Am I traveling or on a timeout?

Flying has got to be one of the top five greatest things that humans are able do. To actually sit in a piece of metal and go 30,000 feet in the air and be able to get to another part of your own country, let alone a completely different one, in a matter of hours? Incredible. So, why is it not a celebration on a plane? Why is everything so cold and robotic?

When you walk on, the flight attendant and Captain should be there to say, "Can you believe that we're actually going to fly?!” 

“I know! In the air!”

“We'll be in Vegas in four hours! Two weeks on the stupid train!" 

Then they high five you and pop a bottle of champagne.

"My god I love the Wright Brothers. Wooooooo!"

Alas, that is not what happens. A flight attendant is standing at the door to greet you, but only to check your boarding pass the exact way a flight attendant did at the top of the ramp! Does the flight attendant at the top of the ramp mess up so much that they had to get a stewardess on the plane to double check? 

"Can I see your boarding pass, sir?...This is a box of Raisin Bran. My God, Cheryl is slipping up there today. Cheryl! This is cereal! Jesus, whose cousin is she?"

Why do the airlines have to talk as if we are in the Oval Office listening to scientists? Even then there might be a "Yo, bro, you wanna give me a second to explain what's in this beaker?"

The language on a plane couldn't be any colder if it was written by Tipper Gore, and edited by a corpse.

"Ladies and gentlemen, we would like to extend our hands in gratitude to you for flying with us. We would ask that you please place your leather body holder in the full and upright locked position, and keep your vision sensors forward as we prepare to ascend into the atmosphere."

Nobody in the real world talks like this! If their are people that do, they should not be allowed on planes, they should be investigated for the murders taking place in their towns. WE ARE FLYING! This should be a celebration!

"Yo guys, it's about to happen! You know when you get on a roller coaster and it goes to the top of the track? Well this plane is gonna do that, but keep going up! INTO THE SKY! And we have alcohol! Can you get a beer on a coaster? Don't think so!"

I just don't understand why it all HAS to be so uncomfortable. I understand you want to make money planes, but the people who paid to be here should be able to unclench their fists without hitting the seat in front of the. You lean back, you crush the top of someone’s laptop who was watching 'Good Burger' to try to shut their mind off and not deal with this tuna can simulator. 

Why do the seats need to be straight up for take off? Is there any actual reason for this, other than, "Sir, you were looking kind of comfortable and as if you were about to fall asleep, we just can't have that here. Put your seat straight up, and prick yourself with this needle so you have a disgruntled look on your face". 

"Aghgh, god that hurt."

"There you are, sir. Thank you."

The craziest thing to me is that if you have headphones that are anything but earbud headphones, you have to take them off for take-off and landing. What? Why! Well, I asked one day. Do you know why? DO YOU? It's so that if the plane flips upside down during take off, and you fall out of your seat, you won't hang yourself... THAT'S THE REASON I WAS TOLD! Told me as well as if it was law. As if nothing else could possible make more sense than this.

"Oh, it's because if the plane flips over, you don't hang yourself. That's a fact. Nothing is more factual than that. We've done tests, and even needing air to breathe is not as much a fact as hanging yourself with headphones. Seriously. Studies have shown that we might not even need air. Apparently we could be getting our oxygen from the sun. I know, I couldn't believe it either! I do however believe that you will choke yourself if we flip upside down. Headphones off, please."

First of all, it could possibly be the stupidest thing that has ever been said to me, and someone said to me once "You should come to this club man. The girls there, they have hungry eyes". 

Second, "if we flip upside down", how often does this happen? That should be looked at and not my headphones.

"We have been flipping a lot of these planes upside down on take offs and landing. We should really look into it."

"What? That's part of the plane’s charm! Might flip this way, that way. It's a ride! We're not looking into that. Just tell people people to brace themselves."

Third, if I want to wear my headphones and the consequence could be hanging myself, let me make that decision myself, all right? I think that's fair. I paid to be here. If the plane flips over, while everyone else is screaming, I want to be choking while Ice Cube blares in my ears.

Being on a plane now is like being in Homeroom. 

"Um, stop doing this, stop doing that. Oh, here comes an announcement."

