Blowing your nose in public. No.

There are many things that are frowned upon to do in public. Scratching your business. Spitting. Reading People Magazine.

"Oh… my... God... Is that woman looking at a Best and Worst Dressed List? Ugh. I think I'm gonna throw up."

Honestly, I cannot understand why blowing your nose is not one of those things. Since I was a kid, it has been something that has always rubbed me the wrong way. I don't think it was a traumatic experience, but it could have been.

"Happy tenth birthday, Nathan! Blow out your candles!"

<Nose blowing>

"Uncle Jim!?"

"Ah, God. Sorry, Nathan. You'll be happy to know that I wished for this cold to go away. I blew out all ten, so I hope it comes true."

I have never liked it, though, and I can't understand why we let it happen out there.

Seriously, how did blowing your nose get above cleaning your ears as something you're allowed to do in public? How? If you see someone with a Q-tip in their ear on a bus, you think they're disgusting.

"Wow. You couldn't do that at home, you piece of garbage? I bet you harass women. Yeah, keep cleaning your ears as if you can't hear me say this all in my head while I stare at you and pretend to read this paper. KEEP CLEANING!"

When people clean their ears, would you even know that it was happening if you weren't staring at them? Cleaning your ears doesn't make any noise. For sure not a noise that is used for comedic effect in movies like 'Must Love Dogs'.

"So, Susan, where did you say you went to school?"

(<Nose blowing>)

"Huh. Never heard of it. Is that an elephant sanctuary?"

"No... agh... I went to (<nose blowing>)"

"Huh? That's a weird school chant. Must be hard to yell during games. I went to Alabama. Roll damn tide!"

Another thing you can't do in public? Floss or brush your teeth. If you see someone flossing their teeth in public, you assume that they just got a divorce.

"Man. Poor guy. Do you think he got to keep the house?"

"He's picking his teeth with a newspaper he found on the seat beside him. Safe to say, probably not."

"Do you think his kids hate him?"

"He's picking his teeth with the business section. He hates him."

You can't brush your teeth in public. We would look at someone crazier for doing that in public than blowing his or her nose. Does that make sense?

"Is that guy cleaning his mouth? Wow. If that's not Alec Baldwin, that guy is a piece of trash. Did this guy at the table beside me just blow some of his brain onto a Chipotle receipt? Bless him. Bless him and his nose blowing ways. Hey, tooth-brusher! Take that to an alley, you animal! My kids are here, for God's sake!"

We don't like people cutting their nails in public. Why? Is it because it's gross that a piece of their body could fly all over the place? Yeah? That's the same as blowing your nose! Oh, wait. People blow their nose into a gross piece of tissue paper that they keep in their pocket. That's what makes it okay, right? What if someone cut his or her nails in public under a napkin? Would it be okay then?

"Ummm, why are you taking your shoes off?"

"Man, one of these nails is driving me crazy! Don't worry. I'm gonna clip into this Applebee's serviette. I mean, I'm not a maniac or anything! (<Clip>) Aren't you going to say 'bless you'? I can't believe how some people can be so rude. Enjoy the rest of your day, non-bless-you person... Can you pass me that shoe?"

If you are going to do it, it should never happen beside strangers on crowded public transportation. Beside people you don't know? There's too much that can go wrong.

"Well, I'm really jammed in here. There's a person directly beside me and this guy is almost on my lap. As good a time as any to clear my nasal passages."

<Nose blowing>

"Sorry about that. I had no idea that the tissue would rip and spray all over your work pants."

"Don't worry about it, man. Since we as a society deemed blowing your nose in public okay, I'm sure it doesn't carry any bacteria. Feel better soon, and if you want, next time? Just blow your nose right on my pants."

"Thank you, kind sir."

"Oh, please. Thank you for giving me the ability to say 'bless you'. I'm now a mini hero."

What the hell is wrong with you? Are you a member of the mob? A Lohan? Why is this something you feel is okay? You would think it was only done by diplomats.

"Hello, sir. Welcome to America. Park anywhere you would like to."

"Thank you. I was also told by your president that I can shoot mucus from my face in public if I so choose."

"Oh yeah? I'm allowed to do that. Am I a diplomat?"

"Can you kill anyone you want and get away with it?"

"...No. No I can't."

"Bless you."

I've only heard one argument as to why people should blow their nose in public.

"I'd rather someone blow their nose than have to see snot on their face."

Why the hell are you hanging out with people who have no idea what is happening with their face?

"You know, I just don't think people take me seriously?"

"Yeah... about that. Look, I didn't want to say anything, but you've had a thin film of mucus on your face for the last fifteen years. I'm cool with it, but others? I mean, you know."

"I have?" (<Touches face for the first time in fifteen years>) 

"I have! Oh, man. I had no idea. I've gone on dates! I've been to funerals! People must have thought I'm insane!"

"Or just a homeless person who has lost their mind due to not having everyday conversations. Either way, now you know."

Who do you know like this? Are you having really deep conversations with children?

"I just don't know if I can take out a second mortgage, you know? There's got to be a better way."

"Give me blocks! I want juice! Where are my pants?!"

"Exactly. Who's going to give ME blocks? At least I know where my pants are."

Twitter @nathanmacintosh

"Is he sensitive?" "Isn't everyone?"

These days, people have become very sensitive. We all have to hear about when people are offended, and we all have to watch what we say so as not to make others feel bad. You can barely disagree with people without getting into a debate about feelings. You almost have to like things infront of people so that they don't feel bad.

"I really liked that movie. I thought it was well written and directed."

"I really didn't like it. Just wasn't very good."

"What? But I liked it. Are you trying to say that I'm dumb because you didn't like something that I liked?"

"Umm, no. Just for me, I didn't really like it."

"But I said I... did. By societal standards, you have to say that you liked it in the presence of me, so that I don't feel as if I like something that shouldn't be liked. Do you understand?"

People have become so sensitive that a lot of times, if someone questions something they say, they'll change their opinion. Change their thoughts right there, just so as not to offend the other person's beliefs.

"Can I have a muffin?"

"A muffin?"

