Dirty and Clean

When I first started doing comedy, I wouldn't swear on stage. I didn't want to. There were things I didn't want to talk about, I always wore a dress shirt, and I never swore. Offstage? I swore, didn't only wear dress shirts, and I had opinions on everything! I decided that I wanted to be more me on stage, so that meant taking my actual thoughts on with me, not just things I came up with.

Too many times, I've seen things written about comedy that says things such as, "Clean comedy is the way to go. It's easy to get a laugh with swearing. It's much harder to get a laugh without."

Is it really that easy to do? To just swear on stage and get a laugh? A real heartfelt laugh? There aren’t too many places you can just go up and swear into a mic and have people laughing.

"Ohhh, man. This is great! He's saying all the things I think when someone cuts me off!"

Is it easier to do what Chris Rock does than what Brian Regan does? They are both hard! Look at The Simpsons and South Park. Simpsons are hilarious. South Park? Same. Is South Park funny just because they swear? No! They are smart and on point. That show has been amazing over the last few years.

Any time someone writes about how it is hard to be clean, the comments underneath these writings are always pretty entertaining.

"That's right! You keep doing what you do! Too many people out there just swearing and being dirty for the sake of it. Nice to see a clever, funny person out there not resorting to being filthy."

First of all, to me, being completely clean is in some ways offensive on its own. People like to think, "You can't offend people by being clean." Um, yeah you can! If you are not being entertaining, it's offensive. If you are being fake, it's offensive. If you are saying, "Some guy cut me off and I put my head out the window and said, ‘Hey! Watch where you're going, you penis enjoyer!’" – I can tell you, I am offended.

The word 'clever' should make most adults puke. Clever? Clever should only ever be used to describe smart five year olds.

"Oh, look at you? Colored in the whole picture by yourself with water-paints? You're very clever. And you! Thirty-five year old man who says fudge instead of swearing! Very clever indeed."

I have a strong feeling towards this because I battle with this all the time. Should I swear? Should I not swear? I have apologized to people after shows for swearing. Apologized! When I think of that, that is much more disgusting than actually swearing in my mind. I have these crazy thoughts that when I swear sometimes, someone goes home, sits in a corner of their house and cries.

"I can't believe what I just heard. Why would he say that?! He ruined my Thursday night, thus ruining the rest of the weekend because it will take at least three days to get over this! WHY!?"

I know. Insane, huh? Why is this, though? Because when I was growing up, very early on, I was labeled a good kid. I was a quiet, do-my-homework kind of kid. Then when I started to get older, I became more outgoing, started to question things, and found more of my actual voice instead of the one I was supposed to have for school.

What's funny is – clean comedy still has to make itself sound as if it's edgy comedy. Look at any comedy special from a clean comedian. Tries to make it sound as if they're knocking down boundaries.

"Look out, grocery stores! Nothing is sacred here in this one hour special. Two-for-one pineapples, pocket lint, spare change. Buckle up! You've never heard someone take down shopping carts like this!"

I've been in many conversations where someone will say with an air of royalty, "Well, I don't have to swear to be funny." 

Good for you, hero. We are all proud of you. You did make a hilarious quip about what a doorknob would say, though, if it could talk. I'd assume there's not much room for swearing in that.

"Ever wonder what a doorknob would say if it could talk? Probably 'stop turning my fucking face!' All right, goodnight Toledo!"


Swearing is needed in some situations. Needed. No one has ever heard the phrase,
"Ahhh, intercourse me harder!"
Never. You've never heard that. And if you do hear it, run! Run out of that room. You are about to be murdered. How gross does the word "intercourse" sound? It sounds as though you are about dissect someone.
"Well, I have my formaldehyde, polymer gloves, I believe I'm ready to intercourse this frog."
"...Um, I think the term you are looking for is 'dissect'."
"Ewww! 'Dissect'? The word sex is almost in there! I'm going to have sex with this frog? No. Intercourse it. God. Keep your mind out of the gutter."
"But intercourse means sex."
"STOP TALKING DIRTY WHILE I AM HOLDING A DEAD FROG!"


Rap music doesn't need swearing, but the songs that have swearing, need that swearing. There's nothing sadder than listening to a song that can hype you up, only to have half of it cut out.
"Gonna take over the world, me and my girl, gonna 'beep' 'beep' the 'beep' 'beep' 'beep 'beep' 'beep' 'beep' Arby's drive-thru, yea you know how we do! Me and my crew, just 'beeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeep'."

I have never heard anyone say, "I don't have to be clean to be funny." Why is clean comedy the top of the top? Why can't smart comedy be? No matter how it is conveyed, why is it not what is looked upon?
"You know, that guy didn't swear, and made a bunch of noises for an hour."
"I know! It was great! That other guy swore and talked about politics in a very enlightening way. God. Terrible. I mean, throw a beep or a boink in there at least."
"I know, man. I know. Hopefully one day he'll learn."

I talked to someone once who was reading a book about being a comedian. There was a chapter that was "Don't work dirty." The person I was talking to said, "Yeah, you should work clean because you can reach a wider audience."

Can you? You can reach a different audience. Probably some of the same people in both. Do you think that Guns N’ Roses were upset that they had a different audience than Air Supply?

"Man, millions of people want to see us, but we don't get to do ANY shows in the afternoon to neutered adults."

"I know, right! I have already started re-writing our songs. How about, "Welcome to the bungalow, we've got buns and flames?"

"Hmmm, I like it, but people might think that we mean a woman's behind if we say 'buns'."

"Dammit! You're right! I guess we’ll just play to tons of adoring fans all over the world at NIGHT time. Geez."