"Kids, I am an ominous voice that sounds as if I'm in a cave. We are experiencing some turbulence, so please keep your safety buckle fastened. Also, remember, Mr. Bleaker’s math class is cancelled today, and oatmeal chocolate chip muffins are just a dollar today in the café. Thanks for flying with High Jet School Airlines."

I'm assuming they are going to keep the terrible safety demonstration on the plane, but can we just get rid of the seat belt part of the safety demonstration? We all know how to buckle a seat belt by now. If you don't, doesn't even matter. A seat belt may help in a car crash, but a plane crash? No way. Never a story that goes, "A plane crashed today, and there were hundreds of survivors, except for one idiot who didn't have on his seat belt. Didn't he know that seat belts stop all bad things from happening? If you were wearing a seat belt while a tiger attacked you, the tiger would politely apologize and lie down in front of you making himself into a foot stool."

Nope, just, "Yeah, a plane crashed today. Survivors? You serious? It's 30,000 feet in the air! Some people die from falling from 10. Seat belts?! Jesus. I'm assuming once the plane made impact those seat belts turned into somewhat of a fire whip that lashed at everyone. Much like Ghost Riders chain. "

One airline was making things fun. Making jokes, having a good time. WestJet told jokes constantly. Then what happened? A flight attendant made a joke about a place they landed, something like "Nobody wants to be here", and people from the town complained! COMPLAINED! The mayor complained about it! This town really must be something if the mayor has time to answer cheap shots from a flight attendant.

"Sir, sorry to bother you from doing your mayoral duties, but someone called our town a Doodie head factory."

"What?! My God. I had a lot of mayoral things to do,  but this is now on the top of the list! Roads and schools will have to play second banana today. Doodie head factory. Jesus Christ, my kids live here! They'll have as little fun as I do when I'm done with them!"

So, because of that, now WestJet does not make jokes, and is as un-fun as every other airline. Good going people who can't laugh at themselves. Now on every flight we can all have our seriousness in a full and upright locked position.

Remakes of movies... this needs to end.

Remakes: most are not very good. There are some exceptions. "Cape Fear" with DeNiro is great, as is John Carpenter's "The Thing." "Charlie and the Chocolate Factory?" Absolutely not. Nope. Not at all. Have you seen the original? It's fantastic! Still! It's complete magic! Watch it right now if you are ready for a beautiful feeling in your chest. You're not ready for a beautiful feeling in your chest? Then Johnny Depp and Tim Burton can give you a hand.

I just don't understand why remakes are done. I would get it if aliens came down and took all of the copies of a movie.

"Guys! We have to remake 'Total Recall', because an army of aliens came down and took all copies of the original."

"No way! Okay, with Arnold?"

"Nope, Colin Farrell."

"God, I hope that production team is attacked by an army of aliens."

Also, when Arnold is in a movie, that movie is done and it's as good as it's gonna get! That movie does not need to get made again. You see Commando? Who else could say those lines? Nobody. NOBODY.

The only Arnold movie that could maybe (and that is a maybe) be up for remake would be "Junior." If they wanted to remake "Junior" starring UFC's Brock Lesnar, I wouldn't watch it, but I could understand.

This summer:

"Brock, you are pregnant."
"But I have a fight this weekend!"
"You have to cancel it, or your baby could suffer brain damage."

Will Brock make sure his baby can walk around town, or put his opponent in the ground and pound?

"I may be pregnant, but you can't mess with this!" Brock Lesnar in "Junior."

Some of these remakes come out of left field, too. "Arthur?" "Arthur!" Who was screaming for a remake of "Arthur?" I have seen the original a bunch of times -- I really liked it as a kid. "Arthur's Theme (Best That You Can Do)" by Christopher Cross is a song I love. Even as a fan of the original, I saw the trailer for the remake, and was so enraged I could have punched Christopher Cross in the face. "When you get caught between the moon and New York City, you dodge a punch, Chris."
They are remaking "Short Circuit!" Stop this! That movie is fine! Steve Guttenberg! GUTTENBERG! Don't take this away from The Gut. They already remade "Haunted Mansion" with Eddie Murphy, basically burying his version. If they remake "Three Men and a Baby" or the "Police Academy" movies, Steve Guttenberg might has well have never existed at all.

