Dirty and Clean

When I first started doing comedy, I wouldn't swear on stage. I didn't want to. There were things I didn't want to talk about, I always wore a dress shirt, and I never swore. Offstage? I swore, didn't only wear dress shirts, and I had opinions on everything! I decided that I wanted to be more me on stage, so that meant taking my actual thoughts on with me, not just things I came up with.

Too many times, I've seen things written about comedy that says things such as, "Clean comedy is the way to go. It's easy to get a laugh with swearing. It's much harder to get a laugh without."

Is it really that easy to do? To just swear on stage and get a laugh? A real heartfelt laugh? There aren’t too many places you can just go up and swear into a mic and have people laughing.

"Ohhh, man. This is great! He's saying all the things I think when someone cuts me off!"

Is it easier to do what Chris Rock does than what Brian Regan does? They are both hard! Look at The Simpsons and South Park. Simpsons are hilarious. South Park? Same. Is South Park funny just because they swear? No! They are smart and on point. That show has been amazing over the last few years.

Any time someone writes about how it is hard to be clean, the comments underneath these writings are always pretty entertaining.

"That's right! You keep doing what you do! Too many people out there just swearing and being dirty for the sake of it. Nice to see a clever, funny person out there not resorting to being filthy."

First of all, to me, being completely clean is in some ways offensive on its own. People like to think, "You can't offend people by being clean." Um, yeah you can! If you are not being entertaining, it's offensive. If you are being fake, it's offensive. If you are saying, "Some guy cut me off and I put my head out the window and said, ‘Hey! Watch where you're going, you penis enjoyer!’" – I can tell you, I am offended.

The word 'clever' should make most adults puke. Clever? Clever should only ever be used to describe smart five year olds.

"Oh, look at you? Colored in the whole picture by yourself with water-paints? You're very clever. And you! Thirty-five year old man who says fudge instead of swearing! Very clever indeed."

I have a strong feeling towards this because I battle with this all the time. Should I swear? Should I not swear? I have apologized to people after shows for swearing. Apologized! When I think of that, that is much more disgusting than actually swearing in my mind. I have these crazy thoughts that when I swear sometimes, someone goes home, sits in a corner of their house and cries.

"I can't believe what I just heard. Why would he say that?! He ruined my Thursday night, thus ruining the rest of the weekend because it will take at least three days to get over this! WHY!?"

I know. Insane, huh? Why is this, though? Because when I was growing up, very early on, I was labeled a good kid. I was a quiet, do-my-homework kind of kid. Then when I started to get older, I became more outgoing, started to question things, and found more of my actual voice instead of the one I was supposed to have for school.

What's funny is – clean comedy still has to make itself sound as if it's edgy comedy. Look at any comedy special from a clean comedian. Tries to make it sound as if they're knocking down boundaries.

"Look out, grocery stores! Nothing is sacred here in this one hour special. Two-for-one pineapples, pocket lint, spare change. Buckle up! You've never heard someone take down shopping carts like this!"

I've been in many conversations where someone will say with an air of royalty, "Well, I don't have to swear to be funny." 

Good for you, hero. We are all proud of you. You did make a hilarious quip about what a doorknob would say, though, if it could talk. I'd assume there's not much room for swearing in that.

"Ever wonder what a doorknob would say if it could talk? Probably 'stop turning my fucking face!' All right, goodnight Toledo!"


Swearing is needed in some situations. Needed. No one has ever heard the phrase,
"Ahhh, intercourse me harder!"
Never. You've never heard that. And if you do hear it, run! Run out of that room. You are about to be murdered. How gross does the word "intercourse" sound? It sounds as though you are about dissect someone.
"Well, I have my formaldehyde, polymer gloves, I believe I'm ready to intercourse this frog."
"...Um, I think the term you are looking for is 'dissect'."
"Ewww! 'Dissect'? The word sex is almost in there! I'm going to have sex with this frog? No. Intercourse it. God. Keep your mind out of the gutter."
"But intercourse means sex."
"STOP TALKING DIRTY WHILE I AM HOLDING A DEAD FROG!"


Rap music doesn't need swearing, but the songs that have swearing, need that swearing. There's nothing sadder than listening to a song that can hype you up, only to have half of it cut out.
"Gonna take over the world, me and my girl, gonna 'beep' 'beep' the 'beep' 'beep' 'beep 'beep' 'beep' 'beep' Arby's drive-thru, yea you know how we do! Me and my crew, just 'beeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeep'."

