Sunday, June 24, 2012

Celebrities punching cameramen.


Alec Baldwin punched a cameraman in the face. Personally – I think that's great. I don't believe enough people get punched anymore. More people need to be checked. When LeBron did the hour long Decision, Michael Jordan should have been right there to smash him in the mouth.
"Are you serious? I played with the flu like a boss and you take an entire hour to say one sentence? Obama doesn't get that much airtime! They cut him off at half an hour!"
When Floyd Mayweather asked to get out of jail early (after beating his girlfriend infront of his kids) because the water in prison was bad and he couldn’t work out in there as well as he did on the outside? Should be hit in the back of the head with a barstool.
"Are you insane? You beat a woman infront of her kids and went to jail! You think it would be the Best Western?! Man, I should hit you again for fighting your girlfriend before Pacquiao."
The person who invented the self-checkout should be struck with a bamboo stick.
"Are you crazy? You thought it would be better to talk to a robot over a person who hates their life? They can be chatted up – this machine is a machine! And if you're bringing in self-checkouts then have the decency to get the real people out of here! They have to watch robots slowly take their job?!"
For some reason, though, when a celebrity attacks an "innocent, minding his own business" photographer, the world attacks the celebrity.

Whenever I hear these stories, I think they are great. When Russell Crowe hit that guy with a phone, when Sean Penn shot at helicopters, when Björk grabbed that woman’s hair. To me, that one just makes sense. Björk came off an insanely long flight. Just landed! You ever have a long flight? Something over twelve hours? You feel your normal, chipper self when you landed? You feel that you could have a conversation with the world when you leave the terminal? No! You want to punch the person next to you who's also waiting for their bag.
"If this guy doesn't stop chewing his gum so loud, I swear to God I'm gonna smash his head off of his iPad. Shut it down, chew-loud!"

People get so upset with celebrities when they attack someone.
"That cameraman was just doing his job! His insanely annoying and useless job. It's not his fault he has to be directly in your eye every time he snaps a photo. Leave him alone!"
I honestly don't understand why people try to defend these cameramen. Why! Why defend people who instigate fights and anger? Did people defend the bitchy girls in high school who would pick on people, and then when those people snapped, would run to a teacher with a sob story?
"I don't know what happened to her. We were just talking to her about how she could change her hair, you know? So that it could look as good as mine? And she snapped and threw a book at me. I guess I'm a bad person for telling her that her roots were showing every day for a month. I was just trying to help."

Why do people run to their side? Why does anyone stick up for these cameraman? If a friend of yours told you they wanted to be a celebrity photographer, what would your first thought be?
"Oh, wow! That is a very noble job full of talent and necessity. On par with a doctor. Good for you!"
No, you would think they were a complete piece of garbage. The only way it would be respectable is if you completely fell into it after failing at everything else.
"You know, I tried just about everything. I was fired from every call center I worked at, I don't have the upper body strength to dig ditches, and I don't have the heart to rob people. I guess it's pick up a camera, follow around famous people and document their entire lives."

Also, is there anyway that people can tone down on their love of celebrities a bit? Honestly, who cares what these people are doing? Not in a rude way, but man, who cares? Why worry about them getting married, where they are seen, what they're wearing or what they're driving. What the hell are YOU doing? Have you achieved everything that you wanted to do with your life that you can now just sit and watch everyone else?
"It only took me forty-five years, but I finally have studied everything on the planet and have become a master at it all. I can speak every language, I have graduated with the highest degree in every form of education... and what the hell will I do now? There's nothing left! Only thing left to do is watch what others are up to. That's what I'll do! Oh! Look at this! This famous person is wearing something that I wouldn't wear. What an idiot!"

I love when people talk about what celebrities are wearing. The people who only judge and talk about what celebrities are wearing? Man. There's no amount of jail time that is enough for this offense.
"Look at what this person is wearing! I wouldn't wear it because I'm boring, have nothing relevant to say, and wouldn't step out of the tiny box I know as 'life' in fear that someone like me would judge me the way I judge others."