I understand a remake if the director and cast weren't happy with the original.

"Guys, remember that scene where you can see my hands while I hold that kid up who is supposed to be falling? My bad, let's try it again."

Or if the movie flopped.

"Listen, we know you guys hated 'Blues Brothers 2000', but we really think we had something there. You know, Blues, Brothers, the year 2000. Just give us another shot!"

Are there actually people who love a movie so much that instead of just watching it again, they want it MADE again?

"I love this movie! I hope they keep putting it out every ten years!"

"But you own it on Blu-Ray and DVD."
"Yeah, but I don't have it written by a guy who used to work at Starbucks and directed by the guy who managed that Starbucks. This time the villain will be played by a cookie. I'm excited!"

I could maybe see terrible movies getting remade, but "Footloose?" Jesus, people love that movie! Why not remake "Transformers 3", or the whole franchise? And this time remake the writers' positions as well.

"Well, judging by the writing of the others, this time you guys will sweep the set. Yes, you can use your pencils if you want, just don't write anything!"

Who wants to see a movie they love get made with a different cast?

"I love Terminator 2, but I wonder what it would have been like if Andy Rooney was T-1000? And if Mike Wallace starred as the Terminator. Yeah, that's what I want. Terminator 2: 60 minutes day."

Nobody really likes these movies, either. Why do people go?! The most you get from someone who sees them is, "It was all right." That's the best!

"Not as good as the original." Of course it wasn't!

"Well I hadn't seen the movie with Katie Couric before." There's a reason for that!

They should make no money. None! At all.

"And this week at the box office, the remake of Jurassic Park made zero dollars, as audiences say, 'We saw this movie 18 years ago.'" Steven Spielberg was flabbergasted. "I'm actually shocked. I didn't think they would remember. I know it was everywhere. Toys, clothes, books, pencils, video games, cups, everywhere, but that was almost 20 years ago! Man, these audiences are good."

I could see movies from the '20s, '30s, '40, and '50s getting remade for a new generation, but the '90s? The '90s! What the hell are we doing?! That just happened.

"Alright guys, that's a rap! Nice, let's reset to film he remake. I know this one hasn't been in theatre yet, but we're saving time. This time, you direct it, and I'll star in it. Don't argue with me, as long as I'm in this chair I'm still the director!"


Why just stop at remaking movies? Why not crucial events in history? Why not remake the moon landing and this time send Bieber up there?
"That's one small step for never, one giant leap for never saying never."


Then people could argue about which one was better.


"Don't get me wrong, I LOVE the Buzz Aldrin moon landing. I don't know though, it didn't have enough dancing for my liking."

When people dig up the remains of this civilization, they'll see we really just ran out of ideas at some point.

"Wow, they must have been bored. They made 'My Big Fat Greek Wedding' five times. Personally, I like the one with Willie Nelson the best. He played a great Greek guy."

People say that a remake will make people want to find out about the original. Will it? When the Playstation 4 comes out, will people go, "Man, I love this system. I wonder where systems started? I'm gonna go buy an Atari!" Absolutely not. They'll say, "Yeah, the Playstation 4! Every system that came before this is garbage. Get that PS3 shit outta my face!"

When Blockbuster ran out of ideas, they shut down. If Barack Obama runs out of ideas of what to do with the free world, he loses it. If 5-10 remakes a year is what you're gonna do, it might be time to shut down Hollywood, and change the sign to "Been-done-before." Or, just remake the Hollywood sign, with purple letters instead of white, totally out of Tupperware. Keep your track record the same.

Romantic Comedies. My god.

I am not a fan of romantic comedies.  Of course, there are some I have seen and enjoyed. “Annie Hall” is obviously fantastic. One time I watched “How To Lose A Guy In 10 Days” and I enjoyed it. It might have been because I watched it with a girl I had a crush on. Word of advice: if a girl invites you over to watch “How To Lose A Guy In 10 Days”, she wants to lose you when the movie is over.

First, the ways that the main characters meet are just too quaint.

