Hipsters.

People seem to really despise hipsters. People hate them. People who aren't hipsters, that is. Hipsters seem to hate hipsters even more!

"Damn, dirty hipsters and their dress shoes from the twenties. God, I hate them. Hey, can you pass me my old camera that looks like I found it at the bottom of the ocean? Thanks."

Hipsters love vintage this, vintage that.

"I don't want NEW clothes. Are you insane? A cute little old man might not have died in my oversized cardigan if it were NEW? Wow."

Hipsters, though, are the FIRST people in line for new iPhones.

"My God, I can't wait to get the new iPhone!"

"Neither can I! Hey, have you seen the new Mission: Impossible?"

"Ugh, no! New movies have too much CGI. They haven't made a good movie since the sixties. As soon as I get this phone I'm going to tweet about what an idiot you are for watching new movies. Right after I download an app to see where I can still get old Beatles records."

Most hipsters don't seem to be comfortable. Most seem on edge. They're waiting to yell at someone. Most hipsters don't have a look on their face that says, "I'm comfortable with what I'm wearing." Most hipsters have a look of, "I dare you to ask about this ripped t-shirt with a random black guys face on it. Do it! I'm ready to explode!"

"Hey, I really like your glasses."

"Oh, yeah? You do? THEY'RE FAKE, ALL RIGHT? Are you happy now?! Why can't I just wear what I want? Why can't I be my own person?"

"...I just said I liked them."

"YOU'VE SAID ENOUGH!"

It seems that a lot of people dress like hipsters just because they don't know what else to do. Remember the guys in 2003 who wore FUBU jerseys who really didn't look like they should be wearing them because they didn't know what else to wear? If you knew me in 2003, you do.

"Nathan, you gonna get that large FUBU jersey, cuz?"

"Large! What am I? A girl? Extra large! Let's make this happen, awkwardness!"

Hipster fashion has taken over. If you're not dressing like a hipster right now, there are not too many other choices. You've got the small town guy who wears Affliction t-shirts and Fox Racing jackets.

"Get yer dam CCM twig outta my face, Darryl, before I have ta drive my Ford F150 to yer mom’s and just give er."

You can wear a suit all the time. 

"Get your damn CCM hockey stick out of my face, Darryl, before I have to take the bus to your mom’s and love her."

Just about everyone is dressing like a hipster. Even rappers now are dressing like hipsters! A few years ago, there was no way rappers would have worn tight things. There are no more 'rapper'-looking rappers.

"Whoa, that guy’s a rapper? He looks like he should be skipping an eighth grade math class."

"You're dressed exactly like him."

"What! How did this happen?!"

It's funny when certain types of people come around to "be different". Goths, emos, hipsters. When everyone tries to be different, everyone ends up being the same.

"I'm not like everyone else! Their wool hats are orange. Mine is blue! Clear difference."

Who isn't a hipster right now? You can't throw Kings of Leon's first CD without hitting a hipster on a bike made during the era of the Titanic.

"Ow! Oh, nice! This was before they became mainstream. God, what is this – a compact disc? It's vinyl or nothing with me. Can you throw a cassette of this at me at least?"

A lot of hipsters don't like mainstream music, movies or culture. And that's fine, but there is no reason to act as if you are better than people when they don't know what you are talking about.

"Have you heard of The Hamster Carts?"

"No, I haven't. What kind of mus..."

"Of course you haven't! They only put out one song then destroyed their instruments."

"...then why did you ask me i..."

"I've turned my suspenders towards you, sir! Good day!"

Hipster neighborhoods are INSANELY gross. It's not hip to clean your surroundings? All of their neighborhoods look like the decks of pirate ships in the fourteenth century.

"Do any garbage men come through this part of town? If that pile of trash gets any bigger, you could put nine rooms in it. Oh, wait. There's one."

"He's not a garbage man. He's my friend, Wolf. He likes to dress like a city worker."

Hipster bars in these neighborhoods seem to not want you in them.

"Can I get a rum and Coke?"

"Yeah, I guess. It's coming in a mason jar."

"Cool. Sometimes I like to act as if I'm on a plantation in the twenties. Is there anywhere to sit?"

"Ugh, we don't have chairs. Everyone sits down. Stand outside."

Hipsters themselves sometimes don't really keep themselves any different than their neighborhoods. Hipster girls’ hands and feet are dirty as truck drivers. It's like they've been moving rocks down at the quarry all day, barefoot. 

Every hipster girl has a bird foot as well. A tattoo of a bird on their foot. Bird foot! BIRD FOOT! How did you all decide to get the exact same tattoo, in the exact same place?

"Hey, hey. We're all gonna dress and talk the same way anyway. Why don’t we all get bird feet? It'll be hilarious!"

"Then we will at least be less awkward with each other!"

"Slow down, all right! One thing at a time. Ow! How did we bump heads? You're way over there!"

There's no way that hipster girls are trying to have sex with anyone. Doesn't make any sense. Hipster girls act like every eight-year-old boy from the nineties.

"I love Super Nintendo! Fresh Prince of Bel-Air was a little over the top at points, but I love it! I couldn't be any more awkward if I had been raised underground!"

The only guy that could be attracted to a girl who acts the way he did in grade eight, is a pedophile.

"Hmm. You act and kinda look like the little boys that I'm into, but you're legal? My lucky day!"

Not everyone is good. This is fact.

People always say, "Find the good in everyone." Sounds amazing! Sounds as if there is good in everyone to find! But in reality, there just isn't. Period. Still, though, "Find the good in everyone!" People who say that should be karate-kicked.

"Oh, god! You... knocked the.... wind out of.... me. But... you're probably a... good guy."

It started in school. Teachers would say that to students when a bully would push them around.

"Look, he just likes lunch money and punching you in the face. But if somehow you can look beyond your bloody nose and see through those black eyes, maybe you'll find that he actually has some good in him."

Find the good in him?! Well, where to start!? He has some good punches in him. I'm not a boxing coach, I don't care about that!

"Hey, look, bully. If you drop your shoulder you could knock me out in half the time."

"Shut up, loser!"

"You're right. Who am I? Please, though, not my face. I have a crush on Jessica and we walk home toge... I wish I wouldn't have said that."

Parents, guidance counselors, Oprah. Everyone says "find the good in everyone". In everyone? Why do I have to listen to some racist idiot rant for an hour about how terrible black people are, only to find out that he is good at the spoons?

"Man, I didn't agree with his views on black people, but the spoons?! Geez, he plays the hell out of those! I've never teared up over cutlery before, but wow! I'll never eat cereal the same way again."

When people say, "Find the good in everyone," it sounds as though even when someone rubs you the wrong way, you are supposed to stand there and go,

"All right. This person has spit on me while talking, they stand too close, and they smell awful, but god. I'm sure they'll stop talking about Jersey Shore and say something interesting any day now."

What I should say is that not everyone is good for you. Everyone is good for someone. People even liked Jeffery Dahmer. They wouldn't tell you now, but they did. "Ol’ J.D. Dahmer Dog? Nope, never trusted him." Even that racist, spoon-playing man would have friends. But they are other racists.

"Hey, do you think tonight at the rally you could play the spoons? Of course, after we burn their church. If I hear even one spoon before that, I'll snap!"

It's supposed to be taken as, "We are all the same." Yes, this is true. We are all the same. We all want to be happy, have friends, and enjoy what we do with our lives. The thing is, though, some people don't do anything good to get those things. Some people will stab GOOD PEOPLE in the back to get those things. So what is to be said then?

"Man, you lied to my girlfriend so that you could get with her. Wow. How could you do that?! I suppose, though, we are the same. Well, I'm single now and you have my girl, but other than that we are the same. I see the good in you. God, I'm sad. And you're not. But you have the ability to get sad, so you're good."

People say "find the good in everyone" because they are scared to not like people. That's all that it is. We have been taught now that you shouldn't not like people. Just ridiculous. Ellen has almost made it so that saying, "I really don't like that person," is a federal crime.