"Well, actually, you're right. A bagel."

"So a bagel?"

"Look, I'm sorry. I didn't mean to offend you. I'll have whatever morning pastry you have that you will not repeat."

"What? You want a treat?"

"I'm leaving."

There was a point in time when you could call someone out for being wrong. Now you're not supposed to say anything because you'll hurt someone's feelings. So instead of disagreeing, you're supposed to pretend it wasn't said, then talk about it later.

"You know, dolphins live in the Amazon rainforest."

"...Huh. I didn't know that. Okay, well, I have to go."

"Can you believe that complete idiot thinks dolphins live on land?"

"Look, let's just get home, okay? I can't even comprehend what was just said."

Now, for some reason, if you disagree and you call someone out publicly for what they say, you're the jerk.

"I really liked the game Twisted Metal. I loved using Sonic the Hedgehog."

"Sonic wasn't in Twisted Metal. You must be thinking of Sonic All-Stars Racing."

<GASPS>

"John, there's no reason to be rude. If he says he used Sonic in Twisted Metal, then he did."

"What? I'm not trying to be rude. You just can't use that character in that ga..."

"I... can't... I just have to... goodbye, guys. Enjoy the... rest of your.... ahhhhh!"

"See what you did, John? You made him cry. You called him a liar and made him cry!"

"Let me go talk to him."

"Why? So you can tell him that he's not crying because of you, and he must be thinking about something else? You've done enough!"

Another thing that happens because of this sensitivity – celebrities will say something, voice their opinions, sensitive people freak out and less than TEN MINUTES later, said celebrity is apologizing. Happens time and time again. Lead singer of Green Day freaked out on stage because he thought he was being lit early, broke his guitar and pretty much apologized as he was coming off because others were upset by it.

"Hey! We don't think you breaking your guitar was right!"

"...You're right. I apologize. I'm currently still breaking my guitar, but I apologize. I will finish destroying this thing, and my God, I'm sorry about that."

Stevie Nicks said that she thinks Nicki Minaj should strangle Mariah Carey. People got upset, she apologized. Who the hell cares what Stevie Nicks says? Who cares if Nicki chokes Mariah? Why the hell does any of this matter? It matters because people are crazy sensitive and actual thoughts cannot be stated.

"She should be punched in the face!"

"That is offensive to me, the faceless masses!"

"Oh, well, you're right. I take it back. Thirty seconds ago I was really going through something. Now, though? I'm fine. Thank you, and I DEEPLY regret my words."

It seems sometimes that people go out of their way to be offended. People leave their houses, trying to find something to be upset about. 

"Hmmm. A poster about cat food. Off the top, I'm not at all upset about this, but I'm sure if I scrutinize it, I can find something. 'Feed Your Kitty Something Pretty'. Hmmm. Nothing there. The cat is standing, staring at me. That seems to be oka... wait! Cats don't stand, they lay down! This gives an unrealistic view of what cats do. What if someone has never had a cat, sees this and thinks that all they do is play all day? No! This cannot stand! I'm upset!"

People are so sensitive now; they'll get offended on behalf of someone else, even when the thoughts are justified.

"My roommate was masturbating with his door open! That's insane! I have to kick him out."

"Kick him out? Come on, man. Isn't that a little harsh? Maybe he's going through some stuff."

"Going through some stuff? Well add 'Roommate Wanted Lists' to what he's going through. He's out!"

"I just think public masturbation is a cry for help."

"...Didn't you say yesterday that you hated this guy and that you wished he fell into a tire fire?"

"Yeah, and I do. But kicked out? That's too far."

You can't say really anything without offending someone. Nothing. But people still try to have opinions, while also trying to appease everyone.

"Look, I'm just saying that show is complete trash. No disrespect to the writers, actors, director, lighting guys, production team or the network that plays it, but it's HORRIBLE. I mean, I think all of these people are probably talented, but they deserve to die. No offence, but man, just terrible. My thoughts are with their families."

How the hell can you do that? How can you have a negative opinion about a group but then say, "No disrespect." When did that change anyway? There was a time when you WANTED to disrespect.

"Hey, full disrespect here. You chew your food like a sick camel."

"Ouch. That hurts. Didn't you mean, 'No disrespect'? That way, it's just harmless criticism and allows me the decision to alter what I'm doing or keep it the way that it is."

"Oh, I know that. That's why I said full disrespect. You need to know this. You chew like all of your teeth are kicking."

"...Like all of your teeth are kicking... no disrespect?"

"Full, man. Full."

Movies come out and people get offended. What, do you want these people to run by their projects with you before they make it? They have to ask everyone on the planet what they think of it and if it's offensive? If that were how things worked, nothing would EVER get made. Nothing. Ever. Nowhere.

"Oh, see. I liked it here until he killed his wife. I just don't think that's right. I mean, why would he do that?"

"The movie's called 'He Kills His Wife'! It's a major plot point!"

"Well, I just don't think it's needed. Couldn't he just sit her down and talk out their problems? That's what me and Gerry would do."

"She sold him out to the mob for fifteen thousand dollars! Would Gerry ever do that to you?"

"Oh, heavens no. And if he did, I'd kill him."

People are so sensitive they can read a tweet, be offended by it and want the person who wrote it fired. Fired! For a 140-character thought. Get out!

"Wow! He said he doesn't like gay people. He has no control in this world, he doesn't run a cult, nobody is willing to die for him, he's not a president, CEO, owner of anything, but I don't think he's allowed to say what's on his mind. Fire this man! Light this man on fire! He deserves all of the bad that comes his way!"

It's funny that a man's intolerance is met with no tolerance whatsoever. We're sensitive to the words they use, but not sensitive to the punishment that should happen to them.

How do people think they can actually walk around the earth and not be offended? What puts you at that level that nothing in this world should ever rub you the wrong way?

"Sexually suggestive rap music? How the hell did this get in front of me?! Does this clothing store not know that I'm the Assistant Manager to the cashiers of TD Bank? I don't need this garbage in my life! I want people to think I'm sophisticated!"

