Hiking in Iraq.

As I'm sure some people have heard, two men who were hiking in Iraq and accidentally crossed into Iran were arrested and released this week. They spent two years in an Iranian jail because Iranian border guards had thought they were spies. Now, spending two years in an Iranian jail would be awful I could assume, and it's over the top that someone thinks  you're a spy so you do time, BUT, this doesn't mean that some questions should not be asked.

First, and very important one being, who goes hiking in Iraq? That sentence could also be, "WHO goes hiking in Iraq?" or "Who goes HIKING in IRAQ?" That seems like the place you'd go after you've hiked EVERYWHERE else in the world.
"We've hiked everywhere! We even hiked the bottom of the ocean. What's next?"
"I'll tell you what's next man. Baghdad. Take off your scuba gear. Not needed in the desert."

Who even thinks of traveling to Iraq? Ever see any commercials with people running through a desert, smiling, with soft music playing, then the Voice Over,
"Come to Iraq. You know you want to."
When was the last time you heard someone speak of their great trip to Iraq?

"We just spent two weeks in Tikrit. You must go!  "

I've never heard it.

If for some reason though you decide that you must travel to Iraq, bring a map. If you're not from the Middle East, know where you are going. You'd want to know where you were if you were hiking through the woods! Why? The woods have bears you don't want to run into. The Iraq/Iran border has bears as well, except these bears have guns and are apart of a militia.

"Ooops. Sorry. Is this Iran? We had no idea. No, no, no need for guns sir. By the way Iranian border guards, where are the happy running people we saw in the commercials? Oh, we put on these cuffs and get in that armored truck and you'll drive us to them? Well thanks so much! Slap em on!"

You go hiking in Iraq without a map? And not only is it bad enough you're hiking Iraq, you are hiking the border of Iran? How dangerous do you need to be to live?

"Hey, you want to go white water rafting?"
"Sure! But let's put holes in the boats.  Just white watering rafting is for pussies. I want my life on the line!"

It's funny as well that the Iranian government thought that's what American espionage would be taught to say if they were caught. No suicide pills or fights to the death, just "we're hiking."

"If anyone asks, tell them you're hiking. Of course they'll believe you! People hike in Iraq all the time. It's a huge hiking destination. You'll be bumping into hikers left, right and center. More hikers in Iraq than paper in a confectionary store.  Haven't you heard the song "Break your back to hike in Iraq?" It's a hiking diddy!"

No wonder they got locked up. Nobody anywhere would believe the hiking defense. Even if you stumbled into the back of a post office.
"What are you doing here?"
"Hiking. Can't you see my big stick and bag of granola bars?"
"You're trying to steal mail! That's an offense!"
"No, no. Look at my socks! Grey with red trim. Are these the socks of a thief? I think not, sir. These are hiking socks."

 So why would an Iranian border guard be fine with this?
"What are you doing here? Are you spies?"
"Noo, nooo, of course not. We are hiking. Can't you see my big stick and bag of granola bars? Wait,... are you a mirage? I'm out of water."

You should get some jail time for even thinking about hiking in Iraq. Iraq? People in Iraq don't hike Iraq. Of all the things you could do with some time off.

"Disneyland? Vegas? Atlantic City?"

"Boring, dude. Let's hike where we may hit some land mines."

HIKE IRAQ. Which translates to WALK IRAQ. You want to WALK IRAQ? That's the vacation? The outskirts of Iraq!

Where they were going must have come up in conversation when buying their gear.
"Hiking boots huh? Nice. Where are you guys hiking?"
"Oh, the lovely hiking destination that is border of Iraq and Iran."
"Iraq and Iran?! Really? Oh, how lovely!  Well, once you're done picking out your knapsacks, let me take you down the street to the gun store. Pick up a piece to match your hiking boots."

Their parents didn't say anything? Didn't put up any kind of fight? The night they were packing no one said,
"Hmm, maybe Yosemite would be a good place to hike? There's probably more to see."
"God, mom, we get it. Be careful in Iraq, geez. Lay off a little, huh? We know the safe word. American. We are American. A-M-E-R-I-C-A-N. Red, white and blue sir militia man, which means we can hike where ever we want. Now, where is the McDonalds? We got it. You worry too much, mother. I played tier 2 hockey remember? Piece of American swiss this will be."

If you told someone you were hiking in Detroit, they'd say,
"Detroit? What are you, an idiot?"
These guys say Iraq and everyone around them says, "Have a good time! Bring sunscreen, it's really hot there!"

Alright, I have to go, guys. I'm going to book my parasailing trip to North Korea. I hear the sights are to die for. Or at least be arrested for.

