5 Reasons Piers Morgan Should Be President

Awhile ago, a petition was started to have Piers Morgan deported from America. One hundred thousand people signed it. Of course online petitions don't mean anything, but it's very telling. I would like to go the other way. Not only should he not be deported, he should be the President. Here are some reasons.

"5 Reasons Piers Morgan should be President of the United States"

1. Piers Morgan is not American. Americans hate the American ones.

People complain about every President that has ever been. What's the one thing all the Presidents of the United States have in common? Other than being men. They're all American. That's it. It used to be that they were all white. Not anymore. The one thing is that every single President of the United States has been American. And they have ALL been hated. Maybe some more than others, but every President has large groups of people that hate them. I guess we won't find out if it's because they're American until Piers Morgan is made President.

"It says here that he's American? I hate him already."

2. Piers Morgan is against guns.

That seems like it would be a bad thing in America. A President who was against guns in a nation that is for guns and will kill a President with a gun if he tries to take their guns? Not a good stance to take. Sure, but it's the right one. More guns means more shootings. Why? Because guns only function is too shoot and kill things. If more of them were around, more of that would happen. If every single person had a pen would more writing get done? Exactly. We'd all like to live in an old Western where women can be grabbed, racist comments can be made and card games are stopped because a rough and tumble doggie pulls his gun, resulting in everyone pulling their guns. Doesn't that sound great? Well, grab your time machine. It's not going to happen.

"Why do you need the Hello Kitty gun? Because the Hello Kitty gun doesn't shoot bullets. It shoots fun and entertainment for the whole family! ... Just kidding. This bitch'll kill you.... with bullets."

3. Piers Morgan has a television show. 

George Bush didn't have a television show. Neither did Barack Obama. We had to get to know them. Not the same with Piers. He has had a television show for the last three years. You know what you're getting. You're getting a man with an accent who likes to talk to people. It took eight years to figure out what you were getting from Bush, and we finally did: A man who does a great impression of Will Ferrel doing a great impression of him. Took four years until we found out that Barack is apparently Hitler. With Piers, day one, you know what's up. He's not Hitler. He's not doing a Will Ferrel impression. He's asking questions, with an accent.

"Can YOUR President sell meant cologne? ... Would you like him more if he did? ... I'm shirtless."

4. People say America has problems. Piers Morgan is from outside the problem.

If your car had a problem, how would you try to fix it? By sitting in the car and trying to reach through the windshield to the engine? No. By getting out of the car and taking a look. America is that car. Piers is that stranger outside of it who can take a look. Every other President has come from within the car. They've come from within the car and lo and behold, they can't fix the problems with it. A mechanic doesn't attack the transmission from the glove box. He attacks it from the outside. You get it.

"I'm going to will the car to stop smoking with my mind.... I think it's working."

5. Piers Morgan has an accent.
Some of the best Presidents of all time have had accents. Bill Clinton has an accent. John F. Kennedy had an accent. George Washington probably spoke with at least a lisp or cool whistle or something. You want a good President? Find one with an accent. Who has an accent? British people. Who is a British person? Piers Morgan. The world loves accents. How cool is it when Jason Statham talks? Now picture him not as cool and not able to fight. Still sweet, right? Exactly. Piers Morgan.

"I'll be the first British President! No, it's British. Not Australian. First rule I'll make is anyone who can't tell the difference is banned."

Canada doesn't know much about Canada either.

Canadians get mad at Americans for not knowing anything about us. Can we blame them? We don't care about our own things. Americans don't know anything about our politics, but we know all about theirs. How rude! The least they could do is find out who our Prime Minister is. Sure. But how many Canadians know ANYTHING about our Prime Ministers policies? Do most of us even care? Could a lot of Canadians point out exactly where Medicine Hat is on a map without much thought? I doubt it. And still, we'll get upset when Americans don't know these same things. It doesn't make sense.

Canadians know more about American politics than our own. Why? Because America is a show that Canada watches daily. Everyday, America is on Canadian television. People sit around and talk about what is happening in America. Some conversation happens about what's going on in Canada, but not NEARLY as much as talk about America. Canadians talk constantly about what is happening in America, but get upset when America doesn't know anything about Canada. We don't even spend much time talking about us. Why should anyone else do it?

