Don't marry the first person you sleep with.

It's 2012, but there are people out there who still think it's 1940. What do I mean? That there are still people out there who get married right out of high school, or to the person they were dating in junior high. Wow. Are you guys waiting for the Titanic? Is polio still a constant fear in your home? Do you call movies 'talkies'? Then why would you get married at the same age that people who dealt with these things would? Want to start using typewriters again? Have a black and white TV with one channel? Have to hide under your desk during bomb drills? Then don't get married to the first person you date!

Marrying the first person you are with – having no reference points at all – should not be allowed to happen. We don't let brand new drivers take control of a car until they have driven with someone else for a while. We don't let anyone who has a license for a gun just go out and buy a sniper rifle right away. We'd spend more time talking to someone about the difference between phones than we would talking to them about their marrying choices.

"Hey, man, are you sure you want to marry Lisa? I mean… you've never been with anyone else."

"Yeah, I'm sure."

"...Okay."

"Hey, can you tell me some differences between the iPhone and the Android?"

"Can I?! Oh, man. I hang out in stores I don't even work in, wearing a polo in the hopes that someone will ask me a question like this. Now where do I begin? First off, don't just settle for the first phone you get. New phones come out every few months and just because you love yours, that doesn't mean that there isn't a better one out there. This could also be said for other areas of your life. Not your wife, though. You said you're sure."

Most of the world won't let gay people get married, which is completely ridiculous, but will let people with no experience at all do it? How does that make any sense? If marriage has such sanctity around it, why let people who have no prior experience in that door? You can't even get a job without experience, but you can get married?

"Do you have any prior restaurant experience?"

"Nope, none. I've been really nice to people, though, for pretty much my whole life."

"Okay... I don't know if that qualifies you. I don't believe you'll be a good fit here at Boston Pizza."

"Oh, okay. I really just wanted a job to pay for my wedding to my first girlfriend coming up."

"Oh, wow! Marrying the first one, huh? Congrats! That is really good news. I mean… you still can't work here, but you and your new wife can come in and eat whenever you like. Here are some coupons."

When I was fourteen, I thought I was going to marry my first girlfriend. Why? I was a tiny boy! I had nothing to compare it to. A girl liked me, I liked her, and I thought we were in love and could not think of a life past that point without her. Also, she was the first person to touch me. It just made sense to me that she was the person I was destined to be with.

"None of these other fourteen year old girls are touching it. She has to be the one for me! That's how this works, right? Someone play 'Country Grammar' again. I've found my wife!"

Then conversely, when we broke up, I thought I'd never find another human again! Why? I was a tiny boy! I had nothing to compare it to, which led me to think it was all over for me.

"Well, I found the one at fourteen and she left me at fourteen. I peaked early, but at least I know she's out there. Now, to bag groceries in a grocery store and head back to my bachelor apartment alone for the rest of my life. 'Fourteen was the peak year,' I'll tell my cat."

If you're going to marry the first person you're with, why not keep the first job you ever have? Why not? I'm sure you can fall in love with that job if you have had no other jobs.

"Well, things are working out pretty well for me. I've had the same girlfriend since I got my paper route, and I've had that same paper route since before I met her. I thought I would hate this paper route at thirty-five, but man, it just gets easier! As a kid, it was hard to carry all of these papers on my shoulder. Now I have a car and I just drive them everywhere! Also, since I've been doing it so long, most of my customers pay me on time because, as they put it, they 'feel sorry for me'. Don't feel sorry for me. Feel sorry for those suckers who didn't keep their first job. Soon I'll be head paper man!"

A lot of people don't even stay with the same school they started in. They move, transfer, decide that school isn't for them or travel abroad.

"You know, I just don't like living in Tapeka, Kansas anymore. I want to study for a year in Italy. That's what I'll do! I'll go to a different school in a different part of the world. I will tell my boyfriend that I've been with for five years that I will wait for him on this journey of mine. I wouldn't want to have the FULL school and life experience while I'm over there. No, no. I'd much rather be in a foreign place with adventures to be had, and leave them to talk to my boyfriend on Skype. I'll probably spend so much time talking to him that I won't learn Italian, and that's the way I want it."

Some people get married young or date the first person forever (who they met when they were seventeen) because they believe that person to be their soul mate.

"I had to get married at twenty. I had to do it because I met my soul mate when I was seventeen. And I can't just let my soul mate get away. I had to fold up my little soul mate wings and put them in my soul mate pocket. It's my soul mate!"

If you really believe there's only one person on this planet for you, I'm happy for you. But do you really think you're lucky enough that that person sits beside you in geography class? You think you're that lucky? Other people have to search the globe, and you just walk into a homeroom?

"Look at this! This is working out. I got a teacher, best friend, and a soul mate. It's all right here in this class. And this town has a Wal-Mart. I never have to leave!"

It seems really cute, right? It seems really cute to be with the same person you've been with since 'Pony' came out... to women, not all but some. I don't think I have met a man who thinks it's cute.

"Ah, look at that. That's the only woman who has ever touched him. That seems healthy."

"Yeah, man. I know what you mean. Just adorable. It's like watching 'All Dogs Go To Heaven' live. Wow. Moving."

"Moving... great choice of words. I'm gonna call up my first girlfriend and try to rekindle. Who am I kidding? She's clearly the best. I mean… we used to play pog together."

"You let a girl go who played pog? What were you thinking?"

"I was thinking about unhappiness for the rest of life, obviously. Don't rub it in, man."

Some people marry the first person due to religious beliefs. Really religious people think it's a good idea to only have sex with one person.

"Save yourself until marriage. That's what you should do. Save yourself!"

If you save yourself until marriage, that consummation will be awful. You are supposed to get the first one out of the way when you are in school.

"Okay, we have to be quick. The school bus is coming and I still have to pack my lunch. Are you ready?"

"...I'm already finished."

"...Oh, so THAT'S what it is? Do we smoke a cigarette now?"

Do people who decide to play basketball just start in the NBA? No. There are years of training before you see someone who makes it look easy. These two people haven't even practiced once and are going to go full tilt on a wedding night? Two people who have no idea what they are doing, charged up on 'saving themselves' energy that has been building for twenty something years, are going to figure this out on the biggest day of their lives?

"Does everyone have the directions to the chapel?"

"Yes."

"The cake, catering and band are all ready for the reception?"

"Yes, yes. Everything is good."

"That's great. Um... are WE ready to engage in intercourse when this whole thing is done?"

"Damn right! I have pamphlets and my favorite stuffed animal 'King Fluffy'. It can't be any harder than waiting hours for Harry Potter tickets. We'll figure it out."

For people who have only had one partner for their entire life, it seems completely great and normal.

"You've had MORE than one partner? Are you insane? Why have more than one in your life? Penguins only have one. My great, great grandparents only had one. God only had one! You think you're better than penguins, my great, great grandparents and God!"

Of course it seems great to these people because a mind will adjust. That is what the mind does. It adapts to situations. Ever hear those stories of people who have been kidnapped by family members and locked in a crawl space for fifteen years? And then they get out? Their mind helped them deal with that! In some magic way, they were able to realize that that was what their life was for the time being.

"How did I live inside a furnace for all these years? It wasn't really that hard. The first year was rough, then I just got used to it. I realized that I was able to sleep all summer because who uses heat in the summer? But the winter? Whoa. Pretty hot in there. And once you polish off the first years worth of fish heads – they don't get any better, but it's all you have."

I will never let my kids marry the first person they date.

"Dad, I want to marry Sarah."

"...You're eighteen?"

"Yes."

"And she is your first girlfriend?"

"Yes. You know this, dad. We've been dating since I was sixteen."

"And that's why you can't do it. When I was fourteen..."

"Dad, you've told me this story millions of times. You met a girl, she touched you, you thought you were going to be together forever, but that's not what happened. You told me every night for eight years!"

"I'm still upset by it, okay?! I'm still upset! ...Do you think she misses me?"

"...God, dad."

Everyone should have to date at least five people before they get married. That's it. Not thousands, not hundreds. Just date five. You could even still get married to the first person you were with, but just look around a little before you do so. It should be a rule.

"We are gathered here today to join these two in holy matrimony and if... wait. I forgot to ask one very important question. You guys have dated other people, right?"

"No, sir. We met on a playground at five and we’ve never looked back."

"Ah... this part of my job is so hard. Can't marry you, guys. Wish I could, but rules are rules. Have to have dated at least five people to be sure of this one."

"Really?"

"Hey, I don't come up with these. A decently run society does. Show's over, folks! Make sure you grab your wedding gift on the way out and take it back! These two people, who have never dated anyone else, think they're in love."

"Never dated anyone else? And you sent out invitations to this farce? I thought I loved my Betamax until the VCR came out! God, just ridiculous. By the way, 'love birds', hope you guys weren't looking forward to a Betamax. The priest told me to take back my gift."

