I'm hated by real people, but how am I doing online?

The online world is more important to people than the real world. Nobody cares about how they are perceived in reality anymore. People just want to know that online they are killing it. That they are being heard and seen. Even if their actual friends are willing to listen to them, they want to know that people care online.
"I'll listen to you tell that story of how the bus driver wronged you in some way."
"Yeah, but who the hell are you? You're just a friend I've had for ten years. Your opinion is not a strangers opinion. Sorry, but I'll pass. Hey, selfie! I want fake friends to know that I have actual friends. Stop looking like we're not friends! We're having the best time."
The real world is becoming less and less important to people, while the online world keeps becoming more and more so.

People seem to be fine with how things are going in their actual life. Credit scores, debts, unpaid bills don't matter. What matters is how you appear online. How am I doing there?
"Can't pay rent. Lost my job. But yo, that picture I put up? People love it!"
BANG BANG BANG
"Hey, your rent is due! It's a month late!"
"... Oh, good. That came from the door and not my computer. I thought I was being kicked off the internet. How could I check out all the likes on this picture!?"
"That's it! You're evicted!"
"Oh, god. Just let me send out this tweet! 'Just got evicted. #MyLandLordIsADick #StartedFromTheBottom
Someone calls you a stupid idiot in the street? That's not true. You have twenty five likes on your  clever status update!
"Who cares what these losers in reality are saying? Whatever. I'm not stupid. Twenty five people I don't care about liked my witty comment. I'm smart as hell today!"

You can tell people care more because they're way more upset when things don't get likes on line than in real life. They'll put it up, and keep checking to see if anyone liked it or commented on it.
"Remember that thing I said a minute ago about how I think the waiter is too slow and the clever analogy I came up with about it? Yeah. No one online liked it."
"I liked it! It was hilarious. Those people are stupid."
"Don't call my followers stupid! They mean everything to me! EVERYTHING!"
Nobody cares if real people don't like something. You don't like someone's shirt? Whatever. They'll probably take a picture of it and put it online to see what other people think to prove you wrong.
"You don't like these earrings? You're dumb. I'll post them. Oh, look! Jessica already liked them. Oh! And Steve just said, 'I'd love to see those on my floor while I'm hitting that from behind.' See. You're dumb. These earrings are great."

People are so upset when things DON'T get 'likes'. Likes! And retweets. That's all anyone is after anymore. People can't even just enjoy a meal anymore without putting up a picture of it. And I bet it just doesn't taste as good if people don't 'like' it.

"Oh, man. Nobody likes this filet mignon I ordered. Ah, boy. Excuse me, could you pack this up and then throw it directly into the garbage? It didn't get ONE like or retweet. I can't eat it."

People spend tons of time creating their online persona, too. Is everyone really as busy as they try to make themselves out to be? Is EVERYONE Richard Branson? People are never not on their phone. Never not posting video. Never not tweeting or commenting. Never not texting. Who are you talking to? You hand out menu's at Denny's. How the hell can you have this hectic a schedule?

"Oh, god. Sorry. Just got another text from the night manager. She can't find which page the greek salad is on. I know, right? Page four. I've told her so many times. Okay, what were you saying about your cancer? Oh, god. Another text. Now she doesn't know which page the desserts are on. I swear, this woman. Go on. You've got cancer, don't know how much time you have. I'm listening. Go."

You can get jobs in the real world based on the amount of followers and friends you have in the online world. Actual jobs. That wouldn't work the other way around.

"Okay. How many friends do you have?"

"Ummm. I don't know. Like twenty two?"

"Only twenty two? Are you serious? What are you some kind of loser? You touch kids? We can't have you working here. We need someone with thousands of friends. Millions even!"

"How can someone have millions of friends?"

"I don't know, kid toucher. You'll sure as hell never know. Now please leave my office. I have to post to my millions of friends that a creepy kid toucher was just here."

People on online sites get so angry about other peoples personas and what they put up. Nobody likes anything else anyone is saying.

"I don't want to see pictures of your kids. I don't want to hear your thoughts on Syria. I don't want to see pictures of your food. I don't care that you like chocolate. I don't want to be invited to play games. I don't care about these memes. I don't want to know you're dog is doing okay. I don't care about your relationship status. I don't want to see pictures of you at the park."

Then you don't want to be on facebook! Stop complaining about it and shut it down. 

People love the people who created the stuff that allows us to constantly be adding to our online persona's, too. The late and powerful Jobs. People would dig him up and blow him.
"I sucked it! I sucked the oracles penis! Give me a free iPhone! I sucked it!"
Why? Because he was apart of making something that now you can never put down? Something you'd rather puke than leave your house with?
"But now because of Jobs, my phone does things that it couldn't before. I can check into places. I can record concerts that I'm at and watch them later which I'll never do. I can stop talking to the boring piece of trash in front of me and just randomly scroll through things that I don't even know why I'm scrolling through. It's amazing!"