I have never heard anyone say, "I don't have to be clean to be funny." Why is clean comedy the top of the top? Why can't smart comedy be? No matter how it is conveyed, why is it not what is looked upon?
"You know, that guy didn't swear, and made a bunch of noises for an hour."
"I know! It was great! That other guy swore and talked about politics in a very enlightening way. God. Terrible. I mean, throw a beep or a boink in there at least."
"I know, man. I know. Hopefully one day he'll learn."

I talked to someone once who was reading a book about being a comedian. There was a chapter that was "Don't work dirty." The person I was talking to said, "Yeah, you should work clean because you can reach a wider audience."

Can you? You can reach a different audience. Probably some of the same people in both. Do you think that Guns N’ Roses were upset that they had a different audience than Air Supply?

"Man, millions of people want to see us, but we don't get to do ANY shows in the afternoon to neutered adults."

"I know, right! I have already started re-writing our songs. How about, "Welcome to the bungalow, we've got buns and flames?"

"Hmmm, I like it, but people might think that we mean a woman's behind if we say 'buns'."

"Dammit! You're right! I guess we’ll just play to tons of adoring fans all over the world at NIGHT time. Geez."

"I know, I know. It'll be okay. Don't cry. We'll write a children's book."
"(sniff sniff)...You...you promise?"
"...I promise."

The only reason it makes me upset, is because there's no grey area. It's just dirty or clean.

"Well, he's clean. And you're dirty."

So, wait, because I swear a bit, I'm in the same category as Andrew Dice Clay? Does that make any sense? We don't do this in any other facet of life. 

"Your honor, he has thirty five unpaid parking tickets. CLEARLY, he is as bad as Hitler."

"You are right. Any infraction puts you in the level of dictators. Life in prison without parole."

I've heard many people say as well,

"Well, I just don't think you need to swear to be funny."

Yeah, you're right, you don't need to swear. We are throwing the word need in there? You don't NEED a lot of things. You don't NEED to have audio in movies. They used to make silent movies. Let's do it again! You don't NEED round tires on a car. Sure, it'll be a little weird at first, but you can get down the street on your square tires.

Some people will go out of their way to say, "Oh, I guess this crowd just wants dirty material."

Why! Maybe they just want some material with feeling! Maybe you don't have any heart in your stuff about lozenge wrappers.

"By the time I got it open, my throat was so red – Conservatives wanted seats in it! ...Crickets, huh? Well, I didn't swear."

Most people swear in real life as well. There are people who don't swear at all and that's fine. But to try to say that people shouldn't swear on stage is just disgusting. You are taking art away from people. If swearing weren’t allowed, there'd be no rap music, no George Carlin, not even movies like The Big Lebowski or Goon. Do we know how good all of these things are? It's funny to me that no matter how dirty Andrew Dice Clay got; he never had one sexual harassment charge against him. Bill Cosby has had two. Two! Would we rather people be clean on stage and dirty in real life?

"God, I really don't like his act. It's so vile! Nice guy, though. THAT guy’s act is so clean and nice. He did grope me in a parking lot, but I mean, he doesn't swear on stage, so it's okay. That swearing guy? What an animal!"

Steve Jobs.

When Steve Jobs died, I thought, "Oh, that's interesting. I had no idea that was coming." Then I watched TV coverage and saw that people were crying and putting up shrines. Shrines! I then thought, "Did I miss the great music that Steve had put out? Are there some really heartfelt songs sung by him that I should have heard?"

"Oh my God! I can't believe he's gone! I loved his song "Charge It Up". Miss you, Steve!"

But no. No songs.

Steve Jobs died and everyone freaked out.

"He's gone?! But I haven't MET him yet!"

When he died, everyone talked about him and his face was everywhere.

"Did you hear about Steve Jobs?"

"You mean that guy? The man whose picture is fifty feet tall and everywhere?"

"Yeah! Have you heard?"

Before that? I never heard anyone talk about him. Before he died, I was never in a situation where somebody talked about how great Steve Jobs was.

"Do you understand how unbelievable Steve Jobs is?"

"Who? The Mac guy?"

