Laguardia. The little airport that could.

I have lived in New York for about a year and I fly in and out of it a decent amount. Anytime I can, I fly out of LaGuardia airport. It is so close that if it expanded, my house could potentially become a terminal.

"Whoa! What are you guys doing in my shower?"

"Well, technically you are in our shower. We have expanded to include the surrounding neighborhoods. Would you like to check in to your flight?"

"I'm not flying today."

"Well, check in for the next one! You probably don't need to. Now that I've seen you naked, I know it's you."

I think that's pretty great. Others, though, really cannot stand this airport.

People trash LaGuardia all the time. In May, it was actually ranked the worst airport in America. The worst! People tore it apart.

"It's dirty!"

"The ceilings are low!"

"It's too small!"

I absolutely love this airport. For many reasons, really. One reason – it is a ten-dollar cab ride from my house. Ten dollars! From an airport! 'Does he live in a terminal,' you ask? 'Is he a baggage handler who sleeps underneath one of the carts at night,' you wonder aloud?

"Well, I'm done for the day, boss. I'm going to curl up here on the jetway and get some shuteye."

"Go ahead. You've earned it. Wait, how have you found a way to sleep with all of these planes landing directly beside you?"

"I just try to picture myself dead. Works most of the time."

No. LaGuardia airport just happens to be in Queens, not far at all from where I live in Astoria. I like it because there is no way I will live this close to an airport again. Never. Unless one day, I move to Mexico to sell drugs and have my own airstrip on my property.

"Ah, my own airport. You know, this reminds me of the time I spent in New York. I lived really close to an airport."

"As close to this one, boss?"

"Who told you to speak to me! I am a drug kingpin and you are merely a man who moves suitcases from one spot to another. I will cut your head off! I will blow up your family! I will rain BULLETS UPON YOUR DREAMS! ...I'm sorry. I just have to practice being a druglord. You know how it is. Only my third week. But to answer your question, yes. Yes, it was this close."

In May, there was a poll on "The Ten Worst Airports in America". What was number one? LaGuardia. But the top five included EVERY airport in New York. All three airports made the top five. Basically, if you want to fly to New York, just don't. Drive, get a bus, hike, walk, ride a horse, crawl. Apparently ANYTHING is better than landing here.

"Where are you flying?"

"New York."

"Yikes! Hope it's not into any of the airports."

"Well... yeah, of course it is. Where else would it land?"

"Whoa! That's awful! Landing at an airport in New York? Bud, if you can, right before the plane lands, jump out. The pain you feel when you hit the tarmac will be less than the pain you feeling having to wait an extraordinary amount of time for your bag. Trust me. I waited there a month ago. The whole time, all I could think was, "I'd rather have cracked my head on the runway than wait for my own stuff."

I'm honestly not sure why it matters that much how good an airport is. Do planes land there? Will the plane that I'm on let me get off of it at this particular location? What else is there?

"It's not clean."

How long are you going to be spending in this airport? If it were great, would you just hang out there?

"I'm kinda hungry."

"Me too. You want to head to the gorgeous food court at the airport?"

"The airport? Why would we go out there?"

"Man, have you been there!? It's amazing! So many food options. It's really the only place I eat since they fixed it up. Oh, and the shopping? Unbelievable. They truly have the best selection of Lacoste polos in the city."

"...You don't wear Lacoste polos."

"Not the ones found out in these dirty streets! But the ones from the airport? They're something else."

LaGuardia is a small airport, but I don't know why that's a problem for people. You can still fly out of it. It's not as if you show up and hope that your plane will be leaving.

"I have a flight out of LaGuardia. It's so tiny that they draw numbers to see which planes will be flying out. I hope to JESUS they draw mine this time. Come on, six!"

You are still able to get out of the airport. You can still fly! Why does it matter that it's small?

"Man, what an inconvenience. This airport is so small; I can get directly to my gate in four minutes. That's ridiculous! I want to have to drag my bag through the airport, past the little mall that most other airports have. This airport doesn't even have an L.L. Bean store that I can walk by and think, 'Who the hell would shop at the airport?' Why take that joy away from me, LaGuardia? Why!?"

