Celebrities punching cameramen.

Alec Baldwin punched a cameraman in the face. Personally – I think that's great. I don't believe enough people get punched anymore. More people need to be checked. When LeBron did the hour long Decision, Michael Jordan should have been right there to smash him in the mouth.

"Are you serious? I played with the flu like a boss and you take an entire hour to say one sentence? Obama doesn't get that much airtime! They cut him off at half an hour!"

When Floyd Mayweather asked to get out of jail early (after beating his girlfriend infront of his kids) because the water in prison was bad and he couldn’t work out in there as well as he did on the outside? Should be hit in the back of the head with a barstool.

"Are you insane? You beat a woman infront of her kids and went to jail! You think it would be the Best Western?! Man, I should hit you again for fighting your girlfriend before Pacquiao."

The person who invented the self-checkout should be struck with a bamboo stick.

"Are you crazy? You thought it would be better to talk to a robot over a person who hates their life? They can be chatted up – this machine is a machine! And if you're bringing in self-checkouts then have the decency to get the real people out of here! They have to watch robots slowly take their job?!"

For some reason, though, when a celebrity attacks an "innocent, minding his own business" photographer, the world attacks the celebrity.

Whenever I hear these stories, I think they are great. When Russell Crowe hit that guy with a phone, when Sean Penn shot at helicopters, when Björk grabbed that woman’s hair. To me, that one just makes sense. Björk came off an insanely long flight. Just landed! You ever have a long flight? Something over twelve hours? You feel your normal, chipper self when you landed? You feel that you could have a conversation with the world when you leave the terminal? No! You want to punch the person next to you who's also waiting for their bag.

"If this guy doesn't stop chewing his gum so loud, I swear to God I'm gonna smash his head off of his iPad. Shut it down, chew-loud!"

People get so upset with celebrities when they attack someone.

"That cameraman was just doing his job! His insanely annoying and useless job. It's not his fault he has to be directly in your eye every time he snaps a photo. Leave him alone!"

I honestly don't understand why people try to defend these cameramen. Why! Why defend people who instigate fights and anger? Did people defend the bitchy girls in high school who would pick on people, and then when those people snapped, would run to a teacher with a sob story?

"I don't know what happened to her. We were just talking to her about how she could change her hair, you know? So that it could look as good as mine? And she snapped and threw a book at me. I guess I'm a bad person for telling her that her roots were showing every day for a month. I was just trying to help."

Why do people run to their side? Why does anyone stick up for these cameraman? If a friend of yours told you they wanted to be a celebrity photographer, what would your first thought be?

"Oh, wow! That is a very noble job full of talent and necessity. On par with a doctor. Good for you!"

No, you would think they were a complete piece of garbage. The only way it would be respectable is if you completely fell into it after failing at everything else.

"You know, I tried just about everything. I was fired from every call center I worked at, I don't have the upper body strength to dig ditches, and I don't have the heart to rob people. I guess it's pick up a camera, follow around famous people and document their entire lives."

Also, is there anyway that people can tone down on their love of celebrities a bit? Honestly, who cares what these people are doing? Not in a rude way, but man, who cares? Why worry about them getting married, where they are seen, what they're wearing or what they're driving. What the hell are YOU doing? Have you achieved everything that you wanted to do with your life that you can now just sit and watch everyone else?

"It only took me forty-five years, but I finally have studied everything on the planet and have become a master at it all. I can speak every language, I have graduated with the highest degree in every form of education... and what the hell will I do now? There's nothing left! Only thing left to do is watch what others are up to. That's what I'll do! Oh! Look at this! This famous person is wearing something that I wouldn't wear. What an idiot!"

I love when people talk about what celebrities are wearing. The people who only judge and talk about what celebrities are wearing? Man. There's no amount of jail time that is enough for this offense.

"Look at what this person is wearing! I wouldn't wear it because I'm boring, have nothing relevant to say, and wouldn't step out of the tiny box I know as 'life' in fear that someone like me would judge me the way I judge others."

