Hockey. Like it!

Growing up, I never liked hockey. Yep. Growing up in Canada, I never liked it. Always thought it was dumb. One reason, is probably that I was supposed to like it being from Canada. It was ALWAYS ON. People ALWAYS talked about it. Kids wanted to play it. It was all over the place. That pushed me away from it.
"Hey, we're all talking this thing and watching it on TV as much as possible. You want in?"
"Can we talk about or watch something else?"
"What did you just say? Hockey! We're talking HOCKEY! Are you dumb? H-O-C-... and the other letters!"

Also, because everyone in school who liked hockey talked about watching it with their dads. Almost one hundred percent of the time. I didn't have that growing up. Not too many people watched hockey with their moms alone.

"Me and my mom were watching hockey last night. Just the two of us. Then we did some electrical work around the house and my mom taught me how to pick up chicks. She's the best."

That conversation rarely happened. Watching with a dad? Happened every day. 

Now though, I'm a fan. I've been to a few games, I'll watch it on TV whenever I get the chance. 

I became a fan about a year and a half ago. I was walking to a show in NY just after the last NHL lockout ended. Walking past a bar, I looked in at a TV, and saw a player from the Bruins squaring off against a player from the Rangers. I'm looking at them punch each other, and I thought why the hell have I never liked this? Those men... are fighting... on skates. Skates! While on ice! Fighting on the ground is hard. Skating is hard. Fighting on skates on ice? Insane. Getting punched in the face while you stand on a slippery surface wearing knives? Unreal. Became a fan right there.

Not just because of the fighting. I'm not a fan of UFC, or watching two animals fight in the street, but fighting is such a gentleman thing in hockey. One reason, because now when players fight they are not allowed to take their helmets off. So what do players do when they're going to fight? They look at each other, and each player takes the others helmet off. That's some pure gentleman stuff right there.

I love that problems are settled right then and there. You don't like how you were hit? Or how a guy crashed into your goalie? Or some dude just keeps chirping you? Fight him. Right there. There's no waiting until after the game to complain to the press. You never see hockey players after the games talking about fights during press conferences, because that problem is SOLVED.

That's not the only reason I like hockey. I tried to get into football, but for me there's too much stoppage in play. Football, when a guy who has the ball gets tackled, most times there's a whistle. In hockey, a guy who has the puck will get rocked in the middle of the ice. He'll lose his stick, his helmet will blow off, his soul is cracked. Do they blow a whistle? Do they stop play so that this man can collect his thoughts and catch up with everyone? Nope. He has to just pick his life up while the game goes on around him. 

"Is NO ONE going to stop? Do they not see me here? One of my arms blew off! My kids are yelling from the stands that I'm a loser! You're just going to skate BY me? I see how it is, guys. Wait til you catch a puck in the face. See if I care!"

Going to NHL games live is great. I've been to a game in Jersey, New York, and Long Island. New Jersey and Long Island have some great fans. People screaming at guys for messing up simple things. First two minutes of the Islanders game, a player missed a pass, and a fan lost it.
"What the hell are you doing? Get off the goddamn ice! Undress and get the hell out of here!"
First two minutes. Just a regular season game. Guy losing his mind.
It's a small thing, but I like at NHL games too that during the game, the building doesn't play music over top of it. I've always thought that was weird about basketball games. Players have to listen to concerts during games.
"Started from the bottom now I'm here!"
"Drake, can you get off the damn court? I'm trying to shoot a three."

I got up at 630am to watch the Gold Medal game of the Olympics. Years ago I would have just made fun of it and slept in, waking up to here people talking about what happened and still not caring. I'm happy I like it now. Now I just need a dad to talk to about it! Jokes. Just jokes, guys.

To really get a hockey experience while reading this, listen to some ACDC while doing it.

Twitter @nathanmacintosh

4 reasons you want a crackhead as your mayor.

Toronto mayor Rob Ford this week admitted to smoking crack. Some mayors are terrible and have never smoked crack. Is having a crackhead as a mayor the worst thing? Don't think so. Here are some reasons having a crackhead mayor could be a good thing.