I'm not offended by much, and when I say that, I mean that I don't get offended by things most people are offended by. You know what offends me? No swearing in horror movies. People coming to a dead stop while they are walking down a busy street. The ads in New York that tell people not to let the mayor tell them how much pop to drink. Okay, so don't listen to the mayor. Listen to the company that makes money when you buy more of this trash. If you want to be 'free', bring your own container. Don't let anyone pick a size for you!

"Will that be small, medium or large?"

"Actually, the bed of my Ford F-150. No kid who can sweat through a wool coat is going to tell me what to drink out of. I'll pull around back. And put my fries in this shoe box while you're at it."

Twitter @nathanmacintosh

January. Worst month of the year.

People might disagree with this. People might say it's February. People might say it's November. Maybe you hate Christmas and Hanukkah to such a degree that you hate December. Maybe you just can't stand goodbyes.

"Nooo! I was loving this year. Why does it have to end? Can't we just hold off for a bit? Can we take a poll and see what others think? Let's keep this year going! I don't want you, January! I'm going to count up during the countdown. Keep this year going!"

January, though, is the worst month of the year. Here are some reasons why that is so.

It's the first month of the year, which really just makes it the year's Monday. It's a Monday as well that starts on a cold, snowy day. Not all Mondays are cold. But on some, you have to warm up the car, you don't want to get out of bed, it's dark when you go to work and it's dark when you get home.

"Just woke up and it's dark as hell. I probably have some time before I have to get up. It's gotta be about four in the morning. Seven thirty! What?! I'm late! Ahhh, it's freezing out there! Everything here feels bad!"

Those Mondays are awful. And that's January. January is one straight month of that day. It's a thirty-one day Monday.

Another reason it's the worst month? There is nothing in it at all to look forward to. Nothing. November? Not too much in itself, but it means Holidays are coming. December? Christmas and New Year's. February? It's cold, yes, but it's not that long. Plus, March is around the corner and that's when things start to be good again. January? Nothing. January is cold, dark, sucks and leads right into another bad month. It is garbage followed by garbage! January is an episode of Yes, Dear that leads into Two and a Half Men.

"What's on tonight?"

"Yes, Dear followed by Two and a Half Men."

"Wooooo. I really don't think I can deal with that without getting some vitamin D. Want to shut it off until September?"

It's a month that almost forces you to take naps, and then changes its look entirely when you do so. January puts you to bed at 3pm, and you wake up an hour later, it looks like it's a completely new year.

"What the hell? I went to sleep when the sun was up and now it looks like Skynet has become self aware out there. Where's John Connor? Am I too late? Am I a member of the resistance? I'll be back, bed. I have to figure this out!"

Usually, January starts on a hangover. It starts that way! It starts after the last year's big party. The first glimpse you have of January is with a pounding headache, the taste of cigarettes in your mouth and a craving for a McGriddle and ice cream.

"Oh, man. Happy New Year, huh? Let's do it, January! I'm starting this one off right. I can't find my shoes, I dropped my phone in a toilet and I don't think I left my keys in a cab, I'm pretty sure the driver stole them. Just took them! What is he going to do with my keys?"

January starts after a night that is always over-hyped – New Year's Eve. It is never as great as people say it's going to be. Lines are crazy long. It's expensive to get into places that then have no room for you to be in anyway. Drinks are watered down. Girls are crying all over the place. Men are fighting for no reason. People try to dress as if it's hotter than it is. Places have DJs who think they are more important than the countdown.

"Hey, when is the countdown?"

"Oh, that happened. We didn't do it, though; because I had to say "DJ Bag of Shit is in the building" over a Madonna mash up thirteen times. Happy New Year."

The first two hours into January is usually when people start to realize that the night that was supposed to be amazing is an expensive bust, and now, even though the only thing they want to do is get home, they can't get a cab.

"Hi, can I get a cab to..."

"Hahaha. Are you serious? A cab? What, you don't think it's the busiest cab night of the year? I was picking up the phone to take it off the hook! Good luck with that."

I have never been in a warm place for January. Absolutely terrible. Twenty seven Januarys in my life, all of them frigid. There has to be places in the world where January doesn't matter. Brazil? I'm sure that January in Brazil is pretty sweet. I would love to be there for January. I'm sure people who live in warm places never hope that they could live in a cold place for January.

"January. Man, I hate this month."

"Yeah. Still hot, and STILL women walking around in thongs. Can we get something a little different? Would it kill anyone if it was cold around here for a bit?"

"I'd love to see a woman in a sweater. Just once. Never happens."

"I hear you, man... Do you find it weird that we speak English to each other and not Portuguese?"

"I was just about to ask you the same thing."

I would love to see a January that is not like living in a meat freezer with a busted light.

That's another thing. There's no sun in January. The sun is out for about four hours a day. Worst thing is – it's only out on the coldest days. The over cast, dark-as-hell days are usually the warmest.

"Whoa! Look at that sun! It's probably great out there. Let's just check the weather. Huh. That's weird. They usually have a temperature posted. All this says is 'The Sun's a Liar'. That's a strange forecast."

You get sunlight for just about no time at all. January feels the way that being kidnapped probably feels. You're walking along in the sun, and all of sudden, darkness.

"This is a pretty nice day. I'm having a go... Hey! What are you doing!? Put me down!"

"Get in that trunk! You're coming with us!" (<Slams trunk closed>)

"...Hey! What's going on!? I can't see anything in here! Well, I can't let this darkness stop me. I have stuff to do. I was on my way home to start this novel I've been putting off. Hard to do in the dark, but it'll have to do. I'm still getting things done. You hear me kidnappers?! I'M STILL GETTING THINGS DONE!"

I am willing to bet that no feel-good movies or songs are written in January. Think Good Burger was written in January? Probably not. This is the month where the Requiem For A Dreams, the Schindlers Lists and the He Stopped Loving Her Todays are written.

"I feel like writing a nice, fun song. I'll look outside for some inspiration. Hmmm. Looks like the Grim Reaper's dick out there. This doesn't make me think of anything positive. This reminds of the time I saw that dog get hit by a rogue hot pretzel cart. All right, well this isn't going to be a song they can play at the beach."

