Phones. Mine still works.

People are obsessed and in love with their phones. "No, no. I don't have a kid. This is a stroller to hold my phone. Want to see it? Don't touch it!" I didn't fall into the phone craze. People make fun of my phone all the time:

“A flip phone? God, do you own parachute pants and live in the ’90s?” 


First of all. I would love parachute pants. I would even enjoy a parachute shirt and shoes. Secondly, do you know what phones did in the ’90s? They PHONED! I don’t have a stick with buttons on it. It's not a rock that I have placed a keypad on. I have a phone that calls people. People go on as if things were so bad just a few years ago.  

“Remember how hard 2003 was? God. Dial tones, email only on computers, dragging fresh water uphill, fighting birds for medicines? 2003 was rough!”

We instantly hate old technology. 

“I got the iPhone 4! Not that iPhone 3 trash. That's so last month. Everyone knows phones didn't work last month.”

As if having the iPhone 3 means you live in a trash can, eating rats and begging for change.

“You got any change?”

“Whoa, hope things pick up for him. I bet he has the first iPhone. Sad.”

The actual phone is not better, it just has more junk added to it. The ACTUAL phone option is done. You talk into one end, and someone on another phone, across the world, can hear you. That’s amazing! That’s why when a new phone comes out, they never say, “This phone is clearer than other phones. The phone option on this phone is so much better than on past phones. You can hear so well!”

They can’t say that, so they just add to the phone.

“Hey, get this new phone! This phone is amazing! It has a camera, it has GPS, it has faster Internet, it has games, lightsabers, it even has a cat that you can talk to, and the cat will repeat back what you said! Who doesn't want that!"

The phone option stays the same. 

“Man, can you make this phone clearer?”

“Yeah, sure. Here’s a video game. Have a good day!”

“But the phone is the same.”

“No, you didn’t have that game before. You take penalty kicks. The phone’s way better now!”

People play these games so much too! When I had a Game Boy, I played it when I WASN'T around my TV and actual Nintendo system. When I played it, I thought, “I can’t wait to get home and play on my actual TV. Mario is the size of a Tic Tac!”

Now people play their phone games at home!

“Hey man, want to play some Xbox?”

“What, on a big screen with controllers and comfort? No way man. These birds are pissed! I better straighten this out on this tiny screen."

Why do people even want a game on their phone? I never wished that my Super Nintendo could make a call.

“Mario Kart is pretty sweet, but I can't believe I have to use another device to call my friend. God Mario. Even when I WIN I can't make a call? Just ridiculous."

Why don't people want phones on games? Why not a landline with games? Why not sell landlines that are attached to big pinball machines?

“Yeah, sorry I hung up on you, man. The ball went into the cancel call hole. Win some, lose some. Yo, I just got a long distance ball! Gotta call my mom man. Later”

Watching movies on your phone? Has to be the worst thing people do. ANYONE who watches a movie on their phone is a pretentious cocksucker. It is equivalent to playing polo while being fitted for a jacket with tails and shopping for faberge eggs. Again, why is this something people want?

“I can watch Terminator 2 on this four-inch screen! Look how small Arnold is. Oh no, look out Arnold! Tiny T-1000 is behind you!”

The commercials that show people doing this too are great. "Hi, I'm on a bus, and I'm watching the latest movie on my new Rogers Super power wicked I'm awesome phone!" I always wish the commercial would end with "Hey, buddy. If you have that phone, why are you on this bus? You know what I have? A transfer and a drinking problem. And another thing ...(pukes everywhere).

The phone was supposed to keep people connected, and it does. But it doesn’t connect you to the people around you. It keeps you connected to people who are not in the room! You see people at restaurants, sitting in a booth, not talking to each other, but TEXTING! Because the phone is not used to keep you connected now, it's used to see if where you are is as good as where OTHER people are.

“Yeah, I'm just on  a date right now. What are you up to? Watching Must Love Dogs? Man, I love that movie. I’m on my way!”