"I know, I know. It'll be okay. Don't cry. We'll write a children's book."
"(sniff sniff)...You...you promise?"
"...I promise."

The only reason it makes me upset, is because there's no grey area. It's just dirty or clean.

"Well, he's clean. And you're dirty."

So, wait, because I swear a bit, I'm in the same category as Andrew Dice Clay? Does that make any sense? We don't do this in any other facet of life. 

"Your honor, he has thirty five unpaid parking tickets. CLEARLY, he is as bad as Hitler."

"You are right. Any infraction puts you in the level of dictators. Life in prison without parole."

I've heard many people say as well,

"Well, I just don't think you need to swear to be funny."

Yeah, you're right, you don't need to swear. We are throwing the word need in there? You don't NEED a lot of things. You don't NEED to have audio in movies. They used to make silent movies. Let's do it again! You don't NEED round tires on a car. Sure, it'll be a little weird at first, but you can get down the street on your square tires.

Some people will go out of their way to say, "Oh, I guess this crowd just wants dirty material."

Why! Maybe they just want some material with feeling! Maybe you don't have any heart in your stuff about lozenge wrappers.

"By the time I got it open, my throat was so red – Conservatives wanted seats in it! ...Crickets, huh? Well, I didn't swear."

Most people swear in real life as well. There are people who don't swear at all and that's fine. But to try to say that people shouldn't swear on stage is just disgusting. You are taking art away from people. If swearing weren’t allowed, there'd be no rap music, no George Carlin, not even movies like The Big Lebowski or Goon. Do we know how good all of these things are? It's funny to me that no matter how dirty Andrew Dice Clay got; he never had one sexual harassment charge against him. Bill Cosby has had two. Two! Would we rather people be clean on stage and dirty in real life?

"God, I really don't like his act. It's so vile! Nice guy, though. THAT guy’s act is so clean and nice. He did grope me in a parking lot, but I mean, he doesn't swear on stage, so it's okay. That swearing guy? What an animal!"

Steve Jobs.

When Steve Jobs died, I thought, "Oh, that's interesting. I had no idea that was coming." Then I watched TV coverage and saw that people were crying and putting up shrines. Shrines! I then thought, "Did I miss the great music that Steve had put out? Are there some really heartfelt songs sung by him that I should have heard?"

"Oh my God! I can't believe he's gone! I loved his song "Charge It Up". Miss you, Steve!"

But no. No songs.

Steve Jobs died and everyone freaked out.

"He's gone?! But I haven't MET him yet!"

When he died, everyone talked about him and his face was everywhere.

"Did you hear about Steve Jobs?"

"You mean that guy? The man whose picture is fifty feet tall and everywhere?"

"Yeah! Have you heard?"

Before that? I never heard anyone talk about him. Before he died, I was never in a situation where somebody talked about how great Steve Jobs was.

"Do you understand how unbelievable Steve Jobs is?"

"Who? The Mac guy?"

"The Mac guy? Do you have any respect at all?! He designed the Mac!"

"...Yeah, I know. That's why I said the Mac g..."

"He DESIGNED the MAC! God, what's wrong with you? Can you at least turn up my Steve Jobs machine so I can hear my music from Steve JobsTunes?"

 

Watching the news coverage, you would have thought another war was breaking out.

"Why are these guys crying in front of the Apple store?"

"I don't know. But I can only assume that it's because Apple has declared war on Windows. There will be a lot of genius casualties in this one."

I couldn't believe that people put shrines out infront of Apple stores. Shrines? For a man who designed a device? That seems far. People wouldn't even put up shrines for their own parents. Your own mom would barely get a good eulogy, but you have to take those flowers down to the Apple store and put them outside.

"Oh, Steve. You were great. Thank you for allowing me to not carry CDs anymore. I can now listen to Ginuwine’s entire catalogue with comfort and ease."

"Those flowers say: "God Bless You, Mom".

"Umm, yeah, well, I'm sure God will get the message either way. These are for Steve now!"

 

People put shrines out infront of stores that he didn't even work at! He wasn't a cashier at these places.

"Excuse me, Genius? What was Steve like? Did you work with him yesterday?"

"I have actually never met the man."

"Oh, you guys worked different hours, huh? I see."

 

If someone ever cures cancer, that guy won't get shrines the way that Steve Jobs did. That man wouldn't get this kind of respect.

"Ladies and gentleman, I would like to let you know that I have found a cure for cancer! Your families, loved ones, and future generations will not have to worry about this horrible disease anymore!"

"Whatever, man! Did you help Steve Jobs?"

"..Um, yes. He is no..."

"Shut up! Where is Steve?! We want to hear from Steve!"

"He, um, he's still recovering from the..."

"Steve! Steve! Steve! Steve! He's more important than you! All you did was make it possible for my mom to live longer. Steve made it possible for me to take a picture of her and turn it into a cartoon! Steve! Steve! Steve!"

 

There were a lot of pictures shown of Steve Jobs at the time, most of them pretty similar. A lot of him looking at a camera, while wearing his trademark black turtleneck and white shoes, with a look on his face that almost said,

"Yes. This is what the leader looks like. Don't I kinda look like Jeff Goldblum without hair?"

It's funny that if you design technology, you can wear the same thing all the time. The world lets you get away with it.

"Hasn't he been wearing those sandals and overalls for two straight weeks?"

"Yeah, but he is building a rocket out of pop cans."

"Ooohhh. He's a genius. Good for him."

No one else can get away with wearing the same thing all the time. If you read about a murderer who always wore the same thing – that would totally make sense to you.

