Man losing his penis.

I read the news on a pretty consistent basis. Not every day, but I browse and like to know what's going on. Not for material or anything, just to get out of conversations with people I don't want to talk to.

"My head is actually a cheese radio. Want to ride?"

"...You hear about the Facebook stock? Something, huh? All right, well, goodbye."

But I read one story this week that really affected me. A story that I think needed to be longer and more popular than it was. A story of a man who had to have his penis amputated due to a flesh-eating disease.

That's right. That's what I said. A flesh-eating disease was eating this man’s penis, so he had to have it amputated. Thought you were having a bad day? This week a little tough? Talk to this man.

"My job is killing me! I have to go in early every day this week, and the train’s not even working this week! Just terrible. You know what I mean, sir?"

"Huh? Yeah, yeah. Let me ask you – when you do get to work, do you have your penis?"

"What? Of course I do. What makes you think that I wou—"

"Yeah, of course you do! OF COURSE YOU DO! Love it! Hug it! It could be gone tomorrow. HUG IT!"

"...You're scaring me..."

"BE SCARED! Maybe a flesh-eating disease will attack it! Maybe you'll have to have it removed!"

"Okay, you're right! My life isn't that bad. I'm going to work even earlier, and staying later! You've reinvigorated me!"

"...Where's my penis?"

The story alone is scary, but what is equally as scary – is the way they decided to tell it. In my opinion, it was much too short for the gravity of this situation. Here is the entire article.

/A man who lost his penis to flesh-eating bacteria after penile implant surgery was unsuccessful in suing the anesthesiologist who'd cleared him for the procedure. Enrique Milla was 60 when he underwent surgery in 2007 to correct erectile dysfunction, but had to have his penis amputated after he developed a gangrenous infection about nine days later, according to the report by Courthouse News Service. Milla sought millions in compensation because, he contended, Dr. Laurentiu Boeru overlooked his diabetes and high blood pressure, which would impede his recovery, the report said. A Miami jury cleared Boeru Tuesday in deciding he had not been negligent. Milla previously settled out of court with Dr. Paul Perito, the urologist who performed the operation, CNS said./

That's it! That's the whole article! Courteney Cox will eat a cheeseburger and her picture will end up on the cover of a magazine with a huge article inside.

'A friend of Courteney's said she recommended other lunch options.'

"I kept saying to her, what about a salad? Why get the cheeseburger – WITH bacon? She wouldn't listen. Will this end her career? I don't know. I wouldn't put her in a movie after what I saw. Cheese AND bacon. Just wow."

A cat will be taken out of a tree, and there will be an article with interviews, a history on the tree, even thoughts from the cat.

'CAT WITH ATTITUDE RESCUED FROM HIGH ALTITUDE'.

"Ya know, I've been living next to that cat for four years, and truthfully? I always thought he had it in him to get up that tree. I mean, look at his front paws! Those are tree-climbing paws."

'The cat was rescued around 7:45pm after being in the tree for what officials are calling 'a couple of minutes'. The cat’s owner knew something was awry.'

"Yeah, I was worried. I looked around my house and thought, "That's weird. Mr. Buttersnuggle is usually right here on the floor at this time." But he wasn't. And that alarmed me, ya know? Just alarming. I love Buttersnuggle... where the hell was he, I thought?"

'After being taken down from the tree, Mr. Buttersnuggle was anything but happy.'

"You think you're a hero, huh? Waking me up like that? Jesus. Is there not a fire that you could be stopping? You know I'm a cat, right? I got up there, I can get down. Get that camera out of my face! I haven't bathed yet!"

'The oak tree that Mr. Buttersnuggle was in had exactly forty-seven branches on it before firefighters had to climb up to rescue the feline from this altitude. After Mr. Buttersnuggle was taken down? Forty-five branches. A sad day for plants and mother earth, but a happy day for animal life and mother animals.'

These stories get full coverage, but a man’s penis having to be amputated due to a flesh-eating disease? That story gets a paragraph and a half? A horror movie come to life and it's as long as three tweets?

"Nothing else to discuss here, folks. Just arguably one of the scariest things that could ever happen to a man, happening to a man due to one of the scariest diseases that anyone could contract, but really, what else is there to say? Nothing, that's what. Flip to the Comics section. That's where the real entertainment is. Wash this bad-feeling article down with a Dilbert story."

There's a lot more to say! A lot!

One, WHY was the surgeon not liable at all? He sued the surgeon and lost. Lost! Lost completely. Not only did he not get what he was asking for, he got nothing. Nothing! How did that happen?

"Your Honor, I lost my penis and it's because of that man."

"What happened?"

"Well, I tried to have him fix my erectile dysfunction and he..."

"Wait, wait. Did you say erectile dysfunction?"

"Yes, that's why..."

"Hahaha. Wow. You have erectile dysfunction?"

"Well, not anymore. I don't even have a..."

"Get a load of this guy, courtroom! Erectile dysfunction! Hahahaha. Oh, man. That is rich. Case dismissed due to the fact that you're not a man. Erectile dysfunction. Wow."

His penis was chopped off, and the only alternative was to have it eaten away with the rest of his body, and he lost this case? Lost the whole thing? This surgeon has to have some sort of responsibility. Shouldn't he have to give him some money out of his pocket at least? At least, the very least, he should be sentenced to take him out to dinner.

"Look, I'm really sorry about your penis. But hey, now you can think with your brain, huh? Haha. Just kidding... it's really just a joke that women would like anyway... and clearly you are not in the mood for such... more breadsticks?"

Another question. He settled out of court with the urologist, but for how much? I think that part of the story should be told. I wonder because I'd like to know – what is the price of never having a penis again? How much money are you okay settling for when you have lost your penis forever?

"Look, man. We need to talk. You messed up and now I have no Thunder Hammer!"

"Is that what you called it?"

"Yeah... no good? Look, not the point! I lost it and I think you owe me money for that. I say one million dollars."

"One million? For a penis? No way."

"What?! That's fair. For my Mic Stand? ...Another nickname. Doesn't matter, you owe me money!"

"Look, I have twenty dollars in my pocket."

"Ah, man... All right, do you have change for parking? It's costing me a lot to come to your office."

"No, just a twenty."

"Dammit! If I still had my Wand of Wonder – I'd hit you with it!"

"That is for sure the best nickname you had for it."

"Thank you."

There should be a tax that you pay into incase something like this happens. Same as retirement, there should be a lost penis fund. I'd assume after something like this you would just want to go on a permanent vacation. Going to work ever again? I think not.

"Where have you been all this week? You missed Monday, Tuesday, Wednesday, and no calls at all? Who do you think you are?! Do you even want this job?"