It's amazing that most of us can do whatever we want, but we really just want to waste time seeing what other people are doing online. That's what most of the online world is about. What is that guy doing? How much money is that girl making? Just dumb, crazy, useless stuff. Our actual personas should be taken more seriously. Who cares what that person is doing? What are YOU doing? Checking your phone and email and other junk? Yeah, they probably are too.

Twitter @nathanmacintosh

Tipping.

In North America, tipping is a custom. The way we've structured it, we have to tip all kinds of people for all kinds of things. Most importantly though? People who work in restaurants and bars. Tipping used to be solely for service you enjoyed. Tipping now though is pretty much demanded of you. It's not an option. You don't tip? You'll be cast out of society and forced to walk alone like Judge Dredd. The main reason it's demanded of us is that the people working at these places are paid next to nothing. Okay.

If that's the main argument, then that war is not between humans walking around and servers.  It's higher ups dictating what servers make, then what we should do to compensate, and making us fight each other. It's not our fault that you are paid below minimum wage, and it's not your fault that your lively hood is dependent on strangers that come into your work. Why are you not paid a decent human wage? It's done in other parts of the world. One major problem nobody talks about is, why the hell are you paid below minimum wage? Why! Why is that never an issue?
"You have to tip. Do you know what he makes? If he works an eight hour shift, he makes like twenty seven bucks."
"That's crazy. Why?"
"Why? What do you mean, why? Just give him some goddamn money. What are you, an animal? He's gotta eat!"
"Sure. But I was just wondering why he is paid below minimum wage. Isn't that the whole point of minimum wage? That is the minimum that you are allowed to be pai..."
"Look, if you're too cheap to tip, don't tip. Just know there's a special place in hell for you. And it has more fire than you can imagine!"

Why are servers paid below minimum wage?! Why is that allowed to be!? So people are tipping because we feel horrible that the government refuses to pay you what someone at McDonalds makes? Why aren't they tipped? They're doing almost the same thing. They are serving the public in an establishment that's disgusting compared to your restaurant. People yell at them constantly. People fight almost daily in the place that they work. We don't tip people who work at McDonalds, though. Why? Because they are paid minimum wage! Why the hell aren't servers paid minimum wage, and because of that is it up to the public to make up for it? Was that that easy of an argument?
"You're hired! Also, you'll be paid half of what minimum wage is."
"What? Why?"
"Oh, because the good people that come in our are obligated to give you money. They just have to."
"Ohhhh. Makes sense. And when they don't, I'll hate them and this whole world for the rest of time."
"There you go. Now you're getting it."

When servers get mad at the people that didn't tip them, I find that hilarious. You can't yell at someone for not tipping you. That's not how tipping works. Yes, that is the only way you actually make a real amount of money, but you chose this job. A lot of the time you get tipped, sometimes you don't. You can't yell at people who don't. I used to sell shoes at Adidas. I can't yell at a guy for not buying them.
"Naw, I'm not gonna get them."
"What do you mean you're not going to get them? You wanted to try them on, didn't you? I was nice, wasn't I? I went and got them and told you how cool they looked on you? What the hell do you mean you don't want them!"
"I just don't want them, man. I thought I did but I don't."
"Ohhhhhhh. You THOUGHT you did? Well, maybe next time I'll THOUGHT about not getting you a pair of shoes. GOOD DAY TO YOU, SIR!"

Yelling at a guy who didn't tip you is one step away from just begging him for money. Sometimes homeless people yell at you when they ask you for money and you don't give it to them. Why? Because YOU are the only way they make money. You, the person walking by. Same as a server or bartender. The only way they make money is if you give it to them. If you don't tip and they yell, they're one short move away from just begging for it.
"No tip, huh? Really? You can go to hell!"
"I'm sorry, man. I just didn't like what you were doing."
"Ah, come on, man. I need this money. I haven't eaten in weeks. Just a dollar. Just gimme a dollar."
"I just don't have it, man. Sorry."
"Ah, screw you, then. You think you're better than me? I wasn't always on this side of the bar, you know. You ain't better than me! Keep walking, pound of wings. Keep walking."

A lot of servers and bartenders say they hate people. That's hilarious. People pay you! You only make money from people. What you mean to say is that you like six people, and that you hate every person you serve. If servers are allowed to hate people the way they do, why can't people hate servers and not tip them? It's against the law to not like service? When tipping is optional, can we the people just not like you, the server, and decide not to tip you?
"Why didn't you tip me?"
"Why didn't you come back to this table more than once?"
"... Because I don't like your face."
"Same."

