The border.

I have been living in America for almost a year now. I have a work visa to be here and I travel back and forth to Canada fairly often. A necessity for getting into either country is crossing the border. You'd think it would be easy to do with a visa, right? I have the proper papers to get in and out. But even with a visa, is this easy? Not really. Without a visa, was it easier? Kind of. Now that I'm allowed back and forth, they almost seem angrier with me than when I wasn't.

"What? You're allowed in here now? No, no, no. There has to be some kind of mistake. See, in America… we're American. You are Canadian. Do you see hear where the problem lies?"

The border is a necessary evil that has to be dealt with, but must everyone be so on edge? So angry? So uptight?

Since I have been crossing the border, it has always been a nerve-racking experience. There is nothing relaxed about it.

"Passport?"

"Yes, here you g..."

"Boo!"

"Ah!"

"Haha. Just keeping you alert. Give me that passport."

I can only assume that it wasn't always like this. Maybe there was a point in time when crossing the border was fun.

"Hey! Well, how the hell are you? Want to come into our country, huh? Why'd you even stop? Get the hell in there and buy all the cigarettes you can!"

Probably not, but one can imagine.

When crossing the border, why are these people so rude? There isn't a group that you will have to deal with who is as rude as the border people.

"Sir, your ex-wife is on line two, and for some strange reason, a border guard is on line three."

"What? Dear God. Put me on with my ex-wife. At least she'll ask me how I'm doing, no matter how sarcastic."

Border guards have dead eyes and tones that suggest they would cut a small child in half without even thinking about it.

"It'd be nice if that kid would stop crying. I mean, I'm just trying to enjoy this Taco Bell in a food court."

"I'll handle it."

"Handle it? Yeah, wouldn't that be great? Just grab the kid and… WHOA! What the hell are you doing?! You just ripped that kid in half!"

"I work at the border. I haven't felt an emotion in years. Now, you were saying? About the food court?"

"Yeah... food court... I was... GOD, MAN! A kid in half!"

It seems to be the only place where you are expected to have the indifference of T-1000. What is the training like to be a border guard? What rigorous steps are taken to make sure that you feel no emotion whatsoever anymore?

"Guys, I don't know what you were told about this job, but you are going to be dealing with the public."

"That's great. I have a lot of training in customer service."

"Wow, that is great! You're fired. We are not looking for people who know how to deal with the public. We're looking for people who when they step onto a bus, no matter what time of day, they scare the other passengers."

"I don't know about PEOPLE, but I'm scared of pit bulls that come onto the bus."

"Exactly. That's why all of you will be participating in dog fighting."

"Dog fighting?"

"Yes. Dog fighting. You will be trained to become a dog, and then fight other dogs as a dog. And if you don't kill the other dog, you'll die, but not only that, you will not get this job. You want to make some money? You'll learn how to bite a throat."

Sometimes you'll go through the border, and the person you talk to is really nice. RARELY does that happen, and it's probably because that person is fired right away.

"Excuse me, Chris? Can I talk to you for a second?"

"Of course, sir!"

"Ah, God. What did we tell you? When someone is nice to you, you throw some cut eye and say something to make that person feel the way their mom used to when they came home drunk at sixteen. That's how it's done! And did I just hear you tell those people that you let through to 'Have a nice day'?"

"Yes, sir. They were very nice. They are going home and I just thought tho..."

"You're being nice to these people? What the hell is wrong with you!? Look at Steve over there. He's practically jumping out of his booth and punching people in the face! You're holding their hands! That's it. Last week you looked someone in the eye and said 'Hello' and today you wish someone a 'nice day'? You're warned, bud. One more nice thing gets said to these criminals coming through here and you'll be cleaning bathrooms at truck stops."

What do these people do when they are not at work? I'd love to follow one of them around for a day that they're off. I assume that they kick kids, burn cotton candy and pop balloons all day.

"Ah, day off. I guess I indulge in one of my many hobbies. Heading down to the playground to pour water on the sand and turn it into mud. Maybe today, a kid will start to sink in it. One can only hope. God, one can only hope!"

Or they are just ushered back to the cave where they were taken from for the job.

"All right, shift's over. Put your cloak back on, pick up your lantern, and head back down to Middle-earth."

"But, sir, I was hoping that tonight maybe I could go down to the river and grab trout out of the water for myself and my family."

"You know damn well that Friday is 'Fish for your Family' day. It's Monday, Cre-ork. Back to the cave!"

"But, sir! The underworld is a dark and cruel place and I ca..."

"What did I say?! Your ghoulish problems are your ghoulish problems! 'Fish for your Family' day is Friday!"

When driving through, people are not nice. Flying through? Much of the same. But when flying, how many times does your boarding pass have to get scanned? Are all of these necessary? The last time I went through – seven times. Seven! Where do all of these scans go?

"All right, we've got a reading here. This man just went five steps from his last location. Shall I scan him again?"

"Of course! Six steps allows them to plot terrible things. Scan it now before it's too late!"

Why would they do it this much? It's not a movie ticket stub. We know that we can't just throw it out and still get on the plane.

"Where's your boarding pass?"

"Oh, I threw it out. I was just here, though. I am just running to the bathroom on the other side of security."

"Sir, you can't get in this section without a boarding pass."

"Ah come on, man! I threw it out! I didn't want to hold a boarding pass, my passport, my bag, and this copy of last month's Esquire magazine that your beautiful bookstores refuse to throw out but will not sell for a cheaper price. I mean, I don't have three hands!"

If I've gotten to you, sixth guy who stands and scans my boarding pass, do you not think I have a boarding pass? How would I get this far without one! Just making up stories the whole way?

"Sir, where's your boarding pass?"

"Ah, God. Do I have to do this again? I just made up five different stories to five different people about why I don't have one. Do you really need me to lie to you as well?"

"Yes. I'm the sixth guy. You don't think the sixth guy deserves a story?"

"Man, a sixth story! Okay. Ummm, let's see. I put my boarding pass down on the wing of a plane that I didn't think was going to be taking off for awhile, and low and behold, it took off!"

"Hmm, that's not bad! Did you just come up with that now?"

It seems they do all of these boarding pass checks and angrily ask questions because they want you to be so afraid that you start to believe you may have done something wrong.

"Where am I going? Where was I? Who am I? Where are my papers? Man, did I do something wrong? I just watched a movie where four hundred people were shot by Sylvester Stallone. Wait, was that a movie? Maybe it was me. Oh, man! I think I shot up a village! I'm sorry! I don't even know how I got to Burma! Dear God! I may have also beat Apollo Creed for the title. Help me!"

The border really seems as though they want everyone to be horrified on the way through. The regulations, the cold language, the protocol. Everything is designed to make you afraid that you've done something wrong. If they want everyone to be scared, they should turn the border into a Screamers haunted house.

"Okay, you want to cross? Well, all you have to do is go through this haunted house and answer security questions at the same time. If you get too scared, you can say chicken at any time and we'll let you out, but if you do that, you'll be rectally searched. Cool? Ahh! Man! You should have seen the look on your face. Okay, now head toward the dark room full of chainsaw noises and be prepared to answer the question, 'Are you bringing anything with you?'."

I completely understand that there have to be security checks at the border, but has being angry and rude ever stopped anyone from doing anything bad? Is that a deterrent?

"Well, I have NEVER been talked to this way. I am beyond offended. How can they talk to me like this? I'm a human being, dammit! I am so upset, I'm not even going to put my pipe bomb in the washroom anymore. I'll come back when these people decide to be a LITTLE NICER! Yeah, I'm talking to you. Thanks for making me feel bad."

Is that something that's going to happen? No! People who wouldn't do anything wrong are probably pushed to it by the way they are talked to at the border.

"I can't believe the way I was just talked to. I feel like taking a hostage I'm so mad!"

I figured that as a Canadian, crossing the border into America may be a problem, but going home I thought it would be easy. I thought it would be simple coming back into the country, but now I get asked a question that really bugs me.

"What's the purpose of your trip to Canada?"

"The purpose of my trip? I believe what you were trying to say is, 'Welcome back'?"

What do you mean what's the purpose of my trip? I'm from here! I can get an apartment right here at the border if I want. I can walk right into that hospital and say, "Yo, I'm one of yours! Do I have cancer? Sweet, thanks for checking! Peace!"

Swearing in Movies

Swearing in movies has all but dried up. I watched RoboCop the other day, and one thing that I noticed is that it had a ton of swearing in it. Makes sense, right? If you are selling cocaine in 1988, and a RoboCop busts in your door and shoots all of your henchman, some profanity will probably leave your mouth.

