Strippers don't fully strip in America?

When I was growing up, I would see movies with strip clubs in them where strippers were only topless. I thought nothing of just seeing a topless stripper. I thought that was just the way that strip clubs were.

"A topless woman dancing in a thong, huh? I wonder if that's really how strip clubs are? What am I talking about?! I'm thirteen and stayed up until three in the morning to see this! This is great!"

The first time I went to a strip club I was eighteen and it was in Quebec City. These women were beyond naked. Naked to an insane degree. It was as if I was looking at an X-ray of them. So I figured that the strip clubs in movies and shows like The Sopranos were just for TV and movies. Then I went to a strip club in America, and found out that they exist. Topless-only strip clubs. I thought they were filming something.

"Whoa! Did we walk onto a movie set? Is De Niro in this one?"

"What? No. This is a strip club."

"Oh, I get you. You're reading lines. I'll just step over here. Hey, do you think I could get some background performer money?"

Strip clubs where strippers are only topless. Strip clubs where strippers half strip.

"There goes my bra. Ahh, I don't feel like taking off the rest. I've had a long day! I've been taking it off for hours. Here are tits and legs. Are you REALLY going to complain about this?"

Yes. Yes I am.

It's not that the vagina HAS to be seen; it's just disrespectful to everyone in the building to think that it cannot be dealt with. It's disrespectful to the men who are being told they couldn't contain themselves if one came out, and disrespectful to the women who own them. What are they saying? Something is wrong with it?

"I would like to be a stripper."

"Perfect. Get naked...whoa! Not FULLY naked. I just meant take your shirt off. Wow. You said you wanted to be a stripper, right? Not get a physical. Jesus. Put your pants on and get out. A vagina? With no warning? You just ruined my Tuesday, madam."

There's no reason that a vagina should not be seen in a strip club. Why would we not show them? Are these strippers' vaginas broken? Is that why they have to keep it hidden?

"Ladies and gentleman, due to a terrible 'doing the splits' accident last night that completely shattered her vagina in four places, Lexus's vagina will not be appearing tonight."

"Wow. Four places. I hope it's okay. Glad she didn't crack her breasts swinging on the pole. What would I watch if that happened? I mean, I have to dodge my wife somewhere."

Does a strip club that is just topless entertain anyone? Honestly. Just topless? Is this a grade eight dance? Is Brian McKnight playing?

"I think this girl made a great choice stripping to 'Back at One'. What a lovely song. I'm not going to get a lap dance from her. I'm going to ask her if she wants to slow dance."

A woman taking her top off is not a 'strip club'. It's a college dorm room on a Friday.

"Woooo! I'm taking my shirt off!"

"Oh, God! I thought this was college. I didn't know it was a strip club! Who do I give my money to? Do I have to pay a cover? I'm already inside."

In New Orleans during Mardi Gras, women take their shirts off for beads. Is New Orleans during Mardi Gras a strip club? An open concept strip club?

"You ever been to a strip club that has cars in it before?"

"Naw, it's pretty weird. Where are the strippers?"

"See that girl carrying her heels and throwing up into an Arby's bag?"

"Ah, God. That's terrible."

"Yeah, but it's free, man. Just offer her these beads."

"Whoa! Sweet!"

"Not while she's throwing up! Huh. He'll never make that mistake again."

The explanation I've heard as to why there are no vaginas shown is that 'if strippers took their panties off, men would grab them.' My Jesus, I can't even. I've been to many strip clubs in Canada, and they are almost the quietest places you can go to. Other than 2Chainz pounding, it's pretty silent. Nobody is touching girls. Nobody is even screaming. Men are not looking at strippers with their eyes popping out of their heads. It's men drinking, looking at naked women and barely talking. It's a library with tits.

"Hey, you are gorge..."

"Shhhhh!"

"Oh, sorry. I was just trying to pay you a compliment."

"Well, pay one the way everyone does in here. Look at her while she's dancing as if you are watching taxes being filed."