Twitter@nathanmacintosh

White men are cloning.

All white men have started to look identical. Am I out of line here? Look around the city you live in and tell me I'm wrong. Not even 'Hey, you kinda look like him.' Nope. It's as if all white men are from the same mother.

"Hey, man. Are all your brothers at Comic-Con with you?"

"I don't have any brothers."

"What!? Whoa. That's weird, man. These guys all look like you! Are you sure your mom didn't have like twenty thousand kids she didn't tell you about?"

"I'm sure if my mother had had that many kids I would have met at least one of them."

"Whoa! Now you're over here? Man, I thought THAT guy was you. I was wondering how you threw your voice."

"I'm right here."

"You did it again!"

White men almost all look identical today and there are a few common threads that make this so.

One of these commonalities is a beard. The beard trend has become huge amongst white men. You can't go anywhere without seeing them. There haven't been this many beards on white men since the 1850's gold rush.

"'Scuse me, fellow gold sifter, but do you happen to know where an honest, work-a-day prospector like myself could do a little prospectin'?"

"I have no idea. I know I have a beard and I look like I pan for gold as I am also currently barefoot, but I am just a man who works at the Apple store."

"The Apple store? Can't believe there is now a store that just sells apples. I haven't had an apple in years. 'Spose that's why the doctors been a chasing me! (<cough cough>) Well, ol' Prospect Pete here is gonna hit the hills. If you ever want to go diving for gold, you have the look."

White men want beards so bad, even white men who can't grow one or don't look like they should have a beard have one. Beards used to just be for bikers, bad guy wrestlers and villains from eighties action movies. Now? There are a lot of patchy, wispy beards on twelve-year-old looking men.

"Okay, don't freak out, but I think there are about twelve bee legs stuck to your face."

"It's a beard, okay?! A beard!"

"...You sure it's not bee legs? Beards usually cover the whole face... and bee legs are sometimes known to explode off of a bee and stick to a humans fa... either way. Looks great."

Laziness had to be a factor at first. White men just didn't want to shave.

"These kids on Xbox LIVE can't see me, so what am I shaving for? That's right, me, I ain't! Deal with that, face! My face!"

I, at one point, also had a beard. Then one night I had a show. There were three white men with beards on before me, and then I had to go up as if we didn't all look like a special task force.

"Those guys? No. We are not part of a comedy troupe called 'The Beards That Can' that for some reason performs one at a time. I know it looks that way. As if we all share a van and travel together, but we don't!"

I shaved it the next day. Way too many beards in the beard game. I had to get out.

For some reason as well, the beard is usually coupled with the tiniest body on the planet. A sixty-seven pound white man will have a thick beard and barely the strength to carry it. They have a face that says they'll cut down a tree, and in most cases, arms that say they couldn't even climb one.

"Dude, you're looking pretty rugged."

"Thanks, man. Pretty sweet beard, huh?"

"Yeah, man. From the neck up – woodsman. From the neck down – twelve-year-old girl held captive in Libya. Not a bad look by any means, but man, your beard might weigh more than your chest."

"...What? ...Sorry, I didn't hear you. These crippling hunger pains sometimes block my hearing."

"Do you want a sandwich, man?"

"No way. It'll crumble all over my sweet beard."

Why are we becoming so small? Have white men decided to not eat as some sort of self-punishment for how well we've had it for so long?

"Guys, look. You know while we sit here at this cottage, eating burgers that have cheese infused inside and drinking a limitless supply of beer, there are people on this planet who don't even have ONE burger? Let alone a cheese infused one?"

"...That's nuts. Do they have beer?"

"That's it. I'm not eating anymore. Not until all is right with the world. I've had it white and right for too long. This time next year, I'll have lost half of myself!"

"Are you gonna finish that cheese infused burger?"

"Yes! This all starts tomorrow. Crank up The Hip!"

Along with beards and baby frames, white men have also decided that there is going to be one shoe that we all should wear. That shoe? A pirate shoe. Ah, the pirate shoes. You know the ones I mean. You've seen them. The 'dress' shoes that have buckles on them? Or better yet, the actual pirate boots that have buckles that are worn with tight pants or jeans? Jeans! Imagine. Wearing a pirate boot without a swashbuckling sword on your hip, or a satchel of doubloons in your pocket! A boot that was left over from the wardrobe department of 'Pirates of the Caribbean'.

"Cut! That's a wrap! Good work, everyone! That's movie number three in the can. What a shoot, huh guys? Everyone give your costumes back to the costume department."

"Um, sir? I don't know if you have noticed, but there is a group of barefoot white men outside who are screaming for the boots?"

"The boots? I thought they were here for Keira Knightley?"

"Well, yes, her too, sir. But they are much too afraid to talk to her without the, as they put it, 'Magical powers of the mystical and enchanting pirate boot'."

"...Hmmm ...Well, I guess… throw them over the fence. Wait, white men want these boots? I'm a white man! They must know something I don't know! I won't miss this boat. Give me a pirate boot!"

Paired with the beard, the pirate shoe, and the emaciated death body, is almost undoubtedly a plaid shirt. The plaid shirt is as important to the beard-having, pirate-shoe-wearing, 'not gonna eat until I'm the same weight as a toddler in a tiara' white man as the cape is to Batman. You'll never see Batman without his cape.

"Sir, I'm sorry. I seem to have misplaced all your capes."

"Okay, well, until you find them, Gotham will just burn."

"Sir! You can't do that! Innocent people need your help!"

"'Innocent people need your help'. God, I didn't lose my capes, Alfred. Okay? You did. Innocent people die; it's your fault. I'm gonna go out there without my cape? Does a cop hit the streets without a gun? Do you play basketball without a ball? I'm eating these Doritos. Let me know when you find them."

Just like Batman needs his cape, it doesn't seem that white men can leave their house without plaid anymore.

"Honey, have you seen my plaid shirts?"

"Yeah. I took them to the dry cleaners."

"You took two full closets worth of plaid to the cleaners? What the hell is wrong with you? I have such a busy week! What am I going to wear to the bar? Or the wedding I have to go to? Or my graduation? Or my dad's funeral? Or that job interview I have? Did you even think about these things!"

Soon, the plaid shirt will replace the actual color white as the sign of the race. That will be what you have to answer when filling out a form.

"Hmmm, what race am I? Latino, African American, Plaid. Well, I'm not wearing a Latino shirt!"

A lot of times, the plaid shirt isn't even enough. Maybe it's a little chilly out or you just want to show off buttons. So what do you put on? A cardigan. This one makes me upset. Why? Because I used to love cardigans. I started wearing them a while ago. Then I started to notice that a few others were wearing them. Until one day, I decided I had to get out of the cardigan game. I walked into a place and boom! Cardigans everywhere. As if we had all decided beforehand that we were going to start a boy band.

"Okay, guys, N'Sync was pretty cool, right? Why don't we do something like that?"

"Yeah! What will we wear, though?"

"Can I not be Joey?"

"Sure, whatever. I don't know. Has to be all the same thing, but with just slightly different colors. Maybe something to keep us warm on an already warm night... I got it! Cardigans!"

"Cardigans! That's great! I love cardigans!"

"Can I not be Joey?"

"Shut up, Steve, or you're not in Cardi-garden."

"Man, great name!"

"Thank you. It just came to me!"

Have white men decided that we're all going to band together? As some sort of super unit? Like the Power Rangers? If we all wear the same things, we'll form into one giant, super white person?

"We can't morph until we ALL are wearing the same thing! Someone get that baby a plaid diaper! We'll all be one and listening to Radiohead in no time! On three. One, two, three... Caucasian stampede!"

"...It didn't work..."

"There must be a white man out there who still thinks it's 2003 and is wearing a jersey! Hunt him down and KILL HIM!"

Was there one white man who decided that if you were in this race, there was one look we all have to go with? Was it Zach Galifianakis?

"Hello, every white man. As you know, over the last few years, I have become very popular and made a lot of money."

"How'd you do it! What's your secret! Can you teach us?!"

"Calm down. I gathered this convention of all the Caucasian race to give you my secrets."

"Is it being funny? That's it, right!"

"Security! Take this one out of here."

"Nooooo! I'm sorry! You can't throw me out there with nothing! Teach me! TEACH ME!" (<Security throws man through a door. >)

"...Now that he's gone, let's get to it. The secret to white man's success from here on out is A BEARD AND PLAID!"

(Gasps)

"I know. At first I didn't believe it either. But once I grew a beard and obtained a plaid shirt, the world really opened up for me. So to succeed, you must all wear plaid!"

"...Um ...I don't mean to be rude here, I mean, I'm happy about the conference and everything, but... I'm not a fan of plaid."