"Whoa! A cocksucking RoboCop is shooting everyone I know! What fucking year is this? I'm blown away!"

The other night I saw The Expendables 2, and although I thought it was really fun (other than the Maggie character who was completely useless), I was upset that there was no swearing. A man gets a knife spun-kicked into his heart. Does he swear? Nope. Doesn't even form the words with his mouth.

"Ah, boy. A knife spin-kick. Wow. That was a doozy. Well, I'm sure I only have ten minutes of life left. Cripes, that hurt! No, there are no words I'm holding back. I know that if I stubbed my toe at home I might swear, but a knife jump kicked into my heart by Jean-Claude Van Damme? I think I can leave the language out of this."

I know that everyone is trying to make their movies reach a wider audience so they can make more money, but in some cases it doesn't make sense. Certain movies need swearing.

Why does it need to get taken away completely? Why can't there still be grown ups out there who are allowed to watch grown up things? Why are action movies and horror movies becoming children’s movies, and yet porn, which is almost the easiest accessible thing by anyone in the world, is getting more and more violent as the years go on?

"You HAVE to take all of the 'fucks' out of this movie. I know it's about a wizard who throws grenades at babies, but seriously, ALL of these parents are going to swear when it happens?"

"Man, you guys are tough. Next you'll be telling me that I can't hit a woman with a dick-shaped car in 'Whore Gets Hit By Dick-Shaped Car 2: Test Drive'."

"No, no. Quite the opposite. We, at the studio, were wondering if you could make it a dick-shaped semi-truck? Test audiences agree that the bigger the vehicle that hits the woman, the bigger the erection."

Movies used to just be rated R. Straight R. R meant restricted. I remember being turned away from countless movies for that reason.

"Sorry, kid. You're not old enough to see this movie."

"Man, that sucks. Um, do you have a cigarette?"

"...Fifty cents and it's yours."

A friend and I wanted to see Payback when we were fourteen. You know the movie. Mel Gibson is screwed over by a friend for seventy thousand dollars? That movie is great. They wouldn't let us in, so what did we do? We bought tickets to see Waking Ned Divine and then walked into Payback. We also sat on top of the unfolded chairs when the ushers walked by so that we looked taller. Honestly, I don't know why there wasn't any issue when two fourteen-year-old boys asked to see Waking Ned Divine.

"Two for Waking Ned Divine, please."

"You look a little young to be wanting to see that movie. Are you sure you're not going to buy a ticket for it, then sneak into an R rated movie?"

"What?! Why can't I be interested in a movie about an old man who wins the lottery, dies of shock, and then the people in his town try to collect the money? Because I'm fourteen!? Are you serious? I'm very mature for my ag... ah! A boob!"

We wanted to see Payback more because we couldn't – because it was for adults. Now, all of these movies are for kids that age. Doesn't really matter what it is, there will be kids in your theatre.

"Are these kids in the right theatre? I mean, the 'Swear Truck' series usually has swearing in it. Especially 'Swear Truck 3: Tires, Trunks and Tits."

"Nope. Not this one. 'Swear Truck 4' doesn't have any swearing. They took it out to get that sweet kid money. Look! They even put a slide in the theatre. Remember how fun those were?"

"I'm reminded of a line from 'Swear Truck 2: It Ain't Over 'Til The Fat Lady Trucks' –

"Get these goddamn kids, off of my goddamn swear truck."

Most horror movies and action movies need swearing. NEED them. Doesn't make any sense for an axe-wielding maniac to be chasing a guy through the woods and have him not swear about it. Doesn't seem right that a young man who just joined the army, finds out his entire family was blown away by a notorious crime boss, doesn't throw in a couple of 'f's' when he's on a rampage.

"I use to swear at kids on Xbox LIVE, and then my parents were murdered. Well, it's time to clean up the language and clean up these streets."

I'm not saying every movie needs swearing. Toy Story doesn't gain anything by having swearing in it.

"Hey, Woody – Andy is going to college and is going to leave us forever!"

"Yeah, Buzz? Where the fuck were you an hour ago when the dog grabbed me and dragged me outside to bury me in the yard? Was Andy leaving a big deal when I was up to my goddamn eyes in mud! Shove it, Lightyear! SHOVE IT!"

But there are certain movies where it seems dumb to me not to have swearing. Ever watch a movie like Casino or Goodfellas on TV? How awful is it when they change the swearing?

"I just told Andy Stone that maybe you should disappear for awhile until the heat blows over. That's all."

"Listen here, you dumb mochafudger, you! You only exist out here because of me! Not your frog splash country clubs or your funnel cake TV shows! And what the film sundae are you doing on TV anyhow! You know I get calls from back home, they think you went bat style?!"

Just don't play the movie if you can't give it the justice it deserves! You can't play Titanic and Photoshop out the boat.

"Man, this movie Titanic about an invisible ship that hits an iceberg is a real tearjerker. I would also love to make love in a car that appears to be floating in the middle of the Atlantic. This movie rocks."

Who are they playing these cut-up movies for? Children? Were people upset that their kid couldn't watch Terminator 2?

"Come on! I wanted to take my three-year-old to this and you fill it with swearing? Isn't there a way we can have our cake and eat it too? Just make the movie without swearing so that children can see it, and adults can be made to feel stupid while watching it. Everyone wins!"

If you have kids, I get it. You want them to see things or take them to things that don't make you look like a horrible monster. But why should people who don't have kids be punished because there are kids in the world? Why! That doesn't seem right.

"Excuse me, everyone. I am a parent, albeit not a very good one, so instead of trying to watch what my child views, I would like to ask that all swearing be removed from movies that you enjoy. It takes a village, guys."

"Well, move to a damn village then! This is a city with adults! Sit down and shut up!"

Movies in the 70s, 80s, and even 90s had swearing in them. In a lot of cases it made the movies seem more real. It showed how many people would react in these situations. How did we go backwards? How was it that in the 70s people swore when getting stabbed in the chest, but forty years later we deemed that inappropriate?

"Ah, fuck! I was shot! Help!"

"Help you find some more words for your vocabulary? No problem. What about 'geez', 'gosh', even a 'gosh darn'. That should help you out."

"What? No. I'm bleeding!"

"My ears were bleeding listening to that vile speak of yours. We are both in pain. I won't die of course, and for you, that's yet to be determined."

Why does everything have to be PG? Can't some things still be adult? Maybe once a year there are movies that are made for actual adults. No more than that. Movies about possession, for God's sake, don't have swearing. Does that make any sense to anyone? A movie where a demon takes over somebody's child and that movie no longer has swearing in it?

"Honey! Our daughter is possessed by a demon! What should we fucking do?!"

"Watch our language for one. What is wrong with you? Just because she's possessed doesn't give you license to break the promise we made at the marriage retreat. No swearing in the house. Remember that? We made a pact!"

"...What?! Out daughter, dammit! Out daughter is..."

"Again with the swearing! Mercy sakes alive! I just don't believe it. I can deal with our daughter's head spinning, and her walking on the ceiling creepily in the middle of the night, but the language coming out of your mouth is driving me to drink."

"I'm the demon in your daughter. You'll never see this slu..."

"Don't you even finish that word, demon! Or I'll be washing your mouth out with soap."

"...Demon sorry."

If you don't like it, don't watch the movie! That's how things work. I can't watch gay BDSM porn and complain that it's too crass.

"Does that guy HAVE to put a lamp in that guy's ass? It's just ridiculous. Why can't they tone it down just a little so that a casual fan, such as myself, can watch in peace without worrying that a child may walk in and be exposed to something harsh? I mean, do they even CARE about children?"

Certain words are gone forever. No one will call a guy a faggot in a movie again. Never. Never again. No matter how many predators Jesse Ventura fights, will he be able to use it.

"You bunch of slack-jawed faggots!"

That is a fantastic line from the first Predator. It's coming from a roided-up Vietnam vet who, not knowing it yet, is about to fight a beast from space that rips your spine completely out of your body. No one will call someone a fairy again. Nobody gets called a cocksucker, motherfucker, none of it. When bullets are flying past your head, what would you say?

"Fudge! These woodland creatures with magic dust are shooting at me! Momma-intercourser!"

Nope. You'd say some of the words that are becoming extinct in such films.

I read an article that was referring to comedians cleaning up their sets.

"Nobody ever leaves a show and complains that there wasn't swearing in it."