"You'll never believe what happened! I was doing my job as a dog walker in the park, and a man ran into me while HE was walking dogs! Turns out, one of the dogs I was walking was his mom’s, and one of the dogs he was walking belongs to my boss who happens to be my ex-husband who played basketball with the guy who hit me in college! Isn't the world a crazy small place? So he's going to come over to dinner at my house to make up for killing the dogs I was walking, and to challenge my boss/ex-husband to a game of one-on-one for my heart!"

Then the first date is something you would have to save up to do with your wife of 10 years, but the main character here is a real man. He picks her up in his Maserati because the Lambo is in the shop, and takes her to a Lakers game, court side. Kobe Bryant falls on their lap and they get caught on the Titantron. The crowd starts to cheer.

"Yayyyy! Beautiful people on the screen with sexual tension! Wooooo!"

They hear the chants, look at each other as if they will kiss, but then Kobe comes over to apologize and ruins the moment. 

This all happens on the first date. First date! What could date two possibly consist of?

"I didn't want to tell you on the first date because I didn't want you to think less of me, but my father actually owns NASA. Have you ever had a candlelit dinner on a space shuttle? Your past boyfriends couldn't offer you that, huh? Wow, what losers. So I'll pick you up at 8? Just joking. My driver will do that."

He invites her over. She spends all day buying a brand new dress because she's a “down-to-earth” girl who wears jeans.  The driver comes to get her, and she's so “down-to-earth” that she says she can get her own door. Since she's “down-to-earth”, she gets caught in the door because she doesn't understand that a dress has more material in it than jeans. Instead of opening the door, she pulls on it and tears the dress in half! She spends the rest of the ride saying to the driver "Oh yeah, everything is okay,” while she's changing in the back. There's a cute scene where the driver catches her shirtless in the rear view and a hilarious line about her character. He thinks he's picked up a hooker.

"Oh dear, who am I driving for? Charlie Sheen?"

Luckily she's resourceful, and uses a piece of gum and a hairpin to fashion the dress into a newer, skimpier one. Where before she looked nice, now she looks “sexy.”

They should be able to have a nice dinner after her harrowing ordeal, but no! The spaghetti blows up! The wine bottle explodes! His dog attacks her! The pipes in the wall burst with all the sexual tension in the room and everyone gets drenched! He tells her to take a shower to wash the tomato sauce out of her soul. He walks in by “accident” to find the phone book, and boom. Magic!

Just when it seems they will be together forever, there's always a crucial point where there is a misunderstanding that seems to have destroyed the amazing two-date foundation they have made. Maybe they go to the theatre, and the main beautiful man says "Here's a handful of money. I would give you my Visa, but I lost it last week scuba diving off the coast of Greece. Why not go grab popcorn and I'll get the tickets?" The main woman walks up to the concessions counter, and the man working behind the counter just happens to be a kid from a day camp where the main woman volunteers. She is an amazing “down-to-earth” person, so they share a laugh about the time she saved the entire camp from being bulldozed to make way for a Nuclear Power Plant/Puppy Killing factory. The main guy sees this and assumes they were flirting.

"This is what you do, huh? I give you at least 200 dollars to buy popcorn, and you try to ride a 17-year-old in public?! Why don't you just blow him?!"

"How could you say that? And you know I wanted to buy Milk Duds."

"Argghrhghgh! This isn't gonna work!"

The main woman has a scene where she talks to her friend at work, who is always a bigger girl with more attitude than all of the comedians on Def Jam. 

"Don't you let him talk to you like that, girl! You be telling him that if he don't appreciate you for you, he won't get to walk into your bakery and order a dozen sex cookies. That's what I'm saying! All right, I was only here to talk like this for a minute and hopefully get a laugh. Gotta go g-friend money girl lady!"

The man sits in his car on the edge of a bluff. He looks down at his hands, and thinks about his entire life. He realizes that after three dates, he has found his wife, and that nothing else in his life matters. He gets out of the car, leaves the door open, and starts to run in the rain. He runs to her job and finds her attitude friend.

"Is Celeste here?"

"Who be axin ‘bout ol’ C-Diddy?"

"... Her future husband."

"We'll see what she got to say ‘bout dat!"

Celeste comes out, and they have a moment. He tells her everything is useless without her, and how sorry he is that he accused her of trying to sleep with a popcorn salesman. He has a three-minute speech about how she is everything he has been searching for. Celeste’s entire office listens. Everyone cries. They kiss. And just then, her ex-husband comes back for her!

