Hipsters.

People seem to really despise hipsters. People hate them. People who aren't hipsters, that is. Hipsters seem to hate hipsters even more!

"Damn, dirty hipsters and their dress shoes from the twenties. God, I hate them. Hey, can you pass me my old camera that looks like I found it at the bottom of the ocean? Thanks."

Hipsters love vintage this, vintage that.

"I don't want NEW clothes. Are you insane? A cute little old man might not have died in my oversized cardigan if it were NEW? Wow."

Hipsters, though, are the FIRST people in line for new iPhones.

"My God, I can't wait to get the new iPhone!"

"Neither can I! Hey, have you seen the new Mission: Impossible?"

"Ugh, no! New movies have too much CGI. They haven't made a good movie since the sixties. As soon as I get this phone I'm going to tweet about what an idiot you are for watching new movies. Right after I download an app to see where I can still get old Beatles records."

Most hipsters don't seem to be comfortable. Most seem on edge. They're waiting to yell at someone. Most hipsters don't have a look on their face that says, "I'm comfortable with what I'm wearing." Most hipsters have a look of, "I dare you to ask about this ripped t-shirt with a random black guys face on it. Do it! I'm ready to explode!"

"Hey, I really like your glasses."

"Oh, yeah? You do? THEY'RE FAKE, ALL RIGHT? Are you happy now?! Why can't I just wear what I want? Why can't I be my own person?"

"...I just said I liked them."

"YOU'VE SAID ENOUGH!"

It seems that a lot of people dress like hipsters just because they don't know what else to do. Remember the guys in 2003 who wore FUBU jerseys who really didn't look like they should be wearing them because they didn't know what else to wear? If you knew me in 2003, you do.

"Nathan, you gonna get that large FUBU jersey, cuz?"

"Large! What am I? A girl? Extra large! Let's make this happen, awkwardness!"

Hipster fashion has taken over. If you're not dressing like a hipster right now, there are not too many other choices. You've got the small town guy who wears Affliction t-shirts and Fox Racing jackets.

"Get yer dam CCM twig outta my face, Darryl, before I have ta drive my Ford F150 to yer mom’s and just give er."

You can wear a suit all the time. 

"Get your damn CCM hockey stick out of my face, Darryl, before I have to take the bus to your mom’s and love her."

Just about everyone is dressing like a hipster. Even rappers now are dressing like hipsters! A few years ago, there was no way rappers would have worn tight things. There are no more 'rapper'-looking rappers.

"Whoa, that guy’s a rapper? He looks like he should be skipping an eighth grade math class."

"You're dressed exactly like him."

"What! How did this happen?!"

It's funny when certain types of people come around to "be different". Goths, emos, hipsters. When everyone tries to be different, everyone ends up being the same.

"I'm not like everyone else! Their wool hats are orange. Mine is blue! Clear difference."

Who isn't a hipster right now? You can't throw Kings of Leon's first CD without hitting a hipster on a bike made during the era of the Titanic.

"Ow! Oh, nice! This was before they became mainstream. God, what is this – a compact disc? It's vinyl or nothing with me. Can you throw a cassette of this at me at least?"

A lot of hipsters don't like mainstream music, movies or culture. And that's fine, but there is no reason to act as if you are better than people when they don't know what you are talking about.

"Have you heard of The Hamster Carts?"

"No, I haven't. What kind of mus..."

"Of course you haven't! They only put out one song then destroyed their instruments."

"...then why did you ask me i..."

"I've turned my suspenders towards you, sir! Good day!"

Hipster neighborhoods are INSANELY gross. It's not hip to clean your surroundings? All of their neighborhoods look like the decks of pirate ships in the fourteenth century.

"Do any garbage men come through this part of town? If that pile of trash gets any bigger, you could put nine rooms in it. Oh, wait. There's one."

"He's not a garbage man. He's my friend, Wolf. He likes to dress like a city worker."

Hipster bars in these neighborhoods seem to not want you in them.

"Can I get a rum and Coke?"

"Yeah, I guess. It's coming in a mason jar."

