I'm hated by real people, but how am I doing online?

The online world is more important to people than the real world. Nobody cares about how they are perceived in reality anymore. People just want to know that online they are killing it. That they are being heard and seen. Even if their actual friends are willing to listen to them, they want to know that people care online.
"I'll listen to you tell that story of how the bus driver wronged you in some way."
"Yeah, but who the hell are you? You're just a friend I've had for ten years. Your opinion is not a strangers opinion. Sorry, but I'll pass. Hey, selfie! I want fake friends to know that I have actual friends. Stop looking like we're not friends! We're having the best time."
The real world is becoming less and less important to people, while the online world keeps becoming more and more so.

People seem to be fine with how things are going in their actual life. Credit scores, debts, unpaid bills don't matter. What matters is how you appear online. How am I doing there?
"Can't pay rent. Lost my job. But yo, that picture I put up? People love it!"
BANG BANG BANG
"Hey, your rent is due! It's a month late!"
"... Oh, good. That came from the door and not my computer. I thought I was being kicked off the internet. How could I check out all the likes on this picture!?"
"That's it! You're evicted!"
"Oh, god. Just let me send out this tweet! 'Just got evicted. #MyLandLordIsADick #StartedFromTheBottom
Someone calls you a stupid idiot in the street? That's not true. You have twenty five likes on your  clever status update!
"Who cares what these losers in reality are saying? Whatever. I'm not stupid. Twenty five people I don't care about liked my witty comment. I'm smart as hell today!"

You can tell people care more because they're way more upset when things don't get likes on line than in real life. They'll put it up, and keep checking to see if anyone liked it or commented on it.
"Remember that thing I said a minute ago about how I think the waiter is too slow and the clever analogy I came up with about it? Yeah. No one online liked it."
"I liked it! It was hilarious. Those people are stupid."
"Don't call my followers stupid! They mean everything to me! EVERYTHING!"
Nobody cares if real people don't like something. You don't like someone's shirt? Whatever. They'll probably take a picture of it and put it online to see what other people think to prove you wrong.
"You don't like these earrings? You're dumb. I'll post them. Oh, look! Jessica already liked them. Oh! And Steve just said, 'I'd love to see those on my floor while I'm hitting that from behind.' See. You're dumb. These earrings are great."

People are so upset when things DON'T get 'likes'. Likes! And retweets. That's all anyone is after anymore. People can't even just enjoy a meal anymore without putting up a picture of it. And I bet it just doesn't taste as good if people don't 'like' it.

"Oh, man. Nobody likes this filet mignon I ordered. Ah, boy. Excuse me, could you pack this up and then throw it directly into the garbage? It didn't get ONE like or retweet. I can't eat it."

People spend tons of time creating their online persona, too. Is everyone really as busy as they try to make themselves out to be? Is EVERYONE Richard Branson? People are never not on their phone. Never not posting video. Never not tweeting or commenting. Never not texting. Who are you talking to? You hand out menu's at Denny's. How the hell can you have this hectic a schedule?

"Oh, god. Sorry. Just got another text from the night manager. She can't find which page the greek salad is on. I know, right? Page four. I've told her so many times. Okay, what were you saying about your cancer? Oh, god. Another text. Now she doesn't know which page the desserts are on. I swear, this woman. Go on. You've got cancer, don't know how much time you have. I'm listening. Go."

You can get jobs in the real world based on the amount of followers and friends you have in the online world. Actual jobs. That wouldn't work the other way around.

"Okay. How many friends do you have?"

"Ummm. I don't know. Like twenty two?"

"Only twenty two? Are you serious? What are you some kind of loser? You touch kids? We can't have you working here. We need someone with thousands of friends. Millions even!"

"How can someone have millions of friends?"

"I don't know, kid toucher. You'll sure as hell never know. Now please leave my office. I have to post to my millions of friends that a creepy kid toucher was just here."

People on online sites get so angry about other peoples personas and what they put up. Nobody likes anything else anyone is saying.

"I don't want to see pictures of your kids. I don't want to hear your thoughts on Syria. I don't want to see pictures of your food. I don't care that you like chocolate. I don't want to be invited to play games. I don't care about these memes. I don't want to know you're dog is doing okay. I don't care about your relationship status. I don't want to see pictures of you at the park."

Then you don't want to be on facebook! Stop complaining about it and shut it down. 

People love the people who created the stuff that allows us to constantly be adding to our online persona's, too. The late and powerful Jobs. People would dig him up and blow him.
"I sucked it! I sucked the oracles penis! Give me a free iPhone! I sucked it!"
Why? Because he was apart of making something that now you can never put down? Something you'd rather puke than leave your house with?
"But now because of Jobs, my phone does things that it couldn't before. I can check into places. I can record concerts that I'm at and watch them later which I'll never do. I can stop talking to the boring piece of trash in front of me and just randomly scroll through things that I don't even know why I'm scrolling through. It's amazing!"

