Rap made me write this.

Rap music has made me dance, throw things when I've been drunk, and has motivated me to keep working when I didn't want to. I suppose it didn't make me throw things, but you get drunk, listen to DMX's "Party Up", and try not to throw something. You'll throw your mom if she's close.
"Why are you doing this? I raised you!"
"Ya'll gon make me lose my mind!"

Even with songs like "Party Up", there were songs like "Slippin'". Now, though? It seems all songs are "Party Up". Rap is no longer for the downtrodden. It seems to only be for rappers themselves or other billionaires.
"I take a helicopter to the club, covered in platinum. I bought another whale yesterday just to keep stacking them."
Who's relating to that! Warren Buffet and maybe ten other people. Also, if you have a helicopter, why are you going to the club with it? Does Derek Jeter go to Little League games, take a kids bat and start crushing homeruns? No! You buy a helicopter, you can't take it to places where somebody who works at McDonald's can also go. You can take it to the tops of buildings or Jurassic Park.

Nobody is talking about coming up anymore. Apparently everyone starts at the top.
"I'm a billionaire. I got nice hair. I smoke purple air and I just stepped out of a high chair!"
How is everyone rich when they put out their first song? HOW!?

Rappers seem to have a problem with their audience. Why are rappers yelling at us about the things they have that we don't? Do you even want me to listen to these songs, rappers? Should I have not have bought this?

"What do you know about the clear port? Huh! What do you know about hover boots?! What do you know about buying a Bentley, crashing it into a museum, and then getting off of the charges by buying every cop, judge, and jury member each a Bentley? And not even putting a dent in your bank account! What you know about that, huh! I'm talking to you, listener! I'll blow up your town and they won't charge me! YOU HEAR ME!"
Why are you angry with us? You have all of the money! Soon when you go to a bank to get money you'll have to ask a rapper.
"Oh no, I'm sorry. We don't have any hundred-dollar bills today. Kanye and Jay have decided to use them to build a replica of America on the moon. Sorry. It's gonna be great, though!"

Why are rappers only angry with us now, and not the world's condition? Are all of the world's problems solved? Is everything straightened out? Let us know rappers, so we can live accordingly. Just songs now about drinking, taking pills or crying.

"I'm on pills! I'm on pills! Time to chill, I'm on pills!"

"Let's drink, let's drink! Whatchu think? I think it's time to drink!"

"Where'd she go, man? I loved her fam! She was the best girl, I took her around the world. Now we aren't together, and I've been crying in the studio since September. Please God, WHHHYYY?!"

Every rapper has the same answer to the question, "Who do you want to work with?"

"Who do I want to work with? That's easy. Tupac, man. Pac. Because he's the greatest, and I'm the greatest, and we would make a great collab."

Why do you want to be on a song with Tupac? Do you have dreams of being the worst part of a song? Is that what it is? You just have a need to be embarrassed on a song? Tupac rapped about social struggle, you're gonna rap about Gucci bandanas for three and a half minutes. These two things do not need to come together. That's the same as if Snooki said she really wanted to speak publicly with Martin Luther King, Jr. Doesn't need to be!

"Well, he said, "I have a dream", and I said, "If you're not a guido, get the fuck out of my face!"

Problem with a lot of rap is that it's people who don't live in a real world selling to people who do. That's why you have so much crazy talk about aliens and other planets.
"I'm from Mars! I'm not human!"
Yeah, you are. You just have face tattoos. So does Mike Tyson, and he knows he's from America.

All this crazy talk gets into people's heads, and regular people start to believe that they are the same as these rappers. That's why you see people at clubs with stunner shades and Gucci belts, but with a bus pass and ten dollars in their pocket.
"Check out this Gucci belt! Yeah, I know! White tee and a Gucci belt. I'm living it! Umm, can you buy me a drink? You're going to the bar anyway. Come on, man! Do you know how expensive this belt was?"

Remember when rappers filled the entire beat with words? I don't know how they did it. They must have been wizards! Now most songs are so slow, and so dumb.

"This beat..................is hot......................write something down........................I think not."

Where did you go?! Are you counting money between verses?! Taking some bitches out of the oven!? Trying to figure out your rapper noise?! Finish the song before you take huge breaks!

Every rapper now says they don't write. Really? We figured that out when you rhymed pizza with pizza, and took forty five seconds to say it. Write something down!