Cell phone companies/call centers

Everyone has a cell phone. We all have them, so the call centers we have to call to get help should be great, right? Right! We're all customers here. But alas, they are just horrible. And I say from experience, not only calling them, but working there as well. I worked at a call center for a cell phone company for one month. My soul screamed every day and threatened to commit suicide. Cubicles, florescent lights, white walls, sad people all around, people who for some reason are happy to be there, and a manager who constantly walks around saying things like, "You miss a hundred percent of the calls you don't take, guys! Pick it up!"
Most people who work in a call center would love to be hit in the face by a meteor. I took the road of calling in sick 4 out of my 5 shifts a week. 


I get it, working there is awful, but calling in is just as awful. These companies do not care. When you have an actual problem with your phone or service, they put you on hold for hours.
"Oh, the buttons blew right off your phone for no reason? Man, too bad. Let me put you on hold for an hour while I connect you to the 'button blow-off' department."
When you want to pay money, though? They're pretty good about answering that call. "Oh, let me take care of that for you. Payment Department? Hahaha, no, we can all except funds. Yeah, anything. Whatever you have, we want it. The other day I accepted teeth a grave robber had dug up. Oh, you're also experiencing reception problems? Eeeeek! Let me put you on hold."


The beginning of the call they try to make it seem as if they have a heart. As if they care about your time.
"We're experiencing a higher-than-normal wait time. Please be patient."
Thanks for the warning, but no, you're not. These are pretty normal. It's always a long wait!  I've never heard,
"Wow! We're experiencing a shorter-than-normal wait time. Apparently everyone else gave up after waiting for two hours and hung up. You're lucky: you're going right in!"
These positive reinforcements keep coming as you wait.

"Please stay on the line. Your call is important to us." 


The part that is cut out of this recording is the snickering that was done right after it was said.
"Your call is important to us. HAHAHAHA."
"Oh, that's funny. Imagine a guy sitting there who has to go out, but also has to talk to us, getting angry, and he hears 'Your call is important to us?' Because, it's totally not! It's like saying it's not you, it's me! I just wish there was a way we could see their faces!"

Just say what should be said.
"Listen, we're upset that you have a problem and had to call. Do you always want to work? Of course not. It's gonna take a while, because the person who should answer this works in a cubicle with florescent lights screaming down on them for 10 hours, so they may have gone to get a Mars bar. And look at that attractive person at the end of their row, who's beside the really unattractive person who thinks this fluorescent-lit, working-in-a-cube thing is a good job. So, just hold the phone, all right?"

Not one cell phone company cares about you, no matter how many smiling dogs or "regular"-looking people they have paid to say "We love the service!" I know actors need jobs, but Jesus. And if these people are actual real humans who just love the service, they should be beaten to death in the mall, right in front of a kiosk while shopping for cell phone covers.

"I love my cell phone provider! I mean, they let me call people! And I'm just like you! You like wearing dress shoes with jeans, right? Me too! So you should get this plan, too. We could be besties! I'm actually going to take everything out of my house, paint it white and just have blue furniture! ... Ummm, what are you doing with those baseball bats?"

 

We get mad at the person who answers the phone. The person who answers the phone gets mad at us. Think of this: this horrible cell phone company has gotten humans to fight each other! We call them and go, "God, you guys in this call center are terrible!" They sit and talk about callers: "Man, the people whocall here are so dumb. I mean, it only took me five weeks of training to find out that you have to hold the on button for exactly five seconds then toss it in the air when it freezes. Why can't they figure it out?"

It's not their fault or our fault! It's the CEO who's golfing on a Condor while drinking expensive wine from Li'l Wayne's hat that we should be mad at. He's the problem! You should be able to call them.

"Press 1 to make a payment. Press 2 if you're having a problem with your service. Press 3 if you would like to speak to the CEO, who is currently bathing in diamonds. Warning, pressing 3 may not mean you will speak with the CEO, but you will hear what it would be like to suds up in forever."

The inventors of these companies should not be heralded as heroes. No roads named after them. Would you name your street after a person who kidnapped you and made you bend to their will? No? Then Ted Rogers doesn't get a road. And yes, he was a Canadian radio pioneer, but his cell phone company destroys that whole legacy.

3D technology. Really?

3D is supposed to be the best thing ever. It's supposed to be the way that we have always wanted to watch movies. The way that it was meant to be. Sure, if the world was 2D, it wouldn't be a great place. But a movie shown in 2D, is shown in a 3D world! We don't need it.