LaGuardia airport feels homey. It's almost as if you are landing in your grandmother's house. It's small enough that it feels as if it's hugging you when you land there. The ceilings are just as low and it's starting to fall apart just like your grandmother's.

"Watch out for the crown molding, honey. Last night a tile fell off and hit me right in the face! Blew my dentures right out. I laid on the floor for an hour before I was able to get up. Either way, would you like a cookie?"

The bigger an airport gets, the more completely useless things appear in it. A lot of airports are too big and just end up having a ton of things in them that you don't need.

"You know, we have four hundred gates here, but I'm thinking that we are missing something."

"I was thinking the same thing. …I know! What about a barber shop?"

"Yeah, that's great! For people who have layovers that are three days long, they can keep their hair looking great!"

"Exactly! And what about a tire rotation and oil change booth?"

"I love it! For the people who drive to the airport to park and fly. Before they leave, they can get a check-up on their car while they wait for their bags!"

"Right! Oh, oh. And what about a delivery room for women who just land and are tired of carrying around that bothersome baby?"

"Dear, God! This is going to be the biggest, best airport in the world!"

People talk badly about airports as if everything is completely fine with the planes. Too small, no leg room, people in front of you couldn't care less if you have knees after the flight and will lean their chair right into your face.

"Excuse me, do you mind not looking me in the eyes? I know I'm in your lap, but I paid for this seat and all of the leaning back it can do."

Why, though, are we so worried about the place the plane lands when the device that flew us to this location is not great? If you rented a car that was terrible to drive to Buffalo, you can't JUST be mad at Buffalo when you get there.

"This car had no room for me to put my stuff, I had to pay extra just to be able to roll down the windows and be comfortable, and it was RUDE to me the entire way. Man, I'm going to take all of this anger out on the place the car took me. Buffalo! Here I come, you garbage city. I hate everyone who lives here, and your ridiculous questions like, "Man, it must be cold in Canada, huh? Like the ice ages." You can see Canada! You see any Mastodons walking around over there! God, I hate this place."

Also, flights to LaGuardia actually end up where they say they are going. In New York. LaGuardia is actually IN New York. That's a big one for me. An airport that is where it says that it is. If you are flying from Canada with Porter, they will tell you they fly to New York.

"New York? Of COURSE we go there! Why would we not fly to the greatest city on earth? You can't be an airline and not fly to such a tourist destination."

But they do not fly to New York. Nope. Where do they land? Newark, New Jersey. Admittedly, New Jersey is not insanely far from New York, but it is New Jersey. New York? No. No, it is not. It is the state beside New York. They fly into a different state! Not only do they not fly into New York City, they don't even land in New York state! The entire state – they don't touch it. New Jersey is a completely different place, with different laws. One law that's different in New Jersey is that you need a state permit to purchase a long gun. New York? Not at all. You can walk right in and get one.

"Where's my permit? Hey, eat it, buddy. I was almost pissed on three times on the way over here by people who thought I was a unicorn. Gimme the damn long gun, pal."

Why do people allow this? Yeah it's close, but it's not where it says it's going.

"All right, everyone. We are now going to start our non-stop flight to Orlando, Florida. Now that the doors are closed and there's nothing you can do, I'll tell you that we'll be flying to Jacksonville! Yes, you're right, it's NOT Orlando, but it is closer to Orlando than where you are right now. Right? Am I right? We will be coming around soon with complimentary peanuts for everyone. 'Peanuts' is a loose term. It also encompasses poisons and snake venom, so who knows what you'll get. We just never say what we mean around here!"

Twitter @nathanmacintosh

Gun Control. Shoot if you hear me.

There have been many shootings in the last year, especially in the last three months. Most people would think there's been many in America, but in the last three months there have been a number of shootings in Canada, too. What is happening? Why are all of these shootings taking place? Honestly, I don't think anyone should care about that. People should care about getting rid of one of the major problems here. Guns.

