Christmas music. There is no need.

There was a point in time when Christmas music would only play in December. You know – the month that Christmas is in? Then came the time when companies thought, "Hey, we can get a jump on this and start playing Christmas music the last week of November." Fine, but now? Christmas music starts playing the first week of November! First week! Of the MONTH BEFORE! Will this trend keep going?

"Wow, I can't believe August is over already. September 1st! Well, time for the Christmas music."

"What? It's not even fall yet!"

"What – you don't like Christmas music? Wow, why don't you just punch Santa and kick kids!"

People come in to stores and think, "Oh, Christmas music! I love it!" But do you ever take a second to think about the people who work in that store? Sure, to come in for ten minutes is nice. But to work there for eight hours a day, four or five days a week? You'll want to blow your eggnog off! When I was working at Starbucks, we would get the Christmas CD on November 1st! 1st! And it had to be played! The CEO, Howard Schultz, must have thought that was hilarious.

"Make them listen to the Christmas music everyday."

"But, sir! There are only twelve Christmas songs! They'll go insane!"

"I know! Isn't it hilarious? Not only do they have to deal with anal people who want a drink at a certain temperature, but to do that while listening to "Chestnuts Roasting on an Open Fire"? Oh, man. One day, when you own people, you'll understand. Now get out! I have to kick this homeless guy for an hour."

That's the hilarious twist to Christmas music. It’s the same twelve songs over and over and over again. No new songs! Never! Even when they say,

"Some new Christmas music for all you Christmas lovers out there! Rudolph the Red Nosed Reindeer – by Pink!"

An artist can't just sing a song they haven't sung before and have it be called a 'new' song. IT'S THE SAME OLD SONG! Why do we want every artist to sing Christmas songs? WHY?! How did we let this happen? There's no other genre of music that we would accept this with.

"God, I love John Denver, but have you heard Lil Wayne’s version of ‘Thank God I'm a Country Boy’? Huge. Or John Denvers version of A Milli?! Amazing."

Also, Christmas music is so old! It's the equivalent of listening to music made in the 14th century.

"Oh, what's that? The lute?! Turn that up, sire!"

Some new Christmas music has come out over the years. Justin Bieber has a new Christmas album out. WITH THE SAME TWELVE SONGS AND A COUPLE OF NEW ONES! I don't think any new Christmas song, though, can be sung by a white guy saying "shawty". Nope. Can't happen. Frank Sinatra didn't sing "I Saw That Dame Kissing Santa Claus" or "That Old Chick got run over by a Reindeer."

I honestly am not a fan of anyone who truly likes Christmas music. I like Christmas, but the music? You know the people. The people who will play Christmas music in their car. Christmas music while driving!

"Alright, we have a five hour trip, and I brought Christmas music sung by various artists! It's going to be so festive!"

"Oh, nice! To make it really festive, I hope we crash into a pine tree!"

"Oh, that would be the best! We would be like presents for the ambulance drivers! Yaaaa!"

Christmas is shoved in your face. Heaven forbid you have a bad day in the Christmas season, because some over-involved soccer mom who’s trying to fill up the time so her past pain doesn't catch up to her, will say, "Oh, what's wrong? Come on! Get in the Christmas spirit for Pete's Sake!"
Is there any Christmas spirit left? I thought you may have used all of it to decorate your Crocs.

Most families don't talk all year, and then are supposed to come together on one magical day of the year and have the best time of their lives? I'm sure that for at least fifty percent people, that is not a reality. What happens is – people show up and yell about unresolved problems.

"I'm so happy everyone could make it here for Christmas! Chris, would you like to say grace?"

"Grace? We're not even eating at a table, and it's just you and me here!"

"Chris, now is not the time."

"It's never the time! Where the hell was dad? Why did you never hug me as a kid!? I'm twenty eight and can't love! Get this turkey out of my face!"

Christmas commercials are the worst things on the planet. Only full families and houses are represented. Are these the only people who celebrate Christmas? Gorgeous families with gorgeous dogs, gorgeous Christmas trees, gorgeous presents under these trees, a gorgeous spread of food on gorgeous tables, two gorgeous parents, and the ugliest sweaters ever made? Christmas commercials show boats, big houses, dogs who have jackets and engraved food dishes, and beautiful families. You know, really disgusting things. Sentences said between father and son like,

"Son, do you mind bringing me my slippers?"