"Celeste! I need you back! Who’s this?"

"Her new husband, Charlie! Remember me? College ball?"

"I remember. You could never handle me in one-on-one."

"Let's see about that."

The main character dunks over Celeste’s ex-husband, Charlie. Charlie starts to cry. Kobe comes in and says, "Now that's a dunk!"

Celeste and the main man embrace, and the office cheers. The End. Now we can all go find this fantasy. I hope the bigger girl with attitude I have to deal with doesn't have a gun.

The names for these atrocities are ridiculous also:

"Love Be Nuts"

"Don't Take My Heart On The Train"

"Who’s The Groom?"

"Maid Of Love"

"Who Told Tou?"

"Don't Be That"

"Jesus Christ, I Have Butterflies"

"Did You Order Nachos?"

"Did you order Nachos 2: Hold The Engagement"

"Babbling Brooke” (That one’s about a girl names Brooke who can't stop talking but also lives beside a babbling brook! Just enchanting.)

"Up, Down, Sideways"

"Love Like A Tree"

"Your Mom Said"

"10 Minutes In Tulsa"

"Who Broke My Eggs?"

"Excuse Me, Where Can I Find Love? Aisle 3."

"Cave diving: Sometimes Love Is In Centre Earth"

Or they get right to some point:

"He Just Thinks You’re Fat"

"Maybe If You Could Give A Blowjob"

"She Finds You Creepy And Awkward"

"Look... Leave Me Alone"

"You Still Here?"

"You Were A One-Night Stand. Take Your Toothbrush Out Of My Bathroom"

If the world worked like most of these movies perpetuate, it would be a gross place where beautiful men would drive gorgeous cars and only date fit, well-educated girls whose make-up and hair are always perfect even if they just went through the spin cycle on a dryer, and love to have a good time and laugh... I don't know what I'm fighting for anymore.

Ads that tell me to "Personalize" things. "Find your frappucino". What's your iphone look like?

All right, this really bothers me: ads telling you that everything is "yours" or that you can make it "your own.” It really hurts my chest. You know, things like Cheez Whiz. “What will YOU do with it?" ...Put....it...on...toast? With all this trash, now you can't even talk to someone with the same computer as you.

"Hey, we have the same computer!"
"No we don't. This is the Steve Johnson. I personalized it. God. Yours is blue. Mine has diamonds on it. Get a grip."
"It's the same computer, though."
"No, mine is a Steve Johnson!"

Personal ads for really mundane things. Starbucks has an ad called "Find your Frappucino." Jesus Christ. You find my Frappucino, you work here! That's ridiculous, "Find your Frappucino."

"Can I have a Mocha Frappucino without whipped cream?"
"Um, actually, that's my Frappucino. Found it yesterday. Find your own".

Why does everything have to be YOURS? Where does this stop by companies?

"Come to the movies, and sit in YOUR own theatre. Why be around 300 other dirtbags? Get that extra legroom you've been after. And rewind the movie wherever you want. Why miss something because you HAD to check your iPhone? Empire: YOUR theatre, YOUR rules.”

"Tired of your cell phone provider having other clients to deal with? We hear you. Call us, and we will open a cell phone company specifically for you! Your own CEO, your own call center with operators standing by to take your calls only, where you can name your company whatever you want, and we will make a phone just for you! You’ve always hated the number 9 button? Of course you have! You're you! Be you, with your own cell phone company.”

I also get personally offended when ads talk to us. When they try to tell you how you are to get you to buy their product.

"We know you. You don't think we do? Yeah, we do. You like to walk, right? Watch movies? Sometimes you even like to get freaky? Scary, huh? Told you we know you. That's why we know that with your busy schedule, you need a chocolate bar that can keep up. The Walking-Movie-Watching-Getting-Freaky bar with almonds. The world doesn't understand you, but it does.”

"We know you like to bike, run, hike, be your own person. We've watched you sleep and saw that every night you roll over at exactly 1:30 a.m.  Find the gum that fits your lifestyle. Your Door Wasn’t Locked, the new gum from Hubba Bubba.