"Yeah, he ALWAYS had on white shoes and a black turtleneck. I can completely believe that there are seventy-five women stacked in this closet. I mean, he had the room in there. There are no clothes! Right?! Haha... too soon?"

 

Also, there were way too many young people in front of these stores crying. Look, if you didn't have to deal with dial-up, you have no business crying about Steve Jobs. People who heard dial-up should be crying that a man who helped take us far away from that terrible noise is no longer with us.

"I can't believe he's gone... I can still hear my son booting up his computer to slowly search porn sites that don't actually give you any movies for free. BAAAAHHHHH, BEDO, BEDO, BEDO! Just terrible. It went off even when the sound wasn't on your computer! What the hell was wrong with that demon sound!"

 

People crying I don't understand. You paid tons of money for these products. He was handsomely rewarded for his work. HANDSOMELY. To work five months to save up for something you really don't need, then cry when the man who designed it dies? I could see maybe if you stole it.

"I left the store with an iPad in my jeans by accident! When I went home, used it for three weeks, found out that I loved it and should pay for it, I came back with the money and you were dead! Not fair, world! Someone put this money in his grave! PUT IT IN HIS GRAVE!"

 

Can we be honest here? Steve Jobs really created a reality where no one can now have empty hands. People just can't do it! Have to be holding something. If it's not the iPhone, it's the iPad. Not the iPad? How about an iPod? If it's none of these, it's a charger in both hands – running around trying to find these things.

"Come on iEverything, where are you?! I can't go outside without music, I can't even open the door without checking the weather on my iPhone, and how the hell can I sit on the train without playing a game on my iPad?! My hands are starting to rela... No! No!"

  

Steve Jobs helped create annoying things and take people out of the moment. He didn't set out to do that, obviously. That would be Dr. Robotnik evil.

“I will create a device that makes it so people never truly enjoy a moment again! Haha! Then, I will destroy Sonic and his friend Knuckles!”

He didn't set out to do it, but he did aid this process. There are no moments anymore. Nobody is truly anywhere that they actually are. Not in North America, anyway.

"That was funny! I have to take a picture of it, tweet it to people, and let them know!"

"Why can't you just enjoy it here and now?"

"Ugh, God. What are you? From 2004? I'm texting someone right now to let them know you're an idiot."

 

Steve Jobs also gave us no time to even enjoy the products that he put out. When something came out, people would run out and buy it – and on the receipt for what they had bought, there would be an ad for the newest version coming out.

"Thanks so much! I can't wait to use this! Wait, what's this on my receipt?"

"Oh, that's an ad for the newer version of what have just bought! Comes out tomorrow! Yours will be useless!

"But... I just bought it. It just came out."

"It did... a full month ago. It's old school now! You can tell people you’re old school."

"Sir, your school is so old, Dee Snider is in grade two there."

Do people always cry when someone who makes a popular device dies? Did people cry when Philo Farsworth – who invented the TV – died? I bet not. Anyone cry in their powdered wig when Thomas Edison died?

"Hey! Have you heard that Thomas Edison died?"

"The man who made it possible for me to see you in my house at night without lighting a candle or an oil lamp?"

"Yes! That one!"

"Hmmm. Damn shame. Can you turn that light off when you leave? My power bill is going to be as big as the buckles on my shoes."

Steve Jobs was Chief Executive of Pixar Animation Studios. He was also a member of the board of directors for Walt Disney, a philanthropist, and he was raised by a single mother. All of this is great to me, and Steve Jobs has obviously done some amazing things. I just don't think anyone should be worshipped this way. We all already worship the devices he put in our hands.

Coca Cola/Soda Pop. Open Happiness?

Coca Cola is something we all have had. Since we were kids, it's been something we have wanted to drink, something that has been shown to us on TV, and something we have craved for reasons we don't even know. We've all had it as kids, unless you had parents who didn't have it around at all.

"Kevin! Get that out of the house! Now eat this eggplant and drink this tomato juice."

"But mom! The other kids are all drinking Coke!"

"There are no other kids, Kevin! We live in the woods and I homeschool you!"

The reason I am only really talking about Coca Cola is because they are the biggest company. Even when Pepsi does advertise, their entire campaign is always just, "We taste better than Coke." I mean all pop/soda in general, but Coca Cola has to be one of the worst things that this planet has ever seen as far as human health goes.

Coca Cola’s slogan does not represent that, though. What do they go with? What is the beautiful marketing campaign that they decide to throw on the world? 

"Open Happiness."

Happiness. Open happiness! The gall! The arrogance! How are best friends, anti-depression pills and therapists still in existence when happiness is just a plastic bottle away?

"Ya know, I just can't seem to not be depressed. I was fired from my job because I was spending too much time with my wife. Then, my wife left me for my job. No joke. She is now sleeping with my copy-editing job. You believe that? I'm just so sad."

"Unhappy, huh? Well, open this Coca Cola. You will literally be opening happiness."

"Oh, wow! I feel great! Joy is surging through me! This is amazing! Is this as expensive as you are?"

"God, no, actually waaaaaay cheaper. I am two hundred an hour. The Coca Cola is one dollar."

"One dollar! Holy hell! You're fired! Thanks, 'wife-left-me-for-my-job' forgetting-liquid!"

"...I have to stop telling people about Coke BEFORE I get paid. Oh well, I'll just have a sip... yep, I'm back! Happiness right here!"

You ever see someone pushing a cart full of two liter Cokes? How happy does that guy look? Sweating and panting through an air-conditioned grocery store pushing something that's on wheels. Look how happy he is! He should be in the commercials!