"Naw, I don't write nothing down. Pen? I don't know what you're talking about. Paper? I spend it, I don't write on it! I just get in the studio and flow."
It's almost good that they don't write this stuff down. It would be an insult to paper.
"We cut a tree down so someone could write "I'm a Boss" four hundred times? Are you serious? Why couldn't he just write "I'm a Boss" multiplied by four hundred to save paper!? We killed a family of owls! Those owls are dead! DEAD!"

Of course you don't write things down! "Fight the Power" was written down. A pen and some paper made thoughts happen. Big Sean's "Ass" was thought of, and written while stepping out of the shower. Ass! SONG CALLED ASS WHERE ASS IS SAID HUNDREDS OF TIMES! To top that, has a beat from MC Hammer. On a music label called "GOOD Music". GOOD MUSIC! Is this GOOD!? Oh wait, that stands for "Getting Out Our Dreams." Damn, almost forgot. Getting a girl to shake her ass to a song is not that bad a dream actually. I'm now torn.

Rappers aren't even trying anymore.
"Yo, get me my mic! I just thought of a song!
"Uh huh, yeah. Uh huh, yeah. I got money, yeaaahhhh. I got a watch, ooohhhhh. Money watch, money watch, money watch, money money watch. It don't tell the time, but it cost a lot. Money watch, money watch, money money watch." Nice! Get me a girl who wants to 'model', just shoot her ass and we got a hit!"

I don't understand rap video girls. Why are girls still doing this? You think it's leading to other modeling gigs where maybe you'll wear some clothes?
"Yeah mom, I'm doing well. Just got a modeling job! Yeah! I rub my ass covered in oil on the hood of a Rolls Royce! You have to look quick, because if you blink you'll miss my face before two strange men throw money at it. I think it's my big break!"

Speaking of videos, how many rappers have actually ever watched a music video?

"What do you want to have in this video?"

"I was thinking cars, watches, girls, money, girls on money, cars on girls on money, a watch so big it can wear a girl as a watch, car full of money that runs on money. That kinda thing."

"...Um, I don't mean to mess with your groove, but have you seen this video? Or this one?"

"What is he doing?! That's my video! He stole my idea! Okay, okay. Let's relax for a minute. What's another idea I have? OH! How about driving a motorbike with a hundred of my "friends" through my hood?!"

"Oh, boy. I hate to be the one to show you this..."

"My God! How did these other rappers get into my thoughts?! Damn you, psychic rappers! DAMN YOU!"

When rappers aren't talking about watches, they are giving us dance moves to do for a week. I suppose that's what happens, though, when you don't write.
"What rhymes with cash?" "I don't know that shit! Break it down!"
Songs like "Teach Me How To Dougie". Why not get someone to "Teach You How to Rap"? 

So many rappers now want to be Celine Dion. Why is everyone singing? We all owe Ja Rule an apology. He sang, and we all hated him for it. Years later, Drake sings, "Look, this is the greatest thing in world!" Listen, I'm not saying Ja Rule could sing, but you can't convince me that Drake is amazing at it either. Maybe if Ja Rule had called himself "Jizzy Rizzy Rule" we'd all still be screaming Holla Holla.

One great thing to come from rap music is the idea that if you don't like something you are just 'hating'. You can't have an opinion without being labeled a 'hater'.
"I don't like this rapper."
"You're just a hater."
"I don't hate him. I just don't think what he does is good."
"...HATER! THIS GUY'S A HATER!"
You're telling me people can still say, with a straight face, "being gay is a choice", but you can't say a rapper's garbage without people attacking you for it? That's ridiculous. People with no talent came up with the "hater" phenomenon to protect themselves.
"Wow, that song was pretty bad. You rhymed phone with phone. Want to take another look at it?"
"You're just a hater! That's what you are! You're just hating on my flow!"
"...Oh, wow. Am I? I'm sorry. I didn't mean to make you feel bad. Maybe I am being a "hater". Here's some money."
The 'hater' mindset stretches to other parts of life other than rap and that just doesn't make sense. I asked a guy I used to work with one day how he was doing.
"Just trying to dodge the haters, man."
What? We fold t-shirts! What are you talking about?! Who's in the back going,
"Man, look at that guy folding a tee. I hate him! I gotta let him know, YOU SUCK AT FOLDING!"

There used to be songs about the problems/actual things in the world/life.
"Fuck the Police"
"No Matter What"
"The Message"
I know other than "No Matter What" these are old, but they had a message! They told a story! There are no messages now.
"Ride Dick So Good"
"Blowin' Money Fast"
"PacMan"
Okay, wait. I was wrong. "Ride Dick So Good" does have a message. There is a bad girl in Plies' hood who can ride dick so good. I can follow that.