3D seems so childish to me. I don't understand why any adult would want to watch a movie in 3D. A kids movie? I get it. Kids love having computer generated snails voiced by Snooki right in their face.
"haha, dad, that snail said "if you're not a guido, get out of my snail face!", and it's right here! I love when animals say things humans would say!"
 I get that, and I'm not upset about it. An adult though? I don't see the appeal.
"Oh man, Gene Hackman is really mad. Look at him! I've never seen him this close or angry. Not since that time I threw popcorn at him on the street. I couldn't tell the difference from the movies and real life with all this 3D!"

The real problem with "3D", is that these movies are not 3D! Most of these movies were not shot in 3D at all. Be what you say you're going to be! The same as if they told you "Hey! Come down to a movie today, and you can get your picture taking with Al Gore!" Then you go, and it's a cardboard cut out of him.
"Hey, this isn't what you said."
"Oh, really? Can you tell me this isn't Al Gore? Have you ever met the man? How do you know he's not made of cardboard? Look, get your picture taken with him, or walk away. He's quite sensitive."

All the companies do is distort the movie so that we have to pay more to see it properly! WOW! They have found a way to get more money out of us for not doing anything better. Actually, making it worse.
"Hey, do you think we could get the audience to pay more?"
"Do I?! I'm so confident in it, I think we can even get them to wear space glasses that they don't need! We put the movie out of focus, and the only way to put it back is with glasses that are 5 dollars more!"
"...See, that right there is why you are the head of marketing, and 3 divorces deep with kids that hate you."
"I know, I know. I'm a genius. I beat those kids ya know."

They might as well say "Hey, this movie is going to cost you 12 dollars to see it. However, if you pay 16, we will not throw white cheddar popcorn powder directly into your eyes. Pay 10 and we will just play the audio for you in the washroom. Movie Theaters, we're here for you."

Is this really what people wanted? Were there focus groups that were screaming for this 3D?
"Listen, I loved Schindlers List. Don't get me wrong. But, is there anyway you could get me CLOSER to the death camps? Like, REALLY close? I mean, what did I pay 12 dollars for? Get me in there!"
Why do people want things closer to them? If you want to be that close to a movie, audition and get into one.
"3D is pretty sweet, it brought me closer to the action! But, so did being on the set. I'd have to say, if I had to choose between dumb glasses or making a bunch of money acting, ahhhhh, tough call. I think I'll go acting. Love the glasses though."

3D glasses in the theatre is one thing. It's a disgrace, but having them at home? How much do you hate your family, that you want to shut them out with ridiculous glasses?
"You know, when I had a conventional t.v., it was always "My day was like this" and "Dad, can you please pay attention to me." It was really harshing my buzz. Now, with 3D t.v., I put on these big, family blocking out glasses, and I don't even know if they're in the house anymore! Plus, Peter Mansbridge just seems better when I can touch him. Thanks 3D!"
People sitting their houses wearing goggles as if they are going on a deep sea diving expedition, but really they are just watching pucks fly at them from the hockey game. "I almost saved that one!" Yeah, you did! Most goalies sit on the couch to train.

3D phones could be the most absurd. You have a 3D phone? Really? Good for you sir. Please take it off the bus! Would you please? You jumped ahead of yourself. You should have a car before you have a 3D phone. People don't need you on the bus with the future while they try to juggle a transfer and deal with the b.o. in this tin can of depression.

"Look guys, I have a 3D phone! Isn't this cool?"

"Look man, I'm on the way to my second job for a double, and I still can't afford one of those. Shut it down, or my fist will be 3D in your eye."

"Really?! Wow. You have the new 3D gloves huh?"

3D used to be used to find the way out of a maze on the back of a cereal box. You used to put on glassed that you found in the box, and go "Hmm, now how do I get this leprechaun through this magical field of choice and walls?" That's the way that it should be at the theatre too. You want 3D? Your glasses should have to be found in your popcorn.
"Man, why didn't you tell me this movie was in 3D? I didn't even buy popcorn!"
"Shhh, I'm trying to pay attention. Right now, there is some butter talking to Brad Pitt. Man, that butter is a powerful actor. God these glasses are slippery."

All of these movies as well don't need 3D. A movie called "Shark night 3D?" Absolutely! That's what it should be for! Campy, ridiculous movies. Piranha 3D, Alligator Mouth 3D, Bees Vs. Slow kids 3D. Not everything though should be 3D. Movies called "The Mechanics Wife" do not need to be in 3D.
"No, dude, when the mechanic tells her that he'd rather change a tire than change his ways, you can really see her heart break as her eyes are two inches from your face. And when the wife learns to change an alternator to win back her husbands love? Man. The montage showing her doing house work covered in oil, and fixing car wearing an apron really shines in 3D. A crouton from a salad come right at your face!"

