The Kobe Success Commercial

Commercials are a necessary evil, and are everywhere. Commercials have the ability to be funny and entertaining. The Old Spice and Dos Equis commercials are great. Some are condescending. The commercial for Eggies?

"Without them, you'll be up all night peeling eggs!"

No one has lost sleep because of eggs.

"Honey, come to bed."

"I would love to, but SOMEONE boiled a carton of eggs. If I'm in bed by Christmas, I'll be lucky. These damn shells are everywhere!"

Some commercials, however, are just so arrogant, that I'm surprised they are on T.V.

Kobe Bryant's 'Success at Success' commercial is just such a commercial. Nike has gone out of their way to make this pretentious bit of film. Kobe talking to a room full of successful people, telling them that yes, they are successful, but now, it's time to be successful at being successful. Who is this commercial for? The everyman? Doesn't feel that way. This feels as if it's only for billionaires. Feels as though this commercial was filmed at one of the secret concerts at Princes house where.

"Wow, we are all very successful! Come to think of it, while we are all here, let's talk about achieving Success AT Success. Prince? Is okay if the purple snakes leave the room while I address everyone? Their gold teeth, although not venomous as I know you went over, still hurt when they bite."

"...the snakes stay."

"Of course they do! I mean, makes sense. To be here, they have to be the most successful snakes. Slither, my reptilians counterparts. Slither!"

This commercial is the same as showing the world a private video of Tommy Hilfiger on an island only he knows about.

"Hey, guys! Why aren't you here? All you have to do is have more money than some African countries, talk to the Wizard of time and he'll personally fly you through the vortex that brings you here. It's that simple! Also, buying this watch will help."

"Whoa, I gotta get that watch. Look what it did for Tommy! If I get it, I can talk to the Wizard of time!"

It feels as if regular people weren't supposed to see it. As if it accidentally was beamed into our homes. It feels the same as that scene in the movie 'The Witches' when the mice sneak into the witch meeting. Bunch of women talking normally, then boom! They take their faces off and they are witches? Same thing. Those mice weren't supposed to see that! We are not meant to see this commercial. There is nothing here for regular people to relate to.

"Success at success? I work at a call center, Kobe! Yeah, sure. I'll try some success at success. Yesterday I was pretty successful at keeping my soul intact. Maybe today the vending machine will give me an extra Snickers bar by accident. That would be success at success. Not dying inside, two chocolate bars. Pretty decent day for me."

It would be a great commercial if it was just about success. If the commercial was just really successful people talking about success, it could be very inspiring. But no. It's a commercial for shoes. Shoes! Get all of these people in the same room, people with great ideas and great stories, and they hawk shoes to the world.

"Tony Robbins! What should I do to stay motivated? I'm broke, have two jobs I don't like, but am really trying to get a career in music started."

"Well, that's an easy one. Get a size ten and a half of Kobe Bryant's new basketball shoe."

"...but, I... don't play basketball."

"These are not just basketball shoes. They are success-ball-basket-inspire-achievement shoes of motivation! Since I've worn them, I've made two million more dollars."

"Wow, really?!"

"Of course! Nike pays me to put them on. I don't wear them for free!"

What do these shoes have to do with success? Kobe is the only one who can benefit from them! Is jumping higher going to help Tony Robbins motivate people better? Will Kanyes songs be more amazing if his ankles are protected?

"Yo, Kanye, that last song was alright, but I mean...it just sounded as if ANYONE could get to your ankles. Like, if the kid from 'Pet Cemetery' was in the studio, you'd be done."

"You're right! I couldn't figure it out, but now that I look down, I'm wearing slippers! Jesus. Toss me those Success at Success shoes and we'll do it again. Try to get at me now demon baby from the mind of Stephen King! TRY NOW!"

Also, if this is all about success, why is Richard Branson not the star of this commercial? I love Kobe, but he or no one in that room touches Richard Branson. NOBODY there is on the level of Richard Branson. He's trying to start a space program that would allow people to pay to go to space. His own space program! I love your three, Kobe, but it happens here on earth. One day, you might be able to shoot it on the moon, but it will be because of Richard Branson. No one else in that room has been knighted! He is Sir Richard Branson. Sir! Kobe can't tell Richard about success! Makes as much sense as Richard Branson telling Kobe about basketball.

“Kobe, what you need to do is drop your elbow just a bit before you release the shot.”

“Richard, this is what I do.”

“That's Sir Richard. Sir. Maybe you'd be knighted if you listened to a knight when he tells you how to shoot.”

“Have you ever played basket?”

“Oh, have I ever played basketball. Have you ever been the fourth richest person in the United Kingdom? Drop your elbow!”

In the commercial, Richard Branson says he's been to space. Kobe says he has as well. No you haven't! I get that Kobe saying he's been to space means he jumps high, but you can only say you've been to space because you jump high if you are talking to other basketball players and trying to brag. You can't tell a man whose been to space that you have been as well because you can jump!

"I've been to space."

"Ditto."

"...really? I saw a lot of things there. I can't say that I saw you."

"Well, I didn't go per say. I have dunked a basketball, though."

"Oh, I get it now. You were being cute. I made jokes like as well before I had been to space. But since I've been to space, I don't joke about it. I've been to space. Actual space. And unless there is something I'm missing, which I doubt because I have money and influence, you can't jump there."