Well, actually, I do. If something feels fake, ingenuine or faulty, I complain about it. When Stallone rips a guy's throat out and doesn't utter a curse, I find that to be all of the above.

Twitter @Nathanmacintosh

Gentrification. I don't know.

Gentrification. I had never really heard the word before I moved to NY. Well, I might have, but it wasn't said enough for me to really hang onto it. In NY, though, I've heard it a million times.

"I'll have a burger with cheese, lettuce, tomatoes and gentrification."

"Sir, you can't get a burger with gentrification."

"You can't get a white person to make it?"

"Oh. Yes, I can do that."

"That's what I said! Gentrification!"

It sort of sounded like 'gentrified' meant that an area that was once radioactive wasn't any longer.

"You can't go into Chernobyl. It hasn't been gentrified yet!"

"Well, gentrify it! We have to put a vegan dog food store there!"

"Vegan dog food? That's great! My dog gets an upset stomach when he eats meat."

"Then gentrify it, goddamn it! Gentrify!"

Anytime someone said it, they talked about it as if it were the greatest thing ever. So I really started to pay attention, and started to become angry about it.

From what I can gather from the conversations I've heard, gentrification is just the act of rich white people moving into an area that they were scared to go into before. Am I wrong about that? If so, tell me – but this is what I've been able to take from certain conversations.

"Yeah, it's not bad over there now. It's gentrified."

"Oh. What does that mean?"

"It means that people who look like me live there now. You know, the non-bad people."

"What? I don't know. That sounds horrible."

"Why? Are you scared of white people? Man, they're not the ones to be scared of! Unless you don't know any Beatles trivia. They get pretty upset about that. Quick! Is Paul actually dead? ...Took too long to answer! They're gonna hate you."

The definition of gentrification is when wealthier people move into or rent property in low-income places, which generally displaces the poorer, pre-gentrification residents who can't afford the higher rents and are forced to move. Now, when you read that, does that sound good to anyone? Why move into a neighborhood full of poor people and push them out? Why would you love their neighborhoods so much but dislike the people who live there?

"Man, this neighborhood is great. The feel, the vibe, the music and art that comes from it. The landscape. The history. The only problem is the dirty poor people who created all of those things."

"I know. It's a damn shame. I love sitting here, looking at these nice paintings and listening to this music, but these damn poor people are EVERYwhere."

"I know. Let's buy these buildings we like so much, and raise the rent to something only people we like to look at and talk to can afford!"

"That... is... brilliant. Let's do that right after this jazz band finishes. MAN, these poor people are talented!"

"Yeah, but not at fitting into the tiny world we have!"

"Yeah!"

<High Five>

So let me try to understand – a neighborhood can only be deemed good when rich white people live there? Really? Is the Caribbean no good? Giant parts of Africa, Asia and South America?

"Honey, I'd love to go on this trip to Ecuador, but it hasn't been gentrified yet. I mean… <whispering> those uncivilized people live there!"

"But honey, once we get there, we WILL be gentrifying it. We can show those people how to live!"

"I never thought of that. You're right! Do you think they have an Edwin Watts Golf shop down there?"

"They will soon!"

I'm sure it's only a matter of time before rich white people gentrify all of these places. Why stop at neighborhoods? We'll take trips to poor parts of the world and only stay on resorts. Why not move into the rest of it?

"You can go to Kingston, Jamaica now, white people. It's been gentrified! We shipped several Ivy League families down there and they've really been making use of the land. There is now a yoga studio in Bob Marley's old house. Also, now there is a reggae studio and beanery! Learn how to make the music you love by people who scare you while enjoying your favorite latte!"

It's been done before. By definition, technically, the British gentrified North America. Right? The natives were living off the land and the British came in and raised the rent to something they couldn't afford. Their lives. You can pay once, but that's it. Moved in where complete 'savages' were – people who 'didn't know how to use the land' – and made it habitable for future generations.

"Oh, yeah, it's really nice over there. Well, NOW it is. At first, there were these crazy people living there off the land. Really nice, cordial and welcoming, but man, they had to go! It's a good thing they were into blankets. Killed them all off!"

Is that not to some degree a form of racism and classism? A place is deemed worthy to live in because one group decided it was okay once THEY got there? That seems completely awful, but these people will talk about it as if it's the greatest thing to ever happen.

"No, no. It's a great place now because people who look, act, think and dress like me live there! Yeah, beforehand, when it was just poor people who didn't look like me, there was no WAY I was going to go there. But now I can walk down the street and say, "Hey, do you guys remember Nintendo?" and have people who look LIKE ME come out and say, 'Yes! Of course we do!' Ah, man. It's great. I will say, though, that these poor people who don't look like me really made the neighborhood look interesting. The destroyed buildings, the dirty streets. They really did a lot with a little. Anyway, they're gone now. Want to go pretend to understand how they live by 'slumming it' in a expensive bar that was built in an old meth lab?"

Rich white people are fascinated by these neighborhoods, but won't go to them until other rich white people build over the poor people who live there.

"Oh, yes, there is poverty here, but we really like the view! So we build condos directly on top of these poor skeazebags. I mean, if they had any money, they'd have enough sense to move out of the way, am I right? Anyways, the foundation of a lot of these buildings is pretty weak since they literally sit on under-privileged kids and families. I keep telling the contractors, 'Don't build directly ON them, their bones are disgustingly weak from all the years of terrible, cheap food. But do they listen to me? Of course not. Don't lean on that wall. It's made entirely out of poor seven year olds. Nice, though, huh?"

Gentrification is a pretty slick word as well. A lot of times it's not just poor neighborhoods that are gentrified, it's predominately black neighborhoods. Rich white people are horrified to live around poor black people.  Remember the look of horror on the lawyers face right before the T-rex ate him in Jurassic Park? Same thing.
"Oh no! Poor AND black! I heard one of them ate a guys face! Ahhhhh!"
So, they will buy their neighborhoods for cheap and push them out. You can't do that and call it what it actually is.

"I have an idea for this process. 'We don't like poor black people on many levels. One, we don't know how to live with them. Two, we are completely horrified of them in every way. Three, they do not look like us'."

"I agree with you one hundred percent, but we can't put that on a sign. That is just too long to say."

"Okay, okay. How about, 'Get Out Poor Darkies'?

"Listen, you know I love it, but I don't think the public will respond to it so well."

"All right, well I'll come up with a word. You sure you don't want to use poor darkie? What about 'Not-Enough-Money-Colored-People'?

"Haha, man, you're killing me, but no. Ah, Jesus. 'Not-Enough-Money-Colored-People'. Hilarious. Want to get a Jamba Juice?"

One thing that's gross to me about it – is that rich white people have enough. You've got it! You need these neighborhoods? It'd be the same as if the first class citizens on the Titanic just decided to go down to the third class.

"Oh, my. Look at it down here! It's rather intriguing. My boy, give me four hundred dollars to stay or get out."

"Get out!? Where would I go? I'm not allowed up any stair case!"

"Well, you are allowed out that window. Don't touch it with your dirty destitute hands when you dive through it, though. I want to put my hat near it."

Most of the neighborhoods that become gentrified are completely torn apart! A lot of poor people don't even want to live there, but rich white people will come in and say how great it is.

"Look. It feels homey, right?"

"I don't know. It looks like old news footage of war torn Kosovo. That building has three walls, and that appears to be a stack of old abandoned cars."

"I know! Homey, right? And that's not just any stack of old abandoned cars. That's my new gluten-free shop!"

"Gluten-free what?"

"Gluten-free everything! Gluten-free-gluten even!"

I love as well, that when a neighborhood becomes gentrified, rich white kids will live there and try to act as if they are poor.

"I've had three floors in a house, a giant backyard, everything I ever wanted, a mom and dad my whole life. I hate it! I wonder what it's like to live in a place that even roaches throw up in? I'll try it, and if someone starts talking about being poor, I'll be able to relate by telling him or her that once, for Christmas, all I got was a Kia Sportage. What an awful Christmas."

What is a rich white person’s fascination with being poor? Why the hell must you mock people who have to live through it by dipping your toe in and saying you that you know something about it? Rich white people want to try and pretend that they also have it rough. They'll gentrify a neighborhood, only hang out with other rich white people in this neighborhood, and tell stories about how tough the area used to be.