Alec Baldwin saying that paparazzi should be waterboarded is great. That is a great sentence. People think that's rough, though. Why? Because you can't say something like that to people who are not on TV. You can't do that! He's never been in a show. All he does is take pictures; he doesn't deserve to be waterboarded! Watch a show come out, though, that is "Celebrity Waterboarding". Some of the highest ratings of all time.
"Oh, man! Did you see last night's episode where Joshua Jackson said he was behind 9/11 after being waterboarded for an hour? Oh, man. What a loser! Go out and do The Skulls 4, you piece of trash!"

Plus, admit it – people want to see these people freak out. It's only fun for a while to have Alec Baldwin or other celebrities be nice. The world wants to see exactly what happened. But then instead of saying, "Thank you for giving us what we pushed you to do!" – we call these people crazy. Crazy! The balls on us! The gall! That guy is crazy because I pushed him to be that way. What a nut.

How do people actually get upset at celebrities and ask, "How can they get so mad?" We all get mad at random people all day, for even dumber things.
"God, that guy got on the bus before me when CLEARLY I was ahead of him. I hope the bus explodes under him only and he is blown up. What a loser!"
We get mad at people all day and they aren't following us around taking pictures of us! What if they were? What if when you bought chips, or tripped, or held your kid there was someone taking pictures of all of it? The way that everyone goes on, no one would deal with it.
"Hey! Why are you following me onto the subway?! You want to do this? You want to go!"
"God, what's wrong with that guy? I'm just in his face and business all day taking pictures of it all for money. That guy is insane!"

You can tell they want to push celebrities because they'll call it "When Celebrities Attack!" They treat him like an animal! Push him to the brink, and then when he attacks, talk about it like a grizzly that got loose.
"He just kept coming at me! And I was saying, "What are you doing? Stop attacking me! Stop!" And he wouldn't listen. You can see right here, where I am pointing on my face and there is no mark what so ever, that this is where he hit me. And you can talk to the doctor who said, "Why are you wasting my time with this? You are not injured at all", and he'll tell you that I was brutally beaten and deserve compensation."

It's amazing that the world will push people to their breaking point, and then when they do, we act like they are insane. People who think that celebrities who get angry are out of line, would be the same people who think a lion is insane when a attacks a tourist from Florida who puts a camera in his mouth.
"God, all I did put my Hawaiian shirt on his back and he snapped and ate my kid! That lion needs to be put down! Burn down the entire jungle he lives in! That Emu, too. I try to get his footprint in my papier-mâché and he bites my face? What the hell is his problem! Blow him away!"

We can all pretty much agree that if you are run by celebrity gossip you are probably a piece of garbage, right? If you read People Magazine and talk about it, or if you check out Perez Hilton's website and look at these people as if they are doing something good – the rest of the world hopes you never are put in charge of anything.
"Who did I vote for? The guy who knows every issue of US Weekly cover to cover, that's who. Who are you voting for? Oh, because he reads books? Lame! He probably doesn't even know the terrible dress that Kim Kardashian wore to the gym three weeks ago. Complete loser."

Also, Alec Baldwin is amazing. Anyone who is going to judge him, based on this or any other mistakes he has made, is wrong. He is a human being. A hilarious human being. Not to say that he has the right to attack people or anything like that, but man, everyone who is pushed only has so long before they will push back. And we don't see all of it. We only see "the freak out". We don't see the months and months of him dealing with photographers, keeping his calm in many situations before one day just losing it. We only see, "He's lost it! He's an animal!" 
No, he's a human.

What's amazing to me as well is that North America right now is on a huge 'Stop Bullying' campaign.
"Don't say anything to that kid! Nothing at all! Lock this school down! LOCK IT!"
If the story had been that a kid was following another kid around taking pictures of him all day and the other kid snapped, the world would be on his side.
"Yeah! Punch that kid! We will not tolerate bullying!"
When it's a celebrity? Screw 'em.
Kids can't bully kids. Not unless that kid was on TV, then it's okay.
"Did you see what Jordan brought for lunch today, teacher?"
"Yes, I read about it in todays People. Just a shame. Tuna sandwich. Isn't he making twenty thousand an episode? Looks like someone has a gambling problem."
Adults and kids are allowed to bully celebrities. Daily! It’s hard to tell a kid not to bully another kid when one day he can get paid for it.