"Which ones, dad? The Mario Andretti Ferrari ones or the Yankees Commemorative World Series ones?"

"Now son, does it really matter?"

"...Hahahahah... oh, my. We are really in love and live good lives."

I grew up in an apartment. My life is NOT represented at Christmas time on TV. Except when there is a movie about a cop who has lost everything. His partner was hit by a stray Tomahawk missile, and his wife was blown up by a car bomb that was meant for him. He's alone on Christmas, in an apartment, holding a gun in one hand and a bottle of whiskey in the other, trying to figure out which one to put in his mouth. What I grew up in is only used at Christmas time to show someone at their lowest!

"Merry Christmas, whiskey. Merry Christmas, Glock .45. Which one of you will follow me under the mistletoe?"

I used to be upset that my life wasn't the same as what is shown on TV at Christmas time, but then I realized that the people who live the way TV shows usually end up in the paper. With a quote from a neighbor , "He was just a nice guy. I can't believe he choked an entire swim team to death with a Christmas reef while singing 'Silent Night'. Wow. Just a nice guy."

Positive thinking. We're not still going with this, right?

Positive thinking. It's become the mantra said to you no matter what is happening.

"This shark is biting my leg!"

"Just think positive! Positivity is poison to sharks! ...Where did you go? Are you going under the water to yell at the shark, "I'm a positive person! Taste the poison!"...Jeff?!" 

Positive thinking is not the only way any of us are going to live well.

Celebrities say, "Just think positive and work hard." Garbage! You forgot to mention, "Have a marketing team and managers!" You don't get on a billboard in Times Square just because you thought, "Man, all days are lovely days."

No! You have a manager in a suit, yelling at other men in suits.

"If you don't put my client on a billboard in Times Square, your kid’s blood will RAIN DOWN ON YOUR HEAD! Is that what you want? It to RAIN YOUR CHILD’S BLOOD!"

Oprah used to say, "You can get whatever you want by thinking positive!" Tell that to the people who have HIV who aren’t Magic Johnson.

"Just think positively, guys. I beat it, so can you."

"...But you have millions of dollars for treatments..."

"You know how I got this money?"

"...By thinking positively?"

"No, by playing basketball! Now think positive!"

Thinking positive cannot be your only tactic on achieving what you want in this life. If you only think positively, you're not going to get what you want. If you really want to be an actor, but all you do is sit on a couch and think good thoughts, you will be a person who calls themselves an actor and sits on the couch thinking good thoughts.

"I really want to be an actor. If I just think about how cool it's going to be, I'll get there. Man, it's gonna be sooo great. I'll be able to afford a way more comfortable couch and way more delicious chips! Come on dream career, I'm positiviting the hell out of this!"

A lot of people will say "think positive" just to shut you up.

"How do I get to where you are? How do I achieve my... "

"Woah, woah, woah. Just relax and think positive, okay? That's all you have to do."

"What about all of the training you did in the gym? Doesn't that have anyth..."

"Are you still here? Man, I said, THINK POSITIVE. What part of that do you not understand? That's all you have to do. Now get away from me. I have a lot of crunches, pull-ups. sit ups, running, sparring, dips, curls, squats, suicide drills, swimming and taiwanese kickboxing to do. Just THINK POSITIVE!"

There are some points in life, though, that positive thinking really won't help. You're hungry? You can't just think positive thoughts about food and have food show up.

"Let's do this, Buffalo wings! I'm positively thinking hard!"

"Here are the wings you ordered, sir. That'll be twelve dollars."

"I knew it would work! Now, to pay this bill by thinking positively. Hmmpphhff... bill paid yet?"

"... just give me the twelve dollars."

Thinking positively, in most cases, is a good way to live, though. It does help you to say "I can" as apposed to "I cannot". It helps your mood and makes you a more attractive person. Anyone want to talk to the guy at a party who is in the corner with his head down? Maybe for a minute.