"Guys, you have NO idea how bad this place used to be before we got here. I mean, for instance, these bicycles that are hanging from the walls of this bar? They were left on the streets by poor ethnic people! Yeah, I know. Sometimes, if you listen closely, you can hear them peddling, having a good time, having fun despite their surroundings, which for some reason when you have money is impossible to do. Oh, and this bar? It used to be a building where poor ethnic people LIVED! Yeah, right here! Where you are sitting, six years ago, could have been a spot where a poor person stood. Isn't that gross? I know. Let's order the cheapest beers and act as if we have it as hard as he did."

If you, as a rich white kid, want to live in one of these places because it's cheap, don't act as if you have it hard. If other people like you are going to buy this property, and raise the rent to something that poor people can't afford so they leave, don't then try to act like those poor people! Poor is not just a financial situation. It's a state of mind. Don't try to dress, talk and have the same demeanor. Don't have it all and act as if you don't. Don't be ninety-eight pounds ironically around people who are that weight because they have no choice, and walk through their neighborhood pretending to have culture.

"Hey, man! You're starving, too? Right on."

"Yeah, I don't have any money."

"Oh. Not me, man. My family has lots of it. I'm just trying to fit in with you. So seriously, when are you calling your parents to get a few bucks?"

"...My parents don't have any money."

"Ah... well, yeah, me too!"

Twitter- @nathanmacintosh

Why do opinions/thoughts/words hurt so much?

Right now on this planet, everyones opinions are easily heard, and we seem to be the most sensitive we've ever been about bad opinions. We have the most technology we've ever had to hear everyone's opinions, and when someone says something we don't like, which is bound to happen, we jump on it. Most of the opinions we don't like come from people who would clearly have them, but we get upset regardless. With all of this technology, why do we think that every opinion we hear would work with us? Do we actually expect all opinions to be good? Nice? Or to follow what our beliefs are?

"Now that I am able to hear easily what everyone is thinking, I'm sure it will be a peaceful experience that follows my belief system. Whoa! What the hell is this? This guy doesn't like pro-wrestling? Is he a complete piece of trash!? I cannot believe how angry I am!"

Opinions have a ridiculous effect on people. Huge. Critics who said they didn't like The Dark Knight Rises had death threats sent their way. Death threats! For saying that a movie wasn't very good – death threats! I didn't like it. Send me a death threat. Bane's story was completely stolen from him, Catwoman didn't have a story, and Robin's first name is not Robin! It's an alias. Bruce Wayne's full name is not 'Batman Bruce Wayne'.

"Oh, hey Bruce. You should go by your first name, Batman."

"You're right. I should. Could you shut up about that for right now, though? Just give me my prescription and I'll leave."

These critics, whose job it is to critique, can't have an opinion on a movie they are supposed to critique? What is wrong with the planet? 

Every opinion has to align with how you feel?

"But... but... I LOVED this movie. How can this be? Someone who doesn't live inside my body, has lived a different life and has different feelings towards things, how can they not feel the same way I do about such a film? I... I just don't... get it. He should die!"

One topic that has come up a lot in the last few years is women being funny. First of all, just to say, I find PEOPLE funny. I find some PEOPLE not funny. Men and women. My thought is, why can't someone think that women aren't funny? Adam Carolla said that women aren't funny and people lost their minds.

"Women are funny! There are lists right here! Look! This is a list of funny females! Are you stupid? Can you not read? LOOK AT THE LIST!"

So this man doesn't find women funny. Why do people care what he thinks? Why! And why is he not allowed to have an opinion? Does everyone have to find women funny? Magically, some men just don't like women. Probably men who would partake in something called "The Man Show", where the end credits ran while women in bikinis jumped on a trampoline, and there were segments where a man wore a suit that shot beer out of a penis onto women. Everyone on that kind of show thinks women are equal and therefore could be funny? Really? Do you think every man in the KKK finds Eddie Griffin hilarious?

"I don't care what nobody says, Eddie Griffin is just not funny. I've given him a chance, the old cyclops chance, but I just don't like him. Why? No, it is not because I don't believe black people are equal to me. It's because I just don't think he has actual jokes, and he relies too much on act outs... Naw, I'm kidding! It's cause he's black!"

I wasn't an Adam Carolla fan before he said this, and I'm not after, but I think he's allowed to have an opinion.

Daniel Tosh came under fire for joking about rape. A woman yelled to joke about rape, another woman said, "No, rape is never funny." Tosh said, "Wouldn't it be funny if five guys came in right now and raped her?" Now, when you read that, it is crazy harsh. It's weird to type. In the moment in the comedy club, it is different. Obviously for the woman who was offended, it was not and she left the room, which she is entitled to do. I believe, though, that a high percentage of comedians would have said something completely similar. It's not a joke about rape, it is an offhand comment made about a huge issue to try to get laughs and straighten out what has just been said. Funny? That is an individual thing. Should he be allowed to joke about it? Yes. Should the whole world blow up at a man because, in his opinion, making that joke is all right? I think it's a bit much. People lost it.

"He should lose his show! He should be broke! He shouldn't have fans!"

People were angrier with him joking about rape than they get about actual rapists. That seems to be a bit of a problem. An actual rapist who rapes could get six years. Joke about rape, lose your show. Rape someone and potentially destroy his or her entire life, get six years in jail where you can go to school for free and then be let back into society. JOKE about rape and you might lose your show, fan base, and the world hates you. Does this make sense to anyone?

There are cases of rape all the time. It is disgusting. Why, though, if we are going to completely tear a man apart for joking about it, are we not continuously screaming about the actual offenders? It should be a trending topic everyday.

"Yep, rape is still trending. We should really figure this out. I mean, why are all of these happening? Wait! What is this? A comedian who tells jokes at a comedy club, which is a club designed for jokes and comedy about any topic on the planet, jokes about rape at a comedy club that is designed for jokes by people performing the comedic arts in the exact place they are supposed to be jokes about rape?! I couldn't be any angrier with this! This man has just raped my brain with his complete lack of decency! How could he?!"

The man in North Carolina who said that gay men should be put inside a fence until they die. He uttered this completely ridiculous opinion to the world. Was that a shock to anyone? A religious nut from the south doesn't like gay people?

"Wait just a minute! I know he doesn't think women are equals, or that sex before marriage means you're going to hell, or that masturbating is a sin and you'll burn in hell for all eternity for saying the Lord's name in vein. All of that I'm fine with. But this completely level-headed man thinks gay people should live in a cage!? Well, this is just shocking! I am taken aback, flabbergasted, and any of the other verbs to describe this feeling of breathlessness. Yes! I'm also breathless!"

It's the job of a lunatic southern preacher to hate. It's on the application!

"Do I swear that I will be intolerant, ignorant, and offensive with my thoughts to people outside of my church? I'm checking yes twice!"

Being mad at a ludicrous southern preacher for being ignorant is the same as being mad at Ray Allen for shooting threes.

"What the hell is he doing? Hitting threes like that?! Come on! No! Kick the ball, Ray! KICK IT!"

People have also lost their minds over the opinions of the President of Chik-fil-A. Does it matter what the president of a fast food company says? Seriously. A fast food company! He's not in power. He doesn't sit in UN meetings making decisions. He sells gross chicken to sad people. Does a man who has had to fire someone because they didn't wear a hairnet really have enough power to stir world issues?

"Sir, you put chicken on a bun and sell it to people in sweatpants. What are your thoughts on Syria?"

"Syria? Well, I think it's a horrible disease."

"Whoa! This Chik-fil-A chicken-biscuit-selling-man doesn't know that Syria is a place! How do you even work the fryers here, stupid? What is your problem? And why do I ask you such questions anyway?"

We're taking what he says seriously?

"I think we are inviting God's judgment on our nation when we shake our fist at Him and say 'We know better than you as to what constitutes a marriage and I pray God's mercy on our generation that has such a prideful, arrogant attitude to think that we have the audacity to redefine what marriage is about'."

This is one of the things he said. First of all, once you bring God into an argument, everything you say after that should be considered null and void. Personally, I love listening to someone's views when they start it with: 'This is how God feels'. What's funny is, if he had used any other fictional character, let's say a dragon, people would just think he's crazy.

"I think we are inviting The Dragon's judgment on our nation when we shake our fist at said Dragon and say, 'We know better than you, Dragon, as to what constitutes marriage, and I pray the Dragon's mercy on our generation that has such a prideful, arrogant, and non-dragoness attitude to think that we have the audacity to redefine the thoughts of marriage the Dragon has given us'."

