1. Breaking Bad doesn't complain.
Your relationship used to be really fun. The two of you would laugh at old lines from Dumb And Dumber, hold hands while going through airport security, and literally agree on everything. Now? Not the same. It's just complaining and disagreeing.
'This food sucks.' 'Oh, maybe you can order better.' 'Well, I wouldn't choose John's Pizza and Chess Board Repair Shop!' 'Get off my back! I wanted pizza and needed the chess board fixed!'
'I hate how I look.' 'You look great.' 'What do you know, stupid? You're an idiot. I look bad to strangers. Obviously I look good to a person who sees me everyday.'
'That guy's a piece of garbage. Why do you talk to him?' 'Because he's my DAD! I've told you that!'
'Why couldn't you get hard?! You don't find me attractive?!' 'It had nothing to do with you, okay? It's been a weird day.'
Breaking Bad doesn't do that. Breaking Bad is fine with the food you've ordered, your dad, and always makes you sexually aroused.
2. Breaking Bad doesn't suck in bed.
When your relationship started, the sex was great. Sometimes you didn't even wait to get home from Chili's. You just did it right there in the parking lot on a burrito wrapper. Now? You wait until you get home from that Chili's and it is not worth the wait. Nobody brings anything to bed. No enthusiasm at all. During, you both start to wish you still had just one last bite of the Spicy Grilled Shrimp Tacos you ordered. Man, they were good. Remember when this sex used to be? Breaking Bad always brings it when you take it to bed. You lay down with Breaking Bad, and you know you're getting its A game. It's not gonna hold out on that move you love until your birthday. Breaking Bad treats every night likes it's your birthday. Except The Fly episode. That one doesn't care if it's your double birthday.
3. Breaking Bad can't drive, but if it could, it would have picked you up when it said it was going to.
So you get drunk beyond repair and are thrown out of a bar head first by a man who looks like a failed wrestler. Your shoes blow off, its raining, and you're so drunk pizza guys won't even serve you. You call your partner to come pick you up. They say, "Of course," they'll be there in ten minutes. Fifteen minutes go by. Then twenty. So much time goes by you start to sober up. By the time your partner does finally show, you're not even drunk anymore. You just have a headache and want waffles. Breaking Bad wouldn't have done that. It would have picked you up in ten minutes while you were still good and smashed, and entertained you the whole way home.
4. Breaking Bad isn't pressuring you into marrying it.
You've been in your relationship for awhile, and you can officially say that it's serious. It's serious because there is no more fun attached to it. None. Fun has been replaced with, 'When are we gonna get married? I need to get married. I'm on a schedule!' What fun! Your partner's twenty nine, and her parents have been barking at her since she was twenty five to stop messing around and settle down. They call her and let her know when there is a jewelry sale at Macy's and that she should tell you to buy a ring. What a great text! 'A little bird told me that engagement rings are on sale. Hint hint.' A little bird told you this sucks. Breaking Bad, however, doesn't even care if you watch it. But when you decide to, it's right there, ready to accept your relationship for what it is. You don't want to watch its whole five years? Cool. You can even watch some seasons of 'Who's the Boss' if you want. Tell your partner you'd like to step out and watch another girls episodes. Just try it.
5. Breaking Bad has five good years. You guys have had two good dates.
Yep. Two good dates. Remember those? First date you went bowling. A kid in the lane next to you dropped his chicken fingers, and your date bought him some more. You fell in love right there. He showed he's good with kids. Then, three dates later, he revealed his major drinking problem while you were on a wine tasting tour. He got loaded on a Merlot from Australia and starting cursing out the tour guide. The next two years went much the same. You loved him because of the chicken finger thing so you tried to help him. The only other good date was the one you had with yourself the day you finally got him to go into rehab. Breaking Bad has only given you one bad night. The Fly episode. Sure it wasn't great, but it didn't throw up on four bath mats that you bought.
6. Breaking Bad doesn't argue with you in front of a bar.
You're at a bar with your partner in the relationship that you can barely handle. You ask him if he wants another bowl of pretzels. He doesn't hear you. He then turns and says, 'Hey, I want to get some more pretzels.' This is the fourth time he hasn't heard you.
"I just asked you if you wanted some. You didn't hear me? You never listen to me."
"What? I just didn't hear you. Whatever. I'm gonna get some wings."
"Wings? No way! You said you were gonna go to the gym. Real men have abs, not Cheeto dust in their stomach hair!"
"Oh yeah? Real men also don't date women they barely find attractive."
You snap. The bartender asks you both to leave. You go outside and continue screaming at each other, calling each other whores in front of a group of people who were enjoying cigarettes a minute ago, but now are enjoying cigarettes and watching you both yell and cry. Now, isn't Breaking Bad better than this?
"I just asked you if you wanted some. You didn't hear me? You never listen to me."
"What? I just didn't hear you. Whatever. I'm gonna get some wings."
"Wings? No way! You said you were gonna go to the gym. Real men have abs, not Cheeto dust in their stomach hair!"
"Oh yeah? Real men also don't date women they barely find attractive."
You snap. The bartender asks you both to leave. You go outside and continue screaming at each other, calling each other whores in front of a group of people who were enjoying cigarettes a minute ago, but now are enjoying cigarettes and watching you both yell and cry. Now, isn't Breaking Bad better than this?
Twitter @nathanmacintosh
