The Kobe Success Commercial

Commercials are a necessary evil, and are everywhere. Commercials have the ability to be funny and entertaining. The Old Spice and Dos Equis commercials are great. Some are condescending. The commercial for Eggies?

"Without them, you'll be up all night peeling eggs!"

No one has lost sleep because of eggs.

"Honey, come to bed."

"I would love to, but SOMEONE boiled a carton of eggs. If I'm in bed by Christmas, I'll be lucky. These damn shells are everywhere!"

Some commercials, however, are just so arrogant, that I'm surprised they are on T.V.

Kobe Bryant's 'Success at Success' commercial is just such a commercial. Nike has gone out of their way to make this pretentious bit of film. Kobe talking to a room full of successful people, telling them that yes, they are successful, but now, it's time to be successful at being successful. Who is this commercial for? The everyman? Doesn't feel that way. This feels as if it's only for billionaires. Feels as though this commercial was filmed at one of the secret concerts at Princes house where.

"Wow, we are all very successful! Come to think of it, while we are all here, let's talk about achieving Success AT Success. Prince? Is okay if the purple snakes leave the room while I address everyone? Their gold teeth, although not venomous as I know you went over, still hurt when they bite."

"...the snakes stay."

"Of course they do! I mean, makes sense. To be here, they have to be the most successful snakes. Slither, my reptilians counterparts. Slither!"

This commercial is the same as showing the world a private video of Tommy Hilfiger on an island only he knows about.

"Hey, guys! Why aren't you here? All you have to do is have more money than some African countries, talk to the Wizard of time and he'll personally fly you through the vortex that brings you here. It's that simple! Also, buying this watch will help."

"Whoa, I gotta get that watch. Look what it did for Tommy! If I get it, I can talk to the Wizard of time!"

It feels as if regular people weren't supposed to see it. As if it accidentally was beamed into our homes. It feels the same as that scene in the movie 'The Witches' when the mice sneak into the witch meeting. Bunch of women talking normally, then boom! They take their faces off and they are witches? Same thing. Those mice weren't supposed to see that! We are not meant to see this commercial. There is nothing here for regular people to relate to.

"Success at success? I work at a call center, Kobe! Yeah, sure. I'll try some success at success. Yesterday I was pretty successful at keeping my soul intact. Maybe today the vending machine will give me an extra Snickers bar by accident. That would be success at success. Not dying inside, two chocolate bars. Pretty decent day for me."

It would be a great commercial if it was just about success. If the commercial was just really successful people talking about success, it could be very inspiring. But no. It's a commercial for shoes. Shoes! Get all of these people in the same room, people with great ideas and great stories, and they hawk shoes to the world.

"Tony Robbins! What should I do to stay motivated? I'm broke, have two jobs I don't like, but am really trying to get a career in music started."

"Well, that's an easy one. Get a size ten and a half of Kobe Bryant's new basketball shoe."

"...but, I... don't play basketball."

"These are not just basketball shoes. They are success-ball-basket-inspire-achievement shoes of motivation! Since I've worn them, I've made two million more dollars."

"Wow, really?!"

"Of course! Nike pays me to put them on. I don't wear them for free!"

What do these shoes have to do with success? Kobe is the only one who can benefit from them! Is jumping higher going to help Tony Robbins motivate people better? Will Kanyes songs be more amazing if his ankles are protected?

"Yo, Kanye, that last song was alright, but I mean...it just sounded as if ANYONE could get to your ankles. Like, if the kid from 'Pet Cemetery' was in the studio, you'd be done."

"You're right! I couldn't figure it out, but now that I look down, I'm wearing slippers! Jesus. Toss me those Success at Success shoes and we'll do it again. Try to get at me now demon baby from the mind of Stephen King! TRY NOW!"

Also, if this is all about success, why is Richard Branson not the star of this commercial? I love Kobe, but he or no one in that room touches Richard Branson. NOBODY there is on the level of Richard Branson. He's trying to start a space program that would allow people to pay to go to space. His own space program! I love your three, Kobe, but it happens here on earth. One day, you might be able to shoot it on the moon, but it will be because of Richard Branson. No one else in that room has been knighted! He is Sir Richard Branson. Sir! Kobe can't tell Richard about success! Makes as much sense as Richard Branson telling Kobe about basketball.

“Kobe, what you need to do is drop your elbow just a bit before you release the shot.”

“Richard, this is what I do.”

“That's Sir Richard. Sir. Maybe you'd be knighted if you listened to a knight when he tells you how to shoot.”

“Have you ever played basket?”

“Oh, have I ever played basketball. Have you ever been the fourth richest person in the United Kingdom? Drop your elbow!”

In the commercial, Richard Branson says he's been to space. Kobe says he has as well. No you haven't! I get that Kobe saying he's been to space means he jumps high, but you can only say you've been to space because you jump high if you are talking to other basketball players and trying to brag. You can't tell a man whose been to space that you have been as well because you can jump!

"I've been to space."

"Ditto."

"...really? I saw a lot of things there. I can't say that I saw you."

"Well, I didn't go per say. I have dunked a basketball, though."

"Oh, I get it now. You were being cute. I made jokes like as well before I had been to space. But since I've been to space, I don't joke about it. I've been to space. Actual space. And unless there is something I'm missing, which I doubt because I have money and influence, you can't jump there."

“...I was just being facetious.”

“Of course you were! Wish I could say the same. It's hard to be facetious though when you have actually exited the earths atmosphere. Anyway, can I get back to telling you about space?”

Twitter @nathanmacintosh

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=CtIXGip_7O0