Hockey. Like it!

Growing up, I never liked hockey. Yep. Growing up in Canada, I never liked it. Always thought it was dumb. One reason, is probably that I was supposed to like it being from Canada. It was ALWAYS ON. People ALWAYS talked about it. Kids wanted to play it. It was all over the place. That pushed me away from it.
"Hey, we're all talking this thing and watching it on TV as much as possible. You want in?"
"Can we talk about or watch something else?"
"What did you just say? Hockey! We're talking HOCKEY! Are you dumb? H-O-C-... and the other letters!"

Also, because everyone in school who liked hockey talked about watching it with their dads. Almost one hundred percent of the time. I didn't have that growing up. Not too many people watched hockey with their moms alone.

"Me and my mom were watching hockey last night. Just the two of us. Then we did some electrical work around the house and my mom taught me how to pick up chicks. She's the best."

That conversation rarely happened. Watching with a dad? Happened every day. 

Now though, I'm a fan. I've been to a few games, I'll watch it on TV whenever I get the chance. 

I became a fan about a year and a half ago. I was walking to a show in NY just after the last NHL lockout ended. Walking past a bar, I looked in at a TV, and saw a player from the Bruins squaring off against a player from the Rangers. I'm looking at them punch each other, and I thought why the hell have I never liked this? Those men... are fighting... on skates. Skates! While on ice! Fighting on the ground is hard. Skating is hard. Fighting on skates on ice? Insane. Getting punched in the face while you stand on a slippery surface wearing knives? Unreal. Became a fan right there.

Not just because of the fighting. I'm not a fan of UFC, or watching two animals fight in the street, but fighting is such a gentleman thing in hockey. One reason, because now when players fight they are not allowed to take their helmets off. So what do players do when they're going to fight? They look at each other, and each player takes the others helmet off. That's some pure gentleman stuff right there.

I love that problems are settled right then and there. You don't like how you were hit? Or how a guy crashed into your goalie? Or some dude just keeps chirping you? Fight him. Right there. There's no waiting until after the game to complain to the press. You never see hockey players after the games talking about fights during press conferences, because that problem is SOLVED.

That's not the only reason I like hockey. I tried to get into football, but for me there's too much stoppage in play. Football, when a guy who has the ball gets tackled, most times there's a whistle. In hockey, a guy who has the puck will get rocked in the middle of the ice. He'll lose his stick, his helmet will blow off, his soul is cracked. Do they blow a whistle? Do they stop play so that this man can collect his thoughts and catch up with everyone? Nope. He has to just pick his life up while the game goes on around him. 

"Is NO ONE going to stop? Do they not see me here? One of my arms blew off! My kids are yelling from the stands that I'm a loser! You're just going to skate BY me? I see how it is, guys. Wait til you catch a puck in the face. See if I care!"

Going to NHL games live is great. I've been to a game in Jersey, New York, and Long Island. New Jersey and Long Island have some great fans. People screaming at guys for messing up simple things. First two minutes of the Islanders game, a player missed a pass, and a fan lost it.
"What the hell are you doing? Get off the goddamn ice! Undress and get the hell out of here!"
First two minutes. Just a regular season game. Guy losing his mind.
It's a small thing, but I like at NHL games too that during the game, the building doesn't play music over top of it. I've always thought that was weird about basketball games. Players have to listen to concerts during games.
"Started from the bottom now I'm here!"
"Drake, can you get off the damn court? I'm trying to shoot a three."

I got up at 630am to watch the Gold Medal game of the Olympics. Years ago I would have just made fun of it and slept in, waking up to here people talking about what happened and still not caring. I'm happy I like it now. Now I just need a dad to talk to about it! Jokes. Just jokes, guys.

To really get a hockey experience while reading this, listen to some ACDC while doing it.

Twitter @nathanmacintosh

Rap, commercials, life. Cool ain't cool.

The image that gets shown to us as cool makes me upset. I get really mad about it. One thing that is apparently cool is to act hard, have sex with tons of women, and call them bitches.
"Hey, look at that guy. He can't string a sentence together and he called that girl a bitch because he had sex with her and he doesn't want a relationship. Cool as hell."
It isn't. It's ridiculous. Rap and life are very different things. One is entertainment. The other has real people in it that are all going through stuff.

I like rap music. A lot. From conscience rap to the most ignorant stuff that comes out. Do I ACTUALLY think it's cool for someone to get shot? No. Do I ACTUALLY think it's cool to throw hundreds of dollars in the air? Not at all. We think these people are cool because they're in videos with hot women and money. We think, 'Yo, look at all the women he's got. That's awesome.' THESE WOMEN ARE PAID TO BE THERE! She didn't show up just because this person has clever rhyme schemes. THEY ARE PAID! You got ten grand? You can get this woman to stand in a hallway of your house for an hour. 

