Hiking in Iraq.

As I'm sure some people have heard, two men who were hiking in Iraq and accidentally crossed into Iran were arrested and released this week. They spent two years in an Iranian jail because Iranian border guards had thought they were spies. Now, spending two years in an Iranian jail would be awful I could assume, and it's over the top that someone thinks  you're a spy so you do time, BUT, this doesn't mean that some questions should not be asked.

First, and very important one being, who goes hiking in Iraq? That sentence could also be, "WHO goes hiking in Iraq?" or "Who goes HIKING in IRAQ?" That seems like the place you'd go after you've hiked EVERYWHERE else in the world.
"We've hiked everywhere! We even hiked the bottom of the ocean. What's next?"
"I'll tell you what's next man. Baghdad. Take off your scuba gear. Not needed in the desert."

Who even thinks of traveling to Iraq? Ever see any commercials with people running through a desert, smiling, with soft music playing, then the Voice Over,
"Come to Iraq. You know you want to."
When was the last time you heard someone speak of their great trip to Iraq?

"We just spent two weeks in Tikrit. You must go!  "

I've never heard it.

If for some reason though you decide that you must travel to Iraq, bring a map. If you're not from the Middle East, know where you are going. You'd want to know where you were if you were hiking through the woods! Why? The woods have bears you don't want to run into. The Iraq/Iran border has bears as well, except these bears have guns and are apart of a militia.

"Ooops. Sorry. Is this Iran? We had no idea. No, no, no need for guns sir. By the way Iranian border guards, where are the happy running people we saw in the commercials? Oh, we put on these cuffs and get in that armored truck and you'll drive us to them? Well thanks so much! Slap em on!"

You go hiking in Iraq without a map? And not only is it bad enough you're hiking Iraq, you are hiking the border of Iran? How dangerous do you need to be to live?

"Hey, you want to go white water rafting?"
"Sure! But let's put holes in the boats.  Just white watering rafting is for pussies. I want my life on the line!"

It's funny as well that the Iranian government thought that's what American espionage would be taught to say if they were caught. No suicide pills or fights to the death, just "we're hiking."

"If anyone asks, tell them you're hiking. Of course they'll believe you! People hike in Iraq all the time. It's a huge hiking destination. You'll be bumping into hikers left, right and center. More hikers in Iraq than paper in a confectionary store.  Haven't you heard the song "Break your back to hike in Iraq?" It's a hiking diddy!"

No wonder they got locked up. Nobody anywhere would believe the hiking defense. Even if you stumbled into the back of a post office.
"What are you doing here?"
"Hiking. Can't you see my big stick and bag of granola bars?"
"You're trying to steal mail! That's an offense!"
"No, no. Look at my socks! Grey with red trim. Are these the socks of a thief? I think not, sir. These are hiking socks."

 So why would an Iranian border guard be fine with this?
"What are you doing here? Are you spies?"
"Noo, nooo, of course not. We are hiking. Can't you see my big stick and bag of granola bars? Wait,... are you a mirage? I'm out of water."

You should get some jail time for even thinking about hiking in Iraq. Iraq? People in Iraq don't hike Iraq. Of all the things you could do with some time off.

"Disneyland? Vegas? Atlantic City?"

"Boring, dude. Let's hike where we may hit some land mines."

HIKE IRAQ. Which translates to WALK IRAQ. You want to WALK IRAQ? That's the vacation? The outskirts of Iraq!

Where they were going must have come up in conversation when buying their gear.
"Hiking boots huh? Nice. Where are you guys hiking?"
"Oh, the lovely hiking destination that is border of Iraq and Iran."
"Iraq and Iran?! Really? Oh, how lovely!  Well, once you're done picking out your knapsacks, let me take you down the street to the gun store. Pick up a piece to match your hiking boots."

Their parents didn't say anything? Didn't put up any kind of fight? The night they were packing no one said,
"Hmm, maybe Yosemite would be a good place to hike? There's probably more to see."
"God, mom, we get it. Be careful in Iraq, geez. Lay off a little, huh? We know the safe word. American. We are American. A-M-E-R-I-C-A-N. Red, white and blue sir militia man, which means we can hike where ever we want. Now, where is the McDonalds? We got it. You worry too much, mother. I played tier 2 hockey remember? Piece of American swiss this will be."

If you told someone you were hiking in Detroit, they'd say,
"Detroit? What are you, an idiot?"
These guys say Iraq and everyone around them says, "Have a good time! Bring sunscreen, it's really hot there!"

Alright, I have to go, guys. I'm going to book my parasailing trip to North Korea. I hear the sights are to die for. Or at least be arrested for.

