Same movies at the same times. Huh?

It doesn't happen every summer, but sometimes if you're lucky – like seeing a shooting star or seeing somebody refuse seconds at a buffet – you'll see it. And when you see it, you'll be shocked, wondering how such a ridiculous mistake could have been made. Two movies that are basically the same in theatres at the same time. How could this be? Does anybody here know the giant mistake they've made!?

"Hey, guys. Do you know that you have two of the same movie playing here?"

"Huh? No. There's no way."

"There is! Look! End of the world movie, and another end of the world movie!"

"...I can't believe. I'm calling Hollywood."

This summer, it appears to be Oblivion and After Earth. Not exactly the same, but close. One is Tom Cruise as a serviceman stationed on an abandoned Earth. Morgan Freeman is around doing something. The other is Will Smith and his son who crash land on Earth one thousand years after all humans have left the planet. So – not IDENTICAL, but two movies in theatres at the same time that are both about characters being on an abandoned Earth?

The posters for these movies even look similar. Tom Cruise head beside Morgan Freeman head. A broken down Earth behind them. Will Smith head beside Will Smith son head, a broken down Earth behind them. Which team will save Earth? Or get off of Earth? Or just deal with the broken down Earth that they have found better than the other team? This happens a decent amount. You'll go to the theatre and see a poster for a movie you swear has already been made.

"'Huge Mother's Apartment'? Huh. That sounds a lot like 'Big Momma's House'. Hmmm, the tagline for the movie says, 'This Movie Is Nothing Like Big Momma's House'. Well, I'm sold!"

Why would Hollywood put out two of the same movies at the same time? Maybe it happens because they want two actors for the same movie, and instead of telling one no, they just write one for him as well.

"You gave WHO the part? But I had promised it to this guy!"

"I'm sorry. I had to make a decision today. I gave it to this guy."

"Well, you're gonna be up all night writing another romantic comedy about two bus drivers because my actor has got to be in one. I promised! How can I promise him a romantic comedy about two bus drivers and not deliver?"

"Well how the hell will I write another romantic comedy about two bus drivers?"

"Different routes? Duh."

"...No wonder you drive a better car than me."

Maybe they just wanted to see what the movie would be like starring two different groups of actors. Ever talked with someone about what it would be like if Sylvester Stallone, or another actor, starred in Jurassic Park? Or some other movie? The ol' "imagine if Arnold was in Police Academy?" conversation. Hollywood is playing that game but actually putting the movies out!

"I've got a movie about magic that Edward Norton is going to star in. It's gonna be big."

"Huh. I wonder what it would be like if Christian Bale and Hugh Jackman starred in it?"

"What? But you haven't even seen the one with Edward Norton yet."

"And I'm sure it'll be great, but hey, Christian and Hugh! Change a few words in your script and I'll get them on the phone."

Hollywood could just be putting out two of the same movie to pit actors against each other. Maybe it's to see who can draw more money. Just put two actors in identical movies at the same time and see which one an audience will go to see.

"These are both very talented men. Who do you think audiences would rather see save a city from a meteor?"

"Huh. I'm not sure. We could put both of them in a movie about meteors and see which one does better at the box office?"

"Wait, make TWO movies about a man saving a city from a meteor, see which one does better at the box office, then reward the actor with the higher grossing film by putting him in ANOTHER movie where he saves a city from meteors?"

"...Do you have a better idea?"

"...You know what? I actually don't. Ah, it really upsets me that I don't."

From asking around, apparently this is done because one movie studio doesn't want another movie studio to have a hit movie that they don't have. So movie studios buy up any type of script that they know other studios have bought up. Your studio buys a script about demonic robots? Another studio will buy a similar script. What's ridiculous is that while one studio puts theirs into production, the other studio gets jealous and does the same thing.

"Huh, starting production on your 'murderous car in small town Iowa' movie starring Liam Neeson? Well, I guess it's time to start production on our 'vengeful motorcycle in medium sized county' movie starring Jason Statham. We'll see whose vehicle does better this summer."

There are many examples of these movies. Here are a few.

Deep Impact / Armageddon. In one movie, Bruce Willis lands on a meteor and blows it up. In the other, Morgan Freeman is the president and the meteor hits earth. One teaches you that Bruce Willis is a hard ass inside or outside the ozone layer, and the shows you that Morgan Freeman would not make a good President.

The Prestige / The Illusionist. One of these movies about magic stars Christian Bale and Hugh Jackman. Hugh can't figure out how Christian does his tricks and it is driving him crazy. The other stars Edward Norton where he uses magic to win the love of an old flame. Both out in 2006, both at the same time. That's too much magic.

Dante's Peak / Volcano. This pairing could be the best. In Volcano, Tommy Lee Jones lives in LA when a volcano erupts. I would say that he stops it, but how the hell do you stop lava? In Dante's Peak, Pierce Brosnan is chilling on Dante's Peak, which is apparently the second most desirable place to live in America. But it's about to erupt! What will he do? Use his good looks to look at the volcano and say, "Not today, eruption! See how good I look!"