"Yeah. Sway from left to right next to this end table with a look in your eye that says you only ever think about having sex. And watch out for the door. My mom will be home soon."

These rappers are only ever shown with gorgeous, big ass women in short shorts who are just waiting to blow you. We think that's what they have. Not always true. You ever see Paul Walls wife? Or Snoop Doggs? Or T- Pains? Go look at these people right now. Regular looking human beings. They look good, but they don't look like the video girls. Would we think rappers were cool if they showed their real women in these videos? Probably not. You can't show someone who actually helps you through this life. Show the big tits, fake bullshit so everyone thinks you're killing it! Best is, these rappers are married to regular people, and we'll say those women are ugly because of the girls these rappers show us constantly in videos. 

"Yo, he married THAT girl? What about the woman leaning on that Maybach? She NEVER wears pants! He's a loser."

This idea to that rap puts out about not trusting people. This 'No New Friends' garbage. Just you, and four other people. Everyone else is trash. Don't trust people you don't know. Strangers are awful, terrible people who are trying to kill you. Talking to them ain't cool. Walk the earth with the five people you met when you were younger and NEVER make another friend. THAT'S cool.
"These people just happened to go to my daycare. I will only talk to them from now on. You stay over there. You are trash and I do not trust you. I will have no new friends of any kind at any point in life."
NEW FRIENDS! ALWAYS BE MAKING NEW FRIENDS! Is that not cool?

Dumb and ignorant is not cool. It's a wrestling move used in rap to make money. Actual dumb is not 'real' , 'straight up', or 'keeping it a hundred' It's just... straight... dumb.  You can't be smart and cool? You can't know about a foreign country without being cool? You can't  say 'I don't give a fuck' every three seconds and be a cool person? You can't have good marks, go to college, and care about your future if you want to be considered cool?

I'm tired of seeing that being cool is only ever talking about the good in your life. I did this, I did that. I'm doing this. I'm the best. That ain't cool! It's a fraud that most of us put up to look cool in front of other people. We are NOT all balling. And 'balling' is a stupid thing too. Most of the time it's people spending money they don't have on things they don't need.

"Gucci belt. Balling! I ain't got food at my house, but this fabric strap around my waste? Outta control, son!"

Making fun of celebrities is not cool. Stop doing it. Leave these people alone. Watch their movies, or listen to their music, and if you want to comment on those things? Sure. But jesus christ, making fun of what they're wearing, or how they walk, or what they eat, or how they react in an interview, just stop. You are not cool because you come up with the most clever way to say that Justin Bieber should burn alive in a drunk driving accident. You think you are? Find Perez Hilton and you two can beat each other off in a 'whose cattier?' circle.

Alcohol commercials show us that drinking is cool. Loud music, dancing. Cool, right? Sure. But when was the last time you were out in a place that resembled an alcohol commercial? Never. In REAL life, there are some unattractive people in a bar. 

"Heavens, no! We can't show them that? Why would they continue to drink Bud if they think that an ugly person is going to be around? Or a big person? We can't show big people! THEY DON'T EXIST WHEN YOU'RE DRINKING! Just good looking girls, and good looking/ goofy looking guys exist when Bud is around. EVERYONE knows that."

They never show commercials about actual things that happen when drinking. When was the last time they showed a commercial with someone throwing up? Or crying about their ex? Or drinking until they couldn't walk? Or fighting someone because they're too drunk to understand that you shouldn't do that? Can't show that stuff. That stuff ain't cool. I used to drink a ton. I've been around a bunch of people who did the same. Had drinking always been like a commercial, I never would have stopped. These commercials have the audacity to show a guy about to hook up with three hot girls, and then say 'Drink responsibly.' What? Why would anyone do that, when if you drink, apparently you are in places where there are only hot people that want you? You want me to be a sex machine responsibly? We're supposed to slow down on this magic fuck potion that makes everything amazing? Sure thing.

Being rude to people you don't know isn't cool. Screwing up your life isn't cool. Writing more than a thousand words in a blog about cool isn't cool, so I'll stop now.

Twitter@nathanmacintosh

A man orders a sandwich. What he received was a blog about those types of articles.

You've seen a headline like this. It's pretty much all Facebook has become. People posting articles with ridiculous, goading titles that make others click on them.

"A woman looks at a snake. What she saw in it's dead eyes made her switch to Geico."