It's amazing that most of us can do whatever we want, but we really just want to waste time seeing what other people are doing online. That's what most of the online world is about. What is that guy doing? How much money is that girl making? Just dumb, crazy, useless stuff. Our actual personas should be taken more seriously. Who cares what that person is doing? What are YOU doing? Checking your phone and email and other junk? Yeah, they probably are too.

Twitter @nathanmacintosh

Tipping.

In North America, tipping is a custom. The way we've structured it, we have to tip all kinds of people for all kinds of things. Most importantly though? People who work in restaurants and bars. Tipping used to be solely for service you enjoyed. Tipping now though is pretty much demanded of you. It's not an option. You don't tip? You'll be cast out of society and forced to walk alone like Judge Dredd. The main reason it's demanded of us is that the people working at these places are paid next to nothing. Okay.

If that's the main argument, then that war is not between humans walking around and servers.  It's higher ups dictating what servers make, then what we should do to compensate, and making us fight each other. It's not our fault that you are paid below minimum wage, and it's not your fault that your lively hood is dependent on strangers that come into your work. Why are you not paid a decent human wage? It's done in other parts of the world. One major problem nobody talks about is, why the hell are you paid below minimum wage? Why! Why is that never an issue?
"You have to tip. Do you know what he makes? If he works an eight hour shift, he makes like twenty seven bucks."
"That's crazy. Why?"
"Why? What do you mean, why? Just give him some goddamn money. What are you, an animal? He's gotta eat!"
"Sure. But I was just wondering why he is paid below minimum wage. Isn't that the whole point of minimum wage? That is the minimum that you are allowed to be pai..."
"Look, if you're too cheap to tip, don't tip. Just know there's a special place in hell for you. And it has more fire than you can imagine!"

Why are servers paid below minimum wage?! Why is that allowed to be!? So people are tipping because we feel horrible that the government refuses to pay you what someone at McDonalds makes? Why aren't they tipped? They're doing almost the same thing. They are serving the public in an establishment that's disgusting compared to your restaurant. People yell at them constantly. People fight almost daily in the place that they work. We don't tip people who work at McDonalds, though. Why? Because they are paid minimum wage! Why the hell aren't servers paid minimum wage, and because of that is it up to the public to make up for it? Was that that easy of an argument?
"You're hired! Also, you'll be paid half of what minimum wage is."
"What? Why?"
"Oh, because the good people that come in our are obligated to give you money. They just have to."
"Ohhhh. Makes sense. And when they don't, I'll hate them and this whole world for the rest of time."
"There you go. Now you're getting it."

When servers get mad at the people that didn't tip them, I find that hilarious. You can't yell at someone for not tipping you. That's not how tipping works. Yes, that is the only way you actually make a real amount of money, but you chose this job. A lot of the time you get tipped, sometimes you don't. You can't yell at people who don't. I used to sell shoes at Adidas. I can't yell at a guy for not buying them.
"Naw, I'm not gonna get them."
"What do you mean you're not going to get them? You wanted to try them on, didn't you? I was nice, wasn't I? I went and got them and told you how cool they looked on you? What the hell do you mean you don't want them!"
"I just don't want them, man. I thought I did but I don't."
"Ohhhhhhh. You THOUGHT you did? Well, maybe next time I'll THOUGHT about not getting you a pair of shoes. GOOD DAY TO YOU, SIR!"

Yelling at a guy who didn't tip you is one step away from just begging him for money. Sometimes homeless people yell at you when they ask you for money and you don't give it to them. Why? Because YOU are the only way they make money. You, the person walking by. Same as a server or bartender. The only way they make money is if you give it to them. If you don't tip and they yell, they're one short move away from just begging for it.
"No tip, huh? Really? You can go to hell!"
"I'm sorry, man. I just didn't like what you were doing."
"Ah, come on, man. I need this money. I haven't eaten in weeks. Just a dollar. Just gimme a dollar."
"I just don't have it, man. Sorry."
"Ah, screw you, then. You think you're better than me? I wasn't always on this side of the bar, you know. You ain't better than me! Keep walking, pound of wings. Keep walking."

A lot of servers and bartenders say they hate people. That's hilarious. People pay you! You only make money from people. What you mean to say is that you like six people, and that you hate every person you serve. If servers are allowed to hate people the way they do, why can't people hate servers and not tip them? It's against the law to not like service? When tipping is optional, can we the people just not like you, the server, and decide not to tip you?
"Why didn't you tip me?"
"Why didn't you come back to this table more than once?"
"... Because I don't like your face."
"Same."

I do think people should be tipped, but not just because. Here are some reasons servers should not be tipped.

1. Not splitting up the bills because they say, 'Our machine does not do that.'
Are you serious? It doesn't do that? They all spit out receipts louder than anything. And we all know, they can do it. If the machine that they have at an Applebee's can do it, I'm sure the machine you're using at this Moxie's can also make it happen. Just say you don't want to do it. People would respect you more. What stupid manager told you to tell the customers "our machines don't do that"? They should be fired, and you shouldn't be tipped.

2. They have a terrible default face.
You know the face you're making when you're not making a face at all? That's your default face. The face that just happens across your face when you are doing nothing. Some people's default face makes them look like they want to and do kick kids. It's hard to want to tip that person.

