Wanna read this? Cheers.

For some reason, I'm not a fan of the expression 'cheers'. I have never been. I'm not sure why. I can't pinpoint it. It's just something that hits my ears in a strange way. I don't believe that I was ever attacked by a person who wouldn't stop saying it, but maybe.

"Give me your wallet, cheers!"

"What?! Are you joking?"

"Do I look like I'm joking? Cheers! Give me that wallet! Cheers!"

"I'm so confused! Here's my wallet. What's happening?!"

"Cheers! Cheers! Cheers! Cheers!"

Pretty sure that never happened, but even still, I'm not a fan of the phrase.

There was a point in time when it was said for a specific reason. It used to be said in North America when people were having drinks. Cheers-ing a drink is a sort of celebration. Makes sense.

"We are having drinks. I am happy about this and you should be as well. Let's connect glasses."

"Cheers!"

"I believe you meant to say 'clink', but sure! 'Cheers' works indeed!"

There was a specific reason for it. But now people say it at the end of a ton of sentences. Used to be just for clanking drinks, but now people say it when a waitress brings them the Buffalo wing sauce they requested.

"Can I have some more napkins?"

"For sure."

"Cheers."

"Cheers? To what? Are we celebrating?"

"Oh, I don't mean 'cheers', I mean thank you."

"Then why don't you just say thank you? I just signaled for a beer when you said that. Now I'll just drink it alone and go get napkins. 'Cheers'."

It has its place in parts of the world. England for one, and if you are from there and say it, I get it. But if you live and were born in North America? Doesn't make sense. Unless you are from a part of the world that says it, there's no reason to adopt it. There's no other phrase from parts of the world that people adopt. People don't visit Canada and start saying 'eh'. People don't come back from Germany and keep 'danke schoen' in their vocabulary.

"I'll take a bag. Danke schoen."

"Sie sind willkommen."

"What?"

"That's German for 'thank you'. I thought you said danke schoen because you knew I was German."

"No, I just visited there and kept saying it when I got back."

"...Don't do that."

It feels as though people who haven't traveled say it. A lot of people use it to seem more worldly. People drop it to APPEAR as though they have traveled around and picked up some customs.

"Hey, man, you just used a phrase that is really only said in Japan. Have you been there?"

"No. I have a friend from there, though. And I've always wanted to go."

"...Okay. Do you get a free flight when you say the phrase or something?"

It's the same way when some people travel and come back with an accent. Gone for a month, and now speak like an Australian.

"Hey, mate, want to go to my flat? We don't have to take the stairs, we can take the lift."

"What?"

"This is how people in Australia talk. Mate is friend, flat is apartment and lift is elevator. Isn't that interesting?! Here, have a Tim Tam."

"Ah, that is great! You remember how we speak in North America, correct? It's called sarcasm. That is not great."

When did this start? Who brought this over? How did it catch on to a degree that now anytime you leave your house you will hear somebody say it somewhere. Was there one man from the past who flew into North America and decided that this needed to stick?

"Hark! I am a man from Europe's past. I am a fan of all things medieval, and I was a fan of Downton Abbey before it even came out. I have a word that I use at the end of sentences that I believe you should use."

"What is it, sir? Goodbye? Later? We use those. Thanks, perhaps?"

"No, you daft human. I'm speaking of a word that says all of those things, while also saying nothing at all. The word is: cheers."

"...Cheers. Huh. I don't know how I feel."

"If you had said 'cheers' at the end of that sentence, it would have sounded more sophisticated!"

"...I don't know how I feel... cheers. Wow! You're right! I'm sold! Thanks, winged creature!"

I can remember maybe six years ago when it being said was very out of place. People would hear it and if you didn't fit the description of a person who would be saying it, you were called out.

"Hey, what'd you just say? Speak like a human being who speaks over here speaks like."

"That sentence was terrible."

"Your face will feel terrible if you say cheers again. Oh, was that your plan? Get me to say cheers? That's it. You're dead."

It's never really said casually by people who weren't brought up with it. Say for instance, when people from England say it – it seems effortless. There's no forcing it. When someone from North America says it, there seems to be a little bit of pushing. It takes a bit of effort to get it out.

"I appreciate you holding that door for me.... Cheers."

"Why did you pause when you said cheers?"

"What? I didn't. I say it normally just as the people who grew up with it do."

"No, you didn't. You seemed to take a minute for your brain to process what you were about to say."

"No, no! I swear! I've practiced saying at home. Cheers! See? Cheers!"

"Still sounds a bit odd. I will never hold a door for another human being again."

Cheers means so many different things. Goodbye, thanks, see you. It's also a sitcom from the 80s. I think we should be able to put in any of those that we want. Let's drop 'cheers', and use other sitcoms.

"Hey, man. Thanks for coming over."

"No problem, dude. Coach."

"Coach?"

"Yeah. It's like Cheers, but I never liked that show. I always thought Craig T. Nelson was underrated and better in a starring role in a sitcom than Ted Danson, so I say 'Coach' to promote him. So, Coach."

Twitter @nathanmacintosh

On a derailed train.