[Phone rings.]

“Hi, hello? What’s going on? Something, somewhere?! Please tell me something is happening! Get me out of the boredom that is this U2 concert!"

Phones keep everyone in their own little worlds. Everyone is in their own little bubble. It’s called the iPhone. The iPhone. Not the wePhone. Not the usPhone. Not the love-thy-neighbourPhone –– the “I, this is my world, and my phone, and get the hell out of my way-phone.”

You hear people go on: “My phone is so sweet. I can find restaurants, tell people where I am and check in to that place, find out how the waves are before I hit the beach, and I can take pictures of things while I’m doing them so I can remember what I did earlier. It’s great!”

“Do you even feel anymore? Have any actual thoughts or emotions run through your body?”

“I don’t know... Let me check my phone.”

Junk Food, the way it used to be.

I used to be a huge fan of junk food. Huge! I got addicted to Dill Pickle chips and Lime Coke for a few weeks at one point in my life. A few weeks of Dill and Lime Coke though, and you'll be ready to die. The last time I bought a big bag and a 2L, I CRUSHED them by myself on a Friday, passed out and woke up on Sunday. When I woke up, I decided, "This can't be life.”


When I was eating those Dill Pickle chips, they had a crazy amount of dill pickle flavour. Each chip was a dilly paradise. Now, chips don't have that at all. Almost every bag of chips might as well just say "Regular, with a slight hint maybe on some of these chips of Salt and Vinegar." Chips before had so much flavour on them. So much! Go back in time to ‘95, and try to eat a bag of All Dressed chips by yourself. Try it! Your mouth will blow apart with the burning of all that spice! 


You used to open a bag of chips, and the flavour of them would be ON THE INSIDE OF THE BAG! There was so much flavour in there, the chip had to say, "Listen, I can't carry all of you flavour seasoning. I'm just one chip. I'll put some of you over here on the wall.” Too much seasoning for the chips! That's why people used to lick their fingers after eating a bag! Now? You could eat an entire bag of chips, and your hands would be clean enough to perform a surgery. "Did you wash your hands?" "Yeah, I just had a bag of Roast Chicken chips. Just like eating edible clothes really."


And now there are almost no chips in the bag! None! A big bag of chips may be half full of chips. Half! Buy anything else, the package is just big enough for the product. Playstation? Box just big enough. Headphones? Package just big enough. Chips? Jesus. What are they trying to do? "Buy these chips because we left enough room in the bag to pack your clothes!" The amount of chips in a "big bag" of chips now could pretty much fit in a sandwich baggie. 


Also, name your own chips Doritos. Don't put out two bags that are labeled 'A' and 'B', get us to eat them, and tell you what they should be called. And putting them in a white bag with black lettering? Are you serious? If we wanted No Name chips, we'd buy them, for much cheaper. I know it's a contest, but still. When you label a bag of chips the way a beaker would be labelled if it contained some sort of zombie formula, expect people like me to get upset by it.


Now, even chocolate bars are falling down. I had a Skor bar the other day, and it was less wide than they've ever been. Go check it out! Pick it up, and you'll say, "Man, they did used to be wider!" If things keep going like this, one day you'll get a Skor bar and open it up, and they'll be no Skor bar inside. Just a not that says "Sorry, try again sir." They will shrink it to nothing!


Yep, this has been about junk food. There are bigger issues for sure, but it starts at the bottom. First your food, then your house, then we are all living on the street but still paying rent for it.

Tabloids, and the magazine racks in line....Jesus Christ.

I don't throw this term around much, I don't walk around saying that it needs to happen to everything that I don't like. But I will use it here. 'Fire bomb'. Tabloids need to be firebombed. No ifs. No "But they entertain me". Nope. Won't hear it. Firebombed. All of them. They are one of the worst things on the planet.

