9 Socially unacceptable ways to break up with someone that should be acceptable.

It's the summertime. People are breaking up all over the place! The only socially acceptable way to do it is to meet up with the human you no longer want to see and tell them face to face. Every thing else has stepped into the 21st century. Breaking up needs to as well. Here are ways that are not accepted but should be.

1. In a text.
Why is this one bad? NOBODY will say that texting someone is a good way of breaking up. Texting someone that you've been in an accident,  letting someone know they should get checked because you have a STD, or 'hey, you up?' at 4:30 am are all acceptable reasons to text. But texting someone 'don't ever text me again, we're done' is not? A lot of relationships start with a text, but you can't end it the same way? This one should be the industry standard. It is NOT though. The world would respect you more for writing 'We're Done!' on a copy of Planet Earth and throwing it through their window.

"What?! No! You can't break up with me in text?! You need to meet me! Why am I yelling at my phone!?"

2. Writing 'We're Done!' on a copy of Planet Earth and throwing it through their window.
Most people leave relationships with no parting gifts. This way you leave them with something other than just the feeling that they are a useless human being. Have you ever seen Planet Earth? It's fantastic. So, your windows broken, and you've just been dumped, but now you have David Attenboroughs sexy voice to tell you about the Serengeti. So, really, is anything that bad?

"Why would Brian do this?! Right through my window! It's just ridic... oh. The complete series. Huh. Well that's something. They care about me!"

3. Leaving a message at their job.
This one is just practical. They don't get bothered with a long phone call, they can enjoy their lunch undisturbed and come back to this message, they're away from home and all the sharp things there. Best is, now you're giving them a reason to be rude at work. Who would get upset with someone being a dick at work when you know they just got a message that said they have to pack their junk and move out?

         "You're girlfriend called. Said she's not your girlfriend anymore. Also, we need new computers."

4. Getting down on one knee in front of a crowd, making it look like you're going to propose, and saying 'Will you make me the happiest man on earth, and leave me the hell alone?'
You're allowed to be at a baseball game and make everyone watch you ask your girlfriend to marry you, why not get everyone watch you break up with her? Should be allowed. What's wrong with it? She gets some camera time, your outside enjoying the air, there's a BASEBALL game. What's the big deal? Plus, I'm sure there will be some guy in the stands who sees this and thinks, 'Wow. That's girls beautiful. And she's single!' You're letting men know that this lady is back in the ocean. It's free advertising!

 "Don't laugh. I'm serious. Will you please leave me alone? I wanted to come to the game with a friend."

5. Asking their parents to let them know.
Their parents brought them into this world, raised them, hurt them emotionally in ways that only showed up with they were almost thirty. They can for sure give them the news that you don't want to see them anymore. Some people ask their girlfriends dad if they can marry them. Why not tell the dad you want to do the exact opposite? If their parents live out of town, they'll wonder why you drove five hours to their house without their child. That's when you say it's because you have dignity, and that that is how much you want out of this relationship.

"We're just giving you the info, okay? Don't take it out on us. Maybe if you didn't wear Chucks he'd treat you like a real woman. Look at me! LOOK AT ME!"

6. Yelling 'We're done!' while you drive by them.
So, you see the person you've started to hate the last couple of weeks walking down the street enjoying an ice cream. You want to break up with them, but you have somewhere to be. What's the alternative? Roll your window down, and scream 'I've had enough!' while you speed past. You've killed three birds with one stone. Ended a terrible relationship, made them drop their ice cream, and still made it to the 1:30 showing of Grown Ups 2.

             "Pack your junk! We're done! I would have texted but it's illegal to do that and drive!"

7. Calling them.
Now, for gods sake, you can't call someone? Relationships start on less! A lot start from a message on OK Cupid.
"Hey, I also like cupcakes and the second season of The Wire! Want to get frozen yogurt?"
By calling them and ending it, you're being more personal than when you asked them out in the first place! Call them and tell them you wished you'd never clicked on their profile. And if they don't answer, fell free to leave a short message telling them what's wrong with them.

"I know it's been 40 years, but I'm done... You're on your way back from the grocery store? Yeah, I won't be here. Good luck with your last 15 years."

8. Email.
An email is just a longer text that you get later and hopefully has better spelling and grammar. It can even be much longer and nicer than a text. But this one is also hated by the earth. We all get emails all day. A lot of them are from people in Nigeria asking for money, telling you your penis is too small, why not one that decides how you are going to spend the weekend? You were supposed to go to the movies with your partner? Well, an email changed that! Now you're drinking. And you didn't have to meet up and have a real conversation to find it out.

"Dear human I've been dating. I don't want to do that anymore. This email explains that. The subject line that read 'Urgent! I no longer like you!' should have as well."