Yesterday, I was on a train that derailed in Connecticut. I was on the train headed to a show. It derailed right before it reached the stop I was getting off at. Here is a short recount of it.

I didn't want to leave as it was. I had hurt my foot two days before, and had stayed off of it so that it could heal. It was still pretty bad, but I had a show for a bit of money and can't really turn down money at this point. It's not a huge amount, but still. I just couldn't. So I grabbed a cane and dragged myself to this train. I'm walking as if I have already been in an accident.

"Hey, were you involved in a train wreck?"

"Not yet. I think that's coming."

People can be very nice, though. When I got onto the subway, people offered me their seats since as they could see that I was having a hard time.

I was very happy to get on the train to Connecticut. I just wanted to sit down after all of the traveling to get there. It's probably only about a half hour to get to the MTA North station, but with a cane? There are a million stairs in the city when you have to deal with them. When everything's working, they're just stairs. When you're dragging something? Stairs seem to not end. So I get on the train. I picked the second car closest to me as the first was full, and the second one was the closest. With a busted foot, that was my choice. That car ended up being the second last of the train with the direction we were going.

So, train leaves, and I was on it for almost two hours. I had never been to this part of Connecticut before, so I was watching the stops to make sure I didn't miss mine. Mine was next, and with my busted foot, I thought that maybe I should get up and wait by the door to save time. I decided not to, and I am very happy and lucky that I didn't. Five seconds after I had that thought, the train jumped and made a loud bang. We were going very fast, so at first it just seemed as if we had maybe hit something. Then it was clear that we had gone off the rails. The train was bouncing around; sparks and wood were flying past the windows. It felt as if the car I was in was going to tip. It stopped on a steep lean, but didn't tip.

As soon as we stopped, a woman was freaking out. Rightly so. This experience was pretty scary. There was a man across from me who kept saying in a calming voice, "We're all okay. Everybody's okay. We're all okay." The woman calmed down with this and people started to look for a way out. One side of the car was open, but people decided not to jump that because we could see live wires. The other side was opened, and people in the car started helping people down. When I got to the door, a man said he'd take my cane and help me down. I said, "Yeah. I apologize. I hurt my foot the other day." I had to sit down on the side of the train to get out, and there were people helping people down. These guys basically carried me to the ground and made sure I could stand.

Since nobody in my car was really hurt, I thought that maybe it wasn't that bad. Walking along the train, there were people who were bloody, had broken limbs, had clearly injured their necks. People we're crying all around, and everyone was in shock. We were all told to move to one side unless we were injured. Conductors and EMT's were walking up to everyone asking them if they were okay and if they needed any assistance.

One reason I'm writing about this is to say that it is amazing to be involved in something like this and see how fast people who don't know each other come together to help each other. Five minutes before this happened, everyone on the train is a stranger, then this happens, and everyone works together to find a solution to what has happened. It's nice to see how instinctual it seems to be in people. People say all the time that they don't like people, that people are jerks. No. People are just involved in what they are doing as we all are. But when something happens that wakes people up from that, you see that most people are great and mean well.

Again, the only reason I was on this train was to go to a show. So this happens, and I really didn't feel like doing it anymore. Being beside people who are seriously inured doesn't really make you want to tell jokes. Not me, anyway. Plus, I was shook from the crash. It didn't really hit me until about twenty minutes later, but it was jarring. This was at about 7:00 by now, and the show was at 8:30. Had to do it. I was still shocked by the whole thing, so I joked with the crowd, "I was in that train accident that happened a few hours ago, so if this doesn't go well it'll be the second train wreck I've been involved in tonight" or something like that. People laughed, and it made me a bit more comfortable just in the sense that I now had told them where I was at mentally. It's all that I was thinking about. The show ended up being fun. Afterwards, though, I was still in a weird place because of this crash.

On my way home to feel better about the whole thing, I was making fun of myself for it. It made me laugh that I was involved in a train derailment, and I can't even say that that's how I hurt my foot.

"Wow. You were on that train? That's how you sprained your foot?"

"No. I hurt it two days before doing the Ali Shuffle in a boxing class."

"...Oh. I was about to give you some sympathy sex, but a boxing class? Step your coordination up."

May seem weird to try to find the funny in it, but as a comedian that's just what my mind does. In all honesty, I'm lucky that I wasn't injured, and am very happy for that.

I hope everyone that was injured wasn't too badly hurt and that everyone will be okay. Below are some pictures I took and a link to a story about it.

http://usnews.nbcnews.com/_news/2013/05/18/18340811-absolutely-staggering-dozens-injured-in-connecticut-train-crash?lite

Commercials are still here.

This is about commercials. Am I joking? Is it actually about something else and I told you it was a hard-hitting exposé on commercials to get you tuned in? Nope. It's about commercials. We all have to deal with these, as they are everywhere. You can't avoid them. Only place you can look to not see a commercial is in the sky, and I'm sure one day they'll have them playing up there like the Bat-Signal.

"Commissioner Gordon! You're trying to get ahold of Batman?"

"No. I'm showing Gotham how they can save money on their car insurance by switching to Geico."

