New Years Eve. The most overhyped day of the year.

New Years Eve. It keeps happening, every single year. And every year, it's the most overhyped day. Expectations of this night run way too high. St. Patricks Day gets a lot of hype. Halloween, Christmas are pumped up. But those Holidays have other things attached to them other than getting drunk and yelling at midnight. New Years Eve doesn't have presents, it doesn't have dinners or costumes or one man who flies through the entire world breaking into houses to leave things for children. It's just drinking and yelling. And still, NYE never lives up to it's own hype.

By some girls, NYE gets treated like prom. Every single year. Every year they have to make sure everything's perfect. Have something specific to wear, have a place picked out to go to, have a table reserved at said place, have a timetable of when you're allowed to drink before hand and at what time you have to go to get to 'the spot'.
"So, I'm going to wear this, we're going to drink here, my hair has to be perfect, we have to leave here by this time or we won't make it and then 2014 is gonna suck!"
And if everything doesn't go according to plan? Woa. Look out. You are going to see a lot of people crying, a lot of mascara running, a lot of screaming about what should have been and where friends are.
"Well the hell is Stacy?! I haven't seen her in an hour and I have her phone. Is she dead? What happened to her?"
"I don't know. Last I saw her she was inside and she said she just found a whole bunch of random pills in her drink."
"Like 'random' random or random?"

These are the same girls who are crying at the end of the night. Tons of women crying because it's too cold, they're too drunk, or the night didn't go exactly as they planned.

"At exactly midnight this bottle of wine was supposed to be open and THAT bottle of wine was supposed to be closed! Ahhhhhhhh, nothing goes right!"

"Why are you crying?"

"Because EVERYTHING fell apart, that's why! It WAS gonna be great, but I couldn't find the cork screw, and SOME people don't know how to finish a bottle of wine. HERE, THIS is how you drink it, you idiots!"

Getting a cab on New Years is insane. You might as well bring the raw materials to make your own and go from there.

"Alright, let's bail. Call a cab?"

"Yeah, sure. If we want to wait until next New Years. Nope. I'm going to piece a car together. I have a transmission. Does anyone have ANY of the other parts of a car?"

"... I have an air freshener?"

"First we BUILD the car, THEN we worry about how it smells, alright, Gary?!"

Some people can't believe that cabs would be busy on NYE. I was looking up a number for a cab the other day and came across this companies yelp page. Someone gave them one star, so I wanted to see why. This was some of what they said.

"This company is THE WORST. New Years Eve, we're drinking at my house. At 11, we call a cab to go to a bar for 12. The cab driver says it'll be a half hour. He shows up fifty minutes later. So now we're in a cab at 11:50, and it's almost midnight!"

I'll stop there. Who the hell is this maniac to think that you can call a cab an hour before the countdown and MAKE it to where you wanted to go? AN HOUR. On easily one of the busiest cab nights of the year. Cabs aren't going to go right on this day. 

When I was 18 I think,  me and some friends were drinking at a hotel, and heard about a party that was happening. We jumped in a cab and started heading over there. We got stuck in traffic, until the countdown happened. So we did the countdown, in the cab, with the cab driver. Missed the most important part of the night because of traffic. Do you miss Christmas if you get stuck in traffic? That would have to be some LONG traffic jam for that.
"Look, have dinner without me. I've already been stuck here for twelve hours, and a man in front of me just lit his car on fire. I'll see you on the 26th."

You have to be ready to countdown at midnight. If you miss the countdown, what was the whole thing for? Halloween, Christmas, no other holiday has that sort of pressure on it. There's no specific time you have to open presents or they get thrown out. And you're supposed to kiss someone at midnight. The NYE countdown is like the last slow song at a school dance. You better be holding someone, kissing something when it happens, or you're just watching people have a good time.

One of the worst things about NYE for me, is always having lived in places where it's cold on that night. Celebrating in the freezing cold is not fun. I bet living in a hot place that night is instantly better.

"You want to wear a t-shirt and walk to the bar?"

"Like every night? You're damn right!"

You have something on you want people to see, but you have to wear winter clothes over top of everything. Most people don't want to do that though. People waiting in line wearing just the stuff they want to be seen in. No winter jackets, no scarves, no hats. Just cocktail dresses, dress shirts, and maybe some blazers. You can't be seen being warm. People will think you're a loser! 

"Dress pants, dress shoes with no socks, and a dress shirt open to my chest. Ready to go out."

"It's freezing outside. You want to put a jacket on?"

"Naw, man. I look amazing. And that line up won't be long."

ALL the line ups are long. Not just the ones to get in, the ones to get alcohol once you're there are long too. You bring a book? Well, then what are you going to do when you wait? Talk to the people around you? Probably not. Music is blaring in your face. To yourself? You could do that.
"Man, I love standing here waiting to pay twelve dollars for a rum and coke. It's amazing that I have to wait for that expensive of a beverage. Maybe the extra seven dollars is for all the watering down they'll do to it. Thanks, NYE."

Line up for coat check is long as hell. Also, coat check is a complete scam. One, because too many people are wearing plain black pea coats. It's way too easy for those to get lost and for you to end up with someone else's coat. 

"Is this mine?"

"It's a black peacoat. Who cares."

"But mine had different buttons right here."

"And now it has different buttons there. Big deal."

Two, because why can't you just keep your coat? You bought it. Some places force you to check your coat. They make you do it. Not only are you not allowed to keep your coat, you have to pay for them to take it off your hands. That's ridiculous. You should have the option. Being forced to do it is not right.

"Sir, give me your coat."

"I'm good. I'll just keep it."

"Ah, no . You cannot keep it. Give me it, and give me money for me forcing you to give it to me as well."

"I don't want to do any of these things!"

"You're a cheap piece of garbage. You don't like having someone else handle the coat you bought and pay them to do it? You probably put water in your ketchup."

Probably the best time you're going to have on New Years is one where you stay home with people you like. Just watch the ball drop from home. Do you know how terrible it would be to actual BE there? Once you are in Times Square, you are not leaving. People go to the bathroom in bottles! You're stuck there for hours! And for what? There's a bunch of people jammed one top of you who are holding bottles of their own piss. Sweet. And you get to see some of your favourite artists sing one song, and also artists you hate do the same thing. Does that sound fun?
"Man, where can I go to stand in the cold for hours around tons of people I don't know who are urinating in Fanta bottles and wearing diapers? And even if I find THAT place, how do I find that place that also has Anderson Cooper conducting this whole night of piss bottle fun? ... No. You're serious?! New Years Eve in Times Square has ALL of that? Well, Jesus. I'm shocked. My dreams have come true. Happy New Year!"

Twitter @nathanmacintosh

Christmas is Christmas no matter where you Christmas.

I've always liked Christmas. Now though, for different reasons. Now, as an adult, I can do what I want on that day. As a kid you might have to have dinner at a certain time, or go to a family members house. As an adult, don't have to do anything. Don't have to go to a certain persons house for dinner at a certain time. Don't have to have conversations with cousins about the weather.
"Cold out there, huh?"
"Yep. It's winter."
"Yeah, but it's winter in LA, and it's not cold there!"
"Two different places I guess."
"Yeah, but one place is cold, and the other place, well, it just isn't! Isn't that something!?"
Okay, so conversations like that rarely happen to that kind of extreme, but still. I choose to spend Christmas how I want.