I know that there has always been fun or ridiculous rap songs over the years, but songs with messages were also heard and became popular. Now there are no popular rap songs with anything to say. None on TV, none on the radio. Nothing. People heard "Fight the Power", it got air time. Nothing with anything to say now does. Look at the top ten rap songs out right now and see! I'm not saying everything should say something, but some songs that are about real things should be there to balance it out. One example is "Night Train" by Joell Ortiz, a song about going to work and wanting more out of life, which is something we all do! How is that not a really popular song!

I've heard people say, "I don't like rap music about real life because it's depressing." Stop being a HATER! Is it better to have rappers mention watches eight times on one album? The beats on "Watch the Throne" were great, but I had to stop listening when Jay-Z said, "So many watches I need eight arms". Umm, so... you have eight arms, Jay? 

Insurance. Not really.

Insurance is something that everyone will have to deal with at some point. It sounds reassuring. Makes you think of safety, protection, maybe even a favorite blanket and a warm cup of cocoa. A favorite blanket won't try to choke you one day, though, and that cup of cocoa won't suddenly turn back to milk when you really need it. Insurance, however, may not be there when you need it.

Insurance companies love to have ads showing happy people. Happy people running through fields wearing the warmest of sweaters, swinging their kids around, drinking coffee, sitting in kayaks. Then the tag line,
"Insurance: Let us tuck you in at night."
"Ahhhh. That company cares about me! Tuck me in!"

It's ridiculous when insurance companies pretend to care.
"We don't want to see anything bad happen to you."
No, you don't. Because if something does, you'll have to do some work and figure out a way not to pay for it.
"How the hell did he fall? God, I guess I'm missing lunch today. Gotta figure out a way to prove it was his shoes fault and not the streets. Man this place makes me mad some times!"

Car Insurance
Should just be 'car insurance', right? I have a car, and I would like it insured. But no, insurance companies break it down into sections to get more money. You decide how you will get into an accident.
"What do you want covered on your car?"
"Can I get the whole car covered?"
"Of course you can! So that's collision, liability,comprehensive,uninsured motorist protection,no fault, medical/personal injury, drivers side tire, trunk, and radio insurance.  Oh, you'll want the radio insurance. Just last week a mans radio jumped out of his car and strangled a motorist. Good thing he was covered."

Car insurance companies make you pay more insurance for two door cars.

"Well, they go faster. Therefore, they are more dangerous." 

Yeah, but I still have to drive the speed limit! Doesn't matter if you're driving a Lamborghini, in the city you'll be driving the same speed as a Plymouth Windstar.

"Nice car! Does it have extra large cup holders like mine? I can fit a double big gulp in this thing! No room for kids in that thing huh? Man, are you lucky!"

Insurance companies try so hard not to pay you when something does happen. They must have a room full of guys, smoking Marlboros and drinking coffee, looking over blue prints the way generals do in war movies.
"Guys! Accident just happened, and he may be totally in the right! We might have to pay some money! What are we gonna do?"

"For god's sake man, get ahold of yourself! We can't pay out a little bit of money compared to the 6.5 billion we'll make this year. You know damn well we are not in the business of paying for accidents! We are in the business of talking people into believing that the accident was their fault! Now, I'm gonna hack this butt and make these people doubt themselves, and you get the president of the company on the phone and say we'll be fishing in Bucksport, Maine before they can say insurance premiums."

Even if you had the exact insurance for what the situation you were in called for, they'd find a way not to pay. If you had the "candy apple red Corvette, going 87mph on a country road, making a left onto Sprint st, get t-boned by an 24 year old college graduate on his way to a job interview in a 68 Ford truck" insurance, and that happened, they'd find a way.
"God, friends told me I was crazy, but I'm glad I got that insurance!"
"Ah, but did you have the blue jay flying 24 ft off the ground in the direction of South West insurance? Sorry, you're liable."

A young man's insurance is more expensive then a young woman's. Just ridiculous.
"Well, young men get into more accidents"
"Who posts that stat?"
"It's on our insurance company's website, sir".
"Oh wow! Why would you not pad your own stats!"
It's more expensive because men can't complain. Not at all. If women's insurance was more because "women get into more accidents than men", women would protest! Bras would burn! Marches would be had! And they'd be right.
Someone thought about that. "We can get more money out of men, because if they are really men, or want to be men, they won't complain about it."
If men got together to complain about insurance? "1,2,3,4, we don't want to pay more!", world leaders would pull up, "Pull your panties up gentlemen! Next you'll be wondering why fathers day is a joke! Go to work you Marys! There's got to be some boxes to stack somewhere."