"A man opens his phone bill. What he saw under 'Balance Due' made him rock hard."

These articles are posted everyday, people click, and what happens next, will rock your whole face to your core and back up to your head then off again to the floor.

What usually happens is the article is supposed to see a situation in a different light. Snakes aren't that bad, have human feelings, and can turn you on. You never know what you'll find in the mail. That type of thing. People get sad, or happy, or inspired by the story. They are always supposed to have some kind of point. Some sort of life lesson that you will pick up at the end of the story. You're supposed to click, and change how you look at the world.
"Wow. I always hated opening my phone bill. I mean, it's just more money I have to throw away. But this one made a guy rock hard? From now on, I'll be excited to open them!"

What really happens? Is that someone, somewhere makes money from the ads that are posted on this story. You click on it, someone gets paid. Which is why they are written to get you to open them. It works. If someone comes up to you and is very vague about something, you'd want to know more about the situation.
"Hey, I ordered a rum and coke from this bar. What they gave me opened my mind up to unimaginable things."
(Person walks away)
"Woa. I was going to get a rum and coke. What the hell did he get? Sex on the beach? Tom Collins? DMT? I gotta ask him."

It's not just these types of articles that make us click. There are articles that instantly make people angry, and so they click to read more. "Man kicks ice cream cone into kids face". "Bus driver won't let old woman on the bus". "Second graders thrown off of a cliff because they couldn't find Dakota on a map". People will post these articles and comment underneath to let you know how angry they are.

"'Man strangles dog with live cat.' How the hell could he do that?! This is awful. Do you hear me, cat rope strangler! I hate you! I hope a fifty foot cat chokes YOU!"

An article about a woman who beat her kids with a bike that's on fire will be posted. She lives in Sasquatch, Kentucky or wherever the hell, and we'll get pissed that this woman lit this ten speed on fire and started playing tee ball with her kids. We shouldn't care at all. 

Why do I say we shouldn't care? Because honestly, I don't believe that all of these articles are real. There's no way. Am I an article doctor? No. But there's no way some of these aren't just meant to get you outraged so that you click. Why would there be a news story about a racist letter a woman wrote? I saw an article that was 'Woman writes letter to her neighbour that she should have her autistic son put down". Real thing? I don't believe it. And again, even if it is, the woman's an idiot, who cares? She's not the president. She doesn't have any power. A letter at your door like that is just a written out YouTube comment.
"I would love to post that her autistic son scares the hell out of me and should die, but she doesn't have a video of him online. Wait! People used to write letters when they wanted to comment. To my pen and paper!"

I think a lot of this stuff is wrestling. It's made up to make us angry. Wrestlers do this constantly. Get people riled up to buy pay per views and to buy tickets to live events. Cool. Not a problem. They are selling a show. When writers do it, there is no 'show'. There is an article. Still, if they want to make us angry, put some show behind it. Write it like a wrestling promo.
"Let me tell you something, brother! When this man in Oklahoma kicked a dog, dude, he did it with all of the force of the Hulkamaniacs, man! He said his prayers, ate his vitamins, and really leaned into this kick, dude. That dog started barking, man, yelping in pain. This Sunday, when animal and man are forced into the squared circle for a rematch, brother, who knows who will come out on top! Will dog kick man? Will man bite dog? This Sunday, live at the Pontiac Silver dome, it's Ruff-venge, dude!"

I don't think these articles are real either because there's no resolution at all. No follow up. What happened to the woman and that stupid letter? Where did the guy who was putting seventy eight year old, and ONLY seventy eight year old women, in the Boston Crab until their spines cracked go to? Usually, news stories have resolutions.
'We found the suspect. Man who was putting a live turkey in his ass and then going to the grocery store? Yep. Caught him. No more 'gobble gobble' and 'wobble wobble' for this man.'
Unless we see follow ups to crazy headlines, we shouldn't get upset. Until then, the story could just be a way to get you to click. 

twitter @nathanmacintosh

The Way To Do Twitter.

Some people think twitter is just for jokes. Some people think it's just for news or used for keeping up to date with what's happening in the world. And then, there's others, who know EXACTLY what twitter should be used for. They follow a certain set of rules, and therefore, have the greatest time possible on the site. Here are some of those rules.

1. Use Twitter to tell someone they should die because they don't like what you like.
One of the greatest things about twitter is that you can let the people who you don't like the same things as you know exactly how they should die. And why not? They said something you don't agree with. Makes sense. They think Obama is doing a good job, you don't. Death. They like the Mets. Is there any amount of spikes through their face that's enough for this infraction? Absolutely not. They worked on something, put it out into the world and you don't like it. Well THAT'S a barrel of acid in their face and face of their whole family. I'm with you. Who do they think they are to not ask the whole world what they think of something before they put it out? Murder directly to their face. You're right. Send a tweet at them detailing all of these things. That's what it's here for.