That means for the last couple of years I've stayed in New York for Christmas. Because I stay here and it's not where my family lives, I get invited to orphan Christmas.
"You want to come to orphan Christmas dinner?"

"Nope. Orphan is not really a fun word. Sounds terrible."

"Oh, it's not a Christmas for orphans. In this case, YOU'RE the orphan because you won't be with your family, so I'm inviting you to mine."

"So, I'll go, and they'll look at me all day like my family were burned to death in a fire?"

"Sort of. Also, they weren't? Then why aren't you going home?"

Putting the word 'Orphan' in front of anything doesn't make it sound appealing.
"You're cute. You want to have an orphan threesome with me and my friend?"
"I don't even think orphans would want to have an orphan threesome."

I have places I can go, I just choose not to. I'm back and forth to Canada a decent amount, and flying home at Christmas is way too expensive. It cost almost a thousand dollars to get home. Why? Because there's not a lot of direct flights from NY to New Brunswick, and also, it's Christmas. Airlines can charge whatever they want.
"Alright. I need to fly from Halifax to Northern Halifax for Christmas. Let's see how much that would cost. Seven hundred bucks?! It's an hour flight. What the hell, airlines!"
"We're sorry. When you really want to get somewhere during a certain time of year, we raise the prices. Same flight in January would be four hundred dollars less. But, there's no reason to go home in January, now is there? So, will you be checking one bag, or two?"

Also, why is it necessarily sad when someone doesn't go home for Christmas? How do you know what their family Christmas would be like? People sort of assume that you just HAVE to go home for Christmas. If you don't, something must be wrong and you must be the most depressed person on earth.
"You're not going home for Christmas? Wow. You okay? You thinking about ending it all? How are you even able to stop crying long enough to tell me that? Was your family murdered by ninjas on Christmas? I am so truly, truly sorry."
Not all Christmas's or families on Christmas are the way they are shown to us in commercials. Every commercial for Christmas shows a mom and a dad, both wearing terrible sweaters, in a big house with at least two kids, a dog is running around, their tree is massive, and there's so many presents under the tree it'll take until the 26th to open them all. They NEVER show commercials with people living in apartments. Why? Do people in apartments not celebrate Christmas? Do you HAVE to have a set of stairs to run down to really enjoy presents?
"Merry Christmas, guys!"
"Ah, yeah. Thanks, mom. Huuuuh. It's just, I can't fully enjoy this new iPod knowing that I ran two steps down a hall way and then through the kitchen to open it. Hopefully next year, we'll get a real, HUMAN place to live."

I like staying in NY for Christmas. Christmas is the one day a year that I don't feel bad for not doing anything, so I want to take full advantage of that. There's a bunch of places I could go, but if I do, I gotta wear pants, I have to talk to families, I have to not swear. All of those things are fine, and I like doing them, but on Christmas? Man. Adult Christmas has become a real day. I wake up really early, start the day with tons of bacon. I wear sweatpants all day. ALL... DAMN... DAY. I'll probably watch an old wrestling pay per view. Drinking in the afternoon. I probably won't shower. There's no WAY I could do any of that at a persons house with their family.
"Nathan, what are you doing? Aren't you going to get dressed?"
"What? No. It's Christmas! Did you get dressed as a kid when it was Christmas? You're goddamn right you didn't."
"Can you watch your language. There are kids here."
"And I bet they're happy as dick that it's Christmas! I'm putting more egg nog in this rum, and I'm NOT going to eat at a dinner table. Pe, pe, peace!"
I won't be able to enjoy Christmas this way forever. I'll have a family and kid some time. Probably. Who knows. But still, doing Christmas the way I do now at forty two might be a bit weird.

I try to do Christmas the way it was as a kid as much as possible. Christmas as a kid was amazing and that's not coming back. The break from school alone was great. That last day of school before time off for Christmas. Man. Teachers handing out candy canes, movies being played. You could just leave whenever you wanted. Teachers were almost upset that you showed up.
"Ugh, you're here? Don't you have cool friends to smoke drugs in the woods with? God. Alright, I'll put on Gremlins. I would rather be home."
Christmas Eve as a kid was so much fun. It was great to not really be able to sleep because you were so excited about waking up.
"Go to sleep."
"I can't!"
"You have to."
"It's completely impossible! It's Christmas. CHRISTMAS!"
"Santa won't come if you don't go to sleep."
"Well Santa can blow me, because there's no way I'm sleeping! Doesn't he know it's Christmas?! Christmas!"

Christmas does not just have to be in the same living room you did it in when you were five. Christmas is a state of mind. It can be enjoyed anywhere, with anyone, if you really want to. You could have a good Christmas in a bus station. It would take a hell of a lot, but it could happen.

Twitter @nathanmacintosh

Red haired people are different.

My eyebrows are almost completely see through. Why? I have red hair. I always have, and unless I fall into some sort of radioactive vat, or get old enough that it turns grey, I always will. I've grown into it. When I was a kid, I wasn't comfortable with it. I found it embarrassing. I never liked that people would ask questions about it. "Does it match the hair down there?" I never liked that. When I was a kid I wasn't extroverted enough to say, "of course it does!" What the hell else would be down there?!' I never liked being put on the spot about my hair.

As a young kid I was fully different to the other kids. They let me know that I was. People commented on my freckles. I was called random names. Leprechaun, fire crotch. I remember being out with my mom as a kid, and a random woman stopped her and said I looked like a french fry with ketchup on top. She didn't say it maliciously, but as a kid it still makes you feel a way. French fry with ketchup on top! That's one of the farthest things from human that there is.

The term ginger didn't really start until I was out of school. That's typically what people will say now. I hear red haired people calling themselves gingers sometimes. I'm not a fan of it. Stop that shit. It's dumb. It's just trying to fit in with people who call you that trying to make fun of you. I went to a theatre once, and everyone working there had a name tag on that said their name and their favourite movie. A red head dude was working there. What was on his name tag? 'Ginger'. That's it. Didn't even have a favourite movie! Just ginger. Can't even call his 'name tag' a 'name tag'. There's no WAY that he put that there. There's no way he decided to do that. Everyone around him decided that, and so that he could fit in, he went with it. I said to him, "come on, man. Don't let these people treat you this way. You don't even have a movie!" He said, "ahhhh, it's cool." It aint cool, man. Pick a damn movie, and get your damn name on the damn tag.

For some reason people think we all look alike. I've been called every red haired person I think. Conan O'Brien, Bill Burr, Fry from Futurama, Howdy Doody, Chucky, Problem Child, David Caruso, Prince Harry (once). Just about anyone with red haired, I've been called that person. I don't look like ANY of these people/cartoons/puppets. How the hell do you look like a puppet? A wooden puppet? The puppet has freckles on it's face. I don't!

People want to know if you can tan. No. That's not a thing. I suppose maybe, if we tried really hard, got a good base going in a bed or something. But generally speaking? Nope. Just burning and screaming.