"Not a fan of plaid? Are you a fan of being an outcast? Of being an outsider? Of not fitting into the white race anymore! That's the territory you are walking, my friend!"

You cannot tell these people apart. Women dating these guys must lose them all the time.

"Hey, where did you go? Ninety percent of the guys in this bar look like you! Oh well, I'll just grab this man here. I'm sure he's in love with The Beatles as well."

"Hey, Christine! I'm actually your boyfriend! Remember we were here a couple of weeks ago? Well, you left without me?"

"Really? Wow. That other guy looked just like you! I wondered why though he couldn't remember where the Juiceman Juicer was."

"In the cabinet on top of..."

"The fridge! Oh, I've missed you. Please don't go get a drink without me. I never want to mistake you for literally any other man on the planet again."

I don't really understand how men don't care about this at all. If a woman walks into a place and sees that another woman has her exact outfit on, she at least notices. Depending on the situation, she might be upset.

"Oh, God. She has the exact same dress as me! Damn. Now I have to fake an illness and leave or 'accidentally' spill wine on her so she leaves. This place does have an open bar... accident it is!"

Do men not have that at all? Not even in the slightest? Just have the ability to walk into a room, notice every other man looks exactly like you do, and not care? I'm surprised they're not speaking in unison.

"The best Beatle by FAR is John Lennon. I mean for one, look at him? He's got the hair, the mysterious look in his eye. He's all for world peace. Way better than Paul."

"...Ashley, am I crazy, or did those two men just stare into each other's eyes and say the exact same words to each other?"

"No, Sarah. You're not crazy. It may be time to go back to dating jocks."

If you are a white man with a beard, a plaid shirt, a cardigan and pirate shoes, look at yourself in the mirror and tell me if you can even see yourself.

"Whoa! That's weird. I see Tim and Chris and Jeff and my brother, but... I don't see me. Well, I guess I'll just do the chant three times. I am different. I am different. I am diff... no I'm not."

Trailers for the Dark Knight Rises

Movie trailers are a constant in this world. I love them. I wish that before a movie played, instead of the celebrity trivia they show, old trailers were played.

"In what year did Jennifer Aniston first say, "No, I'll have salad instead of fries", thus making her bankable as an actress for years to come?

A. 1998

B. 1969

C. 1987 or

D. Inside her mother’s womb with a well-placed kick?"

"I don't care! Play the Back to the Future trailer!"

I think trailers are great. But there are some trailers that are incredibly useless. In this case, trailers for The Dark Knight Rises. Are these useful at all? Trailers for a movie so anticipated that I'm sure people would miss their kid’s baptism for it? I don't think so.

The Dark Knight Rises is so long awaited and known about, that trailers for it are ridiculous. We know about it! We have known since the end of the last movie in 2008. The ending to that movie was a trailer itself for this movie. A four-year-old trailer! That is the only trailer that is needed! We knew a series could not end that way, so we were anticipating another movie.

Was there anyone who thought that a Batman franchise would end with Batman speeding away out of Gotham City? Was there anyone who thought that was a possible ending?

"Well, what a movie. I guess that's it then. Batman is going to hit the beach for a few years. I wonder if he'll take his mask off on the surf. Gotta be hot in there on a cold day, but in the sun? Whoa. I don't envy the guy. Well, yeah I do. He's got gadgets and can fight and is pretty badass. But that suit? It's gotta be boiling. Have a good vacation, Batman! Way to stop The Joker."

Trailers are used to entice people into seeing a movie. Completely useless in this case. Who out there who has seen the other two is on the fence about seeing this?

"Man, I don't know. I loved Batman Begins; The Dark Knight was one of the greatest things I'd ever seen, but a third one? Geez, I just don't know if I have that kind of excitement to give. I mean, I spent it all on the last two! I haven't been excited for anything for four years. I had a kid – it didn't even faze me. I won the lottery – I yawned! I'll have to see some trailers to spark my interest and hopefully get some excitement back."

If you need a trailer, you don't deserve to see this movie. That should be part of the process of buying a ticket.

"Welcome to the theatre. How did you hear about The Dark Knight Rises?"

"Oh! I was on YouTube and I watched a trailer and it looked really neat!"

"Did you know about it beforehand?"

"Nope, that's why I'm excited there was a trailer. I mean without that, I'd have no ide–"

"Sorry, sir. You can't come in. See, there are real fans out here – ones who have been waiting since July 20th, 2008 to see this movie. They don't need any, "I only kinda want to be here"s in their theatre."

"...But I have money. I really want to..."

"Your money is no good here, sir! It takes a level of dedication that you simply do not have. I suggest you back away or buy a ticket for Madea’s Witness Protection."

Also, why would anyone want trailers? Is there nothing to be said for going into a movie you are excited to see and not knowing one thing about what is going to happen or be seen? Does anyone remember the trailer for Jurassic Park? It was amazing! There was a puddle of water, some stomping noises, a giant T-Rex foot stepped in the puddle, then a roar and that was it! Jurassic Park! It was amazing! Who the hell needed more than that?

"Hmmm, so it's a movie about dinosaurs, but what are they DOING? I mean, is it a movie with TALKING dinosaurs? Do they have jobs? I don't know. I'm not sold."

I don't understand why anyone would want a trailer. You're going to go, it's going to be great, why ruin that?

"I can't wait to see this movie! But I'd also like if for every month for five months, I was shown a different two-minute compilation of the movie, so that slowly but surely I can see the whole thing before I go. If only they had started showing trailers three years ago, then I could have seen the whole movie in annoying, two-minute chunks!"

Why do these trailers need to show so much? Why! Why show anything? We're going! You got that, Nolan? We're going! I cannot stress this enough. Doesn't matter if you just sent people from town to town yelling in the streets.

"Dark Knight is now here. Hear ye, hear ye – Dark Knight is out! Gather ye young'uns and head down the road to your nearest CinemaTech. Will be a righteous time, wouldn't you say? What what and all that."

We'd be going. We'd go if there was no mention of the release date at all, and one day we were just walking by a theatre and saw that it was out.

"Holy hell! I had no idea! I'm skipping work right now! I'll pick my kid up later! My friend can help himself move! That meeting can exist without me! I'll go to that wedding tomorrow! My wife can drive herself home from that operation! I'm going to this movie!"

And if you are going to show trailers, why not keep the same type of trailer you had for the last one? The floating bat shape with a few words being said, a Joker laugh, and then the date? Why not the same for this one? They did have that and then they decided that wasn't enough.

"I don't know if the Bat Signal floating into focus, Batman’s clear, audible voice speaking, Bane saying 'I will break you', and Alfred saying something 'Alfredy' is enough for people. Will they even know what it is? What if they mistake this for another Madagascar movie?"

"The Bat Signal can only mean one thing. Batman!"

"Yeah... I get that, but... I don't know. I just think we should spell it out a bit more, ya know? Really hit home what movie this is."

"...It's called The Dark Knight Rises! It has the Bat Signal! What the hell else could it be?"

"Look, just to be safe, let's just show the last scene of the movie in its entirety, credits and all, so that people will know for sure it's Batman."

"That's it! I quit! You have pushed me to quit."

"Sooo I get my way then? Goodbye, trailer hoarder! Don't let all the trailers I'm going to show hit you on the ass on the way out!"

The best part is that the trailers are completely useless because we would go no matter what they were. ANYTHING could be shown to us and we would go.

"This summer, the trilogy ends. Batman faces his toughest opponent yet. Bane. But before that, he has to face an old love that will not die. He hangs up his bat suit and picks up... a baker’s uniform! That's right. Before Bruce Wayne’s parents were killed, the young boy always thought of becoming a baker.

"Heat up the oven, Alfred. I feel a marble rye coming on."

This summer – The Dark Knight Rises... Bread."

People would still go see that! I guarantee it.

"Whoa, that looks completely awful. But, man, I'm two-movies deep in a three-movie franchise. I'd be an idiot NOT to go! If Batman puts cake batter in Bane’s serum pack I'll puke, but I will finish that movie."

Not knowing what is going to be in a movie at all can be great. I was told about Cloverfield by a friend. I hadn't heard anything about it.

"Do you want to go see Cloverfield? It's a monster movie and in the trailer the Sta–"

"Yes! You're damn right I want to see that!"

That's all I needed. Monster movie. I loved that movie, and one reason is because I was excited by concept alone and had not seen one second of it before I went in! I didn't have one of those moments where I remembered what I had seen already.

"Nice, the part that I watched on my phone two months ago! It for sure looks better here on a bigger screen. Oh, there's the part I watched on my iPad on the train. Man, it's sure great not to have a man’s crotch in my face while watching it. Oh, wait! Here's the part I watched over that guy’s shoulder in line at McDonalds. It's sure great to see it without someone yelling, 'What the hell is wrong with you, man! Stop breathing over my shoulder!'"