"Man, I don't like that guy."

"PUT YOUR HANDS UP! UP! LAY FACE DOWN ON THE GROUND!"

"What did I do?"

"You don't know, perp? You broke one of the Ellen laws, everyone must be liked! Now make love to that sidewalk, dis-liker! MAKE LOVE TO IT!"

I like just about everyone. I love meeting new people. I do not, though, like everyone. There are some people I don't want to talk to, don't want to hang out with, and I'm sure there are some who feel that way about me. I don't base my feelings towards anyone on the first few minutes of meeting them, but I will say, ANYONE who tells me they read Perez Hilton? There's no time for these people to me. You've made it impossible to find the good.

"Okay, Mr. Macintosh, you were in a really nasty accident. Your arm was broken in three places, but we'll have it set in a minute."

"Ugh... thanks."

"No problem, it's my job. Just like it's Perez Hilton’s job to make fun of talented people. He kills me! You ever check out his website? ...Wait, you can't just leave! We haven't finished!"

"I'll fix my own arm! Goodbye, Dr. Like-a-Hilton!"

"Wait, you can't! Your arm is... ya know, that really isn't a clever name. "Doctor Like-a-Hilton? Perez could do better than that."

"AAHAHHAHAGHGH!"

Also, there's not enough time to find the good in everyone! Does anyone who says that know how long that would take? To find the good in everyone all the time?

"Excuse me. You just walked through a door I was holding open and didn't say thank you."

"Huh?"

"Yeah, so I'm wondering if we can go to lunch so I can try to see some good in you?"

"Go to hell!"

"Okay, now we're looking at dinner too. We'll start tonight?"

The good in some people is when they walk away. Girls at clubs are good at understanding this.

"Hey, I'm a little drunk right now and don't know what to say to you, but I'm a good person and would like to talk to you."

"What? You'd like to talk to me? What's that code for? Cut my head off and put it in a duffel bag?! GET AWAY FROM ME CREEP!... Huh, he walks away fast. That's good."

Credit cards.

Credit cards. I have one, you have one, I'm sure even credit cards have credit cards.

"How would you like to pay?"

"I am payment!"

"Sorry, sir, I'll need something that isn't your person."

These days, to not have a credit card is to live in the woods. I'm sure you can't even live there without one!

"Yep, I sleep in a tree and hunt for my food. But the river won't allow me to fish unless I give them my card number. I don't know who programmed this river, but I'm not going against it."

Credit cards have made it so that you can't buy anything with cash anymore. Not at all! People used to be able to buy things with cash. Credit card companies, though, have made it so you NEED them to do anything. You want an apartment? You need credit. You want a car? You need credit.

"But I have money!"

"Well, is that money invisible?"

"No, of course not. It's right here!"

"Ah, see. That's the problem. It has to be invisible. Sorry, sir! You can sleep on your actual money in the street, though."

Credit card companies do not care about people at all. Credit cards are given out to poor people in poor grocery stores. How could companies be so heartless!?

"Do you want a credit card?"

"Credit card?! My cart is full of Mr. Noodles! What the hell am I gonna do with a credit card? I'm in twenty thousand dollars worth of debt!"

"...If you sign up for one, I'll give you some cookies?"

"Whoa, whoa, whoa – cookies! Chocolate chunk?! What debt? I'm in!"

Every time I see one of those guys standing behind a little podium saying, "Want to sign up for a credit card? Right now! You don't even need credit. None! No credit!", I want to karate kick him in the head. You don't have any money either?! What the hell are we doing here?

"Sign up for something that messed up your whole life! But this one doesn't care that your whole life is messed up!"

These guys are at the airport, too! Who in the world needs to sign up for a credit card while catching a connecting flight to Cleveland?

"Sir! Would you like to sign up for a credit card?"

"Well, I obviously already have one. You can't book a flight without it. If I didn't have one I wouldn't be in this terminal with you. And I have to catch a flight in half an hour or I'll be stuck in this airport for six hours, have to use the credit card I already have to book another flight, which will cost a ton because they know I'm screwed – but why not! I don't have all of those holders in my wallet full yet!"

Credit card commercials are amazing as well. They could just say, "Hey, if you don't have one of our cards or someone else’s cards, you won't be able to even leave your house!" Nope, they don't do that. They try to have funny commercials. FUNNY COMMERCIALS. For CREDIT CARDS!

"Hey, what's that?"

"Oh, that? It's a space shuttle I bought on this Pay Now, Cry Later credit card."

"Space shuttle? Are you qualified to fly that thing?"

"No, but the hot Russian space lady that came with it is!"

"Я унес бы Вас обоих, но я только имею один рот."

"Pay Now, Cry Later credit cards. Why cry now and pay later?"

They'll give a credit card to someone who is eighteen who doesn't even have a job, or someone in their twenties or thirties who has had one before and still owes money. But if you never have had one, and paid cash for everything in your life, when you’re forty you can't get one! They won't give you one when you can pay it off!

"I'm sorry, sir, you don't have any credit."

"I know. That's what I'm trying to get the card for."

"Ah, I see. Well, is there a way you could prove you’re bad with money? Could we contact a friend with whom you still owe something to?"

"No. I've been good with all of my bills and everything. Doesn't that make me eligible?"

"...What? Sorry, I stopped paying attention when you said you've been good with your bills. Want to take a mint and get out?"

Credit card companies get other people to collect for them as well. They don't even call you themselves! They get other people who are in debt to call people who are in debt to collect. 

"Thanks for coming in for the interview today. How much debt are you in?"

"Me? Jesus, lots."

"Perfect! Then you'll be fine working for thirteen dollars an hour and working fifty hours a week! Start with this list."

"This one has me on it!"

"Yes, it does. Call yourself and talk yourself into paying us back. If you work sixty hours a week and disconnect from your family, we'll cut your debt by ten percent."

"Sweet! When do I start?"

"Right now. Work until Thursday."

That would be the worst job on the planet. Only thing worse would be ditch digging on the side.

"Which job do you have today?"

"In the morning I have to call people and try to dig money out of them. In the afternoon I have to stand beside a highway and dig a hole in the earth."

"...I envy nothing about you."

Can credit card companies just say what they are? Can't they? Credit card companies are the same as loan sharks. The only difference is you never meet anyone who actually works at the credit card company. You don't have to talk to anyone there to get money. You have to meet a loan shark to get money from him.

"Hello, I'd like to borrow five thousand dollars."

"No problem. Here it is. I need you to return it in two weeks, with an extra three thousand for me being so generous. Also, if you don't return the money plus interest, I'll kill your entire family."

"...Okay...nice to meet you."

"You, too! Have a good day and tell your friends! 

Why must they charge you so much? I have a credit card that has a nineteen percent interest rate. Nineteen percent! I know you guys need to make money, but nineteen percent interest? We both need each other. I need you or I won't be able to buy a couch ever in my life, and you need people like me or you will not have enough money to still be able to buy couches, light them on fire and throw them at poor people.

"There's another poor person!"

"Nice! Throw the La-Z-Boy! Wait, put it on the street so he can sit in it, and when he brings the foot rest up, then we'll set it on fire!"

"You know, we could just raise their interest rates to twenty one percent. We don't necessarily need to light them on.."

"YOU'RE FIRED!"

Credit cards are so serious that you can go to jail for lying to get a credit card. Jail! If you lied to get a Blockbuster card when it was around, nothing happened. You just rented "Sudden Death" that night.

"They asked me if I owed any money. I told ‘em no! Hello, Jean Claude Van Damme!"

You lie on a credit card application? You could end up beside a guy who boiled a kid in an old fridge.

"What are you in for?"

"Ah man, I fibbed on a credit card application. You?"

"Same! Except I kidnapped a seven-year-old, put him in an old fridge I found on the side of the road, and poured hot caramel on him until he was a kid caramel kid apple."