I'd love to see if turned around. See how cameramen would deal with it. Celebrities should follow cameramen into their hotels, while they're out on dates, at the zoo with their kids, or getting married, and take pictures of them. I wonder how long it would take before they snap.
"How do you like it, huh? You like having your picture taken every time you make a move? Oh, what's that? You're buying broccoli? What are you, a loser?! How do you like it!"
"...Um, actually I love it. I take pictures of you because I'm jealous that I can never be you."
"...Oh... well... we still hate it! Stop doing it!"

Monday, June 18, 2012

Movies today look worse than they did in '88.


We are told that we are advancing every day. New phones, new graphics, new computers. One way we are not advancing, though? Effects in movies. With these, we seem to be getting worse than we already were. We're actually going back in time. Special effects in the eighties in the nineties were great. Now? Some movies that come out now use good special effects, but most? Not good at all. Watch the trailer for Expendables 2, where the plane crashes into a cave, and tell me that doesn't look like some graphics that were used in the first PlayStation.
"Hey, should this movie look better than the original Tomb Raider?"
"...No. I think that's fine."
"Yeah? Sweet! Movie's done then. Man, it's so easy to finish a movie when you don't care how it looks. Time to celebrate!"
How is it that in 2012 special effects can look so bad?

This all came about for me one night while watching Predators. Made in 2010. The original Predator was made in 1987. You would assume that with all of the advancement that took place within those twenty-five years that Predators would look better than the original. Does it? Does it look better than the original that looked totally fine? Does it even look AS good? It does not. First Predator? Looks great. New Predators? My God. It looked like the special effects were taken from a Laser Quest.
"We need space guns, right? My son said that these laser tag guns he used last week looked pretty cool."
"Laser tag? You want to use laser tag guns?"
"Yeah, it'll be fun! Not only will we be shooting a movie, we'll give the actors a game to play! Whoever has the most points at the end of the shoot gets a million dollar bonus!"
For a scene in the first Predator, a jungle needed to be mowed down with guns. What happens? A JUNGLE IS MOWED DOWN! That's how it used to be. When something was called for to be blown up or destroyed, something was blown up or destroyed! An entire rainforest and ecosystem were probably taken out making that movie.
"I called this meeting today about the environment to let everyone know that we lost three types of birds today and a rare tree."
"What? How come? Is it pollution? Is it gas emissions?"
"No... it was due to one scene in the movie Predator. An entire forest was destroyed during a scene in which Arnold and his team shoot aimlessly at a Predator that they cannot see."
"...Oh man...does the scene look cool?"
"Well, yeah, it looks great, but that's not the point. The point is, we lost birds that we will never see again, and when one ecosystem is destroyed, it hur..."
"It looks great! Let's go see it!"
Also, just quickly, Topher Grace was in Predators, and who in the world wants to see Topher Grace with a gun in an action movie? Are seventeen-year-old girls casting movies? Even more quickly, how the hell did that man become the one chosen to play Venom?! How! Why not Fez? What about Red? Go all the way down the 'That 70'S Show' cast and get Kitty.
"Spidermaaannn. I've been looking for you, eehehehahah."

We're told all the time that movies that come out today are great looking, unbelievable, and visually stunning.
"You have to see this movie! It looks better than real life! Like, right now, you look like trash compared to this movie. You look like an 8-bit loser compared to it! I know! Wow, even your tears look worse than that movie's tears! Doesn't compare at all." 
Really? Most movies now are comparable to cartoons. Nothing in them is real at all. There are times in the movie when the actor is digitally imposed. The actor! They'll digitally impose in the actual actor that is supposed to be actually acting in the actual movie. 
"Hey, guys? I really don't feel like going in there and saying my line, 'Do we have any leads on this case?' I just want to sit here and finish my soup."
"Oh, that's no problem. We have already created you on a computer. You can just go home if you want."
"Really? Wow. A yacht for this, huh? The only line I said so far was, 'Can I get a footlong? Yeah, lettuce is cool.'"
"And you delivered it perfectly! We still may computer-generate it, though. Either way, thanks for coming in."