When I was about five, I was outside all day and got really burnt. Burnt enough that I had these big blisters on my arm. My mom took me to the hospital (probably freaking out saying, "what the hell is wrong with my son's arm!"), and they put my arm in a cast. A cast for sun blisters. I didn't want to tell people that I had a cast for being burnt. I didn't want to say, "The cast? My arm pretty much cooked from being outside and running the sun." So I told people them that I was hit by a car. That I had held my arm out to cross, and some maniac drove through it and broke it. I wasn't going to tell people my body was too weak for UV rays when I was five. Car hit me! That's the story.

People have told me I can't wear certain things having red hair. No pink, purple, green, orange, red, and any variation of those. Just about nothing. Brown and tan and black. That's what I'm 'allowed' to wear. Woa, sweet. Brown. Thanks. What a fun colour to wear. What do you even wear brown to do? Take a kayaking course? Coach a little league game drunk? Or tan. Tan. What a colour. Something was white, now it's kinda dirty. Tan. Black is for funerals, drive-bys, deep depressions, women coming down marble stair cases, or people who don't know what matches with what. Black, tan, and brown together? Absolutely disgusting. I like wearing colours. Aqua is an awesome colour. So is yellow. Purple is great. Salmon? Get out of here. I used to CRUSH salmon shirts. I don't care what the losers on 'What Not To Wear' would say. Earth tones can blow me.

Red haired women are notoriously loved. Red head men are typically thought of as strange, ugly, woodland creatures that only come out of the trees to play the flute with Satyrs. People have said to me, 'You're good looking for a red head guy." How am I supposed to take that? What am I supposed to say?
"Yes well, you know, I managed to escape before they dragged me to the center of the earth with the other red haired trolls."

Here's a weird thing about having red hair. I'm not a white man. I mean, clearly I am. Red haired people are white people. We are almost the ultimate white people. We can't tan. We are whiter than the average white person. We should be considered white people. But are we? Nope. White people don't refer to us as white. We are 'gingers', 'red heads', 'carrot tops', 'ginger cunts', 'soulless', and any other number of dumb things. The only time white people consider me white is if I'm with a group of black people. Then I'm a white guy. But if I'm with a group of white people, I'm one of those names.

It's only ever white people who have said things to me about it. That's it. Only ones that point it out. White people like to remind me I have red hair as if somehow I forgot. I woke up out of a coma and completely forgot about what has been on top of my head for 28 years.
"You know you have red hair, right?"
"Whhhhhaaaaaaaaattttttt?!!!?? How did this happen!"
Only ones that have ever said anything about it, actually. If black people make fun of me, they'll say something about me being white. It's weird, black people think I'm the whitest of white people, and white people don't consider me white.

A black guy came up to me after a show awhile ago and said,
"Do you know why black people and red haired people get along? Because white people hate us both." Don't know how true that is, but it made me laugh.

'Kick a ginger day' a few years ago really made me angry. I walked around hoping that I got kicked. The thought that people who have red hair were really beat up that day made me so mad. Again, it doesn't seem that we're different, but then things like that will come along and you are reminded that even if you don't think you are, people do. 'Kick a ginger day'. It made the news a bit, but basically it was saying, 'watch out, parents of kids with red hair. They'll kick em!'
If there was 'Kick a black person day', or 'Kick a woman day', or 'Kick a dog day'? There'd be crazy outrage, and rightfully so.

We're different. I'm fine with that. I used to hate having red hair. I love it now. I wouldn't change it now if I could.

Twitter @nathanmacintosh

7 things in fast NY that are not fast.

NewYork City is thought of as a city where everything is fast. That everyone and everything is in a constant state of rush. That if you stop for a second you'll be run over by the stampede of people screaming and sprinting behind you. Well, thats just not true. Not everything in New York is fast, and here are seven[' examples.

1. Pigeons.
Pigeons in NY do what they want to do. They are walking to the beat of their own drum. A lot of other cities pigeons will get out of the way of cars and people. In New York? Nope. They don't move. They've seen people. People don't scare or impress them. I've seen a pigeon cross at a street light. Waited for it to turn green, and it walked. And the pigeon did not walk with any sense of urgency. Pigeons treat NY like they're on vacation at a beach. If I saw a pigeon with a Mai Tai I wouldn't be shocked. If you are behind a pigeon in New York, be prepared to yell, "You serious, bird? Walk faster! Pick up that pizza crust, fly outta here and peck at it somewhere else!"

"You think I need to be anywhere? I'm not moving."

2. People with strollers.
Even though strollers have wheels, and people pushing them could easily tear through the streets, they are not moving at all. Most of the time people with strollers in NY are walking down the middle of the sidewalk. The middle! Just crawling along, taking up the whole thing, stopping every once in awhile to send a text on their phone. Or stopping to make sure they are still walking down the exact middle of the sidewalk. If you get caught behind a stroller in New York, be prepared to yell, "Pull over if you're going to send a text! Would you stop in the middle of the highway to change your radio station? Pull over!"

"I will stop here. This is where I will stop. Right.... here."

3. Cashiers at Starbucks and McDonald's.
So you want to go to one of these places. They are usually fast. And you're in NY, so, it's probably one of THE FASTEST ONES, right? Ah, you've been led astray. Order anything but a regular coffee at Starbucks in NY and you're waiting for the end of a conversation about Kanye before they start making your drink. You order food at McDonald's, and it takes long enough that you'll think the food is going to be real. Maybe? Could it be? No. It's not. It's just a ten minute Big Mac. If you find yourself at a McDonald's or Starbucks in Manhattan, be prepared to yell, "Who cares why Kim Kardashian wore yesterday!? There's more people waiting for what they ordered than ordering. Put it together!"

"Can I get you some speed with that? ... Kidding. You'll get your food when you get it."

4. Couples.
Man. Couples. Couples in this city like to crawl along, holding each other while taking baby sips of their coffees, or hot chocolates, or taking baby bites of a burrito. Falling in love all over again with every step and bite and sip. Love does not move fast. It crawls along. Love songs? Slow. Movies about love? Mostly slow. People in love walking down a street? Slowest.  Love is not quick. That's why your instincts of love don't kick in when you're in danger. If they did, you'd just sit there, trying to hug the tiger that is eating you. If you get stuck behind a couple in New York, be prepared to yell, "This is a busy street, not a John Cusack movie! Pick up your love feet!"

"Get out of the way, couple! Look how many people are behind you!"

5. Tourists.
Tourists  through the city, taking pictures of everything. Buildings, corners of buildings, doors of buildings, doormen of buildings, trees in front of buildings, trees, lobbies of buildings, buildings from different angles. Tourists love to take a lot of pictures of New York buildings. They'll also take random things and snap pictures. You can find a tourist standing in the middle of a busy street taking a picture of an old box of french fries that somebody dropped.  If you get stuck behind some tourists in New York, be prepared to yell, "It's just a half eaten slice of pizza on the ground! You don't need a picture of that!"

"Oh, wow. That's a garbage can. A NY garbage can! Gotta get a picture of me with this leg in front of it!"