"...I don't think I should be here with you."

"You! I shouldn't be anywhere. I'm crazy!"

Christmas music. There is no need.

There was a point in time when Christmas music would only play in December. You know – the month that Christmas is in? Then came the time when companies thought, "Hey, we can get a jump on this and start playing Christmas music the last week of November." Fine, but now? Christmas music starts playing the first week of November! First week! Of the MONTH BEFORE! Will this trend keep going?

"Wow, I can't believe August is over already. September 1st! Well, time for the Christmas music."

"What? It's not even fall yet!"

"What – you don't like Christmas music? Wow, why don't you just punch Santa and kick kids!"

People come in to stores and think, "Oh, Christmas music! I love it!" But do you ever take a second to think about the people who work in that store? Sure, to come in for ten minutes is nice. But to work there for eight hours a day, four or five days a week? You'll want to blow your eggnog off! When I was working at Starbucks, we would get the Christmas CD on November 1st! 1st! And it had to be played! The CEO, Howard Schultz, must have thought that was hilarious.

"Make them listen to the Christmas music everyday."

"But, sir! There are only twelve Christmas songs! They'll go insane!"

"I know! Isn't it hilarious? Not only do they have to deal with anal people who want a drink at a certain temperature, but to do that while listening to "Chestnuts Roasting on an Open Fire"? Oh, man. One day, when you own people, you'll understand. Now get out! I have to kick this homeless guy for an hour."

That's the hilarious twist to Christmas music. It’s the same twelve songs over and over and over again. No new songs! Never! Even when they say,

"Some new Christmas music for all you Christmas lovers out there! Rudolph the Red Nosed Reindeer – by Pink!"

An artist can't just sing a song they haven't sung before and have it be called a 'new' song. IT'S THE SAME OLD SONG! Why do we want every artist to sing Christmas songs? WHY?! How did we let this happen? There's no other genre of music that we would accept this with.

"God, I love John Denver, but have you heard Lil Wayne’s version of ‘Thank God I'm a Country Boy’? Huge. Or John Denvers version of A Milli?! Amazing."

Also, Christmas music is so old! It's the equivalent of listening to music made in the 14th century.

"Oh, what's that? The lute?! Turn that up, sire!"

Some new Christmas music has come out over the years. Justin Bieber has a new Christmas album out. WITH THE SAME TWELVE SONGS AND A COUPLE OF NEW ONES! I don't think any new Christmas song, though, can be sung by a white guy saying "shawty". Nope. Can't happen. Frank Sinatra didn't sing "I Saw That Dame Kissing Santa Claus" or "That Old Chick got run over by a Reindeer."

I honestly am not a fan of anyone who truly likes Christmas music. I like Christmas, but the music? You know the people. The people who will play Christmas music in their car. Christmas music while driving!

"Alright, we have a five hour trip, and I brought Christmas music sung by various artists! It's going to be so festive!"

"Oh, nice! To make it really festive, I hope we crash into a pine tree!"

"Oh, that would be the best! We would be like presents for the ambulance drivers! Yaaaa!"

Christmas is shoved in your face. Heaven forbid you have a bad day in the Christmas season, because some over-involved soccer mom who’s trying to fill up the time so her past pain doesn't catch up to her, will say, "Oh, what's wrong? Come on! Get in the Christmas spirit for Pete's Sake!"
Is there any Christmas spirit left? I thought you may have used all of it to decorate your Crocs.

Most families don't talk all year, and then are supposed to come together on one magical day of the year and have the best time of their lives? I'm sure that for at least fifty percent people, that is not a reality. What happens is – people show up and yell about unresolved problems.

"I'm so happy everyone could make it here for Christmas! Chris, would you like to say grace?"

"Grace? We're not even eating at a table, and it's just you and me here!"

"Chris, now is not the time."

"It's never the time! Where the hell was dad? Why did you never hug me as a kid!? I'm twenty eight and can't love! Get this turkey out of my face!"

Christmas commercials are the worst things on the planet. Only full families and houses are represented. Are these the only people who celebrate Christmas? Gorgeous families with gorgeous dogs, gorgeous Christmas trees, gorgeous presents under these trees, a gorgeous spread of food on gorgeous tables, two gorgeous parents, and the ugliest sweaters ever made? Christmas commercials show boats, big houses, dogs who have jackets and engraved food dishes, and beautiful families. You know, really disgusting things. Sentences said between father and son like,

"Son, do you mind bringing me my slippers?"

"Which ones, dad? The Mario Andretti Ferrari ones or the Yankees Commemorative World Series ones?"

"Now son, does it really matter?"

"...Hahahahah... oh, my. We are really in love and live good lives."

I grew up in an apartment. My life is NOT represented at Christmas time on TV. Except when there is a movie about a cop who has lost everything. His partner was hit by a stray Tomahawk missile, and his wife was blown up by a car bomb that was meant for him. He's alone on Christmas, in an apartment, holding a gun in one hand and a bottle of whiskey in the other, trying to figure out which one to put in his mouth. What I grew up in is only used at Christmas time to show someone at their lowest!

"Merry Christmas, whiskey. Merry Christmas, Glock .45. Which one of you will follow me under the mistletoe?"

I used to be upset that my life wasn't the same as what is shown on TV at Christmas time, but then I realized that the people who live the way TV shows usually end up in the paper. With a quote from a neighbor , "He was just a nice guy. I can't believe he choked an entire swim team to death with a Christmas reef while singing 'Silent Night'. Wow. Just a nice guy."

Positive thinking. We're not still going with this, right?

Positive thinking. It's become the mantra said to you no matter what is happening.

"This shark is biting my leg!"

"Just think positive! Positivity is poison to sharks! ...Where did you go? Are you going under the water to yell at the shark, "I'm a positive person! Taste the poison!"...Jeff?!" 

Positive thinking is not the only way any of us are going to live well.

Celebrities say, "Just think positive and work hard." Garbage! You forgot to mention, "Have a marketing team and managers!" You don't get on a billboard in Times Square just because you thought, "Man, all days are lovely days."

No! You have a manager in a suit, yelling at other men in suits.

"If you don't put my client on a billboard in Times Square, your kid’s blood will RAIN DOWN ON YOUR HEAD! Is that what you want? It to RAIN YOUR CHILD’S BLOOD!"

Oprah used to say, "You can get whatever you want by thinking positive!" Tell that to the people who have HIV who aren’t Magic Johnson.

"Just think positively, guys. I beat it, so can you."

"...But you have millions of dollars for treatments..."

"You know how I got this money?"

"...By thinking positively?"

"No, by playing basketball! Now think positive!"

Thinking positive cannot be your only tactic on achieving what you want in this life. If you only think positively, you're not going to get what you want. If you really want to be an actor, but all you do is sit on a couch and think good thoughts, you will be a person who calls themselves an actor and sits on the couch thinking good thoughts.

"I really want to be an actor. If I just think about how cool it's going to be, I'll get there. Man, it's gonna be sooo great. I'll be able to afford a way more comfortable couch and way more delicious chips! Come on dream career, I'm positiviting the hell out of this!"

A lot of people will say "think positive" just to shut you up.

"How do I get to where you are? How do I achieve my... "

"Woah, woah, woah. Just relax and think positive, okay? That's all you have to do."

"What about all of the training you did in the gym? Doesn't that have anyth..."

"Are you still here? Man, I said, THINK POSITIVE. What part of that do you not understand? That's all you have to do. Now get away from me. I have a lot of crunches, pull-ups. sit ups, running, sparring, dips, curls, squats, suicide drills, swimming and taiwanese kickboxing to do. Just THINK POSITIVE!"

There are some points in life, though, that positive thinking really won't help. You're hungry? You can't just think positive thoughts about food and have food show up.

"Let's do this, Buffalo wings! I'm positively thinking hard!"

"Here are the wings you ordered, sir. That'll be twelve dollars."