When I'm in line at a drug store, or grocery store, I get so mad at the tabloid magazine rack that they all have. ALL OF THEM. I get so mad seeing them, but it's either look at them, look at chocolate bars, or look at the girl behind the cash who is pissed to be there. "Hi, how are you?" "Do you have an Optimum card!?" "Do you have fun?"
I don't understand why they put them there. So that you can go "Oh look, they're gonna pay Johnny Depp 65 million for his next movie. Sweet! I'm really happy for him. Geez, I hope I have enough money for these no name crackers and rice".

 If the Tabloids were things like "This person is in this movie. This person has a new song out". That would make sense. But that's not what it is. "Courtney Cox seen eating a cheeseburger. Will she get in shape before her kids get home?" "Denzel Washington lost his keys. Is he experiencing dementia?" "Daniel Craig's shoe was untied. Will this affect his box office appeal?" THESE ARE NOT HEADLINES! "Denzel Washington goes 'Training Day' on a waitress". That's a headline! "Courtney Cox throws man in front of a bus full of ESL students". That's a headline! "Rhianna seen holding a dress. Will she buy it?" Not a headline!

The fashion parts kill me. People judging what others are wearing. And the people who write these parts, dress the worst out of anyone on the planet! Full silver suits, purple hair, green rope wrapped around their neck for no reason. "Did you see George Clooneys shoes? Clashed with his socks" What! You look radioactive! Why should people take you seriously? Also, why on this planet do people who wear ridiculous things have an authority? "You can't wear that shirt!" "Better listen to him man. He's wearing a garden hose and a mesh tank. He obviously knows what he's talking about."

And people get REALLY judgmental about these things. I over heard girls talking about a tabloid they had seen. "Did you see what Jennifer Aniston was wearing? I wouldn't be caught dead in that dress." Oh, what a coincidence! Because I don't think Jennifer Aniston would be caught dead in a McDonalds uniform. Calm down.

People say "Well, no one likes them Nathan. Everybody hates them". Not true at all. A lot of people love these stupid things. That's why they are still around. Companies don't keep putting out things that don't make money. That's why 'Seinfeld' lasted 9 years, and Friends spin off 'Joey' lasted 1.

The people who make a LIVING off of tabloids are gross as well. A LIVING! They have done nothing notable in their lives, have no talents, but they are able to come down on others for their life choices? You've done nothing! How are you an authority? I could read tabloids if they were written by other talented people. If tabloids were written by Jim Carrey, I could read. "Hey, this movie sucks and is not funny. What gives me the authority? How about a little movie called Dumb and Dumber? Or my work in Man on the Moon? Or the fact that I'm pure magic? Pick it up guys. This movie was terrible."

And the rack also has some other great reads on it. For one, Cosmo. The cover of this really makes me want to punch. The top left corner of every issue is something like "100 new ways to please your man." "200 new ways to please your man." "450 brand new ways to please your man". How! How Cosmo? How can there be new ways every week? The mans business does not change. Up, down, tickle a ball, done. That's it. What could possibly be in there? "Way 451, bring a toaster to bed. Way 452, if you're boyfriend hasn't left the bed yet, gently place his balls in said toaster, and lightly toast."

From now on I'm just gonna close my eyes until I'm out of the line. I won't learn how to pleasure a man with my thoughts, or find out that "Britney looked terrible on the beach today", but I won't want to smash whatever is in my hands either.

Movie Stores and NetFlix...Canada

Movie Stores

Going to movie stores used to be sweet. Even saying 'movie stores' sounds old as hell. Am I 108? To anybody under 11, yes. I am. People under 11 think 17 is old. I used to. "You're 17? Wow. What was WW2 like?"

Now, I know people will say "Why rent stuff anymore? Why not just download it? Or Stream it?" The answer to this is, sometimes I like to leave my house and talk to actual, human people.

Movie Stores like Rogers used to have movies in them. Actual movies. Movies that you had heard of. I went to a Rogers recently to rent the movie "Desperate Measures", starring Michael Keaton and sir Andy Garcia. Andy has not been officially knighted, but for this movie, he's on my list.