"Ah, I am the happiest person <inhales puffer> on the planet. I have twelve bottles of… <takes insulin needle> Agh! Twelve bottle of Coca Cola, and I couldn't be happier. You should all buy... " <Collapses on the floor. Doctors run in.>

"He's not breathing!"

"Get me a defibrillator!"

"Clear!"

<Doctors put the defibrillator to his chest. Man is jarred awake.>

"...Agh! Should all buy Coke! I know I'll keep doing it! Open Hap..." <Man passes back out.>

"That's it, we've lost him."

Voice Over: "Open Happiness!"

Coke knows, though, that that guy won't sell product, so what do they do? Beautiful women are shown drinking Coke. Cute kids are shown drinking Coke. Or – even better than that – polar bears! That is an ingenious way of marketing.

"Wait, we can't show HUMANS drinking this. Are you serious? It's terrible!"

"All right, all right. What about an animal drinking it!? People love animals! What about... polar bears?"

"Are you insane? Polar bears are going extinct! We can't give them carbonation. That'll be it for them!"

"Oh, you're right. People will never buy our product if we're killing polar bears with it. Wait! I got it! How about computer-generated polar bears?"

"...Wow. Now THAT'S why you were voted Most Evil at the Annual Billionaire Awards."

"That and kicking baby seals... hahhaha!"

"HAHAHHAH!"

Coke Cola is a 'Proud Sponsor of the Olympics'. The Olympics! Ahead of broccoli and water? Coke! A commercial will show a guy just crush a hundred meter dash, beating his previous record, then drink Coke. As soon as that commercial is done, you know his trainer is screaming.

"Spit that garbage out! Are you crazy!? We have a real race tomorrow!"

A baseball league full of ten year olds can run on Coke. An Olympic athlete? Not one trainer would have that as part of a regimen.

"What are we doing today, coach?"

"Couple of laps, few sit ups, and polish off that two liter."

"Umm... you know we're competing against pros, not Joes, right?"

"Do you know that I'M the trainer? DRINK THAT HAPPY COKE!"

Coca Cola also likes to go on about how refreshing it is. There is no way someone can tell me that Coca Cola is 'refreshing'. Refreshing? No way. Has anyone ever finished a marathon and reached for a Coke?

"Oh, God. I never thought that race would be over. My mouth is so dry. Where is one of the most sugary, carbonated beverages in the land to help quell this thirst?"

"Really?"

"Yeah. I said 'my mouth is dry'. I need refreshment. REFRESHMENT. What would you suggest if not a black liquid for such a predicament?"

"...Water? Or even Coke’s cousin..."

"THERE'S NO SUGAR IN WATER! REFRESHMENT!"

Coca Cola is cheaper than drugs and just about as addictive. The government decided that cigarettes were no good for adults or children for that reason. Way too addictive and easily obtained by people. What did they do? Put them behind a cabinet.

"If people can't see them, they won't want them!"

"Hey, can I have some cigarettes? I can't see them, but I'm addicted and therefore know they exist."

Coca Cola should be in a cabinet, too. It'll kill people! If we can't sell cigarettes to people without ID for fear it would hurt their health, we should have to check people’s medical history before they can buy Coke.

"What's behind that cabinet, sir?"

"Coke... if you want one, I'm gonna have to see your medical history."

"Here you go. <cough cough>"

"Says here you constantly have headaches and have trouble walking. Come on, buddy. Don't worry about what's back there. Can't help you."

I will never let my kids drink Coca Cola. When I have a kid one day, if I see them drinking one, I will boot the Coke out of their hand.

"Oww. Dad! Why did you do that?"

"You'll thank me when you can still breathe correctly at forty-two."

Coke profits by hurting and capitalizing on poor people. Do you think the people in charge of Coke are drinking Coke? Do you think rich people are drinking Coke? 
"Can you pick me up a Coke when you're in the Louis Vuitton store?"

"A Louis Vuitton Coke?"

"They have those!?"

"Oh, I hope so! I just got myself excited!"

I know that people will say, "If you don't like it, don't drink it." I don't, but that's not the point. People will also say, "Well, of course it's bad for us. If you drink a lot and get sick, that's your problem. Stop drinking it!" Why has Coke and things that are bad for us been able to make people who have no stake in the company defend them? Why always, "Stop drinking it, tubby!" Why aren’t there more arguments of, "Coke’s the problem. Let's burn the factory down! There is nothing good about it!" I can't be mad that poor, unhappy people buy a product that is marketed directly to them and sold at a price that is lower than dirt. I can however be mad at the company that makes it. 

Twitter- @nathanmacintosh

Points and point cards.

Collecting points has become a staple in how we live our lives. Cashiers everywhere will ask you if you have your points card.

"Do you have your card? Don't forget your points. You could have earned points for that! I'LL HOLD ONTO THEM FOR YOU!"

People lose their minds over these points as well. People get excited about their points even if they don't have any actual money.

"I have three hundred thousand points on my Slurpee card! I can finally get a free Big Gulp!"

"That's pretty cool."

"Yeah! Umm, do you mind driving me there? I don't have any money on my money points card."

"Wouldn't 'money points' just be money? And wouldn't a 'money points card' be a debit card?"

"I don't have time for this. Free Slurpee awaits!"

Just about every thing and everywhere has a point system now. Coffee shops, airlines, pharmacies, clothing stores, gas stations, book stores, credit cards. Everything! You can even get points from immigration! I bet soon there will be a hospital point system card.

"Okay, great! One more head injury and you'll have enough points for a free back operation! You almost have enough points to get a sex change, as well. Someone thinking of seeing what the other side is like?"

"Umm...I don't think so. When can I have these stitches taken out?"

"Well, right now if you want to cash in some points."

"Right now? Is that a good idea? You just put them in."