2. Use Twitter for racist/hateful thoughts.
You can't just drive around yelling at EVERY type of person you hate. It takes so much damn time. And maybe you live in a place where most of the people you hate don't even live. How can you yell at THOSE people? Twitter has got you covered. Black people are terrible. All asian people are chinese. Gay people SHOULD be burned. Best is, you don't have to waste time writing a thesis. No need for a middle or closing arguments. No need to post it and ask others to read. Just get straight to the point. "Women are terrible!" "I can't stand Slovakians!" "Somebody tell Connie Chung that she should go back to Afghanistan! #Asia." There you go. Twitter will deliver that message. People will get this message, and they'll change their ways.

3. Use Twitter for thoughts about a documentary you just watched.
Yep, you watched a documentary, and instantly changed your mind about a topic. You think other people should as well. You think that all whales should be set free. Well, get on twitter. You can't believe that that's how these whales were treated. You thought that taking a whale out of it's habitat and putting it into a big bowl was a good thing. That the whales were kept at a persons house with the password to NetFlix when they weren't working. Hey, I'm with you. Makes sense. Who would have thought that trapping an animal and taking it away from it's family was a bad thing? Whales should be so excited that humans like them. Is there a Cockroach World? A Spider Land where we watch tarantulas do tricks? No. Because we hate those things and crush them on site. Take to twitter with the documentary thoughts. People that capture whales should be beaten within an inch of their life. You are outraged today, and twitter has got you covered.

4. Use Twitter to worry about what some idiot thinks.
You're scrolling through twitter, and you see somebody is pissed about some other guy. You check out that guy, and see it's some stupid preacher in the middle of nowhere who has a congregation of two hundred people who says that homosexuality is an abomination. Time to spend the day getting angry about it! 'How could he say that?' you tweet. 'Gay people are great people. I have so many gay friends' you type in one hundred and forty characters. Or you are gay. How could this complete loser, piece of garbage idiot think this way and say it to other loser, pieces of garbage people who believe it? It is time, to use your twitter to give them more attention. Start typing away, tweets at this man, to people who hadn't heard of this idiots hateful thoughts. Let everyone know what he said! I mean, that's kinda what he wanted. Get right in there and help him out. He hates gay people? You'll show him. You'll tell everyone about him. Crisis averted, and twitter was there.

5. Use Twitter to be the first to make a horrible joke about a tragedy.
A kid was just set on fire and thrown off a cliff. A whole city was destroyed by a maniac with a nuclear weapon. Horrible tragedy. What's that time for? Jokes. Jokes about what has happened. If you can be the first to be the most callous and disgusting person, maybe you'll get some sort of deal for something. Maybe you'll get more followers. The ULTIMATE thing! The people involved in this tragedy need jokes. That's for sure. They're carrying their arms, bleeding from the soul. I'd need a joke in that situation.
"Hey, man. You had glass blown into your face from that explosion. That's seven years bad luck!"
"Oww, hey... hahaha. That's great, man. Really funny, ow. Thanks! That's better than bandages."
Don't wait a day. Don't even wait an hour. Tweet out something hilarious about people in pain during the coverage. Good way to use twitter.

6. Use Twitter to let others know compliments you receive.

A lot of times people won't repeat compliments. They say them once and on days when you feel bad you can sit in a bed wondering what it's all for, trying to remember that compliment. Twitter has got you covered. Send that compliment out again, to everyone! It's a strange thing to do because it's not as if you're sending the compliment out to people who haven't heard of you. The compliment goes to people who are already following you. They know you're good! That's why they pushed the button. Are you trying to make your followers feel comfortable about their decision? Are you self conscience about their thoughts of you? Either way, good for you. You probably go up people at parties and tell them what others think about you. 

"Hey. Guess what that guy over there said about me? Said I'm PRETty awesome."

"Cool. I think the same thing. That's why I came to your party."

"Yeah, I know. But THAT guy, that you don't know, he also thinks I'm PRETty awesome."

Twitter @nathanmacintosh

Diner? Let's do it.

I love diners. Love them. Just about every city, town, village, borough, municipality, alleyway has a diner. Even places so small that they only have two intersections. One of those intersections will have a diner. Probably a diner/gas station/ tire shop/ shower for truckers/ police station/ liquor store, but it will be there. Or it's four am and you're wandering in a city, you want some food, and over the hill, what do you see? A gorgeous, tiny, come as you are diner. Love these damn places for many reasons.