“...I was just being facetious.”

“Of course you were! Wish I could say the same. It's hard to be facetious though when you have actually exited the earths atmosphere. Anyway, can I get back to telling you about space?”

Twitter @nathanmacintosh

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=CtIXGip_7O0

The Oscars

I never watch award shows. This year however, I was excited to see Eddie Murphy. When he bowed out, I decided not to watch, but Billy Crystal stepping in? That made total sense to me. Some people were really upset by how he did. For people to complain about Billy Crystal hosting is hilarious. 

"He's so old! Why can't they get someone younger?"

Whose better as a last minute stand in for a stuffy event such as the Oscars? The entire night is for an older crowd. At first they had Eddie Murphy, who backed out because his friend Brett Ratner took a bunch of heat for saying “rehearsal is for fags.” Now, if you are in the academy, and you took a chance on Eddie, who bails two months prior because of a friends gay slurs, are you really going to try again to look outside of safe?

“Wow, I can't believe he said that and Eddie backed out. Who should we get now?”

“Someone we can trust to not do anything insane. Andy Dick?”

“Already dialing!”

Billy Crystal fits perfectly for the night that they want! Show tunes, dance numbers, inoffensive. Who would be a better host for a show where the audience really doesn't want to be pushed, or believe that there is anything funny about the absolute seriousness of movie making? Soulja Boy?

"And the nominees for Best Actor are...Swag, for his role in Swag. Swag, for being swagful. Big swaggy for his swag hair. Brad Pitt for turning down money in Moneyball. Swag."

The Oscars really are not an awards show for movies. All movies? Absolutely not. If you want your movie to be nominated by the Academy, you better hope that no one calls it a comedy, action, or horror movie. A comedy movie will not win if it doesn't have some absolutely devastating scene in it. I think that's what 'Shawn of the Dead' was going for at the time. 

"A zombie movie has never been nominated for an Oscar."

"We'll change that! How about, the entire movie is a really fun time. It's funny, entertaining, tons of jokes. Then, the last ten minutes, I'll burst into tears and become super serious because I have to kill my zombie mother?"

"Woa, that's deep. Won't that take away from the comedy aspect of the movie though?"

"Screw the comedy aspect! OSCAR!"

There are some pretty concrete formulas for a movie to be nominated for Best Picture. If your movie is less than two and a half hours? Don't even think about it! Throw it right into the trash and try again. I think this is why Judd Apatow makes comedy movies that are longer than Amistad. Does 40 year old Virgin really have an over two hour story to tell?

"Hey, I'm a virgin who happens to be forty years old."

"Okay. We can straighten that out in an hour and a half."

"No. Maybe you didn't hear me. Forty years old. Virgin. At least two hours."

"Yes, yes. You are correct."

If your movie is not a biography on someone's life, you will also have a extremely tough time getting nominated. Movies about someone's life are Oscar gold!

"What is your movie about?"

"It's the real life story of a grocery store manager. This guy...wow. He came up with the idea for the Aisle signs! You know the signs in the aisle that say "Aisle one: Canned products" and so on? He changed the grocery store game! Before that, people just stumbled around for hours looking for beans."

"Hmm, interesting. Does he have a personal life that is crumbling?"

"Of course! See, his kids hate him because he spends more time in the grocery store than he does at home. Work crosses over to home. He places signs up in his house, "Hallway one: Bathroom, linen closet, bedroom". He loses his mind!"

"I smell a best picture nom!"

A movie that has a lot of shots of distant looks in the eyes of the actors will be nominated as well. If your movie trailer shows shots of each person in the movie staring off into what I can only assume is their own personal hell, and also has a title that makes tear up, you can start dusting off the space on your shelf for the Oscar. 

"This summer, a sad man (show man in a chair looking into the distance), a woman with cancer (women in hospital bed looking in the distance), a lost child (show kid standing in a field playing with a dandelion, with a distant look in his eyes), and a dog who thinks it's a cat (show a dog trying to use a litter box, can't figure it out, then looks straight ahead, with a distant look in his eyes). 

"I can't believe that my wife has cancer, my child doesn't know himself, and this dog thinks it's a cat. My eyes tell you that I feel empty and alone." 

This summer, "Things Aren't Always As They Dog Cancer. Only in theatres."

Apparently, good acting only ever means 'serious acting'. 

"Okay, your wife was caught cheating on you in your car that also just flew off a cliff, and the trunk happened to be full of all your belongings. And...action!"

“That seems like a weird turn of events...”

“Cry!”

People can be great actors in movies that are not serious. For instance, reaching back in time as it just came to me, Leslie Nielsen was a good actor in the Naked Gun movies. He's great! He wasn't even a comedy actor. He was a serious actor who acting in some comedies. Would he ever get nominated for those? Nope. Couldn't he have even been nominated for being in movies that were a complete side step for him? 

"You know, this serious actor seriously got me to believe that he was a comedy actor. Nominated!"

Maybe he could have been nominated if he had actually felt the pain that was inflicted on him in the movie.

"Okay, when this blowfish bites your hand because you reached into it's tank to retrieve a pen, scream in absolute agony. I'm feeling an Academy award scene."