"I knew it would work! Now, to pay this bill by thinking positively. Hmmpphhff... bill paid yet?"

"... just give me the twelve dollars."

Thinking positively, in most cases, is a good way to live, though. It does help you to say "I can" as apposed to "I cannot". It helps your mood and makes you a more attractive person. Anyone want to talk to the guy at a party who is in the corner with his head down? Maybe for a minute.

"Hi, how are you doing?"

"The world is awash with greed and fire is raining in my head constantly. This beer is flat and I can't love anymore."

"...Nice! Well, enjoy your night!"

But people say "think positive" as if negative thinking has never brought us anything good. Negative thinking has brought us some great art. There are songs, movies, and pieces of art that are fantastic, and in no way could they have been brought to us if the people making them had thought positively. We wouldn't have Edvard Munch’s "The Scream" had he been thinking positively.

"What are you working on?"

"Oh, just a painting with a man holding his face, screaming on a boardwalk into the night, with what looks like a vortex from hell behind him."

"...Oohhh...why?"

"Because I'm in a really good place right now."

If you like country music, you can forget about it ever being around if country stars were going to think positively. Definitely old country stars. You think country music superstar George Jones came up with "He Stopped Loving Her Today" while thinking about birds and cotton candy? 

"Woo, today is great! Cotton candy in my country-music-superstar hand. Birds chirping in my country-music-superstar ears. Wait, I feel a song coming on! A song called... "He Stopped Loving Her Today"! Arguably, the saddest song ever made! Thank you, positive thinking and gorgeous day for bringing this song to my mind."

No! It was a terrible day in his life – and because of that he came up with music that has helped people when they have terrible days.

Without thinking negatively we wouldn't have Million Dollar Baby. Million Dollar Baby! That movie is fantastic! Sad, inspirational, sad again, more inspiration. Movies with endings like "The Wrestler". Yeah, it's sad, but how else would you end that movie?

"Randy "The Ram" with a Ram Jam! And oh, he hits it perfectly! Wait, what's happening here? Oh my god! Ed McMahon is coming down the ramp with a giant novelty cheque!"

"Yes, sir! Randy, I've been following your career and I don't think you deserve to be wrestling in these high schools and legions for no money. Here's a cheque for two million dollars! Ram Jam that all the way to the bank! WoooHaaaa!"

Sometimes you want to feel depressed. Sometimes there is no other way but to have a day where you are down. On days like that you need things to make you remember that you are not alone. If everyone and everything in the world were positive when you had a day like that, you would end it.

"Man, I'm having a really bad day guys."

"Oh, really? We have no idea what you are talking about. Not I, nor anyone I know has ever had a bad thought. We were just on our way to sit in a drum circle and hum positive affirmations. Would you like to join? "

"That's it, I'm out!"

Books like "The Secret" have really made people believe that if they think and believe hard enough, they will get what they want. All it really shows us is that we should all write books on thinking positively. With the money you'll make, it'll be hard for you to think negatively.

DJs. I think they're done.

Napster was a big deal when I was a teenager. It's how we listened to new music. It took an hour to get one song, but it was amazing! I remember trying so hard to find songs that DJ Clue wasn't on. That guy annoyed me so much. I'd wait an hour, the song would finally be downloaded, I'd press play, then ten seconds in:
"DJ Clue, Clue, Clue! I'm in the building! Shot out to DMX for this song! Get ‘em X, X, X! Shot out to my mom, my sister, the guy who sold me this hat, the airwaves, the future, the past, coconut water, water, water! Desert Storm in the building, building, building! Get ‘em X! You killing ‘em, ‘em, ‘em!"
Can you please shut up so I can hear this song? Why are you here? Did you make the beat? No, you didn't, so get out of here!

DJs love to talk over songs. Talk over "Billie Jean" as if it were missing something.
"I love Billie Jean, I just thought it needed a, "Is Franklin High in the place!" I wish I could have told Michael."

DJs used to scratch, blend, and remix songs BY HAND. Actually had turntables, and actually put music on. Grabbed a record, and placed it ON A RECORD PLAYER. Now, everything is on a computer. DJs don't have to do anything! Just put songs in a playlist and press play. Then put headphones over one ear, the other on their fitted hat, and pretend that something is being heard in either of them. What are you listening to!
"These headphones are connected to the DJ headquarters. Right now, they are saying to play an ol’ school Mase hit. Thanks, headquarters! I was about to go Usher, but I would have lost the crowd!"

DJs made sense at one point. For one, DJs did something. Also, THEY BROUGHT EQUIPMENT AND RECORDS THAT THEY PURCHASED! You have to be paid well when you have been buying records to play at parties. You are literally bringing the music! There was a point in time when you couldn't just get a song you wanted in a second. That was when DJs were needed. Who had hours worth of music that would be great for a party? Who was spending tons of money to collect music to play at parties? DJs!

Now, though? You could put an iPod in the place of a DJ. The only difference would be that the iPod wouldn't think it could sleep with every woman in the club. And ridiculous girls wouldn't think it was cool to sleep with the iPod.
"Man, that iPod is sexy. I'm gonna talk to him!"
"It's a machine, Stacey. There's nothing to sleep with."
"I don't care. I have to ride it. It plays music that I like!"

DJs have a TON of misplaced confidence. Have more confidence than Lebron would if he were also a lawyer and a racecar driver.
"I'm the man, son! I'm the best DJ in the land! Nobody plays records like me!"
...Did you hear what you just said? You're the best at pressing the play button?
"Yeah, that's what I said! Nobody presses play like DJ Play Press!"

There will come a time when DJs will be in museums.
"This, everyone, is a DJ. Also known as a Disc Jockey. DJs used to perform at shows and parties."
"Then what happened?"
"Well, a man named Steve Jobs came up with a handheld DJ that didn't even run on batteries! Some years later, DJs had him killed it’s presumed and told the world it was cancer."

It's ridiculous as well when you see a poster and it says, "Music by DJ Not Needed." Wait, wait. No, it isn't. Music isn't by this DJ, this music is by a bunch of artists! Does he own the music? Does he have a lock on everything by the Jackson 5? Nope, he just plays it.
"DJ Not Needed, we really want to listen to the Jackson 5, and not one of us knows how to work a stereo, computer or iPod!"
"You called the right person."

A DJ at a show makes sense. A DJ at a concert makes sense. A DJ at a club? Not necessary. There are a few DJs that are good. Some who make a night fun and get a crowd going. Most, though, are just ruining things. Ruining things from their pharmacist’s vantage point. Unless you are Dr. Dre, you should be on the floor with everyone else.
"Excuse, don't come up here. I'm a doctor of sound. Only I can be up this high."
"You just played LMFAO six times in a row. My diagnosis? Play something else."

DJs also make tons of money. Tons of money for PLAYING OTHER PEOPLES MUSIC. How the hell did this happen?
"We need some music for tonight's party. Will you take care of it?"
"Are you serious? I'm on chip detail and you want me to work music? What do I look like? A governor? I can't take care of all of this!"
"Look, you have to! You have a ton of records!"
"Man... alright. I'll do it... for a thousand dollars."
"A thousand dollars! You're just playing music!"
"You want music tonight? Or do you just want people rubbing chips together to hear a beat?"

How can we have commercials like, "For just forty cents a day, we can feed a child," when we are throwing money at a person whose robot replacement we have already made? How are we getting rid of cashiers at grocery stores for self-checkouts, but we're keeping DJs in clubs? We have made big machines to do what someone was doing for eight dollars an hour. We have tiny little machines that will do for free what a DJ charges two thousand dollars for! This should be the easiest move in history!
"Look, man. You've been replaced."
"What? But I'm DJ Kevin Mc-Kick Ass-tiler! When I'm in the building no one goes Home Alone! Who are you gonna get to do what I do?"
"I don't know, an old Sony Discman? It's either: pay for you or send my kid to a year of school."
"You'll be sorry! You fire me, you're not getting my hype men either, The Wet Bandits!"
"Ya know, your DJ name is a clever take on 'Home Alone', their name is a blatant rip off."
"Man, I know. We were gonna use the money from your show to pay for a think tank to come up with a better name."

