Phones. Mine still works.

People are obsessed and in love with their phones. "No, no. I don't have a kid. This is a stroller to hold my phone. Want to see it? Don't touch it!" I didn't fall into the phone craze. People make fun of my phone all the time:

“A flip phone? God, do you own parachute pants and live in the ’90s?” 


First of all. I would love parachute pants. I would even enjoy a parachute shirt and shoes. Secondly, do you know what phones did in the ’90s? They PHONED! I don’t have a stick with buttons on it. It's not a rock that I have placed a keypad on. I have a phone that calls people. People go on as if things were so bad just a few years ago.  

“Remember how hard 2003 was? God. Dial tones, email only on computers, dragging fresh water uphill, fighting birds for medicines? 2003 was rough!”

We instantly hate old technology. 

“I got the iPhone 4! Not that iPhone 3 trash. That's so last month. Everyone knows phones didn't work last month.”

As if having the iPhone 3 means you live in a trash can, eating rats and begging for change.

“You got any change?”

“Whoa, hope things pick up for him. I bet he has the first iPhone. Sad.”

The actual phone is not better, it just has more junk added to it. The ACTUAL phone option is done. You talk into one end, and someone on another phone, across the world, can hear you. That’s amazing! That’s why when a new phone comes out, they never say, “This phone is clearer than other phones. The phone option on this phone is so much better than on past phones. You can hear so well!”

They can’t say that, so they just add to the phone.

“Hey, get this new phone! This phone is amazing! It has a camera, it has GPS, it has faster Internet, it has games, lightsabers, it even has a cat that you can talk to, and the cat will repeat back what you said! Who doesn't want that!"

The phone option stays the same. 

“Man, can you make this phone clearer?”

“Yeah, sure. Here’s a video game. Have a good day!”

“But the phone is the same.”

“No, you didn’t have that game before. You take penalty kicks. The phone’s way better now!”

People play these games so much too! When I had a Game Boy, I played it when I WASN'T around my TV and actual Nintendo system. When I played it, I thought, “I can’t wait to get home and play on my actual TV. Mario is the size of a Tic Tac!”

Now people play their phone games at home!

“Hey man, want to play some Xbox?”

“What, on a big screen with controllers and comfort? No way man. These birds are pissed! I better straighten this out on this tiny screen."

Why do people even want a game on their phone? I never wished that my Super Nintendo could make a call.

“Mario Kart is pretty sweet, but I can't believe I have to use another device to call my friend. God Mario. Even when I WIN I can't make a call? Just ridiculous."

Why don't people want phones on games? Why not a landline with games? Why not sell landlines that are attached to big pinball machines?

“Yeah, sorry I hung up on you, man. The ball went into the cancel call hole. Win some, lose some. Yo, I just got a long distance ball! Gotta call my mom man. Later”

Watching movies on your phone? Has to be the worst thing people do. ANYONE who watches a movie on their phone is a pretentious cocksucker. It is equivalent to playing polo while being fitted for a jacket with tails and shopping for faberge eggs. Again, why is this something people want?

“I can watch Terminator 2 on this four-inch screen! Look how small Arnold is. Oh no, look out Arnold! Tiny T-1000 is behind you!”

The commercials that show people doing this too are great. "Hi, I'm on a bus, and I'm watching the latest movie on my new Rogers Super power wicked I'm awesome phone!" I always wish the commercial would end with "Hey, buddy. If you have that phone, why are you on this bus? You know what I have? A transfer and a drinking problem. And another thing ...(pukes everywhere).

The phone was supposed to keep people connected, and it does. But it doesn’t connect you to the people around you. It keeps you connected to people who are not in the room! You see people at restaurants, sitting in a booth, not talking to each other, but TEXTING! Because the phone is not used to keep you connected now, it's used to see if where you are is as good as where OTHER people are.

“Yeah, I'm just on  a date right now. What are you up to? Watching Must Love Dogs? Man, I love that movie. I’m on my way!”

[Phone rings.]

“Hi, hello? What’s going on? Something, somewhere?! Please tell me something is happening! Get me out of the boredom that is this U2 concert!"

Phones keep everyone in their own little worlds. Everyone is in their own little bubble. It’s called the iPhone. The iPhone. Not the wePhone. Not the usPhone. Not the love-thy-neighbourPhone –– the “I, this is my world, and my phone, and get the hell out of my way-phone.”

You hear people go on: “My phone is so sweet. I can find restaurants, tell people where I am and check in to that place, find out how the waves are before I hit the beach, and I can take pictures of things while I’m doing them so I can remember what I did earlier. It’s great!”

“Do you even feel anymore? Have any actual thoughts or emotions run through your body?”

“I don’t know... Let me check my phone.”

Junk Food, the way it used to be.

I used to be a huge fan of junk food. Huge! I got addicted to Dill Pickle chips and Lime Coke for a few weeks at one point in my life. A few weeks of Dill and Lime Coke though, and you'll be ready to die. The last time I bought a big bag and a 2L, I CRUSHED them by myself on a Friday, passed out and woke up on Sunday. When I woke up, I decided, "This can't be life.”


When I was eating those Dill Pickle chips, they had a crazy amount of dill pickle flavour. Each chip was a dilly paradise. Now, chips don't have that at all. Almost every bag of chips might as well just say "Regular, with a slight hint maybe on some of these chips of Salt and Vinegar." Chips before had so much flavour on them. So much! Go back in time to ‘95, and try to eat a bag of All Dressed chips by yourself. Try it! Your mouth will blow apart with the burning of all that spice! 


You used to open a bag of chips, and the flavour of them would be ON THE INSIDE OF THE BAG! There was so much flavour in there, the chip had to say, "Listen, I can't carry all of you flavour seasoning. I'm just one chip. I'll put some of you over here on the wall.” Too much seasoning for the chips! That's why people used to lick their fingers after eating a bag! Now? You could eat an entire bag of chips, and your hands would be clean enough to perform a surgery. "Did you wash your hands?" "Yeah, I just had a bag of Roast Chicken chips. Just like eating edible clothes really."


And now there are almost no chips in the bag! None! A big bag of chips may be half full of chips. Half! Buy anything else, the package is just big enough for the product. Playstation? Box just big enough. Headphones? Package just big enough. Chips? Jesus. What are they trying to do? "Buy these chips because we left enough room in the bag to pack your clothes!" The amount of chips in a "big bag" of chips now could pretty much fit in a sandwich baggie. 


Also, name your own chips Doritos. Don't put out two bags that are labeled 'A' and 'B', get us to eat them, and tell you what they should be called. And putting them in a white bag with black lettering? Are you serious? If we wanted No Name chips, we'd buy them, for much cheaper. I know it's a contest, but still. When you label a bag of chips the way a beaker would be labelled if it contained some sort of zombie formula, expect people like me to get upset by it.


Now, even chocolate bars are falling down. I had a Skor bar the other day, and it was less wide than they've ever been. Go check it out! Pick it up, and you'll say, "Man, they did used to be wider!" If things keep going like this, one day you'll get a Skor bar and open it up, and they'll be no Skor bar inside. Just a not that says "Sorry, try again sir." They will shrink it to nothing!


Yep, this has been about junk food. There are bigger issues for sure, but it starts at the bottom. First your food, then your house, then we are all living on the street but still paying rent for it.