"You think for yourself. You don't believe everything you hear. You find out things on your own. You make your own decisions, you don't follow the pack. Why breathe the same air as other people? Breathe your own air with Hardheaded Air Tanks. You walk alone, now breathe alone. When mother nature calls, you tell her, ‘I got this.’”

Every ad is like this now. All of them, talking to us individually.  How did this become such a thing? Why does everyone need their very own everything? I like different colours and add-ons, but Jesus.

"Man, ANYONE with money can buy these watches? You're serious? That's ridiculous! Let me change the face or something. What, you're gonna let OTHER people choose that face?! Fine. Here. What do you mean? It's my own customized money. You think I'm using the same money these losers use? No way man. That's a 15 dollar and 37 cent bill right there. Made outta leaves –– everyone uses paper."

As well, could ads use real words? Don't spell cool "Kuol". The world is not a grade 10 kid's math desk. People fail courses for spelling things like this.
"Chris, you failed this test because you spelled building "bill-ding."
"But that's my ad for a phone in the shape of a duck’s beak. The Bill-Ding phone.”
"Really? I like ducks! How much are they?"

You can personalize all you want –– you will still have what other people have. Macs, phones, cars, all of it. If this ad sounds appealing –– "Sure, you want an iPhone, but you don't want the one everyone else has. Understandable. They're losers. Choose from millions of skins so you aren't a peasant who has the same phone cover as these other simps. You're better than they are. You're you. Right? Of course you are!" –– it might be time to move to an i-sland.

Phones. Mine still works.

People are obsessed and in love with their phones. "No, no. I don't have a kid. This is a stroller to hold my phone. Want to see it? Don't touch it!" I didn't fall into the phone craze. People make fun of my phone all the time:

“A flip phone? God, do you own parachute pants and live in the ’90s?” 


First of all. I would love parachute pants. I would even enjoy a parachute shirt and shoes. Secondly, do you know what phones did in the ’90s? They PHONED! I don’t have a stick with buttons on it. It's not a rock that I have placed a keypad on. I have a phone that calls people. People go on as if things were so bad just a few years ago.  

“Remember how hard 2003 was? God. Dial tones, email only on computers, dragging fresh water uphill, fighting birds for medicines? 2003 was rough!”

We instantly hate old technology. 

“I got the iPhone 4! Not that iPhone 3 trash. That's so last month. Everyone knows phones didn't work last month.”

As if having the iPhone 3 means you live in a trash can, eating rats and begging for change.

“You got any change?”

“Whoa, hope things pick up for him. I bet he has the first iPhone. Sad.”

The actual phone is not better, it just has more junk added to it. The ACTUAL phone option is done. You talk into one end, and someone on another phone, across the world, can hear you. That’s amazing! That’s why when a new phone comes out, they never say, “This phone is clearer than other phones. The phone option on this phone is so much better than on past phones. You can hear so well!”

They can’t say that, so they just add to the phone.

“Hey, get this new phone! This phone is amazing! It has a camera, it has GPS, it has faster Internet, it has games, lightsabers, it even has a cat that you can talk to, and the cat will repeat back what you said! Who doesn't want that!"

The phone option stays the same. 

“Man, can you make this phone clearer?”

“Yeah, sure. Here’s a video game. Have a good day!”

“But the phone is the same.”

“No, you didn’t have that game before. You take penalty kicks. The phone’s way better now!”

People play these games so much too! When I had a Game Boy, I played it when I WASN'T around my TV and actual Nintendo system. When I played it, I thought, “I can’t wait to get home and play on my actual TV. Mario is the size of a Tic Tac!”

Now people play their phone games at home!

“Hey man, want to play some Xbox?”

“What, on a big screen with controllers and comfort? No way man. These birds are pissed! I better straighten this out on this tiny screen."

Why do people even want a game on their phone? I never wished that my Super Nintendo could make a call.

“Mario Kart is pretty sweet, but I can't believe I have to use another device to call my friend. God Mario. Even when I WIN I can't make a call? Just ridiculous."

Why don't people want phones on games? Why not a landline with games? Why not sell landlines that are attached to big pinball machines?