The NRA will puke in your face if you talk about getting rid of guns. In their opinion, guns are not the problem. The guns are just chilling, trying to enjoy themselves before animals come by and pick them up.

"Come on! Why'd he have to shoot that family of baby gorillas with a gun? What's his problem? Did he HAVE to soil the good name of guns? Don't blame the gun. It didn't do anything! That gun was minding its own business, just being cool, before that idiot misused it."

"Isn't its function to kill?"

"Its first function is being cool. That is a fact." 

I love the NRA slogan. I always thought that should have been part of Charlton Heston's wedding speech.

"Do you take this woman to love and to hold 'til death do you part?"

Charlton Heston turns to the crowd and raises his wife's arm.

"...From my cold dead hands!"

The ONLY purpose of a gun is to kill. That is it. Nothing else at all. That is all it was made for. Knives have other functions. Bo staffs can be turned into mops. Nunchucks can even be used as a no-nonsense fan.

"Whoa, I'm hot."

"Here, let me cool you off."

"Ummm, aren't those weapons that you're spinning beside my head?"

"Currently, no. They are a chilling device like no other. Harm or shame my family, though, and they will kill you."

Guns can't do anything else but kill. That is all. What else can you use a gun for?

"Can you pass me that wooden spoon? I need to stir this pasta."

"Oh, I don't have a wooden spoon. Here, use this M-16 barrel."

"... Is that safe?"

"Of course. Just don't touch the trigger. I know, it'll be hard to not touch the trigger because you're used to a wooden spoon that has no trigger, but trust me, stay away from it."

I love when people say that if we all had guns, no one would shoot anyone else. Then why do gangs shoot at other gangs? Other gangs have guns. Why did cowboys shoot at each other? They could SEE that the other cowboy had a gun. He carried it on his waist! If everyone had a gun, there would still be shootings. People wouldn't become more civilized if everyone had a gun.

"Hey, man, give me your money!"

"Or else what?"

"Wow, wow. I didn't know you had a gun as well. This really changes things. Not gonna lie… kinda puts a damper on my plans here. I was going to take your money and put it into my savings account. I have a 2.7% interest rate."

"2.7%?! How did you get that?"

"Ah, well, I could go into detail with you. Would you like to grab a cocoa and discuss this financial matter, gentle sir?"

"Indeed I would, used-to-be-attacker. Indeed I would. Let me buy the cocoa."

"No, please, please. I pulled a loaded weapon on you, sir. The least I could do is buy you a beverage."

"Nonsense. I insist, young man. The delicious liquid is on me."

What do we need guns for? In all seriousness, what is the purpose? For a regular human – not a cop, not someone in the army – to have a gun? Hunting? Protecting yourself? Possibly just because you are allowed to have one? That seems like the true purpose.

"Legally, I can – so I am going to get a gun and damn anyone to hell who is going to try and stop me!"

"But why do you need it?"

"Need? I didn't say need. I'm allowed. So I'm going to do it! Just like I'm legally allowed to eat Funions. So I do it! I'm buying a gun and then I'm buying Funions. That's how this Tuesday is going to go. Doing all of the things I'm legally allowed to do!"

There are people who just plain love guns. Love guns and don't want them taken away. I say, they'll get over it. People lose things all the time that they love. Spouses, blankets, a certain stuffed animal, shoes, cars. If any of those things were written down as law maybe people would fight for them more.

"It says in the fifteenth amendment that legally my first blanket ever is not allowed to be thrown out by anyone in my family, even if they say it's 'taking up space in the garage'. Well, get a bigger garage, mom! You can't infringe on my rights!"

Let's get rid of these guns! We do not need them. What are we afraid will happen if we don't have them? Will a giant crayfish come out of the ocean and eat us all? Look, we can make some more guns if a fifty-foot crayfish attacks a city. That's when we'll pull them out. When a fifty-foot crayfish attacks a place, we'll start up the AK-47 factory again.

"Sir! There is a giant crustacean attacking Delaware!"

"...My God. I never thought it would come to this. All right, blow the dust off of that lever and pull it. We'll take 'Jay-Z/Kanye word' fish out the old fashion way. Bullet-ly."