Why did companies see things from movies in the 80's and go out of their way to make them? Hey, COMPANIES, when we saw movies like "Total Recall" and others that showed 3D, and we said "that would be cool", we didn't know you'd actually do it. We also watched movies and thought "Man, it would be sweet if there were Aliens! Why can't a T-rex chase me? I wish the monster from Cloverfield would crush my neighbors house!" Why haven't you made any of those things happen? That would be some real 3D.
"Hey, do you want to go see that new monster movie in 3D?"
"Ah, I don't think I can. That giant crab that Verizon made ate my entire family. Really horrible. Thanks though. Maybe next week. And hey, if you go out tonight, watch out for werewolves."

Am I traveling or on a timeout?

Flying has got to be one of the top five greatest things that humans are able do. To actually sit in a piece of metal and go 30,000 feet in the air and be able to get to another part of your own country, let alone a completely different one, in a matter of hours? Incredible. So, why is it not a celebration on a plane? Why is everything so cold and robotic?

When you walk on, the flight attendant and Captain should be there to say, "Can you believe that we're actually going to fly?!” 

“I know! In the air!”

“We'll be in Vegas in four hours! Two weeks on the stupid train!" 

Then they high five you and pop a bottle of champagne.

"My god I love the Wright Brothers. Wooooooo!"

Alas, that is not what happens. A flight attendant is standing at the door to greet you, but only to check your boarding pass the exact way a flight attendant did at the top of the ramp! Does the flight attendant at the top of the ramp mess up so much that they had to get a stewardess on the plane to double check? 

"Can I see your boarding pass, sir?...This is a box of Raisin Bran. My God, Cheryl is slipping up there today. Cheryl! This is cereal! Jesus, whose cousin is she?"

Why do the airlines have to talk as if we are in the Oval Office listening to scientists? Even then there might be a "Yo, bro, you wanna give me a second to explain what's in this beaker?"

The language on a plane couldn't be any colder if it was written by Tipper Gore, and edited by a corpse.

"Ladies and gentlemen, we would like to extend our hands in gratitude to you for flying with us. We would ask that you please place your leather body holder in the full and upright locked position, and keep your vision sensors forward as we prepare to ascend into the atmosphere."

Nobody in the real world talks like this! If their are people that do, they should not be allowed on planes, they should be investigated for the murders taking place in their towns. WE ARE FLYING! This should be a celebration!

"Yo guys, it's about to happen! You know when you get on a roller coaster and it goes to the top of the track? Well this plane is gonna do that, but keep going up! INTO THE SKY! And we have alcohol! Can you get a beer on a coaster? Don't think so!"

I just don't understand why it all HAS to be so uncomfortable. I understand you want to make money planes, but the people who paid to be here should be able to unclench their fists without hitting the seat in front of the. You lean back, you crush the top of someone’s laptop who was watching 'Good Burger' to try to shut their mind off and not deal with this tuna can simulator. 

Why do the seats need to be straight up for take off? Is there any actual reason for this, other than, "Sir, you were looking kind of comfortable and as if you were about to fall asleep, we just can't have that here. Put your seat straight up, and prick yourself with this needle so you have a disgruntled look on your face". 

"Aghgh, god that hurt."

"There you are, sir. Thank you."

The craziest thing to me is that if you have headphones that are anything but earbud headphones, you have to take them off for take-off and landing. What? Why! Well, I asked one day. Do you know why? DO YOU? It's so that if the plane flips upside down during take off, and you fall out of your seat, you won't hang yourself... THAT'S THE REASON I WAS TOLD! Told me as well as if it was law. As if nothing else could possible make more sense than this.

"Oh, it's because if the plane flips over, you don't hang yourself. That's a fact. Nothing is more factual than that. We've done tests, and even needing air to breathe is not as much a fact as hanging yourself with headphones. Seriously. Studies have shown that we might not even need air. Apparently we could be getting our oxygen from the sun. I know, I couldn't believe it either! I do however believe that you will choke yourself if we flip upside down. Headphones off, please."

First of all, it could possibly be the stupidest thing that has ever been said to me, and someone said to me once "You should come to this club man. The girls there, they have hungry eyes". 

Second, "if we flip upside down", how often does this happen? That should be looked at and not my headphones.

"We have been flipping a lot of these planes upside down on take offs and landing. We should really look into it."

"What? That's part of the plane’s charm! Might flip this way, that way. It's a ride! We're not looking into that. Just tell people people to brace themselves."

Third, if I want to wear my headphones and the consequence could be hanging myself, let me make that decision myself, all right? I think that's fair. I paid to be here. If the plane flips over, while everyone else is screaming, I want to be choking while Ice Cube blares in my ears.

