Godzilla.

I waited for awhile to see this movie. The first few trailers made it look like it was going to be a serious take on Godzilla. I avoided all trailers after that. I didn't want to see what Godzilla looked like before I saw it. A couple days before the release, Youtube made that hard, running a banner on their homepage that had Godzilla screaming in your face. Okay, well, it's just his face. Go to see the movie. Sitting there, before the previews, there is a Fiat commercial. And who is the celebrity they get to sell this thing? You guessed it. Godzilla himself. In full form! He eats a Fiat, chokes on it, dies, and the car drives out of his face. So before the movie, right before it, Godzilla is no longer a surprise because he's selling me a Fiat. I don't even understand that marketing.
"Looking for a new car. Something that is tiny enough to fit in a monsters mouth, but wide enough to get stuck in his throat and kill him, then small enough to drive out of his mouth when he dies."
"Have you heard of the ... Fiat?"
"I have. I thought that was just for Italy. Or clowns. Or Italians clowns."
"Nope. It's for ANYONE who wishes their cubicle had wheels."
"... Did you just call the Fiat a cubicle with wheels?"
"Did I just knock two hundred dollars off the sticker price?"
"I'll take it!"

The movie starts. Here comes Bryan Cranston. Love this man. For most of this movie he looks like Robin Williams in Mrs. Doubtfire before he becomes Mrs. Doubtfire. That's what I kept thinking, anyway.
"Maybe when Godzilla shows up, he'll dress up as a nanny to stop him. WHEN Godzilla shows up. Wait a minute, where the hell is Godzilla?"
Godzilla, as only the King of the Monsters can, shows up later. A bunch later. Like a whole episode of The Wire later. What comes before him? Some other monsters. Which I thought was great! A thing you think is going to be Godzilla, turns out to be another monster that is here to murder. Pretty cool. One strange thing to me is that the trailers were sort of misleading in that regard. Godzilla was the prominent one in the trailers. I had no idea there were other monsters. Which is cool. I suppose the studio wanted to keep that a secret, but it's a little sad when you want to see some Godzilla smashing and hurting things.

Why is it sad? Because Godzilla ain't here to destroy. Godzilla is here to protect. Even thought years ago the United States dropped nukes on him and tried to kill him, Godzilla waits in the earths core until another monster appears, then he wakes up and smashes that monster. He's a detective in a way. He's a giant, underwater Batman here to restore order.
"Swear to me!"
"What did you just say, Godzilla?"
"... Rooooaaaarrr!"
And what's sort of strange, is that even though Godzilla comes out of the ocean to protect earth, to stop these monsters because he is the only one that can, the United States Army is STILL trying to kill him! They are shooting him, throwing missiles at him. Tanks are unloading in his face. Friendly fire, guys. Just because he's not wearing an American flag does not mean he's against you. Godzilla's got a lot to deal with. Two monsters that want him dead, and the American military that know he's there to help but still want to fire their guns. I'm sure at points Godzilla wishes he could speak english.
"Jesus, can you not see I'm fighting two giant beats that feed on nuclear energy? Do you REALLY think it helps me when you shoot me with that AR-15? I'm too big to even feel it! It's just annoying. Do you WANT to have an earth anymore? I can go back in the ocean and pretend I didn't hear these monsters. Is that what you want? Huh? Then stop shooting me!"
"Sir! Sorry, Godzilla, sir! You're just big and scary and I have an automatic weapon, sir!"
"Hey, man. I get it. You think it's easy for me in this body? There's NOTHING for me to have sex with. Let's just work together here, okay?"
I do like this movie. It was fun for what it is. I do have a couple of thoughts, though.

I think movies have to find a better motivator for a man than his wife dying. We get it. At one point in time, your wife dying was the worst thing that could happen. But now? The divorce rate is fifty percent. There's no way that men can still be driven to such things when they're wife dies. Bryan Cranston in this movie spends fifteen years trying to figure out exactly what happened to his wife. Fifteen years! And he's still passionate about it! I can believe in Godzilla more than I can that. Had his wife not have died in the movie, stats say they might have gotten a divorce on screen anyway.
"Woa, honey. Look at the news. There's a monster coming out of the ocean!"
"Look at the news? Look at the garbage! I asked you to take this out two days ago!"
"God dammit. Again with this garbage nonsense? There's a earth beast coming to eat us!"
"I'll tell you what it won't be eating. Dinner. In this house. Because there's no point in making it! Not if there's no place to throw out the leftovers."
"What in the hell does THAT mean?"
"It means the garbage is full, and you NEVER finish what I make anyway, so I'll have to throw it out, but where? Where 'radiation master' of Japan? Tell me that!"
"You've always resented that I got this job in Japan. Well tough fortune cookies, honey. It puts food on the table!"
"I don't even think these people are japanese! They speak english better than we do with very minimal japanese accents."
"DON'T TALK ABOUT MY CO-WORKERS LIKE THAT! They are strong, hard working people who I can speak fluent english with in their native country and then throw in some japanese words whenever I want!"
"I want a strong, hard working divorce!"
"Fine!"
In the movies, you kill a mans wife, he'll go to the ends of the earth to find you. In real life, you kill a mans wife, good chance he's remarried or at least moved on within three years.

I also like that there's a scene where Godzilla is fighting a monster, and you can clearly see people in an office working. That's how rough these office jobs are. Whole city has been evacuated, and the President of some company won't let his employees leave.
"We have to evacuate!"
"Evacuate my bag. We have to finish this merger."
"There's monsters outside!"
"Outside? There's monsters at the ground level that want my job! I didn't get to this position by running away every time a little 'state of emergency' was issued. Get accounting on the phone. And order chinese! We're gonna be here as long as it takes."

Also, why do monsters in monster movies always want to have kids? There can't just be monsters that want to destroy? It happens in horror movies. Jason Vorhees isn't trying to have kids. Michael Myers will just kill a kid. In movies dedicated to monsters though, that's usually the reason. Reason can't just be that they are monsters? We gotta give them a human element? Most humans in North America now don't even want to have kids. The movie should be people trying to convince the monsters why that's a bad idea.
"Kids? Are you giant things serious? Think about all the free time you'll lose. You won't just be able to fly from here to Japan anymore if you have kids to worry about. And you can FORGET having a social life. Just forget it. Right now I can literally do whatever I want. Why? No kids! Think about it. And please don't eat or kill me."
Or maybe that was the point of the movie. To show that people who want to have lots of kids are monsters.

Again, I had fun with this movie. It's not as serious as the first trailers let on I don't think, but if you see it in the theatre you'll have a good time. I wish it had had some more Godzilla, but hey, I'm still doing alright.

Twitter @nathanmacintosh

Family fights!

I was home for a couple days and went to visit family. I'm not one of the people who has a perfect family. I'm not sure anyone does, but now I really just consider a family perfect if they don't fight during a meal at Denny's. You can sit down with people you've known since you were young, watch them eat pancakes and not bring up some event that happened ten years ago? Well sir, you are part of a perfect thing in my eyes.

Personally, I don't have that perfect family. There are a lot of fights about a lot of things. Things happening right now. Things that happened in the past. Things that haven't happened but should still be argued about incase they were to happen. It's pretty much a constant over the last few years. And really, I don't know what there is to be done about it. Not sure you can ever just sit down and say what has really gone wrong over your lifetime. What has happened to make people react the way they do in certain situations. That doesn't seem like an option.

It seems everyone says that their family is messed up. Everyone says that their family is crazy, or insane, or that they don't get along. What's strange to me, is if this is true, why when a non perfect family does argue in a diner over some omelettes, do the people around them get so strange? Why do they get tense, and talk about that family as if they are crazy? If everyone's family is nuts, is it REALLY that big a deal?

In public, people put on a front. People walk around showing others that THEY are normal.
"Look, we've got it together. Even though we were just screaming at each other over an iPad, we need to show that we are not those type of people. So, here we are. Walking and not talking to each other because we're pissed, but you can't tell that!"
For some reason, we all decided years ago that when we are in public, around other people who are messed up, we were going to show them that we are not.

Even seeing other families argue, we pretend as if what they are doing is nuts. People get tense, start pointing or secretly talking to each other.
"Look, look, look. Not right now! They're looking. Behind you. You hear that? They're arguing about some cousin in their family whose a piece of trash. Just like we've done a bunch of times. What a bunch of nuts. Arguing in public like just about everyone ends up doing at some point in time. Glad I'm not them, even though I am."
Why did we all decide this rule that we have to look perfect or totally put together for people we don't even know? Do we REALLY care what an usher at a movie theatre thinks of us? Does it REALLY matter if the person at the B

We should allow it to happen. We should cheer it on. We should encourage it because we are all going to be there and have been there.
"Yeah, scream at that kid! I was just yelling at mine the other day, and I'll be doing it again soon. Good for you for letting it out!"