I do think people should be tipped, but not just because. Here are some reasons servers should not be tipped.

1. Not splitting up the bills because they say, 'Our machine does not do that.'
Are you serious? It doesn't do that? They all spit out receipts louder than anything. And we all know, they can do it. If the machine that they have at an Applebee's can do it, I'm sure the machine you're using at this Moxie's can also make it happen. Just say you don't want to do it. People would respect you more. What stupid manager told you to tell the customers "our machines don't do that"? They should be fired, and you shouldn't be tipped.

2. They have a terrible default face.
You know the face you're making when you're not making a face at all? That's your default face. The face that just happens across your face when you are doing nothing. Some people's default face makes them look like they want to and do kick kids. It's hard to want to tip that person.

3. Because they poured you a beer.
The beer is right there. Right there. You take a glass, move your hand down, pull a lever, beer happens. It's the same as getting a glass of water. You didn't mix anything. You didn't even turn around. It's really the easiest thing you could possibly do behind a bar. Unless someone said, "Hey. Can you just get me a glass of you standing there doing nothing?". Opening a bottle of beer is ever less. You hand someone a bottle of beer? No way you should be tipped for that.

Twitter @nathanmacintosh

6 ways you know you're eating a sandwich.

You know, for some reason, in this topsy turvy world, people do not always know what they are eating. I hear people all the time, 'What the hell is this? What did I order? What in the goddam hell is in my stupid mouth right now?!' Well, I don't know about other foods, but I can tell you when you are eating a sandwich. Here are six ways to know how.

6 Ways You Know You're Eating A Sandwich.

1. It's on some kind of bread.

There are only some foods that are consistently on bread. Is spaghetti on bread? Who knows. It's your spaghetti. Do you need to wrap wings in pita before you take a bite? Absolutely not. Is there a rye bread involved with eating cookies? Most of the time, no. If what you're eating is contained inside of some sort of bread, it is probably a sandwich. That is pretty much what a sandwich is. Some junk between pieces of bread. Or junk wrapped up in a wrap. Or some trash thrown into some sort of tortilla. Whatever that garbage may be. You can put anything you want into a sandwich, but if what you throw together is between pieces of things made with wheat? That there, long haul trucker, is a sandwich.

"I'm a dog sandwich. That's how this whole thing works."

2. You are picking it up with your hands to eat it.

Sandwiches are eaten with your hands. Just about every time. You could put it in a bowl and eat it with a spoon. Would be very strange. You could use a knife and a fork, but if you do that you probably own a horse and are a white woman from Connecticut. A white woman from Connecticut is NOT a sandwich. Let's get that straight.  'But cookies are eaten with your hands,' you say, and chips, and many other things. Is this really a sandwich I'm eating or is it a bag of Sour Patch Kids? Good question. Again, if you refer to way number one, ask yourself if what you are holding is between bread. It is? Then that there, go-kart operator, is a sandwich.

"I said, get me a fork. My hands are for reading books about why a ten year old would have this serious a face."

3. You ordered a sandwich.

This is a pretty sure giveaway to figuring out what you're eating. A server came to your table and asked, 'What do you want?' You scream, 'Club sandwich!' You probably yelled because you were so nervous that you would make a mistake and order something else. Maybe potatoes. Maybe a garden salad. So before your mind started coming up with other food options, you screamed 'Club sandwich!' so that you'd get one. The server is startled, but puts in the order. Your food comes minutes later. Wondering what it is? No need to, crop duster. You yelled sandwich. You got sandwich.

"So you're telling me that if I order a sandwich I will get a sandwich? Must be magic."

4. It came with chips.

When you order a steak, it doesn't come with chips. Cordon Bleu does not come with chips. Unless you ordered a lobster from a vending machine, no chips will be beside it. If you are stumped as to what you are eating, look at what came with it. If it is some kind of plain potato chip, that is probably a sandwich. It might be a hamburger or a hot dog. Those also have bread and have to be eaten with your hands. By this criteria, those are basically just different shaped sandwiches. Let's not get into that. Really nice meals don't come with chips. Enough said, book shelf repair man.

"Sure, whatever. I guess you can have Fruit By The Foot with your Duck a l'Orange. It's your personal fun house tonight!"

5. You have to keep putting it back together.

So the thing you are eating keeps falling apart. Tomatoes are blowing out of it. Bacon is making a jump for it every chance it gets. Mayo is falling all over the place. You can't figure out what it is because basically, in today's busy world, who has time to figure out what they're eating? Well, this is clearly a sandwich. Look, what else falls apart and contains tomatoes and bacon? Cereal? Fig Newtons? Bananas? I think not. Even if you were EATING a tomato, tomato wouldn't be blowing out of it. What you are eating, fair doctor, is a sandwich. Unless you are eating a salad with your hands. If that's the case, it's time to go back to school.

