Commercials are still here.

This is about commercials. Am I joking? Is it actually about something else and I told you it was a hard-hitting exposé on commercials to get you tuned in? Nope. It's about commercials. We all have to deal with these, as they are everywhere. You can't avoid them. Only place you can look to not see a commercial is in the sky, and I'm sure one day they'll have them playing up there like the Bat-Signal.

"Commissioner Gordon! You're trying to get ahold of Batman?"

"No. I'm showing Gotham how they can save money on their car insurance by switching to Geico."

During the Super Bowl, there were commercials that were about two minutes long. Over two minutes long. Over? There's no reason for a commercial to be this long. Why do we have to make commercials that are on their way to being as long as sitcoms? There's no reason for this. When would a commercial ever need to be this long?

"You know, I have no problem buying Coca Cola, I just wouldn't mind knowing a little bit more about it."

"Yeah, right? Like, who are the people who drink it? What do they do in their spare time? WHERE am I supposed to drink this? Concerts? Watching TV? At the beach?"

"Yeah. If only the commercials for it would let me know. Ah, screw it. I'm not buying it."

Commercials should never be over thirty seconds. There's just no reason for it. Movie trailers are longer than thirty seconds because they are trying to get us to go see something that is over an hour and a half long. Is this commercial a trailer for this product? Are we supposed to treat it like a movie release?

"What do you do when they're surrounding you? Who do you turn to when there's no one else to turn to? Who do you trust, when you can't trust anyone? Is this real? Are you real? Are they listening? Who are they? More importantly, who are you? ...This summer – Tide To Go Pens. Trust no stains."

"Honey! Tide To Go Pens are coming out this summer! You want to go wait in line now?"

For some reason, instead of commercials simply selling a product, they decided to tell us a story. A lot of the stories that are put into commercials now have almost nothing related to the product at all.

"It was winter, 1987. Jim had just poured himself a hot chocolate while waiting for his friends to come over. You're just like, Jim. You like hot chocolate, and you like friends. They finally arrived and watched A Fish Called Wanda. What a night it was. It was the first night that Jim met Sarah, but definitely not the last. Where did Jim's story end up? Let's just say, there's a little hot chocolate drinker running around somewhere now... Fritos. Grab a bag and fall in love."

Why must a lot of commercials be so elusive? Long stories that have short, grainy glimpses of what the product actually is. So you have to sit and decipher what is being said. Five minutes of skateboarding and you might think, "Huh. A commercial for skateboarding. Well, it's kinda dangerous, and I'm in my mid thirties, but I can give it a shot," only to find out that the commercial was actually for something that was faded out in the background.

"What? This commercial for skateboarding is actually about Post-it Notes? Why is there a commercial for Post-it Notes? We know that they're out there! And how are skateboarding and Post-it Notes connected?

Old Spice commercials have been copied almost completely by just about every company and directed towards men. Gillette, Hanes, Dr. Pepper. Commercials trying hilariously to play to our man side.

"You're a man, within a man, who's trying to break out of a man's body. Is that too much man? Of course not! How can there possibly be too much man? Women want a man who's also a man while being a man's man. Men love men who become men at the sight of a full men-oon while drinking Man-garitas. You've men-volved into a co-men-dable man who mans it up even on Mother's Day, which you have renamed 'Woman Who Had A Man Day'. Mountain Dew. Drink a man!"

Just about every commercial tries to be funny. Even commercials for scooters for the elderly have a tinge of humor in them.

"Are you old? Can't walk? How about drive! Attach this baby to the wall and float up your stairs like a ghost before you die and actually do it on the new 'Scoot-Scoot-Scooter'! This product is endorsed by Phil Collins."

The only commercials that are not trying to be funny are commercials that are telling you that starving people in Africa need money. Don't they know that humor sells?

"He's starving. Like starving-starving. Not like 'Hey, I've been drinking all night and could really use a pizza' starving, like 'Hey, I haven't drank in weeks and I don't know what a pizza is' starving. While you were busy trying to beat your high score on Angry Birds, he was busy mustering up enough energy to make it through another day. Send him a dollar, you idiot. What are you going to do with it? Buy another girl who doesn't want to have sex with you a drink? Feed a kid. Suck it."

When watching TV, commercials can be skipped if you have certain televisions. You can fast forward through them. It's pretty great if you really don't feel like seeing that Cheez Whiz commercial.

"All right, time to fast forward through this."

"Don't skip that! What if they've added something new? Like Chipotle Cheez Whiz? Or Pop Rock Ranch Whiz?"

"...Would you really eat either one of those?"

"...You're right."

Online, though, some commercials cannot be skipped. Watching a video on YouTube? Some will allow you to skip after a few seconds. Some, though, you just have to deal with. A minute and a half of a Honda commercial to get to a thirty-second video.

"How can a car commercial be longer than a video of a man being hit by a car? Oh. That's how."

A lot of car commercials boggle me as it is. Ford has commercials that show you if you wanted to drive a truck up Fire Mountain, you could. 

