Points and point cards.

Collecting points has become a staple in how we live our lives. Cashiers everywhere will ask you if you have your points card.

"Do you have your card? Don't forget your points. You could have earned points for that! I'LL HOLD ONTO THEM FOR YOU!"

People lose their minds over these points as well. People get excited about their points even if they don't have any actual money.

"I have three hundred thousand points on my Slurpee card! I can finally get a free Big Gulp!"

"That's pretty cool."

"Yeah! Umm, do you mind driving me there? I don't have any money on my money points card."

"Wouldn't 'money points' just be money? And wouldn't a 'money points card' be a debit card?"

"I don't have time for this. Free Slurpee awaits!"

Just about every thing and everywhere has a point system now. Coffee shops, airlines, pharmacies, clothing stores, gas stations, book stores, credit cards. Everything! You can even get points from immigration! I bet soon there will be a hospital point system card.

"Okay, great! One more head injury and you'll have enough points for a free back operation! You almost have enough points to get a sex change, as well. Someone thinking of seeing what the other side is like?"

"Umm...I don't think so. When can I have these stitches taken out?"

"Well, right now if you want to cash in some points."

"Right now? Is that a good idea? You just put them in."

"In, out. Good medical advice, bad stitch taking out procedures, they're your points!"

You would think too that the points would somewhat correlate with money. That the amount of points you need to buy anything would be close to the amount of money needed. But is that the case? Nope. They have absolutely nothing to do with each other. The amount of points you have to have before you can get anything of interest is ridiculous.

"I have thirty six hundred points! What can I get for these?"

"Well, you can have this box of toothpicks and a stick of beef jerky. Or, you can use the whole thirty six thousand to get a bag of powered donuts!"

"Oh, sweet! How much will I be saving?"

"In real money? About two dollars and seventy cents."

"That's it? But,... I have thirty six THOUSAND points."

"I know! No need to count that useless amount of "money" change. You've got all those points!"

You know that these points are useless because you can't get anything for thirty of them. You can't get much for thirty cents, but it counts. You have thirty points? Doesn't matter. Thirty points in anything else matters. ONE point in a basketball game makes a big difference. ONE point in a hockey, baseball, football game matters. One point on a points card? That won't even get you a decent greeting from the person behind the counter.

"How many Q-Tips can I get with the twenty seven points I have?"

"What?"

"I have twenty seven points? I'm wondering about Q-tips."

"...those points won't even stop the door from hitting you on the way out."

"...will you?"

"Don't try to hit on me. It's pointless. Much like yourself."

All of these point systems need cards so you can use them. All plastic cards that are the exact same as debit cards and credit cards for some reason. Wallets are now just rammed with cards that mostly can't do anything.

"That will be ten dollars."

"Okay, I'll use debit. If I can find it. Nope, these are my butcher shop, tire rotation, lawn mowing, crown replacing, crutch fixing, and pant hemming point cards. That crutch fixing card is a life saver. Twelve hundred more points and I won't have to hobble everywhere. Either way, where the hell are my cards that have actual money?"

"I don't know sir, but you just earned fifty six points on your "holding up a line" card."

"Oh, really? Sweet! Let me find that card as well."

"Yeah... can you hurry up?"

Points are usually accumulated in games that are fun. You get points in card games. You get points in video games. And you get points for buying toilet paper? That's not a good time. Unless you had to shoot through a horde of zombies to buy it, you shouldn't get points for buying toothpaste.

"Hey, how many points did I just earn?"

"One hundred."

"One hundred? Didn't you see me hit both of those zombies over the head with a Swiffer? That's got to be worth at least a thousand a piece. That one almost bit my neck! I could have been a zombie!"

"Those were elderly people, and I have called the cops."

"Good! I'm glad. They'll be able to see I should have more points for this...wait, the real cops? Or the point cops?"

Points in other games don't cost money either. You just earn them. These companies will say, "earn points every time you shop." That makes it sound as if you will get points for shopping the best. As if you shop the fastest, you will get points.

"Whoa! All of your grocery shopping done in ten minutes? That's unbelievable! That deserves a thousand points!"

"I know! I did it by pushing over all the women and children in my way. One woman was holding her baby, and I said "Get out of the way of the Triscuits!" before shoving her into her own shopping cart. I tell you, it wasn't easy."