"Cool. Sometimes I like to act as if I'm on a plantation in the twenties. Is there anywhere to sit?"

"Ugh, we don't have chairs. Everyone sits down. Stand outside."

Hipsters themselves sometimes don't really keep themselves any different than their neighborhoods. Hipster girls’ hands and feet are dirty as truck drivers. It's like they've been moving rocks down at the quarry all day, barefoot. 

Every hipster girl has a bird foot as well. A tattoo of a bird on their foot. Bird foot! BIRD FOOT! How did you all decide to get the exact same tattoo, in the exact same place?

"Hey, hey. We're all gonna dress and talk the same way anyway. Why don’t we all get bird feet? It'll be hilarious!"

"Then we will at least be less awkward with each other!"

"Slow down, all right! One thing at a time. Ow! How did we bump heads? You're way over there!"

There's no way that hipster girls are trying to have sex with anyone. Doesn't make any sense. Hipster girls act like every eight-year-old boy from the nineties.

"I love Super Nintendo! Fresh Prince of Bel-Air was a little over the top at points, but I love it! I couldn't be any more awkward if I had been raised underground!"

The only guy that could be attracted to a girl who acts the way he did in grade eight, is a pedophile.

"Hmm. You act and kinda look like the little boys that I'm into, but you're legal? My lucky day!"

Not everyone is good. This is fact.

People always say, "Find the good in everyone." Sounds amazing! Sounds as if there is good in everyone to find! But in reality, there just isn't. Period. Still, though, "Find the good in everyone!" People who say that should be karate-kicked.

"Oh, god! You... knocked the.... wind out of.... me. But... you're probably a... good guy."

It started in school. Teachers would say that to students when a bully would push them around.

"Look, he just likes lunch money and punching you in the face. But if somehow you can look beyond your bloody nose and see through those black eyes, maybe you'll find that he actually has some good in him."

Find the good in him?! Well, where to start!? He has some good punches in him. I'm not a boxing coach, I don't care about that!

"Hey, look, bully. If you drop your shoulder you could knock me out in half the time."

"Shut up, loser!"

"You're right. Who am I? Please, though, not my face. I have a crush on Jessica and we walk home toge... I wish I wouldn't have said that."

Parents, guidance counselors, Oprah. Everyone says "find the good in everyone". In everyone? Why do I have to listen to some racist idiot rant for an hour about how terrible black people are, only to find out that he is good at the spoons?

"Man, I didn't agree with his views on black people, but the spoons?! Geez, he plays the hell out of those! I've never teared up over cutlery before, but wow! I'll never eat cereal the same way again."

When people say, "Find the good in everyone," it sounds as though even when someone rubs you the wrong way, you are supposed to stand there and go,

"All right. This person has spit on me while talking, they stand too close, and they smell awful, but god. I'm sure they'll stop talking about Jersey Shore and say something interesting any day now."

What I should say is that not everyone is good for you. Everyone is good for someone. People even liked Jeffery Dahmer. They wouldn't tell you now, but they did. "Ol’ J.D. Dahmer Dog? Nope, never trusted him." Even that racist, spoon-playing man would have friends. But they are other racists.

"Hey, do you think tonight at the rally you could play the spoons? Of course, after we burn their church. If I hear even one spoon before that, I'll snap!"

It's supposed to be taken as, "We are all the same." Yes, this is true. We are all the same. We all want to be happy, have friends, and enjoy what we do with our lives. The thing is, though, some people don't do anything good to get those things. Some people will stab GOOD PEOPLE in the back to get those things. So what is to be said then?

"Man, you lied to my girlfriend so that you could get with her. Wow. How could you do that?! I suppose, though, we are the same. Well, I'm single now and you have my girl, but other than that we are the same. I see the good in you. God, I'm sad. And you're not. But you have the ability to get sad, so you're good."

People say "find the good in everyone" because they are scared to not like people. That's all that it is. We have been taught now that you shouldn't not like people. Just ridiculous. Ellen has almost made it so that saying, "I really don't like that person," is a federal crime.