During the Super Bowl, there were commercials that were about two minutes long. Over two minutes long. Over? There's no reason for a commercial to be this long. Why do we have to make commercials that are on their way to being as long as sitcoms? There's no reason for this. When would a commercial ever need to be this long?

"You know, I have no problem buying Coca Cola, I just wouldn't mind knowing a little bit more about it."

"Yeah, right? Like, who are the people who drink it? What do they do in their spare time? WHERE am I supposed to drink this? Concerts? Watching TV? At the beach?"

"Yeah. If only the commercials for it would let me know. Ah, screw it. I'm not buying it."

Commercials should never be over thirty seconds. There's just no reason for it. Movie trailers are longer than thirty seconds because they are trying to get us to go see something that is over an hour and a half long. Is this commercial a trailer for this product? Are we supposed to treat it like a movie release?

"What do you do when they're surrounding you? Who do you turn to when there's no one else to turn to? Who do you trust, when you can't trust anyone? Is this real? Are you real? Are they listening? Who are they? More importantly, who are you? ...This summer – Tide To Go Pens. Trust no stains."

"Honey! Tide To Go Pens are coming out this summer! You want to go wait in line now?"

For some reason, instead of commercials simply selling a product, they decided to tell us a story. A lot of the stories that are put into commercials now have almost nothing related to the product at all.

"It was winter, 1987. Jim had just poured himself a hot chocolate while waiting for his friends to come over. You're just like, Jim. You like hot chocolate, and you like friends. They finally arrived and watched A Fish Called Wanda. What a night it was. It was the first night that Jim met Sarah, but definitely not the last. Where did Jim's story end up? Let's just say, there's a little hot chocolate drinker running around somewhere now... Fritos. Grab a bag and fall in love."

Why must a lot of commercials be so elusive? Long stories that have short, grainy glimpses of what the product actually is. So you have to sit and decipher what is being said. Five minutes of skateboarding and you might think, "Huh. A commercial for skateboarding. Well, it's kinda dangerous, and I'm in my mid thirties, but I can give it a shot," only to find out that the commercial was actually for something that was faded out in the background.

"What? This commercial for skateboarding is actually about Post-it Notes? Why is there a commercial for Post-it Notes? We know that they're out there! And how are skateboarding and Post-it Notes connected?

Old Spice commercials have been copied almost completely by just about every company and directed towards men. Gillette, Hanes, Dr. Pepper. Commercials trying hilariously to play to our man side.

"You're a man, within a man, who's trying to break out of a man's body. Is that too much man? Of course not! How can there possibly be too much man? Women want a man who's also a man while being a man's man. Men love men who become men at the sight of a full men-oon while drinking Man-garitas. You've men-volved into a co-men-dable man who mans it up even on Mother's Day, which you have renamed 'Woman Who Had A Man Day'. Mountain Dew. Drink a man!"

Just about every commercial tries to be funny. Even commercials for scooters for the elderly have a tinge of humor in them.

"Are you old? Can't walk? How about drive! Attach this baby to the wall and float up your stairs like a ghost before you die and actually do it on the new 'Scoot-Scoot-Scooter'! This product is endorsed by Phil Collins."

The only commercials that are not trying to be funny are commercials that are telling you that starving people in Africa need money. Don't they know that humor sells?

"He's starving. Like starving-starving. Not like 'Hey, I've been drinking all night and could really use a pizza' starving, like 'Hey, I haven't drank in weeks and I don't know what a pizza is' starving. While you were busy trying to beat your high score on Angry Birds, he was busy mustering up enough energy to make it through another day. Send him a dollar, you idiot. What are you going to do with it? Buy another girl who doesn't want to have sex with you a drink? Feed a kid. Suck it."

When watching TV, commercials can be skipped if you have certain televisions. You can fast forward through them. It's pretty great if you really don't feel like seeing that Cheez Whiz commercial.

"All right, time to fast forward through this."

"Don't skip that! What if they've added something new? Like Chipotle Cheez Whiz? Or Pop Rock Ranch Whiz?"

"...Would you really eat either one of those?"

"...You're right."

Online, though, some commercials cannot be skipped. Watching a video on YouTube? Some will allow you to skip after a few seconds. Some, though, you just have to deal with. A minute and a half of a Honda commercial to get to a thirty-second video.

"How can a car commercial be longer than a video of a man being hit by a car? Oh. That's how."

A lot of car commercials boggle me as it is. Ford has commercials that show you if you wanted to drive a truck up Fire Mountain, you could. 

Why? Why in the hell would anyone drive up a mountain while having fire shot at him or her?

"I'm not sure why the only store in town that sells Ben and Jerry's Cherry Garcia is atop Mount Flame, but I do love that damn ice cream. Glad I have a Ford and not some other car that was not built to withstand ridiculously high temperatures for no reason."

Car commercials also like to show you where the car can go. Just shots of the car in places around town and the world, as if certain cars can only drive to certain places.

"Whoa! Look at the new Hyundai Sonata! It can drive downtown, to the beach, to the mall. It can even fit my friends inside of it! Wait, that's the end of the commercial? It didn't show it at the Knicks' game. I have tickets this weekend! Close but no cigar, Sonata. I'm a Knicks fan."

Twitter@nathanmacintosh