Being on a plane now is like being in Homeroom. 

"Um, stop doing this, stop doing that. Oh, here comes an announcement."

"Kids, I am an ominous voice that sounds as if I'm in a cave. We are experiencing some turbulence, so please keep your safety buckle fastened. Also, remember, Mr. Bleaker’s math class is cancelled today, and oatmeal chocolate chip muffins are just a dollar today in the café. Thanks for flying with High Jet School Airlines."

I'm assuming they are going to keep the terrible safety demonstration on the plane, but can we just get rid of the seat belt part of the safety demonstration? We all know how to buckle a seat belt by now. If you don't, doesn't even matter. A seat belt may help in a car crash, but a plane crash? No way. Never a story that goes, "A plane crashed today, and there were hundreds of survivors, except for one idiot who didn't have on his seat belt. Didn't he know that seat belts stop all bad things from happening? If you were wearing a seat belt while a tiger attacked you, the tiger would politely apologize and lie down in front of you making himself into a foot stool."

Nope, just, "Yeah, a plane crashed today. Survivors? You serious? It's 30,000 feet in the air! Some people die from falling from 10. Seat belts?! Jesus. I'm assuming once the plane made impact those seat belts turned into somewhat of a fire whip that lashed at everyone. Much like Ghost Riders chain. "

One airline was making things fun. Making jokes, having a good time. WestJet told jokes constantly. Then what happened? A flight attendant made a joke about a place they landed, something like "Nobody wants to be here", and people from the town complained! COMPLAINED! The mayor complained about it! This town really must be something if the mayor has time to answer cheap shots from a flight attendant.

"Sir, sorry to bother you from doing your mayoral duties, but someone called our town a Doodie head factory."

"What?! My God. I had a lot of mayoral things to do,  but this is now on the top of the list! Roads and schools will have to play second banana today. Doodie head factory. Jesus Christ, my kids live here! They'll have as little fun as I do when I'm done with them!"

So, because of that, now WestJet does not make jokes, and is as un-fun as every other airline. Good going people who can't laugh at themselves. Now on every flight we can all have our seriousness in a full and upright locked position.

Remakes of movies... this needs to end.

Remakes: most are not very good. There are some exceptions. "Cape Fear" with DeNiro is great, as is John Carpenter's "The Thing." "Charlie and the Chocolate Factory?" Absolutely not. Nope. Not at all. Have you seen the original? It's fantastic! Still! It's complete magic! Watch it right now if you are ready for a beautiful feeling in your chest. You're not ready for a beautiful feeling in your chest? Then Johnny Depp and Tim Burton can give you a hand.

I just don't understand why remakes are done. I would get it if aliens came down and took all of the copies of a movie.

"Guys! We have to remake 'Total Recall', because an army of aliens came down and took all copies of the original."

"No way! Okay, with Arnold?"

"Nope, Colin Farrell."

"God, I hope that production team is attacked by an army of aliens."

Also, when Arnold is in a movie, that movie is done and it's as good as it's gonna get! That movie does not need to get made again. You see Commando? Who else could say those lines? Nobody. NOBODY.

The only Arnold movie that could maybe (and that is a maybe) be up for remake would be "Junior." If they wanted to remake "Junior" starring UFC's Brock Lesnar, I wouldn't watch it, but I could understand.

This summer:

"Brock, you are pregnant."
"But I have a fight this weekend!"
"You have to cancel it, or your baby could suffer brain damage."

Will Brock make sure his baby can walk around town, or put his opponent in the ground and pound?

"I may be pregnant, but you can't mess with this!" Brock Lesnar in "Junior."

Some of these remakes come out of left field, too. "Arthur?" "Arthur!" Who was screaming for a remake of "Arthur?" I have seen the original a bunch of times -- I really liked it as a kid. "Arthur's Theme (Best That You Can Do)" by Christopher Cross is a song I love. Even as a fan of the original, I saw the trailer for the remake, and was so enraged I could have punched Christopher Cross in the face. "When you get caught between the moon and New York City, you dodge a punch, Chris."
They are remaking "Short Circuit!" Stop this! That movie is fine! Steve Guttenberg! GUTTENBERG! Don't take this away from The Gut. They already remade "Haunted Mansion" with Eddie Murphy, basically burying his version. If they remake "Three Men and a Baby" or the "Police Academy" movies, Steve Guttenberg might has well have never existed at all.

I understand a remake if the director and cast weren't happy with the original.

"Guys, remember that scene where you can see my hands while I hold that kid up who is supposed to be falling? My bad, let's try it again."