"Hi, how are you doing?"

"The world is awash with greed and fire is raining in my head constantly. This beer is flat and I can't love anymore."

"...Nice! Well, enjoy your night!"

But people say "think positive" as if negative thinking has never brought us anything good. Negative thinking has brought us some great art. There are songs, movies, and pieces of art that are fantastic, and in no way could they have been brought to us if the people making them had thought positively. We wouldn't have Edvard Munch’s "The Scream" had he been thinking positively.

"What are you working on?"

"Oh, just a painting with a man holding his face, screaming on a boardwalk into the night, with what looks like a vortex from hell behind him."

"...Oohhh...why?"

"Because I'm in a really good place right now."

If you like country music, you can forget about it ever being around if country stars were going to think positively. Definitely old country stars. You think country music superstar George Jones came up with "He Stopped Loving Her Today" while thinking about birds and cotton candy? 

"Woo, today is great! Cotton candy in my country-music-superstar hand. Birds chirping in my country-music-superstar ears. Wait, I feel a song coming on! A song called... "He Stopped Loving Her Today"! Arguably, the saddest song ever made! Thank you, positive thinking and gorgeous day for bringing this song to my mind."

No! It was a terrible day in his life – and because of that he came up with music that has helped people when they have terrible days.

Without thinking negatively we wouldn't have Million Dollar Baby. Million Dollar Baby! That movie is fantastic! Sad, inspirational, sad again, more inspiration. Movies with endings like "The Wrestler". Yeah, it's sad, but how else would you end that movie?

"Randy "The Ram" with a Ram Jam! And oh, he hits it perfectly! Wait, what's happening here? Oh my god! Ed McMahon is coming down the ramp with a giant novelty cheque!"

"Yes, sir! Randy, I've been following your career and I don't think you deserve to be wrestling in these high schools and legions for no money. Here's a cheque for two million dollars! Ram Jam that all the way to the bank! WoooHaaaa!"

Sometimes you want to feel depressed. Sometimes there is no other way but to have a day where you are down. On days like that you need things to make you remember that you are not alone. If everyone and everything in the world were positive when you had a day like that, you would end it.

"Man, I'm having a really bad day guys."

"Oh, really? We have no idea what you are talking about. Not I, nor anyone I know has ever had a bad thought. We were just on our way to sit in a drum circle and hum positive affirmations. Would you like to join? "

"That's it, I'm out!"

Books like "The Secret" have really made people believe that if they think and believe hard enough, they will get what they want. All it really shows us is that we should all write books on thinking positively. With the money you'll make, it'll be hard for you to think negatively.

DJs. I think they're done.

Napster was a big deal when I was a teenager. It's how we listened to new music. It took an hour to get one song, but it was amazing! I remember trying so hard to find songs that DJ Clue wasn't on. That guy annoyed me so much. I'd wait an hour, the song would finally be downloaded, I'd press play, then ten seconds in:
"DJ Clue, Clue, Clue! I'm in the building! Shot out to DMX for this song! Get ‘em X, X, X! Shot out to my mom, my sister, the guy who sold me this hat, the airwaves, the future, the past, coconut water, water, water! Desert Storm in the building, building, building! Get ‘em X! You killing ‘em, ‘em, ‘em!"
Can you please shut up so I can hear this song? Why are you here? Did you make the beat? No, you didn't, so get out of here!

DJs love to talk over songs. Talk over "Billie Jean" as if it were missing something.
"I love Billie Jean, I just thought it needed a, "Is Franklin High in the place!" I wish I could have told Michael."

DJs used to scratch, blend, and remix songs BY HAND. Actually had turntables, and actually put music on. Grabbed a record, and placed it ON A RECORD PLAYER. Now, everything is on a computer. DJs don't have to do anything! Just put songs in a playlist and press play. Then put headphones over one ear, the other on their fitted hat, and pretend that something is being heard in either of them. What are you listening to!
"These headphones are connected to the DJ headquarters. Right now, they are saying to play an ol’ school Mase hit. Thanks, headquarters! I was about to go Usher, but I would have lost the crowd!"