EVERYONE goes to diners. Every type of person. Hot people go to diners, ugly people, tall people, tiny baby people, amputees, full-utees, and everyone in between. You can see giant men in scooters whose flab is touching the floor crushing milk shakes. You can see a gorgeous woman with a huge ass in tight pants passing out drunk while eating a cheeseburger. People who look like they've strangled cats. People who look like they help people strangle cats. Cops. The complete opposite of cops. Diners are like grown up cafeterias in city high schools. Jocks, nerds, teachers, posers. They are all there.

Diners are usually opened twenty four hours. All damn day! How great is that? What other places are open twenty four hours? Some grocery stores, sure, which is great, but it's food that you then have to make. Not even all shady places are open all day. Strip clubs close. And where do those strippers end up? Diners. I guess drug houses are open twenty four hours a day, but you can't get a pulled pork sandwich in a building that also sells meth.
"Yo, man. I need an eight ball, and a Cuban."
"Cuban? Cigar? Cuban person, motherfucker?"
"Naw, the sandwich. Cuban sandwich."
"I cook meth here, not meat.... Wait. If I cooked meat, you'd buy, meat, AND meth? Let me think about it."

Diners also don't have any weird rules. ANY time of day, you go in to a diner you can get what you want. That doesn't happen anywhere else. McDonald's has strict breakfast times. Not diners. Want breakfast at 11pm? Done. You want to start your day with a turkey dinner and a bowl of raisin bran? No problem. Where else can your ridiculous craving for pancakes and whip cream with a side of gyro meat at four in the morning be filled? Not even at a place that only sells those things.
"Hey, can I get combo number one?"
"I'm sorry, sir, but we ar..."
"What do you mean? You are called 'Pancakes and whip cream gyro meat dreams'! Tag line, 'Are you a monster who wants these things together? Well come on in and we'll make you feel better'.
"Yes, I know. But we are closed. This is a very niche store. We gonna keep this open all day? You're the only person I've seen eat here and we go through this every night! See you tomorrow, Chris."
".... Alright. Goodnight, Steve."

Menus at diners are massive. You could beat somebody to death with a diner menu. Some of these things are about twenty pages. Twenty pages! Of food! In one place! How do they have space for this? Do they NEED twelve types of sandwiches? Nope. But they have them. Why? Because diners are magical. Five different muffins. Seven cakes. Eight burger options. Don't even try to count the number of ways you can get potatoes. Gyros, soups, kabobs, desserts. Diners are the Shang Tsung of restaurants. It's like they have sucked up everything off of everyone else's menu. About four hundred food options, and twelve seconds to decide what you want. Usually a waitress will hand you a menu, spin in a circle, and ask you if you're ready.
"Hey, here's an encyclopedia of every piece of food ever made. Also, don't forget, that you can also order whatever you want, even if it's not on the menu, and we'll figure it out for you... Do you know what you want?"
"I haven't opened the menu yet."
"Okay. I'll give you a minute.... (rock paper scissors with herself) .... You ready now?"

There are no topics of conversation off limit in these places. You can talk about ANYTHING in these places. Family, sex, breaking the law. People for sure plan bank jobs in diners. Criminals sitting in booths for hours talking about how they're going to get the key from the manager.
"Honestly, I say, just walk in, crack him in the fuc... Oh, yeah. I'll have a cherry coke and a burger. Hey, let me ask you a question. If you were gonna get the keys from your manager, you think cracking him in the head would get the job done?"
"Um. No. I'd just ask him."
"(GASP) Just ask him!"
People sit in diners and talk about work. People go into diners late and talk about banging people in club bathrooms. At any level, too. You can talk as loud as you want about the sex you're having.
"LAST NIGHT I BANGED THIS PERSON AND IT WAS A GREAT TIME!"
"Oh yeah? That sounds awesome."
"IT WAS! WE WERE MAKING AS MUCH NOISE AS I AM RIGHT NOW, IN THIS DINER! LAST NIGHT I YELLED 'DEAR GOD, I HAVE NEVER BEEN THIS HARD, I MIGHT BREAK SOMETHING', AND NOW,  I'M GOING TO YELL, 'HEY, PUT EXTRA CHEESE ON THAT BURGER. I HAVE NEVER BEEN THIS HARD!"