A lot of women who haven't gone to strip clubs think it's the Wild West in there. Men swinging from chandeliers, punching people, throwing drinks, grabbing women who are walking around. It's not like that at all. It's more like a lot of men paying attention. Men are just like kids. We have pretty short attention spans. You ever see a kid who's freaking out, wanting a toy or a bottle and when they get it they calm down? That's men seeing naked women. And at strip clubs, it's a constant stream of naked women, so we stay calm the whole time.

"Where's that stripper going? What's happening? I don't want to go back to my thoughts! Someone better get naked again in front of me right now or I'll... Oh. Here's another. Ahhhh. Almost started thinking about all of the mistakes I've made."

There are actually some strip clubs in America where women are completely naked, but in places that are all nude, you can't buy alcohol. No alcohol. In a strip club!

"Can I get a Coke? I'm about to get a lap dance, and I want to make sure my thirst is sufficiently quenched beforehand. Actually, do you have a Gatorade? I'm thinking the sight of her ass made me lose some electrolytes."

No alcohol in a strip club where women are naked? How does that make any sense?

"We've got a couple of rules here, but the most important is, if a vagina is out, lock up the booze. If booze is out, lock up the vagina! They cannot occupy the same space."

"What if a bottle of rum falls out of the cupboard when a vagina is out doing its vagina thing?"

"...Then God help us all."

Let's just figure this out here. Guns in America? Cool. Vagina at a STRIP CLUB? Not cool. Assault rifle under your kitchen table just incase an assassin jumps through your window while you are baking a quiche? Cool. A woman taking her clothes off fully at a STRIP CLUB. Not cool. I... don't... understand.

Twitter @nathanmacintosh

The Pope. He's out!

The pope has retired. He is the first pope in six hundred years to step down. It's a job that you are supposed to die at. Die. You are supposed to be the pope until you die. And that's actually die. Drop dead. Not just lose your soul, ability to feel and love after working in a call center day after day, after day.

"I think I need out of this job. I've been answering the phone here and getting yelled at for eight straight years now. I honestly don't know if I have any emotions left."

"Dead inside, huh? I hear ya. There's no getting out of here that way, though. They actually like it if you are without a soul anymore. Makes you a more efficient worker. Actually, you could get a promotion!"

"If they give me a promotion, I'm promoting myself all the way to hell."

You are supposed to die as pope while driving around in the pope-mobile feebly waving at people who believe in you, or kick the bucket while saying that gays are ruining the world.

"And God said... agh! My heart! It must be some queer clogging up my arteries. You killed me, gays! You did!"

But this pope has just said that he "doesn't feel up to it." That seems like a pretty holy thing to say. "Agh, don't feel like it." In a job that you are supposed to die doing, how can you resign? Wouldn't resigning from a job you are supposed to die in be killing yourself?

"I'm resigning as a father."

"You're a father no matter what you do. You'll be a good one or a bad one. How the hell are you going to resign?"

"I don't know. Rope. Running my car in the garage. A rusty coke can. I haven't decided yet, but I'm resigning."

What is the procedure to pick a new pope? Voting? A secret ballot system? Maybe there should be an American Idol type contest.

"Last week, we saw Xavier XVL put on the pope mitre in just forty five seconds. This week? Can he pretend to not see this priest touch this young boy? We'll soon find out and then throw the voting to you!"

In order for there to be a new pope, the preceding pope usually has to have died. The pope is sort of like the Highlander. There can only be one. Assuming the other pope is dead, a bunch of cardinals sit in a room, then they and God vote on the next pope. Yes, God. This is paraphrasing, but this is what I could find. God decides on the next pope, but I guess just because they would get bored sitting there waiting for God, the cardinals fill out ballots to vote.

"So, what, we just sit here until he decides?"

"Yes. He'll give us a sign."

"Ah, man. Well, can we do something until then? Cards? Dominoes? You wanna know who I like for pope? I was thinking that Celestine would be pretty good."

"Pretty good?"