There's no way that there are artists in the North West Territories or Antarctica who come up with any sunny, positive stuff. No way. I bet every piece of writing is about or to the sun.

"Thanks for coming, everyone. This is a poem entitled 'Sun, You Rhyme with Gun, Which I Could Use to End This Whole Damn Thing'. Dear Sun. Please come back. It has been dark for eight months. Eight months, sir Sun. Could you even kinda understand what that would be like? Okay, look. If you're not going to come back, could you send a U-Haul to this desolate wasteland? Please, Sun! I can't live like this anymore. Yesterday I brushed my teeth with a fork. You get delirious when you don't get vitamin D! My gums are cut to hell! Please, Sun! Please!"

(<Light Applause>)

"It doesn't really rhyme, but I FEEL him."

Another reason it is terrible? It has the most depressing day of the year in it. The third Monday of January is regarded as the most depressing day of the year. It actually has the highest suicide rate of any other day of the year. Did you read that?! The highest suicide rate! That's the big holiday to look forward to in January. Highest suicide rate day.

"Did you get your wife anything for the most depressing day of the year?"

"It's being delivered Monday. It's about two hundred and forty pounds and will be hanging by a Monster Cable cord from a beam in the garage."

"Ooooo. Sounds expensive."

"Not really. It had a lot of potential in high school, but now it's worth about thirty-five grand a year. Now if you'll excuse me, I have a lot of goodbyes to write."

Twitter @nathanmacintosh

What is Anderson Cooper trying to do?

When I first saw Anderson Cooper, he didn't have a smirk on his face. He was talking about the Iraq War. He was talking about a huge world event on CNN, which is supposed to be a trusted news network, telling me it in a trustworthy newscaster way.

"Hello, this is a very serious topic I'm discussing in a very serious and professional way. There is no way you could watch this and think that I could giggle at will."

The last time I saw Anderson Cooper? He was having his business stared at by Kathy Griffin on New Year's Eve.

"Hello, you are staring at my package. There is no way that I cannot giggle at this. I am about to commence now. Here goes. Giggling."

I can say that I truly do not understand Anderson Cooper. What is this man about? Is he someone who can just fit into any role that he's put into? Is he someone who wants to express every side of himself on TV? Is he a man who, due to his family ties to very wealthy people, wants to show the world that he doesn't need that security and is quite capable of doing anything he wants on his own? I do not know. And I do not have anything against him, I just don't understand him.

Anderson Cooper's CNN show, AC360, is a very serious news program. It's not a show you would watch if you were looking for laughs.

"Honey, I feel like watching something upbeat. Do you want to toss on Anderson 360? I hear tonight he's talking about women's rights in India. Always a laugh riot, this guy."

For ten years now we have seen him in this role. For ten years we thought we knew about Anderson Cooper. He was a man who cared about the world. A man who went to the Middle East, Africa, and Haiti, where he was shown on camera carrying a bloody child out of rubble. We had a pretty good idea about him.

"You know, I trust this guy. He went to Iraq and personally reported the news. He didn't sit in an office. He went to the action! There's no WAY that he would have a daytime show where he gives away Pringles. No way!"

But then that man's worst fears came true. Anderson Cooper started to host his own daytime talk show, Anderson Live, and sometimes, gave the audience Pringles.  His show at night was about real world events, and on his daytime talk show he was asking ditzy celebrities what THEY think about world problems!

"Thanks for coming, Snooki. What do you think about the gun control situation?"

"Glad you asked. Do you like my hair?"

"...Yes. It's very nice. Back to guns. What do you think should be done?"

"I have a blower dryer that I call my 'dry hair' gun, so I guess, sometimes I'm for them. But the bad kind? The bang bang kind? No."

I have nothing against Snooki, but you don't ask her about world issues when you yourself know about world issues! Ask her about dogs. Ask her about tanning. Ask her about becoming a mom, or breaking nails, or things to do with your hair or shoes! But DON'T ask her about the fiscal cliff!

This starts to explain why I do not understand this man. Does he want us to think he's smart? Does he want to be a cast member on a reality show? At night he's giving facts about the poverty in the world, in the morning he's co-hosting with a cast member of Jersey Shore, and telling us about a tanning salon they went to together.

"We went tanning. We're friends. My tan didn't take, but still, we had a good time. At one point, I squirted tanning oil into Snooki's hair and she was all, 'No! Why would you do that Ande..."

"Anderson! You're on your nighttime show! You are patched in live with a Saudi prince and you are supposed to be discussing oil!"

"You… went tanning? Is Snooki a talking beverage? I am a very busy Saudi prince. I have no time for this!"

"Sir, please! Would you like some Pringles?"

He was, at one point, a host on a reality show. He used to host 'The Mole'. USED to. Then he started telling us about the news, and actually going to do something about it. You can't go back after that. You stepped up. You can't go back! Cal Ripken can't get his old job back at a gas station.

"Holy hell! Cal Ripken! What are you doing here?"

"Hello. One, I'm here to buy gas. Two, are you hiring?"

"Hiring? Are you nuts? You're a millionaire!"

"Don't worry about me, all right, kid? I want my job back. I'm sure you've heard, I have a great record for showing up. I won't miss a day."

What is the next career move for this man? A very serious news program. Followed by a Rosie O'Donnell rip off from the 90s. Next? Maybe he'll try to get on a 2 Chainz song.

"She got a big booty, so I call her big booty. 2 Chainz!"

"AC in the building! I go in 360 degrees, that's called a circle. On my daytime talk show, I act like Urkel. I've given aid to Africa, the Middle East. And I've been on TV talking about cheese!"

"2… Wait! You can't actually rhyme on this song. That ain't 2 Chainz. That's 2lames. This is swag rap. The idea here is to just look cool. You got it?"

"Yo, 2 Chainz. I don't want to disturb you, but that last sentence right there? Sounded tight as hell on the beat! You got anymore of that fire?"