3. Because they poured you a beer.
The beer is right there. Right there. You take a glass, move your hand down, pull a lever, beer happens. It's the same as getting a glass of water. You didn't mix anything. You didn't even turn around. It's really the easiest thing you could possibly do behind a bar. Unless someone said, "Hey. Can you just get me a glass of you standing there doing nothing?". Opening a bottle of beer is ever less. You hand someone a bottle of beer? No way you should be tipped for that.

Twitter @nathanmacintosh

6 ways you know you're eating a sandwich.

You know, for some reason, in this topsy turvy world, people do not always know what they are eating. I hear people all the time, 'What the hell is this? What did I order? What in the goddam hell is in my stupid mouth right now?!' Well, I don't know about other foods, but I can tell you when you are eating a sandwich. Here are six ways to know how.

6 Ways You Know You're Eating A Sandwich.

1. It's on some kind of bread.

There are only some foods that are consistently on bread. Is spaghetti on bread? Who knows. It's your spaghetti. Do you need to wrap wings in pita before you take a bite? Absolutely not. Is there a rye bread involved with eating cookies? Most of the time, no. If what you're eating is contained inside of some sort of bread, it is probably a sandwich. That is pretty much what a sandwich is. Some junk between pieces of bread. Or junk wrapped up in a wrap. Or some trash thrown into some sort of tortilla. Whatever that garbage may be. You can put anything you want into a sandwich, but if what you throw together is between pieces of things made with wheat? That there, long haul trucker, is a sandwich.

"I'm a dog sandwich. That's how this whole thing works."

2. You are picking it up with your hands to eat it.

Sandwiches are eaten with your hands. Just about every time. You could put it in a bowl and eat it with a spoon. Would be very strange. You could use a knife and a fork, but if you do that you probably own a horse and are a white woman from Connecticut. A white woman from Connecticut is NOT a sandwich. Let's get that straight.  'But cookies are eaten with your hands,' you say, and chips, and many other things. Is this really a sandwich I'm eating or is it a bag of Sour Patch Kids? Good question. Again, if you refer to way number one, ask yourself if what you are holding is between bread. It is? Then that there, go-kart operator, is a sandwich.

"I said, get me a fork. My hands are for reading books about why a ten year old would have this serious a face."

3. You ordered a sandwich.

This is a pretty sure giveaway to figuring out what you're eating. A server came to your table and asked, 'What do you want?' You scream, 'Club sandwich!' You probably yelled because you were so nervous that you would make a mistake and order something else. Maybe potatoes. Maybe a garden salad. So before your mind started coming up with other food options, you screamed 'Club sandwich!' so that you'd get one. The server is startled, but puts in the order. Your food comes minutes later. Wondering what it is? No need to, crop duster. You yelled sandwich. You got sandwich.

"So you're telling me that if I order a sandwich I will get a sandwich? Must be magic."

4. It came with chips.

When you order a steak, it doesn't come with chips. Cordon Bleu does not come with chips. Unless you ordered a lobster from a vending machine, no chips will be beside it. If you are stumped as to what you are eating, look at what came with it. If it is some kind of plain potato chip, that is probably a sandwich. It might be a hamburger or a hot dog. Those also have bread and have to be eaten with your hands. By this criteria, those are basically just different shaped sandwiches. Let's not get into that. Really nice meals don't come with chips. Enough said, book shelf repair man.

"Sure, whatever. I guess you can have Fruit By The Foot with your Duck a l'Orange. It's your personal fun house tonight!"

5. You have to keep putting it back together.

So the thing you are eating keeps falling apart. Tomatoes are blowing out of it. Bacon is making a jump for it every chance it gets. Mayo is falling all over the place. You can't figure out what it is because basically, in today's busy world, who has time to figure out what they're eating? Well, this is clearly a sandwich. Look, what else falls apart and contains tomatoes and bacon? Cereal? Fig Newtons? Bananas? I think not. Even if you were EATING a tomato, tomato wouldn't be blowing out of it. What you are eating, fair doctor, is a sandwich. Unless you are eating a salad with your hands. If that's the case, it's time to go back to school.

"There we go. A nice, comfortable sandwich for you to sleep in. I mean, crib. A nice comfortable crib for you to... what the hell is this thing? Whatever. I'm getting a sandwich. Flip your thing over and sleep in it."

6. Someone yells, 'Hey, how's that sandwich!'

You are eating something, and you have no idea what it is. You're enjoying it, but staring out the window of the restaurant wondering what the hell it is. Then some over-enthusiastic man walks by and yells, 'Hey! How's that sandwich?!' Now, there's no way the two of you have no idea what a sandwich is. He's probably onto something. First thing in this situation is to go, 'Oh yeah! That's what the hell this is!' Then, look that man in his face and say, 'This sandwich right here, toll booth guy? Is delicious.'

"I just want to know how your sandwiches were!"
"They we're probably pretty great if we are keeping behind this fence. Now shut up!"