We shouldn't go out of our way to fight in public, but if it happens, and when it does the rest of us shouldn't act like we can't believe that it's happening. As if we have no idea why a mother and daughter would get mad at each other. Or why a family driving across country will pull into a gas station just screaming at each other. Why would that happen? We know damn well why! Because sometimes people you are close to make you angrier than anything else ever could. Traffic can never make you as angry as a family member could. Imagine if the cars in front of you were members of your family just beaking at you.
Honk! Honk!
"Come on, move it!"
"Move it? Really? You're going to talk to your mother like that? After all I've done for you?"
"Well what are you doing in the middle of the street?"
"Ah, again. Never 'nice to see you, mom', 'I've missed you, mom', just anger all the time."
"I'm gonna lose my mind!"

What's really crazy, is we all pretend that arguing is weird, but when any of us run into a family that doesn't argue at all, we think they are the craziest people of all. Are they a part of a cult? Did they have a lobotomy when they were kids? How the hell do you never fight with people you've been around your whole life!
"Myself and my family never argue. We come to logical conclusions about our disagreements over tea and cookies."
"Alright, Dahmer. I'm not sleeping here tonight."

When you see a family arguing in public, don't look at them as if they're insane. Just be thankful that currently it isn't you, because you know that day is coming around again.

Make it a blog night.

NetFlix, along with some other things, completely destroyed BlockBuster. Took it and threw it in the gutter. We all rejoiced. We all think this is the greatest. BlockBuster treated us bad! It made us pay late fees, and then even when they stopped doing that, they made us buy whatever we had taken from them.  When BlockBuster went under, people came out of everywhere saying how terrible they always thought it was. When it was around? Late fees aside, people didn't have too much bad to say. For me, I think I miss BlockBuster and the movie stores.

One reason is, I like the idea of leaving the house to get something. Leaving our houses for things, most things, was something that was just a given even a few years ago. Movies for sure. Doesn't anyone else miss that? Why lock ourselves in with movies like there's a zombie apocalypse outside.
"Hey, call that restaurant, order some food, and gear up seven hours of television. If I leave my house this weekend..."
"Is something bad happening out there? Murderers? Pilferers?!"
"No, I just don't want to go anywhere."
Soon we'll all just be locked in with products coming to our door. There are services now that will deliver groceries. Groceries! 'Don't you hate buying things that keep you alive? Well, don't! Well, do!.. but WE'LL get them to you!' That will how you'll be able to know if someone is old.
"Back in my day, we had to leave our houses sometimes to get things, and we liked it!"
"Ugh, gross! Grandpa used to go outside. How OLD are you?"

Renting movies at BlockBuster, we watched them as well. No matter how bad they were, we watched them. We had too! It took time to go rent them. Had to drive, walk, crawl. However you got there. But it took time. Had to walk through the store, had to wait in line to rent it. THEN, get home all over again. So, no matter what, you watched what you rented. Now? There's no work involved, so there's no guilt at all with shutting something off. I've shut movies off on NetFlix because I didn't like the font of the credits.
"Italics? This is gonna be bad. Goodbye forever, movie! No more chances for you."
Shut them off for nothing! The directors name is Geoff? Spell it the real way, idiot. I'm out. Having NetFlix is having a license to walk out of movies at any and all times.

BlockBuster didn't just throw movies out of the store without telling you. NetFlix just takes movies down for no reason. No warning at all. One night you start 'Drive', the next night you try to finish it, and bam! NetFlix decided that you don't need to. Why? How? It's Drive! It's a newer movie! Sometimes they let you know they're going to be taking movies down. They put a bunch of horror movies up specifically for halloween. Well, you would think. The movies say 'posted until Oct 26th'. 26th! Do you know when Halloween is, Netflix? Are holidays different in your company?
"I never liked where Christmas was. It's right in the middle of winter! Nope. Around here, July 14th. That's when WE'LL do Christmas."
"But, sir! That's insane! You can't just change a holiday!"
"I can change your job status, from employed to fired!"
"July 14th it is, sir! I can almost hear the chestnuts roasting on an open beach barbeque pit."

Doesn't anyone miss stealing movies? Stealing a movie from a movie store. Actually having a hard copy of a movie and never giving it back?

"This is due back by Tuesday, sir."

"Oh, man. I will NEVER be back here again."

"... Okay, well, Wednesday then."

It was great stealing their movies! Looking at it in your house, it having a BlockBuster sticker on it. The movie, no matter what it was, was better to watch knowing that you weren't supposed to own it.

"Yo, you want to watch 'Sudden Death'?"

"You mean, BlockBuster videos 'Sudden Death'?"

"Hell yeah!" (Spin high five while jumping over a bowl of popcorn)

With BlockBuster I liked that you could find movies. Now you have to know the name of a movie you don't know to find it. You can't just come across everything that NetFlix has. NetFlix doesn't have every movie listed in their menus. The menus don't show all the movies, so if you don't know the name of something, you will not just stumble upon it. Blockbuster was never hiding movies in the back until you could guess their names.
"Do you have a movie starring this guy.. you know the guy... looks like a gremlin? And there's a big car chase in it?'
"Oh, I know what you mean. But until you tell me the name, I tell you nothing."
"But I don't know the name? Can I just walk around looking for it?"
"No. No you can't. It's invisible, until you TELL ME IT'S NAME!"

BlockBuster for sure did some things we didn't like. Late fees pretty much being the worst. But they were open on Christmas, had video games and candy, and were fun to walk through. But, like McDonald's pizza, they are gone forever.

Be the person you're supposed to be.

There comes a time in everyone's life where you start to look around and realize that something is wrong. Is something actually wrong? Maybe, maybe not. But you WILL look around and start to question it. Are you doing what you want to be doing? Are you saying and doing the things you want to say and do? Have you made all of the wrong decisions? Who knows. But one things for sure, you will think about it. You'll start to think as well if you're being yourself. If there's something you are holding back. If you are living the way you want to live. Well, let this happen sooner than later.

Too many people wait a long time to fully start being themselves. Get to fifty, or sixty, and finally start living the way they've always wanted to live. Why not do it earlier? Because earlier, at a younger age, you are around people. "TERRIBLE", "SCARY" people, who will 'judge' you for everything you do and say. Will they actually? Hard to say. Some people WILL for sure. Others? You're probably just making it up out of fear. So, when we're younger, and in school or at jobs with people constantly around us, we put on fronts so as not to be judged. Then, when we're older, and around the least amount of people we've ever been around, we start being ourselves.
"Look at me! I'm eighty. Alone on my porch. And you know what? I ALWAYS thought the Stones were better than the Beatles. There, I said it. You hear me world! The STONES are better than the BEATLES!"

That's also the time when people start wearing what they want to wear. Not EVERYTHING calls for good clothes. You ever see someone at Wal-Mart and think what they're wearing is garbage?
"Woa. Look at that guy. Flip flops and a sleeveless 'Duck Dynasty' t-shirt. Are they crazy?"
Are you? It's Wal-Mart! It's a place where you can buy cookies AND pants. You can get your car fixed AND pick up diapers. THAT'S considered some sort of red carpet affair? No. Some of these people are criminals, sure, but most have reached a place where they don't care what you think of them. What you're wearing in a place like that shouldn't matter. In most places, really. I can't wait until people stop caring what others are wearing at award shows.
"Brad! You look so nice tonight. Who are you wearing?"
"Who I want. Blow me."
".... Well they make a nice suit."

School can be awful place for being yourself. It starts thoughts in us that we believe for way too long. Not only because people will bully you, which yes, can be terrible. More so because, people higher up don't instil enough to young people that THIS STUFF DON'T MATTER. You don't have the best jeans so people make fun of you? Don't matter! You're dating a person that some other loveless piece of garbage doesn't find attractive? Don't matter! That should be a full class in school. 'Don't Matter 101'.
"Hey, kids. Thanks for being here today. You'll notice I'm wearing just a speedo and a hockey helmet. Why? It don't matter. When a kid makes fun of wear you come from? Guess what? One day you'll BOTH be terrified about the prospect of dying. What they say don't matter. Somebody says your girlfriend or boyfriend is ugly? Guess what? One day you'll BOTH be wondering what the point of all this is. It don't matter. Your homework is to tell everyone to shove it."