The president of the company also donates lots of money to anti-gay groups. Groups that try to perpetuate lies that being gay makes people pedophiles and things like that. This is awful, but again, this could only work with far-gone religious people. You couldn't put up a sign in Times Square and have regular people who want good for the world believe it.

"That was a great trip into the M&M store! I can't believe they have the yellow one in a disco suit. Oh, man. That is great. Time to hit th.... whoa! What is this! A flyer. Hmm, pretty official already. And it says that gay people are learning how to grow wings out of their backs and steal kids! My dear sweet ice tea! Until this 'government issue yellow piece of loose leaf taped to a light post with words written on it in marker' flyer, I had no idea the gays were up to this. Now? My eyes are open! Thanks for handwriting this message of truth, hero!"

Also, and this is just a random thought, but do gay people even want to eat at Chik-fil-A? I mean as a whole? It seems like the perfect place for overweight religious nuts. They don't seem to be going to the opera. Is that a place that the gay community would like to call its own?

"Okay, we have theatres, stage shows, night life, fun times, reading, good music and dressing well in our repertoire, but I feel we are missing something."

"What about greasy chicken in a bun, really gross fries to go with it, and also an atmosphere that you would never want to hang out in for more than five minutes due to the fact that it could bring you down for three straight months?"

"Are you talking Chik-fil-A!? I was going to bring that up myself! Then it's settled. Chik-fil-A is in. Tonight on my way to the opera, I'm getting a chicken sandwich. I'll feel terrible in my seat for three hours while watching art. Bravo, meeting!"

Am I wrong to say that gay people and religious nuts seem to need each other like Batman needs Joker? The two seem to work off of each other. Religious nuts need the gay population to be able to push the views of a ridiculous/scary book. Gay people seem propelled by religious nuts telling them they are wrong to become stronger. Without each other, both parties seem to have nothing to fight for.

"Today, we're gay and we want respect-ay!"

"...You have it. Religious nuts decided that their God was wrong and that people should be able to do whatever it is that they want."

"...Oh. Um, okay. Well, can we still defiantly march down this street naked blaring music? I mean, we're already here."

"Of course! Go for it! Turn it up as loud as you want and get as naked as you can!"

"...Hmph. Guys, I don't know about you, but I just don't feel like fighting now that we don't have to."

"Yeah, me neither. So... do we just return the floats?"

"I'm just going home. I... I'm just speechless."

Any group that is going to fight needs someone to fight against. The gay pride parades are amazing things to see. People strongly showcasing themselves to the world with fervor. Why is that? Because there are people on this planet who don't think they should be allowed. So what do they do? Stick it to them! And it's great! Ever see a Shriners parade? Is it an over-the-top thrill ride? No. It's awful. Why? Because nobody hates the Shriners, so they are not putting on a parade in spite of anyone.

"I just don't agree with their lifestyle. Strange purple hats with tassels. Old as hell. Driving carts. I mean, they just rub me the wrong way! Do they have to do their Shrinery garbage in public? Down with creepy old men in polyester asking for change! DOWN WITH THEM!"

There was a point in time where you could have an opinion and it didn't matter if it went with everyone else's. In the old days, if you had an opinion that the general population didn't agree with, you wandered the earth alone until you died, or lived in the woods next to a riverbank. You weren't put on the front page of a newspaper.

"Extra, extra, read all about it. Man says he believes all children aged six and up should be forced to get full time jobs!"

"Well, I never! That is disgusting! Instead of ignoring this lunacy, I will spend hours reading about it, working myself into a frenzy with friends, and basically putting my life on a standstill."

Words can hurt, but with words so accessible, we should try not to let them hurt as much as they do.

Twitter @nathanmacintosh

Don't marry the first person you sleep with.

It's 2012, but there are people out there who still think it's 1940. What do I mean? That there are still people out there who get married right out of high school, or to the person they were dating in junior high. Wow. Are you guys waiting for the Titanic? Is polio still a constant fear in your home? Do you call movies 'talkies'? Then why would you get married at the same age that people who dealt with these things would? Want to start using typewriters again? Have a black and white TV with one channel? Have to hide under your desk during bomb drills? Then don't get married to the first person you date!

Marrying the first person you are with – having no reference points at all – should not be allowed to happen. We don't let brand new drivers take control of a car until they have driven with someone else for a while. We don't let anyone who has a license for a gun just go out and buy a sniper rifle right away. We'd spend more time talking to someone about the difference between phones than we would talking to them about their marrying choices.

"Hey, man, are you sure you want to marry Lisa? I mean… you've never been with anyone else."

"Yeah, I'm sure."

"...Okay."

"Hey, can you tell me some differences between the iPhone and the Android?"

"Can I?! Oh, man. I hang out in stores I don't even work in, wearing a polo in the hopes that someone will ask me a question like this. Now where do I begin? First off, don't just settle for the first phone you get. New phones come out every few months and just because you love yours, that doesn't mean that there isn't a better one out there. This could also be said for other areas of your life. Not your wife, though. You said you're sure."

Most of the world won't let gay people get married, which is completely ridiculous, but will let people with no experience at all do it? How does that make any sense? If marriage has such sanctity around it, why let people who have no prior experience in that door? You can't even get a job without experience, but you can get married?

"Do you have any prior restaurant experience?"

"Nope, none. I've been really nice to people, though, for pretty much my whole life."

"Okay... I don't know if that qualifies you. I don't believe you'll be a good fit here at Boston Pizza."

"Oh, okay. I really just wanted a job to pay for my wedding to my first girlfriend coming up."

"Oh, wow! Marrying the first one, huh? Congrats! That is really good news. I mean… you still can't work here, but you and your new wife can come in and eat whenever you like. Here are some coupons."

When I was fourteen, I thought I was going to marry my first girlfriend. Why? I was a tiny boy! I had nothing to compare it to. A girl liked me, I liked her, and I thought we were in love and could not think of a life past that point without her. Also, she was the first person to touch me. It just made sense to me that she was the person I was destined to be with.

"None of these other fourteen year old girls are touching it. She has to be the one for me! That's how this works, right? Someone play 'Country Grammar' again. I've found my wife!"

Then conversely, when we broke up, I thought I'd never find another human again! Why? I was a tiny boy! I had nothing to compare it to, which led me to think it was all over for me.

"Well, I found the one at fourteen and she left me at fourteen. I peaked early, but at least I know she's out there. Now, to bag groceries in a grocery store and head back to my bachelor apartment alone for the rest of my life. 'Fourteen was the peak year,' I'll tell my cat."

If you're going to marry the first person you're with, why not keep the first job you ever have? Why not? I'm sure you can fall in love with that job if you have had no other jobs.

"Well, things are working out pretty well for me. I've had the same girlfriend since I got my paper route, and I've had that same paper route since before I met her. I thought I would hate this paper route at thirty-five, but man, it just gets easier! As a kid, it was hard to carry all of these papers on my shoulder. Now I have a car and I just drive them everywhere! Also, since I've been doing it so long, most of my customers pay me on time because, as they put it, they 'feel sorry for me'. Don't feel sorry for me. Feel sorry for those suckers who didn't keep their first job. Soon I'll be head paper man!"

A lot of people don't even stay with the same school they started in. They move, transfer, decide that school isn't for them or travel abroad.

"You know, I just don't like living in Tapeka, Kansas anymore. I want to study for a year in Italy. That's what I'll do! I'll go to a different school in a different part of the world. I will tell my boyfriend that I've been with for five years that I will wait for him on this journey of mine. I wouldn't want to have the FULL school and life experience while I'm over there. No, no. I'd much rather be in a foreign place with adventures to be had, and leave them to talk to my boyfriend on Skype. I'll probably spend so much time talking to him that I won't learn Italian, and that's the way I want it."

Some people get married young or date the first person forever (who they met when they were seventeen) because they believe that person to be their soul mate.

"I had to get married at twenty. I had to do it because I met my soul mate when I was seventeen. And I can't just let my soul mate get away. I had to fold up my little soul mate wings and put them in my soul mate pocket. It's my soul mate!"

If you really believe there's only one person on this planet for you, I'm happy for you. But do you really think you're lucky enough that that person sits beside you in geography class? You think you're that lucky? Other people have to search the globe, and you just walk into a homeroom?

"Look at this! This is working out. I got a teacher, best friend, and a soul mate. It's all right here in this class. And this town has a Wal-Mart. I never have to leave!"

It seems really cute, right? It seems really cute to be with the same person you've been with since 'Pony' came out... to women, not all but some. I don't think I have met a man who thinks it's cute.