6. Couples with a stroller.
Put a couple together with a stroller? Wow, buddy. You're stuck behind two things that don't move. Maybe they'll stop every few seconds to fall in love all over again with each other or the baby. Or arguing with each other sometimes about where they should eat, where the eight month old in the stroller should go to college, or praising that eight month old when they get out of the stroller, stand in the middle of the sidewalk, and fall down. If you get stuck behind a couple with a stroller, be prepared to yell, "Don't let him learn how to walk here! This is 5th Ave, not your living room! And he can't walk, stop talking about what his major will be. His minor right now is crawling."

"Well, what happened was we got stuck behind a couple in a stroller. I din't think we'd ever get out from behind them. Some people didn't. It was really tragic."

7. Subways late at night. 
You'd think these would just be flying around. That it'd be hard to get on one because of how fast the doors are closing. You'd be wrong. After two am, sometimes as early as midnight, these things are SLOW. Maybe they are caught behind a garbage train, a train that is just full of trash that moves slow and looks like it just came straight from hell. Maybe there's a man standing on the track doing construction. "Construction" on a NY subway track is a man with a flash light standing on that train track. If you're waiting for a NY subway train after midnight, be prepared to yell, "What day is it? What year! How long have I been down here?!

"Alright, this train is going to take forever. Let's get limber and do some yoga in the meantime."

Twitter @nathanmacintosh

4 types of videos the Jean Claude Van Damme volvo video is more beautiful than.

I never get excited about videos on the internet. Never. People say all the time 'you have to see this.' Most times I don't check them out. I still haven't seen the video for Gangnam Style. But two days ago I was on facebook, and I noticed a video featuring Jean Claude Van Damme. I'm a fan of that man. Not even really his movies, I just like him. I did really like JCVD, though. Anyway, I clicked on it, and then watched it four more times. It is the most beautiful video online right now. Beats out everything else. Here are four types of beautiful videos that it beats out.

1. Motivational speech videos.
So you've come across a video of a motivational speech that really gets you up. It makes you want to work harder, be a better person, all of that. You deem it to be beautiful. "This beautiful motivational speech has really turned my life around", well, this video is more beautiful. Listen to the speech that Van Damme gives.

"I've had my ups and downs, my fair share of bumpy roads and heavy winds.
Now i stand here before you.What you see is a body crafted to perfection, a pair of legs engineered to define the laws of physics, and a mind set to master, the most epic... of splits."

That's HUGE! That beats anyone saying, "get up earlier. Don't give up. Anything is possible if you just believe in your own arms!" Screw you, bud. Van Damme gave a bad ass speech and then did the splits between two moving trucks. That's motivation.

"He did WHAT? Between two trucks?! Well, damn. I was gonna tell you to never give up but just watch that and believe in yourself!"

2. Love Story videos.
So you've come across a video of a lion and duck who have become friends and play Super Nintendo together, or a video of two whales in the wild making wild, orgasmic whale love. Beautiful, right? Well, this video is more beautiful. Two golden trucks going in reverse while a man does the splits between them, with the sun rising in the background. That sun glistens off these trucks, given off a colour that could only be described as "golden trident meets the light given off by Jesus', while a man DOES THE SPLITS BETWEEN TWO MOVING TRUCKS. Plus Enya playing over top of the whole thing? The most beautiful video on the internet.

"It's okay. This whole Van Damme video will blow over soon and people will look at us again... When we grow up, please don't eat me."

3. Uplifting Story videos.
So you've come across a story of a man who decided that he was going to single handedly help every parakeet in the word with a debilitating disease. Or a woman finds true love when she gives change to a homeless guy. Beautiful, right? Well, this video is more beautiful. Van Damme is a man whose made a career with his body pretty much. He's not in movies as much anymore. He could just gain a bunch of weight and not train. Does he do that? Nope. He keeps all of that up, AND can still CRUSH the splits at 53! That's beautiful. Most people when their career takes a bit of a dip run right to a box of donuts. This man? Kept hitting the gym and training. Beautiful.

"Why do I look sad? Because this video is not as beautiful as Van Damme doing the splits between two trucks. I'm serious. I knew I should have pushed to get my hair cut between two flying 747's. Dammit."

4. Twerking Videos.
So you've come across a video of a gorgeous woman with a beautiful ass shaking it for two and a half minutes to a Tyga song. Beautiful, right? Probably the most beautiful thing on the internet? Nope. This video is more beautiful. What's more beautiful than a man crossing his arms while doing the spits between two trucks? Isn't it possible to achieve an erection from a twerk video and the man who played Guile doing the splits between two trucks? Okay. Maybe not. When there's a video of a woman twerking between two Bugatti's we'll be having a different conversation.

"Okay, okay. Here's what happened. I was trying to clean the top of the piano, and I fell off and I... could you take a picture real quick? I bet my ass looks amazing like this."

Twitter @nathanmacintosh

4 reasons you want a crackhead as your mayor.

Toronto mayor Rob Ford this week admitted to smoking crack. Some mayors are terrible and have never smoked crack. Is having a crackhead as a mayor the worst thing? Don't think so. Here are some reasons having a crackhead mayor could be a good thing.

4 Reasons you want a crackhead as your mayor

1. Crack heads are industrious.
A crackhead wakes up one day, realizes they have nothing left to pawn, no money, no one left to borrow from. What's a crackhead to do? Throw them self in front of a moving car so they can sue the driver for crack money. It happens. You have to be dedicated for that kind of move. Now imagine if that crackhead was mayor and wanted better roads for their city, more buses, or cleaner streets? They'd be jumping in front of all kinds of cars to get those things. A crackhead is not going to let someone tell them there's no money for city parks if they become hell bent on money for the parks. Park money will be found no matter what.

"I want a subway line that stretches to the airport! I'm not leaving until I have it! I'll suck your dick!"

2. Crack heads work all hours of the night.
I'm sure most mayors work long, hard hours. I'm sure a lot are up until the early morning trying to get things done for their cities. But when they do go to bed, who is still up getting their work done? Crackheads. Crackheads are up all hours, scurrying around their neighbourhood looking for ways to make money and ultimately buy crack. All night. Until the job is done. If a mayor had their kind of get up and go, they wouldn't sleep until the money for public education was scrounged up. If a mayor was a crackhead and got stuck on the idea of helping out the band department, they'd be tearing copper wire out of construction sites and selling it back to them for profit. You WISH your mayor would tear copper out of a wall and sell it. Your city might have a new football stadium.

 "I was up all night, I'm tired as hell, but those kids can now go on their field trip. Now, who needs a goodnight dick sucking?"

3. If city money is missing, you know where it went.
Sometimes a mayor will take the cities money and do who knows what with it. Could be hundreds of thousands of dollars on coffee. Maybe it's prostitutes on a private jet to Fiji. Or maybe they bought themselves an autographed poster of Adam West. Who knows. But when it comes time to do something for the city, and the mayor says there is no money, people will yell, "well where the hell did the money go!?" No need for that question if your mayor is on crack. You already know the answer. Crack. Tons and tons of glorious crack. Why is this pothole still here? Oh yeah. The mayor smoked that pothole money. Why's there only one bus in the city? Ah, yes. Crack. Now you can get on with your day.