“Yeah, sorry I hung up on you, man. The ball went into the cancel call hole. Win some, lose some. Yo, I just got a long distance ball! Gotta call my mom man. Later”

Watching movies on your phone? Has to be the worst thing people do. ANYONE who watches a movie on their phone is a pretentious cocksucker. It is equivalent to playing polo while being fitted for a jacket with tails and shopping for faberge eggs. Again, why is this something people want?

“I can watch Terminator 2 on this four-inch screen! Look how small Arnold is. Oh no, look out Arnold! Tiny T-1000 is behind you!”

The commercials that show people doing this too are great. "Hi, I'm on a bus, and I'm watching the latest movie on my new Rogers Super power wicked I'm awesome phone!" I always wish the commercial would end with "Hey, buddy. If you have that phone, why are you on this bus? You know what I have? A transfer and a drinking problem. And another thing ...(pukes everywhere).

The phone was supposed to keep people connected, and it does. But it doesn’t connect you to the people around you. It keeps you connected to people who are not in the room! You see people at restaurants, sitting in a booth, not talking to each other, but TEXTING! Because the phone is not used to keep you connected now, it's used to see if where you are is as good as where OTHER people are.

“Yeah, I'm just on  a date right now. What are you up to? Watching Must Love Dogs? Man, I love that movie. I’m on my way!”

[Phone rings.]

“Hi, hello? What’s going on? Something, somewhere?! Please tell me something is happening! Get me out of the boredom that is this U2 concert!"

Phones keep everyone in their own little worlds. Everyone is in their own little bubble. It’s called the iPhone. The iPhone. Not the wePhone. Not the usPhone. Not the love-thy-neighbourPhone –– the “I, this is my world, and my phone, and get the hell out of my way-phone.”

You hear people go on: “My phone is so sweet. I can find restaurants, tell people where I am and check in to that place, find out how the waves are before I hit the beach, and I can take pictures of things while I’m doing them so I can remember what I did earlier. It’s great!”

“Do you even feel anymore? Have any actual thoughts or emotions run through your body?”

“I don’t know... Let me check my phone.”

Junk Food, the way it used to be.

I used to be a huge fan of junk food. Huge! I got addicted to Dill Pickle chips and Lime Coke for a few weeks at one point in my life. A few weeks of Dill and Lime Coke though, and you'll be ready to die. The last time I bought a big bag and a 2L, I CRUSHED them by myself on a Friday, passed out and woke up on Sunday. When I woke up, I decided, "This can't be life.”


When I was eating those Dill Pickle chips, they had a crazy amount of dill pickle flavour. Each chip was a dilly paradise. Now, chips don't have that at all. Almost every bag of chips might as well just say "Regular, with a slight hint maybe on some of these chips of Salt and Vinegar." Chips before had so much flavour on them. So much! Go back in time to ‘95, and try to eat a bag of All Dressed chips by yourself. Try it! Your mouth will blow apart with the burning of all that spice! 


You used to open a bag of chips, and the flavour of them would be ON THE INSIDE OF THE BAG! There was so much flavour in there, the chip had to say, "Listen, I can't carry all of you flavour seasoning. I'm just one chip. I'll put some of you over here on the wall.” Too much seasoning for the chips! That's why people used to lick their fingers after eating a bag! Now? You could eat an entire bag of chips, and your hands would be clean enough to perform a surgery. "Did you wash your hands?" "Yeah, I just had a bag of Roast Chicken chips. Just like eating edible clothes really."


And now there are almost no chips in the bag! None! A big bag of chips may be half full of chips. Half! Buy anything else, the package is just big enough for the product. Playstation? Box just big enough. Headphones? Package just big enough. Chips? Jesus. What are they trying to do? "Buy these chips because we left enough room in the bag to pack your clothes!" The amount of chips in a "big bag" of chips now could pretty much fit in a sandwich baggie. 


Also, name your own chips Doritos. Don't put out two bags that are labeled 'A' and 'B', get us to eat them, and tell you what they should be called. And putting them in a white bag with black lettering? Are you serious? If we wanted No Name chips, we'd buy them, for much cheaper. I know it's a contest, but still. When you label a bag of chips the way a beaker would be labelled if it contained some sort of zombie formula, expect people like me to get upset by it.


