The Oscars

I never watch award shows. This year however, I was excited to see Eddie Murphy. When he bowed out, I decided not to watch, but Billy Crystal stepping in? That made total sense to me. Some people were really upset by how he did. For people to complain about Billy Crystal hosting is hilarious. 

"He's so old! Why can't they get someone younger?"

Whose better as a last minute stand in for a stuffy event such as the Oscars? The entire night is for an older crowd. At first they had Eddie Murphy, who backed out because his friend Brett Ratner took a bunch of heat for saying “rehearsal is for fags.” Now, if you are in the academy, and you took a chance on Eddie, who bails two months prior because of a friends gay slurs, are you really going to try again to look outside of safe?

“Wow, I can't believe he said that and Eddie backed out. Who should we get now?”

“Someone we can trust to not do anything insane. Andy Dick?”

“Already dialing!”

Billy Crystal fits perfectly for the night that they want! Show tunes, dance numbers, inoffensive. Who would be a better host for a show where the audience really doesn't want to be pushed, or believe that there is anything funny about the absolute seriousness of movie making? Soulja Boy?

"And the nominees for Best Actor are...Swag, for his role in Swag. Swag, for being swagful. Big swaggy for his swag hair. Brad Pitt for turning down money in Moneyball. Swag."

The Oscars really are not an awards show for movies. All movies? Absolutely not. If you want your movie to be nominated by the Academy, you better hope that no one calls it a comedy, action, or horror movie. A comedy movie will not win if it doesn't have some absolutely devastating scene in it. I think that's what 'Shawn of the Dead' was going for at the time. 

"A zombie movie has never been nominated for an Oscar."

"We'll change that! How about, the entire movie is a really fun time. It's funny, entertaining, tons of jokes. Then, the last ten minutes, I'll burst into tears and become super serious because I have to kill my zombie mother?"

"Woa, that's deep. Won't that take away from the comedy aspect of the movie though?"

"Screw the comedy aspect! OSCAR!"

There are some pretty concrete formulas for a movie to be nominated for Best Picture. If your movie is less than two and a half hours? Don't even think about it! Throw it right into the trash and try again. I think this is why Judd Apatow makes comedy movies that are longer than Amistad. Does 40 year old Virgin really have an over two hour story to tell?

"Hey, I'm a virgin who happens to be forty years old."

"Okay. We can straighten that out in an hour and a half."

"No. Maybe you didn't hear me. Forty years old. Virgin. At least two hours."

"Yes, yes. You are correct."

If your movie is not a biography on someone's life, you will also have a extremely tough time getting nominated. Movies about someone's life are Oscar gold!

"What is your movie about?"

"It's the real life story of a grocery store manager. This guy...wow. He came up with the idea for the Aisle signs! You know the signs in the aisle that say "Aisle one: Canned products" and so on? He changed the grocery store game! Before that, people just stumbled around for hours looking for beans."

"Hmm, interesting. Does he have a personal life that is crumbling?"

"Of course! See, his kids hate him because he spends more time in the grocery store than he does at home. Work crosses over to home. He places signs up in his house, "Hallway one: Bathroom, linen closet, bedroom". He loses his mind!"

"I smell a best picture nom!"

A movie that has a lot of shots of distant looks in the eyes of the actors will be nominated as well. If your movie trailer shows shots of each person in the movie staring off into what I can only assume is their own personal hell, and also has a title that makes tear up, you can start dusting off the space on your shelf for the Oscar. 

"This summer, a sad man (show man in a chair looking into the distance), a woman with cancer (women in hospital bed looking in the distance), a lost child (show kid standing in a field playing with a dandelion, with a distant look in his eyes), and a dog who thinks it's a cat (show a dog trying to use a litter box, can't figure it out, then looks straight ahead, with a distant look in his eyes). 

"I can't believe that my wife has cancer, my child doesn't know himself, and this dog thinks it's a cat. My eyes tell you that I feel empty and alone." 

This summer, "Things Aren't Always As They Dog Cancer. Only in theatres."

Apparently, good acting only ever means 'serious acting'. 

"Okay, your wife was caught cheating on you in your car that also just flew off a cliff, and the trunk happened to be full of all your belongings. And...action!"

“That seems like a weird turn of events...”

“Cry!”

People can be great actors in movies that are not serious. For instance, reaching back in time as it just came to me, Leslie Nielsen was a good actor in the Naked Gun movies. He's great! He wasn't even a comedy actor. He was a serious actor who acting in some comedies. Would he ever get nominated for those? Nope. Couldn't he have even been nominated for being in movies that were a complete side step for him? 

"You know, this serious actor seriously got me to believe that he was a comedy actor. Nominated!"