"There we go. A nice, comfortable sandwich for you to sleep in. I mean, crib. A nice comfortable crib for you to... what the hell is this thing? Whatever. I'm getting a sandwich. Flip your thing over and sleep in it."

6. Someone yells, 'Hey, how's that sandwich!'

You are eating something, and you have no idea what it is. You're enjoying it, but staring out the window of the restaurant wondering what the hell it is. Then some over-enthusiastic man walks by and yells, 'Hey! How's that sandwich?!' Now, there's no way the two of you have no idea what a sandwich is. He's probably onto something. First thing in this situation is to go, 'Oh yeah! That's what the hell this is!' Then, look that man in his face and say, 'This sandwich right here, toll booth guy? Is delicious.'

"I just want to know how your sandwiches were!"
"They we're probably pretty great if we are keeping behind this fence. Now shut up!"

5 reasons men don't want to go to your wedding.

Summer time is wedding time. Tons of people feel that because it's warm outside, they are going to show their love for each other and get married. We'll, just so every one knows, men don't want to go. Just about never. Unless we're the best man, or a brother, and even then, probably not. Here are a few reasons why.

1. It's not at our house.
You want us to go to your wedding, but you didn't make it easy for us to get to it. It's hours away. Wait, it's a flight away? Are you serious? Haven't been on vacation in years, but we're gonna book a flight to your destination wedding? Most men don't want to go anywhere. 9 times out of 10 men would rather do whatever can be done outside in their house. If you WANT a man to WANT to go, bring the wedding to their house. If you call a man to come to your house, what's one of the first things he says? 'Why don't you come to my house?' Every time. Always. Without fail. Bring the wedding to us, we'll be happy to go. Maybe our kitchen isn't the best place to express your love for each other, but we'll be there.

"Hey, guys, thanks for getting married on my train to work. I really appreciate you not making me go out of my way. My stops next, so, hurry up and kiss the bride."

2. It's too far in advance.
You're in love, and will be for a couple of years until you start to hate everything. You decide to get married. Not today, of course, you have to plan such an event. So you decide to get married married in a year and a half. You send invitations to everyone you know. 'Save the date! Aug 16th 2017. It's gonna be great!' How the hell can someone know where they will be that far from now? How can someone other than you stay excited for something that long? That is two full calendars away! The best case scenario is that when the date does come around, our lives have so little going on that we don't have to cancel anything to be able to go. Men don't like to plan that far in advance. Most of us don't like making plans on a Monday for Saturday.
"6 whole days? Come on, man. I have NO idea what'll be going on then."
You want men to want to go? Book your wedding for tonight or tomorrow night. We're in.

"Yep. 'Chris and Sarah's Wedding. June 7th, 2017'. If I don't get it tattooed on me I'll never remember. Hey, you think you could put flames around it? That'd be tits."

3. We want to sleep with the bride.
Yep. It's out of the bag. We want to sleep with the bride. We've wanted to sleep with her the minute we saw her. She's great. Always smiling, always telling great stories. She once was getting out of a pool and a boob flopped out of her suit. Well, that cinched it. We want to see the other one. If we go, we're going to stand way to close to you when you take her garter off and throw it. We'll basically jump right in your face to catch it. Maybe even just go, 'Hey, I'll take that garter.' That won't look good, so we're staying away.

"I'm the man. I'm gonna go home and make love to this thing. Wait, no, that's not what I... I'm out of here. Thank you, Jesus!"

4. We want to sleep with the groom.

Yep. It's out of the bag. We want to sleep with the groom. We've been hiding it well, but we're actually gay. We've been looking at the groom for years now. He's always smiling. Telling great stories. He was getting out of a car one time in bike shorts and a ball fell out. Well, that cinched it. We wanted to see the other one. We do want to see him in that tux looking all cute, but we can't deal with the fact that he's marrying a damn woman! It's so hard to get a straight man to leave these women alone we've noticed. We won't be at the wedding, but we will be there to listen to all your 'Man, marriage sucks!' stories, hoping that you'll get drunk enough to take your pants off.

"Oh, marriage sucks, huh? Yeah, she's always on your back. Why don't you take your shirt off? It'll probably make you less drunk."

5. It's on a Sunday, and we can't wear sweatpants.

Your wedding is never in the middle of the week. Nobody books a 'hump day' wedding. There's no 'Tying the Knot Tuesday!' Always on a Sunday. Sundays are for chilling. Chilling is for sweatpants. Unless you have some sort of wrestling theme to your festivities, chances are we have to put on dress pants. Men don't like putting on dress pants on days that they want to chill. Dress pants are the opposite of chill.