Diners also aren't picky about how long you're there. You can order a coffee, maybe a bagel, sit there for six hours, nobody will anything say to you. Chill the whole damn day. Any other place letting you do that? Don't think so. You can't go into Red Lobster, just get biscuits, and sit there for hours.
"What would I like....? Well, I'm going to maybe talk on my phone for awhile, maybe someone will come meet me. I'll probably have a bunch of cigarettes waiting for this bus I have to get on... That'll probably be six hours.... I'll just have a diet pepsi. And keep em coming."

Waiters and waitresses at diners don't care what you're doing. If you walked into a steakhouse with puke on your shirt, you might get some looks.

"Hello, I'll be serving you tonight. Can I start you with som... oh god."

"Wooooooo! Yeah. I'll start with.... (burp)... ah, god. I'll take a .... fuuuuuucckkkkk."

"Sir, there's a little bit of... you have some... on your shirt there."

"Oh, this? Yeah.... it's not mine. A girl fell into me an.... (burp)... I'll take a.... aaahhhhh, I can't stop spinning."

Waiters at diners? Won't even look twice. You could come in there with your head cut off, holding a dead hooker. They won't even blink an eye.

"Hey, sorry that I'm coming in this way, but before I head to the hospital I wanted to get some food."

"Sorry? Sorry for what? Wasting my time? Just order your food. Is that head eating? What does it want?"

And that's another thing that makes diners great. It's acceptable to be what you are. You're beyond trashed? You're a seven hundred pound cripple? You have half a head and six arms? Cool. How do you take your coffee? Diners won't kick you out for being drunk. Diners won't kick you out for being smacked out of your mind on smack. Diners won't even kick you out for beating a kid at your table for not eating his dinosaur shaped chicken nuggets (which diners have!). As long as diners are around, we will all have a place to go.

twitter @nathanmacintosh

New Years Eve. The most overhyped day of the year.

New Years Eve. It keeps happening, every single year. And every year, it's the most overhyped day. Expectations of this night run way too high. St. Patricks Day gets a lot of hype. Halloween, Christmas are pumped up. But those Holidays have other things attached to them other than getting drunk and yelling at midnight. New Years Eve doesn't have presents, it doesn't have dinners or costumes or one man who flies through the entire world breaking into houses to leave things for children. It's just drinking and yelling. And still, NYE never lives up to it's own hype.

By some girls, NYE gets treated like prom. Every single year. Every year they have to make sure everything's perfect. Have something specific to wear, have a place picked out to go to, have a table reserved at said place, have a timetable of when you're allowed to drink before hand and at what time you have to go to get to 'the spot'.
"So, I'm going to wear this, we're going to drink here, my hair has to be perfect, we have to leave here by this time or we won't make it and then 2014 is gonna suck!"
And if everything doesn't go according to plan? Woa. Look out. You are going to see a lot of people crying, a lot of mascara running, a lot of screaming about what should have been and where friends are.
"Well the hell is Stacy?! I haven't seen her in an hour and I have her phone. Is she dead? What happened to her?"
"I don't know. Last I saw her she was inside and she said she just found a whole bunch of random pills in her drink."
"Like 'random' random or random?"

These are the same girls who are crying at the end of the night. Tons of women crying because it's too cold, they're too drunk, or the night didn't go exactly as they planned.

"At exactly midnight this bottle of wine was supposed to be open and THAT bottle of wine was supposed to be closed! Ahhhhhhhh, nothing goes right!"

"Why are you crying?"

"Because EVERYTHING fell apart, that's why! It WAS gonna be great, but I couldn't find the cork screw, and SOME people don't know how to finish a bottle of wine. HERE, THIS is how you drink it, you idiots!"

Getting a cab on New Years is insane. You might as well bring the raw materials to make your own and go from there.

"Alright, let's bail. Call a cab?"

"Yeah, sure. If we want to wait until next New Years. Nope. I'm going to piece a car together. I have a transmission. Does anyone have ANY of the other parts of a car?"

"... I have an air freshener?"

"First we BUILD the car, THEN we worry about how it smells, alright, Gary?!"

Some people can't believe that cabs would be busy on NYE. I was looking up a number for a cab the other day and came across this companies yelp page. Someone gave them one star, so I wanted to see why. This was some of what they said.

"This company is THE WORST. New Years Eve, we're drinking at my house. At 11, we call a cab to go to a bar for 12. The cab driver says it'll be a half hour. He shows up fifty minutes later. So now we're in a cab at 11:50, and it's almost midnight!"

I'll stop there. Who the hell is this maniac to think that you can call a cab an hour before the countdown and MAKE it to where you wanted to go? AN HOUR. On easily one of the busiest cab nights of the year. Cabs aren't going to go right on this day. 