"Look, I had a flesh-eating disease that ate my penis. I'm sorry that I..."

"Whoa! You had me at flesh-eating disease! I'm going to give you MY paycheck from now on. Stay up, man. Well, not up. Jesus. Sorry!"

Also, a flesh-eating disease? We can still contract these and we don't have cures?! Why are people still making iPhones?! Why are scientists still trying to figure out random things about dinosaurs? We could be eaten from the inside out! This isn't top priority on the 'Bacteria/Diseases To Find Cures For' list? It should at least be top five.

"Okay, I think I've done it! I may just have discovered that dinosaurs might actually have been the first creatures on the planet to dance!"

"Wait, what? THAT'S what you're working on? You know there's a bacteria out there that will eat your flesh?"

"Well, yes, I do know that. But look!  Dinosaurs could have..."

"...You still talking about this? Flesh-eating bacteria, man! Higher importance. Some guy could lose his penis to this! I don't care if the dinosaurs invented the hammer dance!"

"...Please, T-rex, don't hurt 'em..."

"...Okay, funny. But come on!"

Of all the ways to lose your penis, this has to be the scariest way to do so. There are some other ways. You could get it caught in a VCR.

"Agh! WHOA! Only thing worse than this pain is the pain of knowing I'm feeling it because I was rewinding 'Ernest Scared Stupid'. WOW!"

A piranha could bite it off.

"Jumping, Christ! Why is there a piranha in this box of crackers?!"

"Oh, yeaaahhhhh. I was gonna mention that. Meant to say, 'Don't go in the kitchen naked, there is a piranha loose in there.' You weren't naked were you?"

"...Agh, dear God! I am. Not even a good idea with the crackers alone, but God! RARELY do you think there will be a piranha able to breathe air roaming your kitchen. My fault, I suppose. Protect yourself at all times."

Am I the only one who feels for this guy? Lost it after sixty years? The man owned it for sixty years, and then boom! No more, and he gets a paragraph and a half and no money? If it were a baby who had to have his penis amputated at birth, we'd all be upset.

"What a travesty! That baby had to lose his penis because it was so crooked that during an erection there would be absolutely no way that it wouldn't completely wrap around his left leg, cutting off circulation, and killing it. Wow, just a shame."

We'd all feel bad, and that baby would never have even used it! The baby would not have even known how great having one could be. This sixty-year-old man does! He's been down the road, up the road, off the road, and through the woods with his penis. I'm assuming at sixty, anyway.

The man is sixty years old and has to live the rest of his life with no penis. None. None! After sixty years! That's insane. I've had one for only twenty-six years, and I can tell you, I can't live the rest of my life without it. And it's not because of sex, or because I want to put it in other things, or because I like touching it, it's just... come on! No penis at all? Nothing? That's huge. If this guy had lost his arm because a doctor tried to give him a bionic elbow and it came to life and was going to attack his nervous system if it wasn't removed, this blog would not exist.

"There you are, sir. Your bionic elbow should be working just fine. 

Actually, better than fine! You should be able to throw a ball just as fast as that kid in Rookie of the Year!"

"Oh, gee, thanks, doc. That's great. You know, I've had terrible things to say about your profession over the years, but in times of need, you guys real–"

"GREETINGS, HUMANS! I AM ELBOW, AND I AM HERE TO DESTROY THE MAN I AM ATTACHED TO!"

"Ohhhh, Gooooddddd!"

"Ahhhhh! Only one thing to do! I'll have to saw off your whole arm!"

"I CANNOT BE REMOVED. ONCE I AM ATTACHED, I AM <sawing sounds> I... CAN'T... I CAN'T... I HAVE BEEN BESTED. DAMN BARBARIC MEDICAL TECHNIQUES."

"Whoa. I apologize, sir. That had to happen. Your arm was going to take you out."

"...I understand. Thank you. Now, can you stitch it up before the adrenaline wears off and I feel the pain?"

"Gotcha... bionic arm again? Haha. Just kidding."

"Please hurry. It's starting to hurt."

However, that's not what happened. A man lost his penis due to a FLESH-EATING DISEASE. I just wanted that to be said again.

Multi-player in video games. What happened?

Video games are one of the greatest things that have ever been created. Multi-player video games? Even more so. Playing a game with human beings that you know? Amazing. This used to be the only way to do it. Then what happened? On-line took over, and way too many games decided to go that route and, in most cases, get rid of the sit-with-someone-and-play option. I am truly not a fan of this.

It used to be that you and a friend could go through a two-player game together. Now? Some games that clearly should be two-player are one-player, and you can only play two-player online. I understand that now with technology we can play with people from all over the world, but why get rid of the 'playing-with-people-beside-you' option!? Why not have the online option as well as a 'play-beside-a-living-breathing-human-being-on-a-couch-with-fun' option? Why!? The latest Ghostbusters is a one-player game unless you are online. Ghostbusters! There are clearly four Ghostbusters that work as a team together, but you have to go through it alone unless you are online? How is that!? The Ghostbusters worked together!

"Egon! Slimer is loose again. We have to go capture him."

"All right, but not together."

"What? What are you talking about? We're a team!"

"I know, I know. But let's try something different. You take this picture of me, go on ahead, and I'll talk to you through this Walkie Talkie."

"How the hell is that going to work? Going as a group always worked so well before."

"Get off the damn group thing, all right?! It's a new day! That was the 80s! Today it's every Ghostbuster for himself."

Look at the back of most video games now and they will say, "One-player, thirty-two players online." Thirty-two online, but only one at home? You can have thirty-two people playing this at the same time from all over the WORLD but can't make it possible for one more to play at home? Why would 'multiplayer-with-humans-at-home' be taken away from us? Do we not want friends over anymore? Is that what it is? We are so tired of our friends that we want to meet new ones online.

"My friends are stupid, boring, arrogant, and loud. Not to mention that they stink! I need to find better friends. More levelheaded, thoughtful, caring, 'put-others-first' type people. And I know just the place to find them. The internet! Won't be wearing your shoes on my new rug anymore, Dennis. From now on, it's all virtual shoes!"

Designers go out of their way to make sure a game feels realistic. They try their hardest to make it feel like when you are playing a war game, you feel like you are at war. How the guns fire, the sound of bullets flying past you, the chaotic feeling. Then, for some ridiculous reason, they decide to take out the actual army part. Where as if you were in an army in real life, YOU WOULD HAVE HUMAN BEINGS BESIDE YOU, the designers decide to get rid of that completely. There is no one beside you. You can't turn and coordinate something with someone in your battalion. Your army is online.

"Sarge, I'm pinned down here! You have to send backup!"