I was shocked when The Dark Knight was not nominated for Best Picture in 2008. I never paid too much attention to the Oscars, but after that, never. There was really ten movies in 2008 that were better than The Dark night? Really?! No way. That movie was fantastic. It also followed some of the Oscar formulas. Over two hours? Check. A story of a personal journey? Check. A bio pic? No! No check. That's where it fell off. If a man really becomes Batman before this summer, maybe the next one will have a chance.

Also, are all of the awards necessary? Best sound editing? Best sound mixing? Best film editing? Best Kraft Service table attendant? These are all people that in the drop of a hat actors would scream at for little to nothing. They should have some other awards for these people.

"And now, the nominees for Best defusing sentence when an actress throws a tantrum about the sound mixing...Billy Halfpenny, for the sentence "Please stop screaming at me! I'm doing what I can!" Thomas Evans, for the sentence "Look, you're gorgeous and talented, okay? I just mix sound!" And last but not least, Douglas Trevino for the sentence, "Here's some Jimmy Choo shoes! Don't have me fired!"

The Oscars are sort of ridiculous anyway as apparently, movie companies will send gift baskets, watches and the like to the academy for votes. For votes! That can happen? 

"Please like my movie! Here are some oranges from Marrakech."

You can't even bribe a cop out of a fifty dollar ticket, but you can bribe a prestigious academy with watches that they probably just add to their morning shakes?

"Hmm, another Rolex. I've got tons of these, and can afford one whenever I would like. Let's see how it tastes in this protein shake...hmm, timely. Oh, man. I am a pun master. I will tell my maid the funny I have created, and if she doesn't like it, fire her in front of my children.”

Quit what you hate.

There are way too many people working at jobs that they hate. So many places you go you will be greeted by people who look as though they're on detention.

"Five o'clock? Why do I have to stay so long? Did I do something wrong?"

Quit!

We all have a thresh hold at a job we work that if passed, we should quit. Some people though, reach that thresh hold, then just put up with the job for countless years after. If you've thought about killing someone, quit that job. That's the limit. Not, 
"Oh, I'll quit this when I get something better." 
Nope. When you think of hitting an old woman with a car because she can't figure out which cookie to buy, time to pack it in. That should be asked at jobs.

"Hey, do you like it here?"

"Yeah, I like it."

"Yeah...you ever think about taking a Big Mac and pinging it off a kids head?"

"No! Of course not. I mean, why would I...yeah. You got me! I have. There's just so many kids! Crying 'where's Ronald? Where's Ronald?' Shut up, kid!"

"That's what I thought. Pack it up. We've liked you working here, but you're done. Run free, sir."

I've worked at jobs and had these thoughts. I worked at Starbucks for three years of my life. I joked with customers, sang. Sang! Had a great time! Near the end though, I couldn't stand it. Every time the door would open and a customer would walk in, I would be furious.

"God, what could you possibly want right now! Coffee? There's coffee everywhere! Get out of here!"

It got so bad, that I had a thoughts of taking a coffee urn, hurling it through the air towards the wall of mugs as hot coffee would rain down on customers waiting for drinks.

"Oh, god! The coffee I was waiting for is now falling from the sky! It burns when it's not in a cup! IT BURNS WHEN IT'S NOT IN A CUP!"

Right then I knew I had to get out of there. But I didn't quit then! I stayed for probably another five months. Five miserable months. Hated it everyday. The thoughts just kept coming.

"What if I put a grenade in the urn before I threw it? What if I could only make it blow people up who asked for a certain temperature for their drink? 'Can you make it the same temperature as a golf club that's been laying on Augusta?' BOOM!

There are tons of people that are angry at their job but continue to stay. Too many waitresses who are pissed that people come in, THEN pissed that the people she didn't want there in the first place didn't tip her well! 
"God, why didn't you guys tip me?"
"Are you serious? You audibly said to that other girl, 'if this table of people burst into flames right now it would make my day'." 
"Yah. And?"
Look, we get it, you hate your job. We've all had jobs we hate, but since we all know this, why do we take it out on each other?

"Can I have a sandwich?"

"Jesus man, give me a second."

"Why are you angry?"

"My boss sucks. I was supposed to have a break twenty minutes ago."

"Okay, so why not be mad at him? I didn't do anything to you."

"...you're right! Get your own sandwich. I'm going to punch him in the face...with a sandwich!"

One problem that people have with their job, is it's not the job they think they should have. Most believe they are better than their minimum pay job. Makes sense. We don't live in a "just enough" society. There are no songs in the club about making thirty thousand a year.

"Just made thirty grand, this fiscal year! Gonna hit the bar, and grab one beer! Yeah, I gotta car. It ain't got gas in it. Next weekend I'm going to a concert. Two-For-One tickets.""

No one wants to make thirty thousand dollars a year! And nobody thinks they should.

"What? I'm a baller though! How am I supposed to buy a bottle of Moet, pour it over the hood of my Ferrari while I'm driving with the top down, as Russian ass models are shaking in the passenger seat on a measly thirty thousand dollars a year? Huh? How!"

"I'm not sure. How are you supposed to clean the counter at this Arby's while you stand in here telling me tales about your Ferrari?"

"Counter cleaning my bag, man. I'm a baller!"