9. During a Christmas Dinner.
So, you're at your partners house for Christmas. You wanted to break up with them a month ago so it wouldn't get to this, but here you are. Asking their four year old cousin whose been kicking you under the table for twenty minutes to pass the salt. They throw it at you. You've had it! So you clink your glass, stand up, and say, "Look. I didn't want to be here. I don't want to be in this relationship anymore. I'm out, and I'm taking this turkey leg with me. Also, smarten up this stupid four year old. Isn't there a children's table?" So you ruined a families Christmas. It happens. But you just made yours a bit Merrier.

"Man, I would love to drive that straw right into his nose bone. I'd like to throw that book into his sisters face, too. Why wear a hat to Christmas dinner? AND bring a book? I hate this whole family. Picturing hot gravy spilling everyone really makes me happy."

twitter @nathanmacintosh

Let's move!

I'm moving at the end of the month. I'll be putting all of my junk into a bag, and kicking it down the street to a different place. That's not exactly how it's gonna work, but I wish it was that easy. Moving is more stressful than it needs to be. I don't think anyone likes to do it.
"Okay, would you rather move, or..."
"What ever the other one is. That's what I'd rather do."
"You didn't even hear it! It could be strangling a hamster!"
"Cool. Whatever. Rather do anything other than move. Wait! Was it gonna be move or watch TMZ? Ahhh. No! I'd rather move! I'd rather move!"

Looking for places to live is not fun. For one, why do people show you apartments that people are living in? They'll walk you through an apartment that someone is living in, while they are at home living in it.
"Ah, well, here it is. That underwear won't be on the floor when you move in. Also, there won't be a man in the master bedroom crying because his girlfriend left him either. (whispers) That's why the place is up for rent. Well, what do you think? Clean up the empty whiskey bottles and broken glass from shattered picture frames and it's home sweet home, right?"

       

          "Don't mind him. He's just sad she took his shirts and mousepad. Anyway, move in Sept 1st?"

There isn't another apartment in the building that is empty that you could show? It has to be the EXACT one that I'd be living in? If I was buying a used car from you, would you show me one only when the owner is in it?
"Okay, there he is. Now, when he stops at this light, we'll jump in and you can get a test drive.... Annnn, NOW!"
(Jumps into car. Slam doors.)
"What the hell is going on?"
"Hey, you wanted me to sell your car, right? Well, I got a buyer here. Just keep driving. (Turns to potential buyer). So, as you can see, it's quite roomy. You can throw McDonald's bags on the floor here as he has if you wish, and the ashtray can hold about (dumps change from the ashtray into his hand and counts it) about six dollars and fifty cents. Any questions?"

Apartment brokers are a strange thing. You hire someone to look up apartments for you, to find exactly what you're looking for so that you don't have to worry about it. For that service, brokers charge a fee of one months rent that goes to them. I understand that, but if you look up an apartment yourself on craigslist, there should not be a fee. You found it!
"Hi. I'm calling about the piano you had for sale for 400 dollars?"
"Hey. Yes, it's four hundred dollars, plus a four hundred dollar finders fee."
"... Um, what do you mean? I found it. I didn't hire you to find it."
"But I put up the ad. You don't think I deserve four hundred dollars for that?"
"No!"
"Well, someone out there will. Good luck piano hunting."

Brokers will also try to talk you into things you don't want.
         

"Look, I know you're in the market for a suit, but what about this apartment! That funeral can wait. This beautiful space won't."

I'm sure with renting apartments years ago there was a bit of a 'I'll take your word on it' policy. Now? Absolutely not. You can't just get an apartment based on the fact that you used to pay rent at your old place. They want bank statements, pay stubs, two pieces of I.D., credit check, your whereabouts the night that a woman suspiciously disappeared,  and proof of income. There probably used to be a 'you seem like a good person' type attitude toward renting an apartment. Or at least someone could just talk to your former landlord and be comfortable knowing that you had always paid your rent. But then some jerks went and destroyed a place, didn't pay rent, and just split. So, because of them, the whole process is ridiculous.
"Okay, before I rent this place to you, I have a few questions. Do you smoke?"
"Nope."
"That's good. Do you own any pets?"
"Nope. Not one."
"Okay, great. Have you ever gotten 'the end of the week because I work very hard and you don't even appreciate what I do around here, Sarah! All you do is spend my money and bitch at me about not doing the laundry' drunk screaming match with your girlfriend, then split town without letting your landlord know and left your apartment looking like a dumpster behind Sizzler?"
"... What?"
"Hesitation, huh? Well, that can only mean one thing. Thanks for coming in."

"Why do I need seven references? Check out this room.... Yeah. So, who can I call? Do not say 'Shirley's Donuts."

Twitter @nathanmacintosh

Zombie Movies. I can't.

I haven't seen too many zombies movies that I've liked. 'Night of the Living Dead' I think is a great movie. 'Dawn of The Dead' was pretty fun. 'Walking Dead' was something I couldn't get into. An entire show about people running from zombies? It's hard to give a two hour movie about it a decent amount of attention. How can I keep caring for six years? But even though I've never been a huge fan of them, I saw the trailer for World War Z and was interested. It looked as though it would be a bit different from normal zombie movies. Went to see it, and within fifteen minutes was reminded of why I'm not interested in these movies.