Most Americans don't know where The Maritimes are, or how far Toronto and Vancouver really are from each other. So what? The Maritimes are a fantastic part of the world. Vancouver is a gorgeous city. Who cares if anyone knows anything about these places!? A lot of people do, and they love it! I don't know anything about Sweden. Pretty much nothing, and that doesn't change how Sweden is. Also, there are people in CANADA who don't know anything about The Maritimes. When I lived in Toronto, people said to me countless times, 'I've been out East. I went to Montreal.' Montreal is not 'out east'. There is a lot more east of that city, but some people in Toronto thought that past Montreal there was just fog. My old manager at a job I worked at said, 'You're from Nova Scotia? Doesn't everybody fuck their cousin out there?' That's people in the country not knowing anything about parts of it. People who are an hour flight away knowing nothing about a part of their own country, and we want another country to know things about it?

If countries were people, America would be Vince McMahon. America is the greatest promoter on the planet. It gets its name to every corner of the world constantly. It tells us this person or that person is the best singer? Then that's what we believe. And Canada hinges a lot on America for that type of thing. We don't big up our own people until America says they're cool, then we'll run right behind them and say, 'Did you know he's from Duck Latte, Saskatchewan? Well he is.' If Justin Bieber had not been discovered by Americans, he wouldn't be close to as big as he is now. Not even in Canada would he be big! Same as Drake. It took American's telling us that they are great to get us to say, 'Yeah! They are! And they're also Canadian!' If Justin Bieber had stayed in Canada he'd be a super talented person who worked during the day at a Roots store. He'd be singing at the grand opening of a mall, then walking into a store to fold shirts.

One reason Americans don't take our stuff seriously? We don't. CANADIANS make fun of Canadian television. CANADIANS. We make fun of our own stuff and we expect other people to pay attention to it? A lot of Canadians don't watch Canadian television simply because it's Canadian. That's it. Not because it's not good. Some Canadian shows have been great. But a lot of Canadians won't watch it simply because it was made in our country. Sometimes, if the same show had been made in America, Canadians would have loved it.
"Ah, god. I'm not watching a show called 'Canadians doing Canadian things'. This is terrible."
"Yeah. It's a weird show. It's about Canadians, but it was made in America."
"Huh. America, eh? I'll give it a shot."
Turn on a TV in Canada. What will you see? Even on Canadian Networks? About 95% of the programming is American shows. Of course we know about America and they don't know about us! We've been stalking them for years!

It's very strange that we want America's approval so bad. Why do we feel we have to be Americas little brother? Always watching what's America is doing, personally hurt when we find out that they don't care about what we are up to. Why does it have to be that way? Canada is an amazing place. It's a beautiful country that I'm happy to be from. Why does it matter whether or not America knows or care about what happens there? WE should care more about it! We should on our own!

America is not going to care about, or know anything about Canada probably ever. One reason is that in America, America is taught to love America. Fine. Other reason? Canada doesn't really care about what it's doing. If you don't care about something you're doing, nobody will. That is how things work. If you don't care about your appearance, nobody else will. If you don't care about something you've created, nobody else will. If you don't believe in what you're saying, people don't pay attention to you. Canada has to care about Canada before Americans will.

Why do we in Canada care what America knows about us? If you knew a bunch about someone in real life, and they didn't know anything about you, would you be mad? No. You'd continue to focus on what you are doing. Who cares what they know about you? It doesn't change anything. We all know a lot about Miley Cyrus. Anyone mad that she doesn't know anything about us?
"I know who Miley Cyrus's dad is, and I've seen her fallopian tubes, and she doesn't even know that I just got a promotion at work?! What a horrible person."
America is not a terrible place for not knowing about Canada. It is what it is. Canada is a beautiful place that should be more into what it is and what it's doing.

Twitter @nathanmacintosh

Strippers don't fully strip in America?

When I was growing up, I would see movies with strip clubs in them where strippers were only topless. I thought nothing of just seeing a topless stripper. I thought that was just the way that strip clubs were.

"A topless woman dancing in a thong, huh? I wonder if that's really how strip clubs are? What am I talking about?! I'm thirteen and stayed up until three in the morning to see this! This is great!"

The first time I went to a strip club I was eighteen and it was in Quebec City. These women were beyond naked. Naked to an insane degree. It was as if I was looking at an X-ray of them. So I figured that the strip clubs in movies and shows like The Sopranos were just for TV and movies. Then I went to a strip club in America, and found out that they exist. Topless-only strip clubs. I thought they were filming something.

"Whoa! Did we walk onto a movie set? Is De Niro in this one?"

