5 Reasons Piers Morgan Should Be President

Awhile ago, a petition was started to have Piers Morgan deported from America. One hundred thousand people signed it. Of course online petitions don't mean anything, but it's very telling. I would like to go the other way. Not only should he not be deported, he should be the President. Here are some reasons.

"5 Reasons Piers Morgan should be President of the United States"

1. Piers Morgan is not American. Americans hate the American ones.

People complain about every President that has ever been. What's the one thing all the Presidents of the United States have in common? Other than being men. They're all American. That's it. It used to be that they were all white. Not anymore. The one thing is that every single President of the United States has been American. And they have ALL been hated. Maybe some more than others, but every President has large groups of people that hate them. I guess we won't find out if it's because they're American until Piers Morgan is made President.

"It says here that he's American? I hate him already."

2. Piers Morgan is against guns.

That seems like it would be a bad thing in America. A President who was against guns in a nation that is for guns and will kill a President with a gun if he tries to take their guns? Not a good stance to take. Sure, but it's the right one. More guns means more shootings. Why? Because guns only function is too shoot and kill things. If more of them were around, more of that would happen. If every single person had a pen would more writing get done? Exactly. We'd all like to live in an old Western where women can be grabbed, racist comments can be made and card games are stopped because a rough and tumble doggie pulls his gun, resulting in everyone pulling their guns. Doesn't that sound great? Well, grab your time machine. It's not going to happen.

"Why do you need the Hello Kitty gun? Because the Hello Kitty gun doesn't shoot bullets. It shoots fun and entertainment for the whole family! ... Just kidding. This bitch'll kill you.... with bullets."

3. Piers Morgan has a television show. 

George Bush didn't have a television show. Neither did Barack Obama. We had to get to know them. Not the same with Piers. He has had a television show for the last three years. You know what you're getting. You're getting a man with an accent who likes to talk to people. It took eight years to figure out what you were getting from Bush, and we finally did: A man who does a great impression of Will Ferrel doing a great impression of him. Took four years until we found out that Barack is apparently Hitler. With Piers, day one, you know what's up. He's not Hitler. He's not doing a Will Ferrel impression. He's asking questions, with an accent.

"Can YOUR President sell meant cologne? ... Would you like him more if he did? ... I'm shirtless."

4. People say America has problems. Piers Morgan is from outside the problem.

If your car had a problem, how would you try to fix it? By sitting in the car and trying to reach through the windshield to the engine? No. By getting out of the car and taking a look. America is that car. Piers is that stranger outside of it who can take a look. Every other President has come from within the car. They've come from within the car and lo and behold, they can't fix the problems with it. A mechanic doesn't attack the transmission from the glove box. He attacks it from the outside. You get it.

"I'm going to will the car to stop smoking with my mind.... I think it's working."

5. Piers Morgan has an accent.
Some of the best Presidents of all time have had accents. Bill Clinton has an accent. John F. Kennedy had an accent. George Washington probably spoke with at least a lisp or cool whistle or something. You want a good President? Find one with an accent. Who has an accent? British people. Who is a British person? Piers Morgan. The world loves accents. How cool is it when Jason Statham talks? Now picture him not as cool and not able to fight. Still sweet, right? Exactly. Piers Morgan.

"I'll be the first British President! No, it's British. Not Australian. First rule I'll make is anyone who can't tell the difference is banned."

6 everyday costumes that everyday people should stop wearing.

Halloween is in less than a week! Candy, horror movies, costumes. What a great time of year. Some costumes though should be put out to stud. And some costumes are worn by people every singe day, regardless of what holiday it is. This is a list of some of those costumes that need to go.

6 everyday costumes/costume pieces that should be sent into the wild.

1. The "Beard and plaid shirt" costume.
This costume could be called the '90% of white men have just given up'. Gave up years ago, and don't seem to be coming back at all. At some point, 90% of white men decided that trying to be an individual was too hard. We're all white men here, right? Basically brothers. Why don't we dress as if we're all twins and our parents think it's cute to have us together in the same clothes? Men wearing a beard, and a plaid shirt. Have you ever looked around? You're everywhere. When five white men dressed like this hang out it looks like they're part of a strange cult. A cult that for sure knows a whole lot about The Beatles and allergies.