With the money we could save on DJs, we could get some real things done. Fix roads, build hospitals, and send kids to school to learn how to MAKE music.
"I'm on the 'actually learn to make music and not just play other peoples songs and take some kind of ridiculous credit for it' scholarship."

Until that day, though, I guess DJs will still be in clubs with their clever names. I'm waiting for the day there is truth in their job. When a DJ will call himself, DJ "You Can Do This".

Rap made me write this.

Rap music has made me dance, throw things when I've been drunk, and has motivated me to keep working when I didn't want to. I suppose it didn't make me throw things, but you get drunk, listen to DMX's "Party Up", and try not to throw something. You'll throw your mom if she's close.
"Why are you doing this? I raised you!"
"Ya'll gon make me lose my mind!"

Even with songs like "Party Up", there were songs like "Slippin'". Now, though? It seems all songs are "Party Up". Rap is no longer for the downtrodden. It seems to only be for rappers themselves or other billionaires.
"I take a helicopter to the club, covered in platinum. I bought another whale yesterday just to keep stacking them."
Who's relating to that! Warren Buffet and maybe ten other people. Also, if you have a helicopter, why are you going to the club with it? Does Derek Jeter go to Little League games, take a kids bat and start crushing homeruns? No! You buy a helicopter, you can't take it to places where somebody who works at McDonald's can also go. You can take it to the tops of buildings or Jurassic Park.

Nobody is talking about coming up anymore. Apparently everyone starts at the top.
"I'm a billionaire. I got nice hair. I smoke purple air and I just stepped out of a high chair!"
How is everyone rich when they put out their first song? HOW!?

Rappers seem to have a problem with their audience. Why are rappers yelling at us about the things they have that we don't? Do you even want me to listen to these songs, rappers? Should I have not have bought this?

"What do you know about the clear port? Huh! What do you know about hover boots?! What do you know about buying a Bentley, crashing it into a museum, and then getting off of the charges by buying every cop, judge, and jury member each a Bentley? And not even putting a dent in your bank account! What you know about that, huh! I'm talking to you, listener! I'll blow up your town and they won't charge me! YOU HEAR ME!"
Why are you angry with us? You have all of the money! Soon when you go to a bank to get money you'll have to ask a rapper.
"Oh no, I'm sorry. We don't have any hundred-dollar bills today. Kanye and Jay have decided to use them to build a replica of America on the moon. Sorry. It's gonna be great, though!"

Why are rappers only angry with us now, and not the world's condition? Are all of the world's problems solved? Is everything straightened out? Let us know rappers, so we can live accordingly. Just songs now about drinking, taking pills or crying.

"I'm on pills! I'm on pills! Time to chill, I'm on pills!"

"Let's drink, let's drink! Whatchu think? I think it's time to drink!"

"Where'd she go, man? I loved her fam! She was the best girl, I took her around the world. Now we aren't together, and I've been crying in the studio since September. Please God, WHHHYYY?!"

Every rapper has the same answer to the question, "Who do you want to work with?"

"Who do I want to work with? That's easy. Tupac, man. Pac. Because he's the greatest, and I'm the greatest, and we would make a great collab."

Why do you want to be on a song with Tupac? Do you have dreams of being the worst part of a song? Is that what it is? You just have a need to be embarrassed on a song? Tupac rapped about social struggle, you're gonna rap about Gucci bandanas for three and a half minutes. These two things do not need to come together. That's the same as if Snooki said she really wanted to speak publicly with Martin Luther King, Jr. Doesn't need to be!

"Well, he said, "I have a dream", and I said, "If you're not a guido, get the fuck out of my face!"

Problem with a lot of rap is that it's people who don't live in a real world selling to people who do. That's why you have so much crazy talk about aliens and other planets.
"I'm from Mars! I'm not human!"
Yeah, you are. You just have face tattoos. So does Mike Tyson, and he knows he's from America.

All this crazy talk gets into people's heads, and regular people start to believe that they are the same as these rappers. That's why you see people at clubs with stunner shades and Gucci belts, but with a bus pass and ten dollars in their pocket.
"Check out this Gucci belt! Yeah, I know! White tee and a Gucci belt. I'm living it! Umm, can you buy me a drink? You're going to the bar anyway. Come on, man! Do you know how expensive this belt was?"

Remember when rappers filled the entire beat with words? I don't know how they did it. They must have been wizards! Now most songs are so slow, and so dumb.

"This beat..................is hot......................write something down........................I think not."

Where did you go?! Are you counting money between verses?! Taking some bitches out of the oven!? Trying to figure out your rapper noise?! Finish the song before you take huge breaks!

Every rapper now says they don't write. Really? We figured that out when you rhymed pizza with pizza, and took forty five seconds to say it. Write something down!

"Naw, I don't write nothing down. Pen? I don't know what you're talking about. Paper? I spend it, I don't write on it! I just get in the studio and flow."
It's almost good that they don't write this stuff down. It would be an insult to paper.
"We cut a tree down so someone could write "I'm a Boss" four hundred times? Are you serious? Why couldn't he just write "I'm a Boss" multiplied by four hundred to save paper!? We killed a family of owls! Those owls are dead! DEAD!"

Of course you don't write things down! "Fight the Power" was written down. A pen and some paper made thoughts happen. Big Sean's "Ass" was thought of, and written while stepping out of the shower. Ass! SONG CALLED ASS WHERE ASS IS SAID HUNDREDS OF TIMES! To top that, has a beat from MC Hammer. On a music label called "GOOD Music". GOOD MUSIC! Is this GOOD!? Oh wait, that stands for "Getting Out Our Dreams." Damn, almost forgot. Getting a girl to shake her ass to a song is not that bad a dream actually. I'm now torn.

Rappers aren't even trying anymore.
"Yo, get me my mic! I just thought of a song!
"Uh huh, yeah. Uh huh, yeah. I got money, yeaaahhhh. I got a watch, ooohhhhh. Money watch, money watch, money watch, money money watch. It don't tell the time, but it cost a lot. Money watch, money watch, money money watch." Nice! Get me a girl who wants to 'model', just shoot her ass and we got a hit!"

I don't understand rap video girls. Why are girls still doing this? You think it's leading to other modeling gigs where maybe you'll wear some clothes?
"Yeah mom, I'm doing well. Just got a modeling job! Yeah! I rub my ass covered in oil on the hood of a Rolls Royce! You have to look quick, because if you blink you'll miss my face before two strange men throw money at it. I think it's my big break!"

Speaking of videos, how many rappers have actually ever watched a music video?

"What do you want to have in this video?"

"I was thinking cars, watches, girls, money, girls on money, cars on girls on money, a watch so big it can wear a girl as a watch, car full of money that runs on money. That kinda thing."

"...Um, I don't mean to mess with your groove, but have you seen this video? Or this one?"

"What is he doing?! That's my video! He stole my idea! Okay, okay. Let's relax for a minute. What's another idea I have? OH! How about driving a motorbike with a hundred of my "friends" through my hood?!"

"Oh, boy. I hate to be the one to show you this..."

"My God! How did these other rappers get into my thoughts?! Damn you, psychic rappers! DAMN YOU!"

When rappers aren't talking about watches, they are giving us dance moves to do for a week. I suppose that's what happens, though, when you don't write.
"What rhymes with cash?" "I don't know that shit! Break it down!"
Songs like "Teach Me How To Dougie". Why not get someone to "Teach You How to Rap"? 