"What? No. This is a strip club."

"Oh, I get you. You're reading lines. I'll just step over here. Hey, do you think I could get some background performer money?"

Strip clubs where strippers are only topless. Strip clubs where strippers half strip.

"There goes my bra. Ahh, I don't feel like taking off the rest. I've had a long day! I've been taking it off for hours. Here are tits and legs. Are you REALLY going to complain about this?"

Yes. Yes I am.

It's not that the vagina HAS to be seen; it's just disrespectful to everyone in the building to think that it cannot be dealt with. It's disrespectful to the men who are being told they couldn't contain themselves if one came out, and disrespectful to the women who own them. What are they saying? Something is wrong with it?

"I would like to be a stripper."

"Perfect. Get naked...whoa! Not FULLY naked. I just meant take your shirt off. Wow. You said you wanted to be a stripper, right? Not get a physical. Jesus. Put your pants on and get out. A vagina? With no warning? You just ruined my Tuesday, madam."

There's no reason that a vagina should not be seen in a strip club. Why would we not show them? Are these strippers' vaginas broken? Is that why they have to keep it hidden?

"Ladies and gentleman, due to a terrible 'doing the splits' accident last night that completely shattered her vagina in four places, Lexus's vagina will not be appearing tonight."

"Wow. Four places. I hope it's okay. Glad she didn't crack her breasts swinging on the pole. What would I watch if that happened? I mean, I have to dodge my wife somewhere."

Does a strip club that is just topless entertain anyone? Honestly. Just topless? Is this a grade eight dance? Is Brian McKnight playing?

"I think this girl made a great choice stripping to 'Back at One'. What a lovely song. I'm not going to get a lap dance from her. I'm going to ask her if she wants to slow dance."

A woman taking her top off is not a 'strip club'. It's a college dorm room on a Friday.

"Woooo! I'm taking my shirt off!"

"Oh, God! I thought this was college. I didn't know it was a strip club! Who do I give my money to? Do I have to pay a cover? I'm already inside."

In New Orleans during Mardi Gras, women take their shirts off for beads. Is New Orleans during Mardi Gras a strip club? An open concept strip club?

"You ever been to a strip club that has cars in it before?"

"Naw, it's pretty weird. Where are the strippers?"

"See that girl carrying her heels and throwing up into an Arby's bag?"

"Ah, God. That's terrible."

"Yeah, but it's free, man. Just offer her these beads."

"Whoa! Sweet!"

"Not while she's throwing up! Huh. He'll never make that mistake again."

The explanation I've heard as to why there are no vaginas shown is that 'if strippers took their panties off, men would grab them.' My Jesus, I can't even. I've been to many strip clubs in Canada, and they are almost the quietest places you can go to. Other than 2Chainz pounding, it's pretty silent. Nobody is touching girls. Nobody is even screaming. Men are not looking at strippers with their eyes popping out of their heads. It's men drinking, looking at naked women and barely talking. It's a library with tits.

"Hey, you are gorge..."

"Shhhhh!"

"Oh, sorry. I was just trying to pay you a compliment."

"Well, pay one the way everyone does in here. Look at her while she's dancing as if you are watching taxes being filed."

A lot of women who haven't gone to strip clubs think it's the Wild West in there. Men swinging from chandeliers, punching people, throwing drinks, grabbing women who are walking around. It's not like that at all. It's more like a lot of men paying attention. Men are just like kids. We have pretty short attention spans. You ever see a kid who's freaking out, wanting a toy or a bottle and when they get it they calm down? That's men seeing naked women. And at strip clubs, it's a constant stream of naked women, so we stay calm the whole time.

"Where's that stripper going? What's happening? I don't want to go back to my thoughts! Someone better get naked again in front of me right now or I'll... Oh. Here's another. Ahhhh. Almost started thinking about all of the mistakes I've made."

There are actually some strip clubs in America where women are completely naked, but in places that are all nude, you can't buy alcohol. No alcohol. In a strip club!

"Can I get a Coke? I'm about to get a lap dance, and I want to make sure my thirst is sufficiently quenched beforehand. Actually, do you have a Gatorade? I'm thinking the sight of her ass made me lose some electrolytes."

No alcohol in a strip club where women are naked? How does that make any sense?

"We've got a couple of rules here, but the most important is, if a vagina is out, lock up the booze. If booze is out, lock up the vagina! They cannot occupy the same space."