What is their reasoning for Dark Knight trailers? Are they upset that not every human on the planet saw that last one?

"You know, the last Batman movie we put out was only seen by three quarters of the planet."

"Jesus, that's it?"

"I know, gross, huh? What do you have to do!"

"I am both insulted and shocked. Even outraged! Let's have more trailers for this one! Maybe that was the problem. If the tribesmen of New Guinea don't buy tickets, it'll be a waste! I want penguins buying tickets for Christ’s sake! Every mammal, reptile, man, woman, child, born and unborn will see this! Also, see if we can put movie screens in rocks and send them down to New Guinea. And for God’s sake, put some theatres in the 

Antarctic for the penguins! They'll buy tickets and then have nowhere to see the movie. Have you even THOUGHT about the penguins?!"

"Ya know, I hadn't! How dumb was I. I was missing that penguin money!"

"It is a very valuable dollar."

I understand making trailers for movies that no one knows about. For instance, the movie that just came out, Savages. Savages hasn't been a comic book since the forties. It isn't a movie franchise. We didn't grow up loving it. It makes sense that they need to let us know about that movie. But a movie like The Dark Knight Rises? Come on. I have been nothing but angry to see trailers or hear people say, "Man, you gotta see this part with Bane." I'm going to the goddam movie! I'm convinced, all right! I need no more convincing. I was convinced as soon as it was announced that it was coming out.

"We are pleased to announce that in 2012, there will be a new Batm–"

"Nice! I'm there!"

"You didn't even let me finish."

"You said 'Bat', brother. Wooo! I'm in! Can I get a ticket now?"

I think that if you are seeing another movie, and if before it they are going to play a trailer for a movie like The Dark Knight Rises, they should let people know about it. There was a trailer for The Dark Knight Rises before The Avengers. Let people know you are going to show a trailer so we can leave!

"Ladies and gentleman, before we show you The Avengers, we are going to show a trailer for The Dark Knight Rises. If you like enjoyment on any level, some degree of surprise, and don't live your life based off of things written in 140 characters, we suggest you leave the theatre now. 

However, if you hate surprise, love opening presents on December 21st and think 210 characters is far too long, feel free to sit and continue never letting your friend finish a story until he trims it to 'Twitter length'."

Every trailer for this movie is useless, but if they have to do them, here are a couple that could have been done and not ruined anything in the movie. How about just shots from the last movie?

"Hey, remember this? One of the greatest things ever, huh? Well, we made another one! Come on down!"

How about just berating the audience? Just a black screen with someone talking down to us.

"Yo, loser. How the hell are you? Look, your partner's ugly, your kids are stupid, but you know what? This weekend we're releasing a new Batman movie we made! Does that help the depression subside a bit? Kill yourself! ...After seeing this movie."

Or even a complete attack on us?

"Fuck you! ...The Dark Knight Rises. July 20th."

Also, am I the only one who is a little nervous about this movie? I expect it to be good, but I dislike that Bane is not alone in this. Bane’s story is second only to The Joker. Why must Bane always be saddled with someone? Why can't he have his own story? It makes as much sense as Spiderman 3.

"You know, Venom is pretty much the coolest character that Spiderman faces."

"I know! I'm really excited. Let's throw in the Sandman as well."

"What...? Why? Venom is strong enough and cool enough that he could be in this movie on his own."

"I'm really not convinced. Let's throw another character in there to help him out."

"Nobody has been waiting to see Sandman! Since the franchise started, people have been waiting for Venom. He has one million Twitter followers!"

"Ahhh, I'd like to trust you, but does Venom come in at night and help you sleep? Does Metallica have a song called ' Enter Venom'? Nope. Sandman stays."

And to be saddled with Catwoman? Catwoman! I'm nervous. I would only really be happy if they showed Catwoman as Batman was driving down the street.

"Hey look, there's Catwoman!"

"Roar!"

"Whoa. Happy I didn't stop. All right, onto fighting real threats."

Twitter @nathanmacintosh

Celebrities punching cameramen.

Alec Baldwin punched a cameraman in the face. Personally – I think that's great. I don't believe enough people get punched anymore. More people need to be checked. When LeBron did the hour long Decision, Michael Jordan should have been right there to smash him in the mouth.

"Are you serious? I played with the flu like a boss and you take an entire hour to say one sentence? Obama doesn't get that much airtime! They cut him off at half an hour!"

When Floyd Mayweather asked to get out of jail early (after beating his girlfriend infront of his kids) because the water in prison was bad and he couldn’t work out in there as well as he did on the outside? Should be hit in the back of the head with a barstool.

"Are you insane? You beat a woman infront of her kids and went to jail! You think it would be the Best Western?! Man, I should hit you again for fighting your girlfriend before Pacquiao."

The person who invented the self-checkout should be struck with a bamboo stick.

"Are you crazy? You thought it would be better to talk to a robot over a person who hates their life? They can be chatted up – this machine is a machine! And if you're bringing in self-checkouts then have the decency to get the real people out of here! They have to watch robots slowly take their job?!"

For some reason, though, when a celebrity attacks an "innocent, minding his own business" photographer, the world attacks the celebrity.

Whenever I hear these stories, I think they are great. When Russell Crowe hit that guy with a phone, when Sean Penn shot at helicopters, when Björk grabbed that woman’s hair. To me, that one just makes sense. Björk came off an insanely long flight. Just landed! You ever have a long flight? Something over twelve hours? You feel your normal, chipper self when you landed? You feel that you could have a conversation with the world when you leave the terminal? No! You want to punch the person next to you who's also waiting for their bag.

"If this guy doesn't stop chewing his gum so loud, I swear to God I'm gonna smash his head off of his iPad. Shut it down, chew-loud!"

People get so upset with celebrities when they attack someone.

"That cameraman was just doing his job! His insanely annoying and useless job. It's not his fault he has to be directly in your eye every time he snaps a photo. Leave him alone!"

I honestly don't understand why people try to defend these cameramen. Why! Why defend people who instigate fights and anger? Did people defend the bitchy girls in high school who would pick on people, and then when those people snapped, would run to a teacher with a sob story?

"I don't know what happened to her. We were just talking to her about how she could change her hair, you know? So that it could look as good as mine? And she snapped and threw a book at me. I guess I'm a bad person for telling her that her roots were showing every day for a month. I was just trying to help."

Why do people run to their side? Why does anyone stick up for these cameraman? If a friend of yours told you they wanted to be a celebrity photographer, what would your first thought be?

"Oh, wow! That is a very noble job full of talent and necessity. On par with a doctor. Good for you!"

No, you would think they were a complete piece of garbage. The only way it would be respectable is if you completely fell into it after failing at everything else.

"You know, I tried just about everything. I was fired from every call center I worked at, I don't have the upper body strength to dig ditches, and I don't have the heart to rob people. I guess it's pick up a camera, follow around famous people and document their entire lives."

Also, is there anyway that people can tone down on their love of celebrities a bit? Honestly, who cares what these people are doing? Not in a rude way, but man, who cares? Why worry about them getting married, where they are seen, what they're wearing or what they're driving. What the hell are YOU doing? Have you achieved everything that you wanted to do with your life that you can now just sit and watch everyone else?

"It only took me forty-five years, but I finally have studied everything on the planet and have become a master at it all. I can speak every language, I have graduated with the highest degree in every form of education... and what the hell will I do now? There's nothing left! Only thing left to do is watch what others are up to. That's what I'll do! Oh! Look at this! This famous person is wearing something that I wouldn't wear. What an idiot!"

I love when people talk about what celebrities are wearing. The people who only judge and talk about what celebrities are wearing? Man. There's no amount of jail time that is enough for this offense.

"Look at what this person is wearing! I wouldn't wear it because I'm boring, have nothing relevant to say, and wouldn't step out of the tiny box I know as 'life' in fear that someone like me would judge me the way I judge others."

Alec Baldwin saying that paparazzi should be waterboarded is great. That is a great sentence. People think that's rough, though. Why? Because you can't say something like that to people who are not on TV. You can't do that! He's never been in a show. All he does is take pictures; he doesn't deserve to be waterboarded! Watch a show come out, though, that is "Celebrity Waterboarding". Some of the highest ratings of all time.

"Oh, man! Did you see last night's episode where Joshua Jackson said he was behind 9/11 after being waterboarded for an hour? Oh, man. What a loser! Go out and do The Skulls 4, you piece of trash!"

Plus, admit it – people want to see these people freak out. It's only fun for a while to have Alec Baldwin or other celebrities be nice. The world wants to see exactly what happened. But then instead of saying, "Thank you for giving us what we pushed you to do!" – we call these people crazy. Crazy! The balls on us! The gall! That guy is crazy because I pushed him to be that way. What a nut.