4 Reasons you want a crackhead as your mayor

1. Crack heads are industrious.
A crackhead wakes up one day, realizes they have nothing left to pawn, no money, no one left to borrow from. What's a crackhead to do? Throw them self in front of a moving car so they can sue the driver for crack money. It happens. You have to be dedicated for that kind of move. Now imagine if that crackhead was mayor and wanted better roads for their city, more buses, or cleaner streets? They'd be jumping in front of all kinds of cars to get those things. A crackhead is not going to let someone tell them there's no money for city parks if they become hell bent on money for the parks. Park money will be found no matter what.

"I want a subway line that stretches to the airport! I'm not leaving until I have it! I'll suck your dick!"

2. Crack heads work all hours of the night.
I'm sure most mayors work long, hard hours. I'm sure a lot are up until the early morning trying to get things done for their cities. But when they do go to bed, who is still up getting their work done? Crackheads. Crackheads are up all hours, scurrying around their neighbourhood looking for ways to make money and ultimately buy crack. All night. Until the job is done. If a mayor had their kind of get up and go, they wouldn't sleep until the money for public education was scrounged up. If a mayor was a crackhead and got stuck on the idea of helping out the band department, they'd be tearing copper wire out of construction sites and selling it back to them for profit. You WISH your mayor would tear copper out of a wall and sell it. Your city might have a new football stadium.

 "I was up all night, I'm tired as hell, but those kids can now go on their field trip. Now, who needs a goodnight dick sucking?"

3. If city money is missing, you know where it went.
Sometimes a mayor will take the cities money and do who knows what with it. Could be hundreds of thousands of dollars on coffee. Maybe it's prostitutes on a private jet to Fiji. Or maybe they bought themselves an autographed poster of Adam West. Who knows. But when it comes time to do something for the city, and the mayor says there is no money, people will yell, "well where the hell did the money go!?" No need for that question if your mayor is on crack. You already know the answer. Crack. Tons and tons of glorious crack. Why is this pothole still here? Oh yeah. The mayor smoked that pothole money. Why's there only one bus in the city? Ah, yes. Crack. Now you can get on with your day.

"Where'd the money go? What do you mean? Crack! I'm on crack! I'll suck your dick if you stop asking that question!"

4. Crackheads know how to deal with tough situations.
Crackheads have been through some tough times. Families have disowned them, they've lost some teeth to the crack trade, and they've woken up smelling like chemicals. So do you think they'll let something like opposition to their ideas rattle them? Absolutely not. They'll crumble under the pressure of questioning by the media? Doubt it. They've blown a dude behind a Denny's for a drug that shattered their molars. They can deal with criticism. They're not going to let unions push them around. A mayor who went to a good school could be tough, but a mayor who climbed three stories to steal an iPad to pawn? THAT'S a tough mayor.

"Oh, yeah, you're a tough man. You ever suck dick to get a guy off your drive way? Well I'm gonna do it like this! Look at my face! I'll suck your dick!"

Twitter @nathanmacintosh

Canada doesn't know much about Canada either.

Canadians get mad at Americans for not knowing anything about us. Can we blame them? We don't care about our own things. Americans don't know anything about our politics, but we know all about theirs. How rude! The least they could do is find out who our Prime Minister is. Sure. But how many Canadians know ANYTHING about our Prime Ministers policies? Do most of us even care? Could a lot of Canadians point out exactly where Medicine Hat is on a map without much thought? I doubt it. And still, we'll get upset when Americans don't know these same things. It doesn't make sense.

Canadians know more about American politics than our own. Why? Because America is a show that Canada watches daily. Everyday, America is on Canadian television. People sit around and talk about what is happening in America. Some conversation happens about what's going on in Canada, but not NEARLY as much as talk about America. Canadians talk constantly about what is happening in America, but get upset when America doesn't know anything about Canada. We don't even spend much time talking about us. Why should anyone else do it?