Cell phone companies/call centers

Everyone has a cell phone. We all have them, so the call centers we have to call to get help should be great, right? Right! We're all customers here. But alas, they are just horrible. And I say from experience, not only calling them, but working there as well. I worked at a call center for a cell phone company for one month. My soul screamed every day and threatened to commit suicide. Cubicles, florescent lights, white walls, sad people all around, people who for some reason are happy to be there, and a manager who constantly walks around saying things like, "You miss a hundred percent of the calls you don't take, guys! Pick it up!"
Most people who work in a call center would love to be hit in the face by a meteor. I took the road of calling in sick 4 out of my 5 shifts a week. 


I get it, working there is awful, but calling in is just as awful. These companies do not care. When you have an actual problem with your phone or service, they put you on hold for hours.
"Oh, the buttons blew right off your phone for no reason? Man, too bad. Let me put you on hold for an hour while I connect you to the 'button blow-off' department."
When you want to pay money, though? They're pretty good about answering that call. "Oh, let me take care of that for you. Payment Department? Hahaha, no, we can all except funds. Yeah, anything. Whatever you have, we want it. The other day I accepted teeth a grave robber had dug up. Oh, you're also experiencing reception problems? Eeeeek! Let me put you on hold."


The beginning of the call they try to make it seem as if they have a heart. As if they care about your time.
"We're experiencing a higher-than-normal wait time. Please be patient."
Thanks for the warning, but no, you're not. These are pretty normal. It's always a long wait!  I've never heard,
"Wow! We're experiencing a shorter-than-normal wait time. Apparently everyone else gave up after waiting for two hours and hung up. You're lucky: you're going right in!"
These positive reinforcements keep coming as you wait.

"Please stay on the line. Your call is important to us." 


The part that is cut out of this recording is the snickering that was done right after it was said.
"Your call is important to us. HAHAHAHA."
"Oh, that's funny. Imagine a guy sitting there who has to go out, but also has to talk to us, getting angry, and he hears 'Your call is important to us?' Because, it's totally not! It's like saying it's not you, it's me! I just wish there was a way we could see their faces!"

Just say what should be said.
"Listen, we're upset that you have a problem and had to call. Do you always want to work? Of course not. It's gonna take a while, because the person who should answer this works in a cubicle with florescent lights screaming down on them for 10 hours, so they may have gone to get a Mars bar. And look at that attractive person at the end of their row, who's beside the really unattractive person who thinks this fluorescent-lit, working-in-a-cube thing is a good job. So, just hold the phone, all right?"

Not one cell phone company cares about you, no matter how many smiling dogs or "regular"-looking people they have paid to say "We love the service!" I know actors need jobs, but Jesus. And if these people are actual real humans who just love the service, they should be beaten to death in the mall, right in front of a kiosk while shopping for cell phone covers.

"I love my cell phone provider! I mean, they let me call people! And I'm just like you! You like wearing dress shoes with jeans, right? Me too! So you should get this plan, too. We could be besties! I'm actually going to take everything out of my house, paint it white and just have blue furniture! ... Ummm, what are you doing with those baseball bats?"

 

We get mad at the person who answers the phone. The person who answers the phone gets mad at us. Think of this: this horrible cell phone company has gotten humans to fight each other! We call them and go, "God, you guys in this call center are terrible!" They sit and talk about callers: "Man, the people whocall here are so dumb. I mean, it only took me five weeks of training to find out that you have to hold the on button for exactly five seconds then toss it in the air when it freezes. Why can't they figure it out?"

It's not their fault or our fault! It's the CEO who's golfing on a Condor while drinking expensive wine from Li'l Wayne's hat that we should be mad at. He's the problem! You should be able to call them.

"Press 1 to make a payment. Press 2 if you're having a problem with your service. Press 3 if you would like to speak to the CEO, who is currently bathing in diamonds. Warning, pressing 3 may not mean you will speak with the CEO, but you will hear what it would be like to suds up in forever."

The inventors of these companies should not be heralded as heroes. No roads named after them. Would you name your street after a person who kidnapped you and made you bend to their will? No? Then Ted Rogers doesn't get a road. And yes, he was a Canadian radio pioneer, but his cell phone company destroys that whole legacy.

3D technology. Really?

3D is supposed to be the best thing ever. It's supposed to be the way that we have always wanted to watch movies. The way that it was meant to be. Sure, if the world was 2D, it wouldn't be a great place. But a movie shown in 2D, is shown in a 3D world! We don't need it.

3D seems so childish to me. I don't understand why any adult would want to watch a movie in 3D. A kids movie? I get it. Kids love having computer generated snails voiced by Snooki right in their face.
"haha, dad, that snail said "if you're not a guido, get out of my snail face!", and it's right here! I love when animals say things humans would say!"
 I get that, and I'm not upset about it. An adult though? I don't see the appeal.
"Oh man, Gene Hackman is really mad. Look at him! I've never seen him this close or angry. Not since that time I threw popcorn at him on the street. I couldn't tell the difference from the movies and real life with all this 3D!"