"Where'd the money go? What do you mean? Crack! I'm on crack! I'll suck your dick if you stop asking that question!"

4. Crackheads know how to deal with tough situations.
Crackheads have been through some tough times. Families have disowned them, they've lost some teeth to the crack trade, and they've woken up smelling like chemicals. So do you think they'll let something like opposition to their ideas rattle them? Absolutely not. They'll crumble under the pressure of questioning by the media? Doubt it. They've blown a dude behind a Denny's for a drug that shattered their molars. They can deal with criticism. They're not going to let unions push them around. A mayor who went to a good school could be tough, but a mayor who climbed three stories to steal an iPad to pawn? THAT'S a tough mayor.

"Oh, yeah, you're a tough man. You ever suck dick to get a guy off your drive way? Well I'm gonna do it like this! Look at my face! I'll suck your dick!"

Twitter @nathanmacintosh

5 Reasons Piers Morgan Should Be President

Awhile ago, a petition was started to have Piers Morgan deported from America. One hundred thousand people signed it. Of course online petitions don't mean anything, but it's very telling. I would like to go the other way. Not only should he not be deported, he should be the President. Here are some reasons.

"5 Reasons Piers Morgan should be President of the United States"

1. Piers Morgan is not American. Americans hate the American ones.

People complain about every President that has ever been. What's the one thing all the Presidents of the United States have in common? Other than being men. They're all American. That's it. It used to be that they were all white. Not anymore. The one thing is that every single President of the United States has been American. And they have ALL been hated. Maybe some more than others, but every President has large groups of people that hate them. I guess we won't find out if it's because they're American until Piers Morgan is made President.

"It says here that he's American? I hate him already."

2. Piers Morgan is against guns.

That seems like it would be a bad thing in America. A President who was against guns in a nation that is for guns and will kill a President with a gun if he tries to take their guns? Not a good stance to take. Sure, but it's the right one. More guns means more shootings. Why? Because guns only function is too shoot and kill things. If more of them were around, more of that would happen. If every single person had a pen would more writing get done? Exactly. We'd all like to live in an old Western where women can be grabbed, racist comments can be made and card games are stopped because a rough and tumble doggie pulls his gun, resulting in everyone pulling their guns. Doesn't that sound great? Well, grab your time machine. It's not going to happen.

"Why do you need the Hello Kitty gun? Because the Hello Kitty gun doesn't shoot bullets. It shoots fun and entertainment for the whole family! ... Just kidding. This bitch'll kill you.... with bullets."

3. Piers Morgan has a television show. 

George Bush didn't have a television show. Neither did Barack Obama. We had to get to know them. Not the same with Piers. He has had a television show for the last three years. You know what you're getting. You're getting a man with an accent who likes to talk to people. It took eight years to figure out what you were getting from Bush, and we finally did: A man who does a great impression of Will Ferrel doing a great impression of him. Took four years until we found out that Barack is apparently Hitler. With Piers, day one, you know what's up. He's not Hitler. He's not doing a Will Ferrel impression. He's asking questions, with an accent.

"Can YOUR President sell meant cologne? ... Would you like him more if he did? ... I'm shirtless."

4. People say America has problems. Piers Morgan is from outside the problem.

If your car had a problem, how would you try to fix it? By sitting in the car and trying to reach through the windshield to the engine? No. By getting out of the car and taking a look. America is that car. Piers is that stranger outside of it who can take a look. Every other President has come from within the car. They've come from within the car and lo and behold, they can't fix the problems with it. A mechanic doesn't attack the transmission from the glove box. He attacks it from the outside. You get it.

"I'm going to will the car to stop smoking with my mind.... I think it's working."

5. Piers Morgan has an accent.
Some of the best Presidents of all time have had accents. Bill Clinton has an accent. John F. Kennedy had an accent. George Washington probably spoke with at least a lisp or cool whistle or something. You want a good President? Find one with an accent. Who has an accent? British people. Who is a British person? Piers Morgan. The world loves accents. How cool is it when Jason Statham talks? Now picture him not as cool and not able to fight. Still sweet, right? Exactly. Piers Morgan.

"I'll be the first British President! No, it's British. Not Australian. First rule I'll make is anyone who can't tell the difference is banned."

6 everyday costumes that everyday people should stop wearing.

Halloween is in less than a week! Candy, horror movies, costumes. What a great time of year. Some costumes though should be put out to stud. And some costumes are worn by people every singe day, regardless of what holiday it is. This is a list of some of those costumes that need to go.

6 everyday costumes/costume pieces that should be sent into the wild.

1. The "Beard and plaid shirt" costume.
This costume could be called the '90% of white men have just given up'. Gave up years ago, and don't seem to be coming back at all. At some point, 90% of white men decided that trying to be an individual was too hard. We're all white men here, right? Basically brothers. Why don't we dress as if we're all twins and our parents think it's cute to have us together in the same clothes? Men wearing a beard, and a plaid shirt. Have you ever looked around? You're everywhere. When five white men dressed like this hang out it looks like they're part of a strange cult. A cult that for sure knows a whole lot about The Beatles and allergies.

"If I chop this log in half, the curse will be broken! Be gone, plaid shirt and beard curse! BE GONE!"

2. The "Snap back hats" costume.
This could be called the "Man, I wish I was young again" costume. Snap backs were around in the 90's, and kids wore them. Now, snap backs have come back, and the kids in the 90's who wore them have grown up, become adults, and started to wear them again. These are for children and truckers. If you're an adult, whose not a trucker, get a strap back. Strap backs are the adult snap back. If you can walk into the bank and get a loan, get a strap back. Someone shouldn't be able to come up behind you when you're signing for a condo and unsnap your hat off your head.

"Hey, Dad! Thanks for buying me this snap back! Oh, it's yours? But it goes so well with my velcro shoes."

3. The "Nike Foamposites" costume.
This costume could be called "I'll wear ANYTHING a rapper wears." These were jokes, right? Just a gag? Put in the stores by Nike to see how angry people would get at such a disgusting shoe? When they started flying off the shelves, people at Nike must have been shocked.
"People are... BUYING them? For what? To throw through our windows?... They actually like them? Wow. We charged $250. CLEARLY that was a joke! I'm completely shocked."
There are a few different kinds, but the ones that are the worst and so many people have, are the ones with the bulky, different colour way sides. These are easily the most disgusting looking shoes that have come out in the last ten years. They make your foot look like the elephant mans. He had a degenerative disease. You don't. Your only probably is that you think these are cool.

"I am the Nike Foamposite. Hear me suck."

4. The "Toms shoes without socks" costume.
This could be called the 'I care about the world but not about how bad my feet smell'. First of all, these,  Toms look like mummy's feet. They look like shoes you would be given if you were sentenced to working a field in North Korea. Yes, they are shoes that when you buy a pair a pair is given to a child in a poor country. Sure. I bet though when that child does get those shoes, they think, "Man, I wish these were Nikes. Or Adidas. I mean, I already own a pair of these. I work in a field in North Korea!"
And no socks? You know what that does to your foot. It makes it smell like you've been working non stop in a field in North Korea. So because you want to save the world, the rest of us at this party have to suffer? Also, why most times do people who want to save the world try to smell as much like it as possible? Different topic. But either way, the Toms shoes without socks costume? Time for a different one.