"Ah, look at that. That's the only woman who has ever touched him. That seems healthy."

"Yeah, man. I know what you mean. Just adorable. It's like watching 'All Dogs Go To Heaven' live. Wow. Moving."

"Moving... great choice of words. I'm gonna call up my first girlfriend and try to rekindle. Who am I kidding? She's clearly the best. I mean… we used to play pog together."

"You let a girl go who played pog? What were you thinking?"

"I was thinking about unhappiness for the rest of life, obviously. Don't rub it in, man."

Some people marry the first person due to religious beliefs. Really religious people think it's a good idea to only have sex with one person.

"Save yourself until marriage. That's what you should do. Save yourself!"

If you save yourself until marriage, that consummation will be awful. You are supposed to get the first one out of the way when you are in school.

"Okay, we have to be quick. The school bus is coming and I still have to pack my lunch. Are you ready?"

"...I'm already finished."

"...Oh, so THAT'S what it is? Do we smoke a cigarette now?"

Do people who decide to play basketball just start in the NBA? No. There are years of training before you see someone who makes it look easy. These two people haven't even practiced once and are going to go full tilt on a wedding night? Two people who have no idea what they are doing, charged up on 'saving themselves' energy that has been building for twenty something years, are going to figure this out on the biggest day of their lives?

"Does everyone have the directions to the chapel?"

"Yes."

"The cake, catering and band are all ready for the reception?"

"Yes, yes. Everything is good."

"That's great. Um... are WE ready to engage in intercourse when this whole thing is done?"

"Damn right! I have pamphlets and my favorite stuffed animal 'King Fluffy'. It can't be any harder than waiting hours for Harry Potter tickets. We'll figure it out."

For people who have only had one partner for their entire life, it seems completely great and normal.

"You've had MORE than one partner? Are you insane? Why have more than one in your life? Penguins only have one. My great, great grandparents only had one. God only had one! You think you're better than penguins, my great, great grandparents and God!"

Of course it seems great to these people because a mind will adjust. That is what the mind does. It adapts to situations. Ever hear those stories of people who have been kidnapped by family members and locked in a crawl space for fifteen years? And then they get out? Their mind helped them deal with that! In some magic way, they were able to realize that that was what their life was for the time being.

"How did I live inside a furnace for all these years? It wasn't really that hard. The first year was rough, then I just got used to it. I realized that I was able to sleep all summer because who uses heat in the summer? But the winter? Whoa. Pretty hot in there. And once you polish off the first years worth of fish heads – they don't get any better, but it's all you have."

I will never let my kids marry the first person they date.

"Dad, I want to marry Sarah."

"...You're eighteen?"

"Yes."

"And she is your first girlfriend?"

"Yes. You know this, dad. We've been dating since I was sixteen."

"And that's why you can't do it. When I was fourteen..."

"Dad, you've told me this story millions of times. You met a girl, she touched you, you thought you were going to be together forever, but that's not what happened. You told me every night for eight years!"

"I'm still upset by it, okay?! I'm still upset! ...Do you think she misses me?"

"...God, dad."

Everyone should have to date at least five people before they get married. That's it. Not thousands, not hundreds. Just date five. You could even still get married to the first person you were with, but just look around a little before you do so. It should be a rule.

"We are gathered here today to join these two in holy matrimony and if... wait. I forgot to ask one very important question. You guys have dated other people, right?"

"No, sir. We met on a playground at five and we’ve never looked back."

"Ah... this part of my job is so hard. Can't marry you, guys. Wish I could, but rules are rules. Have to have dated at least five people to be sure of this one."

"Really?"

"Hey, I don't come up with these. A decently run society does. Show's over, folks! Make sure you grab your wedding gift on the way out and take it back! These two people, who have never dated anyone else, think they're in love."

"Never dated anyone else? And you sent out invitations to this farce? I thought I loved my Betamax until the VCR came out! God, just ridiculous. By the way, 'love birds', hope you guys weren't looking forward to a Betamax. The priest told me to take back my gift."

Twitter@nathanmacintosh

White men are cloning.

All white men have started to look identical. Am I out of line here? Look around the city you live in and tell me I'm wrong. Not even 'Hey, you kinda look like him.' Nope. It's as if all white men are from the same mother.

"Hey, man. Are all your brothers at Comic-Con with you?"

"I don't have any brothers."

"What!? Whoa. That's weird, man. These guys all look like you! Are you sure your mom didn't have like twenty thousand kids she didn't tell you about?"

"I'm sure if my mother had had that many kids I would have met at least one of them."

"Whoa! Now you're over here? Man, I thought THAT guy was you. I was wondering how you threw your voice."

"I'm right here."

"You did it again!"

White men almost all look identical today and there are a few common threads that make this so.

One of these commonalities is a beard. The beard trend has become huge amongst white men. You can't go anywhere without seeing them. There haven't been this many beards on white men since the 1850's gold rush.

"'Scuse me, fellow gold sifter, but do you happen to know where an honest, work-a-day prospector like myself could do a little prospectin'?"

"I have no idea. I know I have a beard and I look like I pan for gold as I am also currently barefoot, but I am just a man who works at the Apple store."

"The Apple store? Can't believe there is now a store that just sells apples. I haven't had an apple in years. 'Spose that's why the doctors been a chasing me! (<cough cough>) Well, ol' Prospect Pete here is gonna hit the hills. If you ever want to go diving for gold, you have the look."

White men want beards so bad, even white men who can't grow one or don't look like they should have a beard have one. Beards used to just be for bikers, bad guy wrestlers and villains from eighties action movies. Now? There are a lot of patchy, wispy beards on twelve-year-old looking men.

"Okay, don't freak out, but I think there are about twelve bee legs stuck to your face."

"It's a beard, okay?! A beard!"

"...You sure it's not bee legs? Beards usually cover the whole face... and bee legs are sometimes known to explode off of a bee and stick to a humans fa... either way. Looks great."

Laziness had to be a factor at first. White men just didn't want to shave.

"These kids on Xbox LIVE can't see me, so what am I shaving for? That's right, me, I ain't! Deal with that, face! My face!"

I, at one point, also had a beard. Then one night I had a show. There were three white men with beards on before me, and then I had to go up as if we didn't all look like a special task force.

"Those guys? No. We are not part of a comedy troupe called 'The Beards That Can' that for some reason performs one at a time. I know it looks that way. As if we all share a van and travel together, but we don't!"

I shaved it the next day. Way too many beards in the beard game. I had to get out.

For some reason as well, the beard is usually coupled with the tiniest body on the planet. A sixty-seven pound white man will have a thick beard and barely the strength to carry it. They have a face that says they'll cut down a tree, and in most cases, arms that say they couldn't even climb one.

"Dude, you're looking pretty rugged."

"Thanks, man. Pretty sweet beard, huh?"

"Yeah, man. From the neck up – woodsman. From the neck down – twelve-year-old girl held captive in Libya. Not a bad look by any means, but man, your beard might weigh more than your chest."

"...What? ...Sorry, I didn't hear you. These crippling hunger pains sometimes block my hearing."

"Do you want a sandwich, man?"

"No way. It'll crumble all over my sweet beard."

Why are we becoming so small? Have white men decided to not eat as some sort of self-punishment for how well we've had it for so long?

"Guys, look. You know while we sit here at this cottage, eating burgers that have cheese infused inside and drinking a limitless supply of beer, there are people on this planet who don't even have ONE burger? Let alone a cheese infused one?"

"...That's nuts. Do they have beer?"

"That's it. I'm not eating anymore. Not until all is right with the world. I've had it white and right for too long. This time next year, I'll have lost half of myself!"

"Are you gonna finish that cheese infused burger?"

"Yes! This all starts tomorrow. Crank up The Hip!"

Along with beards and baby frames, white men have also decided that there is going to be one shoe that we all should wear. That shoe? A pirate shoe. Ah, the pirate shoes. You know the ones I mean. You've seen them. The 'dress' shoes that have buckles on them? Or better yet, the actual pirate boots that have buckles that are worn with tight pants or jeans? Jeans! Imagine. Wearing a pirate boot without a swashbuckling sword on your hip, or a satchel of doubloons in your pocket! A boot that was left over from the wardrobe department of 'Pirates of the Caribbean'.

"Cut! That's a wrap! Good work, everyone! That's movie number three in the can. What a shoot, huh guys? Everyone give your costumes back to the costume department."

"Um, sir? I don't know if you have noticed, but there is a group of barefoot white men outside who are screaming for the boots?"