Why? Why in the hell would anyone drive up a mountain while having fire shot at him or her?

"I'm not sure why the only store in town that sells Ben and Jerry's Cherry Garcia is atop Mount Flame, but I do love that damn ice cream. Glad I have a Ford and not some other car that was not built to withstand ridiculously high temperatures for no reason."

Car commercials also like to show you where the car can go. Just shots of the car in places around town and the world, as if certain cars can only drive to certain places.

"Whoa! Look at the new Hyundai Sonata! It can drive downtown, to the beach, to the mall. It can even fit my friends inside of it! Wait, that's the end of the commercial? It didn't show it at the Knicks' game. I have tickets this weekend! Close but no cigar, Sonata. I'm a Knicks fan."

Twitter@nathanmacintosh

Same movies at the same times. Huh?

It doesn't happen every summer, but sometimes if you're lucky – like seeing a shooting star or seeing somebody refuse seconds at a buffet – you'll see it. And when you see it, you'll be shocked, wondering how such a ridiculous mistake could have been made. Two movies that are basically the same in theatres at the same time. How could this be? Does anybody here know the giant mistake they've made!?

"Hey, guys. Do you know that you have two of the same movie playing here?"

"Huh? No. There's no way."

"There is! Look! End of the world movie, and another end of the world movie!"

"...I can't believe. I'm calling Hollywood."

This summer, it appears to be Oblivion and After Earth. Not exactly the same, but close. One is Tom Cruise as a serviceman stationed on an abandoned Earth. Morgan Freeman is around doing something. The other is Will Smith and his son who crash land on Earth one thousand years after all humans have left the planet. So – not IDENTICAL, but two movies in theatres at the same time that are both about characters being on an abandoned Earth?

The posters for these movies even look similar. Tom Cruise head beside Morgan Freeman head. A broken down Earth behind them. Will Smith head beside Will Smith son head, a broken down Earth behind them. Which team will save Earth? Or get off of Earth? Or just deal with the broken down Earth that they have found better than the other team? This happens a decent amount. You'll go to the theatre and see a poster for a movie you swear has already been made.

"'Huge Mother's Apartment'? Huh. That sounds a lot like 'Big Momma's House'. Hmmm, the tagline for the movie says, 'This Movie Is Nothing Like Big Momma's House'. Well, I'm sold!"

Why would Hollywood put out two of the same movies at the same time? Maybe it happens because they want two actors for the same movie, and instead of telling one no, they just write one for him as well.

"You gave WHO the part? But I had promised it to this guy!"

"I'm sorry. I had to make a decision today. I gave it to this guy."

"Well, you're gonna be up all night writing another romantic comedy about two bus drivers because my actor has got to be in one. I promised! How can I promise him a romantic comedy about two bus drivers and not deliver?"

"Well how the hell will I write another romantic comedy about two bus drivers?"

"Different routes? Duh."

"...No wonder you drive a better car than me."

Maybe they just wanted to see what the movie would be like starring two different groups of actors. Ever talked with someone about what it would be like if Sylvester Stallone, or another actor, starred in Jurassic Park? Or some other movie? The ol' "imagine if Arnold was in Police Academy?" conversation. Hollywood is playing that game but actually putting the movies out!

"I've got a movie about magic that Edward Norton is going to star in. It's gonna be big."

"Huh. I wonder what it would be like if Christian Bale and Hugh Jackman starred in it?"

"What? But you haven't even seen the one with Edward Norton yet."

"And I'm sure it'll be great, but hey, Christian and Hugh! Change a few words in your script and I'll get them on the phone."

Hollywood could just be putting out two of the same movie to pit actors against each other. Maybe it's to see who can draw more money. Just put two actors in identical movies at the same time and see which one an audience will go to see.

"These are both very talented men. Who do you think audiences would rather see save a city from a meteor?"

"Huh. I'm not sure. We could put both of them in a movie about meteors and see which one does better at the box office?"

"Wait, make TWO movies about a man saving a city from a meteor, see which one does better at the box office, then reward the actor with the higher grossing film by putting him in ANOTHER movie where he saves a city from meteors?"

"...Do you have a better idea?"

"...You know what? I actually don't. Ah, it really upsets me that I don't."

From asking around, apparently this is done because one movie studio doesn't want another movie studio to have a hit movie that they don't have. So movie studios buy up any type of script that they know other studios have bought up. Your studio buys a script about demonic robots? Another studio will buy a similar script. What's ridiculous is that while one studio puts theirs into production, the other studio gets jealous and does the same thing.

"Huh, starting production on your 'murderous car in small town Iowa' movie starring Liam Neeson? Well, I guess it's time to start production on our 'vengeful motorcycle in medium sized county' movie starring Jason Statham. We'll see whose vehicle does better this summer."

There are many examples of these movies. Here are a few.