Anderson Cooper came out last year and announced that he was gay. That is fantastic, but it seems since that time that he has done some of the things that makes me not understand him. That is around the time that he started to interview dumb people about stupid things. Was straight Anderson Cooper the smart one? Did he care more about using his brain? Then when he came out as gay he decided that he needed to be a little less serious?

"Guys, look. I just came out, okay? I can't be doing this 'save the world' type of journalism all the time! I need to lighten up a little! Any ideas?"

"You could wear more colorful ties?"

"I don't haaate it. Anything else?"

"Uh, you could get people who really wanted to be in Ellen's audience but couldn't to sit in front of you while you hand out Christmas trinkets?"

"Whoa! That's amazing! How can we get Ellen's audience leftovers, though? She's in LA."

"Are you kidding? We're near Times Square. Go there and say, 'Who wants a free t-shirt?!' All the women who scream, there's your audience."

Anderson then went to the daytime show and it was cancelled shortly thereafter. How come? Could it possibly be because people who remember him from his late show, and were fans, didn't necessarily want to see him on a show where he is supposed to be the male version of Ellen? Nobody watches Ellen and thinks the opposite for her.

"You know, I really like her here. She's perfect! She's funny, charming, she dances. Makes everyone happy. I would love to see her in Kosovo interviewing a child who was just hit by a missile. Call me crazy, but I would love to see it."

And of course they don't want to see that! We get pretty used to seeing people do what it is they do. Does anyone want to see Charlie Rose doing cartwheels on daytime TV? Or James Lipton doing wacky breakfast television games? We looking for Wolf Blitzer to start judging America's Got Talent? This is neither good nor bad, but I do not understand Anderson Cooper.

Twitter @nathanmacintosh

Every movie has to be two and a half hours?

I remember a time when some movies were an hour and a half. If a movie was two and a half hours, it was usually because the acting was great, it was about a true event, and it was going to be nominated for an Oscar. Now? There's barely a movie that gets made that isn't as long as it takes to cook a pot roast.

"How long should I cook this turkey?"

"Toss Spiderman 3 on. When that's done, throw it out the window and never bring it into this house again. Also, that turkey will be done."

Some movies need to be two and a half hours. Movies about true events where the details and the story are crucial. They could have made Chaplin an hour and a half, but it was about a man's life. Hard to knock out details.

"I want to make movies! That's what I want to do!"

"Okay. Nobody's stopping you. Start making movies!"

"All right, I will!"

'And Charlie made movies. Very popular movies. He was banned from America for some stuff. The end.'

But there are a lot of movies that do not have to be this long.

For example, comedy movies. Why the hell do comedies need to be as long as Amistad? Pretty much every Judd Apatow movie is at least a half hour longer than it needs to be. They are funny, but there's a point when it's just overkill. Save some of the jokes for another movie. Funny People was one hundred and forty-six minutes. Amistad was one hundred and fifty-five. How does a comedy with Adam Sandler need to be nine minutes shy of a movie about the true story of a slave ship?

"Guys, I think I know how to stop racism. If I make a funny movie that's longer than a sad movie about slaves, I can break the curse."

"...What curse?"

"The curse of racism. It's only stuck around because of these long movies. Wait! I have to make this movie longer than Roots! THAT'S where the power of the curse lies! Get the writers back. We need to make this eight hours long. This curse will be destroyed!"

Even comedies that are fantastic don't need to be that long. Dumb and Dumber. That movie is crazy funny. It's one hundred and seven minutes long. And in that one hundred and seven minutes, I was given all of the information and jokes I needed to enjoy that movie. What's missing from it? Would it have been better if there were another forty-five minutes in it?

"That movie was great! It was funny and has one of the best endings ever. But… what happens to them when they walk away from the Hawaiian Tropic bus? Do they get jobs in the next town? Do they ever find love? Does Harry grow out of that ridiculous haircut? So many unanswered questions. I really wish it were longer."

Over the last few years, why have movies started to become so long? Were people complaining that they didn't have enough time to sit in the theatre chairs that lean back?

"Man, JUST when I get my chair leaned into the perfect position, the movie's over. I swear, Hollywood, stop cutting these off as soon as I get comfortable. Or maybe I should learn to get comfortable sooner. Nope, Hollywood's fault."

Were people upset that they didn't have the chance to stay in a building that charges $5.50 for bottled water? Was there a vote taken that people were upset that they weren't given enough time to finish the monstrous Coca Cola slushies and popcorn that they buy?

"Whoa, this is great. I really like thi... credits? What the hell?! I JUST spiked this slushie for the fourth time. Where am I gonna drink this now? In an alley? And how am I going to finish this tub of popcorn! I can't carry this home on the subway with me. I can't have people knowing I eat this much to myself! It has to be eaten in a dark room like everything else that is shameful. Man. They have to start making these longer."

Have they started making every movie long because of the price increase of the movies? Do they feel they owe us more because movies are fifteen dollars now?

"Look, we can't charge fifteen bucks and only give them an hour and a half of movie."

"What if the movie is really good? They'll probably leave with a beautiful feeling and tell everyone to go see it. If we just make it longer for the sake of making it longer, we'll bore them and they won't tell anyone to see it!"

"Answer me this. When have you ever paid fifteen dollars and not stayed in that place for two and a half hours?"

"Buying socks, picking up fruit, eating an upsized Big Mac meal, getting pants hemmed. How many of these do you want me to name?"

"That's enough. Now, if you had bought socks and could sit down and try them on for two and a half hours in a dark room with OTHER people who are doing the same thing, wouldn't you feel that you got your money's worth?"

"...No! There honestly couldn't be anything I can think of that would be worse. Why would anyone want to do that?"

"Because while you do that you can watch Tom Cruise do stuff! Drive cars. Blow things up. Do you see?!"

"...I... can't...I can't even... I have to leave."

Are movies longer now because most that come out are really bad? Is that it? There are some good movies coming out for sure, but there are a LOT of bad ones as well that still don't pull out at the hour and a half mark.

"All right, the movie is done and edited, and let me tell you – it stinks."

"What's wrong with it?"