"I don't know who this white man is, but he must know that orange and red don't go together."

5. The "unpainted toe nails" costume. (women).
This costume here could be called 'mans foot'. If you don't paint your toe nails, you are wearing a man's foot that day. Which is fine. You are allowed to make that choice. But most men don't wear heels and a skirt to a bar. You did? Well, from the knee down, you look like a cross dresser. And most of them paint their toe nails. This costume, unless you live in the woods or a tiny town where you will marry the first person you ever kissed, or you take every piece of plastic you find and build furniture with it, needs to go.

"Hey, Sarah! You look nic... Jesus! No nail polish, huh? We're going to a dinner party, not riding in the back of an F-150. Put a shoe on at least."

6. The "Sweaters with just whatever the fuck on them" costume.
This costume could be called 'I'm really funny and you don't need to talk to me to find that out because I'm wearing a hilarious sweater with whatever the fuck on it". Yes. You're hilarious. You have a sweater with a dog sitting on a porch on it. Amazing. Don't know where you found such a hilarious item, thirty two year old man, but boy are we happy you did. Oh, yours too! The sweater with a fish inside of an icecube? Man, that fish is gonna freeze! Quick! Someone thaw him out! Sometimes these are worn ironically, other times they are worn by people who if they just learned to talk to people, wouldn't need this costume to feel comfortable. The sweater is easier to put on, though.

"Funny sweater, man! You going to a theme party or something?... Job interview. Huh. Yeah, hilarious."

Canada doesn't know much about Canada either.

Canadians get mad at Americans for not knowing anything about us. Can we blame them? We don't care about our own things. Americans don't know anything about our politics, but we know all about theirs. How rude! The least they could do is find out who our Prime Minister is. Sure. But how many Canadians know ANYTHING about our Prime Ministers policies? Do most of us even care? Could a lot of Canadians point out exactly where Medicine Hat is on a map without much thought? I doubt it. And still, we'll get upset when Americans don't know these same things. It doesn't make sense.

Canadians know more about American politics than our own. Why? Because America is a show that Canada watches daily. Everyday, America is on Canadian television. People sit around and talk about what is happening in America. Some conversation happens about what's going on in Canada, but not NEARLY as much as talk about America. Canadians talk constantly about what is happening in America, but get upset when America doesn't know anything about Canada. We don't even spend much time talking about us. Why should anyone else do it?

Most Americans don't know where The Maritimes are, or how far Toronto and Vancouver really are from each other. So what? The Maritimes are a fantastic part of the world. Vancouver is a gorgeous city. Who cares if anyone knows anything about these places!? A lot of people do, and they love it! I don't know anything about Sweden. Pretty much nothing, and that doesn't change how Sweden is. Also, there are people in CANADA who don't know anything about The Maritimes. When I lived in Toronto, people said to me countless times, 'I've been out East. I went to Montreal.' Montreal is not 'out east'. There is a lot more east of that city, but some people in Toronto thought that past Montreal there was just fog. My old manager at a job I worked at said, 'You're from Nova Scotia? Doesn't everybody fuck their cousin out there?' That's people in the country not knowing anything about parts of it. People who are an hour flight away knowing nothing about a part of their own country, and we want another country to know things about it?

If countries were people, America would be Vince McMahon. America is the greatest promoter on the planet. It gets its name to every corner of the world constantly. It tells us this person or that person is the best singer? Then that's what we believe. And Canada hinges a lot on America for that type of thing. We don't big up our own people until America says they're cool, then we'll run right behind them and say, 'Did you know he's from Duck Latte, Saskatchewan? Well he is.' If Justin Bieber had not been discovered by Americans, he wouldn't be close to as big as he is now. Not even in Canada would he be big! Same as Drake. It took American's telling us that they are great to get us to say, 'Yeah! They are! And they're also Canadian!' If Justin Bieber had stayed in Canada he'd be a super talented person who worked during the day at a Roots store. He'd be singing at the grand opening of a mall, then walking into a store to fold shirts.

One reason Americans don't take our stuff seriously? We don't. CANADIANS make fun of Canadian television. CANADIANS. We make fun of our own stuff and we expect other people to pay attention to it? A lot of Canadians don't watch Canadian television simply because it's Canadian. That's it. Not because it's not good. Some Canadian shows have been great. But a lot of Canadians won't watch it simply because it was made in our country. Sometimes, if the same show had been made in America, Canadians would have loved it.
"Ah, god. I'm not watching a show called 'Canadians doing Canadian things'. This is terrible."
"Yeah. It's a weird show. It's about Canadians, but it was made in America."
"Huh. America, eh? I'll give it a shot."
Turn on a TV in Canada. What will you see? Even on Canadian Networks? About 95% of the programming is American shows. Of course we know about America and they don't know about us! We've been stalking them for years!

It's very strange that we want America's approval so bad. Why do we feel we have to be Americas little brother? Always watching what's America is doing, personally hurt when we find out that they don't care about what we are up to. Why does it have to be that way? Canada is an amazing place. It's a beautiful country that I'm happy to be from. Why does it matter whether or not America knows or care about what happens there? WE should care more about it! We should on our own!

America is not going to care about, or know anything about Canada probably ever. One reason is that in America, America is taught to love America. Fine. Other reason? Canada doesn't really care about what it's doing. If you don't care about something you're doing, nobody will. That is how things work. If you don't care about your appearance, nobody else will. If you don't care about something you've created, nobody else will. If you don't believe in what you're saying, people don't pay attention to you. Canada has to care about Canada before Americans will.

Why do we in Canada care what America knows about us? If you knew a bunch about someone in real life, and they didn't know anything about you, would you be mad? No. You'd continue to focus on what you are doing. Who cares what they know about you? It doesn't change anything. We all know a lot about Miley Cyrus. Anyone mad that she doesn't know anything about us?
"I know who Miley Cyrus's dad is, and I've seen her fallopian tubes, and she doesn't even know that I just got a promotion at work?! What a horrible person."
America is not a terrible place for not knowing about Canada. It is what it is. Canada is a beautiful place that should be more into what it is and what it's doing.

Twitter @nathanmacintosh

I'm hated by real people, but how am I doing online?

The online world is more important to people than the real world. Nobody cares about how they are perceived in reality anymore. People just want to know that online they are killing it. That they are being heard and seen. Even if their actual friends are willing to listen to them, they want to know that people care online.
"I'll listen to you tell that story of how the bus driver wronged you in some way."
"Yeah, but who the hell are you? You're just a friend I've had for ten years. Your opinion is not a strangers opinion. Sorry, but I'll pass. Hey, selfie! I want fake friends to know that I have actual friends. Stop looking like we're not friends! We're having the best time."
The real world is becoming less and less important to people, while the online world keeps becoming more and more so.