So many rappers now want to be Celine Dion. Why is everyone singing? We all owe Ja Rule an apology. He sang, and we all hated him for it. Years later, Drake sings, "Look, this is the greatest thing in world!" Listen, I'm not saying Ja Rule could sing, but you can't convince me that Drake is amazing at it either. Maybe if Ja Rule had called himself "Jizzy Rizzy Rule" we'd all still be screaming Holla Holla.

One great thing to come from rap music is the idea that if you don't like something you are just 'hating'. You can't have an opinion without being labeled a 'hater'.
"I don't like this rapper."
"You're just a hater."
"I don't hate him. I just don't think what he does is good."
"...HATER! THIS GUY'S A HATER!"
You're telling me people can still say, with a straight face, "being gay is a choice", but you can't say a rapper's garbage without people attacking you for it? That's ridiculous. People with no talent came up with the "hater" phenomenon to protect themselves.
"Wow, that song was pretty bad. You rhymed phone with phone. Want to take another look at it?"
"You're just a hater! That's what you are! You're just hating on my flow!"
"...Oh, wow. Am I? I'm sorry. I didn't mean to make you feel bad. Maybe I am being a "hater". Here's some money."
The 'hater' mindset stretches to other parts of life other than rap and that just doesn't make sense. I asked a guy I used to work with one day how he was doing.
"Just trying to dodge the haters, man."
What? We fold t-shirts! What are you talking about?! Who's in the back going,
"Man, look at that guy folding a tee. I hate him! I gotta let him know, YOU SUCK AT FOLDING!"

There used to be songs about the problems/actual things in the world/life.
"Fuck the Police"
"No Matter What"
"The Message"
I know other than "No Matter What" these are old, but they had a message! They told a story! There are no messages now.
"Ride Dick So Good"
"Blowin' Money Fast"
"PacMan"
Okay, wait. I was wrong. "Ride Dick So Good" does have a message. There is a bad girl in Plies' hood who can ride dick so good. I can follow that.

I know that there has always been fun or ridiculous rap songs over the years, but songs with messages were also heard and became popular. Now there are no popular rap songs with anything to say. None on TV, none on the radio. Nothing. People heard "Fight the Power", it got air time. Nothing with anything to say now does. Look at the top ten rap songs out right now and see! I'm not saying everything should say something, but some songs that are about real things should be there to balance it out. One example is "Night Train" by Joell Ortiz, a song about going to work and wanting more out of life, which is something we all do! How is that not a really popular song!

I've heard people say, "I don't like rap music about real life because it's depressing." Stop being a HATER! Is it better to have rappers mention watches eight times on one album? The beats on "Watch the Throne" were great, but I had to stop listening when Jay-Z said, "So many watches I need eight arms". Umm, so... you have eight arms, Jay? 

Insurance. Not really.

Insurance is something that everyone will have to deal with at some point. It sounds reassuring. Makes you think of safety, protection, maybe even a favorite blanket and a warm cup of cocoa. A favorite blanket won't try to choke you one day, though, and that cup of cocoa won't suddenly turn back to milk when you really need it. Insurance, however, may not be there when you need it.

Insurance companies love to have ads showing happy people. Happy people running through fields wearing the warmest of sweaters, swinging their kids around, drinking coffee, sitting in kayaks. Then the tag line,
"Insurance: Let us tuck you in at night."
"Ahhhh. That company cares about me! Tuck me in!"

It's ridiculous when insurance companies pretend to care.
"We don't want to see anything bad happen to you."
No, you don't. Because if something does, you'll have to do some work and figure out a way not to pay for it.
"How the hell did he fall? God, I guess I'm missing lunch today. Gotta figure out a way to prove it was his shoes fault and not the streets. Man this place makes me mad some times!"

Car Insurance
Should just be 'car insurance', right? I have a car, and I would like it insured. But no, insurance companies break it down into sections to get more money. You decide how you will get into an accident.
"What do you want covered on your car?"
"Can I get the whole car covered?"
"Of course you can! So that's collision, liability,comprehensive,uninsured motorist protection,no fault, medical/personal injury, drivers side tire, trunk, and radio insurance.  Oh, you'll want the radio insurance. Just last week a mans radio jumped out of his car and strangled a motorist. Good thing he was covered."

Car insurance companies make you pay more insurance for two door cars.

"Well, they go faster. Therefore, they are more dangerous." 

Yeah, but I still have to drive the speed limit! Doesn't matter if you're driving a Lamborghini, in the city you'll be driving the same speed as a Plymouth Windstar.

"Nice car! Does it have extra large cup holders like mine? I can fit a double big gulp in this thing! No room for kids in that thing huh? Man, are you lucky!"

Insurance companies try so hard not to pay you when something does happen. They must have a room full of guys, smoking Marlboros and drinking coffee, looking over blue prints the way generals do in war movies.
"Guys! Accident just happened, and he may be totally in the right! We might have to pay some money! What are we gonna do?"

"For god's sake man, get ahold of yourself! We can't pay out a little bit of money compared to the 6.5 billion we'll make this year. You know damn well we are not in the business of paying for accidents! We are in the business of talking people into believing that the accident was their fault! Now, I'm gonna hack this butt and make these people doubt themselves, and you get the president of the company on the phone and say we'll be fishing in Bucksport, Maine before they can say insurance premiums."

Even if you had the exact insurance for what the situation you were in called for, they'd find a way not to pay. If you had the "candy apple red Corvette, going 87mph on a country road, making a left onto Sprint st, get t-boned by an 24 year old college graduate on his way to a job interview in a 68 Ford truck" insurance, and that happened, they'd find a way.
"God, friends told me I was crazy, but I'm glad I got that insurance!"
"Ah, but did you have the blue jay flying 24 ft off the ground in the direction of South West insurance? Sorry, you're liable."

A young man's insurance is more expensive then a young woman's. Just ridiculous.
"Well, young men get into more accidents"
"Who posts that stat?"
"It's on our insurance company's website, sir".
"Oh wow! Why would you not pad your own stats!"
It's more expensive because men can't complain. Not at all. If women's insurance was more because "women get into more accidents than men", women would protest! Bras would burn! Marches would be had! And they'd be right.
Someone thought about that. "We can get more money out of men, because if they are really men, or want to be men, they won't complain about it."
If men got together to complain about insurance? "1,2,3,4, we don't want to pay more!", world leaders would pull up, "Pull your panties up gentlemen! Next you'll be wondering why fathers day is a joke! Go to work you Marys! There's got to be some boxes to stack somewhere."

The best is, people at one point in time went, "I'm  not paying for car insurance. That's ridiculous!" So what happens? They made it illegal to drive without it! Hilarious!

"How come?"

"Well, we're protecting you. What if you get into an accident? Whose gonna pay for it?"

"Do you care if I do get into an accident?"

"No, but what if we did?"

Home Insurance
You bought a home? Then you have to get some home insurance! What if someone breaks in and steals your Donald Duck Collectors edition towel rack? You can't take that chance.

You also can't just get "home insurance". What kind? What do you want to protect against? Home insurance does have a ridiculous clause that helps companies not pay. The 'Act of God' clause. Oooooweee! What a good one.

"No, we can't pay for your house. That hurricane was an Act of God."
"How is it an act of God? I said hurricane, not plague or locusts. He didn't turn my house into wine. That would be an act of God. Hurricane! If God was driving a car and he smoked me in an intersection would it be an act of god? No! It'd be an act of bad driving! This was bad hurricane throwing. Put it in a jungle where no one lives! He owes me money! Wait, weather is Mother nature's territory! Call her up and tell her she's liable!

An 'Act of God'? What year is this? If we are keeping the church out of state, can't we do the same with insurance?
"God destroyed your house. Sorry."
"He make my kid sick as well? You gonna tell me to put leeches on my head and repent so it doesn't happen again? It's 2011! Not 1611. If I get cold in December, it's not an act of god. It's an act of science and not having gloves."