"Now THIS is a wedding we can get behind! We're so comfortable and relaxed at this wedding. I wonder what the bride will be wearing? A Snuggie? Bathrobe? More champagne, please!"

Twitter @nathanmacintosh

6 reasons Breaking Bad is better than your relationship.

Breaking Bad has come back, and your relationship has never left. It's still here, being underwhelming. Could it possibly be that Breaking Bad, with its excellent writing and acting, could be better than your relationship? Yes, and here are six reasons why.

1. Breaking Bad doesn't complain.
Your relationship used to be really fun. The two of you would laugh at old lines from Dumb And Dumber, hold hands while going through airport security, and literally agree on everything. Now? Not the same. It's just complaining and disagreeing.
'This food sucks.' 'Oh, maybe you can order better.' 'Well, I wouldn't choose John's Pizza and Chess Board Repair Shop!' 'Get off my back! I wanted pizza and needed the chess board fixed!'
'I hate how I look.' 'You look great.' 'What do you know, stupid? You're an idiot. I look bad to strangers. Obviously I look good to a person who sees me everyday.'
'That guy's a piece of garbage. Why do you talk to him?' 'Because he's my DAD! I've told you that!'
'Why couldn't you get hard?! You don't find me attractive?!' 'It had nothing to do with you, okay? It's been a weird day.'
Breaking Bad doesn't do that. Breaking Bad is fine with the food you've ordered, your dad, and always makes you sexually aroused.

"I don't care if Breaking Bad wouldn't complain about it! Breaking Bad didn't just get called for a foul it didn't commit!"

2. Breaking Bad doesn't suck in bed.
When your relationship started, the sex was great. Sometimes you didn't even wait to get home from Chili's. You just did it right there in the parking lot on a burrito wrapper. Now? You wait until you get home from that Chili's and it is not worth the wait. Nobody brings anything to bed. No enthusiasm at all. During, you both start to wish you still had just one last bite of the Spicy Grilled Shrimp Tacos you ordered. Man, they were good. Remember when this sex used to be? Breaking Bad always brings it when you take it to bed. You lay down with Breaking Bad, and you know you're getting its A game. It's not gonna hold out on that move you love until your birthday. Breaking Bad treats every night likes it's your birthday. Except The Fly episode. That one doesn't care if it's your double birthday.

"Wow. Today's my birthday, not Labour Day. I would love to know what he's tired from. Under-delivering? I feel like I just lost my whole family in an accident."

3. Breaking Bad can't drive, but if it could, it would have picked you up when it said it was going to.
So you get drunk beyond repair and are thrown out of a bar head first by a man who looks like a failed wrestler. Your shoes blow off, its raining, and you're so drunk pizza guys won't even serve you. You call your partner to come pick you up. They say, "Of course," they'll be there in ten minutes. Fifteen minutes go by. Then twenty. So much time goes by you start to sober up. By the time your partner does finally show, you're not even drunk anymore. You just have a headache and want waffles. Breaking Bad wouldn't have done that. It would have picked you up in ten minutes while you were still good and smashed, and entertained you the whole way home.

"You couldn't pick me up before I fell into this pile of trash? Breaking Bad put my shoes back on, that's who. No, leave me here! I want to prove a point! Plus, I landed on some magazines that are comfortable."

4. Breaking Bad isn't pressuring you into marrying it.
You've been in your relationship for awhile, and you can officially say that it's serious. It's serious because there is no more fun attached to it. None. Fun has been replaced with, 'When are we gonna get married? I need to get married. I'm on a schedule!' What fun! Your partner's twenty nine, and her parents have been barking at her since she was twenty five to stop messing around and settle down. They call her and let her know when there is a jewelry sale at Macy's and that she should tell you to buy a ring. What a great text! 'A little bird told me that engagement rings are on sale. Hint hint.' A little bird told you this sucks. Breaking Bad, however, doesn't even care if you watch it. But when you decide to, it's right there, ready to accept your relationship for what it is. You don't want to watch its whole five years? Cool. You can even watch some seasons of 'Who's the Boss' if you want. Tell your partner you'd like to step out and watch another girls episodes. Just try it.

"Look, I just want to see ONE season of her vagina. That's it! One. I've seen fourteen seasons of yours. Is one so bad?"