"The story, the actors, the editing. The last one is my fault, but when you see a story and actors that are this bad, you don't care about editing it well."

"Oh, man. This is bad. People are going to hate it… I know! We'll make it longer, so they don't feel like they are getting ripped off!"

"...Whoa! I love that idea! How can you complain something was bad if you get a lot of it? It's like if you complain about your two-piece at KFC, and they give you six more pieces! The other six are still trash, but it's MORE OF THEM!"

"Exactly. So throw it all in. Continuity errors, boom mics in the shot, flubbed lines. We'll keep them in the theatre so long, they'll love it!"

The two and a half hour movie is becoming such a staple that soon people will probably be upset if theirs isn't that long.

"How was the movie?"

"Total rip! It was only an hour and forty minutes. Great movie, but come on? I mean, I paid for a babysitter! She's just gonna make thirty bucks for two hours of work?"

"...I'm the babysitter. You are talking to me."

"...Oh ...Yeah. Sorry. Do you mind if I give you the thirty next week? I bought Milk Duds... You want a Milk Dud?"

When is this long trend going to catch on with TV? I'm waiting for half hour sitcoms to become marathons.

"Did you see The Big Bang Theory last night?"

"Are you serious? I don't have a spare hour and a half."

"Man, it was a good one. The gang lost their apartment, got it back, beat ALL of Zelda: Ocarina of Time ON CAMERA, AND lost all of their virginities with a duration of five minutes each. It was epic. Took them an hour alone to get out of the water temple. With commercials! Just amazing."

Most movies do not need to be this long at all. We don't spend this much time on other things that are interesting. People can get through a zoo in less than two and a half hours. A zoo! A place that has beautiful, exotic, live animals. We can get all that we need out of that place in about an hour.

"Huh, look at that. A rhino. Never saw that before... All right, we ready to go home?"

Twitter@nathanmacintosh

"Attention passengers, give us more money."

Airlines have started to make flights "cheaper" by letting you pick what you are going to use and what you're not going to use.

"Excuse me, I know for a FACT that I will not be using my window. I'm going to fall asleep. Can you maybe knock ten bucks off my price?"

"Sure. No worries at all."

"Thanks... Oh, by the way, I probably won't throw up. I mean, I'm a pretty good flyer, and unless my wife calls me to tell me she's cheating on me with my friend Bill, who, come to think of it, has been spending a lot of time at the house recently – I should be okay. Another dollar off?"

Those things are not optional, and as it turns out, you need just about everything that they let you choose from.

For a while now, airlines have been charging for checked bags. For a bag that a few years ago they knew they had to have the human decency to just put on the plane, now they charge you for it. I think it makes sense in some cases. I'm sure years ago people would bring a trunk full of rocks onto the plane.

"I'd like to check this. You're gonna wanna watch that. It blew the tire on the cab on the way over, and I threw my back out twice moving it. You guys have a crane you use for the bags, right? Hey! Watch it, okay? It's fragile."

Not long ago, though, even if an airline charged you for checked bags, you were allowed to have one for free. Now? That luxury is pretty much gone. You want your luggage to be on that plane that you paid to be on? You're paying for it. Or maybe you're going on vacation with nothing.

"Okay. I'm flying to Rome tomorrow. What do I need? Well, I'm going for three weeks. I got my keys, my wallet, my passport.... Yep. I think I'm ready to go. I'll buy clothes over there. Actually, I'm not even wearing clothes on the plane. Just a robe. Let's do it, customs. I'm ready."

Maybe you're not traveling far. So you think that you can bring a carry-on bag with you. You're not checking anything, so this shouldn't cost anything extra. Wrong! Now airlines charge for a carry-on. A bag that could really be anything. How the hell did this happen?

"We're not making enough money on these flights. What do we do?"

"Raise the price of flights?"

"Jesus. Of COURSE we could do that. But do you think that's evil enough? You know what? I've had it with you and your garbage. You're fired! Anyone else?"

"...Ummm, we could charge people money for their carry-on bags?"

"...Now, Goddamn. THAT is an idea! We'll charge ol' sucker tits to bring on bags that we give them the room for anyway! That is great. You keep coming up with ideas like these, I'll you get a raise."

"Well, I have some more! What about charging people money to get on to the website to book their flight?"

"... There... are no... words. Pat yourself on the back, and get the hell out of here. You deserve the day off after that wicked brilliance. There will be a briefcase of money on your door step. And if you see the man I just fired, kick him in the ass and tell him your idea!"

What constitutes a carry-on? A backpack? What about a wallet? It is technically a carry-on. It holds things the same as a bag does. Is it just anything that you are not going to keep directly on you at all times? What if you are going to keep it on you? You could sit in a seat wearing a gym bag. That's a carry-on? What about a fanny pack? Fanny packs can hold a ton. Goes around your waist like a belt. Are we charging for those?

"Whoa, a bigger wallet. Sir, we're going to have to charge for that fanny pack."

"Actually, I'm not a man. I'm a hot woman who thinks that this is not a fanny pack because it's Gucci and I wear it over my arm."

"Oh, my apologies! Most people with those are over weight men wh..., you don't watch NASCAR?"

Isn't that amazing? Charge you to bring on a bag that you could keep on your lap. A bag that doesn't have to leave you at all. Are they going to start charging for pants?

"Sir, I'm sorry. It's forty dollars to wear full-length pants. Shorts are free. Capris are twenty dollars. But full-length pants? Forty bucks. New policy. We just don't have the room on the plane for all of the fabric."

"But... I'm wearing it. How is there no roo..."

"Sir. Don't embarrass yourself. Just give us the money."

Flights will even charge you for a seat. Not an upgraded seat. Not an exit row seat. A seat! A seat now on some airlines doesn't come with the price of the ticket! No seat! The ticket price now is just so you have the privilege of getting on the plane.

"Thank you for paying three hundred dollars for your flight! We will open the doors for you and you are allowed to step onboard. However, until you pay a bit more, do not sit down! Our seats do not come with the ticket price, you bag of trash. We have stopped you from being homeless – that is all."