One of the things I can't get over, is that for some reason in zombie movies, people just know what to do. One minute, people are driving to work, everything in their life is zombie free. They woke up a bit late, didn't have time to eat anything more than half a bagel, have to sit in a meeting they don't want to be in. Then, bam! Zombies attack! And without even a thought, they snap right into 'zombie apocalypse mode'. Kicking zombies in the face, running them over, shooting them in the head with guns they've found and probably never used before. Calm as hell. No screaming. No freaking out. Jut an easy transition.

"I can't believe this traffic. I'm already late. And why won't this soft rock station play Peter Framptons' 'Baby I love your way'? It really soothes my... huh. THAT'S a whole lot of zombies coming at me right now. Well, good thing I took that 'Zombies are coming one day you idiot' survival class. Time to turn this car lighter into a flaming nail thrower. Let's do it, Zombies."

It's hard to stay interested as well because without people around, zombies do nothing. They don't do anything! With no humans in sight, zombies just stand there, snarling and spitting, cracking their jaws and bobbing back and forth. Vampires form gangs and fight each other. Werewolves only turn into werewolves at certain times so when they are people they can go to work, have regular lives, go out for drinks. Anything!

"Man, my weekend was nuts. I went to a club, got loaded and took these two girls back to my house. They both passed out as we were walking in. One fell through a glass table, the other rolled back down the front steps. Crazy, man."

"Your weekend was nuts? Mine was INSANE. I turned into a beast and tore three families in half. It was disgusting. Worst part is I blew through my new Lacoste dress shirt. Well, not the WORST part, but that shirts ruined."

It adds depth to them. Vampires and werewolves can be characters. Zombies? Nothing. They either stand like they're waiting for a bus, or they run at you like they are trying to catch a bus.

Zombies don't talk, either. They can't carry a story. Vampires talk. Werewolves can talk. Not one word comes out of a zombies mouth. They don't talk amongst themselves or come up with plans as to what their next moves are. The only thing they've ever said is 'brains'. That's it. 'Brains'. For some reason, when people become zombies, they only say the thing that they want to eat. Only onset illness that happens with. Nobody gets type two diabetes and gets stuck on a verbal loop of one junk food.

"Sir, I have bad news for you. You have onset diabetes."

"Oh, no. Really? What do I...do....do....donut. Doooonut. Dooonutsssss."

"... They always start saying 'donuts' before I have a chance to tell them that all they have to do is take insulin. Oh, well. Glad I'm not a donut."

Now zombies don't even eat brains, so they don't say anything. They eat arms, legs, hips, hands. Everything. I guess it wouldn't make sense for them to say anything.

"Oh, no! A zombie!"

"People paaaarrrtsss! Peeeeeooople paaaarrrtttssss!"

"He wants to eat all of my parts! Ahhhhh!"

There is usually a virus that spreads, or something to that effect. In some of these movies, they have the audacity to not even tell you how that happened. They stay as vague as possible.

"How did this happen?"

"We're not too sure. It could have been a pigeon in India. Could have been mad cow disease. Could have been that guy who fell into the sewer system which is full of diseases and almost drowned. An EMT gave him mouth to mouth, then he kissed his girlfriend hello later that night, they broke up soon after and then both went on a mad tear of sexual exploits trying to get over each other. Could have spread that way. But, really, who cares? Let's just try to stop it."

"Well... I guess. We need to stop it regardless, but shouldn't we try to figure out where it came from? That could help us sto..."

"Hey! I said 'let's just try to stop it.' What I should have ended that sentence with is 'blindly'. Let's just to try and stop it blindly. Let's go!"

Zombies are not strong. They are not hard to kill. The only thing that sucks about them is that there are tons of them. Tons of anything would be hard to defeat. If ten thousand leaves flew at you, you're falling down. These movies would be the same if there was a hoard of kids running around. Do you think you could beat up or stop hundreds of kids that were trying to kill you? Doubt it.

"Huh. That school of children is foaming from the mouth and running right at me. Well, you want it kids? It's on! Kids are so easy to beat up. You jus..."

(Kids reach him. Beat him to the ground in a second.)

"Well, I spoke to soon. Tiny, sticky 'Dora The Explorer' shoes are crushing my head. I'm done!"

Zombies used to just walk, now they run at full tilt. Why? Probably because a walking zombie is boring and not scary at all. It's dragging itself down the street? Wow. Horrifying. Poison Ivy is scarier than this.

"Hey, man. Don't look now, but there is a zombie coming towards us."

"Is he walking?"

"Yeah."

"Cool. We've got at least twenty minutes. Not a big deal. So, back to what I was saying, I just did.... Ahhh! Ficus! Look out!"

"Noooo! I put my arm right in it! Oh, man. I'm gonna be itching for weeks. Oh, just so you know, the zombie fell down. He's trying to get up now. Doesn't look like it's working out. Continue your story."

twitter @nathanmacintosh