"In, out. Good medical advice, bad stitch taking out procedures, they're your points!"

You would think too that the points would somewhat correlate with money. That the amount of points you need to buy anything would be close to the amount of money needed. But is that the case? Nope. They have absolutely nothing to do with each other. The amount of points you have to have before you can get anything of interest is ridiculous.

"I have thirty six hundred points! What can I get for these?"

"Well, you can have this box of toothpicks and a stick of beef jerky. Or, you can use the whole thirty six thousand to get a bag of powered donuts!"

"Oh, sweet! How much will I be saving?"

"In real money? About two dollars and seventy cents."

"That's it? But,... I have thirty six THOUSAND points."

"I know! No need to count that useless amount of "money" change. You've got all those points!"

You know that these points are useless because you can't get anything for thirty of them. You can't get much for thirty cents, but it counts. You have thirty points? Doesn't matter. Thirty points in anything else matters. ONE point in a basketball game makes a big difference. ONE point in a hockey, baseball, football game matters. One point on a points card? That won't even get you a decent greeting from the person behind the counter.

"How many Q-Tips can I get with the twenty seven points I have?"

"What?"

"I have twenty seven points? I'm wondering about Q-tips."

"...those points won't even stop the door from hitting you on the way out."

"...will you?"

"Don't try to hit on me. It's pointless. Much like yourself."

All of these point systems need cards so you can use them. All plastic cards that are the exact same as debit cards and credit cards for some reason. Wallets are now just rammed with cards that mostly can't do anything.

"That will be ten dollars."

"Okay, I'll use debit. If I can find it. Nope, these are my butcher shop, tire rotation, lawn mowing, crown replacing, crutch fixing, and pant hemming point cards. That crutch fixing card is a life saver. Twelve hundred more points and I won't have to hobble everywhere. Either way, where the hell are my cards that have actual money?"

"I don't know sir, but you just earned fifty six points on your "holding up a line" card."

"Oh, really? Sweet! Let me find that card as well."

"Yeah... can you hurry up?"

Points are usually accumulated in games that are fun. You get points in card games. You get points in video games. And you get points for buying toilet paper? That's not a good time. Unless you had to shoot through a horde of zombies to buy it, you shouldn't get points for buying toothpaste.

"Hey, how many points did I just earn?"

"One hundred."

"One hundred? Didn't you see me hit both of those zombies over the head with a Swiffer? That's got to be worth at least a thousand a piece. That one almost bit my neck! I could have been a zombie!"

"Those were elderly people, and I have called the cops."

"Good! I'm glad. They'll be able to see I should have more points for this...wait, the real cops? Or the point cops?"

Points in other games don't cost money either. You just earn them. These companies will say, "earn points every time you shop." That makes it sound as if you will get points for shopping the best. As if you shop the fastest, you will get points.

"Whoa! All of your grocery shopping done in ten minutes? That's unbelievable! That deserves a thousand points!"

"I know! I did it by pushing over all the women and children in my way. One woman was holding her baby, and I said "Get out of the way of the Triscuits!" before shoving her into her own shopping cart. I tell you, it wasn't easy."

"Good for you! You really earned this thousand. That woman you pushed is going to be deducted five hundred for not keeping her balance. Now she'll know it's for real out here."

It just goes to show how much people want things for free. We will pay to have things for free. Pay! We will pay money to eventually get the things we are buying for free. You have to pay to get these points! That's not 'earning' points. That's "I bought these damn things". And now, all you have is money that doesn't exist to buy things that you were buying with money!

"Look, I can get a free trip to Florida! I have two million points!"

"How much did that cost to get?"

"Hmm. Probably twelve trips to Florida."

"Worth it?"

"...shut up."

The term "Hater".

The last few years have really given rise to the popularity of the term hater. Nobody likes haters, and nobody wants to be called a hater. People talk about 'haters' as if they are a group of horrible, twisted, freaky people who live in the woods and eat small animals.

"Oh, no! It's a hater! Shoot it with a silver bullet! SHOOT IT!"

"I can't! If you kill a hater, that's a form of hate, so you BECOME a hater! We have to love it!"

"Love it with the bullets!"

The term hater really makes me upset. One could say that I hate it.

Famous people love to say they have haters, but it's so big now, that everyone thinks they have haters. Not just entertainers and singers, every person on the planet! Look, if you hand out menus to people when they come into your restaurant, you don't have haters.

"Ugh, you see the way she looked at me when I told her the specials? Keep hating, hater. Keep hating."

Nobody wants to take you down, they just want you to put a smile on once in awhile. I used to work at a retail store, and I asked a guy I worked with one day what he was doing.

"Just trying to dodge the haters."

You're folding t-shirts! There is nobody hating on you. Nobody is hiding behind a rack of pants watching what you're doing.

"He calls that a crease? God, I hate this guy! Twitter will hear about this."

People who constantly say that they are being hated on sound delusional. It's the same as saying other non existent things are after you.

"These haters won't leave me alone."

"Oh, yeah. I hear you. I have a similar problem with these zombies. Zombies just won't get off my damn back!"

"Zombies? Zombies don't exist."

"Yes they do. They're right there!"

"Those aren't zombies. Those are haters! The person who gave me coffee. The guy over there in the corner. The person who pumped my gas! These people all hate me! They want to BE me!"

"I hear you! These zombies really want to BITE me! Get off me, zombie! Ya can't touch me, boy!"

Where the hell are all of these magical haters that people talk about? Every rapper, mediocre actor, loser fighter, dirt bag woman beater piece of garbage will call them out when they are interviewed.

"And to all the haters out there, thank you. You help me."