"Good for you! You really earned this thousand. That woman you pushed is going to be deducted five hundred for not keeping her balance. Now she'll know it's for real out here."

It just goes to show how much people want things for free. We will pay to have things for free. Pay! We will pay money to eventually get the things we are buying for free. You have to pay to get these points! That's not 'earning' points. That's "I bought these damn things". And now, all you have is money that doesn't exist to buy things that you were buying with money!

"Look, I can get a free trip to Florida! I have two million points!"

"How much did that cost to get?"

"Hmm. Probably twelve trips to Florida."

"Worth it?"

"...shut up."

The term "Hater".

The last few years have really given rise to the popularity of the term hater. Nobody likes haters, and nobody wants to be called a hater. People talk about 'haters' as if they are a group of horrible, twisted, freaky people who live in the woods and eat small animals.

"Oh, no! It's a hater! Shoot it with a silver bullet! SHOOT IT!"

"I can't! If you kill a hater, that's a form of hate, so you BECOME a hater! We have to love it!"

"Love it with the bullets!"

The term hater really makes me upset. One could say that I hate it.

Famous people love to say they have haters, but it's so big now, that everyone thinks they have haters. Not just entertainers and singers, every person on the planet! Look, if you hand out menus to people when they come into your restaurant, you don't have haters.

"Ugh, you see the way she looked at me when I told her the specials? Keep hating, hater. Keep hating."

Nobody wants to take you down, they just want you to put a smile on once in awhile. I used to work at a retail store, and I asked a guy I worked with one day what he was doing.

"Just trying to dodge the haters."

You're folding t-shirts! There is nobody hating on you. Nobody is hiding behind a rack of pants watching what you're doing.

"He calls that a crease? God, I hate this guy! Twitter will hear about this."

People who constantly say that they are being hated on sound delusional. It's the same as saying other non existent things are after you.

"These haters won't leave me alone."

"Oh, yeah. I hear you. I have a similar problem with these zombies. Zombies just won't get off my damn back!"

"Zombies? Zombies don't exist."

"Yes they do. They're right there!"

"Those aren't zombies. Those are haters! The person who gave me coffee. The guy over there in the corner. The person who pumped my gas! These people all hate me! They want to BE me!"

"I hear you! These zombies really want to BITE me! Get off me, zombie! Ya can't touch me, boy!"

Where the hell are all of these magical haters that people talk about? Every rapper, mediocre actor, loser fighter, dirt bag woman beater piece of garbage will call them out when they are interviewed.

"And to all the haters out there, thank you. You help me."

Where are these haters?! These people make it seem as if there is a group of people on an island, sending beams of hate.

"Gather round, hater-nation! We need to put our powers together and take out this person who came out with a sub-par song. Hater-cons-decepti-haters, roll out! To the hater-rade hater-ray!"

All the term hater does, is take away our ability to have opinions. You can't have an opinion anymore! You used to be able to say, "this is trash", and others would say, "I like it", "I agree", or the ever popular, "why?" You used to be able to tell someone,

"I don't like what you do."

And all they could do is say,

"well, I can't win em all."

Now? That's not how it is. You can't have an opinion on anything anymore without being called a hater.

"I don't like this."

"You're just a hater."

"...Well, don't you want to know why I don't like it?"

"You asking me if I want to hear from a hater? Answers no."

Because of this, hater has become the term that untalented people can use if someone tells them what they are doing is no good. It's a scapegoat people can use instead of getting better at anything.

"I really think you need to get better at playing the guitar."

"Oh yeah? You're just a hater!"

"Umm, okay. I don't 'hate' it. I just don't think it's good. For one, you're playing it like a piano."

"Oh, now you're hating on pianos? We got a hater here!"

I'm all for being positive. I'm all for people doing what they want to do, but I can't say that everything is good when I'm asked. I have seen good things! I can't say that Terminator 4 wasn't terrible. I have seen Terminator 1 and 2! And none of this, "it was alright" garbage. There's things to compare it too! Terminator 4 was so bad, it made Terminator 3 look like The Artist. 

"And the award for Best Picture goes to...Terminator 3!"

"I'd like to thank McG for making Terminator Salvation. If he hadn't, my Terminator would have been the worst. Thank you!"