"...Do you always have to say a witty one-liner before you get a gun?"

"Yes. The safety won't come off of them if you don't. I once tried to fire at a moose by saying, 'It's you or me, moose. Have you herd?' The gun jammed. I was nearly trampled to death."

Gun enthusiasts say they need guns to hunt. I understand that to a point, but people hunted without guns before and got it done. I think innocent people are more important than making hunting easier.

"There haven't been any shootings in years! It's great that they banned guns. Only thing that sucks now is that I have to get right up on a deer and slit his throat. I tell ya, it's really made hunting harder. I feel safer everywhere I go now, but the hunting? Whoa. I should be able to stand back and shoot the deer like a man from a distance and not feel its last breath while it dies in my arms, but I get it, I get it. We're safer. Thanks, guys."

People want to hunt, fine. But handguns? Can we at least get rid of those? There is no point of anyone having one. You are not going to hunt with one. Never. You will never need that, unless you are going to rob a deer.

"Ah, what's up, deer? Thought you could just prance through this forest all carefree, huh? Not today, bud! Gimme them antlers! That's right. Hand them over! Yo, give me some of that sweet fur, too. You think I'm messing around, deer? Well, I ain't! And gimme that cute look on your face!"

Gun lovers will also say they need guns to protect their houses, family and land.

"What if some nut rushes in here with a gun? I can't have one to protect myself? The law protects the criminal more than the victims!"

Why is it only the weapons that people want to emulate? A guy rushes in with a gun, he has a gun, and I should be able to have a gun. Why do we not believe that we should have the mindset of a maniac who will run into a house to combat a maniac running into your house?

"He's allowed to walk in here and kill people, and I can't even tell the bank teller that I'll choke her if she doesn't hurry up?! I have to protect myself. Where's the justice!?"

Guns aren't safe, so we shouldn't have them at all. In school, one person could ruin it for everyone.

"Well, Tom put gum under his desk and it got stuck to Susan's dress, so no more gum."

"Ah, geez! Thanks, Tom! I guess I'll just chew on my thoughts from now on."

We would live with that. And nobody died. Gum didn't kill anyone. People don't have this attitude when it comes to guns. People shoot and KILL innocent, random people, and we don't have the 'one person can ruin it' rule. People argue about it.

"Why should I lose my gun because some nut shot up a busy intersection!? I'm not crazy, he is. This is ridiculous. Obviously keep guns away from him. I just have guns in my home incase someone like him rushes in here. If you catch all of the people like him, I won't ever have to use my gun. So what are you waiting for? Hunt down the crazies and lock them up!"

The one person can ruin for everyone rule doesn't apply to guns at all.

What is the giant fear that people have of these elusive 'somebody's who are going to attack and kill us all.

"Those mutants are out there, and when they inevitably run at my house – I'll be ready."

Where are these people? Where! And why are we so afraid of them? You ever see a crazy person on the street? Some guy just screaming to himself about how he's going to kill someone?

"Take my pigeon! I'll show that dirtbag. I'll choke my pigeon!"

He's not scary, right? You just walk by him and keep going. Give that guy a gun and see how scary he becomes. We're only scared of crazy people who have guns, so WHY NOT GET RID OF THE GUNS! WHY!?

"Well, because if we don't have guns, then someone will get a gun and we'll need one."

People only have guns because they're scared other people have guns. If no one had guns, you wouldn't have to worry about that.

"Well, what about if they had a knife? Or a taser? Or a katana? Or a four-foot long samurai sword? Oh, oh, or what if they had a pocket full of piranhas that they were going to throw at you?"

Fine! I get it. You know what? No more guns, but we'll all carry missiles.

Twitter @nathanmacintosh

The border.

I have been living in America for almost a year now. I have a work visa to be here and I travel back and forth to Canada fairly often. A necessity for getting into either country is crossing the border. You'd think it would be easy to do with a visa, right? I have the proper papers to get in and out. But even with a visa, is this easy? Not really. Without a visa, was it easier? Kind of. Now that I'm allowed back and forth, they almost seem angrier with me than when I wasn't.