"I'd love to, but I just got word that three of our men had to stop being in the war and go do their homework – also, six others had to leave because their girlfriends came over."

"What? That's ridiculous! This is war! Can we pause this thing?"

"No, no. Only the person who started this war can do that. And he doesn't care about your ranking. Fight on, soldi– mom! I told you I'd be down in a minute! I'm storming the beach right now!"

People used to love to play video games in the same room, and we used to go out of our way to do it. I remember the only way to play Command & Conquer with two players, was to have two systems and two TVs in the same room, AND have two copies of the game. What did we do? We put two systems and two TVs in the same room, AND got two copies of the game! It was a huge mission. It was like when people in movies have to turn their keys at the same time to stop an explosion.

"All right, you ready? Turn your PlayStation on in 3...2..."

"Nick! Where the hell is my TV?!"

"Abort, abort! We've been compromised!"

"If you dragged that TV into your room to watch Bleu Nuit on a bigger screen, I swear to Christ!"

Playing multiplayer online is absolutely terrible. I don't want to play with people who are not in the same room as me. That is not 'co-op'. That is not playing with others. That is sitting alone in a room, pretending that there are others with you. Playing online and saying you are playing with others is the same as listening to your iPod and saying that the band is in your house.

"How was my day? Great! Jay-Z rode the train with me! Isn't that nuts?! And not only that, he did every song from Reasonable Doubt! It was incredible. Then just as I was getting off, Aerosmith showed up and I said, "I'd love to stay, Aerosmith, but I have to go to work." Man, pushy old Aerosmith."

Playing online is not playing with people. You need people to play with other people. People! To play with other people!

People love playing online now. Even people who remember how we used to play together want to play that way. "Add me on PlayStation network. We can play online."

Come to my house! You're twenty-six. What is wrong with you? I know you! Why wouldn't we play in the same room?

"Hey, roommate. You want to play NHL?"

"Sure, man."

"Sweet. I'll take my system across the street and get a hotel room. I'll call you when I'm set up."

"Done! Oh, man. We're gonna destroy these LA Kings."

"You're damn right we will! Hey, you want me to trash the room when we win?"

"You decide. It's your birthday."

Another reason I don't like playing online is because when you’re playing online and wearing a headset, you have to hear commentary by people you play with. Good commentary? Commentary such as, "Whoa! I love this game! I love earth! I love you guys! Where can I donate money to help those in need?" 

Nope. Not at all. Every time I have played online I've listened to people spew racism, telling everyone how terrible black people are. Every single time. Online play should just be called 'racially-charged-multiplayer'.

"Have you ever wanted to play a video game with a friend AND speak your mind about 'the chosen people' but were afraid to do so? Try our 'racially-charged-multiplayer'! Every racist comment you make gives you ten points!"

"Whoa! Thanks, 'racially-charged-multiplayer'!"

"That's not all! If you make two homophobic comments every five minutes of gameplay, the game designers will come to your house and salute you!"

"WOW!"

"Yeah! So tell your 'all men are created equal' believing friends to go to hell because if they don't believe what you believe, they’re going anyway!"

How is this allowed to be? Why are these online servers not shut down when they see that people are talking the way people do in the woods in the south?

"Guys, you're not gonna believe this. But people aren't just playing these games. People are making the most ignorant, racist comments ever."

"...Are they putting down the controller to do so?"

"...We...no, no, they are playing AND making the most ignorant comments ever, but..."

"So they are multitasking?"

"Well... I guess so, but it's no–"

"Multitasking! Put that in the features of the game. This game allows you to multitask."

If you spoke this way constantly in an arcade you'd be arrested.

"Why the hell can't I get drunk and call Pac-Man a Chinaman? He's yellow, god dammit! This is a free country! At least let me bring my beer!"

But online, where people can record everything you say, hate gets thrown. If a website for buying cars eroded into a thirteen year old’s beliefs as to what's wrong with the Jews, that website would be taken down.

"Hector! An eighth-grader called this 2001 Ford Taurus a 'Jew mobile'."

"A new mobile? Well, that's nice of him. It does drive like new."

"No, JEW mobile. He called it a Jew mobile."

"Oh… well, Jews can drive it. He's not THAT misguided. Could you also add that it's a blacks-and-Hispanics mobile as well? Look, I don't care who buys it. Just get it out of here!"

Playing video games online is like playing videogames in a Klan rally.

"First order of business, as it is at all of our meetings, is that every other race of people is inferi... inferi... they just less than us, damn it! Second order of business is that I, Imperial Wizard Chuck, think you guys are working too hard. You need a bit of a break. So I've decided to get everyone their own PlayStation 3 and headset."

"Hot damn! That's great news!"

"Yes, yes. But remember. When you go online, you still have to represent the Klan. You can't just be going on there being nice to people. Keep the hate going!"

"Ah, man. We even have to hate when we relax? Being an Apple genius wasn't this hard. This Klan is kicking my ass."

I've seen game rooms that have titles like "No Blacks Allowed". No blacks allowed! Anytime you put a headset on and play a video game, you will be called a faggot, or you’ll have to listen to someone tell you how all Armenians steal and should be executed on site.

"I just don't trust them! How the hell are they that color and still leave their house? I mean, do they have mirrors? I just got the enemy’s flag! These goddamn Egyptians, too. With their pyramids and their "we used to pray to cats" attitude. Just a bunch of... all right! I got back to base! We can get out of here now! In your face, social norms!"

When I play videogames with actual people, the n-word never gets dropped – and magically, I don't know how, the game is still fun!

"God, I don't know. I had a good time playing this wrestling game with you guys, but something was missing."

"Ya know, I was thinking the same thing? I can't quite put my finger on it. We have chips, drinks, friends, ... a wrestling game. I mean, that last one alone is enough for a great time."

"Yea, yea. We have all of that... wait! Did you mention hate?"

"Hate! Ah, man. How the hell could we forget about the hate?"

"I don't know. But let's head down to the children’s hospital and unleash on them the hate we didn't unleash here."

"Yeah! I've been waiting to tell those kids the truth. Should we bring our white hoods?"

"Wow. Too far, man. These kids are really sick."

It was more fun to play with people in the same room and much less hateful. Let's fight racism by not giving anyone an Xbox live account ever again. Anyone.

We get the picture meme.

In this 140-character/no-time-for-anyone society, we have developed another short way to interact with each other. Yet another way to show how smart and funny we all are with little words. Another way to let people know we are hilarious. And as most things tend to go, this one has been done to death. What am I talking about? Picture memes with 'funny' sayings or quotes on them.

First of all, there are way too many now. At first there were only a couple flying around. Maybe a tree being peed on by a dog saying, "Nooooo! I'm a tree! Don't do me like that!" or "I'll never be back to this park again, but they'll know – this tree is MINE!"