Alec Baldwin saying that paparazzi should be waterboarded is great. That is a great sentence. People think that's rough, though. Why? Because you can't say something like that to people who are not on TV. You can't do that! He's never been in a show. All he does is take pictures; he doesn't deserve to be waterboarded! Watch a show come out, though, that is "Celebrity Waterboarding". Some of the highest ratings of all time.

"Oh, man! Did you see last night's episode where Joshua Jackson said he was behind 9/11 after being waterboarded for an hour? Oh, man. What a loser! Go out and do The Skulls 4, you piece of trash!"

Plus, admit it – people want to see these people freak out. It's only fun for a while to have Alec Baldwin or other celebrities be nice. The world wants to see exactly what happened. But then instead of saying, "Thank you for giving us what we pushed you to do!" – we call these people crazy. Crazy! The balls on us! The gall! That guy is crazy because I pushed him to be that way. What a nut.

How do people actually get upset at celebrities and ask, "How can they get so mad?" We all get mad at random people all day, for even dumber things.

"God, that guy got on the bus before me when CLEARLY I was ahead of him. I hope the bus explodes under him only and he is blown up. What a loser!"

We get mad at people all day and they aren't following us around taking pictures of us! What if they were? What if when you bought chips, or tripped, or held your kid there was someone taking pictures of all of it? The way that everyone goes on, no one would deal with it.

"Hey! Why are you following me onto the subway?! You want to do this? You want to go!"

"God, what's wrong with that guy? I'm just in his face and business all day taking pictures of it all for money. That guy is insane!"

You can tell they want to push celebrities because they'll call it "When Celebrities Attack!" They treat him like an animal! Push him to the brink, and then when he attacks, talk about it like a grizzly that got loose.

"He just kept coming at me! And I was saying, "What are you doing? Stop attacking me! Stop!" And he wouldn't listen. You can see right here, where I am pointing on my face and there is no mark what so ever, that this is where he hit me. And you can talk to the doctor who said, "Why are you wasting my time with this? You are not injured at all", and he'll tell you that I was brutally beaten and deserve compensation."

It's amazing that the world will push people to their breaking point, and then when they do, we act like they are insane. People who think that celebrities who get angry are out of line, would be the same people who think a lion is insane when a attacks a tourist from Florida who puts a camera in his mouth.

"God, all I did put my Hawaiian shirt on his back and he snapped and ate my kid! That lion needs to be put down! Burn down the entire jungle he lives in! That Emu, too. I try to get his footprint in my papier-mâché and he bites my face? What the hell is his problem! Blow him away!"

We can all pretty much agree that if you are run by celebrity gossip you are probably a piece of garbage, right? If you read People Magazine and talk about it, or if you check out Perez Hilton's website and look at these people as if they are doing something good – the rest of the world hopes you never are put in charge of anything.

"Who did I vote for? The guy who knows every issue of US Weekly cover to cover, that's who. Who are you voting for? Oh, because he reads books? Lame! He probably doesn't even know the terrible dress that Kim Kardashian wore to the gym three weeks ago. Complete loser."

Also, Alec Baldwin is amazing. Anyone who is going to judge him, based on this or any other mistakes he has made, is wrong. He is a human being. A hilarious human being. Not to say that he has the right to attack people or anything like that, but man, everyone who is pushed only has so long before they will push back. And we don't see all of it. We only see "the freak out". We don't see the months and months of him dealing with photographers, keeping his calm in many situations before one day just losing it. We only see, "He's lost it! He's an animal!" 

No, he's a human.

What's amazing to me as well is that North America right now is on a huge 'Stop Bullying' campaign.

"Don't say anything to that kid! Nothing at all! Lock this school down! LOCK IT!"

If the story had been that a kid was following another kid around taking pictures of him all day and the other kid snapped, the world would be on his side.

"Yeah! Punch that kid! We will not tolerate bullying!"

When it's a celebrity? Screw 'em.

Kids can't bully kids. Not unless that kid was on TV, then it's okay.

"Did you see what Jordan brought for lunch today, teacher?"