Deep Impact / Armageddon. In one movie, Bruce Willis lands on a meteor and blows it up. In the other, Morgan Freeman is the president and the meteor hits earth. One teaches you that Bruce Willis is a hard ass inside or outside the ozone layer, and the shows you that Morgan Freeman would not make a good President.

The Prestige / The Illusionist. One of these movies about magic stars Christian Bale and Hugh Jackman. Hugh can't figure out how Christian does his tricks and it is driving him crazy. The other stars Edward Norton where he uses magic to win the love of an old flame. Both out in 2006, both at the same time. That's too much magic.

Dante's Peak / Volcano. This pairing could be the best. In Volcano, Tommy Lee Jones lives in LA when a volcano erupts. I would say that he stops it, but how the hell do you stop lava? In Dante's Peak, Pierce Brosnan is chilling on Dante's Peak, which is apparently the second most desirable place to live in America. But it's about to erupt! What will he do? Use his good looks to look at the volcano and say, "Not today, eruption! See how good I look!"

Who knows what the next great pairing of the same movie will be, but you can believe that it's coming.

Twitter@nathanmacintosh

Waiting a day.

Jokes. People tell them all the time. When someone falls on his or her face, when a friend does something stupid. When your girlfriend gets a parking ticket.

"Wow, you parked there without looking at the signs? Should have gotten two tickets."

Jokes ease tension, calm situations and make things generally okay. These are usually done with people you know, though, about situations that are not life changing. When tragedies hit, people involved in them would not be making jokes. Not to friends, not to other people involved. But people online? Seems to be the first move.

I'm not saying that I don't think jokes should not be written about tragedies. I think they should. I don't see it as a bad thing, but – could we wait a day? Okay, with technology the way it is, a day is probably too long. An hour? Could we at least wait an hour? I saw a lot of the jokes, and I thought some were funny, but again, the first thought has to be how can I make this funny? That first hour, let's chill. Just write them down and pound them all out sixty minutes from the time of the event.

"Cool, an hour has gone by. I've written three pages of jokes. Twitter's gonna hate me for this, but here we go, seventy-eight tweets in a row."

If you were there and you had seen the explosion, people thrown around, would your first thought be, "Man, what is hilarious about this?" No, because if you were in the situation, you would care. When it's on a screen? We don't view it as anything. Can't we have some empathy for people? Why write jokes as people are still lying on the ground? While people are still bleeding. While people are still running around freaking out.

"Wow, that looks like a pretty insane situation... wait, was that guy who blew up wearing a Mickey Mouse t-shirt? Whoa, ho ho! Joke time!"

Again, I think jokes are great. I think there can be jokes made about any and every situation. But right away? First thing? This is just my opinion, but I think things should be sat on for a minute.

These jokes are never for the victims either. They're not written to help them. If jokes were what they needed right away, then the EMTs rushing onto the scene with bandages and painkillers, would also be holding a bag of one-liners.

"Breathe, breathe! You've just been in an accident. I'm going to elevate your legs and while I'm doing that, peruse through this bag of jokes about what has just happened to you written by 'rationalminded' on Twitter."

"...What? Why would I do that?"

"Who's the EMT here, sir? Now this is going to sound weird, but the only way to fix that broken arm is to use it to write limericks. Do you have a pen?"

These jokes are never written with the intent to help people, they are written to raise your own profile. 

People who write jokes about these things immediately, usually use the argument when people start to care about a tragedy that other tragedies are going on in the world that you are not talking about.

"There is stuff happening all over the world. Why care about this? What's the big deal with this one?"

Simply that it's close to home. Sounds terrible, but that's how it is. Do you think people in North Korea were discussing what was happening in Boston?

"Hey, you hear about the marathon explosions?"

"...Are we allowed to be talking?"

No. People talk about what happens where they live unless where they live is in a small town where nothing happens. Then they talk about everything.

"Hey, Tom. You hear about what's going on in India?"

"Of course I have, Ted. It's either read about that or stare out my window at some trees. That reminds me, did I tell you that there is a new squirrel living in my backyard?"

"A new squirrel? You don't say."

Also, the people who come at the argument with an aggressive 'Well, things happen all over the world, you care about it happening here but not on the other side of the earth?' NEVER care about any of it. They think you're dumb for caring or asking about a specific tragedy when the world is full of them, but they are never people who volunteer, donate money, help charities. Nothing. Just try to tell you how dumb you are for caring about anything.

People say that you should be able to deal with tragedy any way you want. Sure. Fair enough. But if you're writing jokes about a tragedy, you are probably not affected by said tragedy. I'm sure that people who were there, or had family there, were not sitting at their computers trying to come up with a hilarious quip in under 140 characters.

"Oh, man, my brother was in that race! Let's see. 'My brother always wanted to have an explosive running career. He got it!' There we go. Now, I'll go see if he's okay."

The people who are writing jokes probably don't have any ties to the event. It's the rest of us. Who have nothing to do with it, who write jokes about such things. And I get it. It's gonna happen. If it were the other way around, people would be writing jokes about the tragedy you're involved in. To say that jokes about tragedies during them helps, who does it help? Does it help the other people writing jokes? Does it help the victims?