"Ball on your own time!"

People who really hate their job tend to think that everyone but the people they know are stupid beyond repair.

"Give me a shot, man. Dealt with a bunch of losers today."

"Rough day at the office?"

"Damn right. Everyone is an idiot. Not you, or anyone else I hang out with. But the other seven billion people? Just idiots, man."

"I hear you. I have six friends I love, therefore they are intelligent, but everyone else? Total dummy! Like this jerk over here. 'Can I get a beer'? What a piece of garbage."

"You said it, man. You said it."

We all need to understand that where we are is where we are. Of course we look to the future to have things to aim for. We should! To achieve the dreams that we want. But, don't be miserable on the journey. If you hate it, just quit! Quit! Make it the best quit ever! I worked at a Call Center for awhile (I've had some jobs), and I hated it! Every day, all day, hated it. It was a call center for a cellphone company, so people called to pay bills, scream about bills, and tell me they were going to blow someone up. I worked there five days a week, and I would call in sick four of the five days. Everyone that worked there just complained about the calls they would get during the day. Depressing is not even the word for it.

"This guy called and said this, he sai..."

"He said this?!"

"Well, there was more to the story but you cut me off."

"That's crazy! I had a customer that called me today, that said blah, blah, blah, I've really beaten my inner child and the happiness that I was going to have in this life time to death by working here, blah blah blah. Can you believe that I used to feel?"

I couldn't stand this place. So, one day, myself and a friend of mine decided to quit. The call center had Christmas lights all around the building. When they were red, it meant it was busy and calls would be non stop. Yellow meant you might have a bit of a break between calls, and green meant it was slow. My friend and I decided that we were going to hang up on people and see if we could make the light go from red to green. I hung up on probably four hundred people. That light didn't change at all! When I did take calls it was only to mess with people.

"I'd like to check my minutes."

"Check your minutes? What are you talking about? I'm at home with my wife!"

"...does your wife have any idea how many minutes I've used?"
"She better not!"

I transferred people to Spanish care just because! Spanish care was for anyone who spoke Spanish. Were the people I sent to Spanish care people who spoke Spanish? Absolutely not.

"Can I check my minutes?"

"Yep. I'll just transfer you to the minutes department."

"...¿Hola, cómo puedo yo ayudarle?

"What the hell?!"

I'd hang up and laugh for ten minutes. I tried to walk out mid way through the day, but they made me do an exiting interview on why I was leaving. The man doing it had to write down everything I said.

"Why are you leaving?"
"Because this place takes souls. It is Shang Tsung."
"...Okay. What would make you come back here?"
"If you guys bulldozed it, and made it into a McDonald’s."
"...come on, man. I have to write these down."
"Yep. Write that one in all caps."
Then myself and my friend left, walked in the rain eating frozen pizza pockets and went to see Friday Night Lights. Great day.


"But, I need money to live! I need this job, I can't quit. I need money!"
Yeah, we all need money. We also all need to not have dark, twisted hearts from doing things we hate to enjoy the things that we do. If you do something you hate to do for eighty percent of your time, that twenty percent of things you do like will suffer. We've all met people who hate everything because they aren't happy with their job.
"Wow, this sunset is gorgeous."
"Psssh, yeah. I guess. If you like the color orange. Personally? It lasts too long. And EVERYday?"


No job is worth being unhappy. None, not one. None.
"But I make eighty thousand dollars a day!"
"Are you happy when you're there?"
"...well, I think about running down school children in an old bus I fashioned an assault rifle to from time to time, but other than that, yeah. EIGHTY THOUSAND DOLLARS! A day!"
"Yeah, but you want to kill kids!"
"No, not all the time. Just forty five hours a week, nine to six, five times a week. That's it. There's tons of hours in a week! EIGHTY THOUSAND DOLLARS!"

There are no more men on the planet.

No males in my generation want to be men. Why do I say this? I met an extractor. His quote?

"Have you seen the movie Taken? That's what I do."

That is a man. He goes to foreign countries to retrieve people who have been kidnapped. Not only does he go, but he comes back. Comes back! That's a man. When he's not doing that, he's a bodyguard for Saudi princes and people like Ralph Lauren. And before all of this? He was a New York City drug cop in the eighties.

Boom. Full man. He's been a man for decades! 

I could have talked to that guy for hours. Talk to men of this generation?

"Oh, I'm a web developer."

"I work in advertising."

"I re-tweet things for companies."

That last one is a job? Unbelievable. Men of older generations wanted to make an honest living. Men now want to make money by making statements in 140 characters – by making videos or taping a friend getting hit in the nuts with a voiceover of what the pole says.

"Whoops, that guy’s nuts are coming down on my head. One of us is gonna feel this! Won't be me, I'm made of metal!"

Even if men do want to be a cop, or join the army, it's never for the good reasons that people used to do it for. 

"The money is good!"

"Having a gun would be sweet!"

"I saw it in a video game!"

No men want to get dirty anymore. Everyone wants to look perfect and smell good.

"Change that tire? Didn't Steve Jobs create something to do that before he died? He didn't? Well, then that's what I'll focus on. Re-animating Steve Jobs so he can make that thing. Does my iPhone re-animate?"

Men created electricity, light bulbs, and the telephone. Men of this generation?