What's nuts as well, is that when you start being the person you are supposed to be, you start wearing what  you want to wear, when you walk the way you want to walk, people start saying you're crazy. When you step outside of the norm, people start saying that you are crazy, that you are going insane, that you are losing your mind.

"Are you NOT wearing a snap back hat? Wow. What are you nuts? We are ALL doing it. Why would you not do this? Why would you buy a peacoat that's NOT black? Look around you? EVERYONE is wearing a black one. Straighten up!"

Saying someone is 'crazy' is a very simple way of pretending to be cool, and dismissing someone. If you say they're 'crazy', you don't have to find out anything about them, why they do what they do, or what they think. In your mind, they're crazy, so who cares? Not you. 

Most things we think are cool are made up anyway. Not in a weird negative way, but most things are fabricated to look cool, to make you look cool, or to make you feel that you should be doing whatever is going on to be cool, be considered cool, or whatever. You think what you're watching on TV has a group of cool, hip, fun people who want to be there? They are probably paid to do so! Dr. Phil's audience gets fifty bucks to sit there. I'm sure some of them want to be there anyway, but fifty bucks! Some women at clubs are paid to be there! You walk into a club, see a guy sitting there with four hot girls, and think, 'that guys awesome.' Those women are being paid! They're being paid so people like you think that place is awesome and you keep going back! You ever go into a place and think it's dead? It's probably because the manager of the club doesn't have the budget to pay the women to show up.

"Okay, we've installed your bar, DJ booth, and bathroom attendant. Now, let's talk money for these hot women that will dance here."

"Money? No, women will just show up, right? The really, really hot ones... right?"

"Stupidly hot women don't just DO anything. Where she goes, people follow. So what's her incentive to be here?"

"... Because this is the place to be?"

"Where SHE is is the place to be. When she's grocery shopping? THAT'S the place to be. Get your shit together, man."

Either way, be you. We're still having debates about whether or not someone lives in the sky. Wear the god damn hat if it makes you happy.

Twitter @nathanmacintosh

Christmas is Christmas no matter where you Christmas.

I've always liked Christmas. Now though, for different reasons. Now, as an adult, I can do what I want on that day. As a kid you might have to have dinner at a certain time, or go to a family members house. As an adult, don't have to do anything. Don't have to go to a certain persons house for dinner at a certain time. Don't have to have conversations with cousins about the weather.
"Cold out there, huh?"
"Yep. It's winter."
"Yeah, but it's winter in LA, and it's not cold there!"
"Two different places I guess."
"Yeah, but one place is cold, and the other place, well, it just isn't! Isn't that something!?"
Okay, so conversations like that rarely happen to that kind of extreme, but still. I choose to spend Christmas how I want.

That means for the last couple of years I've stayed in New York for Christmas. Because I stay here and it's not where my family lives, I get invited to orphan Christmas.
"You want to come to orphan Christmas dinner?"

"Nope. Orphan is not really a fun word. Sounds terrible."

"Oh, it's not a Christmas for orphans. In this case, YOU'RE the orphan because you won't be with your family, so I'm inviting you to mine."

"So, I'll go, and they'll look at me all day like my family were burned to death in a fire?"

"Sort of. Also, they weren't? Then why aren't you going home?"

Putting the word 'Orphan' in front of anything doesn't make it sound appealing.
"You're cute. You want to have an orphan threesome with me and my friend?"
"I don't even think orphans would want to have an orphan threesome."

I have places I can go, I just choose not to. I'm back and forth to Canada a decent amount, and flying home at Christmas is way too expensive. It cost almost a thousand dollars to get home. Why? Because there's not a lot of direct flights from NY to New Brunswick, and also, it's Christmas. Airlines can charge whatever they want.
"Alright. I need to fly from Halifax to Northern Halifax for Christmas. Let's see how much that would cost. Seven hundred bucks?! It's an hour flight. What the hell, airlines!"
"We're sorry. When you really want to get somewhere during a certain time of year, we raise the prices. Same flight in January would be four hundred dollars less. But, there's no reason to go home in January, now is there? So, will you be checking one bag, or two?"

Also, why is it necessarily sad when someone doesn't go home for Christmas? How do you know what their family Christmas would be like? People sort of assume that you just HAVE to go home for Christmas. If you don't, something must be wrong and you must be the most depressed person on earth.
"You're not going home for Christmas? Wow. You okay? You thinking about ending it all? How are you even able to stop crying long enough to tell me that? Was your family murdered by ninjas on Christmas? I am so truly, truly sorry."
Not all Christmas's or families on Christmas are the way they are shown to us in commercials. Every commercial for Christmas shows a mom and a dad, both wearing terrible sweaters, in a big house with at least two kids, a dog is running around, their tree is massive, and there's so many presents under the tree it'll take until the 26th to open them all. They NEVER show commercials with people living in apartments. Why? Do people in apartments not celebrate Christmas? Do you HAVE to have a set of stairs to run down to really enjoy presents?
"Merry Christmas, guys!"
"Ah, yeah. Thanks, mom. Huuuuh. It's just, I can't fully enjoy this new iPod knowing that I ran two steps down a hall way and then through the kitchen to open it. Hopefully next year, we'll get a real, HUMAN place to live."

I like staying in NY for Christmas. Christmas is the one day a year that I don't feel bad for not doing anything, so I want to take full advantage of that. There's a bunch of places I could go, but if I do, I gotta wear pants, I have to talk to families, I have to not swear. All of those things are fine, and I like doing them, but on Christmas? Man. Adult Christmas has become a real day. I wake up really early, start the day with tons of bacon. I wear sweatpants all day. ALL... DAMN... DAY. I'll probably watch an old wrestling pay per view. Drinking in the afternoon. I probably won't shower. There's no WAY I could do any of that at a persons house with their family.
"Nathan, what are you doing? Aren't you going to get dressed?"
"What? No. It's Christmas! Did you get dressed as a kid when it was Christmas? You're goddamn right you didn't."
"Can you watch your language. There are kids here."
"And I bet they're happy as dick that it's Christmas! I'm putting more egg nog in this rum, and I'm NOT going to eat at a dinner table. Pe, pe, peace!"
I won't be able to enjoy Christmas this way forever. I'll have a family and kid some time. Probably. Who knows. But still, doing Christmas the way I do now at forty two might be a bit weird.

I try to do Christmas the way it was as a kid as much as possible. Christmas as a kid was amazing and that's not coming back. The break from school alone was great. That last day of school before time off for Christmas. Man. Teachers handing out candy canes, movies being played. You could just leave whenever you wanted. Teachers were almost upset that you showed up.
"Ugh, you're here? Don't you have cool friends to smoke drugs in the woods with? God. Alright, I'll put on Gremlins. I would rather be home."
Christmas Eve as a kid was so much fun. It was great to not really be able to sleep because you were so excited about waking up.
"Go to sleep."
"I can't!"
"You have to."
"It's completely impossible! It's Christmas. CHRISTMAS!"
"Santa won't come if you don't go to sleep."
"Well Santa can blow me, because there's no way I'm sleeping! Doesn't he know it's Christmas?! Christmas!"

Christmas does not just have to be in the same living room you did it in when you were five. Christmas is a state of mind. It can be enjoyed anywhere, with anyone, if you really want to. You could have a good Christmas in a bus station. It would take a hell of a lot, but it could happen.

Twitter @nathanmacintosh

8 things a guy does that make you think he wants to be with you but that don't mean he wants to be with you.

So you've met a guy who you want to be with, and he has done some things that make you believe he FOR SURE wants to be with you. Are any of these the things? Then you might want to think again.

1. Sleeping with you.
So a man just put his business in your business. He wants to be with you, right? Wooooaaaaa. Slow down, 'what will our wedding song be?'. Two businesses colliding doesn't always mean good things. Remember the merger between Sony and Michael Jackson? Probably not, but it ended terribly. Michael thought Sony wanted to be with him because they put their business with his. He was wrong, and because of that, nobody heard 'Butterflies'. He's seen your butterfly, but it doesn't mean he wants it around him all the time.

                      "SONY told me at least TWO people would hear Butterflies! They lied."

2. You called your vagina a 'butterfly' in front of him and he didn't say anything.
So you're walking past a table you don't notice. Boom! You've slammed your vag into the edge. Hurt? Yes. But you can't just yell out, 'Ow! My vag! My goddamn vag!" in front of a man you've just started seeing. So you call it the name you've given it. 'Ow! My butterfly!' You pause, realize what you've done, and wait to see what his reaction is. He doesn't have one. You've just said the pet name you have for your vagina in front of your new guy and he didn't freak out! He must want to be with you! Woooooaaaaaa. Slow down, 'time for a road trip to see if we're ready to live together'. He didn't say anything, but that doesn't mean he didn't think anything. He is NOT INTO that for sure. You think it's cute, sure, but what would you say if he smashed his junk in a car door and yelled, 'Ahhhh! My caterpillar!' ... Exactly.