When I was 18 I think,  me and some friends were drinking at a hotel, and heard about a party that was happening. We jumped in a cab and started heading over there. We got stuck in traffic, until the countdown happened. So we did the countdown, in the cab, with the cab driver. Missed the most important part of the night because of traffic. Do you miss Christmas if you get stuck in traffic? That would have to be some LONG traffic jam for that.
"Look, have dinner without me. I've already been stuck here for twelve hours, and a man in front of me just lit his car on fire. I'll see you on the 26th."

You have to be ready to countdown at midnight. If you miss the countdown, what was the whole thing for? Halloween, Christmas, no other holiday has that sort of pressure on it. There's no specific time you have to open presents or they get thrown out. And you're supposed to kiss someone at midnight. The NYE countdown is like the last slow song at a school dance. You better be holding someone, kissing something when it happens, or you're just watching people have a good time.

One of the worst things about NYE for me, is always having lived in places where it's cold on that night. Celebrating in the freezing cold is not fun. I bet living in a hot place that night is instantly better.

"You want to wear a t-shirt and walk to the bar?"

"Like every night? You're damn right!"

You have something on you want people to see, but you have to wear winter clothes over top of everything. Most people don't want to do that though. People waiting in line wearing just the stuff they want to be seen in. No winter jackets, no scarves, no hats. Just cocktail dresses, dress shirts, and maybe some blazers. You can't be seen being warm. People will think you're a loser! 

"Dress pants, dress shoes with no socks, and a dress shirt open to my chest. Ready to go out."

"It's freezing outside. You want to put a jacket on?"

"Naw, man. I look amazing. And that line up won't be long."

ALL the line ups are long. Not just the ones to get in, the ones to get alcohol once you're there are long too. You bring a book? Well, then what are you going to do when you wait? Talk to the people around you? Probably not. Music is blaring in your face. To yourself? You could do that.
"Man, I love standing here waiting to pay twelve dollars for a rum and coke. It's amazing that I have to wait for that expensive of a beverage. Maybe the extra seven dollars is for all the watering down they'll do to it. Thanks, NYE."

Line up for coat check is long as hell. Also, coat check is a complete scam. One, because too many people are wearing plain black pea coats. It's way too easy for those to get lost and for you to end up with someone else's coat. 

"Is this mine?"

"It's a black peacoat. Who cares."

"But mine had different buttons right here."

"And now it has different buttons there. Big deal."

Two, because why can't you just keep your coat? You bought it. Some places force you to check your coat. They make you do it. Not only are you not allowed to keep your coat, you have to pay for them to take it off your hands. That's ridiculous. You should have the option. Being forced to do it is not right.

"Sir, give me your coat."

"I'm good. I'll just keep it."

"Ah, no . You cannot keep it. Give me it, and give me money for me forcing you to give it to me as well."

"I don't want to do any of these things!"

"You're a cheap piece of garbage. You don't like having someone else handle the coat you bought and pay them to do it? You probably put water in your ketchup."

Probably the best time you're going to have on New Years is one where you stay home with people you like. Just watch the ball drop from home. Do you know how terrible it would be to actual BE there? Once you are in Times Square, you are not leaving. People go to the bathroom in bottles! You're stuck there for hours! And for what? There's a bunch of people jammed one top of you who are holding bottles of their own piss. Sweet. And you get to see some of your favourite artists sing one song, and also artists you hate do the same thing. Does that sound fun?
"Man, where can I go to stand in the cold for hours around tons of people I don't know who are urinating in Fanta bottles and wearing diapers? And even if I find THAT place, how do I find that place that also has Anderson Cooper conducting this whole night of piss bottle fun? ... No. You're serious?! New Years Eve in Times Square has ALL of that? Well, Jesus. I'm shocked. My dreams have come true. Happy New Year!"

Twitter @nathanmacintosh

Christmas is Christmas no matter where you Christmas.

I've always liked Christmas. Now though, for different reasons. Now, as an adult, I can do what I want on that day. As a kid you might have to have dinner at a certain time, or go to a family members house. As an adult, don't have to do anything. Don't have to go to a certain persons house for dinner at a certain time. Don't have to have conversations with cousins about the weather.
"Cold out there, huh?"
"Yep. It's winter."
"Yeah, but it's winter in LA, and it's not cold there!"
"Two different places I guess."
"Yeah, but one place is cold, and the other place, well, it just isn't! Isn't that something!?"
Okay, so conversations like that rarely happen to that kind of extreme, but still. I choose to spend Christmas how I want.

That means for the last couple of years I've stayed in New York for Christmas. Because I stay here and it's not where my family lives, I get invited to orphan Christmas.
"You want to come to orphan Christmas dinner?"