"Yeah. He's old. He's white. He looks good in a blanket. He can wave. I think he's got it."

I don't truly understand this man. He's God's right hand man? He was chosen to be the head of the Catholic Church because he sees God more than the next guy?

"God came to me three times yesterday."

"Only three? I slept with him, then we made eggs in the morning."

"...Huh. Well, I guess you get the hat."

Apparently, the pope is the pastor of the universal church. You know, if you went to Mars and wanted to go repent? The pope is the pastor of the church on that surface as well.

"Took me a long time to get here! Does the pope ever come by?"

"...He's eighty-five. Do you really think he has it in him to travel through space? I'm assuming one of your sins is mocking the pope."

"...Yes, father."

This pope had a pretty intense Christmas message this year. Along with other things, he said that, "Gay marriage was a threat to humanity and world peace." Not only is this over the top, this is also a very long Christmas message. 'Merry Christmas'. 'Happy Holidays'. Those are my ideas of Christmas messages. You're supposed to say the pope's message to a cashier after you buy something?

"Here's your change, sir. Have a good day."

"Thank you. Gays are a threat to humanity and world peace!"

"...I'm really happy you are on your way out."

A message to the world at Christmas time shouldn't be something that is in a hate group's manifesto. Maybe one day they'll change their minds about gay people the same way they changed their minds about condoms and purgatory.

"You know what? I now think gay people are good. To show them I mean it, I'm going to bedazzle this hat even more!"

The pope doesn't like gay people but dresses as if he does. Has he ever noticed the gaudy things that he wears? Not that gay people would wear any of it, but I mean – straight men for sure wouldn't either.

"I couldn't find my jersey for the game tonight, so I just wrote 'Go Devils' on this sheet."

"...Are you going to wear the jeweled scarf too? And the tall embroidered hat?"

"Yeah! Doesn't it bring the whole outfit together? Weird question, but can you put my shoes on for me? I can't see my feet in this thing."

How could he not like gay people but then wear things that look like he fell through a drag queen's thrift store? It seems the more outlandish you dress the more power you seem to have. The pope, Lady Gaga, Prince. Nobody wearing a plaid shirt is going to command the same amount of power.

"I believe that we should all worship the trees."

"Are you wearing a shirt that I could buy at H&M?"

"Yeah. So? What does that have to do wit..."

"Let's stop following this guy!"

The pope shouldn't be thought of as holy. He didn't fall out of the sky. He's just a regular man who was put in that position. If the next pope falls out of the sky, THAT guy should be revered.

"Hey, guys. I'm here."

"Whoa! Did you just fall from the sky?!"

<ZAP>

"Anybody else want to be vaporized for asking stupid questions?"

Twitter @nathanmacintosh

Blowing your nose in public. No.

There are many things that are frowned upon to do in public. Scratching your business. Spitting. Reading People Magazine.

"Oh… my... God... Is that woman looking at a Best and Worst Dressed List? Ugh. I think I'm gonna throw up."

Honestly, I cannot understand why blowing your nose is not one of those things. Since I was a kid, it has been something that has always rubbed me the wrong way. I don't think it was a traumatic experience, but it could have been.

"Happy tenth birthday, Nathan! Blow out your candles!"

<Nose blowing>

"Uncle Jim!?"

"Ah, God. Sorry, Nathan. You'll be happy to know that I wished for this cold to go away. I blew out all ten, so I hope it comes true."

I have never liked it, though, and I can't understand why we let it happen out there.

Seriously, how did blowing your nose get above cleaning your ears as something you're allowed to do in public? How? If you see someone with a Q-tip in their ear on a bus, you think they're disgusting.

"Wow. You couldn't do that at home, you piece of garbage? I bet you harass women. Yeah, keep cleaning your ears as if you can't hear me say this all in my head while I stare at you and pretend to read this paper. KEEP CLEANING!"

When people clean their ears, would you even know that it was happening if you weren't staring at them? Cleaning your ears doesn't make any noise. For sure not a noise that is used for comedic effect in movies like 'Must Love Dogs'.