      "Ohhhh! My magic rope! Ahhh. I don't know what happened. Still want to go to the theatre?"

3. Holding your hand in public.
So you're walking down the street with him, and he starts to hold your hand. In front of other people! In public! He must want to be with you, right? Woooooaaaa. Slow down, 'hopefully my dad will walk me down the aisle'. Women like men who are with other women. Women don't seem to be attracted to men who are walking the earth alone and depressed. He started to hold your hand to let other women around know that he's with a woman, which means he's worth being with. He's holding YOUR hand, but hoping that the girl with great legs locking up her bike notices.

            "Look, women of earth! I'm holding a woman's hand! You now find me dateable!"

4. Saying he wants to meet your friends.
So you're hanging out, and out of nowhere, he says he wants to meet your friends. He wants to meet your friends? He wants to know some of the people you've known your whole life? He must want to be with you! Wooooooaaaaaa. Slow down, 'I always knew the right one would come along'. A man wanting to meet your friends does not mean that he wants to be with you. He thinks you're cute, so he wants to see if you have cute friends. Men like looking at women. You're a woman with access to other women. He's gonna want you to show them to him! Also, every girl has a friend of hers who she doesn't trust around men. He'd like to meet her.

     "Oh, THIS is your friend Sarah. She's nice. I can't understand why you didn't want me to meet her."

5. Saying, 'I want to be with you'.
A lot of girls fall for this one. The old 'I want to be with you' speech. Girls hear it and think, 'well, he for sure wants to be with me. He just said so!' Woooaaaa, slow down, 'we'll have blue wedding invitations'. Don't run off and get fitted for a dress just yet. What was the context when he said this? Were you laying naked in each others arms? Maybe he just doesn't want to have a naked argument. Being naked with a woman is supposed to be a good time, not a time to explain why you're not at a stage in your life where you can just commit to one person. Explaining yourself while a flaccid penis is floating around? Not a great time. Or maybe he said 'I want to be with you' while at dinner. Don't trust that either. He probably just wanted you to pass the breadsticks.

"Of course I want to be with you! Hey, do you mind passing me my phone? Thanks. Hello? No, man. I'm not busy. What's up?"

6. Saying he's not in this just for the sex.

He's seen you naked in every position possible, and you want to know if this is going somewhere. So you ask him if this is just for the sex. He looks you right in the eyes, and responds, 'No. I'm not in this just for the sex.' Oh, man! That's the answer! He wants to be with you! Woooooaaaaaa. Slow down, 'his and hers matching towels.' Any man who has said this statement has said it for a reason. Does Kobe need to tell you he can hit 3's? Does Bill Gates need to tell you he's rich? Nope. So why would a man whose not in it just for the sex have to tell you that? Because he is COMPLETELY in this just for the sex, and is trying to throw you off the trail. If he wasn't, he would have said, 'of course not, stupid. Now let's watch season 7 of Seinfeld again.'

 "In it for the sex?! No, I just suffer through that to get to the Maestro episode. Hmmm. Oh, nothing. Oh, you want to do it again? Ugh. I mean,.... Yeeeeaaaaugh."

7. Taking you to meet his parents.

'Oh, wow. I'm meeting his PARENTS. Meeting the parents is a big deal. He must want to be with me!' Wooooaaaa. Slow down, 'we're getting engaged'. Not everyone thinks their parents are cool or care about their opinions. To some, introducing you to their parents is a big thing. It's a 'mom, dad, here's who I love and I want you to meet them because I am close to you'. For others, it's 'Look, I don't like you, and you don't like me. But for some reason, this is supposed to be a normal thing so I'm doing it. I don't care if you like this girl or not. I still have unresolved issues with you, and she's here to be a reason to bail at any minute. I don't like how you spoke to me? She suddenly has to work in twenty minutes.' Now you've wasted a weekend talking to people that he doesn't care about. Worse things have happened.

"Wait, so he doesn't even like you guys?" "Would he have ran onto that highway when I said he should have stayed in school if he did? Ahhhhh. Well, this is awkward. So, what do you know about our son? We haven't spoken in years."

8. He asks you to stay in the middle of the night after sex.

So, you've had sex. It's 2am. You've never stayed over before, and he says, 'why don't you just sleep here.' Oh, wow! He just asked you to stay over! He must want to be with you! Woooooaaaaa. Slow down, 'time to order my train.' He watched the news that night and heard that there is a guy whose kidnapping women in his area. What happens if you go outside at 2:30 am and are thrown into some maniac's trunk? The cops will talk to the person who saw you last, the man whose house you just left. And what's he gonna say to them? "Ummm, I asked her to leave because I'm not ready for a relationship." Now he's being questioned about where he was the last four nights that women were kidnapped. His alibi is you, but you can't be reached because you're in the back of an Oldsmobile Cutlass that's heading to the dock where you'll be sold to human traffickers. Is any of this worth it? No. So stay over, but don't read too much into it.

"Look, I told you I don't know where she is. I just met her! I asked her to leave because my mother never gave me the love I needed so I don't know how to be open with women. Is THAT a crime?"

9 Socially unacceptable ways to break up with someone that should be acceptable.

It's the summertime. People are breaking up all over the place! The only socially acceptable way to do it is to meet up with the human you no longer want to see and tell them face to face. Every thing else has stepped into the 21st century. Breaking up needs to as well. Here are ways that are not accepted but should be.

1. In a text.
Why is this one bad? NOBODY will say that texting someone is a good way of breaking up. Texting someone that you've been in an accident,  letting someone know they should get checked because you have a STD, or 'hey, you up?' at 4:30 am are all acceptable reasons to text. But texting someone 'don't ever text me again, we're done' is not? A lot of relationships start with a text, but you can't end it the same way? This one should be the industry standard. It is NOT though. The world would respect you more for writing 'We're Done!' on a copy of Planet Earth and throwing it through their window.

"What?! No! You can't break up with me in text?! You need to meet me! Why am I yelling at my phone!?"

2. Writing 'We're Done!' on a copy of Planet Earth and throwing it through their window.
Most people leave relationships with no parting gifts. This way you leave them with something other than just the feeling that they are a useless human being. Have you ever seen Planet Earth? It's fantastic. So, your windows broken, and you've just been dumped, but now you have David Attenboroughs sexy voice to tell you about the Serengeti. So, really, is anything that bad?

"Why would Brian do this?! Right through my window! It's just ridic... oh. The complete series. Huh. Well that's something. They care about me!"

3. Leaving a message at their job.
This one is just practical. They don't get bothered with a long phone call, they can enjoy their lunch undisturbed and come back to this message, they're away from home and all the sharp things there. Best is, now you're giving them a reason to be rude at work. Who would get upset with someone being a dick at work when you know they just got a message that said they have to pack their junk and move out?

         "You're girlfriend called. Said she's not your girlfriend anymore. Also, we need new computers."

4. Getting down on one knee in front of a crowd, making it look like you're going to propose, and saying 'Will you make me the happiest man on earth, and leave me the hell alone?'
You're allowed to be at a baseball game and make everyone watch you ask your girlfriend to marry you, why not get everyone watch you break up with her? Should be allowed. What's wrong with it? She gets some camera time, your outside enjoying the air, there's a BASEBALL game. What's the big deal? Plus, I'm sure there will be some guy in the stands who sees this and thinks, 'Wow. That's girls beautiful. And she's single!' You're letting men know that this lady is back in the ocean. It's free advertising!

 "Don't laugh. I'm serious. Will you please leave me alone? I wanted to come to the game with a friend."

5. Asking their parents to let them know.
Their parents brought them into this world, raised them, hurt them emotionally in ways that only showed up with they were almost thirty. They can for sure give them the news that you don't want to see them anymore. Some people ask their girlfriends dad if they can marry them. Why not tell the dad you want to do the exact opposite? If their parents live out of town, they'll wonder why you drove five hours to their house without their child. That's when you say it's because you have dignity, and that that is how much you want out of this relationship.

"We're just giving you the info, okay? Don't take it out on us. Maybe if you didn't wear Chucks he'd treat you like a real woman. Look at me! LOOK AT ME!"