DJs made sense at one point. For one, DJs did something. Also, THEY BROUGHT EQUIPMENT AND RECORDS THAT THEY PURCHASED! You have to be paid well when you have been buying records to play at parties. You are literally bringing the music! There was a point in time when you couldn't just get a song you wanted in a second. That was when DJs were needed. Who had hours worth of music that would be great for a party? Who was spending tons of money to collect music to play at parties? DJs!

Now, though? You could put an iPod in the place of a DJ. The only difference would be that the iPod wouldn't think it could sleep with every woman in the club. And ridiculous girls wouldn't think it was cool to sleep with the iPod.
"Man, that iPod is sexy. I'm gonna talk to him!"
"It's a machine, Stacey. There's nothing to sleep with."
"I don't care. I have to ride it. It plays music that I like!"

DJs have a TON of misplaced confidence. Have more confidence than Lebron would if he were also a lawyer and a racecar driver.
"I'm the man, son! I'm the best DJ in the land! Nobody plays records like me!"
...Did you hear what you just said? You're the best at pressing the play button?
"Yeah, that's what I said! Nobody presses play like DJ Play Press!"

There will come a time when DJs will be in museums.
"This, everyone, is a DJ. Also known as a Disc Jockey. DJs used to perform at shows and parties."
"Then what happened?"
"Well, a man named Steve Jobs came up with a handheld DJ that didn't even run on batteries! Some years later, DJs had him killed it’s presumed and told the world it was cancer."

It's ridiculous as well when you see a poster and it says, "Music by DJ Not Needed." Wait, wait. No, it isn't. Music isn't by this DJ, this music is by a bunch of artists! Does he own the music? Does he have a lock on everything by the Jackson 5? Nope, he just plays it.
"DJ Not Needed, we really want to listen to the Jackson 5, and not one of us knows how to work a stereo, computer or iPod!"
"You called the right person."

A DJ at a show makes sense. A DJ at a concert makes sense. A DJ at a club? Not necessary. There are a few DJs that are good. Some who make a night fun and get a crowd going. Most, though, are just ruining things. Ruining things from their pharmacist’s vantage point. Unless you are Dr. Dre, you should be on the floor with everyone else.
"Excuse, don't come up here. I'm a doctor of sound. Only I can be up this high."
"You just played LMFAO six times in a row. My diagnosis? Play something else."

DJs also make tons of money. Tons of money for PLAYING OTHER PEOPLES MUSIC. How the hell did this happen?
"We need some music for tonight's party. Will you take care of it?"
"Are you serious? I'm on chip detail and you want me to work music? What do I look like? A governor? I can't take care of all of this!"
"Look, you have to! You have a ton of records!"
"Man... alright. I'll do it... for a thousand dollars."
"A thousand dollars! You're just playing music!"
"You want music tonight? Or do you just want people rubbing chips together to hear a beat?"

How can we have commercials like, "For just forty cents a day, we can feed a child," when we are throwing money at a person whose robot replacement we have already made? How are we getting rid of cashiers at grocery stores for self-checkouts, but we're keeping DJs in clubs? We have made big machines to do what someone was doing for eight dollars an hour. We have tiny little machines that will do for free what a DJ charges two thousand dollars for! This should be the easiest move in history!
"Look, man. You've been replaced."
"What? But I'm DJ Kevin Mc-Kick Ass-tiler! When I'm in the building no one goes Home Alone! Who are you gonna get to do what I do?"
"I don't know, an old Sony Discman? It's either: pay for you or send my kid to a year of school."
"You'll be sorry! You fire me, you're not getting my hype men either, The Wet Bandits!"
"Ya know, your DJ name is a clever take on 'Home Alone', their name is a blatant rip off."
"Man, I know. We were gonna use the money from your show to pay for a think tank to come up with a better name."

With the money we could save on DJs, we could get some real things done. Fix roads, build hospitals, and send kids to school to learn how to MAKE music.
"I'm on the 'actually learn to make music and not just play other peoples songs and take some kind of ridiculous credit for it' scholarship."

Until that day, though, I guess DJs will still be in clubs with their clever names. I'm waiting for the day there is truth in their job. When a DJ will call himself, DJ "You Can Do This".