"What if a bottle of rum falls out of the cupboard when a vagina is out doing its vagina thing?"

"...Then God help us all."

Let's just figure this out here. Guns in America? Cool. Vagina at a STRIP CLUB? Not cool. Assault rifle under your kitchen table just incase an assassin jumps through your window while you are baking a quiche? Cool. A woman taking her clothes off fully at a STRIP CLUB. Not cool. I... don't... understand.

Twitter @nathanmacintosh

The first Obama/Romney debate.

The presidential debates have started. The time when the president has to take time out of running a country to debate a man who wants to take his place. I do not watch reality. I watch these. These are the best reality shows there are. Why? It's because the votes here are for all the marbles, unlike other shows where you vote to see who will win a singing contest or who will eat a June bug.

"Man, I HATE Jason. I'm gonna vote twice for him to have to drink battery acid. That'll teach you, you 'I-love-my-wife-and-kids' piece of trash! Take that family-loving-shit to the OWN network!"

I watched the first debate the other night and here are some of my thoughts on it.

My first thought was – did Mitt have a bet with someone that he could say 'middle class' more times than George Bush said 'freedom'?

"Hey, how many times did Bush say 'freedom' during his presidency?"

"Jesus, I don't know. It'd be easier to tell you how many M&M's are in a gallon jug. Millions?"

"Huh. I bet you I can beat that."

"Sorry, what?"

"I can say 'middle class' more times than he said 'freedom'. Wanna bet pink slips?"

"...Mitt, Jesus... why? This isn't The Fast and the Furious. Plus, middle class people get offended when you say middle class. You have maids, Mitt! Maids! Your name is Mitt! You don't have any idea about the middle class! Your first name is Willard!"

"Hell, middle class. I love middle class more than I love middle class. Middle class? Middle class, middle class. Middle!"

"Mitt, please, tell me you're getting those out now before this debate begins."

"I'd middle love class to, but I'm middle just getting class started."

Everyone has been talking about Barack not really showing up. Barack did act as if he wasn't focused, or at least as though he was tired. Nobody brought up the fact that it was his twentieth anniversary of his marriage to Michelle, though. Michelle and Barack seem to be crazy in love. He was probably tired because he was up all night.

"Michelle, I'd... love to have sex... with you... one more time. But... as you know... I... have a presidential debate... ah,... tomorrow. So... in the best interest of that... annnnd to take my opponent seriously... I believe... I should... drink some water... annnnd get some sleep. I hope that... on our twentieth anniversary... that making love nineteen... ah, times... will suffice."

"Barack, Mitt isn't a problem. Come back to bed."

"Well, it seems as though... new facts... have ahhh, come to light. And with these... new developments, I will, ahhh, get back into bed... annnnd deliver... on this twentieth time."

It had to have something to do with their anniversary. Either having sex or arguing all night about the date it fell on.

"Michelle, now I know... we've been married... for twenty years. Annnd as much as I... would love to take you to dinner... oooor a show... I have... a very important debate... to attend."

"I can't believe this, Barack! We only have one twentieth year anniversary. One! How can you spend it arguing with a soulless white man on national TV!?"

"Michelle... now you know... I love you... annnd the twenty years... we've spent together. But... I have to debate... this soulless man. I have to... be wide awake... annnnd alert. Can we possibly... talk about this... ah... tomorrow?"

"Oh, no, Barack. We canNOT talk about this tomorrow. We will talk about it right now! I don't care if you look like you had a twelve-hour lay over in Dubai! We're gonna talk this out NOW!"

Also, during the debate, why do the debaters not directly address each other? Why? Out of respect? Isn't it much more respectful to address the person you are talking about if they are in the room, much less standing next to you, AND you are debating them?

"Under the president's policies, we are floundering."

"What do you mean 'under the president's policies'? I'm right here! Look me in the face and say, 'Because of YOUR policies. I ain't in the next room. Say it to my face, Mitt!"

Why not address each other? It would be ridiculous if they did this in any other part of their lives.

"Dinner's ready!"

"Well, because of my wife's cooking, the pot roast is burnt. I just don't think her recipe for such a dish is up to par with others on the market."

"I'm in the kitchen with you, Mitt! Can you not just address me? I can't stand this anymore! I know you are getting ready for your debate, but talk to me when you're talking to me! And last night's, 'I just don't think my wife's sexual intercourse is as much on her mind as the families laundry' is not cute. You know we wear clothes once and then throw them in the trash, pouring gasoline on them so that disgusting poor people can't reuse them, Mitt. You know that!"