"Yes, I read about it in todays People. Just a shame. Tuna sandwich. Isn't he making twenty thousand an episode? Looks like someone has a gambling problem."

Adults and kids are allowed to bully celebrities. Daily! It’s hard to tell a kid not to bully another kid when one day he can get paid for it.

I'd love to see if turned around. See how cameramen would deal with it. Celebrities should follow cameramen into their hotels, while they're out on dates, at the zoo with their kids, or getting married, and take pictures of them. I wonder how long it would take before they snap.

"How do you like it, huh? You like having your picture taken every time you make a move? Oh, what's that? You're buying broccoli? What are you, a loser?! How do you like it!"

"...Um, actually I love it. I take pictures of you because I'm jealous that I can never be you."

"...Oh... well... we still hate it! Stop doing it!"

Steve Jobs.

When Steve Jobs died, I thought, "Oh, that's interesting. I had no idea that was coming." Then I watched TV coverage and saw that people were crying and putting up shrines. Shrines! I then thought, "Did I miss the great music that Steve had put out? Are there some really heartfelt songs sung by him that I should have heard?"

"Oh my God! I can't believe he's gone! I loved his song "Charge It Up". Miss you, Steve!"

But no. No songs.

Steve Jobs died and everyone freaked out.

"He's gone?! But I haven't MET him yet!"

When he died, everyone talked about him and his face was everywhere.

"Did you hear about Steve Jobs?"

"You mean that guy? The man whose picture is fifty feet tall and everywhere?"

"Yeah! Have you heard?"

Before that? I never heard anyone talk about him. Before he died, I was never in a situation where somebody talked about how great Steve Jobs was.

"Do you understand how unbelievable Steve Jobs is?"

"Who? The Mac guy?"

"The Mac guy? Do you have any respect at all?! He designed the Mac!"

"...Yeah, I know. That's why I said the Mac g..."

"He DESIGNED the MAC! God, what's wrong with you? Can you at least turn up my Steve Jobs machine so I can hear my music from Steve JobsTunes?"

 

Watching the news coverage, you would have thought another war was breaking out.

"Why are these guys crying in front of the Apple store?"

"I don't know. But I can only assume that it's because Apple has declared war on Windows. There will be a lot of genius casualties in this one."

I couldn't believe that people put shrines out infront of Apple stores. Shrines? For a man who designed a device? That seems far. People wouldn't even put up shrines for their own parents. Your own mom would barely get a good eulogy, but you have to take those flowers down to the Apple store and put them outside.

"Oh, Steve. You were great. Thank you for allowing me to not carry CDs anymore. I can now listen to Ginuwine’s entire catalogue with comfort and ease."

"Those flowers say: "God Bless You, Mom".

"Umm, yeah, well, I'm sure God will get the message either way. These are for Steve now!"

 

People put shrines out infront of stores that he didn't even work at! He wasn't a cashier at these places.

"Excuse me, Genius? What was Steve like? Did you work with him yesterday?"

"I have actually never met the man."

"Oh, you guys worked different hours, huh? I see."

 

If someone ever cures cancer, that guy won't get shrines the way that Steve Jobs did. That man wouldn't get this kind of respect.

"Ladies and gentleman, I would like to let you know that I have found a cure for cancer! Your families, loved ones, and future generations will not have to worry about this horrible disease anymore!"

"Whatever, man! Did you help Steve Jobs?"

"..Um, yes. He is no..."

"Shut up! Where is Steve?! We want to hear from Steve!"

"He, um, he's still recovering from the..."

"Steve! Steve! Steve! Steve! He's more important than you! All you did was make it possible for my mom to live longer. Steve made it possible for me to take a picture of her and turn it into a cartoon! Steve! Steve! Steve!"

 

There were a lot of pictures shown of Steve Jobs at the time, most of them pretty similar. A lot of him looking at a camera, while wearing his trademark black turtleneck and white shoes, with a look on his face that almost said,

"Yes. This is what the leader looks like. Don't I kinda look like Jeff Goldblum without hair?"