"Hey, looks like you lost a hand, but look at this tweet from a guy who has no attachment to this at all..."

"Oww.... oh, man. That is pretty funny. Oww."

Personally, when there is a big tragedy, some sort of act of terror, I think that we should have a technology snow day. Just take a day, get off of the internet and spend time with the world. Because nobody who was running in the Boston Marathon would have EVER thought something insane like that was going to happen. All that shows is that anything can happen. You have no idea if you'll be involved in something like that. So a tragedy like that should remind people to hang out and appreciate what's going on in your life. 

Not that it matters, but when something tragic happens, I get off of Twitter completely. Jokes seem weird, saying anything not related to the tragedy seems weird, and also, it could have been us. Why not take a minute to enjoy life?

twitter @nathanmacintosh

Some people hate wrestling. Why?

Last weekend, I went to WrestleMania. Now, granted, I would have preferred to go as a kid. That was when I watched wrestling, and when I had more of an idea of what was going on. A friend of mine who never stopped watching, asked me if I wanted to go as it was in New Jersey this year. Even though I haven't watched wrestling in years, I agreed. I started watching again so I would have some idea of what was happening at Mania. It's not like NASCAR. There are storylines.

"Hey, why is number 49 trying to drive faster than number 17? Did 17 sleep with his wife?"

"I don't think so. He has to drive faster to win."

"Huh. I find the wife-sleeping story more interesting. Drive, number 49! He really gave it to her!"

WrestleMania was an amazing time, but since then, I've heard a lot of people say they hate wrestling.

One of the main arguments towards why people don't like it is that it's fake. People like to say that as if it's the first time you've ever heard it.

"Why would you watch that, man? He's not actually hitting him. Don't you know this is staged?"

Buddy, it's 2013. Everyone knows that wrestling is fake. To tell someone that they shouldn't like wrestling because it's fake today? You're the idiot here. It's like telling someone magic isn't real.

"Tada!"

"You didn't ACTUALLY make that card disappear. It's probably in your sleeve."

"... Your imagination is awful."

Who cares if it's fake? Is everything you watch real? Are you actually at war when you play Call of Duty? Is the Phantom of the Opera REALLY in that Broadway show? Is Dr. Who a documentary?

"Man, I love Dr. Who. The way he destroys these daleks. I'd love to meet him one day."

"...You mean the actor who plays him? He's not real, man."

"WHAT!? Actor? No! But he's right there! I can see him! Look, he's right there!"

Why is it so hard to suspend disbelief when it's wrestling? It is theatre with fighting. That is all.

People have no problem telling fans of wrestling that they're stupid. A lot of people feel that they are above wrestling, while there is a lot worse entertainment out there.

"Wrestling? That's insane. I watch The Voice, Can You Cut, Splash, Can You Splash, So You Think You Can Weld And Skateboard At The Same Time, Dancing With Eagles, Cook Your Face, Single Moms Of Kentucky, Wal-Mart Wars, and The Bachelor, but wrestling? That's just stupid."

Some people really don't like wrestling fans, but just about everyone likes at least ONE wrestler. You'd tell a guy wrestling is dumb, but see a wrestler you like and freak out.

"You like wrestling? That's some of the stupidest junk that ther... wait, is that The Rock? Rock! You're the best, Rock! I've seen like four of your movies!"

Why are wrestling fans thought of as some of the worst human beings on the planet? Because of how they dress? Just the simple fact that they like wrestling? Have you looked at EVERY fan of ANYTHING else? If you did, you'd probably be embarrassed at what you like.

"Oh my God. HE likes basketball? I can't be seen watching this junk. Guess I'll have to watch professional glass eating. Something only real cool guys watch."

If you went to hear an amazing lecture, one that was really intelligent and captivating, would it be deemed useless if the person who delivered it was a wrestling fan?

"Wow, that was really smart and engaging. I'm happy I got to hear it."

"Yeah. You know he's a wrestling fan, right?"

"What? A wrestling fan? Well, that changes everything he said. What a complete idiot!"

One great thing about wrestling, if you like it, and you go to it live, you get to experience it with thousands of screaming fans. No joke, live, wrestling is fantastic. People are yelling, chanting, screaming. And I would bet that it almost never turns violent. Why? Because people know it's fake! There's nothing to get serious about. It's fun. I went to a Devils game the night before Mania in Jersey and watched two guys argue with each other until they got kicked out. Why? Because apparently, hockey is a deadly serious issue.

"You don't like my team? You're a piece of trash and I wanna fight you."

"Oh yeah, man? Why don't you drop your foam finger and come say that to my face!"

No reason for that to happen at wrestling. And if you are just interested in TV shows, you will NEVER get the experience of being in a stadium with tons of fans to see them. Will Breaking Bad ever be shown to 80,000 people live?