"Nope. Orphan is not really a fun word. Sounds terrible."

"Oh, it's not a Christmas for orphans. In this case, YOU'RE the orphan because you won't be with your family, so I'm inviting you to mine."

"So, I'll go, and they'll look at me all day like my family were burned to death in a fire?"

"Sort of. Also, they weren't? Then why aren't you going home?"

Putting the word 'Orphan' in front of anything doesn't make it sound appealing.
"You're cute. You want to have an orphan threesome with me and my friend?"
"I don't even think orphans would want to have an orphan threesome."

I have places I can go, I just choose not to. I'm back and forth to Canada a decent amount, and flying home at Christmas is way too expensive. It cost almost a thousand dollars to get home. Why? Because there's not a lot of direct flights from NY to New Brunswick, and also, it's Christmas. Airlines can charge whatever they want.
"Alright. I need to fly from Halifax to Northern Halifax for Christmas. Let's see how much that would cost. Seven hundred bucks?! It's an hour flight. What the hell, airlines!"
"We're sorry. When you really want to get somewhere during a certain time of year, we raise the prices. Same flight in January would be four hundred dollars less. But, there's no reason to go home in January, now is there? So, will you be checking one bag, or two?"

Also, why is it necessarily sad when someone doesn't go home for Christmas? How do you know what their family Christmas would be like? People sort of assume that you just HAVE to go home for Christmas. If you don't, something must be wrong and you must be the most depressed person on earth.
"You're not going home for Christmas? Wow. You okay? You thinking about ending it all? How are you even able to stop crying long enough to tell me that? Was your family murdered by ninjas on Christmas? I am so truly, truly sorry."
Not all Christmas's or families on Christmas are the way they are shown to us in commercials. Every commercial for Christmas shows a mom and a dad, both wearing terrible sweaters, in a big house with at least two kids, a dog is running around, their tree is massive, and there's so many presents under the tree it'll take until the 26th to open them all. They NEVER show commercials with people living in apartments. Why? Do people in apartments not celebrate Christmas? Do you HAVE to have a set of stairs to run down to really enjoy presents?
"Merry Christmas, guys!"
"Ah, yeah. Thanks, mom. Huuuuh. It's just, I can't fully enjoy this new iPod knowing that I ran two steps down a hall way and then through the kitchen to open it. Hopefully next year, we'll get a real, HUMAN place to live."

I like staying in NY for Christmas. Christmas is the one day a year that I don't feel bad for not doing anything, so I want to take full advantage of that. There's a bunch of places I could go, but if I do, I gotta wear pants, I have to talk to families, I have to not swear. All of those things are fine, and I like doing them, but on Christmas? Man. Adult Christmas has become a real day. I wake up really early, start the day with tons of bacon. I wear sweatpants all day. ALL... DAMN... DAY. I'll probably watch an old wrestling pay per view. Drinking in the afternoon. I probably won't shower. There's no WAY I could do any of that at a persons house with their family.
"Nathan, what are you doing? Aren't you going to get dressed?"
"What? No. It's Christmas! Did you get dressed as a kid when it was Christmas? You're goddamn right you didn't."
"Can you watch your language. There are kids here."
"And I bet they're happy as dick that it's Christmas! I'm putting more egg nog in this rum, and I'm NOT going to eat at a dinner table. Pe, pe, peace!"
I won't be able to enjoy Christmas this way forever. I'll have a family and kid some time. Probably. Who knows. But still, doing Christmas the way I do now at forty two might be a bit weird.

I try to do Christmas the way it was as a kid as much as possible. Christmas as a kid was amazing and that's not coming back. The break from school alone was great. That last day of school before time off for Christmas. Man. Teachers handing out candy canes, movies being played. You could just leave whenever you wanted. Teachers were almost upset that you showed up.
"Ugh, you're here? Don't you have cool friends to smoke drugs in the woods with? God. Alright, I'll put on Gremlins. I would rather be home."
Christmas Eve as a kid was so much fun. It was great to not really be able to sleep because you were so excited about waking up.
"Go to sleep."
"I can't!"
"You have to."
"It's completely impossible! It's Christmas. CHRISTMAS!"
"Santa won't come if you don't go to sleep."
"Well Santa can blow me, because there's no way I'm sleeping! Doesn't he know it's Christmas?! Christmas!"

Christmas does not just have to be in the same living room you did it in when you were five. Christmas is a state of mind. It can be enjoyed anywhere, with anyone, if you really want to. You could have a good Christmas in a bus station. It would take a hell of a lot, but it could happen.

Twitter @nathanmacintosh