Famous people who say they have haters seem to think that people don't like them because they are successful. If that was the case, people wouldn't like any successful people. Not everyone is going to like everyone. That is just a fact. Not everyone likes Ellen. Ellen! Or Will Smith! Nothing but positive energy, and some people don't like him. By and large though, these people are loved, and are HUGELY successful. People don't not like them because of their success, they don't like them for their face, their attitude, or any other number of reasons. Some people just don't like some people.

But certain people will say, "they are just hating because I'm successful." Nope. Not at all. Floyd Mayweather says this. He is a fantastic boxer, and amazing business man, but there are still plenty of reasons to 'hate' him. He hit his girlfriend, and will not fight a man who he clearly should fight. Also, called him out on twitter? Wow. That's what men do. You know the guy at a club who is screaming, "let's do it! Let's fight!" as he is walking away? Calling a man out on twitter is the virtual equivalent of that. But, he calls people haters, and it's the end of the discussion.

Same as Chris Brown. The ONLY reason that Chris Brown is popular again is because of hater culture. In the past this wouldn't be. The world turned on Milli Vanilli for lip synching. Lip synching! Punching a woman wouldn't have flown.

"No, we didn't do it! It was just lip-punching. Fake, like our singing."

"We know lip-punches when we see them. Get them!"

Today though, you can't say anything about Chris Brown without being called a hater.

"I do not like this guy."

"Stop hating on team breezy."

"I'm not hating, I just think he's trash."

"But he can dance and sing!"

"I understand that, but he beat and bit a woman."

"Yes, and then he danced to show us how upset he was. God, stop hating. Don't you feel for what he went through?"

Also, when people talk about "what he went through", I want to puke. He didn't go through anything! HE HIT HER! We get this, right? She went through something. For him to talk about what he "went through", or for anyone to say that, is a slap in the face of human decency. Do we ask other attackers what THEY went through?

"Man, raped a girl, huh? Must be a lot to go through."

"I know! Jesus. First, people think I'M terrible! You believe that? Me! Ol' Tim "only raped one girl"Andrews. The judge was mean to me. I had to go to jail. You know you don't get your own cell? Not to mention that fact that I had to hold a woman down and take her innocence. You know how hard that is? I hope no one has to go through what I went through."

I'm sure that soon you'll be able to use hater as a defence in court. It has already reached a level between regular people that is higher than facts. One day it'll reach that level in the justice system.

"Your honour, he stole my car. I went into the store, and when I came out, he was driving it away."

"Hmm. Do you have anything to say for yourself, defendant?"

"Do I have anything to say? For sure I do. This guy is a hater!

(shocked gasps from the courtroom)

"That's right! He is hating on me because I'm faster than him AND have the ability to hot wire a car. He should congratulate me for that, not hate."

"Good point. Congratulate, plaintiff! Your car went to a better man. You're a hater. Case dismissed!"

It's always people who are questionable with their actions or talents who say they have haters. I have never heard Jim Carrey talk about haters. Why? He has talent and is pure magic. Also please, call me a hater. I will say, "I don't hate anything. But I do have an opinion."

twitter-@nathanmacintosh

The Kobe Success Commercial

Commercials are a necessary evil, and are everywhere. Commercials have the ability to be funny and entertaining. The Old Spice and Dos Equis commercials are great. Some are condescending. The commercial for Eggies?

"Without them, you'll be up all night peeling eggs!"

No one has lost sleep because of eggs.

"Honey, come to bed."

"I would love to, but SOMEONE boiled a carton of eggs. If I'm in bed by Christmas, I'll be lucky. These damn shells are everywhere!"

Some commercials, however, are just so arrogant, that I'm surprised they are on T.V.

Kobe Bryant's 'Success at Success' commercial is just such a commercial. Nike has gone out of their way to make this pretentious bit of film. Kobe talking to a room full of successful people, telling them that yes, they are successful, but now, it's time to be successful at being successful. Who is this commercial for? The everyman? Doesn't feel that way. This feels as if it's only for billionaires. Feels as though this commercial was filmed at one of the secret concerts at Princes house where.

"Wow, we are all very successful! Come to think of it, while we are all here, let's talk about achieving Success AT Success. Prince? Is okay if the purple snakes leave the room while I address everyone? Their gold teeth, although not venomous as I know you went over, still hurt when they bite."

"...the snakes stay."