"Man, I don't like that guy."

"PUT YOUR HANDS UP! UP! LAY FACE DOWN ON THE GROUND!"

"What did I do?"

"You don't know, perp? You broke one of the Ellen laws, everyone must be liked! Now make love to that sidewalk, dis-liker! MAKE LOVE TO IT!"

I like just about everyone. I love meeting new people. I do not, though, like everyone. There are some people I don't want to talk to, don't want to hang out with, and I'm sure there are some who feel that way about me. I don't base my feelings towards anyone on the first few minutes of meeting them, but I will say, ANYONE who tells me they read Perez Hilton? There's no time for these people to me. You've made it impossible to find the good.

"Okay, Mr. Macintosh, you were in a really nasty accident. Your arm was broken in three places, but we'll have it set in a minute."

"Ugh... thanks."

"No problem, it's my job. Just like it's Perez Hilton’s job to make fun of talented people. He kills me! You ever check out his website? ...Wait, you can't just leave! We haven't finished!"

"I'll fix my own arm! Goodbye, Dr. Like-a-Hilton!"

"Wait, you can't! Your arm is... ya know, that really isn't a clever name. "Doctor Like-a-Hilton? Perez could do better than that."

"AAHAHHAHAGHGH!"

Also, there's not enough time to find the good in everyone! Does anyone who says that know how long that would take? To find the good in everyone all the time?

"Excuse me. You just walked through a door I was holding open and didn't say thank you."

"Huh?"

"Yeah, so I'm wondering if we can go to lunch so I can try to see some good in you?"

"Go to hell!"

"Okay, now we're looking at dinner too. We'll start tonight?"

The good in some people is when they walk away. Girls at clubs are good at understanding this.

"Hey, I'm a little drunk right now and don't know what to say to you, but I'm a good person and would like to talk to you."

"What? You'd like to talk to me? What's that code for? Cut my head off and put it in a duffel bag?! GET AWAY FROM ME CREEP!... Huh, he walks away fast. That's good."

Credit cards.

Credit cards. I have one, you have one, I'm sure even credit cards have credit cards.

"How would you like to pay?"

"I am payment!"

"Sorry, sir, I'll need something that isn't your person."

These days, to not have a credit card is to live in the woods. I'm sure you can't even live there without one!

"Yep, I sleep in a tree and hunt for my food. But the river won't allow me to fish unless I give them my card number. I don't know who programmed this river, but I'm not going against it."

Credit cards have made it so that you can't buy anything with cash anymore. Not at all! People used to be able to buy things with cash. Credit card companies, though, have made it so you NEED them to do anything. You want an apartment? You need credit. You want a car? You need credit.

"But I have money!"

"Well, is that money invisible?"

"No, of course not. It's right here!"

"Ah, see. That's the problem. It has to be invisible. Sorry, sir! You can sleep on your actual money in the street, though."

Credit card companies do not care about people at all. Credit cards are given out to poor people in poor grocery stores. How could companies be so heartless!?

"Do you want a credit card?"

"Credit card?! My cart is full of Mr. Noodles! What the hell am I gonna do with a credit card? I'm in twenty thousand dollars worth of debt!"

"...If you sign up for one, I'll give you some cookies?"

"Whoa, whoa, whoa – cookies! Chocolate chunk?! What debt? I'm in!"

Every time I see one of those guys standing behind a little podium saying, "Want to sign up for a credit card? Right now! You don't even need credit. None! No credit!", I want to karate kick him in the head. You don't have any money either?! What the hell are we doing here?

"Sign up for something that messed up your whole life! But this one doesn't care that your whole life is messed up!"

These guys are at the airport, too! Who in the world needs to sign up for a credit card while catching a connecting flight to Cleveland?

"Sir! Would you like to sign up for a credit card?"

"Well, I obviously already have one. You can't book a flight without it. If I didn't have one I wouldn't be in this terminal with you. And I have to catch a flight in half an hour or I'll be stuck in this airport for six hours, have to use the credit card I already have to book another flight, which will cost a ton because they know I'm screwed – but why not! I don't have all of those holders in my wallet full yet!"