"The boots? I thought they were here for Keira Knightley?"

"Well, yes, her too, sir. But they are much too afraid to talk to her without the, as they put it, 'Magical powers of the mystical and enchanting pirate boot'."

"...Hmmm ...Well, I guess… throw them over the fence. Wait, white men want these boots? I'm a white man! They must know something I don't know! I won't miss this boat. Give me a pirate boot!"

Paired with the beard, the pirate shoe, and the emaciated death body, is almost undoubtedly a plaid shirt. The plaid shirt is as important to the beard-having, pirate-shoe-wearing, 'not gonna eat until I'm the same weight as a toddler in a tiara' white man as the cape is to Batman. You'll never see Batman without his cape.

"Sir, I'm sorry. I seem to have misplaced all your capes."

"Okay, well, until you find them, Gotham will just burn."

"Sir! You can't do that! Innocent people need your help!"

"'Innocent people need your help'. God, I didn't lose my capes, Alfred. Okay? You did. Innocent people die; it's your fault. I'm gonna go out there without my cape? Does a cop hit the streets without a gun? Do you play basketball without a ball? I'm eating these Doritos. Let me know when you find them."

Just like Batman needs his cape, it doesn't seem that white men can leave their house without plaid anymore.

"Honey, have you seen my plaid shirts?"

"Yeah. I took them to the dry cleaners."

"You took two full closets worth of plaid to the cleaners? What the hell is wrong with you? I have such a busy week! What am I going to wear to the bar? Or the wedding I have to go to? Or my graduation? Or my dad's funeral? Or that job interview I have? Did you even think about these things!"

Soon, the plaid shirt will replace the actual color white as the sign of the race. That will be what you have to answer when filling out a form.

"Hmmm, what race am I? Latino, African American, Plaid. Well, I'm not wearing a Latino shirt!"

A lot of times, the plaid shirt isn't even enough. Maybe it's a little chilly out or you just want to show off buttons. So what do you put on? A cardigan. This one makes me upset. Why? Because I used to love cardigans. I started wearing them a while ago. Then I started to notice that a few others were wearing them. Until one day, I decided I had to get out of the cardigan game. I walked into a place and boom! Cardigans everywhere. As if we had all decided beforehand that we were going to start a boy band.

"Okay, guys, N'Sync was pretty cool, right? Why don't we do something like that?"

"Yeah! What will we wear, though?"

"Can I not be Joey?"

"Sure, whatever. I don't know. Has to be all the same thing, but with just slightly different colors. Maybe something to keep us warm on an already warm night... I got it! Cardigans!"

"Cardigans! That's great! I love cardigans!"

"Can I not be Joey?"

"Shut up, Steve, or you're not in Cardi-garden."

"Man, great name!"

"Thank you. It just came to me!"

Have white men decided that we're all going to band together? As some sort of super unit? Like the Power Rangers? If we all wear the same things, we'll form into one giant, super white person?

"We can't morph until we ALL are wearing the same thing! Someone get that baby a plaid diaper! We'll all be one and listening to Radiohead in no time! On three. One, two, three... Caucasian stampede!"

"...It didn't work..."

"There must be a white man out there who still thinks it's 2003 and is wearing a jersey! Hunt him down and KILL HIM!"

Was there one white man who decided that if you were in this race, there was one look we all have to go with? Was it Zach Galifianakis?

"Hello, every white man. As you know, over the last few years, I have become very popular and made a lot of money."

"How'd you do it! What's your secret! Can you teach us?!"

"Calm down. I gathered this convention of all the Caucasian race to give you my secrets."

"Is it being funny? That's it, right!"

"Security! Take this one out of here."

"Nooooo! I'm sorry! You can't throw me out there with nothing! Teach me! TEACH ME!" (<Security throws man through a door. >)

"...Now that he's gone, let's get to it. The secret to white man's success from here on out is A BEARD AND PLAID!"

(Gasps)

"I know. At first I didn't believe it either. But once I grew a beard and obtained a plaid shirt, the world really opened up for me. So to succeed, you must all wear plaid!"

"...Um ...I don't mean to be rude here, I mean, I'm happy about the conference and everything, but... I'm not a fan of plaid."

"Not a fan of plaid? Are you a fan of being an outcast? Of being an outsider? Of not fitting into the white race anymore! That's the territory you are walking, my friend!"

You cannot tell these people apart. Women dating these guys must lose them all the time.

"Hey, where did you go? Ninety percent of the guys in this bar look like you! Oh well, I'll just grab this man here. I'm sure he's in love with The Beatles as well."

"Hey, Christine! I'm actually your boyfriend! Remember we were here a couple of weeks ago? Well, you left without me?"

"Really? Wow. That other guy looked just like you! I wondered why though he couldn't remember where the Juiceman Juicer was."

"In the cabinet on top of..."

"The fridge! Oh, I've missed you. Please don't go get a drink without me. I never want to mistake you for literally any other man on the planet again."

I don't really understand how men don't care about this at all. If a woman walks into a place and sees that another woman has her exact outfit on, she at least notices. Depending on the situation, she might be upset.

"Oh, God. She has the exact same dress as me! Damn. Now I have to fake an illness and leave or 'accidentally' spill wine on her so she leaves. This place does have an open bar... accident it is!"

Do men not have that at all? Not even in the slightest? Just have the ability to walk into a room, notice every other man looks exactly like you do, and not care? I'm surprised they're not speaking in unison.

"The best Beatle by FAR is John Lennon. I mean for one, look at him? He's got the hair, the mysterious look in his eye. He's all for world peace. Way better than Paul."

"...Ashley, am I crazy, or did those two men just stare into each other's eyes and say the exact same words to each other?"

"No, Sarah. You're not crazy. It may be time to go back to dating jocks."

If you are a white man with a beard, a plaid shirt, a cardigan and pirate shoes, look at yourself in the mirror and tell me if you can even see yourself.

"Whoa! That's weird. I see Tim and Chris and Jeff and my brother, but... I don't see me. Well, I guess I'll just do the chant three times. I am different. I am different. I am diff... no I'm not."

Trailers for the Dark Knight Rises

Movie trailers are a constant in this world. I love them. I wish that before a movie played, instead of the celebrity trivia they show, old trailers were played.

"In what year did Jennifer Aniston first say, "No, I'll have salad instead of fries", thus making her bankable as an actress for years to come?

A. 1998

B. 1969

C. 1987 or

D. Inside her mother’s womb with a well-placed kick?"

"I don't care! Play the Back to the Future trailer!"

I think trailers are great. But there are some trailers that are incredibly useless. In this case, trailers for The Dark Knight Rises. Are these useful at all? Trailers for a movie so anticipated that I'm sure people would miss their kid’s baptism for it? I don't think so.

The Dark Knight Rises is so long awaited and known about, that trailers for it are ridiculous. We know about it! We have known since the end of the last movie in 2008. The ending to that movie was a trailer itself for this movie. A four-year-old trailer! That is the only trailer that is needed! We knew a series could not end that way, so we were anticipating another movie.

Was there anyone who thought that a Batman franchise would end with Batman speeding away out of Gotham City? Was there anyone who thought that was a possible ending?

"Well, what a movie. I guess that's it then. Batman is going to hit the beach for a few years. I wonder if he'll take his mask off on the surf. Gotta be hot in there on a cold day, but in the sun? Whoa. I don't envy the guy. Well, yeah I do. He's got gadgets and can fight and is pretty badass. But that suit? It's gotta be boiling. Have a good vacation, Batman! Way to stop The Joker."

Trailers are used to entice people into seeing a movie. Completely useless in this case. Who out there who has seen the other two is on the fence about seeing this?

"Man, I don't know. I loved Batman Begins; The Dark Knight was one of the greatest things I'd ever seen, but a third one? Geez, I just don't know if I have that kind of excitement to give. I mean, I spent it all on the last two! I haven't been excited for anything for four years. I had a kid – it didn't even faze me. I won the lottery – I yawned! I'll have to see some trailers to spark my interest and hopefully get some excitement back."

If you need a trailer, you don't deserve to see this movie. That should be part of the process of buying a ticket.

"Welcome to the theatre. How did you hear about The Dark Knight Rises?"

"Oh! I was on YouTube and I watched a trailer and it looked really neat!"

"Did you know about it beforehand?"