6. Yelling 'We're done!' while you drive by them.
So, you see the person you've started to hate the last couple of weeks walking down the street enjoying an ice cream. You want to break up with them, but you have somewhere to be. What's the alternative? Roll your window down, and scream 'I've had enough!' while you speed past. You've killed three birds with one stone. Ended a terrible relationship, made them drop their ice cream, and still made it to the 1:30 showing of Grown Ups 2.

             "Pack your junk! We're done! I would have texted but it's illegal to do that and drive!"

7. Calling them.
Now, for gods sake, you can't call someone? Relationships start on less! A lot start from a message on OK Cupid.
"Hey, I also like cupcakes and the second season of The Wire! Want to get frozen yogurt?"
By calling them and ending it, you're being more personal than when you asked them out in the first place! Call them and tell them you wished you'd never clicked on their profile. And if they don't answer, fell free to leave a short message telling them what's wrong with them.

"I know it's been 40 years, but I'm done... You're on your way back from the grocery store? Yeah, I won't be here. Good luck with your last 15 years."

8. Email.
An email is just a longer text that you get later and hopefully has better spelling and grammar. It can even be much longer and nicer than a text. But this one is also hated by the earth. We all get emails all day. A lot of them are from people in Nigeria asking for money, telling you your penis is too small, why not one that decides how you are going to spend the weekend? You were supposed to go to the movies with your partner? Well, an email changed that! Now you're drinking. And you didn't have to meet up and have a real conversation to find it out.

"Dear human I've been dating. I don't want to do that anymore. This email explains that. The subject line that read 'Urgent! I no longer like you!' should have as well."

9. During a Christmas Dinner.
So, you're at your partners house for Christmas. You wanted to break up with them a month ago so it wouldn't get to this, but here you are. Asking their four year old cousin whose been kicking you under the table for twenty minutes to pass the salt. They throw it at you. You've had it! So you clink your glass, stand up, and say, "Look. I didn't want to be here. I don't want to be in this relationship anymore. I'm out, and I'm taking this turkey leg with me. Also, smarten up this stupid four year old. Isn't there a children's table?" So you ruined a families Christmas. It happens. But you just made yours a bit Merrier.

"Man, I would love to drive that straw right into his nose bone. I'd like to throw that book into his sisters face, too. Why wear a hat to Christmas dinner? AND bring a book? I hate this whole family. Picturing hot gravy spilling everyone really makes me happy."

twitter @nathanmacintosh

Let's move!

I'm moving at the end of the month. I'll be putting all of my junk into a bag, and kicking it down the street to a different place. That's not exactly how it's gonna work, but I wish it was that easy. Moving is more stressful than it needs to be. I don't think anyone likes to do it.
"Okay, would you rather move, or..."
"What ever the other one is. That's what I'd rather do."
"You didn't even hear it! It could be strangling a hamster!"
"Cool. Whatever. Rather do anything other than move. Wait! Was it gonna be move or watch TMZ? Ahhh. No! I'd rather move! I'd rather move!"

Looking for places to live is not fun. For one, why do people show you apartments that people are living in? They'll walk you through an apartment that someone is living in, while they are at home living in it.
"Ah, well, here it is. That underwear won't be on the floor when you move in. Also, there won't be a man in the master bedroom crying because his girlfriend left him either. (whispers) That's why the place is up for rent. Well, what do you think? Clean up the empty whiskey bottles and broken glass from shattered picture frames and it's home sweet home, right?"

       

          "Don't mind him. He's just sad she took his shirts and mousepad. Anyway, move in Sept 1st?"

There isn't another apartment in the building that is empty that you could show? It has to be the EXACT one that I'd be living in? If I was buying a used car from you, would you show me one only when the owner is in it?
"Okay, there he is. Now, when he stops at this light, we'll jump in and you can get a test drive.... Annnn, NOW!"
(Jumps into car. Slam doors.)
"What the hell is going on?"
"Hey, you wanted me to sell your car, right? Well, I got a buyer here. Just keep driving. (Turns to potential buyer). So, as you can see, it's quite roomy. You can throw McDonald's bags on the floor here as he has if you wish, and the ashtray can hold about (dumps change from the ashtray into his hand and counts it) about six dollars and fifty cents. Any questions?"

Apartment brokers are a strange thing. You hire someone to look up apartments for you, to find exactly what you're looking for so that you don't have to worry about it. For that service, brokers charge a fee of one months rent that goes to them. I understand that, but if you look up an apartment yourself on craigslist, there should not be a fee. You found it!
"Hi. I'm calling about the piano you had for sale for 400 dollars?"
"Hey. Yes, it's four hundred dollars, plus a four hundred dollar finders fee."
"... Um, what do you mean? I found it. I didn't hire you to find it."
"But I put up the ad. You don't think I deserve four hundred dollars for that?"
"No!"
"Well, someone out there will. Good luck piano hunting."

Brokers will also try to talk you into things you don't want.
         

"Look, I know you're in the market for a suit, but what about this apartment! That funeral can wait. This beautiful space won't."

I'm sure with renting apartments years ago there was a bit of a 'I'll take your word on it' policy. Now? Absolutely not. You can't just get an apartment based on the fact that you used to pay rent at your old place. They want bank statements, pay stubs, two pieces of I.D., credit check, your whereabouts the night that a woman suspiciously disappeared,  and proof of income. There probably used to be a 'you seem like a good person' type attitude toward renting an apartment. Or at least someone could just talk to your former landlord and be comfortable knowing that you had always paid your rent. But then some jerks went and destroyed a place, didn't pay rent, and just split. So, because of them, the whole process is ridiculous.
"Okay, before I rent this place to you, I have a few questions. Do you smoke?"
"Nope."
"That's good. Do you own any pets?"
"Nope. Not one."
"Okay, great. Have you ever gotten 'the end of the week because I work very hard and you don't even appreciate what I do around here, Sarah! All you do is spend my money and bitch at me about not doing the laundry' drunk screaming match with your girlfriend, then split town without letting your landlord know and left your apartment looking like a dumpster behind Sizzler?"
"... What?"
"Hesitation, huh? Well, that can only mean one thing. Thanks for coming in."

"Why do I need seven references? Check out this room.... Yeah. So, who can I call? Do not say 'Shirley's Donuts."

Twitter @nathanmacintosh

6 Ways to Get Your Loser Self Out Of Your House.

The world really seems to likes lists. Just about all articles now have become lists. In every paper, every magazine, on every site where something can be written, you'll find lists. Most of them are about ridiculous things.

'7 ways you know you're eating a sandwich', '12 ways to get into a parking spot', '47 people you have met in the dairy aisle', '13.5 things that only happen to people with straight hair', '75 ways to approach the girl at the bar who already told you that she won't give you her number and to please leave her alone'.

Just lists. Everywhere! For some reason they also insult you at times. People who write a list that is subjective will make fun of you for not agreeing with them.

"If you don't like number 4 on my Top 21 bosses from Megaman list you are an idiot! This isn't opinion. This is fact! What are you , stupid? You don't think that Snakeman is the 4th greatest Megaman boss of all time?! Well, just blow me, bud!"

People seems to like these, so I figured I would give people a bit of what they want. I've written a list article about a ridiculous thing and insulted you throughout.

"6 ways to get your loser self out of your house."

1. Throw your computer threw a wall because that's what's keeping you inside.

Sure, you want to go outside, but you've fallen into a worm hole on YouTube. You started out listening to your favourite rapper. Then, some how, you found yourself watching 'drive-thru fight' videos. "I'll just watch one more man slam a woman’s head of the drive-thru window for not giving him his nuggets, THEN I'll go outside" you say, but four hours go by. You've watched so many, you've started to agree with all of the maniacs who dragon kick sixteen year old kids wearing headsets making four dollars an hour. Then these get boring, so some crazy way, you find yourself on 'biggest pimple' videos. How'd this happen? You were about to go outside! It's your damn computer! You can do anything on it. Watch naked people do naked things, learn a new language, or just stream that movie that you can't get to see because you won't leave your house. Solution? Throw your computer threw a wall. There you go, stupid! Pick it up, and huck it at a wall! Sure it cost a bunch of money, but's it's taking your soul! What would you do if you were in the Mortal Kombat tournament and Shang Tsung was stealing your essence? You'd uppercut him and finish him by cutting him in half? Same thing. Finish your computer!

2. Put all of the snacks you keep buying outside of your house.

You keep going to the kitchen for chips, cookies, popsicles. I don't know what you buy, dummy. That's you! Couch to fridge, couch to fridge and back again. There's no outside here! Solution? Take a cooler outside and fill it with your dirt food. Boom! Now every time you want Triple Chunk Chocolate Chip cookies and that Cheeseburger Flavoured Fanta, you actually have to take your stupid self out into a world where people can yell at you and bugs can bite you. Now look at you! The guy across the street who you've always hated just called you a piece of garbage and you're running from bees, but you're OUTSIDE! That's the whole point of this article, so... suck it!