Either way, I couldn't find it on the shelf, so I asked the woman working there. "Excuse me, do you have Desperate Measures starring Sir Andy Garcia and Michael Keaton?" "I didn't know he was knighted", "The Queens back up right now, but he'll get there. Do you guys have it?". Long pause, then...."No, I'm sorry, we don't have it." I was shocked! "You don't have it? Why not?" "Maybe it's too old for us to carry." "Are you serious? Too old? It came out in 1998! How long ago do you think that was? In Rogers mind was there no running water then? " Let's all give thanks everyone, thanks that we lived through the horrible year that was 1998. A year full of fire, death, dragons, dial up, dastardly kings, and polio. Let us never speak of this retched time again."

What's crazy, is that they don't have a movie that was shown in theatres, but they have movies that didn't even PASS a theatre to get to this store. Movies that were brought in in a dark van with tinted windows,  that were only driven down side streets so as to avoid the eggs people would throw. They have a movie starring Kimbo Slice. Kimbo! A Kimbo Slice movie! Over a movie starring actors who have at least taken classes, not just fought in alleys?! This seems crazy. Has anyone ever been watching a movie, and thought "Man, this actor is okay, but how would a man who became famous by fighting as if he was a angry high school student deliver these lines?"

Look at their racks of movies. Movies you have never even heard of. It looks like they took one of those movie bins from Wal-Mart, and put it on their walls. These are movies that don't even have previews! No word of mouth, nobody you know has seen it. You can't pick it up and go "Oh, I heard of this. Steve has seen it. He said it was alright". It's "Wow, what the hell is this? Jesus. Well, I guess I'll just take a chance on 'Jurassic Park 5- Dinosaur School' starring a person who lost on Dancing with the Stars. Hope it's good."

There's only about 10 movies in there that you have heard of. Then, aisles of things like 'Snakes on a Train', 'Anaconda 3' starring David Hasselhoff (I know that sounds like a joke, but it's an actual movie!) and a bunch of movies starring 50 Cent. Nice. These places need to close if this is what they are doing. But, then comes the reason some are shutting down. NetFlix. Ye ol Netflix. Watch whatever you want to watch. Kind of....

NETFLIX


Netflix came to Canada a few months ago, and it seemed as though it was gonna be great. There weren't a ton of movies at the time, but there were promises that a lot more were coming. They did have Predator 2, and that, I'm sure, held everyone over.

Best thing was, documentaries. There were a ton of great documentaries on Netflix, and with the menus, you could some across ones you hadn't heard of, check the description, and give it a try. And the docs were broken up into different categories! Social, Crime, Nature, Political, you click on one of those, and you were looking at about 20 documentaries on the subject.

And then, for gods knows why, without warning, they changed those menus! Got rid of them! Now, they just have 'Documentaries' category. That's it. And instead of allowing you to look at all the docs they have, they only show about 70. Beyond that, you better know the name of the doc you want to search, or you're going to be guessing all night as to what a good one could be called.  Before you could come across docs that you wouldn't have known about, as I did with a great doc about Harlan Ellison called "Dreams with Sharp Teeth". Why take that away from people? It's the same as if you walked into a movie store, and they have most of their docs hidden under a blanket. "Can I see what's under there?" "Can you guess one of the names of the movies?" "Ummm, no." Then step the hell away sir. Step the hell away".

There menus now are terrible. For example, what is the difference between 'Tv', and 'Television'? Is there one? NetFlix seems to think there is. Maybe Tv is for young, hip people who text, and television is for people who remember that 'Cheers' was a show and not just something young, hip people who text end all of their sentences with. "I'm gonna watch some Tv"." Oh, do you mean television? I remember when television used to be black and white." "Whatever grandma. See you later. Cheers". "What channel?!"