If there are 'Acts of God', whose God are we going with here? Christian God? Old man with a white beard throwing disasters at your house? That who we're going with? What about an old Roman god? Buddha? If a God you don't pray to destroys your house, you should get some money back if.
"Hurricane hit your house? Act of God sir."
"Which God did it though?"
"Studies show the Hindu God Vishnu is responsible most times."
"Well, damn it! Shouldn't I get money back then? He's not my God! That damn Hindu God is infringing on my basic human freedoms! He's been giving me problems ever since I accidentally hit that cow on the highway. I'm sorry, Vishnu! What else do I have to say!"

Whoever came up with the Act of God clause must be celebrated in the world of insurance the way Steve Jobs is celebrated in the world of technology.
"Another great fiscal year, guys! Let's take this opportunity to toast to the man who made it possible for us to buy pairs of gold socks and still only wear them once before we throw them out, Professor Chris Holloday! Of course we call him the Professor for being so smart as to come up with the 'Act of God' clause. Haha, oh man. Act of God! Good one, Professor Chris. Rest in peace, sir, in the casket constructed from a hollowed out Rolls Royce Phantom, and the bones of Abraham Lincoln, that we burrowed directly into the center of the Earth as nobody deserves to be on your level. Rest in peace, you devilish warrior."

ANYONE who works in insurance has the exact same job as someone who goes around cutting purses on the street. Yes, a cut purse. Only difference is one guy is indoors.

"What do you do?"

"I rob people in the street."

"Oh, that must be cold. I rob people from an office. Much more comfortable."

"Ya know, I've been meaning to get an office? Thing is, tourists don't come through offices too much."

"...They do if you're selling... travel insurance, son!"

"Oh man! You just opened up my world of thievery!"

They high five over a kid on a spit roast.

Travel Insurance

What a farce. "If you lose your bag, we will pay for it to be replaced." Sounds great! Until you try to collect on it. 

"Can you tell us how much the contents of the bag were worth?"

"Yes, with cameras, clothes, and other electronics, about $1400."

"Okay, sir. We can give you $300."

"What?! But I said $1400!"

"Yes, you did, sir. And I said $300. Also, it will be sent in the form of coupons to Red Lobster's kids' menu. Thanks for purchasing travel insurance."

How are these people not crooks? They have talked people into giving them money for a 'what if'. "But what if you get hurt? What then?" We would never do this with anything else.

"If you give me 1000 dollars, I may give you a tv."

"Umm, that doesn't sound like a good deal."

"What if it's a great tv?"

"....You're right, let's give it a shot!"

"Thanks! Damn, no tv in the box. What if there was, though? Want to give me a thousand dollars a month and maybe one day there will be a tv in it?"

"Do I!"

Health Insurance

What's hilarious about health insurance is, if you need it, you ain't getting it.

"My arm is about to fall off! I really need health insurance."

"Yes, we can see you really need our help, and that is unfortunately why we cannot help you. We only give insurance to healthy, fit people with no history of illness."

"But those people don't need it!"

"Sir, please, calm down and stop flailing. Your arm is about to fall off."

They won't give it to you because they don't want to pay! How have we let these people do this!

When people revolt and go into an insurance company and burn it down, we can all call it an act of god.

Fake People. I can't deal.

I try to be a real human. I like other humans. When I talk to people, I talk to people. I don't have 'stock lines' to say. Fake people do. They sound as if they were programmed by a group of cylons.

"I really liked your play. Can I be in it?"
"...why are you talking like the recording from the library that calls when you have an overdue book?"
".....I really liked your play. Let's hang out and I'll give you more compliments until you place me in it?"

I don't trust fake people for the same reason I don't trust cyborgs. Cyborgs are not human. Every cyborg in a movie has to be reprogrammed before humans can trust it. It also always has to have HUMAN FEELING injected into its metal being. Always. Should be able to with fake people as well.

"Operating on another one, huh?"
"Yep. This one stepped over a dead body for two lines in a Colgate commercial. Just sad. Not even a national!"

Fake people seem to have no actual emotions. They have emotions the way a fax machine would if it could talk. Actually, maybe less so, because a fax machine will flash the word "sorry" on its screen and mean it. Fake people make every thing that happens to them sound like the best thing in the world.

"Everything is so great! Oh, this? Yeah, it's a cast. I was hit by a car yesterday while I was tweeting a quote from my favorite band. No, no, it's great! I've always wanted to learn to use my left hand! Plus, now I won't be able to eat ice cream as fast. Lose some pounds, ya know? I can get down from 109 to a svelte 102 by Thursday. It's so great!"

Can you just say, "Yeah, broke my arm. No good." It's not that they're optimistic about it either. It's that they really don't know how to not try to impress people. Have a human emotion! Just ONE! ONE! Pick one. Whichever one you want, but you gotta have one. You want to only have anger? Fine. At least you'll be a bit more human.

"Hey, how are you?"
"I'M GREAT! YOU TOO? GREAT! THIS IS GREAT!!"
"You're pissed."
"ONLY EMOTION THAT WAS LEFT! I'M NOT ACTUALLY MAD!"

Fake people can't distinguish between humans. I wouldn't be surprised if they just have sonar the way a bat does to feel the faceless blob that stands in front of them. They have the same greeting for everyone.

"Oh, mom, how are you? Great, great! I love you! Oh, person I just met, how are you? Great, great. I love you! Oh, significant other, how are you? Great, great. I love you!...wait, were those all the same person? Who cares, they're great!"

They also don't listen to you when they ask "how you are?". Not really listen. They hear it, but it doesn't compute. They go into a sort of sleep mode the way a Mac does. When they ask you how you are, there should be a screen saver that runs across their face.

"How are you?"
"Things are alright. I gotta get a new job man."
"That's great! I just got a tiny dog!"
"...wait, was there just a spectrum in your eyes?"
"Real tiny! Well, talk to you soon!"

The world of television seems to only want news about celebrities to be brought to you buy people who are as fake as Cheez Whiz. Why must people talk like that? WHY?! How can you walk through life speaking as if you have a motherboard in your chest? I've heard people say "They are professional". Professional is showing up to work on time and not drunk. Talking as if you came out of an action figure case at a Toys-R-Us is disgusting and should be punishable by law. Alabama law. 1930's Alabama law.

"What are we hanging this guy for?"
"He used the word schmooze 10 times last week."
"Ugh. Let's get a higher branch."

Fake people love the word 'great'. When a non fake person uses the word great, you are taking one of theirs away. The last sentence alone took two greats away from a fake person.

"I found a pair of really expensive shoes on sale for 600 dollars!"
"Oh! Only 600? That's so ... that's so .... ah god, I'm out of the word that I use for every situation. Yep, tanks empty. I'll have to kill a celebrity blogger to get more of it."
"Want to borrow a 'great'?"
"Alright, but I can't pay you back until I commit murder."
"Oh, don't worry about it. That's just great."
"Stop it! We have to conserve! "

I honestly don't know if they feel at all. One of them could be hit by a bus, and their last words would be "Oh, that bus that ran over me? I know my body was ripped in half, but things are .....things are just.......ugh....greeeaaaattt." I just took another one away.

Hiking in Iraq.

As I'm sure some people have heard, two men who were hiking in Iraq and accidentally crossed into Iran were arrested and released this week. They spent two years in an Iranian jail because Iranian border guards had thought they were spies. Now, spending two years in an Iranian jail would be awful I could assume, and it's over the top that someone thinks  you're a spy so you do time, BUT, this doesn't mean that some questions should not be asked.

First, and very important one being, who goes hiking in Iraq? That sentence could also be, "WHO goes hiking in Iraq?" or "Who goes HIKING in IRAQ?" That seems like the place you'd go after you've hiked EVERYWHERE else in the world.
"We've hiked everywhere! We even hiked the bottom of the ocean. What's next?"
"I'll tell you what's next man. Baghdad. Take off your scuba gear. Not needed in the desert."