Or if the movie flopped.

"Listen, we know you guys hated 'Blues Brothers 2000', but we really think we had something there. You know, Blues, Brothers, the year 2000. Just give us another shot!"

Are there actually people who love a movie so much that instead of just watching it again, they want it MADE again?

"I love this movie! I hope they keep putting it out every ten years!"

"But you own it on Blu-Ray and DVD."
"Yeah, but I don't have it written by a guy who used to work at Starbucks and directed by the guy who managed that Starbucks. This time the villain will be played by a cookie. I'm excited!"

I could maybe see terrible movies getting remade, but "Footloose?" Jesus, people love that movie! Why not remake "Transformers 3", or the whole franchise? And this time remake the writers' positions as well.

"Well, judging by the writing of the others, this time you guys will sweep the set. Yes, you can use your pencils if you want, just don't write anything!"

Who wants to see a movie they love get made with a different cast?

"I love Terminator 2, but I wonder what it would have been like if Andy Rooney was T-1000? And if Mike Wallace starred as the Terminator. Yeah, that's what I want. Terminator 2: 60 minutes day."

Nobody really likes these movies, either. Why do people go?! The most you get from someone who sees them is, "It was all right." That's the best!

"Not as good as the original." Of course it wasn't!

"Well I hadn't seen the movie with Katie Couric before." There's a reason for that!

They should make no money. None! At all.

"And this week at the box office, the remake of Jurassic Park made zero dollars, as audiences say, 'We saw this movie 18 years ago.'" Steven Spielberg was flabbergasted. "I'm actually shocked. I didn't think they would remember. I know it was everywhere. Toys, clothes, books, pencils, video games, cups, everywhere, but that was almost 20 years ago! Man, these audiences are good."

I could see movies from the '20s, '30s, '40, and '50s getting remade for a new generation, but the '90s? The '90s! What the hell are we doing?! That just happened.

"Alright guys, that's a rap! Nice, let's reset to film he remake. I know this one hasn't been in theatre yet, but we're saving time. This time, you direct it, and I'll star in it. Don't argue with me, as long as I'm in this chair I'm still the director!"


Why just stop at remaking movies? Why not crucial events in history? Why not remake the moon landing and this time send Bieber up there?
"That's one small step for never, one giant leap for never saying never."


Then people could argue about which one was better.


"Don't get me wrong, I LOVE the Buzz Aldrin moon landing. I don't know though, it didn't have enough dancing for my liking."

When people dig up the remains of this civilization, they'll see we really just ran out of ideas at some point.

"Wow, they must have been bored. They made 'My Big Fat Greek Wedding' five times. Personally, I like the one with Willie Nelson the best. He played a great Greek guy."

People say that a remake will make people want to find out about the original. Will it? When the Playstation 4 comes out, will people go, "Man, I love this system. I wonder where systems started? I'm gonna go buy an Atari!" Absolutely not. They'll say, "Yeah, the Playstation 4! Every system that came before this is garbage. Get that PS3 shit outta my face!"

When Blockbuster ran out of ideas, they shut down. If Barack Obama runs out of ideas of what to do with the free world, he loses it. If 5-10 remakes a year is what you're gonna do, it might be time to shut down Hollywood, and change the sign to "Been-done-before." Or, just remake the Hollywood sign, with purple letters instead of white, totally out of Tupperware. Keep your track record the same.

Romantic Comedies. My god.

I am not a fan of romantic comedies.  Of course, there are some I have seen and enjoyed. “Annie Hall” is obviously fantastic. One time I watched “How To Lose A Guy In 10 Days” and I enjoyed it. It might have been because I watched it with a girl I had a crush on. Word of advice: if a girl invites you over to watch “How To Lose A Guy In 10 Days”, she wants to lose you when the movie is over.

First, the ways that the main characters meet are just too quaint.

"You'll never believe what happened! I was doing my job as a dog walker in the park, and a man ran into me while HE was walking dogs! Turns out, one of the dogs I was walking was his mom’s, and one of the dogs he was walking belongs to my boss who happens to be my ex-husband who played basketball with the guy who hit me in college! Isn't the world a crazy small place? So he's going to come over to dinner at my house to make up for killing the dogs I was walking, and to challenge my boss/ex-husband to a game of one-on-one for my heart!"

Then the first date is something you would have to save up to do with your wife of 10 years, but the main character here is a real man. He picks her up in his Maserati because the Lambo is in the shop, and takes her to a Lakers game, court side. Kobe Bryant falls on their lap and they get caught on the Titantron. The crowd starts to cheer.

"Yayyyy! Beautiful people on the screen with sexual tension! Wooooo!"