You need a seat! That is not an extra. That is not a perk! They'll let you fly without a bag; they will not let you fly without a seat. You HAVE to buy a seat or you can't fly. It's complete robbery. If you could fly without a seat, people would do it to save money.

"Man, this flight only cost me four dollars! I refused all of the luxuries! No seat, no bags, no free peanuts, no washroom privileges. Nothing! I heard that starting next year they'll let you fly for free if you agree to be apart of the landing gear. Oh, man! Thailand here I come! Hey, can I go ask the pilot for a transfer like this is a bus? I'm standing like it's one."

You don't get a seat anymore? That's completely ridiculous. No one else could get away with this.

"Yes, sir. The steak is forty dollars. A plate is an extra three dollars."

"Plate? You don't give me a plate with this? Well, I'm not tipping."

"That is impossible, sir. Gratuity is included in the bill. We win at every turn. So... plate?"

Also, the whole 'Cheap Flights!' sentiment is basically a lie. You'll see ads that say, "Fly to the other side of the earth for two hundred dollars!" then you look at the small print and the tax is eight hundred dollars! If the tax is higher than the price, then that's the price! You can't say it's ten bucks if the tax is four thousand dollars.

"Hey! Come get this free TV!"

"Oh, man! I'll take it!"

"Good choice! How would you like to pay? That'll be seven hundred dollars."

"What? You said it was free."

"Oh, it is! The tax on free, though, is seven hundred dollars. I know, it doesn't make any sense! But think of the deal you're getting here. Free!"

"Free! Take my credit card and charge it! I'm getting a free TV!"

And this isn't tax! Tax on ten bucks is about a dollar. What world are you living in that the tax on something is way higher than the price?

"See, people thought they were paying too much before. So we started doing this new thing, where we say something is very cheap, and then have the tax be two thousand percent of that. People are paying the exact same amount, but they feel they are getting a deal. It's kinda the same as if a woman offers you a hand job and then fully has sex with you."

"...It's nothing like that at all. And who the hell are you? You pulled my headphones off while I was trying to write. What do you want?"

"Oooohhhh, I'm sorry. I guess people at this Starbucks don't want to hear the tale of the 'price lowering, tax highering' debacle of the late 2000s. Soooorrryyyy. You buy a latte four days ago in here and somehow your opinion doesn't mean anything. I see how it is!"

If airlines are now going to charge for things we should be getting anyway, we should start getting some other options. Some options we might actually want. When are they going to start charging you for the ability to tell the stewardess what we don't want to hear? How much would that cost?

"If you would direct your attention to the front, we will be going over the safety features of this air cr..."

"We get it. The safety features. We've all flown before. Can you just shut it!"

"Me 'shutting it' is an extra charge of ten dollars."

"Here! Just stop telling me how to buckle a seat belt!"

How about being able to pay a bit more to keep your headphones on? Which would basically just be money to fly as an adult. You were old enough to book the flight, pay for it, but you are not an adult enough to decide whether you wear headphones or not? How about a fee to have no babies on a flight? I don't mean kids. I mean babies. Babies scream. A lot. It's annoying to hear on the street, but in a tube that you are stuck in? Whoa. If there had been a baby in that canyon, '127 Hours' would have a very different ending.

"Ah, God! My arm is stuck under this rock! What the hell will I do? I have enough water to last a fe...."

"Waaaaa! Waaaaa! WAAAAA!"

"A baby? There's a baby in this canyon!? Well, that settles it. I can't deal with this!" (<smashes his head off of rock until he passes out>)

Yes, people with babies have to fly with babies, but some of it is just unnecessary.

"We're taking little Ted here to Florida! He can't wait!"

"Waaaa! Waaaaaa! WAAAAAAA!"

"Well, he doesn't know you're taking him to Florida. He'll be very happy when he grows up, though, to see pictures of the time you took him to see Mickey at a time when he couldn't enjoy it. How much to get this baby out of here!"

How about being able to pay some money so that they don't try to sign you up for a credit card in the air? There's almost nothing more offensive than that. Being stuck in a tube that is flying through the air, and having someone trying to get you to sign up for credit. The only equivalent to that on earth is if you found yourself stuck inside a priority mailbox with a banker.

"Greetings, sir! Do you want to hear about our interest rates?"

"What the hell is going on?! Am I inside a mailbox!?"

"Not quite, sir. You're inside a box that SENDS mail."

"Well, how the hell did that happen? I was just walking down the street..."

"And you came across a man holding a goat's head?"

"Yeah! I bumped into him by accident, then I en..."

"Yep, there you have it. Bumped into a witch doctor. Me too. But that hasn't stopped me from trying to make an extra dollar for a company that doesn't care about me. Now let's talk limit. You have thirty thousand dollars of debt. How about a card with a million dollar limit?"

"Nooooooooooo!"

Twitter @nathanmacintosh

About to be hit by a train? The NY Post will print it!

Last week, there was a picture on the cover of the New York Post that showed a man who was about to be hit by a subway train. Actual picture, actual event. There are many things about this that are insane. 

For one, how can you take a picture of a man who's ABOUT to die? A person who is in danger and could be helped – and your first thought is not to take a step toward to help this man, but to focus your camera so you can get his expression?

"Help! Someone help me off the tracks!"

"Hey, this is just like the TV! But there are no cameras here. Wait! Except this one around my neck! Don't worry, NBC, I'll be your eyes and ears on this one."

"Help! Help me!"

"I am helping, sir! I am taking your picture so that everyone gets to see this horrible event. You'll be in the paper! Say cheese! …Guttural screaming, huh? That's a weird way to say 'cheese'."

Why would someone take a picture of this, you ask? The man who took the picture said he started taking pictures so that the flash on his camera would alert the driver. I think that needs to be written again to really understand its outlandishness. He took the picture... so that the flash... would alert the driver. Are we serious? Can this be said at all? What other ludicrous ways does this man try to alert people?

"Hey, man! I tried to warn you about that bike that was about to hit you. You didn't see me? I was across the street and I made an origami swan and threw it at you. Man, first you run the light and then you don't see the swan? You're not good at reading signals, huh?"