Now? There are so many of these that if you don't see one, you start to get upset.

"Wait… what? I see jokes in status updates, but how in the hell am I supposed to understand them if there isn't a picture to go along with them!? I mean, come on! I'm just a man! PUT UP PICTURES!"

After logging in to Facebook twice in two days and just scrolling down a tiny bit, I found twenty-four of these. Twenty-four! It's hard to find twenty-four people you like on Facebook. Hilarious pictures? Easier than finding your left leg.

"This is ridiculous! I just had it! Now where in the hell did I put my le... oh! Look at that! A picture of an eagle wearing a thong, singing lyrics from LMFAO! I can't walk on it, but man, when you're laughing this hard, who needs two legs?"

All Facebook has become now are these pictures. There's almost nothing else left. Every second update is someone posting one. 

"One update saying what I'm up to, one with a hilarious picture. One update saying what I'm up to, one with a picture of a grandmother saying, "Who needs teeth when you have fake hips!"

Memes are taking over everything!

"How did that happen? My girlfriend’s profile has been taken over by picture of a cat holding up its paw and the words "You must be a member of CAA to enter". How does a picture have any ability to takeover a person’s entire account? How is..."

BOOM!

"Put your hands up, kid! I want your account!"

"Ahhh! How did you get in here, picture of Luke Skywalker getting a family request from Darth Vader?! And what do you want from me!?"

"Don't worry how I got in here. I'm everywhere! I want your account, so that I can annoy anyone who knows you by popping up constantly."

"But... if you do that... people will start to... dislike me..."

"...Exactly."

"Nooooooooo!"

"Hey, that's my line!"

Some of these are funny and creative, if you make them. That's the best part of these, though – you don't even have to make them to be funny! All you have to do is find one and post it and you are hilarious by proxy.

"Hey, guys! Take a look at this!"

"Wow! That's hilarious! You are way too funny. How did you come up with that?"

"Oh, no no. I didn't make it. A faceless shut-in did. I just brought it to you!"

"…Taking a second to think it over – I am still thoroughly impressed and will give you the same amount of credit as if you had made it yourself. You are hilarious!"

"Thank you, thank you. I do have a gift when it comes to telling people about the things I find."

Not only do many of these try to be funny, a lot also try to be inspirational. Does there have to be tons of these as well? Too many pictures of a tree in a field with a single leaf falling from it and a "Remember the Titans"-type inspirational quote underneath.

"When one leaf falls, another one is coming right behind it. Or, the leaf fell off because the tree is dying. But if it's dying, it's going to a better place. YOU are that tree... go to a better place?"

Is anyone who puts these up qualified to be inspirational? Every time someone puts one of these pictures up, there should be another one underneath it.

"The person who put up this inspirational quote about keeping your head down and working hard is a night manager at a Wal-Mart. Do with that information what you will."

How are there so many of these with inspirational quotes? In North America? We need this many inspirational quotes? Seems a bit much. We have everything! Everything is open to us! Yet we still need to be told how we can achieve anything we want? There's no way there are this many inspirational quotes floating around in places that need it. Places such as North Korea. 

"You are not as good as the leader, but you are still okay. Well, only if the leader says so. The leader wants you to love him. You are an okay lover... says the leader."

If you need that much motivation in your life, you might want to stop Googling inspirational pictures and get off of Facebook.

"Yes, I know I'm on parole. No, I haven't started looking for a job. I've been searching for inspirational quotes, and have yet to come across one that tells me to find a part time job at Staples. I have, though, spent six hours sending these pictures to others and telling them to solve their problems head-on with pictures of runners and dogs jumping, and that COULD be a jo... what? I'm going back to jail if I don't find a real job?! Wait! I found one of an ant lifting a rock that says, "Keep Lifting". Doesn't that count for anything? I AIN’T GOING BACK TO JAIL!"

Why are we taking pictures and adding captions to them? Are we all trying to win a worldwide caption contest that I haven't been told about – like they have in the back of newspapers?

"Oh, man. A picture is worth a thousand words, but I wonder if I could make this one that is clearly a picture of a sad person funny in ten words? Only one way to find out! Being-hilarious skills, go to work! "I’m poor, have bad hair, and an abusive family, but you know what? You like Glee. Suck it, stupid!" There. I think I nailed it. Now just sit back and wait for the likes and comments to roll in."

One of the most annoying things about these is that some people don't see these memes when they first come out, then five weeks later they will post it thinking they are the first to stumble across it.

"Guys! Check this out! It's hilarious. I just saw it, therefore it's new to all!"

"...That was posted four weeks ago."

"...But I just... I just found it..."

"The internet world feels for you, but nobody even likes the cat wearing the sombrero with the caption "Cinco De Meow" anymore. Now we're on to "Happy Meow-thers Day” with a cat being hugged by its kittens. From now on, try to keep up."

I think the ones I dislike the most are the condescending Willy Wonkas.

"Oh, you keep copying all of the Wonka pictures and adding in your own captions? Tell me more. Oh, you still think these are funny and keep posting them as if they are? Tell me more."

Why do so many of these have to be references from so long ago? All old references that we can mock people with. The pencil and the cassette tape.

"Do you know how these two go together? If not, you're younger than me – ergo, dumber."

References to Star Wars.

"Hey, Luke, I'm your father. Remember? We figured that out in 1980 when 

I told you in that movie? Anyway, I thought I'd tell you again thirty-two years later – through song."

The reference to Zelda, Ocarina of Time.

"Took half of my life to beat, but it was worth it."

First of all, there's no way that game took half of your life to beat. I beat it when I was thirteen. It took half of my grade six year, but I'm sure I didn't miss much.

Can we stop with these? What is the point? The only people who are doing these are people who are old enough to remember the thing they are referencing, but still feel the need to use new school ways of gloating about it.

"What do you know about the video game Monsters in My Pocket? Huh?! For the first Nintendo!? You weren't even born, stupid! That's old school! You don't know nothing about that! It was before your time! But the iPhone and the Mac I used to show you about it are clearly right in your time. I... I guess... ah hell. You're still stupid!"

These memes are things that would be funny to people who work in offices. People who are doing anything to pass the time and not think about their day. Passed back and forth from cubical to cubical.

"Hey, check this out! It'll make you not want to kill yourself for two minutes."

"A whole two minutes? Man, that's huge. Not since high school have I felt that level of not killing myself-edness."

With memes being passed around so much, Facebook now seems like an office. It's now become a water cooler where we can all stop and talk hilarity.

"Hey, man, you see the picture of the Credible Hulk?"

