Steve Jobs.

When Steve Jobs died, I thought, "Oh, that's interesting. I had no idea that was coming." Then I watched TV coverage and saw that people were crying and putting up shrines. Shrines! I then thought, "Did I miss the great music that Steve had put out? Are there some really heartfelt songs sung by him that I should have heard?"

"Oh my God! I can't believe he's gone! I loved his song "Charge It Up". Miss you, Steve!"

But no. No songs.

Steve Jobs died and everyone freaked out.

"He's gone?! But I haven't MET him yet!"

When he died, everyone talked about him and his face was everywhere.

"Did you hear about Steve Jobs?"

"You mean that guy? The man whose picture is fifty feet tall and everywhere?"

"Yeah! Have you heard?"

Before that? I never heard anyone talk about him. Before he died, I was never in a situation where somebody talked about how great Steve Jobs was.

"Do you understand how unbelievable Steve Jobs is?"

"Who? The Mac guy?"

"The Mac guy? Do you have any respect at all?! He designed the Mac!"

"...Yeah, I know. That's why I said the Mac g..."

"He DESIGNED the MAC! God, what's wrong with you? Can you at least turn up my Steve Jobs machine so I can hear my music from Steve JobsTunes?"

 

Watching the news coverage, you would have thought another war was breaking out.

"Why are these guys crying in front of the Apple store?"

"I don't know. But I can only assume that it's because Apple has declared war on Windows. There will be a lot of genius casualties in this one."

I couldn't believe that people put shrines out infront of Apple stores. Shrines? For a man who designed a device? That seems far. People wouldn't even put up shrines for their own parents. Your own mom would barely get a good eulogy, but you have to take those flowers down to the Apple store and put them outside.

"Oh, Steve. You were great. Thank you for allowing me to not carry CDs anymore. I can now listen to Ginuwine’s entire catalogue with comfort and ease."

"Those flowers say: "God Bless You, Mom".

"Umm, yeah, well, I'm sure God will get the message either way. These are for Steve now!"

 

People put shrines out infront of stores that he didn't even work at! He wasn't a cashier at these places.

"Excuse me, Genius? What was Steve like? Did you work with him yesterday?"

"I have actually never met the man."

"Oh, you guys worked different hours, huh? I see."

 

If someone ever cures cancer, that guy won't get shrines the way that Steve Jobs did. That man wouldn't get this kind of respect.

"Ladies and gentleman, I would like to let you know that I have found a cure for cancer! Your families, loved ones, and future generations will not have to worry about this horrible disease anymore!"

"Whatever, man! Did you help Steve Jobs?"

"..Um, yes. He is no..."

"Shut up! Where is Steve?! We want to hear from Steve!"

"He, um, he's still recovering from the..."

"Steve! Steve! Steve! Steve! He's more important than you! All you did was make it possible for my mom to live longer. Steve made it possible for me to take a picture of her and turn it into a cartoon! Steve! Steve! Steve!"

 

There were a lot of pictures shown of Steve Jobs at the time, most of them pretty similar. A lot of him looking at a camera, while wearing his trademark black turtleneck and white shoes, with a look on his face that almost said,

"Yes. This is what the leader looks like. Don't I kinda look like Jeff Goldblum without hair?"

It's funny that if you design technology, you can wear the same thing all the time. The world lets you get away with it.

"Hasn't he been wearing those sandals and overalls for two straight weeks?"

"Yeah, but he is building a rocket out of pop cans."

"Ooohhh. He's a genius. Good for him."

No one else can get away with wearing the same thing all the time. If you read about a murderer who always wore the same thing – that would totally make sense to you.

"Yeah, he ALWAYS had on white shoes and a black turtleneck. I can completely believe that there are seventy-five women stacked in this closet. I mean, he had the room in there. There are no clothes! Right?! Haha... too soon?"

 

Also, there were way too many young people in front of these stores crying. Look, if you didn't have to deal with dial-up, you have no business crying about Steve Jobs. People who heard dial-up should be crying that a man who helped take us far away from that terrible noise is no longer with us.

"I can't believe he's gone... I can still hear my son booting up his computer to slowly search porn sites that don't actually give you any movies for free. BAAAAHHHHH, BEDO, BEDO, BEDO! Just terrible. It went off even when the sound wasn't on your computer! What the hell was wrong with that demon sound!"

 

People crying I don't understand. You paid tons of money for these products. He was handsomely rewarded for his work. HANDSOMELY. To work five months to save up for something you really don't need, then cry when the man who designed it dies? I could see maybe if you stole it.

"I left the store with an iPad in my jeans by accident! When I went home, used it for three weeks, found out that I loved it and should pay for it, I came back with the money and you were dead! Not fair, world! Someone put this money in his grave! PUT IT IN HIS GRAVE!"

 

Can we be honest here? Steve Jobs really created a reality where no one can now have empty hands. People just can't do it! Have to be holding something. If it's not the iPhone, it's the iPad. Not the iPad? How about an iPod? If it's none of these, it's a charger in both hands – running around trying to find these things.

"Come on iEverything, where are you?! I can't go outside without music, I can't even open the door without checking the weather on my iPhone, and how the hell can I sit on the train without playing a game on my iPad?! My hands are starting to rela... No! No!"

  

Steve Jobs helped create annoying things and take people out of the moment. He didn't set out to do that, obviously. That would be Dr. Robotnik evil.

“I will create a device that makes it so people never truly enjoy a moment again! Haha! Then, I will destroy Sonic and his friend Knuckles!”

He didn't set out to do it, but he did aid this process. There are no moments anymore. Nobody is truly anywhere that they actually are. Not in North America, anyway.

"That was funny! I have to take a picture of it, tweet it to people, and let them know!"

"Why can't you just enjoy it here and now?"

"Ugh, God. What are you? From 2004? I'm texting someone right now to let them know you're an idiot."

 

Steve Jobs also gave us no time to even enjoy the products that he put out. When something came out, people would run out and buy it – and on the receipt for what they had bought, there would be an ad for the newest version coming out.

"Thanks so much! I can't wait to use this! Wait, what's this on my receipt?"

"Oh, that's an ad for the newer version of what have just bought! Comes out tomorrow! Yours will be useless!

"But... I just bought it. It just came out."

"It did... a full month ago. It's old school now! You can tell people you’re old school."

"Sir, your school is so old, Dee Snider is in grade two there."

Do people always cry when someone who makes a popular device dies? Did people cry when Philo Farsworth – who invented the TV – died? I bet not. Anyone cry in their powdered wig when Thomas Edison died?

"Hey! Have you heard that Thomas Edison died?"

"The man who made it possible for me to see you in my house at night without lighting a candle or an oil lamp?"

"Yes! That one!"

"Hmmm. Damn shame. Can you turn that light off when you leave? My power bill is going to be as big as the buckles on my shoes."

Steve Jobs was Chief Executive of Pixar Animation Studios. He was also a member of the board of directors for Walt Disney, a philanthropist, and he was raised by a single mother. All of this is great to me, and Steve Jobs has obviously done some amazing things. I just don't think anyone should be worshipped this way. We all already worship the devices he put in our hands.