"If I chop this log in half, the curse will be broken! Be gone, plaid shirt and beard curse! BE GONE!"

2. The "Snap back hats" costume.
This could be called the "Man, I wish I was young again" costume. Snap backs were around in the 90's, and kids wore them. Now, snap backs have come back, and the kids in the 90's who wore them have grown up, become adults, and started to wear them again. These are for children and truckers. If you're an adult, whose not a trucker, get a strap back. Strap backs are the adult snap back. If you can walk into the bank and get a loan, get a strap back. Someone shouldn't be able to come up behind you when you're signing for a condo and unsnap your hat off your head.

"Hey, Dad! Thanks for buying me this snap back! Oh, it's yours? But it goes so well with my velcro shoes."

3. The "Nike Foamposites" costume.
This costume could be called "I'll wear ANYTHING a rapper wears." These were jokes, right? Just a gag? Put in the stores by Nike to see how angry people would get at such a disgusting shoe? When they started flying off the shelves, people at Nike must have been shocked.
"People are... BUYING them? For what? To throw through our windows?... They actually like them? Wow. We charged $250. CLEARLY that was a joke! I'm completely shocked."
There are a few different kinds, but the ones that are the worst and so many people have, are the ones with the bulky, different colour way sides. These are easily the most disgusting looking shoes that have come out in the last ten years. They make your foot look like the elephant mans. He had a degenerative disease. You don't. Your only probably is that you think these are cool.

"I am the Nike Foamposite. Hear me suck."

4. The "Toms shoes without socks" costume.
This could be called the 'I care about the world but not about how bad my feet smell'. First of all, these,  Toms look like mummy's feet. They look like shoes you would be given if you were sentenced to working a field in North Korea. Yes, they are shoes that when you buy a pair a pair is given to a child in a poor country. Sure. I bet though when that child does get those shoes, they think, "Man, I wish these were Nikes. Or Adidas. I mean, I already own a pair of these. I work in a field in North Korea!"
And no socks? You know what that does to your foot. It makes it smell like you've been working non stop in a field in North Korea. So because you want to save the world, the rest of us at this party have to suffer? Also, why most times do people who want to save the world try to smell as much like it as possible? Different topic. But either way, the Toms shoes without socks costume? Time for a different one.

"I don't know who this white man is, but he must know that orange and red don't go together."

5. The "unpainted toe nails" costume. (women).
This costume here could be called 'mans foot'. If you don't paint your toe nails, you are wearing a man's foot that day. Which is fine. You are allowed to make that choice. But most men don't wear heels and a skirt to a bar. You did? Well, from the knee down, you look like a cross dresser. And most of them paint their toe nails. This costume, unless you live in the woods or a tiny town where you will marry the first person you ever kissed, or you take every piece of plastic you find and build furniture with it, needs to go.

"Hey, Sarah! You look nic... Jesus! No nail polish, huh? We're going to a dinner party, not riding in the back of an F-150. Put a shoe on at least."

6. The "Sweaters with just whatever the fuck on them" costume.
This costume could be called 'I'm really funny and you don't need to talk to me to find that out because I'm wearing a hilarious sweater with whatever the fuck on it". Yes. You're hilarious. You have a sweater with a dog sitting on a porch on it. Amazing. Don't know where you found such a hilarious item, thirty two year old man, but boy are we happy you did. Oh, yours too! The sweater with a fish inside of an icecube? Man, that fish is gonna freeze! Quick! Someone thaw him out! Sometimes these are worn ironically, other times they are worn by people who if they just learned to talk to people, wouldn't need this costume to feel comfortable. The sweater is easier to put on, though.

"Funny sweater, man! You going to a theme party or something?... Job interview. Huh. Yeah, hilarious."

Canada doesn't know much about Canada either.

Canadians get mad at Americans for not knowing anything about us. Can we blame them? We don't care about our own things. Americans don't know anything about our politics, but we know all about theirs. How rude! The least they could do is find out who our Prime Minister is. Sure. But how many Canadians know ANYTHING about our Prime Ministers policies? Do most of us even care? Could a lot of Canadians point out exactly where Medicine Hat is on a map without much thought? I doubt it. And still, we'll get upset when Americans don't know these same things. It doesn't make sense.