5. Breaking Bad has five good years. You guys have had two good dates.
Yep. Two good dates. Remember those? First date you went bowling. A kid in the lane next to you dropped his chicken fingers, and your date bought him some more. You fell in love right there. He showed he's good with kids. Then, three dates later, he revealed his major drinking problem while you were on a wine tasting tour. He got loaded on a Merlot from Australia and starting cursing out the tour guide. The next two years went much the same. You loved him because of the chicken finger thing so you tried to help him. The only other good date was the one you had with yourself the day you finally got him to go into rehab. Breaking Bad has only given you one bad night. The Fly episode. Sure it wasn't great, but it didn't throw up on four bath mats that you bought.

"Sure, Greg, you look great without a shirt on. Jesus, can you get up? You get this drunk at your own parent's anniversary! No, God doesn't want some of your beer. Put it down!"

6. Breaking Bad doesn't argue with you in front of a bar. 

You're at a bar with your partner in the relationship that you can barely handle. You ask him if he wants another bowl of pretzels. He doesn't hear you. He then turns and says, 'Hey, I want to get some more pretzels.'  This is the fourth time he hasn't heard you.
"I just asked you if you wanted some. You didn't hear me? You never listen to me."
"What? I just didn't hear you. Whatever. I'm gonna get some wings."
"Wings? No way! You said you were gonna go to the gym. Real men have abs, not Cheeto dust in their stomach hair!"
"Oh yeah? Real men also don't date women they barely find attractive."
You snap. The bartender asks you both to leave. You go outside and continue screaming at each other, calling each other whores in front of a group of people who were enjoying cigarettes a minute ago, but now are enjoying cigarettes and watching you both yell and cry. Now, isn't Breaking Bad better than this? 

"Oh, Breaking Bad wouldn't argue with you in front of people?! Well, Breaking Bad probably wouldn't do a double take on the waitress! Why don't you ask Breaking Bad for a threesome, huh? Ask that whore BREAKING BAD!"

Twitter @nathanmacintosh

8 things a guy does that make you think he wants to be with you but that don't mean he wants to be with you.

So you've met a guy who you want to be with, and he has done some things that make you believe he FOR SURE wants to be with you. Are any of these the things? Then you might want to think again.

1. Sleeping with you.
So a man just put his business in your business. He wants to be with you, right? Wooooaaaaa. Slow down, 'what will our wedding song be?'. Two businesses colliding doesn't always mean good things. Remember the merger between Sony and Michael Jackson? Probably not, but it ended terribly. Michael thought Sony wanted to be with him because they put their business with his. He was wrong, and because of that, nobody heard 'Butterflies'. He's seen your butterfly, but it doesn't mean he wants it around him all the time.

                      "SONY told me at least TWO people would hear Butterflies! They lied."

2. You called your vagina a 'butterfly' in front of him and he didn't say anything.
So you're walking past a table you don't notice. Boom! You've slammed your vag into the edge. Hurt? Yes. But you can't just yell out, 'Ow! My vag! My goddamn vag!" in front of a man you've just started seeing. So you call it the name you've given it. 'Ow! My butterfly!' You pause, realize what you've done, and wait to see what his reaction is. He doesn't have one. You've just said the pet name you have for your vagina in front of your new guy and he didn't freak out! He must want to be with you! Woooooaaaaaa. Slow down, 'time for a road trip to see if we're ready to live together'. He didn't say anything, but that doesn't mean he didn't think anything. He is NOT INTO that for sure. You think it's cute, sure, but what would you say if he smashed his junk in a car door and yelled, 'Ahhhh! My caterpillar!' ... Exactly.

      "Ohhhh! My magic rope! Ahhh. I don't know what happened. Still want to go to the theatre?"

3. Holding your hand in public.
So you're walking down the street with him, and he starts to hold your hand. In front of other people! In public! He must want to be with you, right? Woooooaaaa. Slow down, 'hopefully my dad will walk me down the aisle'. Women like men who are with other women. Women don't seem to be attracted to men who are walking the earth alone and depressed. He started to hold your hand to let other women around know that he's with a woman, which means he's worth being with. He's holding YOUR hand, but hoping that the girl with great legs locking up her bike notices.

            "Look, women of earth! I'm holding a woman's hand! You now find me dateable!"

4. Saying he wants to meet your friends.
So you're hanging out, and out of nowhere, he says he wants to meet your friends. He wants to meet your friends? He wants to know some of the people you've known your whole life? He must want to be with you! Wooooooaaaaaa. Slow down, 'I always knew the right one would come along'. A man wanting to meet your friends does not mean that he wants to be with you. He thinks you're cute, so he wants to see if you have cute friends. Men like looking at women. You're a woman with access to other women. He's gonna want you to show them to him! Also, every girl has a friend of hers who she doesn't trust around men. He'd like to meet her.