"Psssh, I wish. This job is kicking my ass. I'm thinking of taking a picture of our boss and writing the caption, "I'm a boss, which stands for Bald Old Son of a Saddlehack" on it.

"Ewwww, already done, big fella."

"Really? Saddlehack? I don't even know what it means, I just like how it sounded."

"Yeah, done. Gary in marketing. That guy uses every club in the bag."

Soon, I hope we can get back to jokes without pictures. Until then, what about this – a picture of Inspector Gadget standing in line in a grocery store with tons of groceries in front of him and the caption, "Go, go gadget credit! ...Well, I guess I'll have to go go gadget steal it." No? Nothing? You're right. It does need a picture.

Dirty and Clean

When I first started doing comedy, I wouldn't swear on stage. I didn't want to. There were things I didn't want to talk about, I always wore a dress shirt, and I never swore. Offstage? I swore, didn't only wear dress shirts, and I had opinions on everything! I decided that I wanted to be more me on stage, so that meant taking my actual thoughts on with me, not just things I came up with.

Too many times, I've seen things written about comedy that says things such as, "Clean comedy is the way to go. It's easy to get a laugh with swearing. It's much harder to get a laugh without."

Is it really that easy to do? To just swear on stage and get a laugh? A real heartfelt laugh? There aren’t too many places you can just go up and swear into a mic and have people laughing.

"Ohhh, man. This is great! He's saying all the things I think when someone cuts me off!"

Is it easier to do what Chris Rock does than what Brian Regan does? They are both hard! Look at The Simpsons and South Park. Simpsons are hilarious. South Park? Same. Is South Park funny just because they swear? No! They are smart and on point. That show has been amazing over the last few years.

Any time someone writes about how it is hard to be clean, the comments underneath these writings are always pretty entertaining.

"That's right! You keep doing what you do! Too many people out there just swearing and being dirty for the sake of it. Nice to see a clever, funny person out there not resorting to being filthy."

First of all, to me, being completely clean is in some ways offensive on its own. People like to think, "You can't offend people by being clean." Um, yeah you can! If you are not being entertaining, it's offensive. If you are being fake, it's offensive. If you are saying, "Some guy cut me off and I put my head out the window and said, ‘Hey! Watch where you're going, you penis enjoyer!’" – I can tell you, I am offended.

The word 'clever' should make most adults puke. Clever? Clever should only ever be used to describe smart five year olds.

"Oh, look at you? Colored in the whole picture by yourself with water-paints? You're very clever. And you! Thirty-five year old man who says fudge instead of swearing! Very clever indeed."

I have a strong feeling towards this because I battle with this all the time. Should I swear? Should I not swear? I have apologized to people after shows for swearing. Apologized! When I think of that, that is much more disgusting than actually swearing in my mind. I have these crazy thoughts that when I swear sometimes, someone goes home, sits in a corner of their house and cries.

"I can't believe what I just heard. Why would he say that?! He ruined my Thursday night, thus ruining the rest of the weekend because it will take at least three days to get over this! WHY!?"

I know. Insane, huh? Why is this, though? Because when I was growing up, very early on, I was labeled a good kid. I was a quiet, do-my-homework kind of kid. Then when I started to get older, I became more outgoing, started to question things, and found more of my actual voice instead of the one I was supposed to have for school.

What's funny is – clean comedy still has to make itself sound as if it's edgy comedy. Look at any comedy special from a clean comedian. Tries to make it sound as if they're knocking down boundaries.

"Look out, grocery stores! Nothing is sacred here in this one hour special. Two-for-one pineapples, pocket lint, spare change. Buckle up! You've never heard someone take down shopping carts like this!"

I've been in many conversations where someone will say with an air of royalty, "Well, I don't have to swear to be funny." 

Good for you, hero. We are all proud of you. You did make a hilarious quip about what a doorknob would say, though, if it could talk. I'd assume there's not much room for swearing in that.

"Ever wonder what a doorknob would say if it could talk? Probably 'stop turning my fucking face!' All right, goodnight Toledo!"


Swearing is needed in some situations. Needed. No one has ever heard the phrase,
"Ahhh, intercourse me harder!"
Never. You've never heard that. And if you do hear it, run! Run out of that room. You are about to be murdered. How gross does the word "intercourse" sound? It sounds as though you are about dissect someone.
"Well, I have my formaldehyde, polymer gloves, I believe I'm ready to intercourse this frog."
"...Um, I think the term you are looking for is 'dissect'."
"Ewww! 'Dissect'? The word sex is almost in there! I'm going to have sex with this frog? No. Intercourse it. God. Keep your mind out of the gutter."
"But intercourse means sex."
"STOP TALKING DIRTY WHILE I AM HOLDING A DEAD FROG!"


Rap music doesn't need swearing, but the songs that have swearing, need that swearing. There's nothing sadder than listening to a song that can hype you up, only to have half of it cut out.
"Gonna take over the world, me and my girl, gonna 'beep' 'beep' the 'beep' 'beep' 'beep 'beep' 'beep' 'beep' Arby's drive-thru, yea you know how we do! Me and my crew, just 'beeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeep'."

I have never heard anyone say, "I don't have to be clean to be funny." Why is clean comedy the top of the top? Why can't smart comedy be? No matter how it is conveyed, why is it not what is looked upon?
"You know, that guy didn't swear, and made a bunch of noises for an hour."
"I know! It was great! That other guy swore and talked about politics in a very enlightening way. God. Terrible. I mean, throw a beep or a boink in there at least."
"I know, man. I know. Hopefully one day he'll learn."

I talked to someone once who was reading a book about being a comedian. There was a chapter that was "Don't work dirty." The person I was talking to said, "Yeah, you should work clean because you can reach a wider audience."

Can you? You can reach a different audience. Probably some of the same people in both. Do you think that Guns N’ Roses were upset that they had a different audience than Air Supply?

"Man, millions of people want to see us, but we don't get to do ANY shows in the afternoon to neutered adults."

"I know, right! I have already started re-writing our songs. How about, "Welcome to the bungalow, we've got buns and flames?"

"Hmmm, I like it, but people might think that we mean a woman's behind if we say 'buns'."

"Dammit! You're right! I guess we’ll just play to tons of adoring fans all over the world at NIGHT time. Geez."

"I know, I know. It'll be okay. Don't cry. We'll write a children's book."
"(sniff sniff)...You...you promise?"
"...I promise."

The only reason it makes me upset, is because there's no grey area. It's just dirty or clean.

"Well, he's clean. And you're dirty."

So, wait, because I swear a bit, I'm in the same category as Andrew Dice Clay? Does that make any sense? We don't do this in any other facet of life. 

"Your honor, he has thirty five unpaid parking tickets. CLEARLY, he is as bad as Hitler."