"Hey! I made an app that allows me to tell other people where I am! Pretty sweet, huh? You check in, you win things. I'm the mayor of your house! I just raised the tax! Get out of your house!"

I'm guilty of not being a man. Am I a man? No. I write, say funny things, and take on no real responsibility so I can continue to do so. Is that going to help me if I'm lost in the woods? Is that going to scare off a bear?

"Oh, man. A bear! Hey, hey, you like funny situations?"

"ROAR!"

"Wooo, tough crowd."

Being a man doesn't just mean doing "manly" things. Chopping wood, building Chevy trucks with your bare hands, all while drunk on whiskey and hollering at women. No. What being a man does mean, though, is taking on some sort of responsibility. Being accountable for something. No men of my generation want that anymore. No one wants kids. No one wants a job that pays anything less than what a basketball player makes. No one wants to have any commitments that could stop him from watching Breaking Bad.

"Mom’s funeral? God, did she have to die today? She knew I was doing a Breaking Bad marathon!"

Mark Zuckerberg, for example. Arguably, the leader of my generation. Multi-billionaire, website designer, Facebook creator. Man? Absolutely not. Let's look at what he really created. He created something that brings us all together, right? No! Mark Zuckerberg created a site that allows men to look at women's beach photos, allows people to never really break up because you can always find out what the other person is up to, and a site that now just throws around pictures with "funny" captions. Would a man create this? Would a man create something that takes up all your time and annoys you? No! Had a man been around when this was being made, it would be different.

"There! Done. Just added the "Poke" button."

"Uh huh. Where is the "Work" button?"

"There is no work button! Facebook is meant to take a break."

"You know what a good break is... work! Add a work button, then get to work!"

Men who take on responsibility are really needed in this world. I believe most men can attest to this. Date a girl who had a good relationship with her dad. For the most part, she is a very well adjusted person.

Date a girl who doesn't have a good relationship with her dad? Wow. Most times? A complete train wreck that relationship will be.

"Who just called you?! WHO JUST CALLED YOU?!"

"It was my cousin."

"That slut cousin Susan?"

"She's family!"

"She wants to sleep with you! I know she does! Oh, god. Why do you like to do this to me?"

"What the hell is going on? Why are you crying?"

"Fuck you! Just fuck you! I love you – that's why! Please don't leave... get the fuck out of here!"

There was a generation of men that did stick around and help raise families. Then for some reason, a generation of men who just split! Not all, but a ton! And those guys made it hard to be a man, because they messed up so much, and to such a high degree, that they raised the bar to a point that even if you are a good man, no one cares at all. A single mom can say, "I have a job and I raise my baby on my own." The world goes, "She's a warrior." A man? "I have a job and I raise my baby on my own." "Yeah? While you're whining right now, who’s taking care of your kid? Suck it up and go to hell."

If the pioneers had known that they were finding new land and building on it so that one day men could see how many head shots they could rack up online, they would have stopped.

"What? I'm gonna cut down these trees while I have scurvy so that one day a thirty two year old man can talk to a thirteen year old through a headset and be called a loser? I don't think so. I'm going to lay down and die right here."

Greyhound.

Sometimes I have to travel, and sometimes, the easiest way to get there is the bus. Is it the worst way? Yes. As soon as I get off, every time I say, "Never again will I do that to myself. Never again." Then I go talk to a therapist about how the trip ruined me mentally.
"I thought it would be pleasant, ya know? I thought it would just be me sitting down being taking somewhere. I mean, how bad could it be? HOW BAD COULD IT BE?! OH, GOD!"


The worst job in the world has got to be Greyhound bus driver. Unless your second job is ditch digging, there’s nothing worse than that.

"Goodbye, honey! I'm driving from nine to five today, then pulling over and digging a hole for nine hours. See you later! I know these are both terrible jobs, but someone has to do them! I really hope I fall into the hole I've dug! Bye!"

A Greyhound bus breaks down just about every time I've ever taken one. The only person who benefits from this is the driver, since – his job just broke down. His job! Think about how awesome that is! 

"Listen, I'd love to work, but we just lost power. What do you mean, “Am I serious?” I'm driving a Greyhound bus! You don't think these break down?"

Greyhound doesn't have the same security system as other travel options do. People who we wouldn't let on a plane? Greyhound takes them. There is always some animal on the bus who has probably choked two women at the same time with one hand. It's almost a prerequisite. If he's not there, that bus ain’t moving.

"Where the hell is the guy who society forgot? All right, we're waiting, guys."

"Ah, come on! Let's move this thing."

"Hey, hey. Take it up with him, all right? I don't make the Greyhound rules. A demon from hell does and I don't think you want to talk to him."

When you are on a Greyhound, sometimes there is more than one of these guys on the bus and it feels as though you stepped onto the bus that takes criminals to prison.

"What's up, fresh fish? What are you going away for?"

"...Umm, I have a wedding to get to and this is the cheapest way?"

"Ha! Hear you, man. I didn't do anything either. I'm innocent, too. I'm innocent, all right! I'M INNOCENT!"

"Umm, we're not going to prison."

"Want to make a break for it, huh? I like you! WE'RE NOT GOING TO PRISON!" 