"Ladies and Gentleman, thank you for coming to Breaking Bad live!"

"Get him, Walter! You're the one who knocks!"

"Shhhhhhh!"

"Shut up, loser! I'm trying to watch the show! And hey, buddy, can you put down your sign that says 'Jesse Forever!' I can't see! Oh, God. The wave? I'm trying to concentrate."

You can't chant at someone else when they invite you over to watch a show.

"Thanks for coming, guys. Oh! The show's starting!"

"LET'S GO, GAME OF THRONES! <Clap, clap, clap clap clap> LET'S GO, GAME O... nobody?"

"...Please leave."

ANYTHING you like is considered stupid to somebody else. That's just how things work.

"I love Breton crackers."

"What are you, dumb? They're too big. They don't make cheese in a shape that would go on a Breton cracker. Round cracker, square cheese. Honestly, it's insane."

Everything is stupid to somebody, but you have to like something.

Twitter @nathanmacintosh

The world is overpopulated?

Over the last couple of years, I've been in conversations with people about the earth's overpopulation. Apparently, there are too many of us. Yep, that's right. Some of us just should not, or are not supposed to be here. Were YOU the one to tip the scale? The kid you had?

"And today's top story, the Hermans had a little baby boy today. Why is this a top story? Well, because newborn Chris Herman has pushed the earth's population into the unlivable. Oh, wait! This just in, an old woman was beaten to death for her change purse on a Wisconsin interstate. We are back to a livable number."

Why just people? There are a lot of dogs. Maybe there are too many dogs. Do you have a dog? Maybe it's time to throw that dog into the street and get the numbers down.

"You've always been good to me, Sparkles, but there's just too many of you. I'll try to make sure you land on a car when I throw you off the balcony."

"Arrrfffff!"

Are there really too many people on the planet? I think it's an excuse.

People use the overpopulation argument as an excuse to not have kids. I've heard people say they're not having kids because there are too many people on earth. Wow. You're taking that upon yourself, Captain Planet? Were you planning on having as many kids as there are residents of Cleveland? No? Then not having one kid probably isn't going to help very much.

"So that future generations don't have to stand on each other, I'm not going to have kids."

"That's great! We could use four hundred thousand less people on the planet."

"Four hundred thousand? What am I, a roach? I was talking about not having one."

"One? You think not having one kid is going to help anything? Listen, man, have the kid. Have three. Hey, Hal! You hear this guy? One kid. One! Hurt the earth more to throw a plastic six-pack holder on the ground. One! Oh, man. That's rich."

"I don't want to have kids because the earth doesn't need anymore." 

Get over yourself. Are you serious? You're doing that for the earth? Just say you don't want kids! You're allowed to think that! Overpopulation seems to be the new 'not ready' for kids.

"Honey, I want to have a baby. We've been together for awhile and I think we're old and mature enough."

"I thought this would come up. Aggghhhh, look. I was in the mall today and there were people everywhere! I'm talking wall-to-wall, 'I-wasn't-alone-in-any-store' people! I just don't think this world needs another face eating at Baskin Robbins."

"So you're saying you can't have a kid because there is no space in the mall?"

"I couldn't even get to the khakis! You know how much I like khakis. I had to just stare at them through people's arms. I just think until it cools down a little bit out there, we should chill."

People say that they don't want to have kids because there's not enough space on the planet. Is it just people taking up all this space? Why not stop Starbucks? There are a lot of those around. They're taking up a lot of space, and you can't even have conversations with them.

"I don't know what's wrong with me. I have a good job, my girl's cool. I just can't get happy. Do you know what I mean, 'building on the corner of Main and Church'?"

"..........."

"Yeah. I don't have any answers either. Hey, have you seen Breaking Bad?"

"..........."

"You are a tough nut to crack, building."

People really don't think there's enough space on the planet?

"Where is everyone gonna go? There are people everywhere. Everywhere! I can't walk down aisle two when I want! I can't even open my car doors. I have to live in my car!"

Where's everyone gonna go? I don't know. Most of Canada? Middle America? There's open space everywhere! I'm sure there is some space in Iceland we could move some people to. Greenland. Newfoundland. Any of the places that end in 'land'. Any place where hunting is a recreational activity, there is space.

"You know, I just went hunting and I didn't see one person. Just a bunch of trees. Offer a tree a beer, see what happens. Rude ass tree just looks at you."

You can actually say there's no space? Have you gone everywhere? You've been all over the world and done censuses? Or did you just go to a crowded area, someone bumped into you and you decided that some people deserve to die?

"Man, I can't believe it. That guy bumped into me and spilled my Jamba Juice all over my shirt. There are too many people on this planet. That guy should be set on fire!"

Just because you saw a lot of people in a McDonalds doesn't mean there isn't space on the planet for everyone. You live in a place where there are tons of people. That doesn't mean there's no space at all.

Overpopulation has apparently also given rise to adoption. People say that they don't want to have kids because there are kids who need to be adopted.