"You are right. Any infraction puts you in the level of dictators. Life in prison without parole."

I've heard many people say as well,

"Well, I just don't think you need to swear to be funny."

Yeah, you're right, you don't need to swear. We are throwing the word need in there? You don't NEED a lot of things. You don't NEED to have audio in movies. They used to make silent movies. Let's do it again! You don't NEED round tires on a car. Sure, it'll be a little weird at first, but you can get down the street on your square tires.

Some people will go out of their way to say, "Oh, I guess this crowd just wants dirty material."

Why! Maybe they just want some material with feeling! Maybe you don't have any heart in your stuff about lozenge wrappers.

"By the time I got it open, my throat was so red – Conservatives wanted seats in it! ...Crickets, huh? Well, I didn't swear."

Most people swear in real life as well. There are people who don't swear at all and that's fine. But to try to say that people shouldn't swear on stage is just disgusting. You are taking art away from people. If swearing weren’t allowed, there'd be no rap music, no George Carlin, not even movies like The Big Lebowski or Goon. Do we know how good all of these things are? It's funny to me that no matter how dirty Andrew Dice Clay got; he never had one sexual harassment charge against him. Bill Cosby has had two. Two! Would we rather people be clean on stage and dirty in real life?

"God, I really don't like his act. It's so vile! Nice guy, though. THAT guy’s act is so clean and nice. He did grope me in a parking lot, but I mean, he doesn't swear on stage, so it's okay. That swearing guy? What an animal!"

Steve Jobs.

When Steve Jobs died, I thought, "Oh, that's interesting. I had no idea that was coming." Then I watched TV coverage and saw that people were crying and putting up shrines. Shrines! I then thought, "Did I miss the great music that Steve had put out? Are there some really heartfelt songs sung by him that I should have heard?"

"Oh my God! I can't believe he's gone! I loved his song "Charge It Up". Miss you, Steve!"

But no. No songs.

Steve Jobs died and everyone freaked out.

"He's gone?! But I haven't MET him yet!"

When he died, everyone talked about him and his face was everywhere.

"Did you hear about Steve Jobs?"

"You mean that guy? The man whose picture is fifty feet tall and everywhere?"

"Yeah! Have you heard?"

Before that? I never heard anyone talk about him. Before he died, I was never in a situation where somebody talked about how great Steve Jobs was.

"Do you understand how unbelievable Steve Jobs is?"

"Who? The Mac guy?"

"The Mac guy? Do you have any respect at all?! He designed the Mac!"

"...Yeah, I know. That's why I said the Mac g..."

"He DESIGNED the MAC! God, what's wrong with you? Can you at least turn up my Steve Jobs machine so I can hear my music from Steve JobsTunes?"

 

Watching the news coverage, you would have thought another war was breaking out.

"Why are these guys crying in front of the Apple store?"

"I don't know. But I can only assume that it's because Apple has declared war on Windows. There will be a lot of genius casualties in this one."

I couldn't believe that people put shrines out infront of Apple stores. Shrines? For a man who designed a device? That seems far. People wouldn't even put up shrines for their own parents. Your own mom would barely get a good eulogy, but you have to take those flowers down to the Apple store and put them outside.

"Oh, Steve. You were great. Thank you for allowing me to not carry CDs anymore. I can now listen to Ginuwine’s entire catalogue with comfort and ease."

"Those flowers say: "God Bless You, Mom".

"Umm, yeah, well, I'm sure God will get the message either way. These are for Steve now!"

 

People put shrines out infront of stores that he didn't even work at! He wasn't a cashier at these places.

"Excuse me, Genius? What was Steve like? Did you work with him yesterday?"

"I have actually never met the man."

"Oh, you guys worked different hours, huh? I see."

 

If someone ever cures cancer, that guy won't get shrines the way that Steve Jobs did. That man wouldn't get this kind of respect.

"Ladies and gentleman, I would like to let you know that I have found a cure for cancer! Your families, loved ones, and future generations will not have to worry about this horrible disease anymore!"

"Whatever, man! Did you help Steve Jobs?"

"..Um, yes. He is no..."

"Shut up! Where is Steve?! We want to hear from Steve!"

"He, um, he's still recovering from the..."

"Steve! Steve! Steve! Steve! He's more important than you! All you did was make it possible for my mom to live longer. Steve made it possible for me to take a picture of her and turn it into a cartoon! Steve! Steve! Steve!"

 

There were a lot of pictures shown of Steve Jobs at the time, most of them pretty similar. A lot of him looking at a camera, while wearing his trademark black turtleneck and white shoes, with a look on his face that almost said,

"Yes. This is what the leader looks like. Don't I kinda look like Jeff Goldblum without hair?"

It's funny that if you design technology, you can wear the same thing all the time. The world lets you get away with it.

"Hasn't he been wearing those sandals and overalls for two straight weeks?"

"Yeah, but he is building a rocket out of pop cans."

"Ooohhh. He's a genius. Good for him."

No one else can get away with wearing the same thing all the time. If you read about a murderer who always wore the same thing – that would totally make sense to you.

"Yeah, he ALWAYS had on white shoes and a black turtleneck. I can completely believe that there are seventy-five women stacked in this closet. I mean, he had the room in there. There are no clothes! Right?! Haha... too soon?"

 

Also, there were way too many young people in front of these stores crying. Look, if you didn't have to deal with dial-up, you have no business crying about Steve Jobs. People who heard dial-up should be crying that a man who helped take us far away from that terrible noise is no longer with us.

"I can't believe he's gone... I can still hear my son booting up his computer to slowly search porn sites that don't actually give you any movies for free. BAAAAHHHHH, BEDO, BEDO, BEDO! Just terrible. It went off even when the sound wasn't on your computer! What the hell was wrong with that demon sound!"

 

People crying I don't understand. You paid tons of money for these products. He was handsomely rewarded for his work. HANDSOMELY. To work five months to save up for something you really don't need, then cry when the man who designed it dies? I could see maybe if you stole it.

"I left the store with an iPad in my jeans by accident! When I went home, used it for three weeks, found out that I loved it and should pay for it, I came back with the money and you were dead! Not fair, world! Someone put this money in his grave! PUT IT IN HIS GRAVE!"

 

Can we be honest here? Steve Jobs really created a reality where no one can now have empty hands. People just can't do it! Have to be holding something. If it's not the iPhone, it's the iPad. Not the iPad? How about an iPod? If it's none of these, it's a charger in both hands – running around trying to find these things.

"Come on iEverything, where are you?! I can't go outside without music, I can't even open the door without checking the weather on my iPhone, and how the hell can I sit on the train without playing a game on my iPad?! My hands are starting to rela... No! No!"