People seem to be fine with how things are going in their actual life. Credit scores, debts, unpaid bills don't matter. What matters is how you appear online. How am I doing there?
"Can't pay rent. Lost my job. But yo, that picture I put up? People love it!"
BANG BANG BANG
"Hey, your rent is due! It's a month late!"
"... Oh, good. That came from the door and not my computer. I thought I was being kicked off the internet. How could I check out all the likes on this picture!?"
"That's it! You're evicted!"
"Oh, god. Just let me send out this tweet! 'Just got evicted. #MyLandLordIsADick #StartedFromTheBottom
Someone calls you a stupid idiot in the street? That's not true. You have twenty five likes on your  clever status update!
"Who cares what these losers in reality are saying? Whatever. I'm not stupid. Twenty five people I don't care about liked my witty comment. I'm smart as hell today!"

You can tell people care more because they're way more upset when things don't get likes on line than in real life. They'll put it up, and keep checking to see if anyone liked it or commented on it.
"Remember that thing I said a minute ago about how I think the waiter is too slow and the clever analogy I came up with about it? Yeah. No one online liked it."
"I liked it! It was hilarious. Those people are stupid."
"Don't call my followers stupid! They mean everything to me! EVERYTHING!"
Nobody cares if real people don't like something. You don't like someone's shirt? Whatever. They'll probably take a picture of it and put it online to see what other people think to prove you wrong.
"You don't like these earrings? You're dumb. I'll post them. Oh, look! Jessica already liked them. Oh! And Steve just said, 'I'd love to see those on my floor while I'm hitting that from behind.' See. You're dumb. These earrings are great."

People are so upset when things DON'T get 'likes'. Likes! And retweets. That's all anyone is after anymore. People can't even just enjoy a meal anymore without putting up a picture of it. And I bet it just doesn't taste as good if people don't 'like' it.

"Oh, man. Nobody likes this filet mignon I ordered. Ah, boy. Excuse me, could you pack this up and then throw it directly into the garbage? It didn't get ONE like or retweet. I can't eat it."

People spend tons of time creating their online persona, too. Is everyone really as busy as they try to make themselves out to be? Is EVERYONE Richard Branson? People are never not on their phone. Never not posting video. Never not tweeting or commenting. Never not texting. Who are you talking to? You hand out menu's at Denny's. How the hell can you have this hectic a schedule?

"Oh, god. Sorry. Just got another text from the night manager. She can't find which page the greek salad is on. I know, right? Page four. I've told her so many times. Okay, what were you saying about your cancer? Oh, god. Another text. Now she doesn't know which page the desserts are on. I swear, this woman. Go on. You've got cancer, don't know how much time you have. I'm listening. Go."

You can get jobs in the real world based on the amount of followers and friends you have in the online world. Actual jobs. That wouldn't work the other way around.

"Okay. How many friends do you have?"

"Ummm. I don't know. Like twenty two?"

"Only twenty two? Are you serious? What are you some kind of loser? You touch kids? We can't have you working here. We need someone with thousands of friends. Millions even!"

"How can someone have millions of friends?"

"I don't know, kid toucher. You'll sure as hell never know. Now please leave my office. I have to post to my millions of friends that a creepy kid toucher was just here."

People on online sites get so angry about other peoples personas and what they put up. Nobody likes anything else anyone is saying.

"I don't want to see pictures of your kids. I don't want to hear your thoughts on Syria. I don't want to see pictures of your food. I don't care that you like chocolate. I don't want to be invited to play games. I don't care about these memes. I don't want to know you're dog is doing okay. I don't care about your relationship status. I don't want to see pictures of you at the park."

Then you don't want to be on facebook! Stop complaining about it and shut it down. 

People love the people who created the stuff that allows us to constantly be adding to our online persona's, too. The late and powerful Jobs. People would dig him up and blow him.
"I sucked it! I sucked the oracles penis! Give me a free iPhone! I sucked it!"
Why? Because he was apart of making something that now you can never put down? Something you'd rather puke than leave your house with?
"But now because of Jobs, my phone does things that it couldn't before. I can check into places. I can record concerts that I'm at and watch them later which I'll never do. I can stop talking to the boring piece of trash in front of me and just randomly scroll through things that I don't even know why I'm scrolling through. It's amazing!"

It's amazing that most of us can do whatever we want, but we really just want to waste time seeing what other people are doing online. That's what most of the online world is about. What is that guy doing? How much money is that girl making? Just dumb, crazy, useless stuff. Our actual personas should be taken more seriously. Who cares what that person is doing? What are YOU doing? Checking your phone and email and other junk? Yeah, they probably are too.

Twitter @nathanmacintosh

Tipping.

In North America, tipping is a custom. The way we've structured it, we have to tip all kinds of people for all kinds of things. Most importantly though? People who work in restaurants and bars. Tipping used to be solely for service you enjoyed. Tipping now though is pretty much demanded of you. It's not an option. You don't tip? You'll be cast out of society and forced to walk alone like Judge Dredd. The main reason it's demanded of us is that the people working at these places are paid next to nothing. Okay.

If that's the main argument, then that war is not between humans walking around and servers.  It's higher ups dictating what servers make, then what we should do to compensate, and making us fight each other. It's not our fault that you are paid below minimum wage, and it's not your fault that your lively hood is dependent on strangers that come into your work. Why are you not paid a decent human wage? It's done in other parts of the world. One major problem nobody talks about is, why the hell are you paid below minimum wage? Why! Why is that never an issue?
"You have to tip. Do you know what he makes? If he works an eight hour shift, he makes like twenty seven bucks."
"That's crazy. Why?"
"Why? What do you mean, why? Just give him some goddamn money. What are you, an animal? He's gotta eat!"
"Sure. But I was just wondering why he is paid below minimum wage. Isn't that the whole point of minimum wage? That is the minimum that you are allowed to be pai..."
"Look, if you're too cheap to tip, don't tip. Just know there's a special place in hell for you. And it has more fire than you can imagine!"

Why are servers paid below minimum wage?! Why is that allowed to be!? So people are tipping because we feel horrible that the government refuses to pay you what someone at McDonalds makes? Why aren't they tipped? They're doing almost the same thing. They are serving the public in an establishment that's disgusting compared to your restaurant. People yell at them constantly. People fight almost daily in the place that they work. We don't tip people who work at McDonalds, though. Why? Because they are paid minimum wage! Why the hell aren't servers paid minimum wage, and because of that is it up to the public to make up for it? Was that that easy of an argument?
"You're hired! Also, you'll be paid half of what minimum wage is."
"What? Why?"
"Oh, because the good people that come in our are obligated to give you money. They just have to."
"Ohhhh. Makes sense. And when they don't, I'll hate them and this whole world for the rest of time."
"There you go. Now you're getting it."

When servers get mad at the people that didn't tip them, I find that hilarious. You can't yell at someone for not tipping you. That's not how tipping works. Yes, that is the only way you actually make a real amount of money, but you chose this job. A lot of the time you get tipped, sometimes you don't. You can't yell at people who don't. I used to sell shoes at Adidas. I can't yell at a guy for not buying them.
"Naw, I'm not gonna get them."
"What do you mean you're not going to get them? You wanted to try them on, didn't you? I was nice, wasn't I? I went and got them and told you how cool they looked on you? What the hell do you mean you don't want them!"
"I just don't want them, man. I thought I did but I don't."
"Ohhhhhhh. You THOUGHT you did? Well, maybe next time I'll THOUGHT about not getting you a pair of shoes. GOOD DAY TO YOU, SIR!"

