Insurance. Not really.

Insurance is something that everyone will have to deal with at some point. It sounds reassuring. Makes you think of safety, protection, maybe even a favorite blanket and a warm cup of cocoa. A favorite blanket won't try to choke you one day, though, and that cup of cocoa won't suddenly turn back to milk when you really need it. Insurance, however, may not be there when you need it.

Insurance companies love to have ads showing happy people. Happy people running through fields wearing the warmest of sweaters, swinging their kids around, drinking coffee, sitting in kayaks. Then the tag line,
"Insurance: Let us tuck you in at night."
"Ahhhh. That company cares about me! Tuck me in!"

It's ridiculous when insurance companies pretend to care.
"We don't want to see anything bad happen to you."
No, you don't. Because if something does, you'll have to do some work and figure out a way not to pay for it.
"How the hell did he fall? God, I guess I'm missing lunch today. Gotta figure out a way to prove it was his shoes fault and not the streets. Man this place makes me mad some times!"

Car Insurance
Should just be 'car insurance', right? I have a car, and I would like it insured. But no, insurance companies break it down into sections to get more money. You decide how you will get into an accident.
"What do you want covered on your car?"
"Can I get the whole car covered?"
"Of course you can! So that's collision, liability,comprehensive,uninsured motorist protection,no fault, medical/personal injury, drivers side tire, trunk, and radio insurance.  Oh, you'll want the radio insurance. Just last week a mans radio jumped out of his car and strangled a motorist. Good thing he was covered."

Car insurance companies make you pay more insurance for two door cars.

"Well, they go faster. Therefore, they are more dangerous." 

Yeah, but I still have to drive the speed limit! Doesn't matter if you're driving a Lamborghini, in the city you'll be driving the same speed as a Plymouth Windstar.

"Nice car! Does it have extra large cup holders like mine? I can fit a double big gulp in this thing! No room for kids in that thing huh? Man, are you lucky!"

Insurance companies try so hard not to pay you when something does happen. They must have a room full of guys, smoking Marlboros and drinking coffee, looking over blue prints the way generals do in war movies.
"Guys! Accident just happened, and he may be totally in the right! We might have to pay some money! What are we gonna do?"

"For god's sake man, get ahold of yourself! We can't pay out a little bit of money compared to the 6.5 billion we'll make this year. You know damn well we are not in the business of paying for accidents! We are in the business of talking people into believing that the accident was their fault! Now, I'm gonna hack this butt and make these people doubt themselves, and you get the president of the company on the phone and say we'll be fishing in Bucksport, Maine before they can say insurance premiums."

Even if you had the exact insurance for what the situation you were in called for, they'd find a way not to pay. If you had the "candy apple red Corvette, going 87mph on a country road, making a left onto Sprint st, get t-boned by an 24 year old college graduate on his way to a job interview in a 68 Ford truck" insurance, and that happened, they'd find a way.
"God, friends told me I was crazy, but I'm glad I got that insurance!"
"Ah, but did you have the blue jay flying 24 ft off the ground in the direction of South West insurance? Sorry, you're liable."

A young man's insurance is more expensive then a young woman's. Just ridiculous.
"Well, young men get into more accidents"
"Who posts that stat?"
"It's on our insurance company's website, sir".
"Oh wow! Why would you not pad your own stats!"
It's more expensive because men can't complain. Not at all. If women's insurance was more because "women get into more accidents than men", women would protest! Bras would burn! Marches would be had! And they'd be right.
Someone thought about that. "We can get more money out of men, because if they are really men, or want to be men, they won't complain about it."
If men got together to complain about insurance? "1,2,3,4, we don't want to pay more!", world leaders would pull up, "Pull your panties up gentlemen! Next you'll be wondering why fathers day is a joke! Go to work you Marys! There's got to be some boxes to stack somewhere."

The best is, people at one point in time went, "I'm  not paying for car insurance. That's ridiculous!" So what happens? They made it illegal to drive without it! Hilarious!

"How come?"

"Well, we're protecting you. What if you get into an accident? Whose gonna pay for it?"

"Do you care if I do get into an accident?"

"No, but what if we did?"

Home Insurance
You bought a home? Then you have to get some home insurance! What if someone breaks in and steals your Donald Duck Collectors edition towel rack? You can't take that chance.