Credit card commercials are amazing as well. They could just say, "Hey, if you don't have one of our cards or someone else’s cards, you won't be able to even leave your house!" Nope, they don't do that. They try to have funny commercials. FUNNY COMMERCIALS. For CREDIT CARDS!

"Hey, what's that?"

"Oh, that? It's a space shuttle I bought on this Pay Now, Cry Later credit card."

"Space shuttle? Are you qualified to fly that thing?"

"No, but the hot Russian space lady that came with it is!"

"Я унес бы Вас обоих, но я только имею один рот."

"Pay Now, Cry Later credit cards. Why cry now and pay later?"

They'll give a credit card to someone who is eighteen who doesn't even have a job, or someone in their twenties or thirties who has had one before and still owes money. But if you never have had one, and paid cash for everything in your life, when you’re forty you can't get one! They won't give you one when you can pay it off!

"I'm sorry, sir, you don't have any credit."

"I know. That's what I'm trying to get the card for."

"Ah, I see. Well, is there a way you could prove you’re bad with money? Could we contact a friend with whom you still owe something to?"

"No. I've been good with all of my bills and everything. Doesn't that make me eligible?"

"...What? Sorry, I stopped paying attention when you said you've been good with your bills. Want to take a mint and get out?"

Credit card companies get other people to collect for them as well. They don't even call you themselves! They get other people who are in debt to call people who are in debt to collect. 

"Thanks for coming in for the interview today. How much debt are you in?"

"Me? Jesus, lots."

"Perfect! Then you'll be fine working for thirteen dollars an hour and working fifty hours a week! Start with this list."

"This one has me on it!"

"Yes, it does. Call yourself and talk yourself into paying us back. If you work sixty hours a week and disconnect from your family, we'll cut your debt by ten percent."

"Sweet! When do I start?"

"Right now. Work until Thursday."

That would be the worst job on the planet. Only thing worse would be ditch digging on the side.

"Which job do you have today?"

"In the morning I have to call people and try to dig money out of them. In the afternoon I have to stand beside a highway and dig a hole in the earth."

"...I envy nothing about you."

Can credit card companies just say what they are? Can't they? Credit card companies are the same as loan sharks. The only difference is you never meet anyone who actually works at the credit card company. You don't have to talk to anyone there to get money. You have to meet a loan shark to get money from him.

"Hello, I'd like to borrow five thousand dollars."

"No problem. Here it is. I need you to return it in two weeks, with an extra three thousand for me being so generous. Also, if you don't return the money plus interest, I'll kill your entire family."

"...Okay...nice to meet you."

"You, too! Have a good day and tell your friends! 

Why must they charge you so much? I have a credit card that has a nineteen percent interest rate. Nineteen percent! I know you guys need to make money, but nineteen percent interest? We both need each other. I need you or I won't be able to buy a couch ever in my life, and you need people like me or you will not have enough money to still be able to buy couches, light them on fire and throw them at poor people.

"There's another poor person!"

"Nice! Throw the La-Z-Boy! Wait, put it on the street so he can sit in it, and when he brings the foot rest up, then we'll set it on fire!"

"You know, we could just raise their interest rates to twenty one percent. We don't necessarily need to light them on.."

"YOU'RE FIRED!"

Credit cards are so serious that you can go to jail for lying to get a credit card. Jail! If you lied to get a Blockbuster card when it was around, nothing happened. You just rented "Sudden Death" that night.

"They asked me if I owed any money. I told ‘em no! Hello, Jean Claude Van Damme!"

You lie on a credit card application? You could end up beside a guy who boiled a kid in an old fridge.

"What are you in for?"

"Ah man, I fibbed on a credit card application. You?"

"Same! Except I kidnapped a seven-year-old, put him in an old fridge I found on the side of the road, and poured hot caramel on him until he was a kid caramel kid apple."

"...I don't think I should be here with you."

"You! I shouldn't be anywhere. I'm crazy!"