They hear the chants, look at each other as if they will kiss, but then Kobe comes over to apologize and ruins the moment. 

This all happens on the first date. First date! What could date two possibly consist of?

"I didn't want to tell you on the first date because I didn't want you to think less of me, but my father actually owns NASA. Have you ever had a candlelit dinner on a space shuttle? Your past boyfriends couldn't offer you that, huh? Wow, what losers. So I'll pick you up at 8? Just joking. My driver will do that."

He invites her over. She spends all day buying a brand new dress because she's a “down-to-earth” girl who wears jeans.  The driver comes to get her, and she's so “down-to-earth” that she says she can get her own door. Since she's “down-to-earth”, she gets caught in the door because she doesn't understand that a dress has more material in it than jeans. Instead of opening the door, she pulls on it and tears the dress in half! She spends the rest of the ride saying to the driver "Oh yeah, everything is okay,” while she's changing in the back. There's a cute scene where the driver catches her shirtless in the rear view and a hilarious line about her character. He thinks he's picked up a hooker.

"Oh dear, who am I driving for? Charlie Sheen?"

Luckily she's resourceful, and uses a piece of gum and a hairpin to fashion the dress into a newer, skimpier one. Where before she looked nice, now she looks “sexy.”

They should be able to have a nice dinner after her harrowing ordeal, but no! The spaghetti blows up! The wine bottle explodes! His dog attacks her! The pipes in the wall burst with all the sexual tension in the room and everyone gets drenched! He tells her to take a shower to wash the tomato sauce out of her soul. He walks in by “accident” to find the phone book, and boom. Magic!

Just when it seems they will be together forever, there's always a crucial point where there is a misunderstanding that seems to have destroyed the amazing two-date foundation they have made. Maybe they go to the theatre, and the main beautiful man says "Here's a handful of money. I would give you my Visa, but I lost it last week scuba diving off the coast of Greece. Why not go grab popcorn and I'll get the tickets?" The main woman walks up to the concessions counter, and the man working behind the counter just happens to be a kid from a day camp where the main woman volunteers. She is an amazing “down-to-earth” person, so they share a laugh about the time she saved the entire camp from being bulldozed to make way for a Nuclear Power Plant/Puppy Killing factory. The main guy sees this and assumes they were flirting.

"This is what you do, huh? I give you at least 200 dollars to buy popcorn, and you try to ride a 17-year-old in public?! Why don't you just blow him?!"

"How could you say that? And you know I wanted to buy Milk Duds."

"Argghrhghgh! This isn't gonna work!"

The main woman has a scene where she talks to her friend at work, who is always a bigger girl with more attitude than all of the comedians on Def Jam. 

"Don't you let him talk to you like that, girl! You be telling him that if he don't appreciate you for you, he won't get to walk into your bakery and order a dozen sex cookies. That's what I'm saying! All right, I was only here to talk like this for a minute and hopefully get a laugh. Gotta go g-friend money girl lady!"

The man sits in his car on the edge of a bluff. He looks down at his hands, and thinks about his entire life. He realizes that after three dates, he has found his wife, and that nothing else in his life matters. He gets out of the car, leaves the door open, and starts to run in the rain. He runs to her job and finds her attitude friend.

"Is Celeste here?"

"Who be axin ‘bout ol’ C-Diddy?"

"... Her future husband."

"We'll see what she got to say ‘bout dat!"

Celeste comes out, and they have a moment. He tells her everything is useless without her, and how sorry he is that he accused her of trying to sleep with a popcorn salesman. He has a three-minute speech about how she is everything he has been searching for. Celeste’s entire office listens. Everyone cries. They kiss. And just then, her ex-husband comes back for her!

"Celeste! I need you back! Who’s this?"

"Her new husband, Charlie! Remember me? College ball?"

"I remember. You could never handle me in one-on-one."

"Let's see about that."

The main character dunks over Celeste’s ex-husband, Charlie. Charlie starts to cry. Kobe comes in and says, "Now that's a dunk!"

Celeste and the main man embrace, and the office cheers. The End. Now we can all go find this fantasy. I hope the bigger girl with attitude I have to deal with doesn't have a gun.

The names for these atrocities are ridiculous also:

"Love Be Nuts"

"Don't Take My Heart On The Train"

"Who’s The Groom?"

"Maid Of Love"

"Who Told Tou?"

"Don't Be That"

"Jesus Christ, I Have Butterflies"

"Did You Order Nachos?"

"Did you order Nachos 2: Hold The Engagement"

"Babbling Brooke” (That one’s about a girl names Brooke who can't stop talking but also lives beside a babbling brook! Just enchanting.)