Who even thinks of traveling to Iraq? Ever see any commercials with people running through a desert, smiling, with soft music playing, then the Voice Over,
"Come to Iraq. You know you want to."
When was the last time you heard someone speak of their great trip to Iraq?

"We just spent two weeks in Tikrit. You must go!  "

I've never heard it.

If for some reason though you decide that you must travel to Iraq, bring a map. If you're not from the Middle East, know where you are going. You'd want to know where you were if you were hiking through the woods! Why? The woods have bears you don't want to run into. The Iraq/Iran border has bears as well, except these bears have guns and are apart of a militia.

"Ooops. Sorry. Is this Iran? We had no idea. No, no, no need for guns sir. By the way Iranian border guards, where are the happy running people we saw in the commercials? Oh, we put on these cuffs and get in that armored truck and you'll drive us to them? Well thanks so much! Slap em on!"

You go hiking in Iraq without a map? And not only is it bad enough you're hiking Iraq, you are hiking the border of Iran? How dangerous do you need to be to live?

"Hey, you want to go white water rafting?"
"Sure! But let's put holes in the boats.  Just white watering rafting is for pussies. I want my life on the line!"

It's funny as well that the Iranian government thought that's what American espionage would be taught to say if they were caught. No suicide pills or fights to the death, just "we're hiking."

"If anyone asks, tell them you're hiking. Of course they'll believe you! People hike in Iraq all the time. It's a huge hiking destination. You'll be bumping into hikers left, right and center. More hikers in Iraq than paper in a confectionary store.  Haven't you heard the song "Break your back to hike in Iraq?" It's a hiking diddy!"

No wonder they got locked up. Nobody anywhere would believe the hiking defense. Even if you stumbled into the back of a post office.
"What are you doing here?"
"Hiking. Can't you see my big stick and bag of granola bars?"
"You're trying to steal mail! That's an offense!"
"No, no. Look at my socks! Grey with red trim. Are these the socks of a thief? I think not, sir. These are hiking socks."

 So why would an Iranian border guard be fine with this?
"What are you doing here? Are you spies?"
"Noo, nooo, of course not. We are hiking. Can't you see my big stick and bag of granola bars? Wait,... are you a mirage? I'm out of water."

You should get some jail time for even thinking about hiking in Iraq. Iraq? People in Iraq don't hike Iraq. Of all the things you could do with some time off.

"Disneyland? Vegas? Atlantic City?"

"Boring, dude. Let's hike where we may hit some land mines."

HIKE IRAQ. Which translates to WALK IRAQ. You want to WALK IRAQ? That's the vacation? The outskirts of Iraq!

Where they were going must have come up in conversation when buying their gear.
"Hiking boots huh? Nice. Where are you guys hiking?"
"Oh, the lovely hiking destination that is border of Iraq and Iran."
"Iraq and Iran?! Really? Oh, how lovely!  Well, once you're done picking out your knapsacks, let me take you down the street to the gun store. Pick up a piece to match your hiking boots."

Their parents didn't say anything? Didn't put up any kind of fight? The night they were packing no one said,
"Hmm, maybe Yosemite would be a good place to hike? There's probably more to see."
"God, mom, we get it. Be careful in Iraq, geez. Lay off a little, huh? We know the safe word. American. We are American. A-M-E-R-I-C-A-N. Red, white and blue sir militia man, which means we can hike where ever we want. Now, where is the McDonalds? We got it. You worry too much, mother. I played tier 2 hockey remember? Piece of American swiss this will be."

If you told someone you were hiking in Detroit, they'd say,
"Detroit? What are you, an idiot?"
These guys say Iraq and everyone around them says, "Have a good time! Bring sunscreen, it's really hot there!"

Alright, I have to go, guys. I'm going to book my parasailing trip to North Korea. I hear the sights are to die for. Or at least be arrested for.

Cell phone companies/call centers

Everyone has a cell phone. We all have them, so the call centers we have to call to get help should be great, right? Right! We're all customers here. But alas, they are just horrible. And I say from experience, not only calling them, but working there as well. I worked at a call center for a cell phone company for one month. My soul screamed every day and threatened to commit suicide. Cubicles, florescent lights, white walls, sad people all around, people who for some reason are happy to be there, and a manager who constantly walks around saying things like, "You miss a hundred percent of the calls you don't take, guys! Pick it up!"
Most people who work in a call center would love to be hit in the face by a meteor. I took the road of calling in sick 4 out of my 5 shifts a week. 


I get it, working there is awful, but calling in is just as awful. These companies do not care. When you have an actual problem with your phone or service, they put you on hold for hours.
"Oh, the buttons blew right off your phone for no reason? Man, too bad. Let me put you on hold for an hour while I connect you to the 'button blow-off' department."
When you want to pay money, though? They're pretty good about answering that call. "Oh, let me take care of that for you. Payment Department? Hahaha, no, we can all except funds. Yeah, anything. Whatever you have, we want it. The other day I accepted teeth a grave robber had dug up. Oh, you're also experiencing reception problems? Eeeeek! Let me put you on hold."


The beginning of the call they try to make it seem as if they have a heart. As if they care about your time.
"We're experiencing a higher-than-normal wait time. Please be patient."
Thanks for the warning, but no, you're not. These are pretty normal. It's always a long wait!  I've never heard,
"Wow! We're experiencing a shorter-than-normal wait time. Apparently everyone else gave up after waiting for two hours and hung up. You're lucky: you're going right in!"
These positive reinforcements keep coming as you wait.

"Please stay on the line. Your call is important to us." 


The part that is cut out of this recording is the snickering that was done right after it was said.
"Your call is important to us. HAHAHAHA."
"Oh, that's funny. Imagine a guy sitting there who has to go out, but also has to talk to us, getting angry, and he hears 'Your call is important to us?' Because, it's totally not! It's like saying it's not you, it's me! I just wish there was a way we could see their faces!"

Just say what should be said.
"Listen, we're upset that you have a problem and had to call. Do you always want to work? Of course not. It's gonna take a while, because the person who should answer this works in a cubicle with florescent lights screaming down on them for 10 hours, so they may have gone to get a Mars bar. And look at that attractive person at the end of their row, who's beside the really unattractive person who thinks this fluorescent-lit, working-in-a-cube thing is a good job. So, just hold the phone, all right?"

Not one cell phone company cares about you, no matter how many smiling dogs or "regular"-looking people they have paid to say "We love the service!" I know actors need jobs, but Jesus. And if these people are actual real humans who just love the service, they should be beaten to death in the mall, right in front of a kiosk while shopping for cell phone covers.

"I love my cell phone provider! I mean, they let me call people! And I'm just like you! You like wearing dress shoes with jeans, right? Me too! So you should get this plan, too. We could be besties! I'm actually going to take everything out of my house, paint it white and just have blue furniture! ... Ummm, what are you doing with those baseball bats?"

 

We get mad at the person who answers the phone. The person who answers the phone gets mad at us. Think of this: this horrible cell phone company has gotten humans to fight each other! We call them and go, "God, you guys in this call center are terrible!" They sit and talk about callers: "Man, the people whocall here are so dumb. I mean, it only took me five weeks of training to find out that you have to hold the on button for exactly five seconds then toss it in the air when it freezes. Why can't they figure it out?"

It's not their fault or our fault! It's the CEO who's golfing on a Condor while drinking expensive wine from Li'l Wayne's hat that we should be mad at. He's the problem! You should be able to call them.

"Press 1 to make a payment. Press 2 if you're having a problem with your service. Press 3 if you would like to speak to the CEO, who is currently bathing in diamonds. Warning, pressing 3 may not mean you will speak with the CEO, but you will hear what it would be like to suds up in forever."

The inventors of these companies should not be heralded as heroes. No roads named after them. Would you name your street after a person who kidnapped you and made you bend to their will? No? Then Ted Rogers doesn't get a road. And yes, he was a Canadian radio pioneer, but his cell phone company destroys that whole legacy.