3. Oh, you're looking for an alternative to the door? Go out the window!

Look, EVERYONE uses doors. Everybody! Even the coolest of the cool use their stupid hands to turn a doorknob and swing a piece of wood out of their way. Kanye, Jay-Z, Bill Clinton, Jason Statham. All of these hacks use doors. Laaaaaammmmmmeeee! You want to be cool, you have to stand out, and why not stand out while also getting the hell out of your house! Time to crawl out a window like a boss. Sure, it'll look at first like you're climbing out of a window like a boss who just found out that his company is going under and doesn't want to face any of his employees, but hey, what do those losers know!? You're a trend setter. Soon, ALL of the cool people will use the window.

"Door? Please. I'm somebody. Roll the window of the car down and I'll shimmy in like I'm sneaking back into my moms house when I was sixteen after a night of drinking”.

You live above the second floor? Great! Not only do you get to climb out of your window, you also get to see if a sheet makes a good parachute. Here's hoping.

4. Can't get out of your house? Get evicted!

So, you're looking for a way out of your house. You can't find a good enough reason. I mean, INside you have air conditioning, every Leprechaun on NetFlix, and your collection of bottle caps. You can't get out of the house! Well, just stop paying rent. That's right, stop paying it! You can't be in a house if you don't have one. You stop paying rent, your landlord will kick you out. Maybe he's kind of a coward so he won't do it, but he'll call the cops and they'll throw you and your junk onto the street like Uncle Phil throwing Jazzy Jeff. There you go. You've done it! Now you are living on the street! No more fighting to get outside. It's your house!

5. Set it on fire.

Do YOU like being in a house that's on fire? Unless you are Ghost Rider, probably not. Can't seem to get motivated enough to get up off the couch and hit the gym? Simply take a bill that you didn't want to pay anyway, light if off of the stove and throw it onto the recycling you've been meaning to take out. Boom! Now you have a raging inferno in your kitchen that will spread through out the house quickly if you spray some WD-40 on it. Boom! House is on fire. You have to get out or you're going to die. You did it! You're outside. Now go to the gym, and try not to think about all of your belongings being engulfed in flames. Probably for the best anyway. You had WAY too many cardigans.

6. Just get out, bud!

Yeah, just get the hell out of your house! I mean, what's stopping you? You know those things you have underneath you? Or dangling from a chair while you stare out a window wondering what happened to your cigarettes? They're called legs! They are used to move from place to place. Just stand on em, and kick them out in front of each other. That's it! Put some shoes on them as well if you plan on going into any establishment at all. You don't have legs that work? Well, you probably have crutches, or a cane, or a wheelchair that does. You have stairs and no one is around to help you down? Just throw yourself down them and crawl for the door! Man, do I have to figure out everything for you?

Twitter @nathanmacintosh

ADD. Focus. Where?!

I've had ADD for a long time. My whole life? That makes sense. I don't know if you can get adult onset ADD. Some people say they have ADD because they can't stop looking at their phones. That's not ADD. In the eighties when kids had ADD, they weren't just standing in the kitchen looking at a phone hanging on a wall.

"Chris! I'm talking to you! Why do you keep looking at the phone?"

"Huh? What? Oh, I don't know. What were you saying?"

"I was saying that you have to clean your roo... stop looking at the damn phone! It's not ringing!"

"I think it just beeped! Oh, that was my Krang action figure. Wait! It just rang! I told you!"

ADD does not mean your just look at electronics. It means your brain is wired different than most people.

I wasn't diagnosed with it as a kid because I was quiet. Actually, I wasn't diagnosed with it because my brother and I are close in age, and when he came around, he was given the attention for it. Did I have it? It's a little bit harder to spot in me. Did HE have it? No damn question. None at all. The man was always jumping around, yelling about something, talking nonsense. In his own words, he has 'Super Saiyan' ADD. Regular Goku gets less attention than Super Saiyan Goku.

"What's Goku doing?"

"He's just sitting there, staring off into space. Nothing big."

"Whoa! Now he's turning into a giant ape and he's talking about video games!"

"Oh no! Now this, I will pay attention to."

So, I wasn't diagnosed as a kid, and went to school where I'm sure teachers figured I had it. I was always told in school that I talked too much. 'Nathan is smart, but he talks to much'. 

Teachers HATE talking. Students talking and asking questions is most teachers kryptonite.

"Okay, class, today we're going to learn quadratic functions."

"What will we need those for?"

"Ah... just do them..."

"But, I'm just wondering when I will need to use them as an adult?"

"...Ugh... losing power... can't... contain an air of control while... being questioned... Get out... before I lose all... motor skills.... GET OUT!"

I was kicked out of class all the time, and because of that, suspended a lot. Suspensions led to an expulsion. I went back the next year and was on the honour roll, but still. I was expelled. Since I wasn't a kid who couldn't just sit and do the work they were told to do without asking questions about it, I was punished. Because my brain does not allow me to learn the way that 90% of the world does, I'm a problem? I'm expelled the same way that people who fight are? I'm on THAT level?

"You punched a woman in the face for her FUBU jacket. You're expelled. And Nathan, you asked your chemistry teacher while you'll need to know about moles? ... Wow! You asked a TEACHER a question Get the hell out right now."

During high school, I was really bored in class. I could talk and write tests at the same time, so I would. Teachers would tell me I was disrupting others, and I'm sure I was, but what  was I supposed to do? I'm smart and have ADD, and we're writing a test about Canadian history. You gave me a full hour! I'm gonna focus on a high school test about birch bark canoes as if I'm trying to disarm a bomb that only has a minute left on the timer?

"Nathan. Here's a test you could have passed when you were twelve. Give it your undivided attention."

"Okay. I need gloves, a pair of scissors, and thirty five seconds alone. Don't worry. I'm gonna get an eighty five percent on this thing."

ADD also plays apart in what I do. The way my brain works, I'm not a fan of joke jokes.  It's not that I don't 'like' like jokes, (does that make sense?) they just irritate me. Monologue jokes on late night shows is a good example. Not that they are doing anything wrong. It's not the jokes fault or the person delivering it, it's my brain. My brain just sees it and says,

"I get it. This happened, then that happened. This is too linear. God, I'm annoyed at this. I'm bored out of my damn mind. How are people enjoying this? Doesn't anyone else want to yell, 'What's with all the huge pauses? Why are you taking these extended vacations between set ups? Talk for god sake! Would a real human being say, "Hey, I went to the store the other day, and something weird happened............ it was this." Just say the damn thing! Say it! I'm beyond frustrated right now."

These are the thoughts that go through my brain. Again, not anyones fault, and I don't think there's anything wrong with this style of joke telling or the people that do it, it's just how my mind works. For me, I have to go off track, I make things up on stage, I jump around between topics. It's what works for me.

Stand up sometimes has to be somewhat linear. Doing jokes on TV, or showcasing for festivals, they want to know exactly what you are going to say. This used to be a problem for me. I can't stand the a to b of things. When I first started showcasing, I would just eat it. Maybe not all the time, but to me it felt that way. I was always told to do old jokes on festivals and TV. Do old jokes that I know work. I can't do that! I figured out what works for me. If I have to do eight minutes for TV or a showcase, I will do one or two new things with some other stuff I've been doing for a bit. Anytime I've done something on TV, I will do something pretty new to comedians standards. Like one or two months old. If I don't, everything I say will sound dry and awful. I'll look like I'm bored.

"Nathan! You just performed on TV but you looked like you were cycling through NetFlix. What movie do you think you'll pick?"
"Man, I'm not sure. Right now it's between Fast Five and VHS. Suggestions?"

ADD makes it so hard for me to stay excited about things for a long time. I get crazy addicted to things and then I'm done with them. Songs, shows, games. Even clothes. I went through a faze where I was in love with polos for some reason. I had about nine all in different colours. Then one day, boom. Didn't like them anymore. Haven't worn one since.

"Hey, do you have a problem with polo shirts? I don't see you guys together anymore."

"... I don't want to talk about it."

"You guys used to be so close, though. Did something happen?"

"I said I don't want to talk about it, okay? Wait... why do you ask? Did polos ask about me?"

I do that with projects, jokes, everything. It's very hard for me to stay excited about things long term. I have to trick myself into staying excited.