How do people actually get upset at celebrities and ask, "How can they get so mad?" We all get mad at random people all day, for even dumber things.

"God, that guy got on the bus before me when CLEARLY I was ahead of him. I hope the bus explodes under him only and he is blown up. What a loser!"

We get mad at people all day and they aren't following us around taking pictures of us! What if they were? What if when you bought chips, or tripped, or held your kid there was someone taking pictures of all of it? The way that everyone goes on, no one would deal with it.

"Hey! Why are you following me onto the subway?! You want to do this? You want to go!"

"God, what's wrong with that guy? I'm just in his face and business all day taking pictures of it all for money. That guy is insane!"

You can tell they want to push celebrities because they'll call it "When Celebrities Attack!" They treat him like an animal! Push him to the brink, and then when he attacks, talk about it like a grizzly that got loose.

"He just kept coming at me! And I was saying, "What are you doing? Stop attacking me! Stop!" And he wouldn't listen. You can see right here, where I am pointing on my face and there is no mark what so ever, that this is where he hit me. And you can talk to the doctor who said, "Why are you wasting my time with this? You are not injured at all", and he'll tell you that I was brutally beaten and deserve compensation."

It's amazing that the world will push people to their breaking point, and then when they do, we act like they are insane. People who think that celebrities who get angry are out of line, would be the same people who think a lion is insane when a attacks a tourist from Florida who puts a camera in his mouth.

"God, all I did put my Hawaiian shirt on his back and he snapped and ate my kid! That lion needs to be put down! Burn down the entire jungle he lives in! That Emu, too. I try to get his footprint in my papier-mâché and he bites my face? What the hell is his problem! Blow him away!"

We can all pretty much agree that if you are run by celebrity gossip you are probably a piece of garbage, right? If you read People Magazine and talk about it, or if you check out Perez Hilton's website and look at these people as if they are doing something good – the rest of the world hopes you never are put in charge of anything.

"Who did I vote for? The guy who knows every issue of US Weekly cover to cover, that's who. Who are you voting for? Oh, because he reads books? Lame! He probably doesn't even know the terrible dress that Kim Kardashian wore to the gym three weeks ago. Complete loser."

Also, Alec Baldwin is amazing. Anyone who is going to judge him, based on this or any other mistakes he has made, is wrong. He is a human being. A hilarious human being. Not to say that he has the right to attack people or anything like that, but man, everyone who is pushed only has so long before they will push back. And we don't see all of it. We only see "the freak out". We don't see the months and months of him dealing with photographers, keeping his calm in many situations before one day just losing it. We only see, "He's lost it! He's an animal!" 

No, he's a human.

What's amazing to me as well is that North America right now is on a huge 'Stop Bullying' campaign.

"Don't say anything to that kid! Nothing at all! Lock this school down! LOCK IT!"

If the story had been that a kid was following another kid around taking pictures of him all day and the other kid snapped, the world would be on his side.

"Yeah! Punch that kid! We will not tolerate bullying!"

When it's a celebrity? Screw 'em.

Kids can't bully kids. Not unless that kid was on TV, then it's okay.

"Did you see what Jordan brought for lunch today, teacher?"

"Yes, I read about it in todays People. Just a shame. Tuna sandwich. Isn't he making twenty thousand an episode? Looks like someone has a gambling problem."

Adults and kids are allowed to bully celebrities. Daily! It’s hard to tell a kid not to bully another kid when one day he can get paid for it.

I'd love to see if turned around. See how cameramen would deal with it. Celebrities should follow cameramen into their hotels, while they're out on dates, at the zoo with their kids, or getting married, and take pictures of them. I wonder how long it would take before they snap.

"How do you like it, huh? You like having your picture taken every time you make a move? Oh, what's that? You're buying broccoli? What are you, a loser?! How do you like it!"

"...Um, actually I love it. I take pictures of you because I'm jealous that I can never be you."

"...Oh... well... we still hate it! Stop doing it!"

Movies today look worse than they did in '88.

We are told that we are advancing every day. New phones, new graphics, new computers. One way we are not advancing, though? Effects in movies. With these, we seem to be getting worse than we already were. We're actually going back in time. Special effects in the eighties in the nineties were great. Now? Some movies that come out now use good special effects, but most? Not good at all. Watch the trailer for Expendables 2, where the plane crashes into a cave, and tell me that doesn't look like some graphics that were used in the first PlayStation.

"Hey, should this movie look better than the original Tomb Raider?"

"...No. I think that's fine."

"Yeah? Sweet! Movie's done then. Man, it's so easy to finish a movie when you don't care how it looks. Time to celebrate!"

How is it that in 2012 special effects can look so bad?

This all came about for me one night while watching Predators. Made in 2010. The original Predator was made in 1987. You would assume that with all of the advancement that took place within those twenty-five years that Predators would look better than the original. Does it? Does it look better than the original that looked totally fine? Does it even look AS good? It does not. First Predator? Looks great. New Predators? My God. It looked like the special effects were taken from a Laser Quest.

"We need space guns, right? My son said that these laser tag guns he used last week looked pretty cool."

"Laser tag? You want to use laser tag guns?"

"Yeah, it'll be fun! Not only will we be shooting a movie, we'll give the actors a game to play! Whoever has the most points at the end of the shoot gets a million dollar bonus!"

For a scene in the first Predator, a jungle needed to be mowed down with guns. What happens? A JUNGLE IS MOWED DOWN! That's how it used to be. When something was called for to be blown up or destroyed, something was blown up or destroyed! An entire rainforest and ecosystem were probably taken out making that movie.

"I called this meeting today about the environment to let everyone know that we lost three types of birds today and a rare tree."

"What? How come? Is it pollution? Is it gas emissions?"

"No... it was due to one scene in the movie Predator. An entire forest was destroyed during a scene in which Arnold and his team shoot aimlessly at a Predator that they cannot see."

"...Oh man...does the scene look cool?"

"Well, yeah, it looks great, but that's not the point. The point is, we lost birds that we will never see again, and when one ecosystem is destroyed, it hur..."

"It looks great! Let's go see it!"

Also, just quickly, Topher Grace was in Predators, and who in the world wants to see Topher Grace with a gun in an action movie? Are seventeen-year-old girls casting movies? Even more quickly, how the hell did that man become the one chosen to play Venom?! How! Why not Fez? What about Red? Go all the way down the 'That 70'S Show' cast and get Kitty.

"Spidermaaannn. I've been looking for you, eehehehahah."

We're told all the time that movies that come out today are great looking, unbelievable, and visually stunning.

"You have to see this movie! It looks better than real life! Like, right now, you look like trash compared to this movie. You look like an 8-bit loser compared to it! I know! Wow, even your tears look worse than that movie's tears! Doesn't compare at all." 

Really? Most movies now are comparable to cartoons. Nothing in them is real at all. There are times in the movie when the actor is digitally imposed. The actor! They'll digitally impose in the actual actor that is supposed to be actually acting in the actual movie. 

"Hey, guys? I really don't feel like going in there and saying my line, 'Do we have any leads on this case?' I just want to sit here and finish my soup."

"Oh, that's no problem. We have already created you on a computer. You can just go home if you want."

"Really? Wow. A yacht for this, huh? The only line I said so far was, 'Can I get a footlong? Yeah, lettuce is cool.'"

"And you delivered it perfectly! We still may computer-generate it, though. Either way, thanks for coming in."

Nothing in movies is real anymore. Everything is computer-generated. When something was needed in an older movie, they actually had it. Even things that didn’t exist – they would be made.

"Hey, we need a spaceship."

"Just go down to Costco and grab one. Haha, just kidding. I'll start building it."

CGI is so ridiculous now that they will digitally create things that we have. Example? Old people in movies. Old people! We have old people! For example, in Prometheus, Guy Pearce is CGI-ed into an old person. Why are we doing this?

"Hey, we need an old guy for this movie."

"All right, I'll just create one here on my iPhone."

"Create one? We'll just cast one."

"And have that terrible old person smell on the set? Like a Werther's died inside a rat? No way, man. iOldPerson."

"Good call. Remember shooting that movie with Christopher Plummer?"

"God. I was washing the smell out of my hair for weeks!"

Movies today don't look as good as they once did. Terminator 2. All that needs to be said. Anyone have any complaints with the special effects in Terminator 2? A movie made in 1991? Maybe the actual metal, working Terminator that the crew painstakingly made? Or the actual explosions that happened in it? Maybe the insane CGI with a liquid metal man who changes shape? Any of these a problem for anyone? Absolutely not! Terminator 2 could be put out today, exactly the way that it is, and people would love it. No one would complain that it didn't look like movies now.