The real problem with "3D", is that these movies are not 3D! Most of these movies were not shot in 3D at all. Be what you say you're going to be! The same as if they told you "Hey! Come down to a movie today, and you can get your picture taking with Al Gore!" Then you go, and it's a cardboard cut out of him.
"Hey, this isn't what you said."
"Oh, really? Can you tell me this isn't Al Gore? Have you ever met the man? How do you know he's not made of cardboard? Look, get your picture taken with him, or walk away. He's quite sensitive."

All the companies do is distort the movie so that we have to pay more to see it properly! WOW! They have found a way to get more money out of us for not doing anything better. Actually, making it worse.
"Hey, do you think we could get the audience to pay more?"
"Do I?! I'm so confident in it, I think we can even get them to wear space glasses that they don't need! We put the movie out of focus, and the only way to put it back is with glasses that are 5 dollars more!"
"...See, that right there is why you are the head of marketing, and 3 divorces deep with kids that hate you."
"I know, I know. I'm a genius. I beat those kids ya know."

They might as well say "Hey, this movie is going to cost you 12 dollars to see it. However, if you pay 16, we will not throw white cheddar popcorn powder directly into your eyes. Pay 10 and we will just play the audio for you in the washroom. Movie Theaters, we're here for you."

Is this really what people wanted? Were there focus groups that were screaming for this 3D?
"Listen, I loved Schindlers List. Don't get me wrong. But, is there anyway you could get me CLOSER to the death camps? Like, REALLY close? I mean, what did I pay 12 dollars for? Get me in there!"
Why do people want things closer to them? If you want to be that close to a movie, audition and get into one.
"3D is pretty sweet, it brought me closer to the action! But, so did being on the set. I'd have to say, if I had to choose between dumb glasses or making a bunch of money acting, ahhhhh, tough call. I think I'll go acting. Love the glasses though."

3D glasses in the theatre is one thing. It's a disgrace, but having them at home? How much do you hate your family, that you want to shut them out with ridiculous glasses?
"You know, when I had a conventional t.v., it was always "My day was like this" and "Dad, can you please pay attention to me." It was really harshing my buzz. Now, with 3D t.v., I put on these big, family blocking out glasses, and I don't even know if they're in the house anymore! Plus, Peter Mansbridge just seems better when I can touch him. Thanks 3D!"
People sitting their houses wearing goggles as if they are going on a deep sea diving expedition, but really they are just watching pucks fly at them from the hockey game. "I almost saved that one!" Yeah, you did! Most goalies sit on the couch to train.

3D phones could be the most absurd. You have a 3D phone? Really? Good for you sir. Please take it off the bus! Would you please? You jumped ahead of yourself. You should have a car before you have a 3D phone. People don't need you on the bus with the future while they try to juggle a transfer and deal with the b.o. in this tin can of depression.

"Look guys, I have a 3D phone! Isn't this cool?"

"Look man, I'm on the way to my second job for a double, and I still can't afford one of those. Shut it down, or my fist will be 3D in your eye."

"Really?! Wow. You have the new 3D gloves huh?"

3D used to be used to find the way out of a maze on the back of a cereal box. You used to put on glassed that you found in the box, and go "Hmm, now how do I get this leprechaun through this magical field of choice and walls?" That's the way that it should be at the theatre too. You want 3D? Your glasses should have to be found in your popcorn.
"Man, why didn't you tell me this movie was in 3D? I didn't even buy popcorn!"
"Shhh, I'm trying to pay attention. Right now, there is some butter talking to Brad Pitt. Man, that butter is a powerful actor. God these glasses are slippery."

All of these movies as well don't need 3D. A movie called "Shark night 3D?" Absolutely! That's what it should be for! Campy, ridiculous movies. Piranha 3D, Alligator Mouth 3D, Bees Vs. Slow kids 3D. Not everything though should be 3D. Movies called "The Mechanics Wife" do not need to be in 3D.
"No, dude, when the mechanic tells her that he'd rather change a tire than change his ways, you can really see her heart break as her eyes are two inches from your face. And when the wife learns to change an alternator to win back her husbands love? Man. The montage showing her doing house work covered in oil, and fixing car wearing an apron really shines in 3D. A crouton from a salad come right at your face!"

Why did companies see things from movies in the 80's and go out of their way to make them? Hey, COMPANIES, when we saw movies like "Total Recall" and others that showed 3D, and we said "that would be cool", we didn't know you'd actually do it. We also watched movies and thought "Man, it would be sweet if there were Aliens! Why can't a T-rex chase me? I wish the monster from Cloverfield would crush my neighbors house!" Why haven't you made any of those things happen? That would be some real 3D.
"Hey, do you want to go see that new monster movie in 3D?"
"Ah, I don't think I can. That giant crab that Verizon made ate my entire family. Really horrible. Thanks though. Maybe next week. And hey, if you go out tonight, watch out for werewolves."