Where are these haters?! These people make it seem as if there is a group of people on an island, sending beams of hate.

"Gather round, hater-nation! We need to put our powers together and take out this person who came out with a sub-par song. Hater-cons-decepti-haters, roll out! To the hater-rade hater-ray!"

All the term hater does, is take away our ability to have opinions. You can't have an opinion anymore! You used to be able to say, "this is trash", and others would say, "I like it", "I agree", or the ever popular, "why?" You used to be able to tell someone,

"I don't like what you do."

And all they could do is say,

"well, I can't win em all."

Now? That's not how it is. You can't have an opinion on anything anymore without being called a hater.

"I don't like this."

"You're just a hater."

"...Well, don't you want to know why I don't like it?"

"You asking me if I want to hear from a hater? Answers no."

Because of this, hater has become the term that untalented people can use if someone tells them what they are doing is no good. It's a scapegoat people can use instead of getting better at anything.

"I really think you need to get better at playing the guitar."

"Oh yeah? You're just a hater!"

"Umm, okay. I don't 'hate' it. I just don't think it's good. For one, you're playing it like a piano."

"Oh, now you're hating on pianos? We got a hater here!"

I'm all for being positive. I'm all for people doing what they want to do, but I can't say that everything is good when I'm asked. I have seen good things! I can't say that Terminator 4 wasn't terrible. I have seen Terminator 1 and 2! And none of this, "it was alright" garbage. There's things to compare it too! Terminator 4 was so bad, it made Terminator 3 look like The Artist. 

"And the award for Best Picture goes to...Terminator 3!"

"I'd like to thank McG for making Terminator Salvation. If he hadn't, my Terminator would have been the worst. Thank you!"

Famous people who say they have haters seem to think that people don't like them because they are successful. If that was the case, people wouldn't like any successful people. Not everyone is going to like everyone. That is just a fact. Not everyone likes Ellen. Ellen! Or Will Smith! Nothing but positive energy, and some people don't like him. By and large though, these people are loved, and are HUGELY successful. People don't not like them because of their success, they don't like them for their face, their attitude, or any other number of reasons. Some people just don't like some people.

But certain people will say, "they are just hating because I'm successful." Nope. Not at all. Floyd Mayweather says this. He is a fantastic boxer, and amazing business man, but there are still plenty of reasons to 'hate' him. He hit his girlfriend, and will not fight a man who he clearly should fight. Also, called him out on twitter? Wow. That's what men do. You know the guy at a club who is screaming, "let's do it! Let's fight!" as he is walking away? Calling a man out on twitter is the virtual equivalent of that. But, he calls people haters, and it's the end of the discussion.

Same as Chris Brown. The ONLY reason that Chris Brown is popular again is because of hater culture. In the past this wouldn't be. The world turned on Milli Vanilli for lip synching. Lip synching! Punching a woman wouldn't have flown.

"No, we didn't do it! It was just lip-punching. Fake, like our singing."

"We know lip-punches when we see them. Get them!"

Today though, you can't say anything about Chris Brown without being called a hater.

"I do not like this guy."

"Stop hating on team breezy."

"I'm not hating, I just think he's trash."

"But he can dance and sing!"

"I understand that, but he beat and bit a woman."

"Yes, and then he danced to show us how upset he was. God, stop hating. Don't you feel for what he went through?"

Also, when people talk about "what he went through", I want to puke. He didn't go through anything! HE HIT HER! We get this, right? She went through something. For him to talk about what he "went through", or for anyone to say that, is a slap in the face of human decency. Do we ask other attackers what THEY went through?

"Man, raped a girl, huh? Must be a lot to go through."

"I know! Jesus. First, people think I'M terrible! You believe that? Me! Ol' Tim "only raped one girl"Andrews. The judge was mean to me. I had to go to jail. You know you don't get your own cell? Not to mention that fact that I had to hold a woman down and take her innocence. You know how hard that is? I hope no one has to go through what I went through."

I'm sure that soon you'll be able to use hater as a defence in court. It has already reached a level between regular people that is higher than facts. One day it'll reach that level in the justice system.

"Your honour, he stole my car. I went into the store, and when I came out, he was driving it away."

"Hmm. Do you have anything to say for yourself, defendant?"

"Do I have anything to say? For sure I do. This guy is a hater!

(shocked gasps from the courtroom)

"That's right! He is hating on me because I'm faster than him AND have the ability to hot wire a car. He should congratulate me for that, not hate."

"Good point. Congratulate, plaintiff! Your car went to a better man. You're a hater. Case dismissed!"

It's always people who are questionable with their actions or talents who say they have haters. I have never heard Jim Carrey talk about haters. Why? He has talent and is pure magic. Also please, call me a hater. I will say, "I don't hate anything. But I do have an opinion."

twitter-@nathanmacintosh

The Kobe Success Commercial

Commercials are a necessary evil, and are everywhere. Commercials have the ability to be funny and entertaining. The Old Spice and Dos Equis commercials are great. Some are condescending. The commercial for Eggies?

"Without them, you'll be up all night peeling eggs!"

No one has lost sleep because of eggs.

"Honey, come to bed."

"I would love to, but SOMEONE boiled a carton of eggs. If I'm in bed by Christmas, I'll be lucky. These damn shells are everywhere!"

Some commercials, however, are just so arrogant, that I'm surprised they are on T.V.

Kobe Bryant's 'Success at Success' commercial is just such a commercial. Nike has gone out of their way to make this pretentious bit of film. Kobe talking to a room full of successful people, telling them that yes, they are successful, but now, it's time to be successful at being successful. Who is this commercial for? The everyman? Doesn't feel that way. This feels as if it's only for billionaires. Feels as though this commercial was filmed at one of the secret concerts at Princes house where.