Maybe he could have been nominated if he had actually felt the pain that was inflicted on him in the movie.

"Okay, when this blowfish bites your hand because you reached into it's tank to retrieve a pen, scream in absolute agony. I'm feeling an Academy award scene."

I was shocked when The Dark Knight was not nominated for Best Picture in 2008. I never paid too much attention to the Oscars, but after that, never. There was really ten movies in 2008 that were better than The Dark night? Really?! No way. That movie was fantastic. It also followed some of the Oscar formulas. Over two hours? Check. A story of a personal journey? Check. A bio pic? No! No check. That's where it fell off. If a man really becomes Batman before this summer, maybe the next one will have a chance.

Also, are all of the awards necessary? Best sound editing? Best sound mixing? Best film editing? Best Kraft Service table attendant? These are all people that in the drop of a hat actors would scream at for little to nothing. They should have some other awards for these people.

"And now, the nominees for Best defusing sentence when an actress throws a tantrum about the sound mixing...Billy Halfpenny, for the sentence "Please stop screaming at me! I'm doing what I can!" Thomas Evans, for the sentence "Look, you're gorgeous and talented, okay? I just mix sound!" And last but not least, Douglas Trevino for the sentence, "Here's some Jimmy Choo shoes! Don't have me fired!"

The Oscars are sort of ridiculous anyway as apparently, movie companies will send gift baskets, watches and the like to the academy for votes. For votes! That can happen? 

"Please like my movie! Here are some oranges from Marrakech."

You can't even bribe a cop out of a fifty dollar ticket, but you can bribe a prestigious academy with watches that they probably just add to their morning shakes?

"Hmm, another Rolex. I've got tons of these, and can afford one whenever I would like. Let's see how it tastes in this protein shake...hmm, timely. Oh, man. I am a pun master. I will tell my maid the funny I have created, and if she doesn't like it, fire her in front of my children.”

Quit what you hate.

There are way too many people working at jobs that they hate. So many places you go you will be greeted by people who look as though they're on detention.

"Five o'clock? Why do I have to stay so long? Did I do something wrong?"

Quit!

We all have a thresh hold at a job we work that if passed, we should quit. Some people though, reach that thresh hold, then just put up with the job for countless years after. If you've thought about killing someone, quit that job. That's the limit. Not, 
"Oh, I'll quit this when I get something better." 
Nope. When you think of hitting an old woman with a car because she can't figure out which cookie to buy, time to pack it in. That should be asked at jobs.

"Hey, do you like it here?"

"Yeah, I like it."

"Yeah...you ever think about taking a Big Mac and pinging it off a kids head?"

"No! Of course not. I mean, why would I...yeah. You got me! I have. There's just so many kids! Crying 'where's Ronald? Where's Ronald?' Shut up, kid!"

"That's what I thought. Pack it up. We've liked you working here, but you're done. Run free, sir."

I've worked at jobs and had these thoughts. I worked at Starbucks for three years of my life. I joked with customers, sang. Sang! Had a great time! Near the end though, I couldn't stand it. Every time the door would open and a customer would walk in, I would be furious.

"God, what could you possibly want right now! Coffee? There's coffee everywhere! Get out of here!"

It got so bad, that I had a thoughts of taking a coffee urn, hurling it through the air towards the wall of mugs as hot coffee would rain down on customers waiting for drinks.

"Oh, god! The coffee I was waiting for is now falling from the sky! It burns when it's not in a cup! IT BURNS WHEN IT'S NOT IN A CUP!"

Right then I knew I had to get out of there. But I didn't quit then! I stayed for probably another five months. Five miserable months. Hated it everyday. The thoughts just kept coming.

"What if I put a grenade in the urn before I threw it? What if I could only make it blow people up who asked for a certain temperature for their drink? 'Can you make it the same temperature as a golf club that's been laying on Augusta?' BOOM!

There are tons of people that are angry at their job but continue to stay. Too many waitresses who are pissed that people come in, THEN pissed that the people she didn't want there in the first place didn't tip her well! 
"God, why didn't you guys tip me?"
"Are you serious? You audibly said to that other girl, 'if this table of people burst into flames right now it would make my day'." 
"Yah. And?"
Look, we get it, you hate your job. We've all had jobs we hate, but since we all know this, why do we take it out on each other?

"Can I have a sandwich?"

"Jesus man, give me a second."

"Why are you angry?"

"My boss sucks. I was supposed to have a break twenty minutes ago."

"Okay, so why not be mad at him? I didn't do anything to you."

"...you're right! Get your own sandwich. I'm going to punch him in the face...with a sandwich!"