You also can't just get "home insurance". What kind? What do you want to protect against? Home insurance does have a ridiculous clause that helps companies not pay. The 'Act of God' clause. Oooooweee! What a good one.

"No, we can't pay for your house. That hurricane was an Act of God."
"How is it an act of God? I said hurricane, not plague or locusts. He didn't turn my house into wine. That would be an act of God. Hurricane! If God was driving a car and he smoked me in an intersection would it be an act of god? No! It'd be an act of bad driving! This was bad hurricane throwing. Put it in a jungle where no one lives! He owes me money! Wait, weather is Mother nature's territory! Call her up and tell her she's liable!

An 'Act of God'? What year is this? If we are keeping the church out of state, can't we do the same with insurance?
"God destroyed your house. Sorry."
"He make my kid sick as well? You gonna tell me to put leeches on my head and repent so it doesn't happen again? It's 2011! Not 1611. If I get cold in December, it's not an act of god. It's an act of science and not having gloves."

If there are 'Acts of God', whose God are we going with here? Christian God? Old man with a white beard throwing disasters at your house? That who we're going with? What about an old Roman god? Buddha? If a God you don't pray to destroys your house, you should get some money back if.
"Hurricane hit your house? Act of God sir."
"Which God did it though?"
"Studies show the Hindu God Vishnu is responsible most times."
"Well, damn it! Shouldn't I get money back then? He's not my God! That damn Hindu God is infringing on my basic human freedoms! He's been giving me problems ever since I accidentally hit that cow on the highway. I'm sorry, Vishnu! What else do I have to say!"

Whoever came up with the Act of God clause must be celebrated in the world of insurance the way Steve Jobs is celebrated in the world of technology.
"Another great fiscal year, guys! Let's take this opportunity to toast to the man who made it possible for us to buy pairs of gold socks and still only wear them once before we throw them out, Professor Chris Holloday! Of course we call him the Professor for being so smart as to come up with the 'Act of God' clause. Haha, oh man. Act of God! Good one, Professor Chris. Rest in peace, sir, in the casket constructed from a hollowed out Rolls Royce Phantom, and the bones of Abraham Lincoln, that we burrowed directly into the center of the Earth as nobody deserves to be on your level. Rest in peace, you devilish warrior."

ANYONE who works in insurance has the exact same job as someone who goes around cutting purses on the street. Yes, a cut purse. Only difference is one guy is indoors.

"What do you do?"

"I rob people in the street."

"Oh, that must be cold. I rob people from an office. Much more comfortable."

"Ya know, I've been meaning to get an office? Thing is, tourists don't come through offices too much."

"...They do if you're selling... travel insurance, son!"

"Oh man! You just opened up my world of thievery!"

They high five over a kid on a spit roast.

Travel Insurance

What a farce. "If you lose your bag, we will pay for it to be replaced." Sounds great! Until you try to collect on it. 

"Can you tell us how much the contents of the bag were worth?"

"Yes, with cameras, clothes, and other electronics, about $1400."

"Okay, sir. We can give you $300."

"What?! But I said $1400!"

"Yes, you did, sir. And I said $300. Also, it will be sent in the form of coupons to Red Lobster's kids' menu. Thanks for purchasing travel insurance."

How are these people not crooks? They have talked people into giving them money for a 'what if'. "But what if you get hurt? What then?" We would never do this with anything else.

"If you give me 1000 dollars, I may give you a tv."

"Umm, that doesn't sound like a good deal."

"What if it's a great tv?"

"....You're right, let's give it a shot!"

"Thanks! Damn, no tv in the box. What if there was, though? Want to give me a thousand dollars a month and maybe one day there will be a tv in it?"

"Do I!"

Health Insurance

What's hilarious about health insurance is, if you need it, you ain't getting it.

"My arm is about to fall off! I really need health insurance."

"Yes, we can see you really need our help, and that is unfortunately why we cannot help you. We only give insurance to healthy, fit people with no history of illness."

"But those people don't need it!"

"Sir, please, calm down and stop flailing. Your arm is about to fall off."

They won't give it to you because they don't want to pay! How have we let these people do this!

When people revolt and go into an insurance company and burn it down, we can all call it an act of god.