"There are tons of kids out there. Do I REALLY need to have my own? Some mother had one, tossed it in a dumpster. One mother's trash is another mother's high school graduate. I'll just dust this one off and raise it."

"Really? It has a beef jerky wrapper stuck to it."

"I said I'll dust it off."

Sure, there are kids out there who need to be raised. That's good of you to do it. But if you're gonna do it, just do it! There's no need for the reason, definitely if the reason is overpopulation.

If overpopulation is even a legitimate argument, then we should find a way to make kids that isn't so fun. Right now? The activity is amazing. Sex is great. Maybe just change the name from sex. That might get people to calm down on wanting to do it.

"Yo, you see that girl over there, man?"

"Yeah. She's hot."

"I wanna 'maybe make a baby' with her tonight'."

"...Are you sure?"

"...Yeah, you're right. Let's just go get some sex."

"Waffles?"

"Waffles."

The overpopulation argument suggests that we should start thinning people out. That we have to control this. Really? We're just gonna decide who stays and who goes? Who's able to have kids and who isn't? Where do we start, bud? What's the application like to be on of the 'people who are not blown away just for being born' list?

"Here is your application."

"Hmmm. Question one. Have you ever liked a tweet, but didn't retweet it just because you were angry about how good it was? Well, sure. Once or twice."

"You have failed. We do not want your kind here. Please throw yourself off of that cliff."

Here's a quick way to see if you would be on the list if we started thinning people out. If you've talked about overpopulation at a bar, you are NOT on the list. You are not on the ship. Neither am I. If thinning people out is because of overpopulation is an actual conversation being had, it's taking place between billionaires behind move away bookshelves. Not over Pabst Blue Ribbon on patio furniture.

Twitter @nathanmacintosh

If you're between fourteen and twenty five, the world is for you.

I have gotten mad over the years about remakes of movies and music. I just can't help but get angry. Sometimes I stop dead in the middle of a theatre hallway, almost dropping my popcorn, staring at a poster for a movie that I know came out when I was a kid. Have I gone back in time? Was there a portal I stepped through at the ticket ripping station?

"Ticket, sir... your movie is right through this swirling vortex and to the right. You might want to leave your watch here. The vortex doesn't treat them nice."

Nope. It's a poster for a remake. A remake of a very popular movie. Why remake a movie that was good in the first place?

"Let's remake Total Recall."

"Why? The first one was great. Shouldn't we remake a movie that flopped? Let's take a second crack at The Love Guru."

"Ugh. Why? I hated that movie."

"Exactly!"

I realized, though, there is nothing to be mad at. If I live long enough, I'll see this happen three or four times. That's how it seems to be. Everything that was once popular just keeps getting made. Movies, music, clothing. All of it.

Everything that was once popular gets recycled so that fourteen to twenty five year olds can be entertained. Everyone in that age group seems to be entertained by the same things. The same way that babies are. You know how it was figured out years ago that a rattle would keep a baby entertained, therefore we kept making the rattle and parents kept buying the rattle? Same idea. We figured out musically and movie wise what would keep fourteen to twenty five years olds entertained as well, and we keep using it, just changing the packaging a bit.

"Quick! This fifteen year old is getting bored. What can we do?!"

"Well, when I was fifteen and bored, I listened to Madonna."

"Hmmm, it's good stuff, but Madonna looks like the woman that cleaned my hotel room. Anyone younger doing something similar?"

"Yeah, actually!  Lady Gaga."

"Woa. La..dy...Ga...Ga. Huh. Sounds younger. No more super pouty fifteen year old! Now just pouty."

Right now, Justin Bieber is massive, but he's been here before. In the nineties his equivalent for people between fourteen and twenty-five was the Backstreet Boys and 'N Sync. In the eighties, it was Debbie Gibson and Tiffany. It's all the same. Backstreet Boys now would be considered old men to the new generation. One day, though, that'll be the same with Justin Bieber.

"Hey, kids! You want to go see Justin Bieber this weekend?"

"Wow, Dad. What is he, like, thirty-eight now? It's 2034. He's probably had hip replacements. Why don't you just take us to the Carousel of Progress?"

"...That was gonna be my second option. (<Looks at himself in the rearview mirror>) You thought you were a cool dad, huh? You're a damn failure!"

Basically the same artists come along every couple of years. Right down to the look. Bieber wore overalls with one strap hanging down. Do we remember just about every RnB singer with that album cover from the nineties? It was almost a prerequisite.

"Okay. You've got the look, the voice and the music. But something just isn't quite right... I got it! You don't have your obligatory 'overall, one strap down while looking off into the distance' album cover! It says, 'I'm good with my hands AND what I got downstairs'."

"But I wear suits. I don't think that look will work for me."

"Do you want to look sexy and dangerous? Do you want to survive the nineties? One strap down, bud."

The only thing that gets said now is that the 'new' people took what the older generation did and reinvented it.

"This new generation of pop stars have really reinvented the genre."