One problem that people have with their job, is it's not the job they think they should have. Most believe they are better than their minimum pay job. Makes sense. We don't live in a "just enough" society. There are no songs in the club about making thirty thousand a year.

"Just made thirty grand, this fiscal year! Gonna hit the bar, and grab one beer! Yeah, I gotta car. It ain't got gas in it. Next weekend I'm going to a concert. Two-For-One tickets.""

No one wants to make thirty thousand dollars a year! And nobody thinks they should.

"What? I'm a baller though! How am I supposed to buy a bottle of Moet, pour it over the hood of my Ferrari while I'm driving with the top down, as Russian ass models are shaking in the passenger seat on a measly thirty thousand dollars a year? Huh? How!"

"I'm not sure. How are you supposed to clean the counter at this Arby's while you stand in here telling me tales about your Ferrari?"

"Counter cleaning my bag, man. I'm a baller!"

"Ball on your own time!"

People who really hate their job tend to think that everyone but the people they know are stupid beyond repair.

"Give me a shot, man. Dealt with a bunch of losers today."

"Rough day at the office?"

"Damn right. Everyone is an idiot. Not you, or anyone else I hang out with. But the other seven billion people? Just idiots, man."

"I hear you. I have six friends I love, therefore they are intelligent, but everyone else? Total dummy! Like this jerk over here. 'Can I get a beer'? What a piece of garbage."

"You said it, man. You said it."

We all need to understand that where we are is where we are. Of course we look to the future to have things to aim for. We should! To achieve the dreams that we want. But, don't be miserable on the journey. If you hate it, just quit! Quit! Make it the best quit ever! I worked at a Call Center for awhile (I've had some jobs), and I hated it! Every day, all day, hated it. It was a call center for a cellphone company, so people called to pay bills, scream about bills, and tell me they were going to blow someone up. I worked there five days a week, and I would call in sick four of the five days. Everyone that worked there just complained about the calls they would get during the day. Depressing is not even the word for it.

"This guy called and said this, he sai..."

"He said this?!"

"Well, there was more to the story but you cut me off."

"That's crazy! I had a customer that called me today, that said blah, blah, blah, I've really beaten my inner child and the happiness that I was going to have in this life time to death by working here, blah blah blah. Can you believe that I used to feel?"

I couldn't stand this place. So, one day, myself and a friend of mine decided to quit. The call center had Christmas lights all around the building. When they were red, it meant it was busy and calls would be non stop. Yellow meant you might have a bit of a break between calls, and green meant it was slow. My friend and I decided that we were going to hang up on people and see if we could make the light go from red to green. I hung up on probably four hundred people. That light didn't change at all! When I did take calls it was only to mess with people.

"I'd like to check my minutes."

"Check your minutes? What are you talking about? I'm at home with my wife!"

"...does your wife have any idea how many minutes I've used?"
"She better not!"

I transferred people to Spanish care just because! Spanish care was for anyone who spoke Spanish. Were the people I sent to Spanish care people who spoke Spanish? Absolutely not.

"Can I check my minutes?"

"Yep. I'll just transfer you to the minutes department."

"...¿Hola, cómo puedo yo ayudarle?

"What the hell?!"

I'd hang up and laugh for ten minutes. I tried to walk out mid way through the day, but they made me do an exiting interview on why I was leaving. The man doing it had to write down everything I said.

"Why are you leaving?"
"Because this place takes souls. It is Shang Tsung."
"...Okay. What would make you come back here?"
"If you guys bulldozed it, and made it into a McDonald’s."
"...come on, man. I have to write these down."
"Yep. Write that one in all caps."
Then myself and my friend left, walked in the rain eating frozen pizza pockets and went to see Friday Night Lights. Great day.


"But, I need money to live! I need this job, I can't quit. I need money!"
Yeah, we all need money. We also all need to not have dark, twisted hearts from doing things we hate to enjoy the things that we do. If you do something you hate to do for eighty percent of your time, that twenty percent of things you do like will suffer. We've all met people who hate everything because they aren't happy with their job.
"Wow, this sunset is gorgeous."
"Psssh, yeah. I guess. If you like the color orange. Personally? It lasts too long. And EVERYday?"


No job is worth being unhappy. None, not one. None.
"But I make eighty thousand dollars a day!"
"Are you happy when you're there?"
"...well, I think about running down school children in an old bus I fashioned an assault rifle to from time to time, but other than that, yeah. EIGHTY THOUSAND DOLLARS! A day!"
"Yeah, but you want to kill kids!"
"No, not all the time. Just forty five hours a week, nine to six, five times a week. That's it. There's tons of hours in a week! EIGHTY THOUSAND DOLLARS!"