Nothing in movies is real anymore. Everything is computer-generated. When something was needed in an older movie, they actually had it. Even things that didn’t exist – they would be made.
"Hey, we need a spaceship."
"Just go down to Costco and grab one. Haha, just kidding. I'll start building it."
CGI is so ridiculous now that they will digitally create things that we have. Example? Old people in movies. Old people! We have old people! For example, in Prometheus, Guy Pearce is CGI-ed into an old person. Why are we doing this?
"Hey, we need an old guy for this movie."
"All right, I'll just create one here on my iPhone."
"Create one? We'll just cast one."
"And have that terrible old person smell on the set? Like a Werther's died inside a rat? No way, man. iOldPerson."
"Good call. Remember shooting that movie with Christopher Plummer?"
"God. I was washing the smell out of my hair for weeks!"

Movies today don't look as good as they once did. Terminator 2. All that needs to be said. Anyone have any complaints with the special effects in Terminator 2? A movie made in 1991? Maybe the actual metal, working Terminator that the crew painstakingly made? Or the actual explosions that happened in it? Maybe the insane CGI with a liquid metal man who changes shape? Any of these a problem for anyone? Absolutely not! Terminator 2 could be put out today, exactly the way that it is, and people would love it. No one would complain that it didn't look like movies now.
"Whoa, whoa. Is that a REAL robot that people built for the set? Jesus Christ. What the hell did I spend money on?! I wanted fake! If I wanted real, I wouldn't have come into the theatre! I want something that looks like it was put together on an old Atari! Someone built that robot? Man, don't waste your time. Just put an R&B star in this and I'd be happy!"

Jurassic Park as well. It's hard to make Jurassic Park a better movie. And when it was called on for there to be dinosaurs in the movie, what did they do? They made dinosaurs! Made them!! They made that T-Rex! In 1993! Actual dinosaurs made out of actual things that you could see and touch. We are twenty years past that and we have dinosaurs in movies that look like they were made on 'Draw Something'.
"Whoa! That's a sweet Velociraptor! You ever think about making a movie with it?"
"Umm... no. I scratched that together on my phone for a game I was playing with you."
"But, man! I was really scared! I dropped my phone and everything. I thought a real Raptor was coming at me!"

With everything being computer-generated, special effects people must be out of business. The people who used to build sets, monsters, gore, and anything that was used in a movie? There's no reason for them to be around. Unless they are now the highest paid coffee-getters in the world.
"Hey, grab me a cappuccino."
"Ugh... you know I built the alien used in Alien?"
"Oh, man! Love that movie. The work you did on that creature was just magic. Now use some of that magic in the foam for my cappuccino. Also, you want to grab that seventeen-year-old a glazed donut? Try not to disturb him, though. He's hard at work on his computer making the special effects for this movie. He's a real genius."

The craziest part is that everything is computer-generated and the movies don't cost any less to make. Doesn't seem to be any cheaper at all. Everything is made on a computer and the movie still cost sixty-eight trillion dollars. How?! Where the hell is this money going?
"You know, I can make Transformers 4 on my iPad 2."
"Wow. How much will you charge?"
"Well, it'll take me a full week. Umm, ten million?"
"Done. I'll go ask the studio for three hundred and fifty million."
"Wow, that's a lot. Where's the rest going to go?"
"Are you serious? Abs! Every actor in the movie has to have an insane amount of abs. You think that comes cheap? The God of abs won't dish any out for less than two hundred million."
"...There's a God of abs?"
"Ah, scene-generating-computer guy. You have so much to learn. You probably think that actors get white teeth the old-fashioned way, and there's not a tooth gnome who will whiten your teeth for a truck of Little Debbie cookies. What a noob."

Why would they now make special effects worse? What is the point of this? Why! To not be so elitist and have movies only be made by moviemakers. Did we start to do things this way so that people wouldn't feel bad? So that now everyone can make a movie with only their phone and an afternoon?
"God, I'd love to make movies, but how the hell am I going to be able to blow up a helicopter? I don't have that kind of money and my movie is called "When A Helicopter Blows Up". I'm doomed!"
"No worries! Now you can blow up a helicopter on your phone!"
"...Really? You... you really mean it? And people will... respect me for it?"
"Respect you? People will blow you! You won't be able to walk down the street!"
"Oh, wow. Okay, well I'll get working on the script. I really only have the name right now, but I know I need a helicopter to blow up."
"Script? What the hell are you talking about? I just told you that you can make things blow up on your phone. Scripts be damned! When the writing gets bad, bring in another helicopter crash!"
"Man, you're right! Nothing but explosions! Words are overrated, anyway. BOOM!"