It works against me in some social situations as well. I can be in a group of people and feel that I'm not apart of it. My mind doesn't stop enough sometimes to focus on what's going on in front of me. I feel alone in some social situations. I'm not great at them all the time. I'm trying to focus on people and talk, but my mind is jumping all over the place. 

It's even hard for me to write these. I could have these done in an hour if it wasn't for ADD. I sit here changing songs, checking Twitter, going to the kitchen, coming back, going back to the kitchen for no real reason, watching a video of a guy beat a level in a video game, read some news, come back to the blog, just completely zone out and think about life, go back to the kitchen for one pretzel, check phone, decide that 'Badlands' by Bruce Springsteen will be played ten times in a row, back to blog. And now, I believe I'm done. Pretzel.

Twitter @Nathanmacintosh

Commercials are still here.

This is about commercials. Am I joking? Is it actually about something else and I told you it was a hard-hitting exposé on commercials to get you tuned in? Nope. It's about commercials. We all have to deal with these, as they are everywhere. You can't avoid them. Only place you can look to not see a commercial is in the sky, and I'm sure one day they'll have them playing up there like the Bat-Signal.

"Commissioner Gordon! You're trying to get ahold of Batman?"

"No. I'm showing Gotham how they can save money on their car insurance by switching to Geico."

During the Super Bowl, there were commercials that were about two minutes long. Over two minutes long. Over? There's no reason for a commercial to be this long. Why do we have to make commercials that are on their way to being as long as sitcoms? There's no reason for this. When would a commercial ever need to be this long?

"You know, I have no problem buying Coca Cola, I just wouldn't mind knowing a little bit more about it."

"Yeah, right? Like, who are the people who drink it? What do they do in their spare time? WHERE am I supposed to drink this? Concerts? Watching TV? At the beach?"

"Yeah. If only the commercials for it would let me know. Ah, screw it. I'm not buying it."

Commercials should never be over thirty seconds. There's just no reason for it. Movie trailers are longer than thirty seconds because they are trying to get us to go see something that is over an hour and a half long. Is this commercial a trailer for this product? Are we supposed to treat it like a movie release?

"What do you do when they're surrounding you? Who do you turn to when there's no one else to turn to? Who do you trust, when you can't trust anyone? Is this real? Are you real? Are they listening? Who are they? More importantly, who are you? ...This summer – Tide To Go Pens. Trust no stains."

"Honey! Tide To Go Pens are coming out this summer! You want to go wait in line now?"

For some reason, instead of commercials simply selling a product, they decided to tell us a story. A lot of the stories that are put into commercials now have almost nothing related to the product at all.

"It was winter, 1987. Jim had just poured himself a hot chocolate while waiting for his friends to come over. You're just like, Jim. You like hot chocolate, and you like friends. They finally arrived and watched A Fish Called Wanda. What a night it was. It was the first night that Jim met Sarah, but definitely not the last. Where did Jim's story end up? Let's just say, there's a little hot chocolate drinker running around somewhere now... Fritos. Grab a bag and fall in love."

Why must a lot of commercials be so elusive? Long stories that have short, grainy glimpses of what the product actually is. So you have to sit and decipher what is being said. Five minutes of skateboarding and you might think, "Huh. A commercial for skateboarding. Well, it's kinda dangerous, and I'm in my mid thirties, but I can give it a shot," only to find out that the commercial was actually for something that was faded out in the background.

"What? This commercial for skateboarding is actually about Post-it Notes? Why is there a commercial for Post-it Notes? We know that they're out there! And how are skateboarding and Post-it Notes connected?

Old Spice commercials have been copied almost completely by just about every company and directed towards men. Gillette, Hanes, Dr. Pepper. Commercials trying hilariously to play to our man side.

"You're a man, within a man, who's trying to break out of a man's body. Is that too much man? Of course not! How can there possibly be too much man? Women want a man who's also a man while being a man's man. Men love men who become men at the sight of a full men-oon while drinking Man-garitas. You've men-volved into a co-men-dable man who mans it up even on Mother's Day, which you have renamed 'Woman Who Had A Man Day'. Mountain Dew. Drink a man!"

Just about every commercial tries to be funny. Even commercials for scooters for the elderly have a tinge of humor in them.

"Are you old? Can't walk? How about drive! Attach this baby to the wall and float up your stairs like a ghost before you die and actually do it on the new 'Scoot-Scoot-Scooter'! This product is endorsed by Phil Collins."

The only commercials that are not trying to be funny are commercials that are telling you that starving people in Africa need money. Don't they know that humor sells?

"He's starving. Like starving-starving. Not like 'Hey, I've been drinking all night and could really use a pizza' starving, like 'Hey, I haven't drank in weeks and I don't know what a pizza is' starving. While you were busy trying to beat your high score on Angry Birds, he was busy mustering up enough energy to make it through another day. Send him a dollar, you idiot. What are you going to do with it? Buy another girl who doesn't want to have sex with you a drink? Feed a kid. Suck it."

When watching TV, commercials can be skipped if you have certain televisions. You can fast forward through them. It's pretty great if you really don't feel like seeing that Cheez Whiz commercial.

"All right, time to fast forward through this."

"Don't skip that! What if they've added something new? Like Chipotle Cheez Whiz? Or Pop Rock Ranch Whiz?"

"...Would you really eat either one of those?"

"...You're right."

Online, though, some commercials cannot be skipped. Watching a video on YouTube? Some will allow you to skip after a few seconds. Some, though, you just have to deal with. A minute and a half of a Honda commercial to get to a thirty-second video.

"How can a car commercial be longer than a video of a man being hit by a car? Oh. That's how."

A lot of car commercials boggle me as it is. Ford has commercials that show you if you wanted to drive a truck up Fire Mountain, you could. 

Why? Why in the hell would anyone drive up a mountain while having fire shot at him or her?

"I'm not sure why the only store in town that sells Ben and Jerry's Cherry Garcia is atop Mount Flame, but I do love that damn ice cream. Glad I have a Ford and not some other car that was not built to withstand ridiculously high temperatures for no reason."

Car commercials also like to show you where the car can go. Just shots of the car in places around town and the world, as if certain cars can only drive to certain places.

"Whoa! Look at the new Hyundai Sonata! It can drive downtown, to the beach, to the mall. It can even fit my friends inside of it! Wait, that's the end of the commercial? It didn't show it at the Knicks' game. I have tickets this weekend! Close but no cigar, Sonata. I'm a Knicks fan."

Twitter@nathanmacintosh

Why do opinions/thoughts/words hurt so much?

Right now on this planet, everyones opinions are easily heard, and we seem to be the most sensitive we've ever been about bad opinions. We have the most technology we've ever had to hear everyone's opinions, and when someone says something we don't like, which is bound to happen, we jump on it. Most of the opinions we don't like come from people who would clearly have them, but we get upset regardless. With all of this technology, why do we think that every opinion we hear would work with us? Do we actually expect all opinions to be good? Nice? Or to follow what our beliefs are?

"Now that I am able to hear easily what everyone is thinking, I'm sure it will be a peaceful experience that follows my belief system. Whoa! What the hell is this? This guy doesn't like pro-wrestling? Is he a complete piece of trash!? I cannot believe how angry I am!"

Opinions have a ridiculous effect on people. Huge. Critics who said they didn't like The Dark Knight Rises had death threats sent their way. Death threats! For saying that a movie wasn't very good – death threats! I didn't like it. Send me a death threat. Bane's story was completely stolen from him, Catwoman didn't have a story, and Robin's first name is not Robin! It's an alias. Bruce Wayne's full name is not 'Batman Bruce Wayne'.

"Oh, hey Bruce. You should go by your first name, Batman."

"You're right. I should. Could you shut up about that for right now, though? Just give me my prescription and I'll leave."

These critics, whose job it is to critique, can't have an opinion on a movie they are supposed to critique? What is wrong with the planet? 

Every opinion has to align with how you feel?

"But... but... I LOVED this movie. How can this be? Someone who doesn't live inside my body, has lived a different life and has different feelings towards things, how can they not feel the same way I do about such a film? I... I just don't... get it. He should die!"

One topic that has come up a lot in the last few years is women being funny. First of all, just to say, I find PEOPLE funny. I find some PEOPLE not funny. Men and women. My thought is, why can't someone think that women aren't funny? Adam Carolla said that women aren't funny and people lost their minds.

"Women are funny! There are lists right here! Look! This is a list of funny females! Are you stupid? Can you not read? LOOK AT THE LIST!"