What could have possibly been their reason for changing the menus? "Hey, we've made these menus great! You can find and see everything!" "Woa, woa. Tone it down bud. We're only charging 8 bucks a month." "8 bucks?! Jesus. For this? People who pay that little don't deserve this. 8 bucks. Wow, you should have told me sooner. You know there were some people who paid 8 bucks and got something good?"

And woa! All those movies that were promised before showed up. But did you want to watch something that is alright on NetFlix? What? You did! Well, you are out of luck sir! How about "The 40 year Old Virgin who Knocked Up Sarah Marshall and felt Super Bad about it"? Watch it! NetFlix says watch it! Or, how about "The Gay Bed and Breakfast". It's there. Get it! Or, hold on! You've been wanting to watch all of the Leprechaun movies back to back right? All 6? From the first one with Jennifer Aniston, all the way to 'Back to the Hood'? Man, you're lucky. NetFlix has them! Two of those movies are rated 0. Absolute 0! And they have two movies about the hood. Two! One franchise! ! Imagine if Rocky had gone back to Russia? "Rocky Five -Drago gets it again" I'm sure some Frat house will film it soon, and NetFlix will be the first people to jump on it.

Or hey, maybe you wanted to watch 'Dirty Work'. Norm McDonald, Artie Lang. Good choice. Type it into the menu, and lo and behold, it's there! Then you go to watch it, and find out it's one of those terrible B movies, called 'Dirtier Work'. Menu says they have Dirty Work. Menu is wrong. But that's what you wanted right? To watch a movie that ALMOST has the same name as a movie you know? No! Of course not! If you wanted to see Dirtier work, or any number of the American Pies after 2, they would have been in a theatre.

All the movies on NetFlix should be broken up into two categories. "Movies that you like, or have at least heard of" and "Movies that are ironically funny in title alone, and you'll be a hero for just a minute when you say to a friend "Look at this horrible piece of trash!", then instantly a loser when they try to watch it and everyone realizes that you , and this movie, are not funny, or witty, just terrible, and everyone wants you out of their house."

Maybe I should just download or stream movies the way most do. I would save 8 bucks a month, and I wouldn't have to try to explain to something that we also had medicine in 98.

Video games. Are we serious?

When I was a kid, all I did was play video games. That was it. I missed a lot of grade 6 playing Turok Dinosaur Hunter. I mean a lot. I don't know much about fractions, but I can tell you the big cheat from Turok. NTHGTHDGDCRTDTRK. I did not look that up, and I can even tell you what it means. Fractions? Did they ever involve shooting dinosaurs? Then I can't help you. Now I don't play games too much, and I think I've figured out why.

What I remember about games is how hard they were. They were so challenging. Have you ever played Battletoads for Nintendo? That game was beyond hard. I was 6 when I played that. 6! Do you think the developers of that game cared how old you were? "Hey, maybe we should take it easy on these kids." "Is life gonna take it easy on them? Hell no! Is rent gonna be able to be paid by setting life to 'easy'? Screw these kids!". That game was impossible! It was a life lesson to a 6 year old. Things in life don't come easy. And if you ever become a big Toad, you'll look pretty sweet with sunglasses.

Now? Games are the easiest things in the world. Every game starts with a tutorial. Tutorial! Of how to play the game! Hey,developers, eat it. I've been playing games for years! Don't tell me how to play the game. Don't go over all the buttons with me and what they do. I know what button not to press if I want to attack, select. That button has never done anything. I used to turn on games and figure out the controls myself. You know why? There are only so many buttons on the controller, that's why. "Hey, this guy is shooting me. Does this button shoot back? Nope, now I'm dead. But when I come back, I will know not to push that button to shoot again." Trial and Error. Great philosophy, and alright movie.

The god damn games even tell you when and how to do certain things! Jesus Christ. A guy will attack you, the game will go into slo motion, and say "Push R1 to attack". You push R1, and it's a CUT SCENE of you killing the enemy. What! You didn't even beat him! That never happened before. Megaman didn't help you beat it.  Skipping school and drinking Pepsi Blue did.