"So, Susan, where did you say you went to school?"

(<Nose blowing>)

"Huh. Never heard of it. Is that an elephant sanctuary?"

"No... agh... I went to (<nose blowing>)"

"Huh? That's a weird school chant. Must be hard to yell during games. I went to Alabama. Roll damn tide!"

Another thing you can't do in public? Floss or brush your teeth. If you see someone flossing their teeth in public, you assume that they just got a divorce.

"Man. Poor guy. Do you think he got to keep the house?"

"He's picking his teeth with a newspaper he found on the seat beside him. Safe to say, probably not."

"Do you think his kids hate him?"

"He's picking his teeth with the business section. He hates him."

You can't brush your teeth in public. We would look at someone crazier for doing that in public than blowing his or her nose. Does that make sense?

"Is that guy cleaning his mouth? Wow. If that's not Alec Baldwin, that guy is a piece of trash. Did this guy at the table beside me just blow some of his brain onto a Chipotle receipt? Bless him. Bless him and his nose blowing ways. Hey, tooth-brusher! Take that to an alley, you animal! My kids are here, for God's sake!"

We don't like people cutting their nails in public. Why? Is it because it's gross that a piece of their body could fly all over the place? Yeah? That's the same as blowing your nose! Oh, wait. People blow their nose into a gross piece of tissue paper that they keep in their pocket. That's what makes it okay, right? What if someone cut his or her nails in public under a napkin? Would it be okay then?

"Ummm, why are you taking your shoes off?"

"Man, one of these nails is driving me crazy! Don't worry. I'm gonna clip into this Applebee's serviette. I mean, I'm not a maniac or anything! (<Clip>) Aren't you going to say 'bless you'? I can't believe how some people can be so rude. Enjoy the rest of your day, non-bless-you person... Can you pass me that shoe?"

If you are going to do it, it should never happen beside strangers on crowded public transportation. Beside people you don't know? There's too much that can go wrong.

"Well, I'm really jammed in here. There's a person directly beside me and this guy is almost on my lap. As good a time as any to clear my nasal passages."

<Nose blowing>

"Sorry about that. I had no idea that the tissue would rip and spray all over your work pants."

"Don't worry about it, man. Since we as a society deemed blowing your nose in public okay, I'm sure it doesn't carry any bacteria. Feel better soon, and if you want, next time? Just blow your nose right on my pants."

"Thank you, kind sir."

"Oh, please. Thank you for giving me the ability to say 'bless you'. I'm now a mini hero."

What the hell is wrong with you? Are you a member of the mob? A Lohan? Why is this something you feel is okay? You would think it was only done by diplomats.

"Hello, sir. Welcome to America. Park anywhere you would like to."

"Thank you. I was also told by your president that I can shoot mucus from my face in public if I so choose."

"Oh yeah? I'm allowed to do that. Am I a diplomat?"

"Can you kill anyone you want and get away with it?"

"...No. No I can't."

"Bless you."

I've only heard one argument as to why people should blow their nose in public.

"I'd rather someone blow their nose than have to see snot on their face."

Why the hell are you hanging out with people who have no idea what is happening with their face?

"You know, I just don't think people take me seriously?"

"Yeah... about that. Look, I didn't want to say anything, but you've had a thin film of mucus on your face for the last fifteen years. I'm cool with it, but others? I mean, you know."

"I have?" (<Touches face for the first time in fifteen years>) 

"I have! Oh, man. I had no idea. I've gone on dates! I've been to funerals! People must have thought I'm insane!"

"Or just a homeless person who has lost their mind due to not having everyday conversations. Either way, now you know."

Who do you know like this? Are you having really deep conversations with children?

"I just don't know if I can take out a second mortgage, you know? There's got to be a better way."

"Give me blocks! I want juice! Where are my pants?!"

"Exactly. Who's going to give ME blocks? At least I know where my pants are."

Twitter @nathanmacintosh