"Whoa, whoa. Is that a REAL robot that people built for the set? Jesus Christ. What the hell did I spend money on?! I wanted fake! If I wanted real, I wouldn't have come into the theatre! I want something that looks like it was put together on an old Atari! Someone built that robot? Man, don't waste your time. Just put an R&B star in this and I'd be happy!"

Jurassic Park as well. It's hard to make Jurassic Park a better movie. And when it was called on for there to be dinosaurs in the movie, what did they do? They made dinosaurs! Made them!! They made that T-Rex! In 1993! Actual dinosaurs made out of actual things that you could see and touch. We are twenty years past that and we have dinosaurs in movies that look like they were made on 'Draw Something'.

"Whoa! That's a sweet Velociraptor! You ever think about making a movie with it?"

"Umm... no. I scratched that together on my phone for a game I was playing with you."

"But, man! I was really scared! I dropped my phone and everything. I thought a real Raptor was coming at me!"

With everything being computer-generated, special effects people must be out of business. The people who used to build sets, monsters, gore, and anything that was used in a movie? There's no reason for them to be around. Unless they are now the highest paid coffee-getters in the world.

"Hey, grab me a cappuccino."

"Ugh... you know I built the alien used in Alien?"

"Oh, man! Love that movie. The work you did on that creature was just magic. Now use some of that magic in the foam for my cappuccino. Also, you want to grab that seventeen-year-old a glazed donut? Try not to disturb him, though. He's hard at work on his computer making the special effects for this movie. He's a real genius."

The craziest part is that everything is computer-generated and the movies don't cost any less to make. Doesn't seem to be any cheaper at all. Everything is made on a computer and the movie still cost sixty-eight trillion dollars. How?! Where the hell is this money going?

"You know, I can make Transformers 4 on my iPad 2."

"Wow. How much will you charge?"

"Well, it'll take me a full week. Umm, ten million?"

"Done. I'll go ask the studio for three hundred and fifty million."

"Wow, that's a lot. Where's the rest going to go?"

"Are you serious? Abs! Every actor in the movie has to have an insane amount of abs. You think that comes cheap? The God of abs won't dish any out for less than two hundred million."

"...There's a God of abs?"

"Ah, scene-generating-computer guy. You have so much to learn. You probably think that actors get white teeth the old-fashioned way, and there's not a tooth gnome who will whiten your teeth for a truck of Little Debbie cookies. What a noob."

Why would they now make special effects worse? What is the point of this? Why! To not be so elitist and have movies only be made by moviemakers. Did we start to do things this way so that people wouldn't feel bad? So that now everyone can make a movie with only their phone and an afternoon?

"God, I'd love to make movies, but how the hell am I going to be able to blow up a helicopter? I don't have that kind of money and my movie is called "When A Helicopter Blows Up". I'm doomed!"

"No worries! Now you can blow up a helicopter on your phone!"

"...Really? You... you really mean it? And people will... respect me for it?"

"Respect you? People will blow you! You won't be able to walk down the street!"

"Oh, wow. Okay, well I'll get working on the script. I really only have the name right now, but I know I need a helicopter to blow up."

"Script? What the hell are you talking about? I just told you that you can make things blow up on your phone. Scripts be damned! When the writing gets bad, bring in another helicopter crash!"

"Man, you're right! Nothing but explosions! Words are overrated, anyway. BOOM!"

CGI is also really over used. There are tons of scenes in movies now where there are absolutely no humans around. None! Just computer generated humans. We see the star for a minute and then he is replaced by the scenes someone has created on a Steve Jobs machine. Not a real person for huge segments. We are just watching computers do what they do. Movies should start being marketed that way.

"This summer, an action movie with epic proportions. When a ninja is mistaken for a grocery store clerk and has to fight his way out of a chip aisle – things go to hell. This summer, "Ninja Chip Hell!" 'You Say Dorito, I say Akido'. Starring the newest Mac Air and a brief, brief, brief cameo by Bruce Willis."

With new special effects, for some reason, people have decided that the entire movie should be CGI. There are so many movies where actors are talking in front of a green screen. Actors aren't even talking to anyone! 

"I know. I can't believe that the king took all of our rubies either. What's he gonna do with i..."

"CUT! CUT! CUT! Where are you looking? The half-man-half-goat you are talking to is right here! You're looking towards the donut table, which is a drawbridge in the movie. Would your character be talking to a drawbridge? Huh? Would he?!"

"Look, I'm sorry, but can we get something better for me to act with other than a coffee cup? Like a box of Cheerios? Just something bigger. I'm supposed to be talking to a satyr. What about an actual goat? Can we get that? Or just draw a face on the cup. That would straighten this out. Just give me a face to look at!"

"Oh, you need a face to look at? What – you want to be an actual actor? Bad news for you, kid, you're twenty years too late. Talk to nothing!"

In the eighties and nineties, when something blew up, something was blown up! 

"We need to blow up a car!"

"Well, digitally compose it on a computer, render it in HD, and we'll put in the audio of the actors after!"

"It's 1989 and I have no damn idea what you're talking about."

"Oh, yeah, right... well, blow up a car!"

Twitter- @Nathanmacintosh

We don't deserve comment sections.

Comment sections need to be taken away from us. Time and time again we have shown as a society that we cannot handle them. For years now, people have been screaming at each other in comment sections. I bet the last time there was a nice comment was during the great depression.

"I say, I love your article on monocles and how only one eye needs to see exquisitely while also looking exquisite. Just wanted to give you a 'hear, hear', old chap. Hip, hip, hooray! Hip, hip, hooray! Hip, hip, hooray!"

But later on? Comment sections just became a place for people who can't speak, spell, or who have no human decency to be showcased.

"There be a raisin that your artical be all stupid and shit I dont tink iVe ever been angry like this eva"

Look, it's 2012. We should be able to intelligently use all of the equipment we have. If we want to advance this world – stop focusing on making new phones and let's focus on getting rid of comment sections.

Ninety percent of comments are negative. Commenting on things negatively makes sense sometimes. When an article has its facts wrong or when a video is misinformed.

"Excuse me, you said in your article that the fourth of July is this Saturday the fifth. You see the problem here, right? Do you understand why this is angering me? You made me comment here. You did! It's called the FOURTH OF JULY! Are you insane?"

Rarely does anyone just say that something is wrong with what they have read or that they don't like it. The way people usually do it is to try to destroy someone.

"Hey, stranger from Russia, trying to juggle oranges for the world’s entertainment – you didn't entertain me. How does that feel? Huh! I watched the whole thing and hated it! The whole time I wanted to puke. Why don't you try again, loser!?"

That would actually be much nicer than the comments that people send. People want people to die in comments! Just die. There are RARELY any comments that are constructive.

"Hey, orange-juggling-guy. I see that you are okay, but could use help. I know a juggling teacher in your area. You should give him a call."

Nope. Most of the comments people choose to write?

"Why don't you just die?! Yeah, die! Why don't you get AIDS and die? Trying to entertain me with juggling? I didn't ask you to and I don't want it. Do the world a favor and take your orange-dropping ass to hell!"

You want people who are trying to entertain you to die if you don't find it entertaining? That is how kings acted! Kings would sit on a throne, bored, eating a wild boar thigh, and court jesters would dance in front of them, while the king would decide if they live or die!

"Ugh, pan flute again? Look, cut his head off. No, no. Cut his head off while he's being pulled apart by horses. Wait, wait, wait. Feed his left leg to the dragon, boil his right side, and beat his head in with his pan flute. In the town square. Yes... yes, that pleases the king. And cut his damn head off!"

Kings did that. And now with comment sections, everyone acts like a king! We can all sit at home in our computer chairs, bored, eating a Pop-Tart, deciding the fate of people.

"Ugh, sketch video again? Look, cut your heads off! No, get hit by cars. Wait, wait, wait. I hope a Komodo dragon comes into your house, spitting hot acid, and burns you as he bites you to death while you are holding your 'funny' ideas. Yeah, that pleases xboxowner2657!"

Most of the time, it's either death or nothing. People seem to only want to tell people when they have done something they hate. You can picture people at home when they don't completely hate something.

"We got a smart guy here, huh? Just BARELY entertained me, but dammit, you did. You are lucky, bud! If I hated it, you would be dead! Virtually dead in a terrible way!"

Comment sections also, a lot of the time, contain people who aren't even commenting on what they have seen or read. They are arguing with other people who have commented. They are arguing with other people who are commenting! Commenters arguing with commenters who are commenting! When that happens, they are never arguing about what they have seen or read.

"What are you – dumb? I have never wanted to see someone's entire family be beaten to death in the street before, but you, sir. You... wow."

"Oh, yeah? You hate me, huh? Why don't you keep sleeping with your two-ton wife in that trailer home of yours, you middle school janitor! Tell your kids 'Cletus' and 'SarahAnneJessicaJessieBeth' that the fries are done!"