And when something is "hidden" now, they make it so easy to find. "Find the switch that will lower the bridge". The screen will get darker, the switch will light up, and say "Hey, I'm a switch. Over here! I'm what you need! Hit me!" Old games it would take YEARS to find switches. In some games I don't even think they added the switch. Not at all. Didn't care at all. "Look man, if we don't add the switch, we don't have to figure out an ending for this game. It stops here".

And stop with the tutorials! To start a game, throw people in the shit, and let them figure it out. If you can't, then don't play games. People now would be shocked to play games from the past. Were people really crying that games were too hard? Why not just get the developers to give you a pre beat game? Better yet, why not have a real man come over and beat it for you? Why even buy the game?  I bet games soon will be pre beat. You turn it on, and it says "Congratulations! You win!" Then credits. And people will go, "Man, that was tough. I really didn't think I was gonna get through that one cut scene."

The Nintendo and super Nintendo did not care about your feelings. Not at all. You ever play Contra? Megaman One? Super Ghouls and Ghosts? Maximum Carnage?  I swear these games were made by Jeffery Dahmer. "Listen Dahmer, do you think could put your horrible, none caring, none feeling mind into a 16 bit format?"  Now every game gives you a pat on the back before anything happens. "Hey, thanks for picking up this game beautiful person. Now, we'll walk you through the first 2 levels, then you take over for 10 minutes until another cut scene that will last half an hour. You're special!"

And remember when you had to find heath packs? You take a few missiles in the face, and then you better dodge those bats. Did you get a password yet? Have you saved? Then you better get to that health pack or you're gonna be screaming into your toaster strudel. Now, get shot a bit, then go stand alone in a corner, and your health comes back! COMES BACK! You can't die!

And it wouldn't even matter if you did anyway, because every step you take, you can see the at the bottom of the screen 'saving'. Not before. You couldn't get to a save point, you just lost all your weapons, and gold. Now games go "Oh no! You just did something! Don't worry, I'll save for you."

The new Mega Man 9 that was put out was hard. I was so happy. "A game that will make me want to break a controller? I'm back!" It got beaten, but a lot of swearing was done. Then Mega Man 10 came out, and was it as hard? Of course not! And I'm sure it was because someone cried "But Mega Man 9 was really tough guys. Do you think you could tone it down for 10? I mean, what's the point of playing if it may get the best of me? This is why to avoid rejection, I go for prostitutes right away, and why I only play basketball with 8 year olds. I refuse to lose!"

I played a boxing game on Super Nintendo, going through career mode, and I lost a fight. The game said "Lose one more fight and it's game over". I figured, "they must mean in a row". I won my next 6 fights on the way to the top, so I figured I was in the clear. Then Sugar Ray Leonard wanted a rematch. I said "Sugar Ray, didn't you get enough ass whooping the first time?" When I play Super Nintendo, I also revert back to the childish goading I did when I was 11.  But this was a refined Sugar Ray, and he eroded my defense with his sweet science. And what happened? Game Over! Are we serious? You lose two fights and your CAREER is over? Wow. If that was real life, the only boxer who would still be around is Floyd Mayweather. That's it! And he would just be fighting himself. Even Muhammad Ali would be going "Man, I wish they'd ease up on those rules a bit. That's some cold ass shit."

No wonder people now are becoming dumber. You actually had to think to get through games in the past. Studies were done saying that if you played them while sick, they actually helped you. Now, playing some of these games would make you sick. "I've been playing the new Castlevania for a bit, and I think it gave me cancer. Hopefully the doctor can take it out of me as easily as this game was to get through."

Are video games made now by the same people who say that you can't fail kids in school? "They can't die in a video game. That's terrible! They'll grow up to think that things won't always go their way!" Fine. We're all winners. No way to lose a game. None.

Slamming your head against a wall trying to beat a video game helped you grow up. The water temple in Ocarina of Time alone put hair on your nuts. True fact. Look at them. I bet it's shaped like the Tri-Force.