The best is, people at one point in time went, "I'm  not paying for car insurance. That's ridiculous!" So what happens? They made it illegal to drive without it! Hilarious!

"How come?"

"Well, we're protecting you. What if you get into an accident? Whose gonna pay for it?"

"Do you care if I do get into an accident?"

"No, but what if we did?"

Home Insurance
You bought a home? Then you have to get some home insurance! What if someone breaks in and steals your Donald Duck Collectors edition towel rack? You can't take that chance.

You also can't just get "home insurance". What kind? What do you want to protect against? Home insurance does have a ridiculous clause that helps companies not pay. The 'Act of God' clause. Oooooweee! What a good one.

"No, we can't pay for your house. That hurricane was an Act of God."
"How is it an act of God? I said hurricane, not plague or locusts. He didn't turn my house into wine. That would be an act of God. Hurricane! If God was driving a car and he smoked me in an intersection would it be an act of god? No! It'd be an act of bad driving! This was bad hurricane throwing. Put it in a jungle where no one lives! He owes me money! Wait, weather is Mother nature's territory! Call her up and tell her she's liable!

An 'Act of God'? What year is this? If we are keeping the church out of state, can't we do the same with insurance?
"God destroyed your house. Sorry."
"He make my kid sick as well? You gonna tell me to put leeches on my head and repent so it doesn't happen again? It's 2011! Not 1611. If I get cold in December, it's not an act of god. It's an act of science and not having gloves."

If there are 'Acts of God', whose God are we going with here? Christian God? Old man with a white beard throwing disasters at your house? That who we're going with? What about an old Roman god? Buddha? If a God you don't pray to destroys your house, you should get some money back if.
"Hurricane hit your house? Act of God sir."
"Which God did it though?"
"Studies show the Hindu God Vishnu is responsible most times."
"Well, damn it! Shouldn't I get money back then? He's not my God! That damn Hindu God is infringing on my basic human freedoms! He's been giving me problems ever since I accidentally hit that cow on the highway. I'm sorry, Vishnu! What else do I have to say!"

Whoever came up with the Act of God clause must be celebrated in the world of insurance the way Steve Jobs is celebrated in the world of technology.
"Another great fiscal year, guys! Let's take this opportunity to toast to the man who made it possible for us to buy pairs of gold socks and still only wear them once before we throw them out, Professor Chris Holloday! Of course we call him the Professor for being so smart as to come up with the 'Act of God' clause. Haha, oh man. Act of God! Good one, Professor Chris. Rest in peace, sir, in the casket constructed from a hollowed out Rolls Royce Phantom, and the bones of Abraham Lincoln, that we burrowed directly into the center of the Earth as nobody deserves to be on your level. Rest in peace, you devilish warrior."

ANYONE who works in insurance has the exact same job as someone who goes around cutting purses on the street. Yes, a cut purse. Only difference is one guy is indoors.

"What do you do?"

"I rob people in the street."

"Oh, that must be cold. I rob people from an office. Much more comfortable."

"Ya know, I've been meaning to get an office? Thing is, tourists don't come through offices too much."

"...They do if you're selling... travel insurance, son!"

"Oh man! You just opened up my world of thievery!"

They high five over a kid on a spit roast.

Travel Insurance

What a farce. "If you lose your bag, we will pay for it to be replaced." Sounds great! Until you try to collect on it. 

"Can you tell us how much the contents of the bag were worth?"

"Yes, with cameras, clothes, and other electronics, about $1400."

"Okay, sir. We can give you $300."

"What?! But I said $1400!"

"Yes, you did, sir. And I said $300. Also, it will be sent in the form of coupons to Red Lobster's kids' menu. Thanks for purchasing travel insurance."

How are these people not crooks? They have talked people into giving them money for a 'what if'. "But what if you get hurt? What then?" We would never do this with anything else.

"If you give me 1000 dollars, I may give you a tv."

"Umm, that doesn't sound like a good deal."

"What if it's a great tv?"

"....You're right, let's give it a shot!"

"Thanks! Damn, no tv in the box. What if there was, though? Want to give me a thousand dollars a month and maybe one day there will be a tv in it?"

"Do I!"

Health Insurance

What's hilarious about health insurance is, if you need it, you ain't getting it.