Most Americans don't know where The Maritimes are, or how far Toronto and Vancouver really are from each other. So what? The Maritimes are a fantastic part of the world. Vancouver is a gorgeous city. Who cares if anyone knows anything about these places!? A lot of people do, and they love it! I don't know anything about Sweden. Pretty much nothing, and that doesn't change how Sweden is. Also, there are people in CANADA who don't know anything about The Maritimes. When I lived in Toronto, people said to me countless times, 'I've been out East. I went to Montreal.' Montreal is not 'out east'. There is a lot more east of that city, but some people in Toronto thought that past Montreal there was just fog. My old manager at a job I worked at said, 'You're from Nova Scotia? Doesn't everybody fuck their cousin out there?' That's people in the country not knowing anything about parts of it. People who are an hour flight away knowing nothing about a part of their own country, and we want another country to know things about it?

If countries were people, America would be Vince McMahon. America is the greatest promoter on the planet. It gets its name to every corner of the world constantly. It tells us this person or that person is the best singer? Then that's what we believe. And Canada hinges a lot on America for that type of thing. We don't big up our own people until America says they're cool, then we'll run right behind them and say, 'Did you know he's from Duck Latte, Saskatchewan? Well he is.' If Justin Bieber had not been discovered by Americans, he wouldn't be close to as big as he is now. Not even in Canada would he be big! Same as Drake. It took American's telling us that they are great to get us to say, 'Yeah! They are! And they're also Canadian!' If Justin Bieber had stayed in Canada he'd be a super talented person who worked during the day at a Roots store. He'd be singing at the grand opening of a mall, then walking into a store to fold shirts.

One reason Americans don't take our stuff seriously? We don't. CANADIANS make fun of Canadian television. CANADIANS. We make fun of our own stuff and we expect other people to pay attention to it? A lot of Canadians don't watch Canadian television simply because it's Canadian. That's it. Not because it's not good. Some Canadian shows have been great. But a lot of Canadians won't watch it simply because it was made in our country. Sometimes, if the same show had been made in America, Canadians would have loved it.
"Ah, god. I'm not watching a show called 'Canadians doing Canadian things'. This is terrible."
"Yeah. It's a weird show. It's about Canadians, but it was made in America."
"Huh. America, eh? I'll give it a shot."
Turn on a TV in Canada. What will you see? Even on Canadian Networks? About 95% of the programming is American shows. Of course we know about America and they don't know about us! We've been stalking them for years!

It's very strange that we want America's approval so bad. Why do we feel we have to be Americas little brother? Always watching what's America is doing, personally hurt when we find out that they don't care about what we are up to. Why does it have to be that way? Canada is an amazing place. It's a beautiful country that I'm happy to be from. Why does it matter whether or not America knows or care about what happens there? WE should care more about it! We should on our own!

America is not going to care about, or know anything about Canada probably ever. One reason is that in America, America is taught to love America. Fine. Other reason? Canada doesn't really care about what it's doing. If you don't care about something you're doing, nobody will. That is how things work. If you don't care about your appearance, nobody else will. If you don't care about something you've created, nobody else will. If you don't believe in what you're saying, people don't pay attention to you. Canada has to care about Canada before Americans will.

Why do we in Canada care what America knows about us? If you knew a bunch about someone in real life, and they didn't know anything about you, would you be mad? No. You'd continue to focus on what you are doing. Who cares what they know about you? It doesn't change anything. We all know a lot about Miley Cyrus. Anyone mad that she doesn't know anything about us?
"I know who Miley Cyrus's dad is, and I've seen her fallopian tubes, and she doesn't even know that I just got a promotion at work?! What a horrible person."
America is not a terrible place for not knowing about Canada. It is what it is. Canada is a beautiful place that should be more into what it is and what it's doing.

Twitter @nathanmacintosh

The border.

I have been living in America for almost a year now. I have a work visa to be here and I travel back and forth to Canada fairly often. A necessity for getting into either country is crossing the border. You'd think it would be easy to do with a visa, right? I have the proper papers to get in and out. But even with a visa, is this easy? Not really. Without a visa, was it easier? Kind of. Now that I'm allowed back and forth, they almost seem angrier with me than when I wasn't.