Who knows what the next great pairing of the same movie will be, but you can believe that it's coming.

Twitter@nathanmacintosh

Waiting a day.

Jokes. People tell them all the time. When someone falls on his or her face, when a friend does something stupid. When your girlfriend gets a parking ticket.

"Wow, you parked there without looking at the signs? Should have gotten two tickets."

Jokes ease tension, calm situations and make things generally okay. These are usually done with people you know, though, about situations that are not life changing. When tragedies hit, people involved in them would not be making jokes. Not to friends, not to other people involved. But people online? Seems to be the first move.

I'm not saying that I don't think jokes should not be written about tragedies. I think they should. I don't see it as a bad thing, but – could we wait a day? Okay, with technology the way it is, a day is probably too long. An hour? Could we at least wait an hour? I saw a lot of the jokes, and I thought some were funny, but again, the first thought has to be how can I make this funny? That first hour, let's chill. Just write them down and pound them all out sixty minutes from the time of the event.

"Cool, an hour has gone by. I've written three pages of jokes. Twitter's gonna hate me for this, but here we go, seventy-eight tweets in a row."

If you were there and you had seen the explosion, people thrown around, would your first thought be, "Man, what is hilarious about this?" No, because if you were in the situation, you would care. When it's on a screen? We don't view it as anything. Can't we have some empathy for people? Why write jokes as people are still lying on the ground? While people are still bleeding. While people are still running around freaking out.

"Wow, that looks like a pretty insane situation... wait, was that guy who blew up wearing a Mickey Mouse t-shirt? Whoa, ho ho! Joke time!"

Again, I think jokes are great. I think there can be jokes made about any and every situation. But right away? First thing? This is just my opinion, but I think things should be sat on for a minute.

These jokes are never for the victims either. They're not written to help them. If jokes were what they needed right away, then the EMTs rushing onto the scene with bandages and painkillers, would also be holding a bag of one-liners.

"Breathe, breathe! You've just been in an accident. I'm going to elevate your legs and while I'm doing that, peruse through this bag of jokes about what has just happened to you written by 'rationalminded' on Twitter."

"...What? Why would I do that?"

"Who's the EMT here, sir? Now this is going to sound weird, but the only way to fix that broken arm is to use it to write limericks. Do you have a pen?"

These jokes are never written with the intent to help people, they are written to raise your own profile. 

People who write jokes about these things immediately, usually use the argument when people start to care about a tragedy that other tragedies are going on in the world that you are not talking about.

"There is stuff happening all over the world. Why care about this? What's the big deal with this one?"

Simply that it's close to home. Sounds terrible, but that's how it is. Do you think people in North Korea were discussing what was happening in Boston?

"Hey, you hear about the marathon explosions?"

"...Are we allowed to be talking?"

No. People talk about what happens where they live unless where they live is in a small town where nothing happens. Then they talk about everything.

"Hey, Tom. You hear about what's going on in India?"

"Of course I have, Ted. It's either read about that or stare out my window at some trees. That reminds me, did I tell you that there is a new squirrel living in my backyard?"

"A new squirrel? You don't say."

Also, the people who come at the argument with an aggressive 'Well, things happen all over the world, you care about it happening here but not on the other side of the earth?' NEVER care about any of it. They think you're dumb for caring or asking about a specific tragedy when the world is full of them, but they are never people who volunteer, donate money, help charities. Nothing. Just try to tell you how dumb you are for caring about anything.

People say that you should be able to deal with tragedy any way you want. Sure. Fair enough. But if you're writing jokes about a tragedy, you are probably not affected by said tragedy. I'm sure that people who were there, or had family there, were not sitting at their computers trying to come up with a hilarious quip in under 140 characters.

"Oh, man, my brother was in that race! Let's see. 'My brother always wanted to have an explosive running career. He got it!' There we go. Now, I'll go see if he's okay."

The people who are writing jokes probably don't have any ties to the event. It's the rest of us. Who have nothing to do with it, who write jokes about such things. And I get it. It's gonna happen. If it were the other way around, people would be writing jokes about the tragedy you're involved in. To say that jokes about tragedies during them helps, who does it help? Does it help the other people writing jokes? Does it help the victims?

"Hey, looks like you lost a hand, but look at this tweet from a guy who has no attachment to this at all..."

"Oww.... oh, man. That is pretty funny. Oww."

Personally, when there is a big tragedy, some sort of act of terror, I think that we should have a technology snow day. Just take a day, get off of the internet and spend time with the world. Because nobody who was running in the Boston Marathon would have EVER thought something insane like that was going to happen. All that shows is that anything can happen. You have no idea if you'll be involved in something like that. So a tragedy like that should remind people to hang out and appreciate what's going on in your life. 

Not that it matters, but when something tragic happens, I get off of Twitter completely. Jokes seem weird, saying anything not related to the tragedy seems weird, and also, it could have been us. Why not take a minute to enjoy life?

twitter @nathanmacintosh

Some people hate wrestling. Why?