"Actually, bud, I live in Pittsburgh. Get your story straight. I'm going back to watching this Prince video and I hope that communist pinko dirtbag bastards like you leave me alone!"

"You actually like Prince? You're what's wrong with the planet."

"If you don't like him, why are you here?"

"I'm here to get hate off of my chest! That's why I'm here! You got a problem with that, un-American?!"

Also, why do people have to act as if they are Christopher Columbus in comment sections? People love to discover untouched comment sections like it's land and place their "first!" there.

"Whoa! Look at this. No one’s been here before. I'm the first! First! I'm the first one to comment! I'm like the pilgrims. There should be a Comments-givings Day for what I've accomplished! I'll tell the world through comments!"

Why do people do this? Did they even see the thing they're commenting on? Does it matter to them? Do they just search the internet for empty comment sections?

"Nope, that one is filled up... not this one either... BAM! I'm the first! Oh, man. What a rush. Now I can sleep."

Another reason they should be taken away from us? People cannot control their emotions on them. Tears are shed, voices are raised, and emotions run high. People take these so seriously and get so upset when someone disagrees with them.

"Ya know, when my mother died I wasn't as upset as this loser telling me that Justin Bieber isn't the lord of the world. I... I don't even know what to say... YES HE IS! Oh, God!"

Disagreements over meaningless things turn into screaming matches. If you disagreed with someone in real life over nothing, it wouldn't always be a screaming match.

"I think I'm gonna grab some Coke."

"I'm a Pepsi guy myself."

"PEPSI! HOW THE HELL CAN YOU LIKE PEPSI!? ARE YOU STUPID? IS THAT IT? YOU'RE JUST A STUPID PIECE OF TRASH?!"

"...Why are you yelling at me right now? There are kids around us, man. Calm down."

"YOU DISAGREED WITH ME! THIS IS HOW YOU REACT WHEN THAT HAPPENS! YOU SPEAK AT AN UNREASONABLY LOUD VOLUME WHILE CALLING THE OTHER PERSON A PIECE OF GARBAGE!"

Wouldn't happen in real life! Comment sections, though? Every second comment is someone punching his or her keyboard.

"I WANT YOU TO KNOW HOW ANGRY I AM SO I DECIDED TO BREAK THE CAPS LOCK OFF OF MY COMPUTER AND TYPE AWAY! WHY AM I SO ANGRY? WHY AM I SO ANGRY! PROBABLY BECAUSE I CAN'T TYPE ANY SMALL LETTERS! WHY DID I BREAK THE CAPS LOCK KEY OFF? I MAY NOT BE MAD ONE DAY! WELL, I GUESS I'LL JUST LIVE THIS ANGRY FOR THE REST OF TIME. SUCK IT, WORLD!"

People get mad for no reason, and then, even worse, people get mad because their insane racism cannot be contained. There are always some racists throwing their thoughts on multiculturalism on videos. Videos about race? Nope. Could just be a video with two kittens, playing in a box. Is the comment section under that video safe? Two kittens that have no affiliation to any race at all as they are not humans? Absolutely not.

"These kittens are cute and everything, but even their soft furry heads and tiny, cute little paw pads can't curb my anger. Black people need to go! Get back to Africa! I bet these kittens voted for Obama! Get them out of this country, too!"

What is the point of this? Why is it such a constant? Do higher ups at racist groups demand this?

"Jesus, Chris, I told you to type 'Koreans don't deserve to live' on that video of Dora The Explorer!"

"I'm sorry, Cyclops Jerry. I just don't see what that will do."

"Look, just Cyclops, okay? And – my God, don't you see? What if a Korean is reading that comment section right now? Huh?! Now they won't know that they don't deserve to live! Do you understand now?"

"...Well... Jerry, I just think th–"

"Cyclops! And that's it! Question Cyclops Jerry? Time to pay. Go burn fifty crosses and say one hundred 'Jews control the media'."

"...Okay, fine... but can I say quickly? I like being a member here and everything, the cookouts are delicious and the uniform is quite comfortable, but I don't understand the "burning the cross" thing. I mean, we like Jesus, right? Why burn the cross? Doesn't that only hurt us?'

"...You are on thin white ice right now, buddy. GO DO IT!"

Comment sections break down so much, that if there was a comment section attached to nothing, nothing at all, I bet it would still turn angry.

"Hmm, weird. A comment not attached to anything. That's weird."

"If you think it's weird, why don't you kill yourself!"

"What? Don't you find it a little weird there's nothing here to watch or read?"

"I think you're a little weird, bud. Kill yourself!"

"Hey, both of you guys are bitches. Stop crying!"

"How did we all get here? There's nothing here!"

""How did we all get here?" What a loser bitch."

Is there something that says you have to have dropped out of grade five to comment on something? Did any of the people who write in comment sections go to school? At all? Even for one day of their life? Were they raised on a rock in a ravine? Only because I assume that if you were raised on a rock in a ravine, there wouldn't be a lot of schooling on punctuation.

"All right, I'm going to teach you how to snare an animal. It's gonna come in handy out here on this rock that we live on."

"Gotcha. I have to eat."

"Yes, you do. Just as important? Forming a sentence in writing with good punctuation. It won't help you out here beside this algae, but if you ever have to tell someone what you think of their work online, it'll come in handy."

"When will I ever need that skill, though? We live in the woods on this rock. I have never even seen another person!"

"I'm not raising you on this rock in a ravine to act like a kid who was raised on a rock in a ravine. You'll learn proper punctuation!"

"Why are we out here anyway, dad? We have a house."

"I told you, your mother and I had a disagreement about Pepsi. Now snare that squirrel!"

When you are commenting on the internet, why doesn’t punctuation apply? Can you not spare any? Are you saving your periods and commas for that law dissertation you have coming up?

"Man, I'd love to use a question mark here, but I have that big paper due this weekend and I only have ten left. Well, I guess they'll just have to figure out for themselves where I wanted sentences to stop and end. I honestly didn't know I'd have that much to say about Katy Perry."

The punctuation is horrible and so is the spelling! Comment sections are promoting the worst spelling on the planet. People aren't even trying to spell words correctly. Not at all.

"I told u that i d0nt th3nk that u should b famass you are dum not talantd and 2@^n hytiniw 8&&(nhyg), ya know"

There should be a reading level requirement before you're allowed to leave a comment. At the very least, you should have to have heard of Robert Louis Stevenson before you're allowed to say anything about anything.

"What is this? I go to write a comment and they ask me, 'Who wrote Treasure Island?' I don't know that shit. I want to hate now!"

Take these sections away from us! We clearly do not deserve them or know how to use them whatsoever. Let's stop with the war on childhood obesity for a minute, and focus on the war on people de-evolving to their lowest form and screaming at others through broken English and terrible spelling. 

And after everything I've said, leave a comment below.

Man losing his penis.

I read the news on a pretty consistent basis. Not every day, but I browse and like to know what's going on. Not for material or anything, just to get out of conversations with people I don't want to talk to.

"My head is actually a cheese radio. Want to ride?"

"...You hear about the Facebook stock? Something, huh? All right, well, goodbye."

But I read one story this week that really affected me. A story that I think needed to be longer and more popular than it was. A story of a man who had to have his penis amputated due to a flesh-eating disease.

That's right. That's what I said. A flesh-eating disease was eating this man’s penis, so he had to have it amputated. Thought you were having a bad day? This week a little tough? Talk to this man.

"My job is killing me! I have to go in early every day this week, and the train’s not even working this week! Just terrible. You know what I mean, sir?"

"Huh? Yeah, yeah. Let me ask you – when you do get to work, do you have your penis?"

"What? Of course I do. What makes you think that I wou—"

"Yeah, of course you do! OF COURSE YOU DO! Love it! Hug it! It could be gone tomorrow. HUG IT!"

"...You're scaring me..."

"BE SCARED! Maybe a flesh-eating disease will attack it! Maybe you'll have to have it removed!"

"Okay, you're right! My life isn't that bad. I'm going to work even earlier, and staying later! You've reinvigorated me!"

"...Where's my penis?"

The story alone is scary, but what is equally as scary – is the way they decided to tell it. In my opinion, it was much too short for the gravity of this situation. Here is the entire article.

/A man who lost his penis to flesh-eating bacteria after penile implant surgery was unsuccessful in suing the anesthesiologist who'd cleared him for the procedure. Enrique Milla was 60 when he underwent surgery in 2007 to correct erectile dysfunction, but had to have his penis amputated after he developed a gangrenous infection about nine days later, according to the report by Courthouse News Service. Milla sought millions in compensation because, he contended, Dr. Laurentiu Boeru overlooked his diabetes and high blood pressure, which would impede his recovery, the report said. A Miami jury cleared Boeru Tuesday in deciding he had not been negligent. Milla previously settled out of court with Dr. Paul Perito, the urologist who performed the operation, CNS said./

That's it! That's the whole article! Courteney Cox will eat a cheeseburger and her picture will end up on the cover of a magazine with a huge article inside.