CGI is also really over used. There are tons of scenes in movies now where there are absolutely no humans around. None! Just computer generated humans. We see the star for a minute and then he is replaced by the scenes someone has created on a Steve Jobs machine. Not a real person for huge segments. We are just watching computers do what they do. Movies should start being marketed that way.
"This summer, an action movie with epic proportions. When a ninja is mistaken for a grocery store clerk and has to fight his way out of a chip aisle – things go to hell. This summer, "Ninja Chip Hell!" 'You Say Dorito, I say Akido'. Starring the newest Mac Air and a brief, brief, brief cameo by Bruce Willis."

With new special effects, for some reason, people have decided that the entire movie should be CGI. There are so many movies where actors are talking in front of a green screen. Actors aren't even talking to anyone! 
"I know. I can't believe that the king took all of our rubies either. What's he gonna do with i..."
"CUT! CUT! CUT! Where are you looking? The half-man-half-goat you are talking to is right here! You're looking towards the donut table, which is a drawbridge in the movie. Would your character be talking to a drawbridge? Huh? Would he?!"
"Look, I'm sorry, but can we get something better for me to act with other than a coffee cup? Like a box of Cheerios? Just something bigger. I'm supposed to be talking to a satyr. What about an actual goat? Can we get that? Or just draw a face on the cup. That would straighten this out. Just give me a face to look at!"
"Oh, you need a face to look at? What – you want to be an actual actor? Bad news for you, kid, you're twenty years too late. Talk to nothing!"

In the eighties and nineties, when something blew up, something was blown up! 
"We need to blow up a car!"
"Well, digitally compose it on a computer, render it in HD, and we'll put in the audio of the actors after!"
"It's 1989 and I have no damn idea what you're talking about."
"Oh, yeah, right... well, blow up a car!"

Twitter- @Nathanmacintosh

Friday, June 8, 2012

We don't deserve comment sections.

Comment sections need to be taken away from us. Time and time again we have shown as a society that we cannot handle them. For years now, people have been screaming at each other in comment sections. I bet the last time there was a nice comment was during the great depression.
"I say, I love your article on monocles and how only one eye needs to see exquisitely while also looking exquisite. Just wanted to give you a 'hear, hear', old chap. Hip, hip, hooray! Hip, hip, hooray! Hip, hip, hooray!"
But later on? Comment sections just became a place for people who can't speak, spell, or who have no human decency to be showcased.
"There be a raisin that your artical be all stupid and shit I dont tink iVe ever been angry like this eva"
Look, it's 2012. We should be able to intelligently use all of the equipment we have. If we want to advance this world – stop focusing on making new phones and let's focus on getting rid of comment sections.

Ninety percent of comments are negative. Commenting on things negatively makes sense sometimes. When an article has its facts wrong or when a video is misinformed.
"Excuse me, you said in your article that the fourth of July is this Saturday the fifth. You see the problem here, right? Do you understand why this is angering me? You made me comment here. You did! It's called the FOURTH OF JULY! Are you insane?"

Rarely does anyone just say that something is wrong with what they have read or that they don't like it. The way people usually do it is to try to destroy someone.
"Hey, stranger from Russia, trying to juggle oranges for the world’s entertainment – you didn't entertain me. How does that feel? Huh! I watched the whole thing and hated it! The whole time I wanted to puke. Why don't you try again, loser!?"
That would actually be much nicer than the comments that people send. People want people to die in comments! Just die. There are RARELY any comments that are constructive.
"Hey, orange-juggling-guy. I see that you are okay, but could use help. I know a juggling teacher in your area. You should give him a call."
Nope. Most of the comments people choose to write?
"Why don't you just die?! Yeah, die! Why don't you get AIDS and die? Trying to entertain me with juggling? I didn't ask you to and I don't want it. Do the world a favor and take your orange-dropping ass to hell!"