     "Oh, THIS is your friend Sarah. She's nice. I can't understand why you didn't want me to meet her."

5. Saying, 'I want to be with you'.
A lot of girls fall for this one. The old 'I want to be with you' speech. Girls hear it and think, 'well, he for sure wants to be with me. He just said so!' Woooaaaa, slow down, 'we'll have blue wedding invitations'. Don't run off and get fitted for a dress just yet. What was the context when he said this? Were you laying naked in each others arms? Maybe he just doesn't want to have a naked argument. Being naked with a woman is supposed to be a good time, not a time to explain why you're not at a stage in your life where you can just commit to one person. Explaining yourself while a flaccid penis is floating around? Not a great time. Or maybe he said 'I want to be with you' while at dinner. Don't trust that either. He probably just wanted you to pass the breadsticks.

"Of course I want to be with you! Hey, do you mind passing me my phone? Thanks. Hello? No, man. I'm not busy. What's up?"

6. Saying he's not in this just for the sex.

He's seen you naked in every position possible, and you want to know if this is going somewhere. So you ask him if this is just for the sex. He looks you right in the eyes, and responds, 'No. I'm not in this just for the sex.' Oh, man! That's the answer! He wants to be with you! Woooooaaaaaa. Slow down, 'his and hers matching towels.' Any man who has said this statement has said it for a reason. Does Kobe need to tell you he can hit 3's? Does Bill Gates need to tell you he's rich? Nope. So why would a man whose not in it just for the sex have to tell you that? Because he is COMPLETELY in this just for the sex, and is trying to throw you off the trail. If he wasn't, he would have said, 'of course not, stupid. Now let's watch season 7 of Seinfeld again.'

 "In it for the sex?! No, I just suffer through that to get to the Maestro episode. Hmmm. Oh, nothing. Oh, you want to do it again? Ugh. I mean,.... Yeeeeaaaaugh."

7. Taking you to meet his parents.

'Oh, wow. I'm meeting his PARENTS. Meeting the parents is a big deal. He must want to be with me!' Wooooaaaa. Slow down, 'we're getting engaged'. Not everyone thinks their parents are cool or care about their opinions. To some, introducing you to their parents is a big thing. It's a 'mom, dad, here's who I love and I want you to meet them because I am close to you'. For others, it's 'Look, I don't like you, and you don't like me. But for some reason, this is supposed to be a normal thing so I'm doing it. I don't care if you like this girl or not. I still have unresolved issues with you, and she's here to be a reason to bail at any minute. I don't like how you spoke to me? She suddenly has to work in twenty minutes.' Now you've wasted a weekend talking to people that he doesn't care about. Worse things have happened.

"Wait, so he doesn't even like you guys?" "Would he have ran onto that highway when I said he should have stayed in school if he did? Ahhhhh. Well, this is awkward. So, what do you know about our son? We haven't spoken in years."

8. He asks you to stay in the middle of the night after sex.

So, you've had sex. It's 2am. You've never stayed over before, and he says, 'why don't you just sleep here.' Oh, wow! He just asked you to stay over! He must want to be with you! Woooooaaaaa. Slow down, 'time to order my train.' He watched the news that night and heard that there is a guy whose kidnapping women in his area. What happens if you go outside at 2:30 am and are thrown into some maniac's trunk? The cops will talk to the person who saw you last, the man whose house you just left. And what's he gonna say to them? "Ummm, I asked her to leave because I'm not ready for a relationship." Now he's being questioned about where he was the last four nights that women were kidnapped. His alibi is you, but you can't be reached because you're in the back of an Oldsmobile Cutlass that's heading to the dock where you'll be sold to human traffickers. Is any of this worth it? No. So stay over, but don't read too much into it.

"Look, I told you I don't know where she is. I just met her! I asked her to leave because my mother never gave me the love I needed so I don't know how to be open with women. Is THAT a crime?"

9 Socially unacceptable ways to break up with someone that should be acceptable.

It's the summertime. People are breaking up all over the place! The only socially acceptable way to do it is to meet up with the human you no longer want to see and tell them face to face. Every thing else has stepped into the 21st century. Breaking up needs to as well. Here are ways that are not accepted but should be.

1. In a text.
Why is this one bad? NOBODY will say that texting someone is a good way of breaking up. Texting someone that you've been in an accident,  letting someone know they should get checked because you have a STD, or 'hey, you up?' at 4:30 am are all acceptable reasons to text. But texting someone 'don't ever text me again, we're done' is not? A lot of relationships start with a text, but you can't end it the same way? This one should be the industry standard. It is NOT though. The world would respect you more for writing 'We're Done!' on a copy of Planet Earth and throwing it through their window.