"Of course they do! I mean, makes sense. To be here, they have to be the most successful snakes. Slither, my reptilians counterparts. Slither!"

This commercial is the same as showing the world a private video of Tommy Hilfiger on an island only he knows about.

"Hey, guys! Why aren't you here? All you have to do is have more money than some African countries, talk to the Wizard of time and he'll personally fly you through the vortex that brings you here. It's that simple! Also, buying this watch will help."

"Whoa, I gotta get that watch. Look what it did for Tommy! If I get it, I can talk to the Wizard of time!"

It feels as if regular people weren't supposed to see it. As if it accidentally was beamed into our homes. It feels the same as that scene in the movie 'The Witches' when the mice sneak into the witch meeting. Bunch of women talking normally, then boom! They take their faces off and they are witches? Same thing. Those mice weren't supposed to see that! We are not meant to see this commercial. There is nothing here for regular people to relate to.

"Success at success? I work at a call center, Kobe! Yeah, sure. I'll try some success at success. Yesterday I was pretty successful at keeping my soul intact. Maybe today the vending machine will give me an extra Snickers bar by accident. That would be success at success. Not dying inside, two chocolate bars. Pretty decent day for me."

It would be a great commercial if it was just about success. If the commercial was just really successful people talking about success, it could be very inspiring. But no. It's a commercial for shoes. Shoes! Get all of these people in the same room, people with great ideas and great stories, and they hawk shoes to the world.

"Tony Robbins! What should I do to stay motivated? I'm broke, have two jobs I don't like, but am really trying to get a career in music started."

"Well, that's an easy one. Get a size ten and a half of Kobe Bryant's new basketball shoe."

"...but, I... don't play basketball."

"These are not just basketball shoes. They are success-ball-basket-inspire-achievement shoes of motivation! Since I've worn them, I've made two million more dollars."

"Wow, really?!"

"Of course! Nike pays me to put them on. I don't wear them for free!"

What do these shoes have to do with success? Kobe is the only one who can benefit from them! Is jumping higher going to help Tony Robbins motivate people better? Will Kanyes songs be more amazing if his ankles are protected?

"Yo, Kanye, that last song was alright, but I mean...it just sounded as if ANYONE could get to your ankles. Like, if the kid from 'Pet Cemetery' was in the studio, you'd be done."

"You're right! I couldn't figure it out, but now that I look down, I'm wearing slippers! Jesus. Toss me those Success at Success shoes and we'll do it again. Try to get at me now demon baby from the mind of Stephen King! TRY NOW!"

Also, if this is all about success, why is Richard Branson not the star of this commercial? I love Kobe, but he or no one in that room touches Richard Branson. NOBODY there is on the level of Richard Branson. He's trying to start a space program that would allow people to pay to go to space. His own space program! I love your three, Kobe, but it happens here on earth. One day, you might be able to shoot it on the moon, but it will be because of Richard Branson. No one else in that room has been knighted! He is Sir Richard Branson. Sir! Kobe can't tell Richard about success! Makes as much sense as Richard Branson telling Kobe about basketball.

“Kobe, what you need to do is drop your elbow just a bit before you release the shot.”

“Richard, this is what I do.”

“That's Sir Richard. Sir. Maybe you'd be knighted if you listened to a knight when he tells you how to shoot.”

“Have you ever played basket?”

“Oh, have I ever played basketball. Have you ever been the fourth richest person in the United Kingdom? Drop your elbow!”

In the commercial, Richard Branson says he's been to space. Kobe says he has as well. No you haven't! I get that Kobe saying he's been to space means he jumps high, but you can only say you've been to space because you jump high if you are talking to other basketball players and trying to brag. You can't tell a man whose been to space that you have been as well because you can jump!

"I've been to space."

"Ditto."

"...really? I saw a lot of things there. I can't say that I saw you."

"Well, I didn't go per say. I have dunked a basketball, though."

"Oh, I get it now. You were being cute. I made jokes like as well before I had been to space. But since I've been to space, I don't joke about it. I've been to space. Actual space. And unless there is something I'm missing, which I doubt because I have money and influence, you can't jump there."

“...I was just being facetious.”

“Of course you were! Wish I could say the same. It's hard to be facetious though when you have actually exited the earths atmosphere. Anyway, can I get back to telling you about space?”

Twitter @nathanmacintosh

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=CtIXGip_7O0