"The Mac guy? Do you have any respect at all?! He designed the Mac!"

"...Yeah, I know. That's why I said the Mac g..."

"He DESIGNED the MAC! God, what's wrong with you? Can you at least turn up my Steve Jobs machine so I can hear my music from Steve JobsTunes?"

 

Watching the news coverage, you would have thought another war was breaking out.

"Why are these guys crying in front of the Apple store?"

"I don't know. But I can only assume that it's because Apple has declared war on Windows. There will be a lot of genius casualties in this one."

I couldn't believe that people put shrines out infront of Apple stores. Shrines? For a man who designed a device? That seems far. People wouldn't even put up shrines for their own parents. Your own mom would barely get a good eulogy, but you have to take those flowers down to the Apple store and put them outside.

"Oh, Steve. You were great. Thank you for allowing me to not carry CDs anymore. I can now listen to Ginuwine’s entire catalogue with comfort and ease."

"Those flowers say: "God Bless You, Mom".

"Umm, yeah, well, I'm sure God will get the message either way. These are for Steve now!"

 

People put shrines out infront of stores that he didn't even work at! He wasn't a cashier at these places.

"Excuse me, Genius? What was Steve like? Did you work with him yesterday?"

"I have actually never met the man."

"Oh, you guys worked different hours, huh? I see."

 

If someone ever cures cancer, that guy won't get shrines the way that Steve Jobs did. That man wouldn't get this kind of respect.

"Ladies and gentleman, I would like to let you know that I have found a cure for cancer! Your families, loved ones, and future generations will not have to worry about this horrible disease anymore!"

"Whatever, man! Did you help Steve Jobs?"

"..Um, yes. He is no..."

"Shut up! Where is Steve?! We want to hear from Steve!"

"He, um, he's still recovering from the..."

"Steve! Steve! Steve! Steve! He's more important than you! All you did was make it possible for my mom to live longer. Steve made it possible for me to take a picture of her and turn it into a cartoon! Steve! Steve! Steve!"

 

There were a lot of pictures shown of Steve Jobs at the time, most of them pretty similar. A lot of him looking at a camera, while wearing his trademark black turtleneck and white shoes, with a look on his face that almost said,

"Yes. This is what the leader looks like. Don't I kinda look like Jeff Goldblum without hair?"

It's funny that if you design technology, you can wear the same thing all the time. The world lets you get away with it.

"Hasn't he been wearing those sandals and overalls for two straight weeks?"

"Yeah, but he is building a rocket out of pop cans."

"Ooohhh. He's a genius. Good for him."

No one else can get away with wearing the same thing all the time. If you read about a murderer who always wore the same thing – that would totally make sense to you.

"Yeah, he ALWAYS had on white shoes and a black turtleneck. I can completely believe that there are seventy-five women stacked in this closet. I mean, he had the room in there. There are no clothes! Right?! Haha... too soon?"

 

Also, there were way too many young people in front of these stores crying. Look, if you didn't have to deal with dial-up, you have no business crying about Steve Jobs. People who heard dial-up should be crying that a man who helped take us far away from that terrible noise is no longer with us.

"I can't believe he's gone... I can still hear my son booting up his computer to slowly search porn sites that don't actually give you any movies for free. BAAAAHHHHH, BEDO, BEDO, BEDO! Just terrible. It went off even when the sound wasn't on your computer! What the hell was wrong with that demon sound!"

 

People crying I don't understand. You paid tons of money for these products. He was handsomely rewarded for his work. HANDSOMELY. To work five months to save up for something you really don't need, then cry when the man who designed it dies? I could see maybe if you stole it.

"I left the store with an iPad in my jeans by accident! When I went home, used it for three weeks, found out that I loved it and should pay for it, I came back with the money and you were dead! Not fair, world! Someone put this money in his grave! PUT IT IN HIS GRAVE!"

 

Can we be honest here? Steve Jobs really created a reality where no one can now have empty hands. People just can't do it! Have to be holding something. If it's not the iPhone, it's the iPad. Not the iPad? How about an iPod? If it's none of these, it's a charger in both hands – running around trying to find these things.

"Come on iEverything, where are you?! I can't go outside without music, I can't even open the door without checking the weather on my iPhone, and how the hell can I sit on the train without playing a game on my iPad?! My hands are starting to rela... No! No!"