Canadians know more about American politics than our own. Why? Because America is a show that Canada watches daily. Everyday, America is on Canadian television. People sit around and talk about what is happening in America. Some conversation happens about what's going on in Canada, but not NEARLY as much as talk about America. Canadians talk constantly about what is happening in America, but get upset when America doesn't know anything about Canada. We don't even spend much time talking about us. Why should anyone else do it?

Most Americans don't know where The Maritimes are, or how far Toronto and Vancouver really are from each other. So what? The Maritimes are a fantastic part of the world. Vancouver is a gorgeous city. Who cares if anyone knows anything about these places!? A lot of people do, and they love it! I don't know anything about Sweden. Pretty much nothing, and that doesn't change how Sweden is. Also, there are people in CANADA who don't know anything about The Maritimes. When I lived in Toronto, people said to me countless times, 'I've been out East. I went to Montreal.' Montreal is not 'out east'. There is a lot more east of that city, but some people in Toronto thought that past Montreal there was just fog. My old manager at a job I worked at said, 'You're from Nova Scotia? Doesn't everybody fuck their cousin out there?' That's people in the country not knowing anything about parts of it. People who are an hour flight away knowing nothing about a part of their own country, and we want another country to know things about it?

If countries were people, America would be Vince McMahon. America is the greatest promoter on the planet. It gets its name to every corner of the world constantly. It tells us this person or that person is the best singer? Then that's what we believe. And Canada hinges a lot on America for that type of thing. We don't big up our own people until America says they're cool, then we'll run right behind them and say, 'Did you know he's from Duck Latte, Saskatchewan? Well he is.' If Justin Bieber had not been discovered by Americans, he wouldn't be close to as big as he is now. Not even in Canada would he be big! Same as Drake. It took American's telling us that they are great to get us to say, 'Yeah! They are! And they're also Canadian!' If Justin Bieber had stayed in Canada he'd be a super talented person who worked during the day at a Roots store. He'd be singing at the grand opening of a mall, then walking into a store to fold shirts.

One reason Americans don't take our stuff seriously? We don't. CANADIANS make fun of Canadian television. CANADIANS. We make fun of our own stuff and we expect other people to pay attention to it? A lot of Canadians don't watch Canadian television simply because it's Canadian. That's it. Not because it's not good. Some Canadian shows have been great. But a lot of Canadians won't watch it simply because it was made in our country. Sometimes, if the same show had been made in America, Canadians would have loved it.
"Ah, god. I'm not watching a show called 'Canadians doing Canadian things'. This is terrible."
"Yeah. It's a weird show. It's about Canadians, but it was made in America."
"Huh. America, eh? I'll give it a shot."
Turn on a TV in Canada. What will you see? Even on Canadian Networks? About 95% of the programming is American shows. Of course we know about America and they don't know about us! We've been stalking them for years!

It's very strange that we want America's approval so bad. Why do we feel we have to be Americas little brother? Always watching what's America is doing, personally hurt when we find out that they don't care about what we are up to. Why does it have to be that way? Canada is an amazing place. It's a beautiful country that I'm happy to be from. Why does it matter whether or not America knows or care about what happens there? WE should care more about it! We should on our own!

America is not going to care about, or know anything about Canada probably ever. One reason is that in America, America is taught to love America. Fine. Other reason? Canada doesn't really care about what it's doing. If you don't care about something you're doing, nobody will. That is how things work. If you don't care about your appearance, nobody else will. If you don't care about something you've created, nobody else will. If you don't believe in what you're saying, people don't pay attention to you. Canada has to care about Canada before Americans will.

Why do we in Canada care what America knows about us? If you knew a bunch about someone in real life, and they didn't know anything about you, would you be mad? No. You'd continue to focus on what you are doing. Who cares what they know about you? It doesn't change anything. We all know a lot about Miley Cyrus. Anyone mad that she doesn't know anything about us?
"I know who Miley Cyrus's dad is, and I've seen her fallopian tubes, and she doesn't even know that I just got a promotion at work?! What a horrible person."
America is not a terrible place for not knowing about Canada. It is what it is. Canada is a beautiful place that should be more into what it is and what it's doing.

Twitter @nathanmacintosh