  

Steve Jobs helped create annoying things and take people out of the moment. He didn't set out to do that, obviously. That would be Dr. Robotnik evil.

“I will create a device that makes it so people never truly enjoy a moment again! Haha! Then, I will destroy Sonic and his friend Knuckles!”

He didn't set out to do it, but he did aid this process. There are no moments anymore. Nobody is truly anywhere that they actually are. Not in North America, anyway.

"That was funny! I have to take a picture of it, tweet it to people, and let them know!"

"Why can't you just enjoy it here and now?"

"Ugh, God. What are you? From 2004? I'm texting someone right now to let them know you're an idiot."

 

Steve Jobs also gave us no time to even enjoy the products that he put out. When something came out, people would run out and buy it – and on the receipt for what they had bought, there would be an ad for the newest version coming out.

"Thanks so much! I can't wait to use this! Wait, what's this on my receipt?"

"Oh, that's an ad for the newer version of what have just bought! Comes out tomorrow! Yours will be useless!

"But... I just bought it. It just came out."

"It did... a full month ago. It's old school now! You can tell people you’re old school."

"Sir, your school is so old, Dee Snider is in grade two there."

Do people always cry when someone who makes a popular device dies? Did people cry when Philo Farsworth – who invented the TV – died? I bet not. Anyone cry in their powdered wig when Thomas Edison died?

"Hey! Have you heard that Thomas Edison died?"

"The man who made it possible for me to see you in my house at night without lighting a candle or an oil lamp?"

"Yes! That one!"

"Hmmm. Damn shame. Can you turn that light off when you leave? My power bill is going to be as big as the buckles on my shoes."

Steve Jobs was Chief Executive of Pixar Animation Studios. He was also a member of the board of directors for Walt Disney, a philanthropist, and he was raised by a single mother. All of this is great to me, and Steve Jobs has obviously done some amazing things. I just don't think anyone should be worshipped this way. We all already worship the devices he put in our hands.

Coca Cola/Soda Pop. Open Happiness?

Coca Cola is something we all have had. Since we were kids, it's been something we have wanted to drink, something that has been shown to us on TV, and something we have craved for reasons we don't even know. We've all had it as kids, unless you had parents who didn't have it around at all.

"Kevin! Get that out of the house! Now eat this eggplant and drink this tomato juice."

"But mom! The other kids are all drinking Coke!"

"There are no other kids, Kevin! We live in the woods and I homeschool you!"

The reason I am only really talking about Coca Cola is because they are the biggest company. Even when Pepsi does advertise, their entire campaign is always just, "We taste better than Coke." I mean all pop/soda in general, but Coca Cola has to be one of the worst things that this planet has ever seen as far as human health goes.

Coca Cola’s slogan does not represent that, though. What do they go with? What is the beautiful marketing campaign that they decide to throw on the world? 

"Open Happiness."

Happiness. Open happiness! The gall! The arrogance! How are best friends, anti-depression pills and therapists still in existence when happiness is just a plastic bottle away?

"Ya know, I just can't seem to not be depressed. I was fired from my job because I was spending too much time with my wife. Then, my wife left me for my job. No joke. She is now sleeping with my copy-editing job. You believe that? I'm just so sad."

"Unhappy, huh? Well, open this Coca Cola. You will literally be opening happiness."

"Oh, wow! I feel great! Joy is surging through me! This is amazing! Is this as expensive as you are?"

"God, no, actually waaaaaay cheaper. I am two hundred an hour. The Coca Cola is one dollar."

"One dollar! Holy hell! You're fired! Thanks, 'wife-left-me-for-my-job' forgetting-liquid!"

"...I have to stop telling people about Coke BEFORE I get paid. Oh well, I'll just have a sip... yep, I'm back! Happiness right here!"

You ever see someone pushing a cart full of two liter Cokes? How happy does that guy look? Sweating and panting through an air-conditioned grocery store pushing something that's on wheels. Look how happy he is! He should be in the commercials!

"Ah, I am the happiest person <inhales puffer> on the planet. I have twelve bottles of… <takes insulin needle> Agh! Twelve bottle of Coca Cola, and I couldn't be happier. You should all buy... " <Collapses on the floor. Doctors run in.>

"He's not breathing!"

"Get me a defibrillator!"

"Clear!"

<Doctors put the defibrillator to his chest. Man is jarred awake.>

"...Agh! Should all buy Coke! I know I'll keep doing it! Open Hap..." <Man passes back out.>

"That's it, we've lost him."

Voice Over: "Open Happiness!"

Coke knows, though, that that guy won't sell product, so what do they do? Beautiful women are shown drinking Coke. Cute kids are shown drinking Coke. Or – even better than that – polar bears! That is an ingenious way of marketing.

"Wait, we can't show HUMANS drinking this. Are you serious? It's terrible!"

"All right, all right. What about an animal drinking it!? People love animals! What about... polar bears?"

"Are you insane? Polar bears are going extinct! We can't give them carbonation. That'll be it for them!"

"Oh, you're right. People will never buy our product if we're killing polar bears with it. Wait! I got it! How about computer-generated polar bears?"

"...Wow. Now THAT'S why you were voted Most Evil at the Annual Billionaire Awards."

"That and kicking baby seals... hahhaha!"

"HAHAHHAH!"

Coke Cola is a 'Proud Sponsor of the Olympics'. The Olympics! Ahead of broccoli and water? Coke! A commercial will show a guy just crush a hundred meter dash, beating his previous record, then drink Coke. As soon as that commercial is done, you know his trainer is screaming.

"Spit that garbage out! Are you crazy!? We have a real race tomorrow!"

A baseball league full of ten year olds can run on Coke. An Olympic athlete? Not one trainer would have that as part of a regimen.

"What are we doing today, coach?"

"Couple of laps, few sit ups, and polish off that two liter."

"Umm... you know we're competing against pros, not Joes, right?"

"Do you know that I'M the trainer? DRINK THAT HAPPY COKE!"

Coca Cola also likes to go on about how refreshing it is. There is no way someone can tell me that Coca Cola is 'refreshing'. Refreshing? No way. Has anyone ever finished a marathon and reached for a Coke?

"Oh, God. I never thought that race would be over. My mouth is so dry. Where is one of the most sugary, carbonated beverages in the land to help quell this thirst?"

"Really?"

"Yeah. I said 'my mouth is dry'. I need refreshment. REFRESHMENT. What would you suggest if not a black liquid for such a predicament?"

"...Water? Or even Coke’s cousin..."

"THERE'S NO SUGAR IN WATER! REFRESHMENT!"