"Nope, that's why I'm excited there was a trailer. I mean without that, I'd have no ide–"

"Sorry, sir. You can't come in. See, there are real fans out here – ones who have been waiting since July 20th, 2008 to see this movie. They don't need any, "I only kinda want to be here"s in their theatre."

"...But I have money. I really want to..."

"Your money is no good here, sir! It takes a level of dedication that you simply do not have. I suggest you back away or buy a ticket for Madea’s Witness Protection."

Also, why would anyone want trailers? Is there nothing to be said for going into a movie you are excited to see and not knowing one thing about what is going to happen or be seen? Does anyone remember the trailer for Jurassic Park? It was amazing! There was a puddle of water, some stomping noises, a giant T-Rex foot stepped in the puddle, then a roar and that was it! Jurassic Park! It was amazing! Who the hell needed more than that?

"Hmmm, so it's a movie about dinosaurs, but what are they DOING? I mean, is it a movie with TALKING dinosaurs? Do they have jobs? I don't know. I'm not sold."

I don't understand why anyone would want a trailer. You're going to go, it's going to be great, why ruin that?

"I can't wait to see this movie! But I'd also like if for every month for five months, I was shown a different two-minute compilation of the movie, so that slowly but surely I can see the whole thing before I go. If only they had started showing trailers three years ago, then I could have seen the whole movie in annoying, two-minute chunks!"

Why do these trailers need to show so much? Why! Why show anything? We're going! You got that, Nolan? We're going! I cannot stress this enough. Doesn't matter if you just sent people from town to town yelling in the streets.

"Dark Knight is now here. Hear ye, hear ye – Dark Knight is out! Gather ye young'uns and head down the road to your nearest CinemaTech. Will be a righteous time, wouldn't you say? What what and all that."

We'd be going. We'd go if there was no mention of the release date at all, and one day we were just walking by a theatre and saw that it was out.

"Holy hell! I had no idea! I'm skipping work right now! I'll pick my kid up later! My friend can help himself move! That meeting can exist without me! I'll go to that wedding tomorrow! My wife can drive herself home from that operation! I'm going to this movie!"

And if you are going to show trailers, why not keep the same type of trailer you had for the last one? The floating bat shape with a few words being said, a Joker laugh, and then the date? Why not the same for this one? They did have that and then they decided that wasn't enough.

"I don't know if the Bat Signal floating into focus, Batman’s clear, audible voice speaking, Bane saying 'I will break you', and Alfred saying something 'Alfredy' is enough for people. Will they even know what it is? What if they mistake this for another Madagascar movie?"

"The Bat Signal can only mean one thing. Batman!"

"Yeah... I get that, but... I don't know. I just think we should spell it out a bit more, ya know? Really hit home what movie this is."

"...It's called The Dark Knight Rises! It has the Bat Signal! What the hell else could it be?"

"Look, just to be safe, let's just show the last scene of the movie in its entirety, credits and all, so that people will know for sure it's Batman."

"That's it! I quit! You have pushed me to quit."

"Sooo I get my way then? Goodbye, trailer hoarder! Don't let all the trailers I'm going to show hit you on the ass on the way out!"

The best part is that the trailers are completely useless because we would go no matter what they were. ANYTHING could be shown to us and we would go.

"This summer, the trilogy ends. Batman faces his toughest opponent yet. Bane. But before that, he has to face an old love that will not die. He hangs up his bat suit and picks up... a baker’s uniform! That's right. Before Bruce Wayne’s parents were killed, the young boy always thought of becoming a baker.

"Heat up the oven, Alfred. I feel a marble rye coming on."

This summer – The Dark Knight Rises... Bread."

People would still go see that! I guarantee it.

"Whoa, that looks completely awful. But, man, I'm two-movies deep in a three-movie franchise. I'd be an idiot NOT to go! If Batman puts cake batter in Bane’s serum pack I'll puke, but I will finish that movie."

Not knowing what is going to be in a movie at all can be great. I was told about Cloverfield by a friend. I hadn't heard anything about it.

"Do you want to go see Cloverfield? It's a monster movie and in the trailer the Sta–"

"Yes! You're damn right I want to see that!"

That's all I needed. Monster movie. I loved that movie, and one reason is because I was excited by concept alone and had not seen one second of it before I went in! I didn't have one of those moments where I remembered what I had seen already.

"Nice, the part that I watched on my phone two months ago! It for sure looks better here on a bigger screen. Oh, there's the part I watched on my iPad on the train. Man, it's sure great not to have a man’s crotch in my face while watching it. Oh, wait! Here's the part I watched over that guy’s shoulder in line at McDonalds. It's sure great to see it without someone yelling, 'What the hell is wrong with you, man! Stop breathing over my shoulder!'"

What is their reasoning for Dark Knight trailers? Are they upset that not every human on the planet saw that last one?

"You know, the last Batman movie we put out was only seen by three quarters of the planet."

"Jesus, that's it?"

"I know, gross, huh? What do you have to do!"

"I am both insulted and shocked. Even outraged! Let's have more trailers for this one! Maybe that was the problem. If the tribesmen of New Guinea don't buy tickets, it'll be a waste! I want penguins buying tickets for Christ’s sake! Every mammal, reptile, man, woman, child, born and unborn will see this! Also, see if we can put movie screens in rocks and send them down to New Guinea. And for God’s sake, put some theatres in the 

Antarctic for the penguins! They'll buy tickets and then have nowhere to see the movie. Have you even THOUGHT about the penguins?!"

"Ya know, I hadn't! How dumb was I. I was missing that penguin money!"

"It is a very valuable dollar."

I understand making trailers for movies that no one knows about. For instance, the movie that just came out, Savages. Savages hasn't been a comic book since the forties. It isn't a movie franchise. We didn't grow up loving it. It makes sense that they need to let us know about that movie. But a movie like The Dark Knight Rises? Come on. I have been nothing but angry to see trailers or hear people say, "Man, you gotta see this part with Bane." I'm going to the goddam movie! I'm convinced, all right! I need no more convincing. I was convinced as soon as it was announced that it was coming out.

"We are pleased to announce that in 2012, there will be a new Batm–"

"Nice! I'm there!"

"You didn't even let me finish."

"You said 'Bat', brother. Wooo! I'm in! Can I get a ticket now?"

I think that if you are seeing another movie, and if before it they are going to play a trailer for a movie like The Dark Knight Rises, they should let people know about it. There was a trailer for The Dark Knight Rises before The Avengers. Let people know you are going to show a trailer so we can leave!

"Ladies and gentleman, before we show you The Avengers, we are going to show a trailer for The Dark Knight Rises. If you like enjoyment on any level, some degree of surprise, and don't live your life based off of things written in 140 characters, we suggest you leave the theatre now. 

However, if you hate surprise, love opening presents on December 21st and think 210 characters is far too long, feel free to sit and continue never letting your friend finish a story until he trims it to 'Twitter length'."

Every trailer for this movie is useless, but if they have to do them, here are a couple that could have been done and not ruined anything in the movie. How about just shots from the last movie?

"Hey, remember this? One of the greatest things ever, huh? Well, we made another one! Come on down!"

How about just berating the audience? Just a black screen with someone talking down to us.

"Yo, loser. How the hell are you? Look, your partner's ugly, your kids are stupid, but you know what? This weekend we're releasing a new Batman movie we made! Does that help the depression subside a bit? Kill yourself! ...After seeing this movie."

Or even a complete attack on us?

"Fuck you! ...The Dark Knight Rises. July 20th."

Also, am I the only one who is a little nervous about this movie? I expect it to be good, but I dislike that Bane is not alone in this. Bane’s story is second only to The Joker. Why must Bane always be saddled with someone? Why can't he have his own story? It makes as much sense as Spiderman 3.

"You know, Venom is pretty much the coolest character that Spiderman faces."

"I know! I'm really excited. Let's throw in the Sandman as well."

"What...? Why? Venom is strong enough and cool enough that he could be in this movie on his own."

"I'm really not convinced. Let's throw another character in there to help him out."

"Nobody has been waiting to see Sandman! Since the franchise started, people have been waiting for Venom. He has one million Twitter followers!"

"Ahhh, I'd like to trust you, but does Venom come in at night and help you sleep? Does Metallica have a song called ' Enter Venom'? Nope. Sandman stays."

And to be saddled with Catwoman? Catwoman! I'm nervous. I would only really be happy if they showed Catwoman as Batman was driving down the street.

"Hey look, there's Catwoman!"

"Roar!"

"Whoa. Happy I didn't stop. All right, onto fighting real threats."

Twitter @nathanmacintosh