"What? You're allowed in here now? No, no, no. There has to be some kind of mistake. See, in America… we're American. You are Canadian. Do you see hear where the problem lies?"

The border is a necessary evil that has to be dealt with, but must everyone be so on edge? So angry? So uptight?

Since I have been crossing the border, it has always been a nerve-racking experience. There is nothing relaxed about it.

"Passport?"

"Yes, here you g..."

"Boo!"

"Ah!"

"Haha. Just keeping you alert. Give me that passport."

I can only assume that it wasn't always like this. Maybe there was a point in time when crossing the border was fun.

"Hey! Well, how the hell are you? Want to come into our country, huh? Why'd you even stop? Get the hell in there and buy all the cigarettes you can!"

Probably not, but one can imagine.

When crossing the border, why are these people so rude? There isn't a group that you will have to deal with who is as rude as the border people.

"Sir, your ex-wife is on line two, and for some strange reason, a border guard is on line three."

"What? Dear God. Put me on with my ex-wife. At least she'll ask me how I'm doing, no matter how sarcastic."

Border guards have dead eyes and tones that suggest they would cut a small child in half without even thinking about it.

"It'd be nice if that kid would stop crying. I mean, I'm just trying to enjoy this Taco Bell in a food court."

"I'll handle it."

"Handle it? Yeah, wouldn't that be great? Just grab the kid and… WHOA! What the hell are you doing?! You just ripped that kid in half!"

"I work at the border. I haven't felt an emotion in years. Now, you were saying? About the food court?"

"Yeah... food court... I was... GOD, MAN! A kid in half!"

It seems to be the only place where you are expected to have the indifference of T-1000. What is the training like to be a border guard? What rigorous steps are taken to make sure that you feel no emotion whatsoever anymore?

"Guys, I don't know what you were told about this job, but you are going to be dealing with the public."

"That's great. I have a lot of training in customer service."

"Wow, that is great! You're fired. We are not looking for people who know how to deal with the public. We're looking for people who when they step onto a bus, no matter what time of day, they scare the other passengers."

"I don't know about PEOPLE, but I'm scared of pit bulls that come onto the bus."

"Exactly. That's why all of you will be participating in dog fighting."

"Dog fighting?"

"Yes. Dog fighting. You will be trained to become a dog, and then fight other dogs as a dog. And if you don't kill the other dog, you'll die, but not only that, you will not get this job. You want to make some money? You'll learn how to bite a throat."

Sometimes you'll go through the border, and the person you talk to is really nice. RARELY does that happen, and it's probably because that person is fired right away.

"Excuse me, Chris? Can I talk to you for a second?"

"Of course, sir!"

"Ah, God. What did we tell you? When someone is nice to you, you throw some cut eye and say something to make that person feel the way their mom used to when they came home drunk at sixteen. That's how it's done! And did I just hear you tell those people that you let through to 'Have a nice day'?"

"Yes, sir. They were very nice. They are going home and I just thought tho..."

"You're being nice to these people? What the hell is wrong with you!? Look at Steve over there. He's practically jumping out of his booth and punching people in the face! You're holding their hands! That's it. Last week you looked someone in the eye and said 'Hello' and today you wish someone a 'nice day'? You're warned, bud. One more nice thing gets said to these criminals coming through here and you'll be cleaning bathrooms at truck stops."

What do these people do when they are not at work? I'd love to follow one of them around for a day that they're off. I assume that they kick kids, burn cotton candy and pop balloons all day.

"Ah, day off. I guess I indulge in one of my many hobbies. Heading down to the playground to pour water on the sand and turn it into mud. Maybe today, a kid will start to sink in it. One can only hope. God, one can only hope!"

Or they are just ushered back to the cave where they were taken from for the job.

"All right, shift's over. Put your cloak back on, pick up your lantern, and head back down to Middle-earth."

"But, sir, I was hoping that tonight maybe I could go down to the river and grab trout out of the water for myself and my family."