"Wow, we are all very successful! Come to think of it, while we are all here, let's talk about achieving Success AT Success. Prince? Is okay if the purple snakes leave the room while I address everyone? Their gold teeth, although not venomous as I know you went over, still hurt when they bite."

"...the snakes stay."

"Of course they do! I mean, makes sense. To be here, they have to be the most successful snakes. Slither, my reptilians counterparts. Slither!"

This commercial is the same as showing the world a private video of Tommy Hilfiger on an island only he knows about.

"Hey, guys! Why aren't you here? All you have to do is have more money than some African countries, talk to the Wizard of time and he'll personally fly you through the vortex that brings you here. It's that simple! Also, buying this watch will help."

"Whoa, I gotta get that watch. Look what it did for Tommy! If I get it, I can talk to the Wizard of time!"

It feels as if regular people weren't supposed to see it. As if it accidentally was beamed into our homes. It feels the same as that scene in the movie 'The Witches' when the mice sneak into the witch meeting. Bunch of women talking normally, then boom! They take their faces off and they are witches? Same thing. Those mice weren't supposed to see that! We are not meant to see this commercial. There is nothing here for regular people to relate to.

"Success at success? I work at a call center, Kobe! Yeah, sure. I'll try some success at success. Yesterday I was pretty successful at keeping my soul intact. Maybe today the vending machine will give me an extra Snickers bar by accident. That would be success at success. Not dying inside, two chocolate bars. Pretty decent day for me."

It would be a great commercial if it was just about success. If the commercial was just really successful people talking about success, it could be very inspiring. But no. It's a commercial for shoes. Shoes! Get all of these people in the same room, people with great ideas and great stories, and they hawk shoes to the world.

"Tony Robbins! What should I do to stay motivated? I'm broke, have two jobs I don't like, but am really trying to get a career in music started."

"Well, that's an easy one. Get a size ten and a half of Kobe Bryant's new basketball shoe."

"...but, I... don't play basketball."

"These are not just basketball shoes. They are success-ball-basket-inspire-achievement shoes of motivation! Since I've worn them, I've made two million more dollars."

"Wow, really?!"

"Of course! Nike pays me to put them on. I don't wear them for free!"

What do these shoes have to do with success? Kobe is the only one who can benefit from them! Is jumping higher going to help Tony Robbins motivate people better? Will Kanyes songs be more amazing if his ankles are protected?

"Yo, Kanye, that last song was alright, but I mean...it just sounded as if ANYONE could get to your ankles. Like, if the kid from 'Pet Cemetery' was in the studio, you'd be done."

"You're right! I couldn't figure it out, but now that I look down, I'm wearing slippers! Jesus. Toss me those Success at Success shoes and we'll do it again. Try to get at me now demon baby from the mind of Stephen King! TRY NOW!"

Also, if this is all about success, why is Richard Branson not the star of this commercial? I love Kobe, but he or no one in that room touches Richard Branson. NOBODY there is on the level of Richard Branson. He's trying to start a space program that would allow people to pay to go to space. His own space program! I love your three, Kobe, but it happens here on earth. One day, you might be able to shoot it on the moon, but it will be because of Richard Branson. No one else in that room has been knighted! He is Sir Richard Branson. Sir! Kobe can't tell Richard about success! Makes as much sense as Richard Branson telling Kobe about basketball.

“Kobe, what you need to do is drop your elbow just a bit before you release the shot.”

“Richard, this is what I do.”

“That's Sir Richard. Sir. Maybe you'd be knighted if you listened to a knight when he tells you how to shoot.”

“Have you ever played basket?”

“Oh, have I ever played basketball. Have you ever been the fourth richest person in the United Kingdom? Drop your elbow!”

In the commercial, Richard Branson says he's been to space. Kobe says he has as well. No you haven't! I get that Kobe saying he's been to space means he jumps high, but you can only say you've been to space because you jump high if you are talking to other basketball players and trying to brag. You can't tell a man whose been to space that you have been as well because you can jump!

"I've been to space."

"Ditto."

"...really? I saw a lot of things there. I can't say that I saw you."

"Well, I didn't go per say. I have dunked a basketball, though."

"Oh, I get it now. You were being cute. I made jokes like as well before I had been to space. But since I've been to space, I don't joke about it. I've been to space. Actual space. And unless there is something I'm missing, which I doubt because I have money and influence, you can't jump there."

“...I was just being facetious.”

“Of course you were! Wish I could say the same. It's hard to be facetious though when you have actually exited the earths atmosphere. Anyway, can I get back to telling you about space?”

Twitter @nathanmacintosh

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=CtIXGip_7O0

The Oscars

I never watch award shows. This year however, I was excited to see Eddie Murphy. When he bowed out, I decided not to watch, but Billy Crystal stepping in? That made total sense to me. Some people were really upset by how he did. For people to complain about Billy Crystal hosting is hilarious. 

"He's so old! Why can't they get someone younger?"

Whose better as a last minute stand in for a stuffy event such as the Oscars? The entire night is for an older crowd. At first they had Eddie Murphy, who backed out because his friend Brett Ratner took a bunch of heat for saying “rehearsal is for fags.” Now, if you are in the academy, and you took a chance on Eddie, who bails two months prior because of a friends gay slurs, are you really going to try again to look outside of safe?

“Wow, I can't believe he said that and Eddie backed out. Who should we get now?”

“Someone we can trust to not do anything insane. Andy Dick?”

“Already dialing!”