He took pictures so the flash would alert the driver?! There's no end to what a lie that is to protect himself against people who call him a monster. That reasoning is as insane as when a kid tries to make up a story of how a chair was broken.

"Well, you see, we were standing on the chair to do our homework."

"Really? In the kitchen? Beside the cookies?"

"Yeah! We weren't going to eat them; the cookies just help us focus. So we were standing on the chair, and I said, "I love my mom so much! She's so great!" and I guess the weight of those words, combined with our own weight, broke the chair."

The picture taker was on The Today Show the following day, and was asked why he didn't help the man, and if he felt bad about taking the pictures. His answers were pretty robotic, and he didn't seem as if he felt any emotions, let alone guilt or sadness. 

"If I gave you a new car right now, would you be happy about it?"

"I don't know. It would depend on whether or not my batteries are fully charged. If you are going to give me a new car, can you check my bars? I want to act accordingly."

He was asked as well if he sold the pictures or made money off of them.

"Yes. I was offered money for them. I wouldn't call it 'selling' the pictures, I would call it 'licensing'."

Licensing! This man has a picture of someone about to die, and he's 'licensing' the pictures?

"Ya know, I REALLY want a picture of a dead guy, but I just don't think I can afford it right now."

"Can't afford it?! Well, I've got a deal for you. How does one hundred dollars down and forty bucks a month for the next five years?"

"Really? Okay, that soun... Wait, what does forty bucks a month for the next five years equal out to?"

"It equals out to you leaving right now with a picture of a dead guy."

"Wow! Where do I sign!"

Not only was it bad enough that someone has a picture of this at all, but the New York Post printed it. On the front page! Printed it on the front page of the paper? With the headline "Doomed"? Are you "Faces of Death"? Are you hard up for sales? If you're printing this, why not print other pictures of people about to die? Why not head right to the morgue, and instead of just having a story about a prostitute who was murdered, get a picture of her? Why not? Do you have to see it as it's happening before the picture can be used?

"Guys! I have a great picture for your paper! You heard about the old woman who was stabbed last night for her wallet, right? Well, take a look at this."

"Whoa! That's a straight-on shot of her face. Wait, is that the knife in her stomach?"

"Yeah! I stabbed her with my left hand, took the picture with my right! I can steady a camera better with my right hand. My left hand is kinda shaky. This woman found that out the hard way."

"...You murdered this woman?"

"Sure did. Seventy-eight bucks on her."

"Well, sir, I'm am thoroughly disgusted... that you are going to go to jail for this! I mean, look at the lighting! Look at how close you are! It's just a shame. You'll probably get fifteen years, but when you get out, you'll have a job here with benefits. Congratulations."

Not one person there could help this guy? Not one? I know there isn't a good Samaritan law, but man, can nothing be done to these people? At least be banned from the subway for a bit. Something.

"Can I buy a monthly pass?"

"Sure... wait. Weren't you on the platform the other day when a man fell onto the tracks and you didn't do anything about it?"

"Yeah! Man, it was nuts. I got some pictures. You want to see? I got right up in his face in one of them. You can almost see him mouth the words, "Why the fuck are you taking pictures and not giving me a hand at all?"

"You are not allowed on the train, sir. And you make me sick."

Maybe the people on the tracks actually wouldn't have been able to help him. I wasn't there. But could they have at least attempted to help him? At least fake an attempt to try to help him? People feign interest all the time. Just about any time someone is walking behind you when you walk through a doorway, and they're just a little bit too far behind for you to hold it open for them, you'll make an attempt at pretending to reach back to hold it, but you just don't quite make it.

"Ah, sorry, man. My hand didn't reach it in time. I tried. Sorry about that cake that was smashed into your face. If only you were two steps faster."

We fake attempts all the time! If an old woman is about to lift a heavy box, and you see someone close to her who is going to help her, you'll probably still make the attempt, even though you will not be called upon.

"Oh, you got it? Okay."

"No, actually. I was going to help her with her coat. Could you give us a hand?"

"Sorry, what? I am now five steps away from you. You probably just want to thank me again for stepping forward, but here's a secret, I had no intention of helping, regardless. Thanks, though."

The people there couldn't even ATTEMPT to help him? Not even take a stride forward? Not even yell out? Nothing? Just stand there and wait for it to happen?

Maybe that's why there are action movies. Movies that show people doing heroic things that no one would ever attempt in real life. Maybe if action movies were based on reality, they wouldn't even happen.

"John McClane! Your wife's Christmas party has been taken over by terrorists! You are the only one who can help!"

"Whoa, whoa, whoa. Help? Not on your life. First of all, I'm off duty. Second, terrorists? Don't think so. And it's 'ex' wife. Maybe if she hadn't left me, I'd think differently. But right now? I'm way too upset to forgive her for leaving, and I will let these terrorists capture her out of spite. Stop terrorists without any shoes? Yippe-kay-nay!"

It's amazing that not one person stepped forward to help this man. I think people don't want to help because most people don't want to step out of line. No one wants to be embarrassed. About ninety-five percent of people try their hardest to go all day without bumping into people, being noticed by strangers, or doing something that could be deemed embarrassing or ridiculous. Most people are horrified that they could be called upon to do something.

"Man, I can't go help that guy. What if I make it into the paper? I'm not wearing anything cool enough to be in the paper – just a stupid black jacket. Or worse! What if I trip on the way over to help him and everyone here sees me fall on my face! I could never take the subway again! How could I continue to live if forty people saw me trip and f... Oh! The train hit him! Whoa. Well, at least I can slink back into obscurity. Thank you, Jesus."

It's crazy that a man is PUSHED onto the tracks and no one moves at all. If someone dropped his or her phone? Everyone would care.

"Man, you dropped your phone! That's terrible. Here, I'll hold your stuff while you jump down and grab it."

"A man was just pushed onto the tracks!"

"Oh, God! Tell him to get up and get pushed again! I have to get my phone so I can take a picture of him! He hasn't died yet, has he? I want a picture!"

Twitter @nathanmacintosh