How can we have phones that do everything – everything! But the bus is still a vehicle that is as comfortable as a hot rock in Calcutta? The only time the bus was comfortable was when the title 'blacksmith' was given to people. And that was at a time when people rode horses! Animals! Of course a bus was more comfortable than that.

"This is great! I just sit here and I get to where I'm going! I don't have to kick the sides of the bus or feed it. Nothing! Thank you, advancement."

Greyhound’s customer service is hilarious. You don't want to call, but sometimes you think, "My trip was supposed to be six hours, and it took two and a half weeks. I should call someone about this."

"Hey, I had a trip that was six hours late. Anything that can be done about this?"

"Did you finally get to your destination?"

"...Well, yes."

"Then the trip was completed. Thanks for calling Greyhound."

"But it was six hours late?!"

"Do you know what you took? GREYHOUND. It's a bus from the past. Understand?"

"...Yes, sir."

There are no short trips on Greyhound either. Even if there should be. Even if you have a trip that is a straight line, right down a highway, straight shot – they will go the longest way possible and stop at gas stations, chicken coops, and mail boxes.

"Your trip today should only be an hour. It’s too bad for seventeen hours we will not even head in the right direction. Nope, we have to go down to the Atlantic Ocean, pick up one lone fisherman who has decided to change career paths, stop at every gas station and gift shop along the way – there and back – then maybe have you where you need to be."

Greyhound has ads that say, "Get To Know America Better." Yeah, you don't know this America. Have you seen it from a comfortable seat in a car? Or maybe walking around being able to stretch and stop whenever you want? That's not how you do it! Scrunch yourself into a dirty 1970's polyester seat beside someone else who’s thinking, "Wow, I've made a lot of mistakes." That's how you get to know America.

Greyhound shouldn't be able to charge you more than ten dollars for a trip. Should be illegal.

"This trip is going to be a hundred dollars."

"Oh, cool! The TVs work on this one, I'm guessing?"

"No."

"Oh... well, the seats are more comfortable?"

"Less."

"...Okay. Then I'll have two seats to myself?"

"You won't even have one to yourself."

"Well, then what do I get?"

"...A story?"

Baking Up Justice

"It never gets easier."

"What, Joe? Killing the enemy?"

Joe reaches the chopper, steps one foot inside, turns to face a fellow soldier. He slowly takes his aviators off.

"No, doing the right thing."

Joe hops on the helicopter. His body glistens in the sun, the way one would expect a trout that meets Patrick Swayze in Dirty Dancing would. He is shirtless, wearing a bandana, with a look on his face that says he's been here before.

"Let's do it again. For our women. For our fellow soldiers."

"For America?"

Joe gets a distant look in his eye.

"...That goes without saying. But I'm glad you said it."

The chopper flies over a thick jungle. Joe is standing in the doorframe. He is holding an American flag and eating a slice of apple pie.

"Where'd you get that pie, Joe?"

"I made it myself – out of 3 bullets, a hunting knife, an enemy’s boot strap, and the memories of fallen friends."

"Oh... any good?"

"...It could use some sugar."

"Quite the cook, huh Joe?"

"My sweetie back home runs a bakery. I watch her sometimes when I'm thinking of ways to kill."

Joe takes a look towards the ground. 

"Take her down."

"What?! Here, Joe? I can't land here! We'll be shot at!"

Joe grabs the pilot, spins him around, and looks him right in the eye.

"Getting shot at is what I came over here for. That – and to see the look in your eye when I do this."

Joe picks the pilot up and throws him outside of the chopper.

"I never should have questioned America! God bless you, Joooooeeeee!"

Joe grabs the controls and sends the helicopter into a nosedive. As the ground gets closer and closer, a small smirk appears on Joe's face. He is finishing the last of the apple pie.

The ground is getting closer and the helicopter is heading straight for a small schoolhouse.

"Hmmm. ‘School for the Blind’. They're not even gonna see it coming."

Joe wipes his mouth with his American flag and then dives out of the helicopter. The helicopter slams into the school, blowing it to pieces. The school’s teacher and students were on their way in.

"Oh, dear God! Students! I'm happy you can't see this."

"Why, Mrs. Doubletree? What was that loud bang?"

"Ahh... it was math. Math saying, "learn me!"

"And the feeling of fire?"

"That's the tardy dragon saying we're late. Now open those books!"

Joe is swooping towards the earth as if he is an eagle about to pluck a fish out of a lake. He is holding the American flag in his hands by the pole. 

"Nobody said it was gonna be easy, but it sure will be fun."

Joe hits the ground and instantly throws the American flag and pole through three men – impaling them against a tree. As they die, they each give a thumbs up as the American Flag waves in them. 

Joe ducks behind a barrel and peers around it. He sees a man walking with a donkey dragging a cart and a store where a few men and women are standing out front talking.

"Taking a break, huh guys? Well, you're about to get Joe Horsepower-ed... that's killed!"

Joe jumps out from behind the barrel. He runs toward the man with the donkey cart and kicks him in the chest.

"Don't bother getting up. That was a Horsepower kick. Your insides are mush."

Joe takes a grenade off of his belt, pulls the pin, puts it inside the donkey’s mouth and picks him up.

"EEEE AHHHH! EEEE AHHHH!"