Last weekend, I went to WrestleMania. Now, granted, I would have preferred to go as a kid. That was when I watched wrestling, and when I had more of an idea of what was going on. A friend of mine who never stopped watching, asked me if I wanted to go as it was in New Jersey this year. Even though I haven't watched wrestling in years, I agreed. I started watching again so I would have some idea of what was happening at Mania. It's not like NASCAR. There are storylines.

"Hey, why is number 49 trying to drive faster than number 17? Did 17 sleep with his wife?"

"I don't think so. He has to drive faster to win."

"Huh. I find the wife-sleeping story more interesting. Drive, number 49! He really gave it to her!"

WrestleMania was an amazing time, but since then, I've heard a lot of people say they hate wrestling.

One of the main arguments towards why people don't like it is that it's fake. People like to say that as if it's the first time you've ever heard it.

"Why would you watch that, man? He's not actually hitting him. Don't you know this is staged?"

Buddy, it's 2013. Everyone knows that wrestling is fake. To tell someone that they shouldn't like wrestling because it's fake today? You're the idiot here. It's like telling someone magic isn't real.

"Tada!"

"You didn't ACTUALLY make that card disappear. It's probably in your sleeve."

"... Your imagination is awful."

Who cares if it's fake? Is everything you watch real? Are you actually at war when you play Call of Duty? Is the Phantom of the Opera REALLY in that Broadway show? Is Dr. Who a documentary?

"Man, I love Dr. Who. The way he destroys these daleks. I'd love to meet him one day."

"...You mean the actor who plays him? He's not real, man."

"WHAT!? Actor? No! But he's right there! I can see him! Look, he's right there!"

Why is it so hard to suspend disbelief when it's wrestling? It is theatre with fighting. That is all.

People have no problem telling fans of wrestling that they're stupid. A lot of people feel that they are above wrestling, while there is a lot worse entertainment out there.

"Wrestling? That's insane. I watch The Voice, Can You Cut, Splash, Can You Splash, So You Think You Can Weld And Skateboard At The Same Time, Dancing With Eagles, Cook Your Face, Single Moms Of Kentucky, Wal-Mart Wars, and The Bachelor, but wrestling? That's just stupid."

Some people really don't like wrestling fans, but just about everyone likes at least ONE wrestler. You'd tell a guy wrestling is dumb, but see a wrestler you like and freak out.

"You like wrestling? That's some of the stupidest junk that ther... wait, is that The Rock? Rock! You're the best, Rock! I've seen like four of your movies!"

Why are wrestling fans thought of as some of the worst human beings on the planet? Because of how they dress? Just the simple fact that they like wrestling? Have you looked at EVERY fan of ANYTHING else? If you did, you'd probably be embarrassed at what you like.

"Oh my God. HE likes basketball? I can't be seen watching this junk. Guess I'll have to watch professional glass eating. Something only real cool guys watch."

If you went to hear an amazing lecture, one that was really intelligent and captivating, would it be deemed useless if the person who delivered it was a wrestling fan?

"Wow, that was really smart and engaging. I'm happy I got to hear it."

"Yeah. You know he's a wrestling fan, right?"

"What? A wrestling fan? Well, that changes everything he said. What a complete idiot!"

One great thing about wrestling, if you like it, and you go to it live, you get to experience it with thousands of screaming fans. No joke, live, wrestling is fantastic. People are yelling, chanting, screaming. And I would bet that it almost never turns violent. Why? Because people know it's fake! There's nothing to get serious about. It's fun. I went to a Devils game the night before Mania in Jersey and watched two guys argue with each other until they got kicked out. Why? Because apparently, hockey is a deadly serious issue.

"You don't like my team? You're a piece of trash and I wanna fight you."

"Oh yeah, man? Why don't you drop your foam finger and come say that to my face!"

No reason for that to happen at wrestling. And if you are just interested in TV shows, you will NEVER get the experience of being in a stadium with tons of fans to see them. Will Breaking Bad ever be shown to 80,000 people live?

"Ladies and Gentleman, thank you for coming to Breaking Bad live!"

"Get him, Walter! You're the one who knocks!"

"Shhhhhhh!"

"Shut up, loser! I'm trying to watch the show! And hey, buddy, can you put down your sign that says 'Jesse Forever!' I can't see! Oh, God. The wave? I'm trying to concentrate."

You can't chant at someone else when they invite you over to watch a show.

"Thanks for coming, guys. Oh! The show's starting!"

"LET'S GO, GAME OF THRONES! <Clap, clap, clap clap clap> LET'S GO, GAME O... nobody?"

"...Please leave."

ANYTHING you like is considered stupid to somebody else. That's just how things work.

"I love Breton crackers."

"What are you, dumb? They're too big. They don't make cheese in a shape that would go on a Breton cracker. Round cracker, square cheese. Honestly, it's insane."

Everything is stupid to somebody, but you have to like something.

Twitter @nathanmacintosh