"You know damn well that Friday is 'Fish for your Family' day. It's Monday, Cre-ork. Back to the cave!"

"But, sir! The underworld is a dark and cruel place and I ca..."

"What did I say?! Your ghoulish problems are your ghoulish problems! 'Fish for your Family' day is Friday!"

When driving through, people are not nice. Flying through? Much of the same. But when flying, how many times does your boarding pass have to get scanned? Are all of these necessary? The last time I went through – seven times. Seven! Where do all of these scans go?

"All right, we've got a reading here. This man just went five steps from his last location. Shall I scan him again?"

"Of course! Six steps allows them to plot terrible things. Scan it now before it's too late!"

Why would they do it this much? It's not a movie ticket stub. We know that we can't just throw it out and still get on the plane.

"Where's your boarding pass?"

"Oh, I threw it out. I was just here, though. I am just running to the bathroom on the other side of security."

"Sir, you can't get in this section without a boarding pass."

"Ah come on, man! I threw it out! I didn't want to hold a boarding pass, my passport, my bag, and this copy of last month's Esquire magazine that your beautiful bookstores refuse to throw out but will not sell for a cheaper price. I mean, I don't have three hands!"

If I've gotten to you, sixth guy who stands and scans my boarding pass, do you not think I have a boarding pass? How would I get this far without one! Just making up stories the whole way?

"Sir, where's your boarding pass?"

"Ah, God. Do I have to do this again? I just made up five different stories to five different people about why I don't have one. Do you really need me to lie to you as well?"

"Yes. I'm the sixth guy. You don't think the sixth guy deserves a story?"

"Man, a sixth story! Okay. Ummm, let's see. I put my boarding pass down on the wing of a plane that I didn't think was going to be taking off for awhile, and low and behold, it took off!"

"Hmm, that's not bad! Did you just come up with that now?"

It seems they do all of these boarding pass checks and angrily ask questions because they want you to be so afraid that you start to believe you may have done something wrong.

"Where am I going? Where was I? Who am I? Where are my papers? Man, did I do something wrong? I just watched a movie where four hundred people were shot by Sylvester Stallone. Wait, was that a movie? Maybe it was me. Oh, man! I think I shot up a village! I'm sorry! I don't even know how I got to Burma! Dear God! I may have also beat Apollo Creed for the title. Help me!"

The border really seems as though they want everyone to be horrified on the way through. The regulations, the cold language, the protocol. Everything is designed to make you afraid that you've done something wrong. If they want everyone to be scared, they should turn the border into a Screamers haunted house.

"Okay, you want to cross? Well, all you have to do is go through this haunted house and answer security questions at the same time. If you get too scared, you can say chicken at any time and we'll let you out, but if you do that, you'll be rectally searched. Cool? Ahh! Man! You should have seen the look on your face. Okay, now head toward the dark room full of chainsaw noises and be prepared to answer the question, 'Are you bringing anything with you?'."

I completely understand that there have to be security checks at the border, but has being angry and rude ever stopped anyone from doing anything bad? Is that a deterrent?

"Well, I have NEVER been talked to this way. I am beyond offended. How can they talk to me like this? I'm a human being, dammit! I am so upset, I'm not even going to put my pipe bomb in the washroom anymore. I'll come back when these people decide to be a LITTLE NICER! Yeah, I'm talking to you. Thanks for making me feel bad."

Is that something that's going to happen? No! People who wouldn't do anything wrong are probably pushed to it by the way they are talked to at the border.

"I can't believe the way I was just talked to. I feel like taking a hostage I'm so mad!"

I figured that as a Canadian, crossing the border into America may be a problem, but going home I thought it would be easy. I thought it would be simple coming back into the country, but now I get asked a question that really bugs me.

"What's the purpose of your trip to Canada?"

"The purpose of my trip? I believe what you were trying to say is, 'Welcome back'?"

What do you mean what's the purpose of my trip? I'm from here! I can get an apartment right here at the border if I want. I can walk right into that hospital and say, "Yo, I'm one of yours! Do I have cancer? Sweet, thanks for checking! Peace!"