  

Steve Jobs helped create annoying things and take people out of the moment. He didn't set out to do that, obviously. That would be Dr. Robotnik evil.

“I will create a device that makes it so people never truly enjoy a moment again! Haha! Then, I will destroy Sonic and his friend Knuckles!”

He didn't set out to do it, but he did aid this process. There are no moments anymore. Nobody is truly anywhere that they actually are. Not in North America, anyway.

"That was funny! I have to take a picture of it, tweet it to people, and let them know!"

"Why can't you just enjoy it here and now?"

"Ugh, God. What are you? From 2004? I'm texting someone right now to let them know you're an idiot."

 

Steve Jobs also gave us no time to even enjoy the products that he put out. When something came out, people would run out and buy it – and on the receipt for what they had bought, there would be an ad for the newest version coming out.

"Thanks so much! I can't wait to use this! Wait, what's this on my receipt?"

"Oh, that's an ad for the newer version of what have just bought! Comes out tomorrow! Yours will be useless!

"But... I just bought it. It just came out."

"It did... a full month ago. It's old school now! You can tell people you’re old school."

"Sir, your school is so old, Dee Snider is in grade two there."

Do people always cry when someone who makes a popular device dies? Did people cry when Philo Farsworth – who invented the TV – died? I bet not. Anyone cry in their powdered wig when Thomas Edison died?

"Hey! Have you heard that Thomas Edison died?"

"The man who made it possible for me to see you in my house at night without lighting a candle or an oil lamp?"

"Yes! That one!"

"Hmmm. Damn shame. Can you turn that light off when you leave? My power bill is going to be as big as the buckles on my shoes."

Steve Jobs was Chief Executive of Pixar Animation Studios. He was also a member of the board of directors for Walt Disney, a philanthropist, and he was raised by a single mother. All of this is great to me, and Steve Jobs has obviously done some amazing things. I just don't think anyone should be worshipped this way. We all already worship the devices he put in our hands.

Coca Cola/Soda Pop. Open Happiness?

Coca Cola is something we all have had. Since we were kids, it's been something we have wanted to drink, something that has been shown to us on TV, and something we have craved for reasons we don't even know. We've all had it as kids, unless you had parents who didn't have it around at all.

"Kevin! Get that out of the house! Now eat this eggplant and drink this tomato juice."

"But mom! The other kids are all drinking Coke!"

"There are no other kids, Kevin! We live in the woods and I homeschool you!"

The reason I am only really talking about Coca Cola is because they are the biggest company. Even when Pepsi does advertise, their entire campaign is always just, "We taste better than Coke." I mean all pop/soda in general, but Coca Cola has to be one of the worst things that this planet has ever seen as far as human health goes.

Coca Cola’s slogan does not represent that, though. What do they go with? What is the beautiful marketing campaign that they decide to throw on the world? 

"Open Happiness."

Happiness. Open happiness! The gall! The arrogance! How are best friends, anti-depression pills and therapists still in existence when happiness is just a plastic bottle away?

"Ya know, I just can't seem to not be depressed. I was fired from my job because I was spending too much time with my wife. Then, my wife left me for my job. No joke. She is now sleeping with my copy-editing job. You believe that? I'm just so sad."

"Unhappy, huh? Well, open this Coca Cola. You will literally be opening happiness."

"Oh, wow! I feel great! Joy is surging through me! This is amazing! Is this as expensive as you are?"

"God, no, actually waaaaaay cheaper. I am two hundred an hour. The Coca Cola is one dollar."

"One dollar! Holy hell! You're fired! Thanks, 'wife-left-me-for-my-job' forgetting-liquid!"

"...I have to stop telling people about Coke BEFORE I get paid. Oh well, I'll just have a sip... yep, I'm back! Happiness right here!"

You ever see someone pushing a cart full of two liter Cokes? How happy does that guy look? Sweating and panting through an air-conditioned grocery store pushing something that's on wheels. Look how happy he is! He should be in the commercials!

"Ah, I am the happiest person <inhales puffer> on the planet. I have twelve bottles of… <takes insulin needle> Agh! Twelve bottle of Coca Cola, and I couldn't be happier. You should all buy... " <Collapses on the floor. Doctors run in.>

"He's not breathing!"

"Get me a defibrillator!"

"Clear!"