"What? You're allowed in here now? No, no, no. There has to be some kind of mistake. See, in America… we're American. You are Canadian. Do you see hear where the problem lies?"

The border is a necessary evil that has to be dealt with, but must everyone be so on edge? So angry? So uptight?

Since I have been crossing the border, it has always been a nerve-racking experience. There is nothing relaxed about it.

"Passport?"

"Yes, here you g..."

"Boo!"

"Ah!"

"Haha. Just keeping you alert. Give me that passport."

I can only assume that it wasn't always like this. Maybe there was a point in time when crossing the border was fun.

"Hey! Well, how the hell are you? Want to come into our country, huh? Why'd you even stop? Get the hell in there and buy all the cigarettes you can!"

Probably not, but one can imagine.

When crossing the border, why are these people so rude? There isn't a group that you will have to deal with who is as rude as the border people.

"Sir, your ex-wife is on line two, and for some strange reason, a border guard is on line three."

"What? Dear God. Put me on with my ex-wife. At least she'll ask me how I'm doing, no matter how sarcastic."

Border guards have dead eyes and tones that suggest they would cut a small child in half without even thinking about it.

"It'd be nice if that kid would stop crying. I mean, I'm just trying to enjoy this Taco Bell in a food court."

"I'll handle it."

"Handle it? Yeah, wouldn't that be great? Just grab the kid and… WHOA! What the hell are you doing?! You just ripped that kid in half!"

"I work at the border. I haven't felt an emotion in years. Now, you were saying? About the food court?"

"Yeah... food court... I was... GOD, MAN! A kid in half!"

It seems to be the only place where you are expected to have the indifference of T-1000. What is the training like to be a border guard? What rigorous steps are taken to make sure that you feel no emotion whatsoever anymore?

"Guys, I don't know what you were told about this job, but you are going to be dealing with the public."

"That's great. I have a lot of training in customer service."

"Wow, that is great! You're fired. We are not looking for people who know how to deal with the public. We're looking for people who when they step onto a bus, no matter what time of day, they scare the other passengers."

"I don't know about PEOPLE, but I'm scared of pit bulls that come onto the bus."

"Exactly. That's why all of you will be participating in dog fighting."

"Dog fighting?"

"Yes. Dog fighting. You will be trained to become a dog, and then fight other dogs as a dog. And if you don't kill the other dog, you'll die, but not only that, you will not get this job. You want to make some money? You'll learn how to bite a throat."

Sometimes you'll go through the border, and the person you talk to is really nice. RARELY does that happen, and it's probably because that person is fired right away.

"Excuse me, Chris? Can I talk to you for a second?"

"Of course, sir!"

"Ah, God. What did we tell you? When someone is nice to you, you throw some cut eye and say something to make that person feel the way their mom used to when they came home drunk at sixteen. That's how it's done! And did I just hear you tell those people that you let through to 'Have a nice day'?"

"Yes, sir. They were very nice. They are going home and I just thought tho..."

"You're being nice to these people? What the hell is wrong with you!? Look at Steve over there. He's practically jumping out of his booth and punching people in the face! You're holding their hands! That's it. Last week you looked someone in the eye and said 'Hello' and today you wish someone a 'nice day'? You're warned, bud. One more nice thing gets said to these criminals coming through here and you'll be cleaning bathrooms at truck stops."

What do these people do when they are not at work? I'd love to follow one of them around for a day that they're off. I assume that they kick kids, burn cotton candy and pop balloons all day.

"Ah, day off. I guess I indulge in one of my many hobbies. Heading down to the playground to pour water on the sand and turn it into mud. Maybe today, a kid will start to sink in it. One can only hope. God, one can only hope!"

Or they are just ushered back to the cave where they were taken from for the job.

"All right, shift's over. Put your cloak back on, pick up your lantern, and head back down to Middle-earth."

"But, sir, I was hoping that tonight maybe I could go down to the river and grab trout out of the water for myself and my family."