"Up, Down, Sideways"

"Love Like A Tree"

"Your Mom Said"

"10 Minutes In Tulsa"

"Who Broke My Eggs?"

"Excuse Me, Where Can I Find Love? Aisle 3."

"Cave diving: Sometimes Love Is In Centre Earth"

Or they get right to some point:

"He Just Thinks You’re Fat"

"Maybe If You Could Give A Blowjob"

"She Finds You Creepy And Awkward"

"Look... Leave Me Alone"

"You Still Here?"

"You Were A One-Night Stand. Take Your Toothbrush Out Of My Bathroom"

If the world worked like most of these movies perpetuate, it would be a gross place where beautiful men would drive gorgeous cars and only date fit, well-educated girls whose make-up and hair are always perfect even if they just went through the spin cycle on a dryer, and love to have a good time and laugh... I don't know what I'm fighting for anymore.

Ads that tell me to "Personalize" things. "Find your frappucino". What's your iphone look like?

All right, this really bothers me: ads telling you that everything is "yours" or that you can make it "your own.” It really hurts my chest. You know, things like Cheez Whiz. “What will YOU do with it?" ...Put....it...on...toast? With all this trash, now you can't even talk to someone with the same computer as you.

"Hey, we have the same computer!"
"No we don't. This is the Steve Johnson. I personalized it. God. Yours is blue. Mine has diamonds on it. Get a grip."
"It's the same computer, though."
"No, mine is a Steve Johnson!"

Personal ads for really mundane things. Starbucks has an ad called "Find your Frappucino." Jesus Christ. You find my Frappucino, you work here! That's ridiculous, "Find your Frappucino."

"Can I have a Mocha Frappucino without whipped cream?"
"Um, actually, that's my Frappucino. Found it yesterday. Find your own".

Why does everything have to be YOURS? Where does this stop by companies?

"Come to the movies, and sit in YOUR own theatre. Why be around 300 other dirtbags? Get that extra legroom you've been after. And rewind the movie wherever you want. Why miss something because you HAD to check your iPhone? Empire: YOUR theatre, YOUR rules.”

"Tired of your cell phone provider having other clients to deal with? We hear you. Call us, and we will open a cell phone company specifically for you! Your own CEO, your own call center with operators standing by to take your calls only, where you can name your company whatever you want, and we will make a phone just for you! You’ve always hated the number 9 button? Of course you have! You're you! Be you, with your own cell phone company.”

I also get personally offended when ads talk to us. When they try to tell you how you are to get you to buy their product.

"We know you. You don't think we do? Yeah, we do. You like to walk, right? Watch movies? Sometimes you even like to get freaky? Scary, huh? Told you we know you. That's why we know that with your busy schedule, you need a chocolate bar that can keep up. The Walking-Movie-Watching-Getting-Freaky bar with almonds. The world doesn't understand you, but it does.”

"We know you like to bike, run, hike, be your own person. We've watched you sleep and saw that every night you roll over at exactly 1:30 a.m.  Find the gum that fits your lifestyle. Your Door Wasn’t Locked, the new gum from Hubba Bubba.

"You think for yourself. You don't believe everything you hear. You find out things on your own. You make your own decisions, you don't follow the pack. Why breathe the same air as other people? Breathe your own air with Hardheaded Air Tanks. You walk alone, now breathe alone. When mother nature calls, you tell her, ‘I got this.’”

Every ad is like this now. All of them, talking to us individually.  How did this become such a thing? Why does everyone need their very own everything? I like different colours and add-ons, but Jesus.

"Man, ANYONE with money can buy these watches? You're serious? That's ridiculous! Let me change the face or something. What, you're gonna let OTHER people choose that face?! Fine. Here. What do you mean? It's my own customized money. You think I'm using the same money these losers use? No way man. That's a 15 dollar and 37 cent bill right there. Made outta leaves –– everyone uses paper."

As well, could ads use real words? Don't spell cool "Kuol". The world is not a grade 10 kid's math desk. People fail courses for spelling things like this.
"Chris, you failed this test because you spelled building "bill-ding."
"But that's my ad for a phone in the shape of a duck’s beak. The Bill-Ding phone.”
"Really? I like ducks! How much are they?"

You can personalize all you want –– you will still have what other people have. Macs, phones, cars, all of it. If this ad sounds appealing –– "Sure, you want an iPhone, but you don't want the one everyone else has. Understandable. They're losers. Choose from millions of skins so you aren't a peasant who has the same phone cover as these other simps. You're better than they are. You're you. Right? Of course you are!" –– it might be time to move to an i-sland.