<Doctors put the defibrillator to his chest. Man is jarred awake.>

"...Agh! Should all buy Coke! I know I'll keep doing it! Open Hap..." <Man passes back out.>

"That's it, we've lost him."

Voice Over: "Open Happiness!"

Coke knows, though, that that guy won't sell product, so what do they do? Beautiful women are shown drinking Coke. Cute kids are shown drinking Coke. Or – even better than that – polar bears! That is an ingenious way of marketing.

"Wait, we can't show HUMANS drinking this. Are you serious? It's terrible!"

"All right, all right. What about an animal drinking it!? People love animals! What about... polar bears?"

"Are you insane? Polar bears are going extinct! We can't give them carbonation. That'll be it for them!"

"Oh, you're right. People will never buy our product if we're killing polar bears with it. Wait! I got it! How about computer-generated polar bears?"

"...Wow. Now THAT'S why you were voted Most Evil at the Annual Billionaire Awards."

"That and kicking baby seals... hahhaha!"

"HAHAHHAH!"

Coke Cola is a 'Proud Sponsor of the Olympics'. The Olympics! Ahead of broccoli and water? Coke! A commercial will show a guy just crush a hundred meter dash, beating his previous record, then drink Coke. As soon as that commercial is done, you know his trainer is screaming.

"Spit that garbage out! Are you crazy!? We have a real race tomorrow!"

A baseball league full of ten year olds can run on Coke. An Olympic athlete? Not one trainer would have that as part of a regimen.

"What are we doing today, coach?"

"Couple of laps, few sit ups, and polish off that two liter."

"Umm... you know we're competing against pros, not Joes, right?"

"Do you know that I'M the trainer? DRINK THAT HAPPY COKE!"

Coca Cola also likes to go on about how refreshing it is. There is no way someone can tell me that Coca Cola is 'refreshing'. Refreshing? No way. Has anyone ever finished a marathon and reached for a Coke?

"Oh, God. I never thought that race would be over. My mouth is so dry. Where is one of the most sugary, carbonated beverages in the land to help quell this thirst?"

"Really?"

"Yeah. I said 'my mouth is dry'. I need refreshment. REFRESHMENT. What would you suggest if not a black liquid for such a predicament?"

"...Water? Or even Coke’s cousin..."

"THERE'S NO SUGAR IN WATER! REFRESHMENT!"

Coca Cola is cheaper than drugs and just about as addictive. The government decided that cigarettes were no good for adults or children for that reason. Way too addictive and easily obtained by people. What did they do? Put them behind a cabinet.

"If people can't see them, they won't want them!"

"Hey, can I have some cigarettes? I can't see them, but I'm addicted and therefore know they exist."

Coca Cola should be in a cabinet, too. It'll kill people! If we can't sell cigarettes to people without ID for fear it would hurt their health, we should have to check people’s medical history before they can buy Coke.

"What's behind that cabinet, sir?"

"Coke... if you want one, I'm gonna have to see your medical history."

"Here you go. <cough cough>"

"Says here you constantly have headaches and have trouble walking. Come on, buddy. Don't worry about what's back there. Can't help you."

I will never let my kids drink Coca Cola. When I have a kid one day, if I see them drinking one, I will boot the Coke out of their hand.

"Oww. Dad! Why did you do that?"

"You'll thank me when you can still breathe correctly at forty-two."

Coke profits by hurting and capitalizing on poor people. Do you think the people in charge of Coke are drinking Coke? Do you think rich people are drinking Coke? 
"Can you pick me up a Coke when you're in the Louis Vuitton store?"

"A Louis Vuitton Coke?"

"They have those!?"

"Oh, I hope so! I just got myself excited!"

I know that people will say, "If you don't like it, don't drink it." I don't, but that's not the point. People will also say, "Well, of course it's bad for us. If you drink a lot and get sick, that's your problem. Stop drinking it!" Why has Coke and things that are bad for us been able to make people who have no stake in the company defend them? Why always, "Stop drinking it, tubby!" Why aren’t there more arguments of, "Coke’s the problem. Let's burn the factory down! There is nothing good about it!" I can't be mad that poor, unhappy people buy a product that is marketed directly to them and sold at a price that is lower than dirt. I can however be mad at the company that makes it. 

Twitter- @nathanmacintosh