There are no more men on the planet.

No males in my generation want to be men. Why do I say this? I met an extractor. His quote?

"Have you seen the movie Taken? That's what I do."

That is a man. He goes to foreign countries to retrieve people who have been kidnapped. Not only does he go, but he comes back. Comes back! That's a man. When he's not doing that, he's a bodyguard for Saudi princes and people like Ralph Lauren. And before all of this? He was a New York City drug cop in the eighties.

Boom. Full man. He's been a man for decades! 

I could have talked to that guy for hours. Talk to men of this generation?

"Oh, I'm a web developer."

"I work in advertising."

"I re-tweet things for companies."

That last one is a job? Unbelievable. Men of older generations wanted to make an honest living. Men now want to make money by making statements in 140 characters – by making videos or taping a friend getting hit in the nuts with a voiceover of what the pole says.

"Whoops, that guy’s nuts are coming down on my head. One of us is gonna feel this! Won't be me, I'm made of metal!"

Even if men do want to be a cop, or join the army, it's never for the good reasons that people used to do it for. 

"The money is good!"

"Having a gun would be sweet!"

"I saw it in a video game!"

No men want to get dirty anymore. Everyone wants to look perfect and smell good.

"Change that tire? Didn't Steve Jobs create something to do that before he died? He didn't? Well, then that's what I'll focus on. Re-animating Steve Jobs so he can make that thing. Does my iPhone re-animate?"

Men created electricity, light bulbs, and the telephone. Men of this generation?

"Hey! I made an app that allows me to tell other people where I am! Pretty sweet, huh? You check in, you win things. I'm the mayor of your house! I just raised the tax! Get out of your house!"

I'm guilty of not being a man. Am I a man? No. I write, say funny things, and take on no real responsibility so I can continue to do so. Is that going to help me if I'm lost in the woods? Is that going to scare off a bear?

"Oh, man. A bear! Hey, hey, you like funny situations?"

"ROAR!"

"Wooo, tough crowd."

Being a man doesn't just mean doing "manly" things. Chopping wood, building Chevy trucks with your bare hands, all while drunk on whiskey and hollering at women. No. What being a man does mean, though, is taking on some sort of responsibility. Being accountable for something. No men of my generation want that anymore. No one wants kids. No one wants a job that pays anything less than what a basketball player makes. No one wants to have any commitments that could stop him from watching Breaking Bad.

"Mom’s funeral? God, did she have to die today? She knew I was doing a Breaking Bad marathon!"

Mark Zuckerberg, for example. Arguably, the leader of my generation. Multi-billionaire, website designer, Facebook creator. Man? Absolutely not. Let's look at what he really created. He created something that brings us all together, right? No! Mark Zuckerberg created a site that allows men to look at women's beach photos, allows people to never really break up because you can always find out what the other person is up to, and a site that now just throws around pictures with "funny" captions. Would a man create this? Would a man create something that takes up all your time and annoys you? No! Had a man been around when this was being made, it would be different.

"There! Done. Just added the "Poke" button."

"Uh huh. Where is the "Work" button?"

"There is no work button! Facebook is meant to take a break."

"You know what a good break is... work! Add a work button, then get to work!"

Men who take on responsibility are really needed in this world. I believe most men can attest to this. Date a girl who had a good relationship with her dad. For the most part, she is a very well adjusted person.

Date a girl who doesn't have a good relationship with her dad? Wow. Most times? A complete train wreck that relationship will be.

"Who just called you?! WHO JUST CALLED YOU?!"

"It was my cousin."

"That slut cousin Susan?"

"She's family!"

"She wants to sleep with you! I know she does! Oh, god. Why do you like to do this to me?"

"What the hell is going on? Why are you crying?"

"Fuck you! Just fuck you! I love you – that's why! Please don't leave... get the fuck out of here!"

There was a generation of men that did stick around and help raise families. Then for some reason, a generation of men who just split! Not all, but a ton! And those guys made it hard to be a man, because they messed up so much, and to such a high degree, that they raised the bar to a point that even if you are a good man, no one cares at all. A single mom can say, "I have a job and I raise my baby on my own." The world goes, "She's a warrior." A man? "I have a job and I raise my baby on my own." "Yeah? While you're whining right now, who’s taking care of your kid? Suck it up and go to hell."

If the pioneers had known that they were finding new land and building on it so that one day men could see how many head shots they could rack up online, they would have stopped.

"What? I'm gonna cut down these trees while I have scurvy so that one day a thirty two year old man can talk to a thirteen year old through a headset and be called a loser? I don't think so. I'm going to lay down and die right here."