You want people who are trying to entertain you to die if you don't find it entertaining? That is how kings acted! Kings would sit on a throne, bored, eating a wild boar thigh, and court jesters would dance in front of them, while the king would decide if they live or die!
"Ugh, pan flute again? Look, cut his head off. No, no. Cut his head off while he's being pulled apart by horses. Wait, wait, wait. Feed his left leg to the dragon, boil his right side, and beat his head in with his pan flute. In the town square. Yes... yes, that pleases the king. And cut his damn head off!"
Kings did that. And now with comment sections, everyone acts like a king! We can all sit at home in our computer chairs, bored, eating a Pop-Tart, deciding the fate of people.
"Ugh, sketch video again? Look, cut your heads off! No, get hit by cars. Wait, wait, wait. I hope a Komodo dragon comes into your house, spitting hot acid, and burns you as he bites you to death while you are holding your 'funny' ideas. Yeah, that pleases xboxowner2657!"

Most of the time, it's either death or nothing. People seem to only want to tell people when they have done something they hate. You can picture people at home when they don't completely hate something.
"We got a smart guy here, huh? Just BARELY entertained me, but dammit, you did. You are lucky, bud! If I hated it, you would be dead! Virtually dead in a terrible way!"

Comment sections also, a lot of the time, contain people who aren't even commenting on what they have seen or read. They are arguing with other people who have commented. They are arguing with other people who are commenting! Commenters arguing with commenters who are commenting! When that happens, they are never arguing about what they have seen or read.
"What are you – dumb? I have never wanted to see someone's entire family be beaten to death in the street before, but you, sir. You... wow."
"Oh, yeah? You hate me, huh? Why don't you keep sleeping with your two-ton wife in that trailer home of yours, you middle school janitor! Tell your kids 'Cletus' and 'SarahAnneJessicaJessieBeth' that the fries are done!"
"Actually, bud, I live in Pittsburgh. Get your story straight. I'm going back to watching this Prince video and I hope that communist pinko dirtbag bastards like you leave me alone!"
"You actually like Prince? You're what's wrong with the planet."
"If you don't like him, why are you here?"
"I'm here to get hate off of my chest! That's why I'm here! You got a problem with that, un-American?!"

Also, why do people have to act as if they are Christopher Columbus in comment sections? People love to discover untouched comment sections like it's land and place their "first!" there.
"Whoa! Look at this. No one’s been here before. I'm the first! First! I'm the first one to comment! I'm like the pilgrims. There should be a Comments-givings Day for what I've accomplished! I'll tell the world through comments!"
Why do people do this? Did they even see the thing they're commenting on? Does it matter to them? Do they just search the internet for empty comment sections?
"Nope, that one is filled up... not this one either... BAM! I'm the first! Oh, man. What a rush. Now I can sleep."

Another reason they should be taken away from us? People cannot control their emotions on them. Tears are shed, voices are raised, and emotions run high. People take these so seriously and get so upset when someone disagrees with them.
"Ya know, when my mother died I wasn't as upset as this loser telling me that Justin Bieber isn't the lord of the world. I... I don't even know what to say... YES HE IS! Oh, God!"
Disagreements over meaningless things turn into screaming matches. If you disagreed with someone in real life over nothing, it wouldn't always be a screaming match.
"I think I'm gonna grab some Coke."
"I'm a Pepsi guy myself."
"PEPSI! HOW THE HELL CAN YOU LIKE PEPSI!? ARE YOU STUPID? IS THAT IT? YOU'RE JUST A STUPID PIECE OF TRASH?!"
"...Why are you yelling at me right now? There are kids around us, man. Calm down."
"YOU DISAGREED WITH ME! THIS IS HOW YOU REACT WHEN THAT HAPPENS! YOU SPEAK AT AN UNREASONABLY LOUD VOLUME WHILE CALLING THE OTHER PERSON A PIECE OF GARBAGE!"
Wouldn't happen in real life! Comment sections, though? Every second comment is someone punching his or her keyboard.
"I WANT YOU TO KNOW HOW ANGRY I AM SO I DECIDED TO BREAK THE CAPS LOCK OFF OF MY COMPUTER AND TYPE AWAY! WHY AM I SO ANGRY? WHY AM I SO ANGRY! PROBABLY BECAUSE I CAN'T TYPE ANY SMALL LETTERS! WHY DID I BREAK THE CAPS LOCK KEY OFF? I MAY NOT BE MAD ONE DAY! WELL, I GUESS I'LL JUST LIVE THIS ANGRY FOR THE REST OF TIME. SUCK IT, WORLD!"