"My arm is about to fall off! I really need health insurance."

"Yes, we can see you really need our help, and that is unfortunately why we cannot help you. We only give insurance to healthy, fit people with no history of illness."

"But those people don't need it!"

"Sir, please, calm down and stop flailing. Your arm is about to fall off."

They won't give it to you because they don't want to pay! How have we let these people do this!

When people revolt and go into an insurance company and burn it down, we can all call it an act of god.

Fake People. I can't deal.

I try to be a real human. I like other humans. When I talk to people, I talk to people. I don't have 'stock lines' to say. Fake people do. They sound as if they were programmed by a group of cylons.

"I really liked your play. Can I be in it?"
"...why are you talking like the recording from the library that calls when you have an overdue book?"
".....I really liked your play. Let's hang out and I'll give you more compliments until you place me in it?"

I don't trust fake people for the same reason I don't trust cyborgs. Cyborgs are not human. Every cyborg in a movie has to be reprogrammed before humans can trust it. It also always has to have HUMAN FEELING injected into its metal being. Always. Should be able to with fake people as well.

"Operating on another one, huh?"
"Yep. This one stepped over a dead body for two lines in a Colgate commercial. Just sad. Not even a national!"

Fake people seem to have no actual emotions. They have emotions the way a fax machine would if it could talk. Actually, maybe less so, because a fax machine will flash the word "sorry" on its screen and mean it. Fake people make every thing that happens to them sound like the best thing in the world.

"Everything is so great! Oh, this? Yeah, it's a cast. I was hit by a car yesterday while I was tweeting a quote from my favorite band. No, no, it's great! I've always wanted to learn to use my left hand! Plus, now I won't be able to eat ice cream as fast. Lose some pounds, ya know? I can get down from 109 to a svelte 102 by Thursday. It's so great!"

Can you just say, "Yeah, broke my arm. No good." It's not that they're optimistic about it either. It's that they really don't know how to not try to impress people. Have a human emotion! Just ONE! ONE! Pick one. Whichever one you want, but you gotta have one. You want to only have anger? Fine. At least you'll be a bit more human.

"Hey, how are you?"
"I'M GREAT! YOU TOO? GREAT! THIS IS GREAT!!"
"You're pissed."
"ONLY EMOTION THAT WAS LEFT! I'M NOT ACTUALLY MAD!"

Fake people can't distinguish between humans. I wouldn't be surprised if they just have sonar the way a bat does to feel the faceless blob that stands in front of them. They have the same greeting for everyone.

"Oh, mom, how are you? Great, great! I love you! Oh, person I just met, how are you? Great, great. I love you! Oh, significant other, how are you? Great, great. I love you!...wait, were those all the same person? Who cares, they're great!"

They also don't listen to you when they ask "how you are?". Not really listen. They hear it, but it doesn't compute. They go into a sort of sleep mode the way a Mac does. When they ask you how you are, there should be a screen saver that runs across their face.

"How are you?"
"Things are alright. I gotta get a new job man."
"That's great! I just got a tiny dog!"
"...wait, was there just a spectrum in your eyes?"
"Real tiny! Well, talk to you soon!"

The world of television seems to only want news about celebrities to be brought to you buy people who are as fake as Cheez Whiz. Why must people talk like that? WHY?! How can you walk through life speaking as if you have a motherboard in your chest? I've heard people say "They are professional". Professional is showing up to work on time and not drunk. Talking as if you came out of an action figure case at a Toys-R-Us is disgusting and should be punishable by law. Alabama law. 1930's Alabama law.

"What are we hanging this guy for?"
"He used the word schmooze 10 times last week."
"Ugh. Let's get a higher branch."

Fake people love the word 'great'. When a non fake person uses the word great, you are taking one of theirs away. The last sentence alone took two greats away from a fake person.

"I found a pair of really expensive shoes on sale for 600 dollars!"
"Oh! Only 600? That's so ... that's so .... ah god, I'm out of the word that I use for every situation. Yep, tanks empty. I'll have to kill a celebrity blogger to get more of it."
"Want to borrow a 'great'?"
"Alright, but I can't pay you back until I commit murder."
"Oh, don't worry about it. That's just great."
"Stop it! We have to conserve! "

I honestly don't know if they feel at all. One of them could be hit by a bus, and their last words would be "Oh, that bus that ran over me? I know my body was ripped in half, but things are .....things are just.......ugh....greeeaaaattt." I just took another one away.