"You're about to be Mule-tilated!"

Joe throws the mule towards the men and women in front of the store.

"EEEE AHHHHHHHHH!" BOOM! The people are thrown about. Just then, Joe's General comes running out of the store with his gun drawn.

"Jesus Christ! What the hell is going on out here?! Joe! JOE! What the hell are you doing?"

"Sir, what am I doing? I'm spreading freedom across this war torn land."

"You dumb son of a bitch! This is neutral land! There's no fighting going on here! You just killed innocent people! Couldn't you tell – by the fact that nobody had a gun? Or that a damn donkey was in the middle of the road instead of a jeep or artillery truck?!"

"...Sir, with all due respect, I thought the donkey was a jeep. A jeep – with an elaborate donkey cover."

"GOD DAMMIT IT. JOE! THAT'S IT! You are out of here! You are discharged! Dis-honorably discharged! DIS-HONORABLY, DIS-HONORABLY DISCHARGED!"

"...Is that the most dis-honorable way to discharge?"

"YES! God damn it, yes! I'm making sure you go to anger management as well before you are let back on the American taxpayer! Get on that helicopter!"

A helicopter lands behind Joe. He turns around and walks towards the helicopter. As he gets on, he turns to look at his General. The General is saluting with his middle finger.

"All right, everyone. Welcome to Anger Management."

Joe is sitting in a semi-circle of chairs. There is a table with a coffee maker and muffins against the wall. Around Joe are other soldiers. The anger management coach sits in front of them.

"Now, you are all here because you cannot control your anger. Let's go around the room and share the incident that got you here. Colonel Smith?"

"...All right. I was doing my laundry and a dryer ate my sock. That sock... that beloved sock... was one half of a pair my daughter made for me in her sewing class. They never fit right and they were purple, but that's not the point. I loved that sock!"

"I understand. And what did you do?"

"I rigged the dryer with C-4 and I blew it up! How was I to know that it was enough C-4 to take out an entire floor? Huh?! HOW WAS I TO KNOW!"

"Shhh. Breathe, Colonel Smith. Count backwards from one million, six hundred and forty seven thousand, three hundred and forty one."

"ONE MILLION, SIX HUNDRED AND FORTY SEVEN THOUSAND, THREE HUNDRED AND FORTY ONE! One million, six hundred and forty seven thousand, three hundred and forty. One million, six hun..."

"Joe Horsepower, would you like to share?"

Joe looks up from his hands. He has "freedom" and "Chevy" tattooed on his palms.

"Yeah, I'll tell you. I'm here because I love my country too much. I'm here because I love eagles, baseball, and monster trucks! I'm here because other countries are WRONG!"

Joe stands up, pumping his fist in the air.

"...I see. Are you also here because you threw a pilot out of a helicopter, blew up a school for blind children, impaled three men with a flagpole, dropkicked another man turning his insides to pudding, and force fed a donkey a grenade before throwing it at a group of civilians?"

Joe lowers his arm.

"...No contest."

The Rocky Movies

In my opinion, the Rocky franchise is the greatest movie franchise there is. I even like Rocky V, but I can say that now because there is a sixth. When Rocky V was the final one? Not the best way to end a series.

"Dad! I'm getting beat up at school!"

"Oh, that's great! What's that behind your ear? A quarter!"

Knowing the story alone is enough to love Rocky. Stallone had no money at all. He sold his wife's jewelry to keep the heat on because he didn't want to get a job and take away from his acting career. She left him (which makes sense) and it was just him and his dog. He saw the Chuck Wepner/Muhammad Ali fight (which the first Rocky is based on) and went home and wrote the script in twenty-eight hours. He tried to sell it and people wouldn't buy it if he wanted to star in it. He was offered two hundred and fifty thousand dollars NOT to star in it, and he refused. Then he was offered thirty thousand for it and they agreed to take a chance on him starring in it – and it won best picture of '77... that alone! THAT ALONE! Huge. Just huge. Not too many other movies have that back-story.

"I didn't really like You Don't Mess with the Zohan."

"Yeah, but did you know that Adam Sandler made a whole lot of great movies before that one?"

"...Yeah. That's why I didn't like it."

As a series, people put Indiana Jones, Back to the Future, and Star Wars up against the Rocky movies. Better than Rocky?! Let's take a look.

Indiana Jones – Very cool story. Very cool man. Has a whip and a gun. He traveled to exotic lands. Is this a better franchise than Rocky? No way. Why? Rocky would win in a fight every time.

"Welcome everyone to the Fight of the Century! Rocky Balboa, the Italian Stallion, vs. Colonel Henry Walton "Indiana" Jones, Jr., Ph.D., an archaeology professor. Strange attire to box in – a hat and leather jacket – but we'll see what he can do."

DING!

"And there's the opening bell! Rocky starts to the center of the ring and OH MY GOD! Indiana pulls out a whip and is instantly disqualified! I can't believe it! Rocky wins due to disqualification!"

In Indiana Jones time, if Rocky had been the boulder that chased Indiana in Raiders of the Lost Ark, he would have got him. Or if Rocky had been the man who gets shot in that scene by Indiana, the bullet would have been absorbed by Rocky’s never-give-up-attitude.

BOOM!

"How are you still alive?!"