Now, even chocolate bars are falling down. I had a Skor bar the other day, and it was less wide than they've ever been. Go check it out! Pick it up, and you'll say, "Man, they did used to be wider!" If things keep going like this, one day you'll get a Skor bar and open it up, and they'll be no Skor bar inside. Just a not that says "Sorry, try again sir." They will shrink it to nothing!


Yep, this has been about junk food. There are bigger issues for sure, but it starts at the bottom. First your food, then your house, then we are all living on the street but still paying rent for it.

Tabloids, and the magazine racks in line....Jesus Christ.

I don't throw this term around much, I don't walk around saying that it needs to happen to everything that I don't like. But I will use it here. 'Fire bomb'. Tabloids need to be firebombed. No ifs. No "But they entertain me". Nope. Won't hear it. Firebombed. All of them. They are one of the worst things on the planet.

When I'm in line at a drug store, or grocery store, I get so mad at the tabloid magazine rack that they all have. ALL OF THEM. I get so mad seeing them, but it's either look at them, look at chocolate bars, or look at the girl behind the cash who is pissed to be there. "Hi, how are you?" "Do you have an Optimum card!?" "Do you have fun?"
I don't understand why they put them there. So that you can go "Oh look, they're gonna pay Johnny Depp 65 million for his next movie. Sweet! I'm really happy for him. Geez, I hope I have enough money for these no name crackers and rice".

 If the Tabloids were things like "This person is in this movie. This person has a new song out". That would make sense. But that's not what it is. "Courtney Cox seen eating a cheeseburger. Will she get in shape before her kids get home?" "Denzel Washington lost his keys. Is he experiencing dementia?" "Daniel Craig's shoe was untied. Will this affect his box office appeal?" THESE ARE NOT HEADLINES! "Denzel Washington goes 'Training Day' on a waitress". That's a headline! "Courtney Cox throws man in front of a bus full of ESL students". That's a headline! "Rhianna seen holding a dress. Will she buy it?" Not a headline!

The fashion parts kill me. People judging what others are wearing. And the people who write these parts, dress the worst out of anyone on the planet! Full silver suits, purple hair, green rope wrapped around their neck for no reason. "Did you see George Clooneys shoes? Clashed with his socks" What! You look radioactive! Why should people take you seriously? Also, why on this planet do people who wear ridiculous things have an authority? "You can't wear that shirt!" "Better listen to him man. He's wearing a garden hose and a mesh tank. He obviously knows what he's talking about."

And people get REALLY judgmental about these things. I over heard girls talking about a tabloid they had seen. "Did you see what Jennifer Aniston was wearing? I wouldn't be caught dead in that dress." Oh, what a coincidence! Because I don't think Jennifer Aniston would be caught dead in a McDonalds uniform. Calm down.

People say "Well, no one likes them Nathan. Everybody hates them". Not true at all. A lot of people love these stupid things. That's why they are still around. Companies don't keep putting out things that don't make money. That's why 'Seinfeld' lasted 9 years, and Friends spin off 'Joey' lasted 1.

The people who make a LIVING off of tabloids are gross as well. A LIVING! They have done nothing notable in their lives, have no talents, but they are able to come down on others for their life choices? You've done nothing! How are you an authority? I could read tabloids if they were written by other talented people. If tabloids were written by Jim Carrey, I could read. "Hey, this movie sucks and is not funny. What gives me the authority? How about a little movie called Dumb and Dumber? Or my work in Man on the Moon? Or the fact that I'm pure magic? Pick it up guys. This movie was terrible."

And the rack also has some other great reads on it. For one, Cosmo. The cover of this really makes me want to punch. The top left corner of every issue is something like "100 new ways to please your man." "200 new ways to please your man." "450 brand new ways to please your man". How! How Cosmo? How can there be new ways every week? The mans business does not change. Up, down, tickle a ball, done. That's it. What could possibly be in there? "Way 451, bring a toaster to bed. Way 452, if you're boyfriend hasn't left the bed yet, gently place his balls in said toaster, and lightly toast."

From now on I'm just gonna close my eyes until I'm out of the line. I won't learn how to pleasure a man with my thoughts, or find out that "Britney looked terrible on the beach today", but I won't want to smash whatever is in my hands either.