"You know damn well that Friday is 'Fish for your Family' day. It's Monday, Cre-ork. Back to the cave!"

"But, sir! The underworld is a dark and cruel place and I ca..."

"What did I say?! Your ghoulish problems are your ghoulish problems! 'Fish for your Family' day is Friday!"

When driving through, people are not nice. Flying through? Much of the same. But when flying, how many times does your boarding pass have to get scanned? Are all of these necessary? The last time I went through – seven times. Seven! Where do all of these scans go?

"All right, we've got a reading here. This man just went five steps from his last location. Shall I scan him again?"

"Of course! Six steps allows them to plot terrible things. Scan it now before it's too late!"

Why would they do it this much? It's not a movie ticket stub. We know that we can't just throw it out and still get on the plane.

"Where's your boarding pass?"

"Oh, I threw it out. I was just here, though. I am just running to the bathroom on the other side of security."

"Sir, you can't get in this section without a boarding pass."

"Ah come on, man! I threw it out! I didn't want to hold a boarding pass, my passport, my bag, and this copy of last month's Esquire magazine that your beautiful bookstores refuse to throw out but will not sell for a cheaper price. I mean, I don't have three hands!"

If I've gotten to you, sixth guy who stands and scans my boarding pass, do you not think I have a boarding pass? How would I get this far without one! Just making up stories the whole way?

"Sir, where's your boarding pass?"

"Ah, God. Do I have to do this again? I just made up five different stories to five different people about why I don't have one. Do you really need me to lie to you as well?"

"Yes. I'm the sixth guy. You don't think the sixth guy deserves a story?"

"Man, a sixth story! Okay. Ummm, let's see. I put my boarding pass down on the wing of a plane that I didn't think was going to be taking off for awhile, and low and behold, it took off!"

"Hmm, that's not bad! Did you just come up with that now?"

It seems they do all of these boarding pass checks and angrily ask questions because they want you to be so afraid that you start to believe you may have done something wrong.

"Where am I going? Where was I? Who am I? Where are my papers? Man, did I do something wrong? I just watched a movie where four hundred people were shot by Sylvester Stallone. Wait, was that a movie? Maybe it was me. Oh, man! I think I shot up a village! I'm sorry! I don't even know how I got to Burma! Dear God! I may have also beat Apollo Creed for the title. Help me!"

The border really seems as though they want everyone to be horrified on the way through. The regulations, the cold language, the protocol. Everything is designed to make you afraid that you've done something wrong. If they want everyone to be scared, they should turn the border into a Screamers haunted house.

"Okay, you want to cross? Well, all you have to do is go through this haunted house and answer security questions at the same time. If you get too scared, you can say chicken at any time and we'll let you out, but if you do that, you'll be rectally searched. Cool? Ahh! Man! You should have seen the look on your face. Okay, now head toward the dark room full of chainsaw noises and be prepared to answer the question, 'Are you bringing anything with you?'."

I completely understand that there have to be security checks at the border, but has being angry and rude ever stopped anyone from doing anything bad? Is that a deterrent?

"Well, I have NEVER been talked to this way. I am beyond offended. How can they talk to me like this? I'm a human being, dammit! I am so upset, I'm not even going to put my pipe bomb in the washroom anymore. I'll come back when these people decide to be a LITTLE NICER! Yeah, I'm talking to you. Thanks for making me feel bad."

Is that something that's going to happen? No! People who wouldn't do anything wrong are probably pushed to it by the way they are talked to at the border.

"I can't believe the way I was just talked to. I feel like taking a hostage I'm so mad!"

I figured that as a Canadian, crossing the border into America may be a problem, but going home I thought it would be easy. I thought it would be simple coming back into the country, but now I get asked a question that really bugs me.

"What's the purpose of your trip to Canada?"

"The purpose of my trip? I believe what you were trying to say is, 'Welcome back'?"

What do you mean what's the purpose of my trip? I'm from here! I can get an apartment right here at the border if I want. I can walk right into that hospital and say, "Yo, I'm one of yours! Do I have cancer? Sweet, thanks for checking! Peace!"