Yelling at a guy who didn't tip you is one step away from just begging him for money. Sometimes homeless people yell at you when they ask you for money and you don't give it to them. Why? Because YOU are the only way they make money. You, the person walking by. Same as a server or bartender. The only way they make money is if you give it to them. If you don't tip and they yell, they're one short move away from just begging for it.
"No tip, huh? Really? You can go to hell!"
"I'm sorry, man. I just didn't like what you were doing."
"Ah, come on, man. I need this money. I haven't eaten in weeks. Just a dollar. Just gimme a dollar."
"I just don't have it, man. Sorry."
"Ah, screw you, then. You think you're better than me? I wasn't always on this side of the bar, you know. You ain't better than me! Keep walking, pound of wings. Keep walking."

A lot of servers and bartenders say they hate people. That's hilarious. People pay you! You only make money from people. What you mean to say is that you like six people, and that you hate every person you serve. If servers are allowed to hate people the way they do, why can't people hate servers and not tip them? It's against the law to not like service? When tipping is optional, can we the people just not like you, the server, and decide not to tip you?
"Why didn't you tip me?"
"Why didn't you come back to this table more than once?"
"... Because I don't like your face."
"Same."

I do think people should be tipped, but not just because. Here are some reasons servers should not be tipped.

1. Not splitting up the bills because they say, 'Our machine does not do that.'
Are you serious? It doesn't do that? They all spit out receipts louder than anything. And we all know, they can do it. If the machine that they have at an Applebee's can do it, I'm sure the machine you're using at this Moxie's can also make it happen. Just say you don't want to do it. People would respect you more. What stupid manager told you to tell the customers "our machines don't do that"? They should be fired, and you shouldn't be tipped.

2. They have a terrible default face.
You know the face you're making when you're not making a face at all? That's your default face. The face that just happens across your face when you are doing nothing. Some people's default face makes them look like they want to and do kick kids. It's hard to want to tip that person.

3. Because they poured you a beer.
The beer is right there. Right there. You take a glass, move your hand down, pull a lever, beer happens. It's the same as getting a glass of water. You didn't mix anything. You didn't even turn around. It's really the easiest thing you could possibly do behind a bar. Unless someone said, "Hey. Can you just get me a glass of you standing there doing nothing?". Opening a bottle of beer is ever less. You hand someone a bottle of beer? No way you should be tipped for that.

Twitter @nathanmacintosh

6 ways you know you're eating a sandwich.

You know, for some reason, in this topsy turvy world, people do not always know what they are eating. I hear people all the time, 'What the hell is this? What did I order? What in the goddam hell is in my stupid mouth right now?!' Well, I don't know about other foods, but I can tell you when you are eating a sandwich. Here are six ways to know how.

6 Ways You Know You're Eating A Sandwich.

1. It's on some kind of bread.

There are only some foods that are consistently on bread. Is spaghetti on bread? Who knows. It's your spaghetti. Do you need to wrap wings in pita before you take a bite? Absolutely not. Is there a rye bread involved with eating cookies? Most of the time, no. If what you're eating is contained inside of some sort of bread, it is probably a sandwich. That is pretty much what a sandwich is. Some junk between pieces of bread. Or junk wrapped up in a wrap. Or some trash thrown into some sort of tortilla. Whatever that garbage may be. You can put anything you want into a sandwich, but if what you throw together is between pieces of things made with wheat? That there, long haul trucker, is a sandwich.

"I'm a dog sandwich. That's how this whole thing works."

2. You are picking it up with your hands to eat it.

Sandwiches are eaten with your hands. Just about every time. You could put it in a bowl and eat it with a spoon. Would be very strange. You could use a knife and a fork, but if you do that you probably own a horse and are a white woman from Connecticut. A white woman from Connecticut is NOT a sandwich. Let's get that straight.  'But cookies are eaten with your hands,' you say, and chips, and many other things. Is this really a sandwich I'm eating or is it a bag of Sour Patch Kids? Good question. Again, if you refer to way number one, ask yourself if what you are holding is between bread. It is? Then that there, go-kart operator, is a sandwich.

"I said, get me a fork. My hands are for reading books about why a ten year old would have this serious a face."

3. You ordered a sandwich.

This is a pretty sure giveaway to figuring out what you're eating. A server came to your table and asked, 'What do you want?' You scream, 'Club sandwich!' You probably yelled because you were so nervous that you would make a mistake and order something else. Maybe potatoes. Maybe a garden salad. So before your mind started coming up with other food options, you screamed 'Club sandwich!' so that you'd get one. The server is startled, but puts in the order. Your food comes minutes later. Wondering what it is? No need to, crop duster. You yelled sandwich. You got sandwich.

"So you're telling me that if I order a sandwich I will get a sandwich? Must be magic."

4. It came with chips.

When you order a steak, it doesn't come with chips. Cordon Bleu does not come with chips. Unless you ordered a lobster from a vending machine, no chips will be beside it. If you are stumped as to what you are eating, look at what came with it. If it is some kind of plain potato chip, that is probably a sandwich. It might be a hamburger or a hot dog. Those also have bread and have to be eaten with your hands. By this criteria, those are basically just different shaped sandwiches. Let's not get into that. Really nice meals don't come with chips. Enough said, book shelf repair man.

"Sure, whatever. I guess you can have Fruit By The Foot with your Duck a l'Orange. It's your personal fun house tonight!"

5. You have to keep putting it back together.

So the thing you are eating keeps falling apart. Tomatoes are blowing out of it. Bacon is making a jump for it every chance it gets. Mayo is falling all over the place. You can't figure out what it is because basically, in today's busy world, who has time to figure out what they're eating? Well, this is clearly a sandwich. Look, what else falls apart and contains tomatoes and bacon? Cereal? Fig Newtons? Bananas? I think not. Even if you were EATING a tomato, tomato wouldn't be blowing out of it. What you are eating, fair doctor, is a sandwich. Unless you are eating a salad with your hands. If that's the case, it's time to go back to school.

"There we go. A nice, comfortable sandwich for you to sleep in. I mean, crib. A nice comfortable crib for you to... what the hell is this thing? Whatever. I'm getting a sandwich. Flip your thing over and sleep in it."

6. Someone yells, 'Hey, how's that sandwich!'

You are eating something, and you have no idea what it is. You're enjoying it, but staring out the window of the restaurant wondering what the hell it is. Then some over-enthusiastic man walks by and yells, 'Hey! How's that sandwich?!' Now, there's no way the two of you have no idea what a sandwich is. He's probably onto something. First thing in this situation is to go, 'Oh yeah! That's what the hell this is!' Then, look that man in his face and say, 'This sandwich right here, toll booth guy? Is delicious.'

"I just want to know how your sandwiches were!"
"They we're probably pretty great if we are keeping behind this fence. Now shut up!"