It's funny that if you design technology, you can wear the same thing all the time. The world lets you get away with it.

"Hasn't he been wearing those sandals and overalls for two straight weeks?"

"Yeah, but he is building a rocket out of pop cans."

"Ooohhh. He's a genius. Good for him."

No one else can get away with wearing the same thing all the time. If you read about a murderer who always wore the same thing – that would totally make sense to you.

"Yeah, he ALWAYS had on white shoes and a black turtleneck. I can completely believe that there are seventy-five women stacked in this closet. I mean, he had the room in there. There are no clothes! Right?! Haha... too soon?"

 

Also, there were way too many young people in front of these stores crying. Look, if you didn't have to deal with dial-up, you have no business crying about Steve Jobs. People who heard dial-up should be crying that a man who helped take us far away from that terrible noise is no longer with us.

"I can't believe he's gone... I can still hear my son booting up his computer to slowly search porn sites that don't actually give you any movies for free. BAAAAHHHHH, BEDO, BEDO, BEDO! Just terrible. It went off even when the sound wasn't on your computer! What the hell was wrong with that demon sound!"

 

People crying I don't understand. You paid tons of money for these products. He was handsomely rewarded for his work. HANDSOMELY. To work five months to save up for something you really don't need, then cry when the man who designed it dies? I could see maybe if you stole it.

"I left the store with an iPad in my jeans by accident! When I went home, used it for three weeks, found out that I loved it and should pay for it, I came back with the money and you were dead! Not fair, world! Someone put this money in his grave! PUT IT IN HIS GRAVE!"

 

Can we be honest here? Steve Jobs really created a reality where no one can now have empty hands. People just can't do it! Have to be holding something. If it's not the iPhone, it's the iPad. Not the iPad? How about an iPod? If it's none of these, it's a charger in both hands – running around trying to find these things.

"Come on iEverything, where are you?! I can't go outside without music, I can't even open the door without checking the weather on my iPhone, and how the hell can I sit on the train without playing a game on my iPad?! My hands are starting to rela... No! No!"

  

Steve Jobs helped create annoying things and take people out of the moment. He didn't set out to do that, obviously. That would be Dr. Robotnik evil.

“I will create a device that makes it so people never truly enjoy a moment again! Haha! Then, I will destroy Sonic and his friend Knuckles!”

He didn't set out to do it, but he did aid this process. There are no moments anymore. Nobody is truly anywhere that they actually are. Not in North America, anyway.

"That was funny! I have to take a picture of it, tweet it to people, and let them know!"

"Why can't you just enjoy it here and now?"

"Ugh, God. What are you? From 2004? I'm texting someone right now to let them know you're an idiot."

 

Steve Jobs also gave us no time to even enjoy the products that he put out. When something came out, people would run out and buy it – and on the receipt for what they had bought, there would be an ad for the newest version coming out.

"Thanks so much! I can't wait to use this! Wait, what's this on my receipt?"

"Oh, that's an ad for the newer version of what have just bought! Comes out tomorrow! Yours will be useless!

"But... I just bought it. It just came out."

"It did... a full month ago. It's old school now! You can tell people you’re old school."

"Sir, your school is so old, Dee Snider is in grade two there."

Do people always cry when someone who makes a popular device dies? Did people cry when Philo Farsworth – who invented the TV – died? I bet not. Anyone cry in their powdered wig when Thomas Edison died?

"Hey! Have you heard that Thomas Edison died?"

"The man who made it possible for me to see you in my house at night without lighting a candle or an oil lamp?"

"Yes! That one!"

"Hmmm. Damn shame. Can you turn that light off when you leave? My power bill is going to be as big as the buckles on my shoes."

Steve Jobs was Chief Executive of Pixar Animation Studios. He was also a member of the board of directors for Walt Disney, a philanthropist, and he was raised by a single mother. All of this is great to me, and Steve Jobs has obviously done some amazing things. I just don't think anyone should be worshipped this way. We all already worship the devices he put in our hands.