Billy Crystal fits perfectly for the night that they want! Show tunes, dance numbers, inoffensive. Who would be a better host for a show where the audience really doesn't want to be pushed, or believe that there is anything funny about the absolute seriousness of movie making? Soulja Boy?

"And the nominees for Best Actor are...Swag, for his role in Swag. Swag, for being swagful. Big swaggy for his swag hair. Brad Pitt for turning down money in Moneyball. Swag."

The Oscars really are not an awards show for movies. All movies? Absolutely not. If you want your movie to be nominated by the Academy, you better hope that no one calls it a comedy, action, or horror movie. A comedy movie will not win if it doesn't have some absolutely devastating scene in it. I think that's what 'Shawn of the Dead' was going for at the time. 

"A zombie movie has never been nominated for an Oscar."

"We'll change that! How about, the entire movie is a really fun time. It's funny, entertaining, tons of jokes. Then, the last ten minutes, I'll burst into tears and become super serious because I have to kill my zombie mother?"

"Woa, that's deep. Won't that take away from the comedy aspect of the movie though?"

"Screw the comedy aspect! OSCAR!"

There are some pretty concrete formulas for a movie to be nominated for Best Picture. If your movie is less than two and a half hours? Don't even think about it! Throw it right into the trash and try again. I think this is why Judd Apatow makes comedy movies that are longer than Amistad. Does 40 year old Virgin really have an over two hour story to tell?

"Hey, I'm a virgin who happens to be forty years old."

"Okay. We can straighten that out in an hour and a half."

"No. Maybe you didn't hear me. Forty years old. Virgin. At least two hours."

"Yes, yes. You are correct."

If your movie is not a biography on someone's life, you will also have a extremely tough time getting nominated. Movies about someone's life are Oscar gold!

"What is your movie about?"

"It's the real life story of a grocery store manager. This guy...wow. He came up with the idea for the Aisle signs! You know the signs in the aisle that say "Aisle one: Canned products" and so on? He changed the grocery store game! Before that, people just stumbled around for hours looking for beans."

"Hmm, interesting. Does he have a personal life that is crumbling?"

"Of course! See, his kids hate him because he spends more time in the grocery store than he does at home. Work crosses over to home. He places signs up in his house, "Hallway one: Bathroom, linen closet, bedroom". He loses his mind!"

"I smell a best picture nom!"

A movie that has a lot of shots of distant looks in the eyes of the actors will be nominated as well. If your movie trailer shows shots of each person in the movie staring off into what I can only assume is their own personal hell, and also has a title that makes tear up, you can start dusting off the space on your shelf for the Oscar. 

"This summer, a sad man (show man in a chair looking into the distance), a woman with cancer (women in hospital bed looking in the distance), a lost child (show kid standing in a field playing with a dandelion, with a distant look in his eyes), and a dog who thinks it's a cat (show a dog trying to use a litter box, can't figure it out, then looks straight ahead, with a distant look in his eyes). 

"I can't believe that my wife has cancer, my child doesn't know himself, and this dog thinks it's a cat. My eyes tell you that I feel empty and alone." 

This summer, "Things Aren't Always As They Dog Cancer. Only in theatres."

Apparently, good acting only ever means 'serious acting'. 

"Okay, your wife was caught cheating on you in your car that also just flew off a cliff, and the trunk happened to be full of all your belongings. And...action!"

“That seems like a weird turn of events...”

“Cry!”

People can be great actors in movies that are not serious. For instance, reaching back in time as it just came to me, Leslie Nielsen was a good actor in the Naked Gun movies. He's great! He wasn't even a comedy actor. He was a serious actor who acting in some comedies. Would he ever get nominated for those? Nope. Couldn't he have even been nominated for being in movies that were a complete side step for him? 

"You know, this serious actor seriously got me to believe that he was a comedy actor. Nominated!"

Maybe he could have been nominated if he had actually felt the pain that was inflicted on him in the movie.

"Okay, when this blowfish bites your hand because you reached into it's tank to retrieve a pen, scream in absolute agony. I'm feeling an Academy award scene."

I was shocked when The Dark Knight was not nominated for Best Picture in 2008. I never paid too much attention to the Oscars, but after that, never. There was really ten movies in 2008 that were better than The Dark night? Really?! No way. That movie was fantastic. It also followed some of the Oscar formulas. Over two hours? Check. A story of a personal journey? Check. A bio pic? No! No check. That's where it fell off. If a man really becomes Batman before this summer, maybe the next one will have a chance.

Also, are all of the awards necessary? Best sound editing? Best sound mixing? Best film editing? Best Kraft Service table attendant? These are all people that in the drop of a hat actors would scream at for little to nothing. They should have some other awards for these people.

"And now, the nominees for Best defusing sentence when an actress throws a tantrum about the sound mixing...Billy Halfpenny, for the sentence "Please stop screaming at me! I'm doing what I can!" Thomas Evans, for the sentence "Look, you're gorgeous and talented, okay? I just mix sound!" And last but not least, Douglas Trevino for the sentence, "Here's some Jimmy Choo shoes! Don't have me fired!"

The Oscars are sort of ridiculous anyway as apparently, movie companies will send gift baskets, watches and the like to the academy for votes. For votes! That can happen? 

"Please like my movie! Here are some oranges from Marrakech."

You can't even bribe a cop out of a fifty dollar ticket, but you can bribe a prestigious academy with watches that they probably just add to their morning shakes?

"Hmm, another Rolex. I've got tons of these, and can afford one whenever I would like. Let's see how it tastes in this protein shake...hmm, timely. Oh, man. I am a pun master. I will tell my maid the funny I have created, and if she doesn't like it, fire her in front of my children.”