Reinvented it? What does that mean? They made new instruments and sounds? They found a new way for ears to hear things? They sing in a way that no one has sung before?

"I can't use these instruments to make this music. EVERYONE uses these."

"What do you suggest?"

"Hmmm. Boil down this guitar, drum sets, saxophone and piano together. Let the rubble cool down, and then freeze it for two weeks. Let it thaw out and THAT'S the instrument I'll use."

"But I just bought this guitar."

"Boil it!"

Even ads are for the thirteen to twenty-five market. If the ad isn't, the ad is telling an older person how they can and should be younger.

"Remember when you were nineteen? Well, so does Oil of Olay. You grew up, but that can change. Your face doesn't have to look like a trucker's back. Now, we have invented a cream that tells Father Time to suck it, and brings youth back to that old hacky sack with lips you carry around on your head. Oil Of Olay, your age is gross."

The only ads for older people are about not being able to get to the bathroom or retirement.

"Hey. Are you old? Almost dead? Can you feel the Grim Reaper in the room with you at all times, just waiting for you to make a mistake at the top of the basement stairs? Scary, huh? Though, not nearly as scary as what you'll do ten years from now if you don't have any money! Here at Citibank, we want to make sure that if the Grim Reaper is watching you, it's while you're buying drinks in Miami for younger women. Who knows. Maybe he'll wing man? Invest with Citibank. Pass with cash."

Right now, it's the coolest thing in the world for people under twenty-five to dress the way that people my age did in the nineties. High top fades, t-shirts with Steve Urkel on them, high top sneakers. Basically, the wardrobe that was used for Do The Right Thing and White Men Can't Jump has been copied thousands of times and sent back out to people. 

The best part is, people who are that age think you're a loser if you don't wear it now.

"Oh, a fitted hat? Naw, man. We do snapbacks over here."

"Yeah, I wore those already. When I was a kid. In the nineties. They came out for us. Matter of fact, you're wearing a hat I had in grade three! That's my hat!"

"I bought this "

"No. That stuff was made for me already. I already did it!"

If you have a younger brother or sister, clothes and toys are passed down to them. It's as if the world is doing that with music and movies. Pop culture is 'hand me down'.

"Hey, don't throw out that movie idea. What, you're the ONLY group of fourteen to twenty five year olds that gets to see Top Gun? Not all of them have seen it yet. They're still being born! When you're done with it, make a newer one for the next generation."
"Ah, man, couldn't they just watch the old Top Gun?"
"Look, they need actors in it they can relate to. Did YOU want to watch and old Top Gun? Would you have watched Top Gun if it starred Charleton Heston?"
"... No, ma'am."

Twitter @nathanmacintosh

The Beatles. Untold stories?

I read an article about a Beatles movie that came out recently. It is about the band's fan club secretary, and is sold as an untold story. Are there really any more stories of The Beatles to be told? Have we not heard all of the stories that we need to hear? Are there not countless books, articles and interviews done about these men? What is left?

"January 12th, 1962, The Beatles walked into my diner. Okay, this story gets crazy from here. Paul asked for a cup of coffee. I had JUST given away the last cup of coffee, so I asked him if it was okay if he had to wait five minutes. He thought about it then said, 'YES!' Oh, man. Wasn't that story great?"

I am not a fan of the Beatles. Never really have been. I like some of their work individually, but together? Don't care for it. This makes some people livid. They'd rather here you're a fan of criminals.

"You don't like The Beatles? Are you insane?"

"What are you so mad about? It's not like I said I'm a fan of Jerry Sandusky."

"THAT I could understand more. Some kids are cute. But, my god. Not liking The Beatles? Just disgusting."

I used to get into arguments with people about how I believe Michael Jackson to be better than The Beatles. This argument doesn't even make sense. They are two completely different things, but the reason it would happen is because people wanted to know who I thought was good if I wasn't a fan of The Beatles. But, in this particular case, I can say that Michael Jackson was better than The Beatles for one major reason. He was better because he owned everything that The Beatles sang. He owned the catalog! Paul McCartney couldn't hum the song Yesterday without asking Michael if he could do so. Michael owned the entire catalog!

"Michael, look. I have a concert tonight and I need... God, I hate this... I want to sing a song that I wrote in the sixties."

"Well, Paul. Let me se..."

"It's my song, for God's sake! I wrote it!"

"Sorry, I couldn't hear because the receipt for the catalog I bought got jammed in one of my many zippers. What was that?"

If I own everything you have, I'm better than you. That's just how the world works. If I own all of your clothes and you have to come to me to ask to wear one of your shirts, who's on top in that situation?

One frustrating thing about The Beatles is that a lot of people who are not old enough to have been around when they were have crazy thoughts about what they have done. These mythic tales about what wasn't around before The Beatles. I told a girl once that I didn't like The Beatles. Her response?

"You don't like The Beatles? What are you, stupid? The Beatles invented rock and roll. Without them, there would be no other bands at all."