So this man doesn't find women funny. Why do people care what he thinks? Why! And why is he not allowed to have an opinion? Does everyone have to find women funny? Magically, some men just don't like women. Probably men who would partake in something called "The Man Show", where the end credits ran while women in bikinis jumped on a trampoline, and there were segments where a man wore a suit that shot beer out of a penis onto women. Everyone on that kind of show thinks women are equal and therefore could be funny? Really? Do you think every man in the KKK finds Eddie Griffin hilarious?

"I don't care what nobody says, Eddie Griffin is just not funny. I've given him a chance, the old cyclops chance, but I just don't like him. Why? No, it is not because I don't believe black people are equal to me. It's because I just don't think he has actual jokes, and he relies too much on act outs... Naw, I'm kidding! It's cause he's black!"

I wasn't an Adam Carolla fan before he said this, and I'm not after, but I think he's allowed to have an opinion.

Daniel Tosh came under fire for joking about rape. A woman yelled to joke about rape, another woman said, "No, rape is never funny." Tosh said, "Wouldn't it be funny if five guys came in right now and raped her?" Now, when you read that, it is crazy harsh. It's weird to type. In the moment in the comedy club, it is different. Obviously for the woman who was offended, it was not and she left the room, which she is entitled to do. I believe, though, that a high percentage of comedians would have said something completely similar. It's not a joke about rape, it is an offhand comment made about a huge issue to try to get laughs and straighten out what has just been said. Funny? That is an individual thing. Should he be allowed to joke about it? Yes. Should the whole world blow up at a man because, in his opinion, making that joke is all right? I think it's a bit much. People lost it.

"He should lose his show! He should be broke! He shouldn't have fans!"

People were angrier with him joking about rape than they get about actual rapists. That seems to be a bit of a problem. An actual rapist who rapes could get six years. Joke about rape, lose your show. Rape someone and potentially destroy his or her entire life, get six years in jail where you can go to school for free and then be let back into society. JOKE about rape and you might lose your show, fan base, and the world hates you. Does this make sense to anyone?

There are cases of rape all the time. It is disgusting. Why, though, if we are going to completely tear a man apart for joking about it, are we not continuously screaming about the actual offenders? It should be a trending topic everyday.

"Yep, rape is still trending. We should really figure this out. I mean, why are all of these happening? Wait! What is this? A comedian who tells jokes at a comedy club, which is a club designed for jokes and comedy about any topic on the planet, jokes about rape at a comedy club that is designed for jokes by people performing the comedic arts in the exact place they are supposed to be jokes about rape?! I couldn't be any angrier with this! This man has just raped my brain with his complete lack of decency! How could he?!"

The man in North Carolina who said that gay men should be put inside a fence until they die. He uttered this completely ridiculous opinion to the world. Was that a shock to anyone? A religious nut from the south doesn't like gay people?

"Wait just a minute! I know he doesn't think women are equals, or that sex before marriage means you're going to hell, or that masturbating is a sin and you'll burn in hell for all eternity for saying the Lord's name in vein. All of that I'm fine with. But this completely level-headed man thinks gay people should live in a cage!? Well, this is just shocking! I am taken aback, flabbergasted, and any of the other verbs to describe this feeling of breathlessness. Yes! I'm also breathless!"

It's the job of a lunatic southern preacher to hate. It's on the application!

"Do I swear that I will be intolerant, ignorant, and offensive with my thoughts to people outside of my church? I'm checking yes twice!"

Being mad at a ludicrous southern preacher for being ignorant is the same as being mad at Ray Allen for shooting threes.

"What the hell is he doing? Hitting threes like that?! Come on! No! Kick the ball, Ray! KICK IT!"

People have also lost their minds over the opinions of the President of Chik-fil-A. Does it matter what the president of a fast food company says? Seriously. A fast food company! He's not in power. He doesn't sit in UN meetings making decisions. He sells gross chicken to sad people. Does a man who has had to fire someone because they didn't wear a hairnet really have enough power to stir world issues?

"Sir, you put chicken on a bun and sell it to people in sweatpants. What are your thoughts on Syria?"

"Syria? Well, I think it's a horrible disease."

"Whoa! This Chik-fil-A chicken-biscuit-selling-man doesn't know that Syria is a place! How do you even work the fryers here, stupid? What is your problem? And why do I ask you such questions anyway?"

We're taking what he says seriously?

"I think we are inviting God's judgment on our nation when we shake our fist at Him and say 'We know better than you as to what constitutes a marriage and I pray God's mercy on our generation that has such a prideful, arrogant attitude to think that we have the audacity to redefine what marriage is about'."

This is one of the things he said. First of all, once you bring God into an argument, everything you say after that should be considered null and void. Personally, I love listening to someone's views when they start it with: 'This is how God feels'. What's funny is, if he had used any other fictional character, let's say a dragon, people would just think he's crazy.

"I think we are inviting The Dragon's judgment on our nation when we shake our fist at said Dragon and say, 'We know better than you, Dragon, as to what constitutes marriage, and I pray the Dragon's mercy on our generation that has such a prideful, arrogant, and non-dragoness attitude to think that we have the audacity to redefine the thoughts of marriage the Dragon has given us'."

The president of the company also donates lots of money to anti-gay groups. Groups that try to perpetuate lies that being gay makes people pedophiles and things like that. This is awful, but again, this could only work with far-gone religious people. You couldn't put up a sign in Times Square and have regular people who want good for the world believe it.

"That was a great trip into the M&M store! I can't believe they have the yellow one in a disco suit. Oh, man. That is great. Time to hit th.... whoa! What is this! A flyer. Hmm, pretty official already. And it says that gay people are learning how to grow wings out of their backs and steal kids! My dear sweet ice tea! Until this 'government issue yellow piece of loose leaf taped to a light post with words written on it in marker' flyer, I had no idea the gays were up to this. Now? My eyes are open! Thanks for handwriting this message of truth, hero!"

Also, and this is just a random thought, but do gay people even want to eat at Chik-fil-A? I mean as a whole? It seems like the perfect place for overweight religious nuts. They don't seem to be going to the opera. Is that a place that the gay community would like to call its own?

"Okay, we have theatres, stage shows, night life, fun times, reading, good music and dressing well in our repertoire, but I feel we are missing something."

"What about greasy chicken in a bun, really gross fries to go with it, and also an atmosphere that you would never want to hang out in for more than five minutes due to the fact that it could bring you down for three straight months?"

"Are you talking Chik-fil-A!? I was going to bring that up myself! Then it's settled. Chik-fil-A is in. Tonight on my way to the opera, I'm getting a chicken sandwich. I'll feel terrible in my seat for three hours while watching art. Bravo, meeting!"

Am I wrong to say that gay people and religious nuts seem to need each other like Batman needs Joker? The two seem to work off of each other. Religious nuts need the gay population to be able to push the views of a ridiculous/scary book. Gay people seem propelled by religious nuts telling them they are wrong to become stronger. Without each other, both parties seem to have nothing to fight for.

"Today, we're gay and we want respect-ay!"

"...You have it. Religious nuts decided that their God was wrong and that people should be able to do whatever it is that they want."

"...Oh. Um, okay. Well, can we still defiantly march down this street naked blaring music? I mean, we're already here."

"Of course! Go for it! Turn it up as loud as you want and get as naked as you can!"

"...Hmph. Guys, I don't know about you, but I just don't feel like fighting now that we don't have to."

"Yeah, me neither. So... do we just return the floats?"

"I'm just going home. I... I'm just speechless."

Any group that is going to fight needs someone to fight against. The gay pride parades are amazing things to see. People strongly showcasing themselves to the world with fervor. Why is that? Because there are people on this planet who don't think they should be allowed. So what do they do? Stick it to them! And it's great! Ever see a Shriners parade? Is it an over-the-top thrill ride? No. It's awful. Why? Because nobody hates the Shriners, so they are not putting on a parade in spite of anyone.

"I just don't agree with their lifestyle. Strange purple hats with tassels. Old as hell. Driving carts. I mean, they just rub me the wrong way! Do they have to do their Shrinery garbage in public? Down with creepy old men in polyester asking for change! DOWN WITH THEM!"

There was a point in time where you could have an opinion and it didn't matter if it went with everyone else's. In the old days, if you had an opinion that the general population didn't agree with, you wandered the earth alone until you died, or lived in the woods next to a riverbank. You weren't put on the front page of a newspaper.

"Extra, extra, read all about it. Man says he believes all children aged six and up should be forced to get full time jobs!"

"Well, I never! That is disgusting! Instead of ignoring this lunacy, I will spend hours reading about it, working myself into a frenzy with friends, and basically putting my life on a standstill."

Words can hurt, but with words so accessible, we should try not to let them hurt as much as they do.

Twitter @nathanmacintosh