Commercials are still here.

This is about commercials. Am I joking? Is it actually about something else and I told you it was a hard-hitting exposé on commercials to get you tuned in? Nope. It's about commercials. We all have to deal with these, as they are everywhere. You can't avoid them. Only place you can look to not see a commercial is in the sky, and I'm sure one day they'll have them playing up there like the Bat-Signal.

"Commissioner Gordon! You're trying to get ahold of Batman?"

"No. I'm showing Gotham how they can save money on their car insurance by switching to Geico."

During the Super Bowl, there were commercials that were about two minutes long. Over two minutes long. Over? There's no reason for a commercial to be this long. Why do we have to make commercials that are on their way to being as long as sitcoms? There's no reason for this. When would a commercial ever need to be this long?

"You know, I have no problem buying Coca Cola, I just wouldn't mind knowing a little bit more about it."

"Yeah, right? Like, who are the people who drink it? What do they do in their spare time? WHERE am I supposed to drink this? Concerts? Watching TV? At the beach?"

"Yeah. If only the commercials for it would let me know. Ah, screw it. I'm not buying it."

Commercials should never be over thirty seconds. There's just no reason for it. Movie trailers are longer than thirty seconds because they are trying to get us to go see something that is over an hour and a half long. Is this commercial a trailer for this product? Are we supposed to treat it like a movie release?

"What do you do when they're surrounding you? Who do you turn to when there's no one else to turn to? Who do you trust, when you can't trust anyone? Is this real? Are you real? Are they listening? Who are they? More importantly, who are you? ...This summer – Tide To Go Pens. Trust no stains."

"Honey! Tide To Go Pens are coming out this summer! You want to go wait in line now?"

For some reason, instead of commercials simply selling a product, they decided to tell us a story. A lot of the stories that are put into commercials now have almost nothing related to the product at all.

"It was winter, 1987. Jim had just poured himself a hot chocolate while waiting for his friends to come over. You're just like, Jim. You like hot chocolate, and you like friends. They finally arrived and watched A Fish Called Wanda. What a night it was. It was the first night that Jim met Sarah, but definitely not the last. Where did Jim's story end up? Let's just say, there's a little hot chocolate drinker running around somewhere now... Fritos. Grab a bag and fall in love."

Why must a lot of commercials be so elusive? Long stories that have short, grainy glimpses of what the product actually is. So you have to sit and decipher what is being said. Five minutes of skateboarding and you might think, "Huh. A commercial for skateboarding. Well, it's kinda dangerous, and I'm in my mid thirties, but I can give it a shot," only to find out that the commercial was actually for something that was faded out in the background.

"What? This commercial for skateboarding is actually about Post-it Notes? Why is there a commercial for Post-it Notes? We know that they're out there! And how are skateboarding and Post-it Notes connected?

Old Spice commercials have been copied almost completely by just about every company and directed towards men. Gillette, Hanes, Dr. Pepper. Commercials trying hilariously to play to our man side.

"You're a man, within a man, who's trying to break out of a man's body. Is that too much man? Of course not! How can there possibly be too much man? Women want a man who's also a man while being a man's man. Men love men who become men at the sight of a full men-oon while drinking Man-garitas. You've men-volved into a co-men-dable man who mans it up even on Mother's Day, which you have renamed 'Woman Who Had A Man Day'. Mountain Dew. Drink a man!"

Just about every commercial tries to be funny. Even commercials for scooters for the elderly have a tinge of humor in them.

"Are you old? Can't walk? How about drive! Attach this baby to the wall and float up your stairs like a ghost before you die and actually do it on the new 'Scoot-Scoot-Scooter'! This product is endorsed by Phil Collins."

The only commercials that are not trying to be funny are commercials that are telling you that starving people in Africa need money. Don't they know that humor sells?

"He's starving. Like starving-starving. Not like 'Hey, I've been drinking all night and could really use a pizza' starving, like 'Hey, I haven't drank in weeks and I don't know what a pizza is' starving. While you were busy trying to beat your high score on Angry Birds, he was busy mustering up enough energy to make it through another day. Send him a dollar, you idiot. What are you going to do with it? Buy another girl who doesn't want to have sex with you a drink? Feed a kid. Suck it."

When watching TV, commercials can be skipped if you have certain televisions. You can fast forward through them. It's pretty great if you really don't feel like seeing that Cheez Whiz commercial.

"All right, time to fast forward through this."

"Don't skip that! What if they've added something new? Like Chipotle Cheez Whiz? Or Pop Rock Ranch Whiz?"

"...Would you really eat either one of those?"

"...You're right."

Online, though, some commercials cannot be skipped. Watching a video on YouTube? Some will allow you to skip after a few seconds. Some, though, you just have to deal with. A minute and a half of a Honda commercial to get to a thirty-second video.

"How can a car commercial be longer than a video of a man being hit by a car? Oh. That's how."

A lot of car commercials boggle me as it is. Ford has commercials that show you if you wanted to drive a truck up Fire Mountain, you could. 

Why? Why in the hell would anyone drive up a mountain while having fire shot at him or her?

"I'm not sure why the only store in town that sells Ben and Jerry's Cherry Garcia is atop Mount Flame, but I do love that damn ice cream. Glad I have a Ford and not some other car that was not built to withstand ridiculously high temperatures for no reason."

Car commercials also like to show you where the car can go. Just shots of the car in places around town and the world, as if certain cars can only drive to certain places.

"Whoa! Look at the new Hyundai Sonata! It can drive downtown, to the beach, to the mall. It can even fit my friends inside of it! Wait, that's the end of the commercial? It didn't show it at the Knicks' game. I have tickets this weekend! Close but no cigar, Sonata. I'm a Knicks fan."

Twitter@nathanmacintosh