No other bands at all? There wouldn't have been any? What else does she think The Beatles invented?

"Paul McCartney built the first guitar out of toothpicks. Bet ya didn't know that! Did you know that people had never actually held hands before The Beatles sang I Want To Hold Your Hand? Nobody had thought about it before. Then they did it and said, 'Oh. This is really nice. Thanks, Beatles!"

Why is this the only band that people have these ridiculous thoughts about? Did they help rock and roll? Yes. Influenced countless bands? Yes. But invented? Invented! Jesus. We don't say that James Brown invented dancing, yet he influenced just about everyone famous you know who dances. There wouldn't have been a Michael Jackson without him. Without Michael? No Usher, Ginuwine, Justin Timberlake. Why don't we say James Brown invented dancing? Why isn't that what's said?

"Man, I've had a crush on Sarah since grade eight. I'm gonna ask her to slow 'James Brown' at the James Brown."

"Oh, man. At the high school 'James Brown'? You're gonna ask her to slow 'James Brown'?"

"Yeah, man. Maybe it'll be to a 'dance' song."

"Is that a 'James Brown' song?"

"...I'm confused as hell."

My ex-girlfriend was a fan of The Beatles. Once we were on the streetcar, and for some reason we were arguing about them. 'Some reason' is a ridiculous statement. The reason was me, for sure. Anyway, we were talking about it and she had one of these thoughts about them.

"Look, Nathan, before The Beatles, no one even danced."

Now, before I could say anything, a guy on the streetcar jumped in.

"Look, I don't care about your guy's argument, and it's none of my business, but people danced before The Beatles."

Of course people danced before The Beatles! In the forties when people heard music, you think they just stood there?

"You know, I'm feeling something listening to this twelve piece band, but I don't know how to express it."

"I know exactly what you mean. My suspenders just blew off from the beautiful sounds that are coming my way, and my snidely whiplash mustache flew off and is now doing some kind of contortion on the floor."

"I saw that! What would you call that?"

"I really don't know. I only hope that one day someone comes along who makes it possible for myself and my kids to move that way."

"Here, here. To a better, more physical future."

I feel that people just go along with the idea that The Beatles are the best. There are a lot of people in their twenties who love The Beatles without even asking questions about them. People were told they were the best and just went along with it. 'Oh, everyone else likes them? Okay. I'll get a t-shirt.' Barely happens with anything else.

"What's the best phone in the store?"

"I'd say the iPhone 5."

"Really? Are you sure? What about that VCR-sized Samsung Galaxy? That's not the best? I'm gonna go ask around and read some message boards. Wouldn't want to make any rash decisions."

Saying The Beatles is the best band is like saying Hulk Hogan is the best wrestler or that Lil Wayne is the best rapper. That Transformers 3: Dark of the Moon is the best movie. The most popular things are not always the best.

Also, why does everyone in their twenties who likes The Beatles have to dress exactly the same? Is it a special club that only people who like Abbey Road can enter?

"I think I'm going to buy this plaid shirt."

"HEAR THIS, MORTAL. THY WHO DARES BUY PLAID MUST KNOW AT LEAST TWO SONGS FROM SGT. PEPPER'S LONELY HEARTS CLUB BAND."

"What... where is that booming voice coming from? I don't listen to The Beatles, I just want some plaid."

"NOT GOOD ENOUGH! RECITE COME TOGETHER NOW OR BE STRUCK DOWN WITH CORDUROY!"

For some reason as well, The Beatles will come on in bar, and people act as if it's newer than songs that came out last year.

"Oh, man! Yellow Submarine! Wooo! Haven't heard this in awhile."

"Yeah, I liked the last song, too."

"That Jay-Z song? Ugh, so old. God, what was that, from 2004?"

"...You know this Beatles song is from the sixties, right?"

"No! It's on right now! It's now!"

This turned into rambling, but back to my first point. There are no more untold stories of The Beatles. The only ones left are the stories from the afterlife. That's it. And even is we could talk John Lennon in the afterlife, people are so hard for Beatles stories that that would be what all of the questions were about.

"Ladies and gentleman, this is unbelievable. On todays' program, we have John Lennon from beyond the grave! John! Thank you so much for joining us. First question, what was it like being in The Beatles?"

"What? Umm, it was fun, I suppose. I hav..."

"Oh, that's amazing! Tell us, what's Paul like? Does he push people hard? Is he REALLY that talented?"

"... Are you really going to ask me questions about The Beatles? I've been dead for thirty three years! Do you know how hard it was to make this interview happen? Do you have any idea what I went through to get here? There's a chain of command on this side! You think you can just fly over to the cloud that has the satellite feed? Don't you care what's it like on this side? Don't you have any questions about that?"

"... I kinda feel that the afterlife would feel that way that it does to listen to Help! on a road trip. Is that what it feels like?"

"That's it. I'm outta here. I hope all of my messages of peace and love never got through to anyone and that you get hit by a bus."

Twitter @nathanmacintosh