People get mad for no reason, and then, even worse, people get mad because their insane racism cannot be contained. There are always some racists throwing their thoughts on multiculturalism on videos. Videos about race? Nope. Could just be a video with two kittens, playing in a box. Is the comment section under that video safe? Two kittens that have no affiliation to any race at all as they are not humans? Absolutely not.
"These kittens are cute and everything, but even their soft furry heads and tiny, cute little paw pads can't curb my anger. Black people need to go! Get back to Africa! I bet these kittens voted for Obama! Get them out of this country, too!"

What is the point of this? Why is it such a constant? Do higher ups at racist groups demand this?
"Jesus, Chris, I told you to type 'Koreans don't deserve to live' on that video of Dora The Explorer!"
"I'm sorry, Cyclops Jerry. I just don't see what that will do."
"Look, just Cyclops, okay? And – my God, don't you see? What if a Korean is reading that comment section right now? Huh?! Now they won't know that they don't deserve to live! Do you understand now?"
"...Well... Jerry, I just think th–"
"Cyclops! And that's it! Question Cyclops Jerry? Time to pay. Go burn fifty crosses and say one hundred 'Jews control the media'."
"...Okay, fine... but can I say quickly? I like being a member here and everything, the cookouts are delicious and the uniform is quite comfortable, but I don't understand the "burning the cross" thing. I mean, we like Jesus, right? Why burn the cross? Doesn't that only hurt us?'
"...You are on thin white ice right now, buddy. GO DO IT!"

Comment sections break down so much, that if there was a comment section attached to nothing, nothing at all, I bet it would still turn angry.
"Hmm, weird. A comment not attached to anything. That's weird."
"If you think it's weird, why don't you kill yourself!"
"What? Don't you find it a little weird there's nothing here to watch or read?"
"I think you're a little weird, bud. Kill yourself!"
"Hey, both of you guys are bitches. Stop crying!"
"How did we all get here? There's nothing here!"
""How did we all get here?" What a loser bitch."

Is there something that says you have to have dropped out of grade five to comment on something? Did any of the people who write in comment sections go to school? At all? Even for one day of their life? Were they raised on a rock in a ravine? Only because I assume that if you were raised on a rock in a ravine, there wouldn't be a lot of schooling on punctuation.
"All right, I'm going to teach you how to snare an animal. It's gonna come in handy out here on this rock that we live on."
"Gotcha. I have to eat."
"Yes, you do. Just as important? Forming a sentence in writing with good punctuation. It won't help you out here beside this algae, but if you ever have to tell someone what you think of their work online, it'll come in handy."
"When will I ever need that skill, though? We live in the woods on this rock. I have never even seen another person!"
"I'm not raising you on this rock in a ravine to act like a kid who was raised on a rock in a ravine. You'll learn proper punctuation!"
"Why are we out here anyway, dad? We have a house."
"I told you, your mother and I had a disagreement about Pepsi. Now snare that squirrel!"

When you are commenting on the internet, why doesn’t punctuation apply? Can you not spare any? Are you saving your periods and commas for that law dissertation you have coming up?
"Man, I'd love to use a question mark here, but I have that big paper due this weekend and I only have ten left. Well, I guess they'll just have to figure out for themselves where I wanted sentences to stop and end. I honestly didn't know I'd have that much to say about Katy Perry."

The punctuation is horrible and so is the spelling! Comment sections are promoting the worst spelling on the planet. People aren't even trying to spell words correctly. Not at all.
"I told u that i d0nt th3nk that u should b famass you are dum not talantd and 2@^n hytiniw 8&&(nhyg), ya know"

There should be a reading level requirement before you're allowed to leave a comment. At the very least, you should have to have heard of Robert Louis Stevenson before you're allowed to say anything about anything.
"What is this? I go to write a comment and they ask me, 'Who wrote Treasure Island?' I don't know that shit. I want to hate now!"

Take these sections away from us! We clearly do not deserve them or know how to use them whatsoever. Let's stop with the war on childhood obesity for a minute, and focus on the war on people de-evolving to their lowest form and screaming at others through broken English and terrible spelling. 
And after everything I've said, leave a comment below.