"What?! No! You can't break up with me in text?! You need to meet me! Why am I yelling at my phone!?"

2. Writing 'We're Done!' on a copy of Planet Earth and throwing it through their window.
Most people leave relationships with no parting gifts. This way you leave them with something other than just the feeling that they are a useless human being. Have you ever seen Planet Earth? It's fantastic. So, your windows broken, and you've just been dumped, but now you have David Attenboroughs sexy voice to tell you about the Serengeti. So, really, is anything that bad?

"Why would Brian do this?! Right through my window! It's just ridic... oh. The complete series. Huh. Well that's something. They care about me!"

3. Leaving a message at their job.
This one is just practical. They don't get bothered with a long phone call, they can enjoy their lunch undisturbed and come back to this message, they're away from home and all the sharp things there. Best is, now you're giving them a reason to be rude at work. Who would get upset with someone being a dick at work when you know they just got a message that said they have to pack their junk and move out?

         "You're girlfriend called. Said she's not your girlfriend anymore. Also, we need new computers."

4. Getting down on one knee in front of a crowd, making it look like you're going to propose, and saying 'Will you make me the happiest man on earth, and leave me the hell alone?'
You're allowed to be at a baseball game and make everyone watch you ask your girlfriend to marry you, why not get everyone watch you break up with her? Should be allowed. What's wrong with it? She gets some camera time, your outside enjoying the air, there's a BASEBALL game. What's the big deal? Plus, I'm sure there will be some guy in the stands who sees this and thinks, 'Wow. That's girls beautiful. And she's single!' You're letting men know that this lady is back in the ocean. It's free advertising!

 "Don't laugh. I'm serious. Will you please leave me alone? I wanted to come to the game with a friend."

5. Asking their parents to let them know.
Their parents brought them into this world, raised them, hurt them emotionally in ways that only showed up with they were almost thirty. They can for sure give them the news that you don't want to see them anymore. Some people ask their girlfriends dad if they can marry them. Why not tell the dad you want to do the exact opposite? If their parents live out of town, they'll wonder why you drove five hours to their house without their child. That's when you say it's because you have dignity, and that that is how much you want out of this relationship.

"We're just giving you the info, okay? Don't take it out on us. Maybe if you didn't wear Chucks he'd treat you like a real woman. Look at me! LOOK AT ME!"

6. Yelling 'We're done!' while you drive by them.
So, you see the person you've started to hate the last couple of weeks walking down the street enjoying an ice cream. You want to break up with them, but you have somewhere to be. What's the alternative? Roll your window down, and scream 'I've had enough!' while you speed past. You've killed three birds with one stone. Ended a terrible relationship, made them drop their ice cream, and still made it to the 1:30 showing of Grown Ups 2.

             "Pack your junk! We're done! I would have texted but it's illegal to do that and drive!"

7. Calling them.
Now, for gods sake, you can't call someone? Relationships start on less! A lot start from a message on OK Cupid.
"Hey, I also like cupcakes and the second season of The Wire! Want to get frozen yogurt?"
By calling them and ending it, you're being more personal than when you asked them out in the first place! Call them and tell them you wished you'd never clicked on their profile. And if they don't answer, fell free to leave a short message telling them what's wrong with them.

"I know it's been 40 years, but I'm done... You're on your way back from the grocery store? Yeah, I won't be here. Good luck with your last 15 years."

8. Email.
An email is just a longer text that you get later and hopefully has better spelling and grammar. It can even be much longer and nicer than a text. But this one is also hated by the earth. We all get emails all day. A lot of them are from people in Nigeria asking for money, telling you your penis is too small, why not one that decides how you are going to spend the weekend? You were supposed to go to the movies with your partner? Well, an email changed that! Now you're drinking. And you didn't have to meet up and have a real conversation to find it out.

"Dear human I've been dating. I don't want to do that anymore. This email explains that. The subject line that read 'Urgent! I no longer like you!' should have as well."

9. During a Christmas Dinner.
So, you're at your partners house for Christmas. You wanted to break up with them a month ago so it wouldn't get to this, but here you are. Asking their four year old cousin whose been kicking you under the table for twenty minutes to pass the salt. They throw it at you. You've had it! So you clink your glass, stand up, and say, "Look. I didn't want to be here. I don't want to be in this relationship anymore. I'm out, and I'm taking this turkey leg with me. Also, smarten up this stupid four year old. Isn't there a children's table?" So you ruined a families Christmas. It happens. But you just made yours a bit Merrier.

"Man, I would love to drive that straw right into his nose bone. I'd like to throw that book into his sisters face, too. Why wear a hat to Christmas dinner? AND bring a book? I hate this whole family. Picturing hot gravy spilling everyone really makes me happy."

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