Once the debate was over, people freaked out about both men lying.

"He lied this many times!"

"Yeah, well, YOUR guy lied this many times!"

As if that's supposed to be something. They're both not going to tell the full truth! That is how this whole thing is done. They can't just be up there telling you everything. That wouldn't be a presidential debate. It would be an episode of Jersey Shore.

"Governor Romney, what are your views on the poor?"

"Poor? 'BEEP' the poor! Pull yourself up by your bootstraps, that is if you have any, you broke pieces of trash. Jesus, is it THAT 'BEEP'ing hard to make two hundred million dollars? The only time I let poor people around me is when I'm paying my 'BEEP'ing gardener, and even then I tell him to go to the end of the driveway, and I shoot his cheque at him from a t-shirt gun. Poor. Please. Get the 'BEEP' out of here."

Personally, I love some of the lies. Especially the stories that each man told about poor, sad women running up to them. They were just these ridiculously sad stories of downtrodden people who came up to them to get the crowd on their side.

"Just yesterday, a woman grabbed my arm and said, 'I have cancer in all of my arms, both of my hands are mechanical, and I am currently on fire. Can you help me?' And the answer is yes, I can help, if I become president. Stay alive long enough to vote and I'll throw some water."

If these actually do happen, why only tell the sad stories? People must not always have sad things to say when they come up to presidential candidates.

"Just yesterday, a woman grabbed my arm and said, 'Hey, there's something in your teeth'. It's that kind of everyone-looking-out-for-everyone America that I want to live in. Vote for me and we'll ALL know when there are things in our teeth."

One thing about the debates that is crazy to me is the fact that they will cut off a third of the president and his opponent onscreen to show you jokes that people have tweeted. Are you serious? Tweets! Over the lower half of a man who is in charge of America and trying to tell you how he is going to run the country for the next four years.

"Let's talk about taxes here for a second. First, I think we need to... wait... what the hell is this? Are you cutting me off to show the tweet of someone from Idaho who's saying that he thinks this debate is less entertaining than a re-run of Captain Planet? What the hell are we doing here! I'm the damn president! I have to deal with this garbage. Am I a 

Kardashian? Is this 'Dancing with the Presidential Debaters'? No! Treat us with some kind of respect!"

In a country that would do this, who cares who is in control? Give it to Romney. Give it to a dishwasher or a Wendy's drive-thru employee. Give it to a tweeter! Funniest tweet about the debater's ties gets you the position of leader of the free world!

"Oh, look at this! Someone made a joke about how this debate is scarier than the movie Paranormal Activity! Why do we show this? It's because this whole damn thing is a joke anyway! Congrats to @wheresmycheerios, you're now in the most powerful position on the planet! Retweet with the hashtag #wanttolendusmoney to help lower the deficit."

Showing tweets during a presidential debate. I bet they wouldn't do that if it were the head of Apple and the head of Samsung debating.

"Are you kidding me? I don't care what @heartcats has to say about the Galaxy 3! Men are talking! This is very important! Whoever wins this debate will determine who – in my circle of friends and thusly me – are complete losers. Go, head of the company whose phone I bought!"

I know that it's fair, but it's funny to me that they decide who speaks first in a presidential debate the same way they determine who goes first in a rap battle. A coin toss. A coin toss to see who speaks first in a debate to see who will be leader of the free world. Who does that coin toss?

"All right, we're gonna do a coin toss to see who will call the other man gay in rhyme form a million times first."

"...What? That's not gonna happen here. This is a presidential debate!"

"Oh, right! Wrong event. I'm doing a coin toss across town at a rap battle after this. Okay, so which one of you fruits wants to call it?"

This is a big deal, so this coin is probably thoroughly inspected. Where does it come from? Is it brand new? It can't just be one from somebody's pocket?

"Coin toss? All right. Let me see what I have here. I've got a nickel from 1984. Will that do?"

"No, no. We need a quarter. I have one right here."

"Whoa, whoa, whoa. A Romney quarter? That's not fair. We need a quarter that neither candidate has touched. What about the moderator?"

"NOPE."

"Fine, I'll call the mint and get them to print a fresh one. But this is ridiculous. I have a nickel right here."

"Drop the nickel, okay?! Just drop it!"

Twitter @nathanmacintosh