"Well, ya know, Mick used to say, “'Don't let no bullet, throw in your towel', so I just, ya know, don’t."

Back to the Future – great series of movies. I like all of them. I love the second one. If Rocky had been in these movies? Biff’s 1985 never would have happened.

"Oh, no! Biff took the sports almanac back in time to his younger self!"

"Hey... yo... just point me in the direction of this Biff guy, and ya know, I'll straighten him out, like."

"We can't! The flux capacitor needs 1.21 gigawatts!"

"Yo... I don't know about a giga-what's-it, but I'm gonna run up this here mountain, yell Biff’s name so loud he'll hear it, and if he's, ya know, any kinda man, he'll get in the ring."

Star Wars – now people may think, "There's no way Rocky could beat someone who has a lightsaber. Lightsabers cut through doors!" Well, lightsabers never had to cut through something as hard as Rocky's abs. Rocky III and IV? He pooled all of the abs in the world. Other men at that time didn't even have stomachs because Stallone took them all – the way Shang Tsung takes souls. He looked like a shark in boxing trunks. Any woman who had sex with Stallone at that point in time also had her soul washed on his abs. If he had sex with an eighty-year-old woman, it would have ironed the wrinkles out of her. 

"Oh my, this is insane! I feel younger!"

"Yo... you are. These abs turn back time. Your spirit-ality."

A lightsaber? It would have snapped in half had it met those abs!

"What?! Just this morning I cut an AT-ST in half! How did it break on your abs?!"

"Yo, I've been training with Apollo. He's real good, you should, ya know, meet him."

Another great thing about the series is that none of the actors change! Over thirty years! Adrian is Talia Shire the entire time. Paulie is Burt Young! For thirty years!? If they did change, it would have been with famous people. Do you know how terrible Rocky VI would have been with Tracy Morgan as Paulie?

"Yo, Paulie, what happened to your eye?"

"My eye? I still look handsome, I look good. I'm the ooh child. Somebody gonna get pregnant."

Some people were angry about Rocky VI coming out. Rocky VI is great for too many reasons. For one, it's loosely based off of actual events! It's the story of George Foreman. To sum it up quickly, George Foreman fought Muhammad Ali in the Rumble in the Jungle. George was younger and stronger, so the odds were in his favor. George lost, and went through a ridiculous depression for the next ten years. Ten years! When he went back into boxing, he was in his forties. People laughed at him. Nobody thought a man in his forties could beat people in their twenties. But when he was forty-five, he won back the heavyweight title! Forty-five! Won it! That's incredible, and that is what Stallone based Rocky VI on.  

I've met a lot of women who don't understand the Rocky movies. "Why do men like them so much? Because he punches people?" The Rocky movies are to men, what movies like Dirty Dancing and The Notebook are to women. Women watch those to live out a fantasy, we do the same. Only difference, our fantasy could beat the hell out of your fantasy. Also, those movies rev you up for challenges. If you were running a marathon, you wouldn't watch "Alvin and the Chipmunks: Chipwrecked" to get motivated.

"I've got thirty five miles to run tomorrow. Come on Chipmunks! Be cute!"

When I meet a man who doesn't like the Rocky movies, I assume he has no ambition or drive at all.

"I didn't like the Rocky movies at all. So stupid. All right, guys, if you'll excuse me, I have a big day planned. I have to re-tin foil my windows as I'll be in the house all weekend hot boxing...woo, that took the wind out of me. Can someone carry me to the door?"

The soundtracks are enough to make you want to do something with your life. Do other soundtracks have that? Star Wars’ soundtrack is great, Jurassic Park’s is amazing, but does either one of those make you want to finish that deck you started last February? Nope. The Rocky soundtrack would make you tear down your house just to build a better one.

"What are you doing?!"

"I'm tearing this ol’ house down and building a house with a tennis court! Yo Adrian, I'm doing it!"

"Who the hell is Adrian? And you don't have to tear down the whole house to add a ten..."

"YOOOOO!"

Also, Stallone wrote ALL of the Rocky movies and directed four of them! Do you know how incredible that is for a series? Did Michael J. Fox write Back to the Future? Did Harrison Ford put the whip down and get behind a camera? Nope. They just had the one job. Act.

"Stallone, we need you to stand here. Oh, look at that, I'm talking to myself. Also, we need a re-write. Yep, that's me as well. What the hell are you other guys doing here!? Get out of here Carl Weathers! I'm gonna Eddie Murphy this whole thing."

I think Sylvester Stallone has brought enough to this planet. Rocky was enough, but then he did five more. Sylvester Stallone should be exempt from worrying about global warming. He has done his part.

"Umm, you can't just dump that gasoline in the sewer, Mr. Stallone."

"Oh, yeah… well I wrote a series of movies that inspired you to get out of bed this morning to fight for this planet."

"...Umm, yeah. I guess you're right! Can I have your autograph? You can sign it in gasoline."

The Rocky movies have inspired people for generations, and will continue to do so. When a man gets any kind of success in his life because a DeLorean went back in time, I'll change my mind. Remember guys, Rocky stopped the Cold War and brought down the Iron Curtain with his bare hands! Okay, Rocky IV is a little over the top – Boom! Stallone pun in a sentence about Rocky IV! – but it is entertaining.