Coca Cola is cheaper than drugs and just about as addictive. The government decided that cigarettes were no good for adults or children for that reason. Way too addictive and easily obtained by people. What did they do? Put them behind a cabinet.

"If people can't see them, they won't want them!"

"Hey, can I have some cigarettes? I can't see them, but I'm addicted and therefore know they exist."

Coca Cola should be in a cabinet, too. It'll kill people! If we can't sell cigarettes to people without ID for fear it would hurt their health, we should have to check people’s medical history before they can buy Coke.

"What's behind that cabinet, sir?"

"Coke... if you want one, I'm gonna have to see your medical history."

"Here you go. <cough cough>"

"Says here you constantly have headaches and have trouble walking. Come on, buddy. Don't worry about what's back there. Can't help you."

I will never let my kids drink Coca Cola. When I have a kid one day, if I see them drinking one, I will boot the Coke out of their hand.

"Oww. Dad! Why did you do that?"

"You'll thank me when you can still breathe correctly at forty-two."

Coke profits by hurting and capitalizing on poor people. Do you think the people in charge of Coke are drinking Coke? Do you think rich people are drinking Coke? 
"Can you pick me up a Coke when you're in the Louis Vuitton store?"

"A Louis Vuitton Coke?"

"They have those!?"

"Oh, I hope so! I just got myself excited!"

I know that people will say, "If you don't like it, don't drink it." I don't, but that's not the point. People will also say, "Well, of course it's bad for us. If you drink a lot and get sick, that's your problem. Stop drinking it!" Why has Coke and things that are bad for us been able to make people who have no stake in the company defend them? Why always, "Stop drinking it, tubby!" Why aren’t there more arguments of, "Coke’s the problem. Let's burn the factory down! There is nothing good about it!" I can't be mad that poor, unhappy people buy a product that is marketed directly to them and sold at a price that is lower than dirt. I can however be mad at the company that makes it. 

Twitter- @nathanmacintosh

Points and point cards.

Collecting points has become a staple in how we live our lives. Cashiers everywhere will ask you if you have your points card.

"Do you have your card? Don't forget your points. You could have earned points for that! I'LL HOLD ONTO THEM FOR YOU!"

People lose their minds over these points as well. People get excited about their points even if they don't have any actual money.

"I have three hundred thousand points on my Slurpee card! I can finally get a free Big Gulp!"

"That's pretty cool."

"Yeah! Umm, do you mind driving me there? I don't have any money on my money points card."

"Wouldn't 'money points' just be money? And wouldn't a 'money points card' be a debit card?"

"I don't have time for this. Free Slurpee awaits!"

Just about every thing and everywhere has a point system now. Coffee shops, airlines, pharmacies, clothing stores, gas stations, book stores, credit cards. Everything! You can even get points from immigration! I bet soon there will be a hospital point system card.

"Okay, great! One more head injury and you'll have enough points for a free back operation! You almost have enough points to get a sex change, as well. Someone thinking of seeing what the other side is like?"

"Umm...I don't think so. When can I have these stitches taken out?"

"Well, right now if you want to cash in some points."

"Right now? Is that a good idea? You just put them in."

"In, out. Good medical advice, bad stitch taking out procedures, they're your points!"

You would think too that the points would somewhat correlate with money. That the amount of points you need to buy anything would be close to the amount of money needed. But is that the case? Nope. They have absolutely nothing to do with each other. The amount of points you have to have before you can get anything of interest is ridiculous.

"I have thirty six hundred points! What can I get for these?"

"Well, you can have this box of toothpicks and a stick of beef jerky. Or, you can use the whole thirty six thousand to get a bag of powered donuts!"

"Oh, sweet! How much will I be saving?"

"In real money? About two dollars and seventy cents."

"That's it? But,... I have thirty six THOUSAND points."

"I know! No need to count that useless amount of "money" change. You've got all those points!"

You know that these points are useless because you can't get anything for thirty of them. You can't get much for thirty cents, but it counts. You have thirty points? Doesn't matter. Thirty points in anything else matters. ONE point in a basketball game makes a big difference. ONE point in a hockey, baseball, football game matters. One point on a points card? That won't even get you a decent greeting from the person behind the counter.

"How many Q-Tips can I get with the twenty seven points I have?"

"What?"

"I have twenty seven points? I'm wondering about Q-tips."

"...those points won't even stop the door from hitting you on the way out."

"...will you?"

"Don't try to hit on me. It's pointless. Much like yourself."

All of these point systems need cards so you can use them. All plastic cards that are the exact same as debit cards and credit cards for some reason. Wallets are now just rammed with cards that mostly can't do anything.

"That will be ten dollars."

"Okay, I'll use debit. If I can find it. Nope, these are my butcher shop, tire rotation, lawn mowing, crown replacing, crutch fixing, and pant hemming point cards. That crutch fixing card is a life saver. Twelve hundred more points and I won't have to hobble everywhere. Either way, where the hell are my cards that have actual money?"

"I don't know sir, but you just earned fifty six points on your "holding up a line" card."

"Oh, really? Sweet! Let me find that card as well."

"Yeah... can you hurry up?"

Points are usually accumulated in games that are fun. You get points in card games. You get points in video games. And you get points for buying toilet paper? That's not a good time. Unless you had to shoot through a horde of zombies to buy it, you shouldn't get points for buying toothpaste.

"Hey, how many points did I just earn?"

"One hundred."

"One hundred? Didn't you see me hit both of those zombies over the head with a Swiffer? That's got to be worth at least a thousand a piece. That one almost bit my neck! I could have been a zombie!"

"Those were elderly people, and I have called the cops."

"Good! I'm glad. They'll be able to see I should have more points for this...wait, the real cops? Or the point cops?"

Points in other games don't cost money either. You just earn them. These companies will say, "earn points every time you shop." That makes it sound as if you will get points for shopping the best. As if you shop the fastest, you will get points.

"Whoa! All of your grocery shopping done in ten minutes? That's unbelievable! That deserves a thousand points!"

"I know! I did it by pushing over all the women and children in my way. One woman was holding her baby, and I said "Get out of the way of the Triscuits!" before shoving her into her own shopping cart. I tell you, it wasn't easy."

"Good for you! You really earned this thousand. That woman you pushed is going to be deducted five hundred for not keeping her balance. Now she'll know it's for real out here."

It just goes to show how much people want things for free. We will pay to have things for free. Pay! We will pay money to eventually get the things we are buying for free. You have to pay to get these points! That's not 'earning' points. That's "I bought these damn things". And now, all you have is money that doesn't exist to buy things that you were buying with money!

"Look, I can get a free trip to Florida! I have two million points!"

"How much did that cost to get?"

"Hmm. Probably twelve trips to Florida."

"Worth it?"

"...shut up."