'A friend of Courteney's said she recommended other lunch options.'

"I kept saying to her, what about a salad? Why get the cheeseburger – WITH bacon? She wouldn't listen. Will this end her career? I don't know. I wouldn't put her in a movie after what I saw. Cheese AND bacon. Just wow."

A cat will be taken out of a tree, and there will be an article with interviews, a history on the tree, even thoughts from the cat.

'CAT WITH ATTITUDE RESCUED FROM HIGH ALTITUDE'.

"Ya know, I've been living next to that cat for four years, and truthfully? I always thought he had it in him to get up that tree. I mean, look at his front paws! Those are tree-climbing paws."

'The cat was rescued around 7:45pm after being in the tree for what officials are calling 'a couple of minutes'. The cat’s owner knew something was awry.'

"Yeah, I was worried. I looked around my house and thought, "That's weird. Mr. Buttersnuggle is usually right here on the floor at this time." But he wasn't. And that alarmed me, ya know? Just alarming. I love Buttersnuggle... where the hell was he, I thought?"

'After being taken down from the tree, Mr. Buttersnuggle was anything but happy.'

"You think you're a hero, huh? Waking me up like that? Jesus. Is there not a fire that you could be stopping? You know I'm a cat, right? I got up there, I can get down. Get that camera out of my face! I haven't bathed yet!"

'The oak tree that Mr. Buttersnuggle was in had exactly forty-seven branches on it before firefighters had to climb up to rescue the feline from this altitude. After Mr. Buttersnuggle was taken down? Forty-five branches. A sad day for plants and mother earth, but a happy day for animal life and mother animals.'

These stories get full coverage, but a man’s penis having to be amputated due to a flesh-eating disease? That story gets a paragraph and a half? A horror movie come to life and it's as long as three tweets?

"Nothing else to discuss here, folks. Just arguably one of the scariest things that could ever happen to a man, happening to a man due to one of the scariest diseases that anyone could contract, but really, what else is there to say? Nothing, that's what. Flip to the Comics section. That's where the real entertainment is. Wash this bad-feeling article down with a Dilbert story."

There's a lot more to say! A lot!

One, WHY was the surgeon not liable at all? He sued the surgeon and lost. Lost! Lost completely. Not only did he not get what he was asking for, he got nothing. Nothing! How did that happen?

"Your Honor, I lost my penis and it's because of that man."

"What happened?"

"Well, I tried to have him fix my erectile dysfunction and he..."

"Wait, wait. Did you say erectile dysfunction?"

"Yes, that's why..."

"Hahaha. Wow. You have erectile dysfunction?"

"Well, not anymore. I don't even have a..."

"Get a load of this guy, courtroom! Erectile dysfunction! Hahahaha. Oh, man. That is rich. Case dismissed due to the fact that you're not a man. Erectile dysfunction. Wow."

His penis was chopped off, and the only alternative was to have it eaten away with the rest of his body, and he lost this case? Lost the whole thing? This surgeon has to have some sort of responsibility. Shouldn't he have to give him some money out of his pocket at least? At least, the very least, he should be sentenced to take him out to dinner.

"Look, I'm really sorry about your penis. But hey, now you can think with your brain, huh? Haha. Just kidding... it's really just a joke that women would like anyway... and clearly you are not in the mood for such... more breadsticks?"

Another question. He settled out of court with the urologist, but for how much? I think that part of the story should be told. I wonder because I'd like to know – what is the price of never having a penis again? How much money are you okay settling for when you have lost your penis forever?

"Look, man. We need to talk. You messed up and now I have no Thunder Hammer!"

"Is that what you called it?"

"Yeah... no good? Look, not the point! I lost it and I think you owe me money for that. I say one million dollars."

"One million? For a penis? No way."

"What?! That's fair. For my Mic Stand? ...Another nickname. Doesn't matter, you owe me money!"

"Look, I have twenty dollars in my pocket."

"Ah, man... All right, do you have change for parking? It's costing me a lot to come to your office."

"No, just a twenty."

"Dammit! If I still had my Wand of Wonder – I'd hit you with it!"

"That is for sure the best nickname you had for it."

"Thank you."

There should be a tax that you pay into incase something like this happens. Same as retirement, there should be a lost penis fund. I'd assume after something like this you would just want to go on a permanent vacation. Going to work ever again? I think not.

"Where have you been all this week? You missed Monday, Tuesday, Wednesday, and no calls at all? Who do you think you are?! Do you even want this job?"

"Look, I had a flesh-eating disease that ate my penis. I'm sorry that I..."

"Whoa! You had me at flesh-eating disease! I'm going to give you MY paycheck from now on. Stay up, man. Well, not up. Jesus. Sorry!"

Also, a flesh-eating disease? We can still contract these and we don't have cures?! Why are people still making iPhones?! Why are scientists still trying to figure out random things about dinosaurs? We could be eaten from the inside out! This isn't top priority on the 'Bacteria/Diseases To Find Cures For' list? It should at least be top five.

"Okay, I think I've done it! I may just have discovered that dinosaurs might actually have been the first creatures on the planet to dance!"

"Wait, what? THAT'S what you're working on? You know there's a bacteria out there that will eat your flesh?"

"Well, yes, I do know that. But look!  Dinosaurs could have..."

"...You still talking about this? Flesh-eating bacteria, man! Higher importance. Some guy could lose his penis to this! I don't care if the dinosaurs invented the hammer dance!"

"...Please, T-rex, don't hurt 'em..."

"...Okay, funny. But come on!"

Of all the ways to lose your penis, this has to be the scariest way to do so. There are some other ways. You could get it caught in a VCR.

"Agh! WHOA! Only thing worse than this pain is the pain of knowing I'm feeling it because I was rewinding 'Ernest Scared Stupid'. WOW!"

A piranha could bite it off.

"Jumping, Christ! Why is there a piranha in this box of crackers?!"

"Oh, yeaaahhhhh. I was gonna mention that. Meant to say, 'Don't go in the kitchen naked, there is a piranha loose in there.' You weren't naked were you?"

"...Agh, dear God! I am. Not even a good idea with the crackers alone, but God! RARELY do you think there will be a piranha able to breathe air roaming your kitchen. My fault, I suppose. Protect yourself at all times."

Am I the only one who feels for this guy? Lost it after sixty years? The man owned it for sixty years, and then boom! No more, and he gets a paragraph and a half and no money? If it were a baby who had to have his penis amputated at birth, we'd all be upset.

"What a travesty! That baby had to lose his penis because it was so crooked that during an erection there would be absolutely no way that it wouldn't completely wrap around his left leg, cutting off circulation, and killing it. Wow, just a shame."

We'd all feel bad, and that baby would never have even used it! The baby would not have even known how great having one could be. This sixty-year-old man does! He's been down the road, up the road, off the road, and through the woods with his penis. I'm assuming at sixty, anyway.

The man is sixty years old and has to live the rest of his life with no penis. None. None! After sixty years! That's insane. I've had one for only twenty-six years, and I can tell you, I can't live the rest of my life without it. And it's not because of sex, or because I want to put it in other things, or because I like touching it, it's just... come on! No penis at all? Nothing? That's huge. If this guy had lost his arm because a doctor tried to give him a bionic elbow and it came to life and was going to attack his nervous system if it wasn't removed, this blog would not exist.

"There you are, sir. Your bionic elbow should be working just fine. 

Actually, better than fine! You should be able to throw a ball just as fast as that kid in Rookie of the Year!"

"Oh, gee, thanks, doc. That's great. You know, I've had terrible things to say about your profession over the years, but in times of need, you guys real–"

"GREETINGS, HUMANS! I AM ELBOW, AND I AM HERE TO DESTROY THE MAN I AM ATTACHED TO!"

"Ohhhh, Gooooddddd!"

"Ahhhhh! Only one thing to do! I'll have to saw off your whole arm!"

"I CANNOT BE REMOVED. ONCE I AM ATTACHED, I AM <sawing sounds> I... CAN'T... I CAN'T... I HAVE BEEN BESTED. DAMN BARBARIC MEDICAL TECHNIQUES."

"Whoa. I apologize, sir. That had to happen. Your arm was going to take you out."

"...I understand. Thank you. Now, can you stitch it up before the adrenaline wears off and I feel the pain?"

"Gotcha... bionic arm again? Haha. Just kidding."

"Please hurry. It's starting to hurt."

However, that's not what happened. A man lost his penis due to a FLESH-EATING DISEASE. I just wanted that to be said again.